


This Mess Is Mine

by LyricalRiot



Category: Star Wars - All Media Types, Star Wars Sequel Trilogy
Genre: ALL THE FLUFF, Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, And StormPilot, Appearances by GingerRose, Babies, Baby Names, Best Friends, Birth, Birth Control, Caring, Consensual Sex, Devoted Rey/Ben Solo | Kylo Ren, Discussion of Abortion, Domestic Fluff, Engagement, F/M, Fluff and Humor, Fluff and Smut, Friends With Benefits, Friends to Lovers, Friendship/Love, Idiots in Love, Marriage Proposal, Medically Assisted Birth, New Parents, No Angst, Not Beta Read, Okay just a little angst, Oral Sex, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, POV Alternating, POV Ben Solo, POV Rey (Star Wars), Penis In Vagina Sex, Pregnancy, Pregnant Sex, References to Drugs, Rey is emotionally constipated, Romantic Fluff, Smut, Soft Ben Solo, Soft Plot, Sweet, Typos, Unplanned Pregnancy, Vaginal Fingering, Vaginal Sex, delivery, graphic depictions of birth, light lactation kink, super fluffy, tiny bit
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-03-16
Updated: 2020-11-05
Packaged: 2021-03-01 01:14:55
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 28
Words: 203,470
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23166835
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LyricalRiot/pseuds/LyricalRiot
Summary: Friends-With-Benefits Rey and Ben want to avoid complicating their casual relationship at all costs. During a brief quarantine, they mess around to combat boredom. It's not supposed to mean anything. Problems ensue when their birth control plans go awry and Rey discovers she's pregnant.Based on a #ReyloPrompt.
Relationships: Rey & Ben Solo, Rey & Ben Solo | Kylo Ren, Rey/Ben Solo, Rey/Ben Solo | Kylo Ren
Comments: 1452
Kudos: 2241
Collections: Reylo Prompt Fills (@reylo_prompts)





	1. Feeling Bad and Feeling So Good

**Author's Note:**

> Hi friends! This will be a short little ficlet*, only a few chapters, I think. The ReyloPromps account is going to be the actual death of me because they keep posting things I want to write. This one is based on the prompt: _"Ben and Rey had a one-night stand as a friends with benefits to relieved some stress and for some unlucky reason, both their birth control plans failed, resulting in pregnancy."_
> 
> I decided to combine it with an idea I had floating around about the quarantine. Please mind the tags and content warnings! This will mostly be fluffy stuff, because I don't have the emotional energy for angst right now. Planning on having it all posted throughout the next few days.
> 
> -Don't look too closely at a particular plot device, lol, it's not Corona so I was able to make up my own cure. Lol. It's convenient, I know, but that's not the point of the story.
> 
> (*Edit 08/11/2020: At 30 chapters and well over 180k words, this is, in fact, not a ficlet at all)

* * *

**CHAPTER ONE:**

**Feeling Bad & Feeling So Good**

It started with the quarantine.

That's when everything went sideways.

But before that, it started when Ben went through one of the drive-thru testing sites, concerned because several of his coworkers had been confirmed to have the virus. That pesky disease which had cropped up about a year ago and briefly sent the world into chaos before armies of doctors and researchers developed an effective anti-viral. It wasn’t deadly anymore, except in the rarest of cases. Quite treatable, but a nuisance nonetheless. After the test, Ben was instructed to self-isolate until the results were texted to him the next day. It had a tendency to spread quickly and create hotspots of contagion if people weren’t careful.

That's when Rey got his message. They were supposed to meet up with their friends that evening for dinner. Restaurants were open, and with treatment now easily available, none of the friends were particularly concerned about the illness anymore. Complications were now very rare. Armed with the medical miracles of the day, they were eager to be together as much as possible and more eager still to support local businesses. Everyone was going to be there. But the moment she got his text that he wasn't going to make it, and she called him.

"You have to come!" she pleaded. "Rose is introducing me to some guy and it's going to be so awkward."

"I definitely want to see that," he affirmed, "but I can't."

"Mister Socially Responsible here," she grumbled with only a little bit of resentment. "You might not even have it. You said Luke made everyone stay home the minute they started showing symptoms.”

“Now, now, Rey. Don’t be a bad influence. I can't risk exposing all of you.”

She sighed in a disappointment. "Fine, Boy Scout. Want me to bring you some take-out after we're done? Or have you gotten more groceries since last time I was at your place?"

Ben was an excellent cook, but his schedule was too busy most of the time to allow for much dedication to the craft. Rey always thought this was an excuse, a little bit, and suspected that mostly he didn't like to cook for himself alone. He had the time to come out to their social gatherings, which could have been spent in his kitchen if he were really passionate about it. As a result, though, he ate a sad, utilitarian diet. His cupboards were pretty much empty, containing only the most meager offerings, even though he could afford to stuff them full. Rey teased him about it sometimes.

Today she didn't, because today it genuinely worried her.

"I'll be fine," he'd said evasively. "You shouldn't come by anyway. It's called isolation for a reason."

"But if you get that text tomorrow that you do have it, you're going to be locked into your own apartment for two weeks with no supplies. You were so busy scoffing at the panic-buyers that you didn't even get anything ready yourself!"

Panic-buying was a cyclical occurrence now. Every time a new hotspot cropped up, people went crazy buying the most absurd supplies.

"You were scoffing at them too," he pointed out.

“Well, I can afford to. I am prepared."

His warm chuckle came trickling through her speaker. "You are so far past prepared, Rey."

She spent the next several minutes trying to persuade him to let her bring some food and supplies over, but he wouldn't let her. She didn't like it. The virus was known for high fevers for several days, even with the anti-viral medication. She didn't like the idea of him going through that misery by himself without adequate nutrition or medication.

"Fine, I won't bring anything," she said. "I have a better idea."

He sighed, no doubt bracing himself for something outrageous.

"Come over to my place.”

He barked an incredulous laugh. "How is that a better idea? That's worse, Rey. That's much worse."

"It is not! Ben, I'm serious. I have enough for both of us, so you won't starve, and I'll be able to keep an eye on you in case you have any complications and need to go to the hospital."

"Except the part where you'll get sick too."

"That's only if you're even positive. And besides, it's a small price to pay for making sure you don't die."

He chuckled again. “That’s dramatic. I'm not going to die."

“Maybe not from the virus, but I'm not chancing it on you starving to death. No more arguments. Ben, you're coming over."

He resisted for a while longer, but Rey knew she'd win in the end. Ben could be a big pushover sometimes, if she tried hard enough. And she did win. Barely an hour later he was setting his duffle bag of things down next to her pullout couch, a man too big for her small apartment, but very welcome nonetheless. He looked sheepish and grateful.

Rey was on the phone with Rose when he came in.

"What am I supposed to tell Armie's friend? He was really excited to meet you," Rose said with unveiled disapproval. "He's from England. Hasn't been here very long. I think we was excited to talk to someone from home."

“Tell him I’m helping a friend in need, or whatever. I'm sure he'll understand. If he's still interested in a couple weeks, I'd be happy to meet him."

"Fine. But I still think you're being needlessly risky, having him stay with you. You aren't sick. And since you already work from home, you’re safer than most of us. You're inviting it in when you don't have to."

"I still could have been already exposed anywhere, we don't know," Rey said, glancing at Ben who sat down on the couch, picked up her remote and began browsing through her subscription channels. He was as comfortable in her apartment as she was in his.

"Yeah well, if Ben is already there, you have been. You guys are ridiculous."

"You and Hux have each other to help when one of you gets sick. Ben doesn’t. He's alone. So am I. We might as well be alone together to fend off boredom."

“We have each other because we are in a bonafide relationship, Rey. You two should try it some time.”

“You’re a broken record.”

Rose laughed. “Don’t deny it. You just want to bone him as much as you want over the next fourteen days and pretend it doesn't mean anything. Whatever. Just call me when it's all over and let me know when you two are getting married."

Well that was the cue Rey needed to end the conversation immediately. She told Rose to enjoy the evening and she'd call her sometime to check in.

Because for as much as Rose and Finn and the others teased them about it, Rey and Ben were not _a thing_. They never had been. Back in college, Ben had been a grad student and roommates with Poe, Jessika's boyfriend. He started hanging around the group by association. Everybody else thought he was kind of an asshole because he was quiet and serious and didn't laugh often, but Rey had hit it off with him almost immediately. They got along ridiculously well. It never became anything more than friendship, and it never would, because that was complicated, and messy, and it involved putting everything at risk. Neither one was willing to do that.

So they didn't.

Ben dated other women. Rey dated other men. They talked about their various romantic pursuits to one another. And they kept each other exactly in that sweet _best friend_ spot that worked so well. It was easy.

Just like it was easy having him in her apartment. So easy, she didn't even think twice about it.

"It's a good thing you're an actual food hoarder," Ben said that night over dinner.

"I am not a food hoarder!" Rey protested, pushing over to him a heaping plate of pasta primavera.

He pointed his fork at the overstuffed pantry and then the hallway closet which was equally stocked with non-perishables. He raised a brow at her expectantly.

"I'm just unusually well prepared, I told you," she laughed.

"I think that's why they call your kind of people _preppers_."

She did have a weird thing about food, it was true. It went way further back than this recent pandemic, and her hoard was _not_ a result of running out and buying up supplies like a madwoman. As soon as she landed a good job and could afford more than the bare essentials for the first time in her life, Rey had started slowly stockpiling. She needed to keep an overly generous supply of food around her at all times. Mostly it was about comforting herself. She felt safe, surrounded by her hoard. Her endless days of hunger and scarcity growing up made her into a food-anxious adult. She never wanted to be that hungry again, no matter what.

"Make fun of it all you want," she said smugly, "but it's a good thing I'm as well supplied as I am, or I wouldn't have enough for both of us."

Because Ben was a huge guy and a huge eater. He was build like a mountain. That was fine. She could get him and herself through it — in fact, she had so much, she'd still have a crazy amount left over once this illness burned itself out.

"I am grateful," he said, the temptation of a smile ghosting at the corner of his lips. "And I'd feel bad eating your stockpile, but you're the one who bullied me into this, so it's your own fault, really."

"I'll accept that," she said. "But I'm gonna want you to cook for me a couple times while you're here. Because rare is the occasion that I get to taste the fine culinary delights of Chef Solo."

He chuckled soft and low. "You're really twisting my arm. Fine, I'll cook for you."

And he meant it, she knew. But it took a while for that to actually happen.

The next day, the fever started before his test results even hit his phone. By late morning he was shivering and miserable on the pullout couch, a lump shrouded in piles of blankets — even though Rey worried being so wrapped up would make his temperature soar. He didn't care. He felt chilled to the bone. She gave him a fever reducer, confirmed the drone delivery of his anti-virals for the next day, and made soup. For the next three days she sat beside him on the pullout, monitoring his temperature, making him eat soup and hot teas whenever he woke from his fitful naps. She put his head in her lap and combed through his sweaty hair with her fingers while they watched comedies on Netflix. And when he croaked requests for her to just talk, because he liked listening to her stories, she recounted anecdotes about her strange sad childhood. Ben was the only one she'd ever told about these things. He didn't judge or react, just let her talk. Even in his feverish haze, she knew he was listening intently. So she cradled his head and brushed her cool fingers along his burning face and soothed him back to sleep as often as he needed.

Just when he started to feel better, she got sick.

And their roles smoothly reversed. Rey decided that Ben was way better at the whole care thing than she was. From the minute she began to spike a temperature, he was watchful and attentive. He drew her a warm bath to help her fever come down when it soared too high. When she shivered under the pile of blankets, he put her socks in the dryer for a couple minutes before sliding them onto her icy feet, the warmth so deliciously soothing it almost made her cry. He made even better soup than she did, and persuaded her to drink iced protein shakes to help her recover faster. He called her doctor, explained the situation, and got her anti-virals delivered as well. And he let her sleep with him on the pullout — insisted on it, actually, so that he could keep an eye on her.

His chest was hard and broad. It made a nice pillow when she was blearily focused on whatever romcom he'd put on. When she cried — because being sick made her a weepy mess — he held her.

Being that sick _was_ miserable, but Rey had never had anyone to take care of her through an illness before, and it was incredibly comforting. She wasn't all that sorry that she'd let him into her home and exposed her to the virus.

Eventually they were both finally fever-free and left to wait out the rest of their quarantine, and then it actually got to be _fun_. When they weren't watching a show or movie, they were playing games, or organizing her food storage (Ben was an organizational enthusiast, it turned out) or finding the funniest illness-related memes to show each other. Sometimes they'd do a bit of remote work, when they wanted to be responsible. Or sometimes they'd have ridiculous baking competitions which Ben always clearly won, with his beautiful, perfect creations, but which he always insisted Rey won with her bizarre slapdash messes that tasted pretty great.

They'd gotten used to taking care of each other, and it was weird when Rey finally went back to her own bed. So at night she'd linger with Ben as long as she could, and she'd crawl back into bed with him when she woke up in the morning. It was just nice to have his company. She sought it without shame, because he seemed to enjoy it just as much.

They didn't talk much about the people they were seeing — or not seeing, rather. Ben was a few weeks out of a breakup with Bazine. Rey hadn't had a boyfriend for a couple months. They were both in need of a good tumble, but it took them a while to admit that. Even after they did, however, they didn't jump straight into bed. It took them another day or so.

It finally happened one random afternoon. They'd spent the morning perfecting the variations of french toast and were now lounging in unabashed comfort, the cozy smell of maple syrup heavy in the apartment. Outside, a light rain pattered against the windows. She was leaning up against the back of the couch, her legs crisscrossed under her. Ben's head was in her lap again — turns out he really liked that — and her fingers busied themselves raking through his glorious hair, braiding and unbraiding, playing with it the way they both liked. They had some kind of true crime dirty money documentary playing on the TV.

Eventually, Ben rolled over lazily onto his stomach and nuzzled his nose right between her legs.

"You smell really nice," he murmured. "It's distracting. Can I do something about it?"

She jumped a little in surprise, her fingers knotting into his hair and pulling his head up. "Wow, that's pretty bold. No” cheesy pick-up lines or anything?

"Oh. We're going to pretend you weren’t thinking about it too? I can tell exactly what you've got going on here." He moved a hand into her lap and swiped a finger over her leggings, right against the seam of her labia. It was definitely a little damp down there.

She blushed. “Don’t get the wrong idea. This documentary isn’t exactly sexy like that."

"Money laundering doesn't get you hot? It totally gets me hot." His mouth twitched into a teasing grin.

She laughed and let her fingers loosen again, sliding them around to his brush along his ears. "I didn't invite you over here to hook up."

"Yeah, I know. I wasn't my plan in accepting your invitation either, promise. And we definitely don't have to." He tried to pull his hand back.

She caught his wrist, guiding his touch to her again. "But then again, what else are we going to do?"

"Hmm...good point. We've kind of exhausted everything else there is to do here. I'm starting to get a little bored. Are you bored?"

He resumed stroking his finger against her core again. She shivered. God, his touches always felt so good.

"Yeah,” she said softly. “Definitely bored.”

His movements were idle and teasing, but that didn't mean they didn't have the desired effect of stirring a radiant heat from her sex to pool somewhere low in her belly. He crooked a finger, rooting deeper into the fabric of her leggings with his knuckle.

"I mean," he said in a low, husky voice, nosing her shirt up a few inches from her hip before planting a little kiss there on her skin. "We can always watch more documentaries?"

"No..." she breathed, letting her head tip back against the couch. "Your plan is much better."

Ben's huge hand — his other, not the one he was busy riling her up with — gripped her shin and pulled one of her legs out, nudging it to one side of his broad body, and then the same to his other so that he could more easily nestle between them. Once again he rubbed his nose right into that sweet spot, bumping up against her clit. The fabric protected her from direct contact, but lightning zipped up from the touch anyway and made her jerk in pleasure. His fingers snuck up to the waistband of her leggings and curled into it, tugging slowly. He followed them down her body with his lips.

The problem with Ben was that he was _ridiculously_ good at sex.

She didn't want to know how he got so good at it, because the answer probably involved a lot of practice with a lot of women — and that bothered her more than she wanted to admit.

But his prowess and skill had become a big problem for her since the very first time they hooked up.

They'd both been really drunk after celebrating graduation — him with his graduate degree, her with her undergrad. Everybody was out celebrating that night. Rose spent the evening gushing to Rey about how great her new boyfriend was, and Rey had just broken up with her own so this was a particularly sensitive subject. She'd been crying by the end of the night, and Ben had been so kind and reassuring, telling her how great she was. And...well, she wasn't exactly sure how it happened that they ended up in bed together, but they did. And she wasn't drunk enough to forget about the experience the next day. It _stayed_ with her. Like something so intense it couldn't have been real. Apparently it had stayed with him too, because after that it became a semi-regular occurrence.

They didn't ever talk about it after.

Talking about it would make it _complicated_. And neither of them did _complicated_.

Usually it was a stress-relief thing. Or one of them was sad or lonely. It always happened when they were both between relationships. They didn't seem to need specific reasons.

Like now. There was no particular reason that they should be in this predicament — Rey, sprawled on her pullout couch, completely naked now except for a bra, and Ben languidly lapping through her wet center in his characteristically unhurried way. Like she was something delicious to be slowly enjoyed. The documentary was muted, but still on, not that either of them cared anymore.

Rey focused on her breathing and the sparks shooting through her body, one hand still firmly rooted in Ben's hair, the other arm slung over her eyes to cocoon herself into this moment.

Eventually Ben left his task, trailing kisses up her stomach, unhooking the back of her bra with one deft twist of his hand and sliding it off. He set to work on one of her nipples with an exploratory tongue while his fingers took up the job between her legs.

”So wet,” he murmured approvingly into the flesh of her breast, dipping one of his thick fingers just barely inside her, the others stroking along her drenched vestibule.

He sucked her into his hot mouth, tongue pulsing against her nipple in a way that made oxytocin flood through her brain like a bath of adoration. Her affection for him surged — as did her core, coating Ben’s hand in her own particular lubrication. Her back arched but he held her down, forcing her to be still and focus on the feeling of everything he was doing to her.

The reason Ben's skill in this department was a problem was that she caught herself comparing other men to him all the time.

Well, not _all_ the time. Rey wasn't really a jump-in-the-sack-on-the-first-date kind of girl, so there hadn't been a long line of partners to compare him to. She required some assurance of a real connection with someone before letting herself be this vulnerable. So there hadn't been many since she started occasionally sleeping with Ben, but the ones who had been there always fell short. None of them were as good at this as he was.

Maybe it had something to do with the utter lack of pressure with Ben. There was no wondering what came after. No expectations. She could just enjoy and feel and _be_ in the moment with him, no strings attached. If it was bad (it never was) then there would be no repercussions. So there was no anxiety to perform exceedingly well. Or maybe because it had always been so easy to be around him. Whatever the reason, with each other they were always relaxed and acutely attuned to each other's needs.

Her other partners had tried, poor things. Most of them weren't bad, in their own way. They tried to eat her out, some of them fumbling, some of them aggressive, some of them pushing themselves through it like it was some chore before the final prize. They tried to make her come undone for them. Sometimes she managed it. Mostly she faked it. And the ones who expected her to go down on them and then acted grossed out if she asked for the same thing? They found themselves abruptly abandoned, left to finish themselves. Some wanted to jump straight to the main event, without much foreplay, and that always ended up being a disappointing performance. 

It really didn't help her experience with these men that Ben was in her head the whole time, so much better at this than they were. 

The thing was that he always took his time. It didn't feel like he was racing towards some destination, or trying to coax a certain number of orgasms out of her before he could chase his own. It didn't feel like he had any goal in mind, really, except talking her along for a sensual discovery. He was a wanderer, exploring and meandering, slow but never frustratingly so. He seemed more interested in worshipping everything he discovered than performing the required rituals of sex.

Not that they hadn't enjoyed the occasional hot and messy quickie. He could do those very well too. But this...this was earth-shattering. And nobody, _nobody_ could do it like he did.

Ben was an artist.

Rey fell apart again and again under his tongue and touch, but without the frenzied, frantic climb and climax. This was a wave, rolling through her, building and releasing over and over again in delicious spasms.

And then there was the other part of it. The other problem with comparing. This was something that was wholly unfair, because it was nobody's fault but the roll of random genetic dice.

"Oh god, Ben," she cried though gritted teeth when he finally slid home. Even as wet as she was, she struggled to accommodate him, as she always did. It was a good struggle, though. One she thought about long after he'd gone home. One she craved.

Rey wasn't a size queen. Truly, she wasn't. Only one guy she'd ever tried to hook up with had been bigger than Ben, and she'd dashed out of there with a thousand apologies falling from her lips before he could even get near her with it. She broke up with him immediately. Felt guilty about it too, but there was _no way_ that was going to work. The others were decent enough, with their perfectly average, perfectly adequate cocks. But there was just _something_ about the way Ben stretched her in a difficult but delightful way, just at the edge of her limits.

He growled into her ear. "Fuck, Rey, how do you always feel this perfect?"

So maybe it was the same for him too.

They just fit together. It worked. She didn't want to think about it too much, and so she didn't.

"You've ruined me, you bastard,” she admitted in a ragged, desperate babble after another wave of ecstasy flooded through her. "For others. Nobody is as good as you."

She said these things in the heat of the moment sometimes. Because she meant them. Because she knew he loved to hear them. It always made him purr and hum and produce all manner of pleased rumbling noises as she clung to him and he plumbed her depths.

"That's because _you're mine_ ," he whispered, low and aggressive.

Ben was a possessive fool when they were caught in the throes of passion like this. Rey was definitely into it. With him. Not with anyone else, though. In bed with boyfriends past, she usually ended up being the one to take charge because she got impatient with how they weren't doing things the way she needed. And when she was in charge, nobody talked to her like that.

She didn't belong to anyone.

But Ben had license to do or say whatever he wanted. Because she trusted him. Down to her core, she trusted him.

There _were_ lines they didn't cross of course. They didn't kiss. At least not on the mouth. And they did not say the L-word, ever. The rules were unspoken, and they both knew them instinctively.

So he could say that she belonged to him, and she could admit that he was superior to any other partner, and none of it really _meant_ anything. Because this was just sex.

And they never talked about any of the things they said during sex.

Talking about it meant making it _complicated_. And they did Not. Do. Complicated.

Until suddenly, _complicated_ found them.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> (Also, for all my fellow smutty trash pandas out there, there will be more, donchu worry.)
> 
> Drop a review while you're here! :D And/or find me on twitter (at) little_womp_rat
> 
> * * *


	2. Consequences

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Rey goes on a date, picks out some seeds, and gets some unexpected news.
> 
> (Mild squick warning, Rey does go on a date with someone other than Ben, but it's only this once, and I promise it's short.)

* * *

"Are you okay?" Thomas asked, his bright blue eyes wide in that bizarrely boyish face of his.

Rey glanced up from the food the waiter had just finished sliding onto the table.

Her date was definitely handsome, but it kind of freaked her out a bit that he still looked like he was maybe eighteen years old when he was actually thirty. She wasn't sure if she'd get used to it or not.

"Yeah," she lied, giving him a bright smile. "Why?"

"Well, it's just that you looked like your chicken was raw or something. Your expression was pure disgust."

She blinked, returned her attention to her food, vaguely surprised. "Oh. No, it's fine. Sorry, I must have been thinking about something else."

"Not me, I hope," he joked. His grin was charming for sure. 

"No, no, of course not you." Her stomach curled uneasily as the scent of the chicken hit her. She ignored it and began to cut herself a bite. "Actually, I'm really having a great time."

"Me too." He glanced around the crowded restaurant conspiratorially. "Don't tell anyone, but I like hanging out with just you even better than being with all your friends."

She laughed. "They can be a handful."

"I'm sorry it's taken us this long to go out. Armitage told me about you getting quarantined. How was that? I think I'd go mad for two weeks by myself in my apartment."

"Oh, it wasn't too bad," she said lightly. "Half of it was taking care of Ben when he was sick, half of it was me being sick in return, and then there were only a few days left."

"Oh, I didn't realize you weren't alone," Thomas said, surprised. "Ben? Is he that big silent one?"

Big was right. The first time Rey met Thomas — when Rose had finally introduced them a few weeks after the quarantine ended — had been in the setting of everyone getting together at Poe's for one of his famous murder mystery parties. Seeing Thomas and Ben in the same setting was laughable. Thomas looked like a child next to him, in stature as well as face. If Thomas been any less charming that night, Rey would never have agreed to this date after seeing him so physically emasculated. But he was charming, and something about him suggested she might like to know him better. So she did agree. And now, a little over two months since the quarantine, here they were. 

"Yeah, that's him. I thought Rose and Hux told you that's why we couldn't meet that night they wanted to introduce us. Ben didn't have anything to survive in his apartment, so I made him come to mine."

Thomas looked briefly ruffled, a quick frown, a shift in his seat, and then it passed and his expression lightened. "You're really generous to share like that."

Rey grinned. "I like helping my friends when I can."

His blue eyes warmed as he smiled. Yeah, he did have a good smile, she decided.

So far it really was going well. He was funny and playful, with a sweet affable quality that Rey liked very much. Rose was right to introduce them. They got along well, despite his strangely youthful face. And if she decided to keep him around, the circle of her friends would be almost half British, between Hux and his sister Gwen, and Rey and Thomas. Normally she didn't like to think about home — all her worst memories were back there on that rainy island — but there was something oddly fun about being around so many of her own.

Poe kept making noises about the _British Invasion_ that night at his murder mystery party. 

As for tonight? The evening went well — very well, actually. Rey definitely wanted to go out with him again sometime, if he asked. And she thought that he might. He seemed to be enjoying himself too. They both laughed easily. She learned that he worked with Hux at the same legal firm, but that he didn't love law. He loved history, and would have loved to be a teacher except his parents were worried he'd never make any money at it. They'd come to the States when he was a teen for his father's investment pursuits. She kept him talking about himself and his family so that he didn't have time to ask her much about her own story. She gave him only the most basic information — that she was a freelance copywriter and advertising consultant for small businesses, that she'd graduated a couple years ago, that she hadn't been home since before school, and that no, she didn't have any family out here. There was nothing else about her past that he needed to know. Nobody needed to know.

As agreeable as her company was, however, her body still felt distinctly _off_. By the time they were ending, she was uncomfortable. Her chicken still wasn't sitting properly in her stomach and her head was a little fuzzy from the smells and noise of the restaurant. Her mouth tasted metallic and bitter.

Thomas noticed her discomfort.

"Are you okay?" he asked again as they were getting their coats. "You're really pale. You look like you might be sick."

Would she? She didn't exactly feel like she was going to throw up. Her unhappy stomach wasn't trying to riot in _that_ way. But it didn't seem to know what to do with the meal she'd just eaten either. Mostly she just wanted to lie down on the floor of the restaurant and fall asleep.

"I don't feel great," she admitted, a little embarrassed. "I'm sorry. I think I ate something I shouldn't have earlier."

"It's alright. Let me take you home — and send Rose to check in on you later," he added hastily, lest she misunderstand him.

She smiled a thin, weary, but nonetheless genuine smile. "Thank you, Thomas."

Getting out into the fresh air helped a bit. By the time she got back home and finally crawled into bed, she didn't feel queasy anymore — just extraordinarily tired. It didn't take her long to fall asleep.

In the two months since she'd been quarantined, life had begrudgingly returned to normal. At least, it _seemed_ normal. Everyone went about their lives similar to how they did before the virus temporarily upended things, with a few small adjustments, and Rey and Ben had both resumed their status quo without a second thought to what had transpired between them. They saw each other socially. They hadn't really hooked up again since, but that wasn't strange. They only did that occasionally, when life got too hard to deal with and they needed to expend some energy. Apparently neither of them needed that at the moment. Life hummed along its natural rhythm again.

Which was all great, except that Rey didn't feel like she was quite part of it. Something didn't feel right.

It wasn't anything specific she could put her finger on, exactly. And she was fine in every way that mattered. She'd recovered well. No lingering cough. No minor trouble breathing that sometimes happened after this particular infection. But there remained somewhere in her subconsciousness this unease that told her that nothing was normal. Something hidden deep in her body was different. 

When she thought about it for too long, it started to scare her. She didn't know her biological family's history with chronic diseases or cancers. She didn't know what demons lurked in her genetics, waiting to manifest.

Food was a little bit of an issue. She could eat just fine, but afterwards the flavors lingered and warped. Tastes soured in her mouth. She began brushing her teeth after every snack as well as every meal, and sometimes even when she hadn't eaten at all. That was definitely new behavior for her. The bigger thing though was how _tired_ she was. All the time. She started to take naps during the day, which she'd never needed to do before. Fortunately her freelance work allowed her to snatch these siestas when her body started to shut down, but their frequency disturbed her. Normally she had great reservoirs of energy. Maybe the virus had taken more out of her than she thought.

"You really should see a doctor," Rose told her one day when they were out buying seeds for her balcony herb garden. "It's not normal to be this tired. Maybe you have a thyroid thing. I heard that can cause energy problems."

"Does that just pop up out of nowhere?" Rey wondered, sagging against a post while Rose browsed. "I've never had thyroid issues before. Maybe it's something triggered by the virus. I heard adrenal fatigue is a thing — right?"

"I think I've heard of that, yeah. Either way, those would be things for a _doctor_ to figure out."

"You're right," she sighed. "I'll make an appointment."

"Why'd you tell Thomas you quarantined with Ben, by the way?" Rose asked, shooting her a begrudging look. "He came and asked us if you guys were a thing."

"I thought he knew. It wasn't a big deal." Rey picked up a packet of strawberry seeds. "Why don't you grow these?"

"I tried once. They needed more than I could give."

Rey laughed at that.

Rose smiled too, plucking the packet from Rey's hands and putting it back on the shelf. "You're deflecting, though. Your friendship with Ben is always so weird to people you try to date — you _do_ see that, don't you?"

"I don't know why. It's fine. If I wanted to be with Ben, I'd be with Ben. But I don't. So he's not a threat to Thomas, or anyone else."

Rose rolled her eyes. "Right. Because it's that simple."

"It is to me," Rey said, shrugging.

Sometimes Rose could be a real pest. Rey loved her deeply, but if anyone was going to stir up questions and make things complicated, it would be her. It didn't help that she was so well settled with Hux. The two were nauseatingly cute together. Rey was happy for her friend in all the best ways, but when Rose got in these moods where she wanted to talk about Ben, Rey sometimes wished that she weren't so happily settled. Then she wouldn't be turning her sights to matchmaking everyone else.

"Are you coming with me tomorrow night to help pick out a tie?" Rose asked her before they parted.

"Yeah, yeah, I'll come. You said dinner would be involved?"

"Obviously."

"Then I'm in."

Rose laughed, gave her a quick hug of parting. "Make an appointment with your doc, okay? I want you overflowing with energy again so you can dance the night away with me at Paige's wedding!"

"I will," Rey promised.

And she did. That afternoon she called the women's health clinic she liked to go to and asked for an appointment. She expected to be deferred a couple weeks, since that's usually how far out they scheduled, but they happily told her they'd had a cancellation and could see her the next morning. She took it. Quick answers were much better than waiting around being so tired.

* * *

"Date of last menstrual period?"

The medical assistant looked at her with a neutral, almost bored expression, as she had been throughout most of the intake questions.

Rey blew a long breath of air, squinting as she tried to think. "Uhhh, good question. Let me check my tracker app."

"I just need the first date of your last one."

Rey flicked through her phone, scrolling back a couple months. It had been a few weeks before the virus, but that was no great cause of alarm. She'd been irregular all her life. Extreme malnutrition in puberty, the doctors had said.

She found it, and reported the date.

The MA noted it. "Are you on birth control?"

"Yes," Rey said. "The pill."

She was too afraid of IUD's. Too many horror stories. And the arm implant had plunged her into a dark hormone-induced depression a couple years ago. Ben had demanded she get it removed after she told him that she couldn't feel any sliver of happiness anymore.

The MA gave her an odd look. Rey was at first confused and then — oh. Right. The whole reason she was _on_ the pill was to make her periods regular. Well, and to protect herself against her various romantic escapades, obviously.

"It's really not abnormal for me to miss periods," she assured the other girl. "Even on the pill. My body is kind of defective that way."

The MA didn't say anything, just nodded and typed something on the chart. "Are you sexually active?"

"Um…not for a couple months…" Rey said awkwardly, and then realizing the equivocation meant nothing to the MA, fixed her response. "Yes. I guess the answer is yes."

There was another quick round of typing, and then she came and took Rey's temperature and blood pressure. She noted both in the chart. "Any other questions you have for the doctor today, besides fatigue and appetite changes?"

"Not right now," said Rey.

The MA promised her that the doctor would be in momentarily, and then she left Rey to wait, perched on the edge of the exam table, swinging her feet idly. She wasn't nervous — not really. It was probably nothing. Maybe a lurking genetic time bomb, but more likely just some lingering effect of this strange new virus. 

She fidgeted, picking at her cuticles, biting a jagged nail. Another bored minute later and she was reading a drug pamphlet about something supposed to help post menopausal women.

Her phone buzzed and she turned it over.

> **Ben:** Is the day over yet? I need it to be over already.

She grinned.

> _—Rough morning?_
> 
> **BEN:** The worst. Thai tonight?
> 
> _—I wish. Rose wants to go shopping. She's trying to find a tie for Hux to wear to her sister's wedding._ _Could go for a night cap, though_.
> 
> **BEN:** Sold.
> 
> **BEN:** How did your date go last night?
> 
> — _It went well. He's nice._

There was a soft knock at the door, so Rey hastily slid her phone into her pocket and sat up straighter.

Doctor Holdo came breezing in, as serene and pleasant and ever. This time she'd dyed her hair a soft lavender. Rey liked Holdo because she wasn't as stuffy as other doctors. And she was a veritable expert in women's health. Rey never felt stupid asking even the most naive questions.

"Good morning, Rey. How're you doing?" she asked with a wide, warm smile.

"Good!" Rey chirped. "I mean, obviously not _great_ , or I wouldn't be here, right?"

Holdo laughed lightly. "That's true, I suppose. So tell me what's going on. You're having some changes in energy levels?"

She sat on her stool and rolled over to the side of the exam table, folding her hands in her lap.

Rey shifted a little and nodded. "Yeah, I'd say pretty big changes. I'm _crazy_ tired, all the time. I've been taking naps, which I never used to do before, but now I can't function without them."

Holdo nodded, her brow furrowing just a hair. "Okay. How are you sleeping at night?"

"Just fine! Really well, actually. I sleep deeply, but it's so hard to wake up in the morning. I'm already tired before I've even begun my day. It feels like no matter how much sleep I get, it's never enough. My body always needs more."

"Hmm. Okay. Do you know if you snore?"

"I've never been told that I snore, no."

"Do you have a family history of sleep apnea?"

"I have no idea." Rey firmly ignored the familiar echo of forlorn wistfulness pinging somewhere in the back of her mind. She was skilled at avoiding these particular feelings.

"Okay. That's fine. We could always send you home with a home oxygen test to see if you're having breathing problems while you sleep. Any changes in diet and exercise?"

So Rey told her about her issues with a persistent metallic flavor in her mouth, and her growing indifference to food.

"Which is maybe the most alarming thing, because I _love_ food."

Holdo laughed. "I remember we've talked about that before."

"Right." Rey smiled. She liked Holdo for this reason too. Her bedside manner was amazing. She remembered everything about her patients. "And beyond that, it's hard to articulate. I just feel _off_. I don't really have better words than that to describe it."

"Well," Holdo said, drawing in a deep breath. Her brows lifted. "The fatigue thing could be definitely be attributed to sleep apnea, like I said, or an illness. The appetite changes too. But I'll be honest, my gut thinks that this sounds hormonal. Your vitals looked good. Mind if I check your ears and throat? Listen to your lungs?"

"Not at all."

After a quick peek and listen, and feeling the lymph nodes in Rey's throat, Holdo sat back down and took a look at her chart on the computer. "I don't see any signs of illness. Looks like you already had the virus, didn't you?"

"I did, yeah. Couple months ago."

"We sent you the medication."

"Yes."

"And you feel like you recovered from that alright?"

Rey shifted on the table, drawing an uncertain breath. "I thought so? I was feeling fine for a while after…it's just in the last couple weeks that all this has all started out of the blue."

Holdo's attention caught on something on the computer screen. "Oh. Huh. Tell me about your period. Looks like you've missed a couple."

"Well, I had some spotting a couple weeks after the quarantine, right about the time I was supposed to have my period, but it didn't really ever properly start, so I didn't know if I should count that. But I did bleed a little. It was just last month that I missed, but that's normal for me."

"And you're on the pill."

"I am," Rey assured her.

Holdo entertained an amused look. "Periods don't just vanish on the pill, hun. Even with your history, that's highly unusual. Any chance you could be pregnant?"

"No," Rey said quickly.

"Are you sexually active?"

Again, that question. She squirmed a little on the table. "Not for a couple months."

Holdo's amusement grew and she gave her this funny little smile. "It's an indelicate question, I know, but are you having penetrative vaginal intercourse?"

"Um..." Rey blushed now. "That's my preference, yeah, but like I said, it's been a while."

"So, the thing is, any time there's penile penetration, you run the risk. What's a while? When was the last time?"

"Penile penetration," Rey winced. "That phrasing..."

Holdo laughed. "I know, I'm sorry. There are plenty of kinds of sex, but only this one matters for our purposes today, which is why I want to be clear. Do you remember the last encounter?"

"Yeah." Of course she did. She always remembered when it was with him. She cleared her throat. "It was during the quarantine."

Holdo's brows — purple too, though darker than her hair, lifted almost all the way to her hairline. "Okay. Well. Hun, I think we should probably have you take a test. Are you okay to give a urine sample?"

"W-why?" Rey stammered, suddenly flooded with nervousness she did not have before. This wasn't the turn she'd expected this appointment to take. "I didn't miss any doses. Honestly, I'm not pre—pregnant. I literally _can't_ be. It was so long ago, and I was protected."

Holdo's smile became more gentle, and, Rey thought, maybe a little pitying too. "The anti-viral meds you're given to combat the illness can compromise the integrity of oral contraceptives. You weren't protected for the week or so that you were taking them."

"What?" Rey gasped, horrified. "I've never heard of that! Why don't they tell you that?"

"It's in the drug information sheet that comes with the prescription," Holdo said apologetically. "But I agree, it really should be made common knowledge. I have a feeling we might see a lot of quarantine babies in a few months."

Rey's mind flashed quickly through the memories of Ben. _Ben everywhere. Ben every day, a couple times a day_ for the last few of their isolation. She felt suddenly a little sick.

"But we…we were double covered…"

No. No they weren't, she realized. She never was with Ben.

With any other partner she ever had, yes, she insisted on it. Because the pill didn't cover all bases, and she wasn't interested in catching anything from anyone. Even if they believed they were clean, she made them wrap it. Besides, there was something about them leaving her with the essence of themselves still there that made her skin crawl. It was too intimate. And it had been like that with Ben too long ago. But somewhere along the way, she'd relaxed her rule, and so had he. The first time he spent himself inside her, he'd been embarrassed after. He said he was a huge stickler for safe sex, and apologized for getting so caught up. He'd never gotten that lost in the moment before. Strangely, she'd been okay with it, and told him so. She reassured him that she was protected, that it was fine, it was the same for her too. After that, it just kind of became their thing. With everyone else, they were extra cautious. With each other…

With each other, everything was different.

"If he was wearing a condom then it's highly unlikely," Holdo said encouragingly. "But according to your last menstrual date, you would have been ovulating about that time. And your symptoms do fit, so it'd be good to at least rule out the possibility. It's a quick test. We'll have the results back in a couple minutes. And if it's negative, then we'll maybe run some bloodwork and see what's going on, huh?"

"Okay," Rey said, soft and uncertain. Her heart pumped too hard in her chest, fleeing the sudden fear churning in her gut. She tried not to think about the possibilities of this apparently cursed timetable Holdo had outlined as she followed the woman out of the exam room. Holdo showed her where the bathroom was and then drifted off to look in on another patient.

Rey almost couldn't go. She was too nervous. Her body wouldn't release. But she managed to leave a sample cup in the little two-way cupboard with her name scribbled on the side, and then washed her hands and fled back to the exam room.

The next couple minutes were agony, trying to talk herself down with any shred of hope she had left. She'd been _fine_ until now. Didn't women start getting sick and throwing up their breakfasts? Didn't they cry a lot? And didn't they complain about their boobs hurting? She didn't have those things. She was just _tired_. And she had a bad taste in her mouth. And like Holdo said, those things could be an illness. It was probably nothing. A really bad synchronization of events, possibly, but nothing more than a scare.

She wanted to text someone. Who? Not Ben. Rose, maybe? But what was there even to say yet? No need to drag someone else into this frightening what-if when there was probably nothing to worry about at all.

She sat there in barely suppressed panic for what felt like eternity. The clock on the wall had to be lying. It moved so slowly. Barely ten minutes past before Holdo returned, but she felt like she had aged a lifetime. Her nerves had frayed to bits in those endless minutes.

When Holdo came in, Rey couldn't read her expression. Couldn't detect anything amiss at all. The doctor's smile was serene as ever. She sat on her stool and wheeled in close again, just as before.

"Alright. How're you doing, sweetie?"

"Uhm," Rey said, hating the way her voice shook. "Little nervous."

"Perfectly normal." Holdo's smile was gentle. "I won't leave you guessing anymore. I have your results."

Rey steeled herself.

"You are pregnant, Rey."

The whole world lurched several degrees right out from under her feet, and Rey felt like she was falling. The sentence cascaded around her, little burning meteors of impossibility. Her mind spun, her heart stopped, her breath — how did she make air move through her lungs, again?

"Sweetie," Holdo said, taking her hand. "It's okay. In and out, keep breathing. You're going to be okay."

Before she even knew what was happening or how to process it, Rey's eyes were filling with tears. "I'm not…" she said in a broken whisper. "I can't be…"

"That's alright." Holdo squeezed her hand tighter. "I know this is big news. You have plenty of options. I'll help you any way that I can. You're going to be alright, Rey."

Options.

Yes, there were options.

Rey exhaled slowly, trying to reel herself back in. She felt shaky and desperate. "I need to think. I need…I…"

"Do you have a support system?" Holdo asked so gently. "Family?"

"No family."

"Friends? Is the father in the picture?"

The _father_. Rey didn't know if she wanted to scream or sob, thinking about Ben now. Her casual friends-with-benefits. The fucking _father_.

"Yes," she whispered instead. "I have people."

Holdo nodded, reassured. "Talk to them. Don't be alone with this news. Tell someone you can trust. Whatever you decide, you shouldn't go through it alone."

A few minutes later, Rey was walking out of the office ready to throw up. At least now she knew where the uneasy stomach had come from, though right now she thought it was probably due more to stress than anything else.

She sat in her car and stared at the steering wheel, numb.

Pregnant.

A thing was inside her. A little nub of a thing. A thing that _Ben_ had put there.

With trembling hands, she pulled out her phone and sent him a follow-up text.

> _—Hey, I'm canceling on Rose. Still up for Thai?_

His reply was instantaneous.

> **BEN** : Always.
> 
> **BEN** : Wait, why are you canceling?
> 
> — _I_ _'ve had a weird morning too. I don't feel like picking out ties tonight. Can we meet as soon as you're done with work?_
> 
> **BEN** : Sure. I always leave hungry. Are you ok?
> 
> _—Not sure, honestly._
> 
> **BEN:** What's wrong? Do you need me to come get you? Where are you?
> 
> _—No, I don't. It's fine. I'm out running some errands. I gotta get home to finish a deadline though. I'll tell you all about it tonight._
> 
> **BEN:** Ugh, that's not cryptic at all.
> 
> **BEN:** Now I'm going to be worrying about you all day. Just tell me.
> 
> _—I'm fine! It's too much to text. I'll tell you later._

It wasn't too much to text. It was two lines, maximum. But she wasn't going to drop this kind of bombshell on him through a goddamn text.

> **BEN** : You know calling does still exist, right?
> 
> _—Don't you dare. I'll send you to voicemail, stg._
> 
> **BEN** : Fine. Poor sport. I'll see you at 5:30, then. The place by your apartment. I like their massaman best.
> 
> _—I know you do. 5:30._

She glanced at the clock. It wasn't even noon yet. How was she going to get through the rest of the day without losing her mind?


	3. Creature Fear

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Ben learns he's got excellent swimmers.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> **Content Warnings For This Chapter**
> 
> Mentions of child abuse
> 
> Discussions of abortion

At home, Rey tried to work.

It didn't go very well.

Everything felt different now. She walked around with the feeling that she didn't even belong in her own body — that it was so altered as to be unrecognizable. She was too aware of her own pulse, and her mind fixated with singular focus on that one dark place deep within her where something that was not her nestled. Small though it was, the awareness of it loomed huge in her mind, taking up all the room.

At home, her mind spun unwillingly into the memories that created this mess. The memory of Ben, here, among her things, leaving the finest trace of his cologne mixed into her world, between her legs, leaving something a lot more significant behind than cologne mixed into _her_.

She wasn't at home in her own skin, and she wasn't at home in her own home.

Rey felt lost. She didn't know where she belonged now.

But none of that would pay her bills, so she sat at her computer and stared at the creative briefs whose deadlines were upon her. She read them again and again, and read the ideas she'd jotted down, but the words slipped right through her mind like water. Focus eluded her, and it was maddening.

She tried to force out some copy, writing up one social media post for a feminist clothing line company. When she read it back to herself, though, she knew it was terrible and immediately deleted it.

No use.

Her gaze strayed to the couch, once more tucked back into itself to actually _be_ a couch instead of a pullout. There she'd let her best friend play her body like a fine instrument. No attachments, they'd told themselves. It didn't mean anything. A bit of harmless fun, a way to make each other feel transcendently satisfied for a few hours, nothing more. Like it always was in the past.

It would never be like that again, she knew, and her stomach clenched anxiously.

Because one of the half dozen times he had worked into her, he'd planted a bit of himself in a place where she was waiting for it. A place where she would nurture it and make it grow.

Dammit. This was too much to handle right now.

She needed a nap.

So Rey abandoned her task temporarily and went to bed. She pressed her face into her pillow and let the stuffing swallow her extended groan of despair.

It didn't take long for her to fall asleep. And mercifully, she dreamt nothing. Her body welcomed the rest like an old friend, and not even her stress could make her restless. She woke a full two hours later, feeling rested and numb.

She made herself a cinnamon-and-anise herbal tea and tried to focus on work again.

This time she did better.

She was able to write out a whole calendar of posts for the clothing company, and then focused on some print ad copy for a trendy new Colombian restaurant opening downtown. When she was finished, she made herself go for a short jog to quicken the blood and sharpen her mind, then showered and got ready to meet Ben.

Rey felt queasy again. The soothing flavor of the tea had gone bad in her mouth, and even a quick brush with her mintiest toothpaste didn't quite rid of it.

She had to tell him. She _had_ to. There was an argument to be made against telling him, of course. She could make this decision on her own — could take care of it quickly and quietly and he'd never have to know. Then the only one who'd be aware of the shift in their dynamic would be her. And maybe that would be bearable. But it felt like a massive violation of trust, and she couldn't do that to him. He needed to know.

Would he be angry? The whole reason they got into the habit of fooling around bareback was because she at least had this one important protection. But now it had turned out that not only had she not been protected, she'd been at peak fertility.

Her stomach churned uneasily the whole walk over.

Three options, Holdo had said. Keep. Adopt. Terminate.

Each of them roiled in her guts, and tasted bitter on her tongue.

Rey was an abandoned child. It was one of her biggest secrets. Nobody except Ben knew it. Not Rose, or Finn, or any of their other friends. When they'd asked about her childhood, she said it was an unhappy one, and left it at that. They were kind enough not to press. Knowing that her parents hadn't wanted her — had dumped her on the doorsteps of a church as a toddler and then disappeared — had formed an indelible part of her identity. The foster home she ended up in was run by a brute and his subservient wife. They had too many foster children and not enough interest in anything to do with them beyond the money they got for housing them all. Food was scarce and withheld as punishment, doled out in meager rations only as reward. It was a miserable existence in every sense of the word.

Rey always wondered why her parents didn't want her. It tormented her throughout her childhood and adolescence. As an adult, she became jaded and ambivalent.

But she could never do that to any child ever, least of all her own. Even if she could be assured that the baby would go to the right family, someone who would love it as their own, she couldn't live knowing that one day it would ask why it wasn't wanted.

For Rey, the second option wasn't an option at all.

When she opened the door to the Thai restaurant and walked in, she crashed right into Ben's enormous body just inside the doorway.

He caught her before she could stumble back, chuckling in surprise. "Whoa, sorry. Great timing, I guess. I just walked in."

Rey reeled, laughing a little. She'd been so absorbed in her own thought she hadn't even noticed the _giant_ man going in the door before her.

"Hi," she said breathlessly.

He grinned. "Hey."

A quick hug of greeting and then he turned to the hostess to ask for a table for two.

Rey fidgeted. Her mouth felt dry, her heart beat too hard. Looking at Ben now was different too. Like being in her own apartment. Like being in her own body.

"Right this way," said the hostess, snapping her out of these nervous thoughts.

The two of them followed her over to a quiet corner near the window. It was still early for the dinner rush, so the restaurant was quiet and almost empty. This was old people hour. But Ben didn't seem to mind. He ordered their usual appetizer and entrees with efficiency — two massaman curries, his mild, hers spicy.

Was it okay to eat really spicy food?

It must be. Women around the globe ate spicy food all the time and had healthy pregnancies. But here Rey had to check herself. Why did she care? She hadn't even decided what she wanted to do yet. It might not matter at all.

Still, this fleeting reminder of her inexperience heightened her already frazzled nerves. There was a lot she didn't know. Including how to even begin this difficult conversation.

Ben propped his elbows on the table, obscuring the lower half of his face with his contemplatively clasped hands. He scrutinized her in that intense way she recognized — the look he wore when he was trying to figure her out. His dark eyes studied her face as if he were trying to unriddle her mood.

She looked away.

"So who talks first?" he asked after a minute.

"You do."

"You said you were going to tell me about your bad morning."

She wasn't ready. "I want to hear about yours first. What happened?"

He sighed. "You know, it's not really that big of a deal when I say it out loud. My uncle was riding my ass about a presentation we're getting ready for some big new clients — potential clients. He's just got a talent for getting on my nerves. It's bad enough I have to deal with him at my mom's dinners, but getting it at work too is slowly driving me insane."

Rey had met this particular uncle once. She'd met all of Ben's family once, actually, at the same wedding. Ben asked her to pretend to be his girlfriend for one night and come with him to the wedding of a family friend so his mother would stop pestering him about settling down. It was a fun evening, and getting to know Ben's family was quite the adventure. His father didn't seem to take anything seriously, his mother watched them with way too much interest — Rey was certain she'd call them out on their ruse before the night was over. She didn't. This particular uncle, Luke, was a little bit curmudgeonly and a little bit funny, and Rey kind of liked him in the end, even if he was surly and sour. His wife Mara was _wonderful_ , and Rey understood immediately why Ben got along with her way better than he did his mother's brother. She knew their relationship was difficult at best, tumultuous and explosive at worst.

Rey let him vent about Luke for as long as he needed, feeling undeniably comforted by the normalcy of this conversation.

When their food came, it tasted just as comforting. Familiar and homey. The smells of the spices coming from the kitchen had been making her dizzy, but once she started to eat and the flavors were burning on her tongue instead of in her nose, her head stopped spinning.

"What about you, though?" Ben asked when he'd finally exhausted every irritated thing he needed to get out of his chest. "It's your turn. Tell me about your day."

Rey was only halfway through her food by then. Instantly her stomach churned in response and she had to choke down the next bite. She put her fork down and guzzled some water in an attempt to cool her suddenly thrashing digestive system.

"Rey?" Ben asked, surprised by whatever it was he saw.

She could do this.

Dabbing at her mouth with her napkin, she drew a deep breath. "My day was…different. Really different."

He didn't say anything, just waited.

Her voice shook more than she wanted it to. "I um…I got some unexpected news."

His eyes widened. "Is it about your parents?"

She flinched. "What? No! Why would it be about my parents?"

"I've just never seen you this nervous," he said, his voice falling to something apologetic. His gaze dropped to the table, to her hands. They were shaking. He reached out and took one. "Looks like it was bad news, though. What is it?"

These small gestures came so naturally to him. He was always gentle with her like this. Other people thought he was kind of an asshole, but Rey couldn't see it. She saw someone who was aloof and removed from the usual crush of social pressure, but was innately kind and good. Right now, this tender little gesture drew a lump to her throat and a pricking pressure behind her eyes.

Well, there was that emotional crying she was wondering about earlier.

At least she didn't actually get teary, just felt the burning threat of them. Ben's hand on hers got tighter.

"Are you afraid to tell me?" he murmured so softly.

She nodded.

"Why?"

"I don't know what you'll say," she whispered.

"Neither do I." A fleeting, reassuring smile flitted over his lips. "But you know you can trust me with anything."

Yes…she thought that once. Before this morning. Had so much really changed since then? She trusted him with her whole tragic story. With her body, with her vulnerability. But this was asking for so much more trust than she'd ever been prepared to give.

_He has to know_ , she reminded herself, and drew a long, steadying breath.

"I haven't — been with anyone. Since the quarantine."

It didn't surprise to her see how his face instantly closed off. Trepidation fell over his features like a curtain. His dark eyes hardened just a little and regarded her warily, his mouth pulling down into the faintest frown. He was guarded. This admission of hers treaded dangerously close to the line they didn't cross. They did not reference their physical relationship with each other. They didn't talk about their physical relationships with others.

"I just needed you to know that. For the part that comes next."

Now he was the one who looked tense. She could see it in every one of his muscles, his body coiled like prey about to spring for safety. Did he think she was about to breech their boundaries and confess some kind of romantic love for him?

Whatever he was braced for, she knew the truth would blow it all out of the water.

"Ben, I — I'm pregnant." She choked on the words as they came out, stumbling over them like a coward.

She couldn't look up to see his reaction, couldn't bear to see the anger and betrayal, the cold rejection. So she just kept her gaze on their hands, on the way his fingers were still and unmoving, curled into hers. She looked small in his grip. She felt small under his stare.

Several seconds of silence stretched between them before she heard his ragged whisper. "What?"

Still unable to look up, she impatiently brushed away the rogue tear that slipped down her cheek. "I went to the doctor this morning. I told you how tired I've been lately. I thought it was something to do with the virus lingering in my system. She made me take a test. It was positive."

He'd teased her about becoming an old lady who needed to be in bed before 9pm. Neither of them ever thought it had anything to do with their activities during the last few days of isolation.

"And I'm…?"

Now she did have to look up, because he sounded so _shaken_. His voice so soft and small. When she did, his expression held none of the things she feared. No betrayal, no outrage. No rejection. Only bewilderment and shock.

"It's you, Ben. It's yours."

He swallowed hard. Slowly he took hold of her hand with his other one too, hanging on with both like she was some kind of lifeline and he was out at sea. "How? I thought you were..."

"I was." At least his tone wasn't accusatory, like she'd imagined that question would sound. He just seemed confused. As confused as she felt. "My doctor said the meds for the virus neutralized them. It was in the drug facts, I guess, but I didn't read them. I didn't know it was a risk. I'm sorry."

His jaw worked hard over something, and he shook his head. "Why are you sorry?"

"This is my fault."

"No?" He gave her an odd look. "Of course it isn't."

"If I'd just read the—"

"Rey," he said, his voice frustrated and firm. "Please, just give me a minute. I'm…this is so much to take in. Just let me catch my footing before you run off and start blaming yourself. I need to understand this. So the virus drugs made your contraceptives not work?"

"Apparently it's a known side-effect," she said. "And I was at peak fertility."

A soft, disbelieving breath escaped him. He let go of her and slid his plate out of the way, running a hand through his hair, down his face before leaning his elbows on the table again. His chest heaved in a deep breath. "Okay. So I really fucked up."

"You? What are you talking about? I should have read the sheet. Then I would have known and we could have used—"

"Who reads those things beyond the directions for how to take the meds? I definitely didn't. I could've just controlled myself and not slept with you," he said.

"I wanted you to!"

"Stop trying to take responsibility. You definitely didn't get this way on your own."

She shut her mouth and watched him put his face in his hands, emotions she couldn't see shuddering through him. When he came out again, he still didn't look angry. Or even upset. She wondered when that part would come.

"I guess we can both be to blame," she concluded softly.

"Or you can just me take it, because it's what I deserve. You've had enough to deal with. This is what you've been hanging onto all day?"

"It's been a long day," she admitted.

He drowned himself in another deep breath. "Okay. Okay. So we did something here. What happens now?"

"My doctor said we have options. This doesn't have to ruin us."

"Ruin," he repeated softly. She didn't know why. His gaze flicked up from the table to hers. "What do you want to do?"

"I don't know." She chewed her lower lip for a minute, searching for the right answer and finding herself adrift. "I needed to tell you about it first. To see what you want."

"I don't think I get a say in this," he said. "It's your body, Rey. Your decision. I'll do whatever you need."

"I get that, but I think you do get a say, because it's your—" she floundered for the word. His what? Zygote? Embryo? What was the right terminology at this point? Because she definitely couldn't say _baby_. "I think we should make this decision together."

"The choice will have far less impact on me than it will have on you," he protested. There was concern in his face, and Rey realized he was worried for her. "I don't want to influence you. It's your body—"

"You said that already," she snapped, cutting him off. "I don't _want_ to decide this alone, Ben. You said it yourself, I didn't get into this mess by myself, and I don't want to find my way out of it by myself either. But if you're trying to tell me that you want no part in this, I will. I'll do it alone, whatever I decide."

Now he was a whole different kind of shocked. "Rey, wait, that's not what I meant —"

"You asked me to trust you with this. I have. Now please help me, because I really don't want to do this alone." Her lip quivered and her voice shook but she still felt fierce and strong with the force of her frustration.

He quickly took her hand again, a thumb brushing soothingly across her knuckles. "Okay, you're right. I'm here. Of course I'll be part of this. I'm in. Whatever you need from me."

"I need you to tell me what you want," she said slowly, carefully. Her emotions were surging and she didn't want to make this a more hysterical moment than it had to be. "Because if I terminate, and that's not what you want, then you'll resent me for taking this away from you. Maybe you'll think me a murderer. But if I keep it…god, I don't even know. What then? Then everything is changed."

Now the tears came in earnest and she was the one to bury her face in her hands now. "But maybe that doesn't matter, because everything is changed already anyway. I want to go back to how it was."

A hopeless wish, because there could be no going back. Even if she terminated, and they tried again to just be friends, she knew in her heart that it wouldn't be the same. She didn't know how she could ever have sex with him again without thinking about this, right here. This moment. About what they made and didn't want. About how it was _him_ who had done it, which felt incredibly significant. She would never be able to get lost in his touch and his worship and not think about what might have been. Emotions were tied into it now. Strings, where there weren't supposed to be any.

They would have to be friends and only friends, no benefits. Because it was ruined now. Benefits got them into trouble, and she'd never be able to forget that.

And if she didn't terminate…that had even bigger implications.

Ben was silent for a few seconds. Rey couldn't guess what he was thinking. She just kept her head in her hands and let the quiet tears puddle against her skin. Eventually she heard his chair scrape the floor and a board creak to the side of their table. Then he was beside her, tugging her out of hiding and into his chest.

Rey almost resisted. But she couldn't really, not when she felt so frightened and broken and desperate. So she let him pull her in, and was surprised to find him trembling.

"It's okay," he sighed into her hair. "I don't know how, but it's going to be okay. We can deal with this."

To the very few other patrons scattered through the restaurant, they probably looked pitiful. With Ben's chair crowded right up against hers on one side of the table, her buried in his huge chest, the two of them drowning in their own feelings. But Rey didn't care. This, at least, felt safe. Maybe he was right. Maybe they would be okay.

"What do you want me to do?" she asked into his shirt.

"I don't know what I want, Rey," he said honestly, his voice resonating against her head. "I'm just barely hanging on here. What do you want?"

She didn't know either. She knew what she _should_ want. The easiest solution. The one that would be the closest to going backwards as they could.

"I don't think I'm ready…" she said softly. "To have a — a child."

She tried to picture herself in that role. Elbow-deep in diapers and nighttime feedings, letting a tiny mouth rule her schedule, trying to soothe infant squalls. Or shuttling a child to preschool and then primary school, doing the things she saw parents do on TV or in movies or at the park. Soothing wounds, attending noisy band concerts, banishing an impertinent teen to their room. Spending her whole life with this other little person at her side.

Someone who would depend on her.

Someone who was part of her. And part of Ben.

She shivered in his arms.

"Me neither," he admitted. "I don't know if I can."

An answer drifted into place, pulled there by these confessions of inadequacy. She sat up, away from him, wiping herself free of tears and drawing a deep breath. "Then I think I should take care of it…"

Of course she should. A baby should be wanted. Should come well after marriage, to a stable home with parents who were ready.

"Yeah," he said so softly she barely heard him. "Okay."

"Are you alright with that?"

His dark eyes searched hers again, looking for something. She couldn't guess what. His chin bobbed once. "Then it's all over and behind us, right?"

"Right."

He withdrew his arm from the back of her chair and stood. "Then it's the logical choice," he said stiffly before carrying his chair back to his side of the table.

Part of Rey experienced a tiny spark of relief to have some conclusion to this misadventure in mind. But another part of her shrank into a small, anxious ball, dense and uncomfortable in her chest. It probably came from worrying what would happen to them after. She didn't want to lose him.

But that was foolish. Of course she _would_ lose him someday. He couldn't be her best friend and fuckbuddy forever. One day he'd finally find the girl he wanted to keep forever, and then everything would change much more than a simple early abortion would do now.

_And someday you might find a person you want to spend your life with too,_ she reminded herself. And that would be way better than any of this. So why the sick feeling when she thought of it?

Hormones, probably. Her body was being hijacked by them.

Finding those people would be a lot harder if they had a kid between them. So she could do this now, end it now, and enjoy him for a little while — even if she could never sleep with him again. It was better than nothing, at least.

"Okay then," she said, mostly to herself. "We're decided."

He nodded again.

Ben waved down their server, who seemed to be pointedly avoiding them, and requested carryout boxes. He packaged up their half-eaten meals. Both of them had lost their appetites, apparently.

They got up to leave. Rey struggled to understand what she was feeling. Her insides were tangled into a knot, stress and unhappiness gnawing at her. This didn't feel like a good place to leave things, but she didn't know what to say.

Her heart started to race as they got out to the sidewalk.

"Can I walk you to your apartment?" he asked softly.

"But your car is here."

He shrugged. "Honestly, I could use the walk."

"Okay." She chewed her lip uneasily and turned to head for home, Ben falling into step beside her.

He kept glancing at her, and then away again. She saw it out of the corner over her eye, but she couldn't make herself catch him in the act. She made herself too busy staring at the sidewalk ahead of her, trying to understand why was still upset.

"Are you feeling okay?" he asked after a quiet minute. "Are you having a lot of nausea?"

"Some. I guess. Mostly I'm just tired. I haven't been throwing up or anything like that."

"That's good," he said feebly.

Maybe he didn't really know what to do with all of this either.

They finally got to the door to her building and there stopped, standing on the sidewalk in a sudden fit of awkwardness that was entirely foreign for them. They'd never been this uncomfortable with each other. Not even in the very first meeting. It was horrible, but Rey didn't know how to break it.

Her heart was still racing way too fast, and a sensation similar to nausea was rising up in her now — but instead of throwing up, panicked words rushed through and out her.

"—I want to keep it—"

"—Rey, please don't terminate—"

They'd both blurted their confessions at the same time, so it took a half second for each to register what the other had said. Then they both stared in shock.

He wanted it too?

A slow warmth crept into Rey's cheeks, and she had to look away. "Okay, so…I guess that happened."

Ben set her bag of leftovers on the ground by her building door and took her hand, guiding her down to sit by him on the step.

"Do you really want to keep the baby?" he asked gently.

Oh god. The _baby_. Every time she thought the word, this all became terrifyingly real. To hear it out loud had the same effect, and more. Warmth and fear burst in fireworks through her dizzied mind.

"I know it doesn't make sense," she said breathlessly. "On any level."

"It doesn't," he agreed. "So why do we both want it?"

"I don't know."

Truly, she didn't. This moment was almost as bewildering as anything else that had happened. Ben was supposed to be upset, but he hadn't been, at any moment this evening, even when he was clearly overwhelmed. That alone was enough, now he was telling her that he wanted to upend his whole life to accommodate a new life, entirely his responsibility — and hers? Why? Why did he want that? And why did she?

He sighed. "This is insane."

"It is."

But the tight ball of anxiety in her stomach had disappeared. She was still afraid of things to come, but the sorrow had vanished and in its place — a thrill. A spark.

"So how do we do this?" Ben looked at her, a hundred different indecipherable things written across his handsome face. "Do you want me to marry you?"

She recoiled. "What? No!"

He laughed. It felt really good to hear him laugh. Like maybe everything wasn't so heavy and world-ending. "Okay, calm down. I won't drag you down the aisle."

She shook her head, her voice firm and vehement. "I don't want anything to change. Well, I mean more than it obviously has to. But I don't want what we have, between us, to change. We'll just figure out how to co-parent."

His mouth thinned into a tight line, and she had no idea what it meant. It was gone a moment later. "I can do that. What's the very next step?"

"My doctor had me make a follow-up appoint to go back and discuss options with her in a couple days. Will you come with me?"

"Yes," he said immediately. "I'll come with you to every appointment, if you'll let me."

Something inside her almost broke with the force of her relief. She wasn't alone. The road ahead suddenly seemed a little less daunting. Emboldened, she leaned into his shoulder, resting her head against him. "Thank you."

"You don't have to thank me, Rey, I want to be there."

"I meant for everything. For being okay with this. For not freaking out."

"I'm definitely freaking out," he admitted. "Just on the inside."

"Me too," she said, daring to laugh and release some of the pressure in her chest.

After a minute, he said, "But I think we're going to be okay, too."

"I hope so."

A low chuckle moved through him. "I told you it was a bad idea to have me come to your place for quarantine."

"The worst," she agreed, and laughed again.

They sat in their strange new reality for a few quiet minutes, watching a city turn from its afternoon bustle to evening entertainment. Nobody knew the secret that they shared now. Likely nobody would care. For everyone else, life went on as it did before. For them, everything was different now. But Rey felt less sick and nervous about it than she did this morning. If she had to be in this situation with anyone, at least it was Ben. The best friend she'd ever had. The only one she'd trust to help her handle something so monumental. They could figure it out.

He was right. They'd be okay.

Eventually they stood to part. And Ben caught her in a wordless hug. They left each other with the promise that he'd pick her up for appointment in a couple days, and the reassurance again that everything would be fine.

When Ben turned to leave, Rey caught a fleeting glimpse of him _smiling_ , in a way he had never smiled before.


	4. The Sound of All Sounds

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which there's a touch of jealousy, and they say hello

Ben called her every morning.

Both days between their emotionally fraught dinner and the follow-up appointment, he called her at 10am sharp. He knew she'd be finished with her morning routine by then and ready to start working. He was already at work, of course, but told her he scheduled a little break in so he could be alone to call. He always called for one reason: to know how she was feeling, if she was alright.

They were not, she learned after the first call, the same questions. The first referred to her physical comfort, and the second to her emotions. The answers varied wildly between the two days. The first she felt fine and nervous but excited. The second, she felt gross and utterly overwhelmed. He almost left work for that one, until she angrily forbade him from doing so.

Rey couldn't decide if this new habit was annoying or sweet. Maybe a little bit of both. She supposed it wasn't entirely fair to be irritated — he was obviously trying to figure out what his role of support entailed here. They were both out at sea in terms of experience. Ben was an only child, Rey a foundling, and neither of them had any notion of what to expect.

"I think there's a book for that," Ben told her the second morning, when she confessed that she had no idea about any of this.

"No thanks," she said softly.

Rey thought a pregnancy book would probably scare her more than reassure her. She wasn't sure she wanted to read it. Even though she had decided to go through with this, her emotions were still a little haywire and she didn't feel confident that she could read about her inevitable fate without freaking the fuck out.

It was still really new.

The morning of the appointment, Ben did not call her.

He knocked on her door instead.

She glanced at her clock and frowned. He was early. She closed her fridge and went to open the door for him. It was the first time she'd seen him since that night, and even though he looked relatively the same, there was definitely something different about him. His perfect lush hair was disheveled a bit, like he'd been running his hand through it too many times. His dark eyes glittered with something she had never seen before in the years of their acquaintance. He grinned sheepishly.

"Sorry, I know I'm early."

"Yeah," she said, opening the door wider and moving aside so he could come in. "You are."

He followed her to the kitchen and sat on one of her island stools, watching as she opened the fridge yet again to stare at the contents with growing dissatisfaction.

"So," she said awkwardly, pulling open the cheese drawer, frowning and closing it again. "How's work?"

"I thought it might be hard to focus, but with this presentation coming up I haven't really been able to be distracted. Which is a good thing, I guess."

Rey closed the fridge and just grabbed a glass of water instead, sliding onto a stool next to him. "When is the presentation?"

"Tomorrow. You're not going to eat?"

She shrugged. "Guess not. Nothing looks good."

He frowned. "I think you should."

"Ben," she said warningly. "I didn't invite you to give me nutrition advice."

"I've been doing that for years and you've never complained. Besides, you turning down food is practically headline news, so I'd be worried regardless the reason. This doesn't necessarily have to do with what I did to you." He stood and went to her cupboards, searching through them. "What have you been eating the last few mornings?"

"Mostly the main things. Cereal, toast, muffins," she said, which was more or less true. She'd nibble on her normal breakfast foods, but most of it went uneaten. This was the first day that absolutely none of them had appealed at all. "Seriously, though, you don't need to find something for me to eat. I'm fine."

"No dice. Sounds like you're just subsisting on carbs. That sugary cereal you like isn't a good breakfast. No wonder you don't want to eat."

She sighed. "I'm _fine_. Can't I just listen to my own body, Ben? It doesn't want any food."

"I'm not sure you can rely on those signals right now. Your body is working on something else a lot bigger than just keeping you alive. This project takes precedence, and it needs energy to devote to it. You need to eat, for both of you."

"Why do I feel like you're comparing this pregnancy to your presentation at work?"

"I'm not, I swear," he said, flashing her an innocent grin. "Can I make you an egg?"

She grimaced. "Please don't. Eggs make me want to gag. They stink. Just face it, you're not going to be able to find anything appealing. And that's okay."

"I'm not backing down from this challenge, Rey. I _will_ find you food that you actually you want."

"Good luck," she snorted.

He drummed his fingers on the counter, thinking. "We're early enough, we could grab something on our way. Maybe a smoothie?"

It was the easiest conquest in the world.

Instantly, Rey's pride dissolved away because her mouth started to water and her whole body perked up at the suggestion. Something cold sounded _wonderful_. Without even giving him an answer, she went to find her shoes. She heard him chuckle softly behind her and murmur privately to himself.

"Now that's more like it."

She ignored this. It wasn't hard to admit how pleasant it was to have him taking care of her while she was sick, so she didn't know why she resisted it now. He was so very good at it.

A half an hour later they were on their way to the appointment, Rey happily nursing a protein-and-vitamin-infused passion fruit smoothie in the passenger seat, and a preening, proud Ben working on his own green veggie-and-fruit concoction that she thought sounded terrible behind the wheel. He kept glancing at her with this smug, victorious look.

"Yeah, yeah, Solo, keep gloating. You won this time," she grumbled at him.

"I'll win every time," he said confidently.

She laughed. "We'll see."

The smoothie did have a little bit a chalky flavor she didn't love, probably from the protein and vitamins Ben had insisted on, but Rey didn't mind. It wasn't unpleasant enough to drown out the sheer bliss of something so very cold sitting in her disgruntled stomach, soothing it. She might have to buy some produce and make her own at home. This was hitting the spot the way no food had in the last few weeks.

"So," Ben asked after a few minutes of contented silence, "have you told that Thomas guy about this?"

Rey frowned. "No? Why would I tell him?"

Ben snorted. It was a soft, incredulous noise. "Maybe he's a better man than I am, but this news could definitely change his level of interest in you."

"What does that mean?" She shot him an irritated look.

"It means he might not want to pursue a relationship with you. I wouldn't, if I were in his place. I would not want to get involved with a woman carrying another man's baby if that man were still hanging around doing all the fatherly things. I wouldn't know what my role would be."

Rey hated the way she blushed, the way her insides seemed to curl in on themselves in pleasure at the tiniest note of possessiveness in his voice. A faint echo of the way he growled his ownership of her while he stuffed her with his cock. _His_ baby.

"I mean," she mumbled in an attempt at resentfulness, "I'm going to tell him at some point, obviously. I just don't see why I'd tell him before I told Rose. We've only been on one date. I don't owe him anything."

Ben glanced over at her, setting his cup in the cupholder. "You haven't told Rose? I thought she'd be the first person."

"As if I would tell her before I told you?" The thought had never even occurred to her. She loved Rose better than anyone in the world except Ben, but only _he_ mattered right now, in this context. "You and only you are the other half of this equation, and so you and only you need to know right now. After that, I'll decide when I'm ready to tell her or anyone else. Right now, I'm not. I want this to just be ours."

"Fair enough," he said gently. "For what it's worth, I'm glad you feel that way."

"What about you? Have you told anyone?"

"No."

She hadn't thought to be concerned about it, but she sighed in soft relief anyway. The moment their friends knew about this, they were going to go absolutely apeshit. She wanted to put that inevitable scene off for as long as possible. And then there was Ben's family too…

"How is your mother going to feel about this?" She asked in soft, dawning horror. His mother been on Ben's case to settle down and start a family for years now, but Rey was certain this was not what she meant.

"I have no idea," he said, sounding a little amused. "At least she gets the grandchild she'd been asking me for, so…she can't complain too much, right?

Rey experienced the tiniest flicker of something — gladness? That at least Ben could give this new little person a family to belong to. A tribe. Grandparents, a great aunt and uncle, a large extended network of people his parents were connected too. Rey had no idea what it was like to grow up with that. With people, not even just one but _many_ people, who loved her.

Yes, she was glad again that if this had to happen, it was with Ben.

They pulled into the parking lot of the office and headed inside. Rey got checked in while Ben selected a seat in the waiting room and picked up a magazine. He looked cool and calm, like being in a women's health clinic was not at all awkward for him. Rey appreciated that, at least.

She did notice a few of the women, waiting in their own chairs, kept sneaking glances in his direction. It wasn't surprising. Rey had always known how women tended to look twice or three times at Ben when they were out and about. He was an unusual looking giant, with his broad, tall body and his long, angular face and plush lips. Ben himself didn't seem to be aware of the affect he had, and more than once acted baffled if Rey told him about women checking him out.

Right now, though, it didn't amuse her. It made her feel territorial. She stalked back to sit beside him and took his hand.

It was a silly gesture. They weren't _together_ like that. But some instinctual, animal thing inside her wanted to signal to these women that _she_ had captured his DNA and welded it to her own, _she_ was carrying this fine alpha specimen's offspring, not them.

Ridiculous. She knew she was being ridiculous.

Ben gave her a curious glance but let it happen, slotting his fingers into hers, oblivious as always at the attention of others.

A few minutes later the same MA from before appeared in the doorway, calling her name. They stood and she let him go, feeling a little foolish now that she'd had a moment to come to her senses. The other women could look all they wanted. Ben wasn't hers. Not like that, anyway.

They stopped at the scale and noted Rey's weight, something that made her both acutely aware of Ben's presence and also how this choice was going to change her body a lot in the coming weeks.

"So you're just here to talk to Doctor Holdo about your pregnancy?" The MA asked when they got into the exam room — a different room from the one before. This one put her instantly on guard, and her gaze darted around at all the unfamiliar trappings. Instead of a normal bed-looking table, there was a huge and ominous chair-like thing with wide stirrups on either side, and a machine next to it with all sorts of attachments. There was also a big screen on the wall. Rey shivered. This looked like fearful things happened here.

Ben nudged her.

Oh, right. She blinked at the MA again. "Uh, yes. Sorry."

She was beckoned over to the terrifying chair and there had her temperature read with a forehead scanner.

The MA glanced at Ben, taking a seat in one of the ordinary visitor chairs, and then she glanced again. Yep. Her too. Rey frowned.

The girl was about Rey's own age. Shorter, cuter, with white-blond hair swept up into a high ponytail and bright blue eyes. Her cheeks pinked a little as she looked away from Ben and slid the blood pressure cuff up Rey's arm. Of course she thought Ben was hot. He _was_ hot.

"Your blood pressure," the girl noted, glancing at her. "It's a little elevated."

"Do I need to be worried about that?" Rey managed to grind out, feeling nothing charitable towards her at all.

"No," she chirped, smiling. "It's not in a dangerous range, it's just a little higher than your usual. Are you experiencing some stress?"

"You could say that."

"No worries, it's just something to keep an eye on." The MA glanced at Ben again.

"Can't imagine what you'd have to be stressed about," he said mildly, meeting Rey's eye with an amused sort of smirk.

He thought he knew. He didn't. She wasn't going to tell him.

Ben dated. She knew this. He had girlfriends. His last one, Bazine, he'd dated for almost eight months. Rey had no reason to feel antagonistic towards this cute medical assistant, and she really needed to get a hold of herself because this was no way to go on.

"Okay," the other girl said cheerfully after she finished taking Rey's vitals. She wasn't this chipper last time, Rey thought rebelliously. "Doctor Holdo should be in shortly!"

She gave Ben one last curious look and a bright smile before breezing out of the room.

"You look like you just sucked a lemon," Ben remarked when they were alone in the quiet room with the lurking machine.

Rey pressed her lips into a tight line and said nothing. If she told him she was feeling irrationally jealous of the medical assistant's interest in him, she'd be both revealing her irrationality _and_ alerting him to a potential date, if he hadn't already noticed. And she was willing to be he hadn't, because Ben could be kind of obtuse like that.

When she didn't reply, he stood up and started wandering around the room, investigating everything. She sat stone-still as he approached the machine with all its attachments. He glanced up at the screen.

"Are they going to do an ultrasound?"

Oh. It hadn't occurred to her that this is what the machine might be for. It looked a lot scarier than what she'd seen on TV. This one had a huge…wand…thing. Ben noticed it too. He pointed.

"Does that go where I think it goes?"

"I don't know," Rey hissed. "Maybe this is the abortion room. She doesn't know what I decided. Maybe she thinks I'm going to end it."

He laughed.

"What?" she demanded. "You don't think so?"

"No, I don't. Are they going to put on a movie for you while they do it?" He asked, motioning to the screen. "Maybe Rosemary's Baby or something awful to really make you confident in your decision?"

Rey couldn't help it, she snorted a little at that.

Ben snooped around a bit more, finding a latex glove box and removing one. Before Rey knew what he intended to do with it, the door opened.

Doctor Holdo came in, smiling and radiant and still purple. Her smile grew when she saw Ben standing there by Rey, still seated on the chair thing.

"Hello, I'm Doctor Holdo. Who am I meeting here today?"

She extended a hand. Ben shook it. "Hey, Doc. I'm Ben. I'm…I guess I'm the father."

"You guess," Rey scoffed.

"Ben, wonderful to meet you," Holdo said smoothly. As she turned her attention to Rey, Ben went back to the chairs. Holdo pulled up a rolling stool. "And how are you doing? You were pretty rattled by our last visit."

"I'm okay now," Rey said quickly. Maybe a little too quickly. "Or…I think I'm okay. It's still a lot to process."

Holdo nodded sympathetically. "I understand. Have you thought about your options? There's plenty we can do about this. It's up to you."

She didn't even look at Ben, Rey realized. Her meaning was clear. This was _Rey's_ choice. That was a good role for the doctor to play, she knew. Holdo couldn't know if Ben had pressured her into one decision or another. But Rey was glad to know they'd arrived at the same conclusion, so she could confidently report — or as confidently as she could muster:

"I want to keep it."

Holdo smiled again, her eyes illuminating. "Okay! Well then it looks like we're having a baby!"

Rey swallowed and glanced at Ben, who was watching her with a soft sort of expression she couldn't decipher.

"So, what happens now?" she asked Holdo.

"Well, we can take a peek and see where we're at. What do you say?" She patted the machine. "A quick ultrasound will let us know that everything's proceeding okay and confirm the viability of the pregnancy."

"Um, is it with that thing?" Rey asked, pointing to the wand.

Holdo nodded. "Your baby is too small to find with an external ultrasound right now, so we do it vaginally. It's quick, and it doesn't hurt, I promise."

"Okay," Rey agreed in a small voice.

Holdo spun around and pulled open a drawer, removing a clean white sheet. "Okay, then I'll go out for a minute and if you could just get dressed from the waist down, put this over your lap, then we can take a look. Sound good?"

"Good," Rey confirmed, nervous again.

Holdo gave her knee a reassuring pat and then headed for the door. She paused and pointed at Ben. "Do you want him to stay in here with you while you get undressed?"

Ben glanced at her for the answer too, amused.

As if he hadn't put his face into every crevice of her body, Rey thought with similar entertainment. He knew her physical form better than she did, she was pretty sure. He'd been studying her intimately for a couple years now. She didn't feel any shame being naked in front of him anymore.

"It's fine, he can stay."

Holdo smiled, nodded, and breezed on out.

"Your doctor has purple hair," he observed as she slid off the chair and started to pull her shoes off.

"Oh?" she said with playful sarcasm. "I hadn't noticed."

"I've just never met a doctor who didn't look like they stepped right off the medical professional assembly line," he chuckled.

"I like her a lot." Rey waded up her pants to hide her underwear in them and put them on the other chair by Ben. Then feeling particularly exposed and vulnerable, slunk back to the chair and pulled the sheet over her lap. The paper crinkled and stuck to the skin of her butt.

Ben took her things and started to fold them. He hid her neatly squared underwear beneath her precisely creased pants. "You seem nervous."

"Did you see the thing she wants to put in me?" she asked, motioning to it again.

He stood and came over to her side again, barely flicking a glance at the wand before he was looking back at her again, his eyes hooded, his soft, plush mouth twisted into a funny little smirk. "You're worried about that? I promise you can take that. You can handle _a lot_ more than that."

Ben held up two of his fingers and then put them next to the wand for comparison. His fingers were huge.

Rey blushed. "I didn't think about…but that's different. You know how to rile me up so I'm ready for it."

"That's what I'd use to get you ready for more," he purred, sliding a hand over her thigh, bare beneath the flimsy protection of the sheet. "If we had time, I could do that for you now."

"I really don't think we do," she stammered.

Proving her point, there came a soft knock at the door.

Ben lifted his hand but his little smile remained. He moved around to the other side of her chair to give the machine and its pending user some space. Rey glared at him, a harmless glare, really, and then told Holdo to come in.

Ben didn't go to his chair. He stayed beside Rey. Holdo flicked on the TV and then the ultrasound machine. She made sure the two were paired.

"I'm going to lower the chair, kind of like a dentist chair, is that okay?" she asked Rey briskly.

Rey nodded. The chair hummed beneath her as it leaned back, setting her at a slightly uncomfortable incline. She followed the subsequent instructions to put her feet into the stirrups. Meanwhile Holdo covered the wand in a sterile baggie and a generous amount of lube.

"Okay, little pressure, hun," Holdo crooned as she moved between Rey's spread legs.

It really wasn't bad. Ben was right, she was used to a much more difficult stretch. The want glided in smoothly and nestled there, almost not even noticeable until Holdo moved it around. Rey relaxed.

The TV screen showed an incomprehensible blur of black spaces and gray and white lines and shapes. Rey had no idea what any of it meant. Holdo shifted the wand a little until she found what she was searching for.

"There," she said with satisfaction. "See that?"

In a black void there was a shape, roundish, blurrish, with something fluttering in its center.

"Let's take a listen," Holdo said quietly, and clicked a button on the ultrasound machine. A noise emitted from the computer's speakers, hollow and rushing and frantic, like a rapid pulse in a wind tunnel.

"This is the embryo," Holdo pointed to the shape. "This is the sac that's starting to develop. That will protect your baby in amniotic fluid for the duration of the pregnancy. And that little thing," she pointed to the flutter. "Is what's making this sound. That's your baby's heartbeat."

Rey couldn't breathe. It felt like her own heart had stopped the moment she heard that second tiny one come to life. So fast, so steady. _So strong_. Inside her, some unfamiliar feeling was stirring, an instinct she'd never accessed awakening to the knowledge that there was something precious here to protect. That sound. It was the strangest but most welcome sound she'd ever heard. A heart beating where there wasn't one before. The thrumming of a life beginning to exist because of _her_. Tears welled up in her eyes but did not fall. She felt…she felt love.

A huge, warm hand slipped into hers. She held it tight. Barely managing to tear her gaze away from the screen, she glanced at Ben, who was staring at her in unconcealed wonder. Like she was the most miraculous thing he'd ever seen. He returned his attention to the TV and that wonder compounded again and again, as if he didn't know which was more astonishing, Rey or the fluttery little humanish roundish shape.

Holdo was watching them. She smiled. Her voice was soft and reverent as the steady rhythm of the heartbeat continued to fill the room. "So it looks like you're right about nine weeks, Rey. By next week, we can't call it an embryo anymore. This baby will be a full fledged fetus. Right now it's about the size of an—"

"An olive," Ben murmured, almost to himself. His deep voice thrummed in harmony with the heartbeat.

Holdo looked pleased. "Yes, about the size of an olive."

"How did you know that?" Rey asked him.

"I — found an app," he said, his gaze still glued to the TV. "Tells you week by week how big it is and what changes to expect. I think it's supposed to be for the mother. But I like it."

Rey hastily wiped away the tears that spilled over, the traitors, and looked back at the screen again. "Oh," she said softly, because it was the only thing she could manage.

"That should put your due date around October 10th," Holdo murmured. Then smiled brightly at them. "Hey, a Libra. That's a good sign. Nice and balanced. I bet you'll have a good baby."

October. The world would turn upside down in October.

Holdo took a few measurements on the computer, then clicked off the heart monitor and slowly withdrew the wand. She hooked it back in place and threw away the baggie. Another click of the computer and it printed out two copies of a little black frame with a white blob in the center.

"Baby's first photo," she joked, handing one to each of them. Ben let go of Rey to take his copy with both hands. "I'm gonna sit you up now, okay, sweetie?"

Rey put her feet down and sat back up with the chair, staring at the picture in her hand. It didn't capture any of the impossible magic of seeing the living proof on the screen, or the hearing it race through her ear.

"Okay," Holdo said, turning off both TV and machine and wheeling over in front of Rey again. "Next steps."

"Next steps," Rey repeated.

"I'll see you again in four weeks," Holdo said. "We'll meet once a month until you're about 28 weeks, unless you start to have complications. After that it'll be every two, and then every week towards the very end. But don't worry, you don't have to remember that right now. You'll have the anatomy scan ultrasound around 20 weeks, and you'll be able to find out the sex at that if you want."

Rey nodded.

Holdo continued. "You might start to feel more nauseated soon. It's kind of a myth that it goes away around twelve. Some women start to feel better around fourteen, fifteen weeks. Some things that can help with nausea — Ben, it's your job to help her remember some of these things, okay? Dads are here to help moms get through the tough stuff. She's got a lot going on, so remembering what things are better to eat than others is something you can do."

 _Great_ , thought Rey, knowing Ben was going to task this charge very seriously.

Holdo glanced between them. "So some things that can help with nausea. Firstly of all, believe it or not, food! It's _really_ important that you eat."

Here Ben shot Rey a smug look. She pointedly ignored him.

"If you get too hungry, you'll get nauseated. Snack often. If big meals are too much to handle, just eat lots of small meals. High-protein snacks can really help stave off nausea. Mild foods and mild flavors might be your friend right now, but listen to your cravings and your aversions. Ginger is great at helping with nausea. A lot of women find ginger-ale very soothing. Peppermint gum can also help. I'll print you a list. Get on a good prenatal vitamin — keep in mind that more expensive doesn't always equal better. Some companies like to prey on expectant moms' fears and charge way more than they have to. Gummies tend to be easier on the stomach than the pills."

Rey was really glad somebody else was here right now taking note of these things because she was starting to feel a little bombarded with information. She was still coming down off the high of seeing the little life buried, snug and safe, inside her. Her mind wasn't ready to digest all of this info at once.

Holdo smiled knowingly. "Rey, if you ever have questions or concerns, you can call here any time. I know it's a lot. I'll give you some print-outs. If Ben's app is the one I'm thinking of, it's also a great resource and you should download it too. And don't worry. It looks like you've got a good partner in your corner. With the two of you on the same team, you and this baby are going to be just fine."

Rey exhaled a long breath, nodding.

Holdo glanced up at Ben. "Any questions, big guy?"

"Is there anything she needs to be careful of? Activities to avoid?" he asked.

"Roller coasters are out. No scuba diving." Holdo said with a grin. "But you should be fine with most things. Just avoid hot baths. Warm is fine, just not too hot."

"Um," Rey ventured cautiously, her face warming, and she refused to look at Ben. "Sex?"

"Sex is fine, hun," Holdo said. "Orgasms are good for your pelvic floor. Just don't get roller coaster-level rigorous. Listen to your body. It'll tell you your limits. And you," she gave Ben a rather intense look now. "You listen to her. She'll tell _you_ her limits. She's already making your baby, she doesn't owe you anything else."

"Understood," Ben said, his voice gentle.

Rey wasn't even sure she meant sex with Ben specifically (of course she did) but she was glad to know it wouldn't pose any great risk. She'd had some vague fear that it would jostle the embryo right out. Or something. She didn't know.

When they couldn't think of anything further to ask (Rey had a thousand questions but she couldn't make any of them come to mind at the moment) she finished up and bade them goodbye with instructions for Rey to make her next appointment at reception.

Ben took Rey's phone as he handed her clothes back to her and began messing around on it. When he finished, he took the latex glove out of his pocket and blew it up like a balloon. By the time she was cleaned off and dressed, sliding the little printed ultrasound picture into her pocket, he was finished tying it up.

"A phone for you," he said, handing her the device. "And a chicken for you, little olive," he said to her belly, putting the inflated glove against it.

Rey took both, looking at the glove and finding it really did sort of look like a chicken, if the thumb were the beak. She smiled. Checking her phone to see what he'd done, she discovered that she had a new app.

"How'd you find this?" She asked him, not sure what else to address. She felt like they'd just been through some emotional journey together, and this app was the most neutral, safe thing to discuss. She clicked the app open.

_Baby — October 10 — 9 Weeks_

Beneath it had a little drawing of an olive, a 3D rendering of an alien-looking fetus thing, some info about baby's development, a rendering of a female form with a uterus.

"I wanted to know how big it was…" Ben said. He shrugged. "I googled it. Got directed to the app. I know you don't want to read the book, but I have to know what's coming down the road. I prefer to be prepared."

"I get that," she said, closing the app and her phone and tucking it into her other pocket. She held on to his makeshift glove balloon. "Thank you."

He smiled. "Mind if I hold your hand while we walk out? After that," he motioned to the screen, "I just feel like I really want to hold your hand."

"Okay," she said shyly, and let him take it. Despite all the hand-holding of their last encounter and today, this wasn't really something they did. It was too…relationship-y. Too much like boyfriends and girlfriends. And they weren't that. But Rey knew why he wanted to. She wanted it too. After witnessing the evidence of the life they made together, she felt so much closer to him. Close enough to need his hand in hers.

After she made the next appointment and they were back in the car, Ben announced they were going to go grocery shopping.

"But you have to get to work!" she protested.

"What's Luke going to do? Fire me? He already thinks I'm a screw up, me showing up hours late won't change that. And you need healthy things you're actually willing to eat. So don't argue with me on this, I'll win again."

She decided, just this once, to let him win without the argument.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Next up — a chapter from Ben's POV!


	5. Unmade

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> An introduction, an invitation, and a shameless booty call.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

>  **Content Warnings**  
>  Smut ahead.
> 
> Apologies for not getting this one up yesterday. 
> 
> Ben's POV was incredibly tricky because this boy has A LOT of feelings and I couldn't let him give them all away too early. It ran long, but I didn't think you'd mind.
> 
> Enjoy!

**CHAPTER FIVE: Unmade**

* * *

"Well, well, if it isn't the prince himself," said Gwen, casting Ben an arched brow when he walked into the office around 1pm that afternoon.

She was at her assistant's desk, the two of them going over some documents or other, providing her a perfect view of the door when he came in.

Gwen was Armitage's sister, and Ben's favorite coworker. The tall, broad blond was snarky and no-nonsense and extremely good at her job. Everything Ben valued in a workmate. He didn't even mind that she was the one to call him out on his extreme tardiness this day.

When he just flashed her a smirk and walked on past, she scrambled to follow. "You do know the rest of us could get fired for showing up four hours late? And how it looks when you just waltz in here expecting to get away with it?"

"Nepotism's a bitch," he acknowledged coolly, searching himself and finding not even a flicker of remorse.

She snorted. "Lucky for you I know it works against you as often as it saves you. Luke has been going _nuts_ this morning."

"He called me." Several dozen times, actually. Ben had been surreptitiously ignoring every message and incoming call all day. "Has he made life a living hell around here for all of you without me to take out his frustrations on?"

"He's definitely been unpleasant, but most of his rage was still directed to you. Or the ghost of you. Where the hell have you been?"

"A doctor's appointment," he said.

"Why didn't you put it on your schedule? Kaydel had no idea what to tell Luke when he went raging around trying to find you."

Ben shrugged. "Guess I forgot."

He definitely did forget. He'd known about this appointment for two days. He could have alerted someone and avoided causing all this trouble, but to do that he'd have had to actually care. Which, he really didn't.

"You definitely owe her an apology," said Gwen, pursing her lips.

"I will apologize, and order her some of those fancy chocolates she likes." Ben didn't mind doing that for his long-suffering assistant. And he'd make sure to put the next appointment Rey scheduled for a month from now onto his schedule to avoid a repeat scenario. He considered the subtle purr of contentment rolling around inside him at the thought of that next appointment as he and Gwen rounded the corner and arrived at said assistant's desk.

Kaydel Connix was frowning at him. He knew he deserved it, but he really couldn't bring himself to feel bad about what he'd done.

"Hi," she said glumly. "You have a stack of messages."

He took them from her. "Thank you. Kaydel, I'm sorry I didn't put my appointment this morning on the schedule and that you had to deal with the fallout. I promise to make it up to you."

Kaydel shrugged and said nothing. Gwen rolled her eyes at the insincere, practically scripted apology and followed Ben right into his office.

It wasn't like Gwen to meddle in other people's affairs. Of the group, she was the least meddlesome, actually. So why was still buzzing around like this?

"Do you need something?" he asked her.

Gwen gave him a dirty look. "Fine, I won't catch you up on the changes to the presentation Luke demanded. It's not like we have to finish it today or anything."

The presentation. Ben groaned and fell into his chair. His head was not in this today. It wasn't in it yesterday, or the day before either, not since Rey told him her news, but _especially_ not today. His soul was too busy soaring somewhere in the atmosphere, high off this most unexpected change that had come into his life. The reminder of this woefully mundane presentation was like an anchor yanking him back down.

He brushed it off. No, he wouldn't let Luke or work ruin his good day.

The _best_ day.

The day he heard the sound of his future.

"Alright, what do I need to know?" he asked, shielding his excellent mood from the inevitable downer that the rest of the day would be. He parceled up his feelings from this morning and set them aside to be examined more tenderly later when he was alone.

Perhaps glimpsing the resolve in his countenance, Gwen nodded approvingly and put her tablet onto his desk to show him what she'd worked up.

Ben accessed his well of focus, going over ideas with Gwen, tweaking what he'd already worked on to flow better with her changes, funneling what was left of himself into his work. He succeeded. He was productive. Very productive. Even when Gwen went back to her office, he kept going without distraction, doing some of his best work. It surprised him. And pleased him. And when Luke finally came around, Ben was ready for his wrath.

And wrath it was.

His uncle stormed into his office full of the familiar fury Ben had come to expect from him, and so much more. His blue eyes blazed with icy fire.

"Where the hell were you this morning?" he shouted.

Obviously he wanted the whole office to know that Ben was being taken to task for his unacceptable tardiness.

"Doctor appointment," Ben said again, cool as a cucumber. Once more he tried and failed to find even an ounce of regret. Putting in arbitrary hours in the office held no meaning at all compared to what he'd chosen to do instead. And he found it immensely satisfying that he could tell them this truth and they weren't allowed to ask him any more about it. Having a secret like this was delightful. It made him feel smug.

"Oh really?" Luke didn't believe him at all. "An appointment you didn't put on your schedule?"

"Yep."

Ben wasn't even trying to save his own skin. He didn't give any fucks what his uncle thought. Luke didn't keep Ben around because of any sense of obligation to family. He'd fire his nephew in a heartbeat if he got too fed up. Ben knew this, but he wasn't worried about it. He'd been preparing for that scenario for a while now.

The thing was, Ben was _good_ at his job. Excellent, even. His clients always saw enormous profit boosts after hiring him, and he had built a powerful reputation for Luke's firm and himself. Ben knew how to manipulate public perception, which was why he'd been a natural fit for this career in public relations. And he'd excelled the way few people did.

The talent for it ran in the family, apparently, because Luke had been in the business long before Ben came into the picture. He had his own modest firm. When Ben was in school and showing such promising talent, Luke excitedly brought him on board. He thought they would be a good team. They were, admittedly. Together they built up Luke's business until they were one of the most reputable teams in the whole industry. Prestigious companies hired them to manage their public relations, and many of them were directly under Ben's supervision now.

He knew these clients would follow him if he started his own firm. When he drafted his contracts, he always managed to introduce subtle language that would subvert any non-competition clauses Luke included, so Ben could defend his siphoning of clients in court if it got that ugly.

Not that he would start his own firm unless Luke pushed him to it — but he was ready, if it came to that.

Maybe Luke knew, because as furious as he got with Ben's sometimes flagrantly disrespectful attitude, he never did try to fire him.

Gwen and the others thought it was nepotism. In truth it was because Ben had made himself far too valuable to lose, and _that_ had nothing to do with blood.

So for right now he let Luke rant at him, yelling and gesturing and swearing and getting all worked up. It all rolled right off Ben. Normally, he would rankle and chafe under this kind of treatment, and he'd endure it with thinly veiled annoyance. Today, however, he was impervious. His body was here, but his mind and heart drifted elsewhere, across the city, where a little heart beat so fast and new.

Today, Ben was untouchable.

"If you're done," he told Luke calmly when his uncle finally exhausted all his bluster and just defaulted to indignant glaring, "I'll show you the rest of the presentation."

Luke sneered. "Right, like you actually worked on it. I don't know where you head is at, Ben, but the meeting is _tomorrow_."

"Gwen and I finished it."

At this, Luke cut himself off. He looked startled, and then annoyed. That's how Ben knew he'd won this little encounter. It knocked Luke right off the high ground. So Ben showed him, and sat back in satisfaction as his uncle looked it over with increasing approval.

"This is good," Luke said after a minute.

Because for as much as an asshole as his uncle was, he wasn't too prideful to admit quality work when he saw it.

"Really good. They're going to love this."

"I know," said Ben. "Gwen had some good points about our positioning. I think this angle works better."

"I agree," Luke murmured, flicking through another slide.

There came a soft knock on the doorframe. Both men lifted their heads, and then jerked to their feet.

"Leia!" Luke said in surprise.

Ben's mother stood there in the doorway, watching them with a little smile on her face. Slight of frame, big of presence. "I expected to find you two in here yelling at each other. I'm shocked."

"You're a few minutes too late for that," said Ben. He quickly crossed the room to greet her, like the well-trained son she expected. She pulled him in for a brief hug. She was so tiny, he really had to hunch down to do it properly. "Hi, Mom. Shouldn't you be in class?"

"I got worried! Luke sent me a text this morning asking if I knew where you were. Why didn't you answer my call? And where did you go?" she asked, a not-so-subtle note of reproach laced into her words.

"He was at the doctor," Luke scoffed. "If you can believe it."

"Sorry, Mom," said Ben. "I didn't want to be rude, talking on the phone in the waiting room."

"Well you could have at least sent me a text to let me know you were alright," she said, frowning. "What's wrong? Why did you have to go to the doctor?"

A hiccup in his excuse, he realized. His mother, not being a coworker or at all affiliated with the company, wasn't bound by HR protocols. She could ask anything she wanted. And with amusement he wondered what would happen if he just told her the truth. _Mom, turns out I made an olive. Rey's trying to make it into a baby. Congrats, grandma._

He wondered if she'd pass out with shock or just break out the vuvuzela and start riverdancing her joy.

But Rey wasn't ready for anyone to know. And Ben wouldn't do that to her. He liked keeping it between them for now. So instead he just said mildly, "I'm fine. Just following up with some things after the virus. Making sure everything is good."

"And is it?"

Ben smiled bigger than the question deserved. He couldn't help himself. "It's great."

His mother cocked her head, giving him a puzzled, intrigued look.

"You didn't really ditch your class to come here and make sure your son was alive," Luke said skeptically, interrupting whatever analysis she was trying to make. "So why are you here?"

Leia grinned a cheeky little grin. She was definitely up to some mischief, then. She patted her son's arm. "No, but I am glad to know he is, since he doesn't feel it important to let me know these things himself. What I'm doing here doesn't concern you, brother mine. I just brought someone by to introduce to Ben."

Ben winced.

Another one of his mom's infamous attempts at matchmaking, then.

Luke groaned. "Leia, you can't just keep showing up at my office with women you want him to go out with. This isn't a dating service. We actually do important work here."

Leia waved dismissively at him. "As if spinning some CEO's lewd sex affair into a story of how he rescues kittens from snake farms is important work. Ben has said that he won't ask someone out he's never met, and since he doesn't come by _ever_ , I have to bring them to him."

"Leave the kid alone," Luke insisted. "He'll find a wife when he's good and ready. I eventually found Mara, didn't I?"

"I happen to want grandchildren," Leia said, leveling him with one of her fierce looks. "You took so long finding Mara that your testicles dried up and fell off, you haggard ole geezer. I'm not waiting around for that to happen to my son. If I find a nice girl I think he might get along with, I'm setting them up. Just try to stop me."

"Whoa, okay, okay," Ben chuckled, because hearing his mother insult her brother always gave him great pleasure. He got between the testy twins. "Fine, Mom. Tell me about this one."

His mother's face softened when she turned her attention to him. She patted his chest appreciatively. "She's great, son. She's a CPA, very driven, independent, likes to learn, cheerful. And she likes movies as much as you do! Isn't that great? I'm sure you'll have lots to talk about."

"And how do you know this one?" Luke grouched.

Leia shot him a look. "Her father as an old friend of mine."

Everybody's parent was an old friend of hers. It often felt like Ben couldn't go anywhere without meeting someone who knew his mother. She made a name for herself. She once ran the most powerful political think tanks in the nation as one of the most prestigious political strategists, before she got bored, retired from that, finished her PhD, and snagged herself a tenured position at the local university. Now even the young knew her too. Ben was always meeting people who gushed about his mother when she learned whose son he was.

"Fine," he said with a touch of resignation. "Let's meet her then."

He followed her out to the lobby, much to Luke's incredulity. His uncle knew how Ben felt about these introductions. It was maybe the only thing the two of them agreed on. Standing awkwardly in the middle of the room waited a young woman probably near his own age. She was tall, as tall as him, with a long jet-black ponytail hanging almost to her waist. And as striking as her significant height was her beauty, with wide full lips, high, sharp cheekbones, and alluring brown eyes. Great body. She looked like she could be a model, and Ben wondered idly why she chose to be something as boring as a CPA instead.

"Ben, this is Aayla. Aayla, this is my son, Ben."

She extended a hand. Ben took it.

"It's nice to meet you," he said lightly.

His mother's timing couldn't have been worse. A day earlier and he might have indulged her whims by asking this woman out. After today, though, Ben was certain his dating days were over. At least for the next six to twelve months. He could academically assess this woman's physical attractiveness without even the faintest flicker of interest. Whatever she had to offer, it couldn't be better than what he already had.

"So Leia tells me you're in PR," Aayla said brightly. "That's so interesting!"

Was it? Ben didn't always think so.

"I enjoy it," he said diplomatically. "And you're a CPA?"

"I am!"

Riveting.

They chatted for a minute. It was awkward. Leia supplied conversation aid when they faltered. Ben's phone buzzed in his pocket. His fingers twitched for it, but he made himself abstain. If it were Rey, and he hoped it was, he'd want to answer immediately and then later his mother would lecture him about being rude. So he endured the conversation with the itch of an unread message in the back of his mind.

Finally the pretense was over, and Aayla gave him her business card, which also had her cell on it. She told him to call her, thanked Leia, and then left.

Leia turned to him expectantly. "See? Aren't you glad I brought her by? She's nice, isn't she?"

Ben didn't feel like leading his mother to false hope. "Mom, I'm not going to call her."

"Why not? Isn't she pretty enough for you? Smart enough? Why are you such a snob when it comes to women?"

"I'm not a snob. I'm just not interested."

"Ben," Leia sighed. "You have to get over Bazine. It's been long enough since you two broke up, this moping isn't appropriate anymore. And she wasn't for you, son. You can do so much better."

It amused Ben that his mother thought he felt any grief at all over breaking up with Bazine. In truth, he hadn't given it a second thought even once since it happened. Baz had gotten fed up with his relatively apathetic attitude and their lack of progress. She wanted to get engaged. He didn't. She gave him an ultimatum. He shrugged.

He shrugged himself right out of that relationship. It wasn't sad.

In fact, he'd celebrated a few days later by finally sleeping with Rey again. It had been over a year, and he was slowly dying a painful death without it. Ben was just enough of an asshole to sleep with someone right after breaking up with his girlfriend, but he wasn't the kind of guy who'd ever cheat. So Rey was off limits while either them were involved with other people. It was a testament to his restraint that he didn't go running into her bed that very night, but rather made himself wait a couple days.

She'd asked if it was consolation sex. He was honest. He said no, he wasn't sorry about Baz. It was because he had forgotten what she tasted like and needed to remember. That effectively ended her inquiry. And Ben finally found relief. Baz didn't do it for him the way Rey did. Nobody did. It wasn't a chore with her that way it was with everyone else. With her it was...divine. A power like life itself. Apparently that's exactly what it was.

"Just think about it, okay?" Leia sighed in exasperation when his silence went on and on.

He put Aayla's card in his pocket. "I'll think about it, but don't get your hopes up."

"When are you coming to dinner again? Your father and I miss you. It's been too long."

Ben shrugged. He was good at that. "Sometime. I've just been busy."

"You could squeeze us into one of your weekends," she said reproachfully. "Maybe this one?"

"Not this one. Soon, though, I promise."

Ben loved his parents. He really did. But his relationship with his father was tense sometimes — they weren't great at communicating — and his mother's ambitions for him were burdensome. Besides, she always wanted Luke and Mara to join them for big family dinners. Ben got more than enough Luke at work, he didn't need another dose in his free time.

Funny enough, when he was in a relationship, his family saw more of him. Dinners were good excuses to use up time on the weekends. Took the pressure off. Allowed him to get out of boyfriend obligations.

When Ben wasn't with anyone, he didn't feel the need to escape anything. So he didn't go as much. He wondered how this new development, Rey's little secret, would change all of that. At some point he would have to tell them. And then? Did he start bringing Rey to weekend dinners? And if so, what did that mean? More importantly, what would she think it meant?

A melancholy image flitted through him, of a version of himself, still single, bringing his baby to those dinners by himself during his allocated time. What would he get? Weekends? Every other week?

He felt a little disgruntled as he walked back to his desk after saying goodbye to his mother. Luke had gone off to do whatever. Ben sat and stared blankly at his computer screen. He took out Aayla's card and threw it in the trash. His phone buzzed again in his pocket, and then again, and again. Jeez, what was the crisis? He remembered the one from earlier, and that it might be from Rey, and suddenly he couldn't get it out fast enough.

There was one group message, still blowing up with replies, and one from Rey. He clicked the latter.

> **Rey:** Hey

He replied quickly, even though it had been a long time since she sent it and she might not be near her phone anymore. He hoped it hadn't been urgent. But she'd have called if it were something like that, right?

> — _Is for horses._

It took only a few seconds.

> **Rey:** Har har har
> 
> — _You used to think I was funny_
> 
> **Rey:** Years ago. I was a tender lil undergrad too afraid to not laugh at your bad dad jokes.
> 
> _—Guess I was just practicing._

She sent that shocked, blushing emoji. He smirked at his phone and leaned back in his chair, kicking his feet up on the desk to settle in for what he hoped would be a nice long conversation.

> — _H_ _ow are you?_
> 
> **Rey:** Scandalized
> 
> — _Ha, sorry. I meant how are you after...everything._
> 
> **Rey:** Good. Did you get in trouble?
> 
> — _Nothing I can't handle._
> 
> **Rey:** Did you get fired?
> 
> — _Lol, no._

She was slower to respond to that. Maybe the conversation was done. He kept flicking away the group text notifications, mildly irritated with them. He should probably just check to see what everyone was talking about, but this was more interesting. He sent a follow up.

> — _Have you been able to focus on work? Because it's been a real struggle here._
> 
> **Rey:** Yeah, same. I just feel so weird.
> 
> —S _ick weird?_
> 
> **Rey:** No. Emotionally. Like I don't know how to keep living life normally.

Yeah. Ben understood that feeling very well.

Everything had changed since she told him. Everything.

Ben liked to think of his mind, or maybe his heart, or both, as a well-organized storage room. He had boxes for everything. His parents and their messy relationship fit neatly into a box. His friends, into a box. His work, its own. Luke, another. A stint with a therapist once revealed that he was excellent at compartmentalization. He preferred keeping his feelings neatly organized this way, and if he needed to, he could take a box down and examine its contents. With dinner with his family, for example, he'd take down their boxes and let all that mess spill out, then tidily put it away again at the end of the night. Girlfriends didn't really get a dedicated box. They just kind of got shuffled into existing spaces. Rey had her own box, though. Because…because she did.

But that night at the Thai restaurant. With her terrified confession. It had blown him wide open. Like an eruption, a hurricane, inside him. And now everything was in disarray. Nothing made sense, everything was altered, emotions were on overdrive, and his heart hadn't stopped racing since she uttered those words. The world continued on as normal and demanded that he keep going in the same way, but it was disorienting to do so because he wasn't the same person he was before he got that news. His view of himself, his ideas for the future, his homeostasis, all of it was lost somewhere in the jumble and he had no idea how to sort through everything. It wasn't bad, in fact Ben experienced a gut-deep thrill when he thought of it, but it was still internal chaos.

He remained absolute certain of only one thing. A thing he wasn't allowed to look at. It was the only box he'd managed to put back on the shelf, because she needed him to.

> **Rey:** Can I ask you for something?
> 
> — _Yep._
> 
> **Rey:** It's awkward.
> 
> — _Need me to rub your cankles?_
> 
> **Rey:** No! I don't have cankles!
> 
> — _Did you get stuck in the toilet?_
> 
> **Rey:** …That only happened one time!
> 
> — _Did you flick a booger onto the ceiling and now you need someone tall to come wipe it off?_
> 
> **Rey:** ? You are so weird?
> 
> — _I'm trying to think of things that might be awkward for you to ask._
> 
> **Rey:** Well it's not anything like that, but it is still embarrassing.
> 
> — _Doubt it. Try me._

The three ellipses indicating her reply was being written appeared and disappeared several times. Ben watched them come and go with growing amusement. This girl really didn't understand that she could ask him to stand on a bed of hot coals for her and he'd do it.

> **Rey:** Okay, here goes. And please don't read too much into it. I'm just…I'm feeling so different and... happy? I think. But…I also I kind of don't want to be alone. Can we have a sleepover tonight?

He laughed. Kaydel looked up from her desk and threw him a strange glance.

> — _See? I was right. That is not embarrassing. Of course we can. My place or yours?_

She sent a huge grinning emoji.

> **Rey:** I don't know. I have better food. You have a better bed.
> 
> — _That I do. Pack up some things you want to eat. Only the healthy stuff we got today, none of your sugar cereal! And meet me there after work._
> 
> **Rey:** Okay!

Gwen poked her head into his office. "So are you coming?"

"Where?" Ben asked, looking up from his phone. "Where are we going?"

"What are you even doing on that thing, dumbass?" She shook her head. "The group text? Poe is throwing a party with all of us this weekend before Paige's wedding. A last hurrah, he says. As if she's going anywhere. Aren't you reading any of this?"

"Oh. I was talking to someone else." He finally opened the group message and had to scroll back a ridiculous ways to find the beginning.

Gwen sighed. "Just tell me you're coming. It's going to be awful and I need someone to commiserate with me in a corner."

Ben smirked at her. He knew the friends' dynamic was a little…hyper for her taste. It was for his too. Poe had started bringing him around all those years ago because of Jess, and a couple years later when Ben was inextricably part of the friend circle, he started bringing Gwen and Armitage Hux around in turn. Rose and Armie hit it off instantly, and their fast, intense relationship had sealed his spot as a permanent figure. Gwen kept coming because she didn't really know what else to do with herself. She and Ben were both a little awkward amidst all those extroverts. At least Ben had Rey, though.

"I'm pretty sure I'm going," he mused. "Don't worry."

"You'd better. Rey already replied and said she was coming too, if that helps persuade you." Gwen turned to leave again. She tossed over her shoulder, "You should say something in the group chat. Everyone thinks you're mad that your phone is blowing up."

Ben did just that. When she left, he sent a quick message saying he'd be there.

He glanced at the clock. One hour to go. Just one. He could do this.

* * *

Ben used the drive home to mentally prepare himself.

It was a necessary ritual. One he went through every time he knew he was going to be getting physical with Rey, and he suspected that was part of her plan tonight. He didn't have evidence to show for it — in fact he had a lot to suggest that wouldn't be on the menu, like her waning energy, her low-level nausea, and the huge fallout from what had happened last time they did — but still, the inkling nagged at his thoughts and told him he needed to be careful anyway. He always needed to be careful around her.

Their relationship was a strange thing. A precious and important thing, but strange. Fragile, maybe. Or maybe not, but he was too afraid of losing her to find out. So he had to watch his words, and his actions, and let her guide the mood so that he didn't jeopardize what they had.

Especially while he was inside her. That was when it was most dangerous. The wiring between his brain and his mouth was always compromised in that position, and he found himself saying all kinds of intense things when she writhed on him. He was always afraid he'd say too much, go too far, and ruin it all.

Now he felt more at risk of that than ever.

So he went through the motions of his ritual, reminding himself of what was at stake, talking up his self-control, making sure that box of hers was securely on the shelf, trying to find zen or mindfulness or whatever it was called. By the time he got home, he felt better prepared to face her.

Until he saw her.

She sat on the hood of her car, waiting, nibbling from one of the cans of assorted nuts he'd gotten for her earlier. When she spotted him, she scrambled off and grabbed her bag of things.

Rey wasn't an untouchable gorgeous bombshell. She was better. Adorable and approachable in all the best ways, but there was also something to her beauty that was a little bit _wild_. Like she didn't quite belong here, among the tame and civilized. The rebellious flare of an unloved child. That faint scattering of freckles, barely a suggestion in these winter months, and those pert little lips begged to be kissed, but the glint in her eye and the thread of steel at the edge of her mouth suggested it that would be a dangerous risk to take. Ben had never been brave enough to take it.

There was something else now, though. Purely fabricated in his mind's eye, of course, because if he didn't know, he wouldn't see anything different about her at all. But he did know. So his gaze trailed down from the subtle, new hint of vulnerability in her face to the curve of her hips, taking in this slender, strong body he'd come to know so well. It was impossible to tell by looking at her what it was she hid from the world. For now. Something inside him throbbed hungrily when he wondered how the familiar shape of her would change with the burden he had put into her.

"What, are you looking for those cankles?" she accused almost playfully, raising a brow.

He smirked. "Maybe. What's your secret? Something's different about you, Johnson. Can't put my finger on it."

She grinned. "I'll never tell."

"Says Demeter tending her garden, waiting for her acolyte to worship her."

"I didn't — that's not what this is! I'm not asking you—"

Ben chuckled, soft and low the way he knew she liked. His hand found the small of her back as the other took her bag from her. "Are you trying to tell me you didn't come over here to be admired and worshipped?"

God he loved that blush. "Um...maybe."

"Good. Because I was there this morning. I saw what you are. And that's exactly what's going to happen."

She peeked around before giving him a nervous little smile. "Maybe we should get inside before you start that."

"And find some food," he agreed.

Ben lived in an upscale little condo community, much nicer than Rey's apartment building. The demographics were, perhaps, a little old for him. Most of his neighbors were middle-aged professionals with no children or adult children, a few older couples and no tolerance for noisy disruptions to everyone's peace. That meant there was nobody his own age to befriend here. And that was just fine. Ben preferred this. It was quiet and safe. Rey liked it too, he knew from previous visits.

"My mom tried to set me up with someone today," he said conversationally as they walked to his door and he unlocked it. Part of it was idle chit-chat. The other part, something deeper and darker inside him, wanted to see her reaction.

Her mouth, that irresistible mouth, tightened but did not frown. Her face was carefully impassive. "Oh?" she said a little too casually. "What happened?"

"I talked to her. She seemed nice, I guess. But I'm not jumping into any new relationships right now. Kind of hard to get something started when you feel morally obligated to disclose the existence of your baby mama."

Rey laughed. It was a loud, surprised thing. Ben reveled in it. They went inside where Ben carried her bag directly to the kitchen and began to unload the precious few foods she'd brought with her. He really should stock up himself too. Then he could accommodate these sleepovers whenever she needed them.

"I suppose that's true," she conceded, following him, and he saw a rosy tinge in her cheeks again. "I'm sorry to have derailed your mom's plans for you."

"Oh, are we going to fight about who's fault it is again?"

She hummed. "I could probably be convinced to drop the argument entirely..."

The suggestion in her voice made him look up from the bag of spinach he'd just pulled out. She watched him with a sly, heated look he hadn't expected to find until later. It surprised him so much he almost dropped the spinach. "You don't want to eat first?"

The mere suggestion that he might get to lay her bare in just a minute already had him half-hard, his cock begging him not to postpone her obviously eager mood for something as trivial as _food_. But it wasn't trivial for her. And that was the whole point. So he had to bring it up, because...because he was trying to be good...

"No." She pulled her bottom lip between her teeth, giving him a bashful but not very innocent sort of smile. "I was too embarrassed to ask it before, so I said the thing about the sleepover, but what I really want...I've been thinking about it all day..."

Ben wasted no time dropping the spinach, striding directly to her and hauling her up and over his shoulder. She laughed, but didn't protest, her hands sliding into his back pockets to squeeze at him instead. He marched upstairs with full purpose.

This wasn't exactly how he thought the evening would go, he suspected she wanted it but didn't think that would come until after they were already in bed, but he'd be an idiot to put her off just so he could romance her back into the mood later. Rey knew what she wanted. And it was his job to provide.

He flopped her down onto his bed. The second she hit the mattress, she started pawing at him, trying to get his shirt off, his pants off, whichever came first.

"Whoa," he huffed, "Slow down, sweetheart, there's no rush."

"Don't call me that," she growled as she pulled his belt off in one long zip of leather.

Ben had never gotten so hard so fast. He stared at her lips, the way her tongue flicked over them to wet them, quivering with her impatient breaths as she struggled with his fly. He _so badly_ wanted to kiss her, but that was off limits. A much worse infraction than his use of a too-intimate pet name.

"Please, Ben," she prompted.

"So needy," he chuckled, finally letting his fingers find her skin, sliding her shirt up and over her head, flicking open her jeans and sliding one hand down under the elastic of her underwear. He gave her a soft swipe where she seemed to need it most.

She exhaled a soft little cry of relief, her own attention to his clothes momentarily forgotten. Ben was amused, and so painfully turned on. He supported himself on one arm while he gently circled her clit in the tight confines of her pants. He'd take care of those in a moment.

"What's gotten you all worked up?" he rumbled as he bent to kiss her jaw instead of where he wanted.

"You," she confessed, her hands back in motion, scrabbling at the hem of her jeans. Ben didn't give her any reprieve as she lifted her hips and slid them off. Now only her underwear remained, a lot less restrictive. He eased one of his fingers into her scorching hot sex, his thumb still applying gentle touches to the hood of her clit.

"What did I do?" he urged. This was important information to know, so he could manage a repeat performance.

"You're—" she broke off, shuddering through a small orgasm. It wasn't what she really wanted, and Ben knew it, but it gave him a moment to pull his hand away and make quick work of the rest of his clothes, and her underwear. Now they could properly begin. He shifted her to the middle of his california king bed, settling in a little to the side of her so he could dip a hand back between her legs, spreading her wetness up to her clit, rolling it beneath one careful finger.

Yeah, this definitely wasn't going to be one of their slow marathons. The sounds she was making, the way her fingers dug into his hair, this girl was full-out sprinting towards what she wanted. Ben would have to keep up. Fortunately, he knew exactly how to do that. He sunk two fingers into her, allowing his touch to become more aggressive as she whimpered her encouragement.

"You're good at this," she muttered, still trying to formulate the reply to the question he'd already forgotten asking.

"I know," he laughed.

"No, you arrogant ass," she laughed, even as he coaxed a surprised moan to interrupt it by hooking his fingers into her and tilting his palm up. "I meant this morning. All of it."

"Oh." Even with his mental storage thrown into disarray, Ben tended to focus on one thing at a time, and he struggled to even remember this morning. Was it the part where he got her a smoothie? Or the balloon glove thing? Or maybe when he'd teased her about the size of that ultrasound wand.

She gasped, arching her back as he worked her slowly with now a third, getting her ready, almost ready, his breath hot against her collar as he watched how she bucked beneath him. God, she was _really_ worked up.

"How are you — ah," a wild breath tore through the middle of her sentence. "How are you handling this so well?"

 _Not telling_ , thought Ben.

What he said instead was, "Would you like me to freak out instead?"

"No," she shuddered, her fingernails digging into his shoulders. "You're perfect. It's perfect. Don't — don't do anything different."

Ben was only too happy to indulge her. He would have anyway, even if this were not his reward.

"Shit, you're so wet," he murmured in awe, the sounds coming from his ministrations loud and lewd. She was way wetter than normal. His cock was rock-hard against her thigh, his own aching arousal beading there in a dewy drop of lust. A low growl found its way out of him as he felt her clench and spasm against his fingers, a ragged cry torn loose from her lips. Instead of catching it like he wanted to, he locked his lips around her collar and sucked a fierce purple bruise into her skin there.

God, he loved the way she sounded when she came.

Ben loved a lot of things.

"More," she pleaded. "Ben. All of it."

He pulled his drenched hand away from her heat, guiding her knees apart and shifting himself so he knelt between them. He lifted her hips onto him, angling them just the way he wanted. He slicked himself through her wetness a few times, teasing her by grinding into her clit. She moaned pitifully, and arched into him.

He sunk in a little, just to the flared edge of his head, and there paused.

"Should I use protection?" he joked huskily. "Wouldn't want to accidentally knock you up."

Her fingers were already twisting into the sheets by her hair. She bucked against him, impaling herself a good inch before she stopped and panted, "Very funny."

Ben chuckled and then pressed forward, guiding himself slowly into her, working her body open gently. Her wet depths gripped him like a vice and drew a soft, agonized groan from between his clenched teeth. She threw her head back, eyes rolling, a soft sound caught somewhere in the back of her throat. It always took a bit of effort on the first pass, but he finally got himself fully seated.

And then Ben paused and looked at the place where they were joined. At himself, buried so deep inside her, spreading her pretty petals wide on his girth. His gaze traveled up a few inches from there, to the smooth plane of her lower abdomen. Almost hypnotically, he slid a hand over the place. The cradle of life he had breached the last time they did this. He had wanted to touch her here since she told him, but he hadn't dared. Now he had full access to her body. He felt the warmth of her skin. Remembered the sound rushing around that little room.

"You really want this," she said in soft wonder, watching him look at the place his hand covered.

"I do," he whispered, meeting her bright hazel eyes.

"Why?"

But Ben only hummed and leaned over her, tilting her pelvis up, his hands bracing his weight on either side of her as he leaned down to capture one of her pert pink nipples in his hungry mouth. He ground into her before rocking back out, setting a pace that was good for both of them. She forgot her question in a wave of bliss. He didn't.

 _Not telling_ , he thought again.

* * *

Rey slept deeply.

She was curled on her side, facing away from him, only her naked ass against him maintaining contact with him. She wasn't much of a cuddler after the fact, Ben knew and normally lamented. She thought it too intimate, when what they were was casual. He thought that if she stayed until he got soft, if she snuggled in against him and let him hold her until she fell asleep, it might be really nice. But she didn't. And right it worked to his advantage.

Because Ben wasn't sleepy. Spent and relaxed, yes. But his mind was alert. He had his phone out, silently checking his mobile banking app. He scrolled through his business and personal accounts to a special savings account he had set aside. The balance was high. Very, very high. He transferred another couple thousand in and then closed the app and opened his browser, navigating to Zillow. He punched in a good area code and began to browse.

As nice as his condo was, it didn't feel like the right place for them. The three of them. He had time. He would figure it out.

Because Ben Solo had a secret too. It lived in that box in his heart, and he wasn't allowed to look at it. Except right now, because Rey had asked him why he wanted this, and he knew exactly why. So he let her slumber peacefully beside him, indulging in the feel of her tucked snug into his bed, two hearts a hairs' breath away from his own, awash in certainty once more. Because his secret was this:

Since the first day he had known her, Ben had been hopelessly in love with his best friend.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Coming up: A Party. Beans are spilled.


	6. Changing Tides

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It's just hormones...

* * *

"This one looks close," said Rey, sliding her fingers down the silky length of a tie.

Rose turned from the one she was looking at and considered it. She held up the swath of color from her Maid of Honor dress. The sample fabric was a bit more sun-bright, the tie a bit too golden.

"Hm," she said with dissatisfaction.

Rey had never realized how very many shades of yellow there could be. The two of them stood before a huge wall of yellow ties, ranging from something that reminded her of dark, sickly bile at the bottom all the way to the palest, creamiest suggestion of color at the top. They bled to orange on one side, and green on the other. The whole store was covered in ties, wall to wall, arrayed in full spectrum. It was like being inside a rainbow, or the color picker on Photoshop. At first she thought it was magical, but after ten minutes of staring at one shade of yellow after another, other colors swimming in her peripherals, Rey was starting to feel a little dizzy.

Rose held up her swath to another tie. "I wish Paige would have just let him be a groomsman," she grumbled. "Then I could have ordered him one of the papaya colored ties the rest of them are going to wear."

"Isn't it the grooms choice, though?" Rey mused. "Isn't that the whole point of a _groom's_ man?"

"Finch has known Armie for as long as he's known me! We've been dating longer than they have. As far as he's concerned, Armie is as much family as I am. He should have asked him."

"You sound bitter."

"I'm not bitter, I just don't like that my boyfriend got snubbed," Rose sniffed.

"Yeah, definitely bitter." Rey skated her hand through a whole row of ties, watching them sway. "Maybe if he were more than just your boyfriend, Finch would have _actually_ seen him as family. You've been dating for ages. Literally years. When are you going to do something about it?"

Rose laughed incredulously. "Look at the pot calling the kettle black."

"And how am I the pot in this scenario?"

Rose reached out to barely nudge aside the collar of Rey's fitted tee, exposing the skin over her clavicle. "This hickey right here, that's what I mean."

Rey blushed and knocked her hand away, shifting her shirt back into place, covering the fading mark that really, all things considered, looked a whole lot better than it did a few days ago. "That is not the same situation at all."

Rose smirked. "When are you going to stop being so delusional?"

"I believe we were talking about you and Hux." Rey snatched the fabric out of Rose's hand and started comparing tie colors more quickly now. This process was taking way too long, and fatigue was starting to set in. "Is he ever going to marry you?"

"We've talked about it," Rose said, shrugging. "But we're comfortable. I don't feel like we need a piece of paper to define our love."

Rey rolled her eyes at that one. "You're just gonna wait until all the attention is off Paige again before you make your move."

"Maybe." Rose poked her in the ribs, right in a ticklish spot that made Rey spasm. "You're avoiding my question."

Rey poked her right back. "You're avoiding mine!"

"Fine, we won't talk about boys," Rose laughed. "And I definitely won't mention that I know it wasn't Thomas who gave you that hickey, because he told us you haven't answered his calls since your date."

"Okay then. Don't mention it."

"And then I won't infer the obvious, which is that if it wasn't Thomas, it means it was your favorite fuckfriend. But really that's not fair because you know how much I love that particular topic."

"Rose," said Rey.

"So you know what? I changed my mind. We _are_ going to talk about it, because you're so cagey all the time and I need answers, woman."

"Rose," Rey tried again.

But again, her friend bowled right over her. "Because if there's anyone who has an older relationship than Armie and me, it's you and Ben. So I'm just gonna cut the pretenses and ask you straight up, when are you going to admit your feelings for him?"

Rey yanked the tie off the wall and held it up in front of Rose's face. "Rose! I found it!"

Rose blinked, focus shifting to the object before her. Rey held up the sample fabric against it, and it disappeared completely into the brilliant yellow of the tie. An exact, perfect match.

"Thank God," Rose breathed, taking both from her and heading straight for the register. "We can finally get out of here."

And maybe drop the subject too, Rey thought but did not add. She elected _not_ to follow Rose to the register, waiting for her by the door of the rainbow tie shop instead. There were canisters of shoe polish by the register. Rey had scented them earlier when she walked past, and she wasn't about to go stand there next to that awful petrol-like stink that made her toes curl inside her Chucks.

Rose paid for the tie and met her at the door. They walked out together into the bright spring sunshine flooding the outdoor mall. "Where to next?" she asked happily. "We've still got a few hours to kill before Poe's party tonight. We could go get our nails done, maybe?"

The very suggestion made Rey's nose burn with the scent of acetone, and as far as she knew they weren't anywhere near a salon. She shook her head. "Actually, I'm good on that front."

"Afraid the techs will judge you for biting your nails?" Rose laughed.

Rey was definitely guilty of that. Especially when she was stressed. The hours between finding out she was pregnant and telling Ben had provoked the abrupt end of a two-month streak. She shook her head. "They would, but I'd rather go to Sprouts. I saw they are having a sale on strawberries. I've been needing to make more jam, so it's good timing. Come with me."

Rose perked up at that. "If I help you, can I have a jar?"

"You can have a jar anyway," Rey said, grinning. They headed to Rey's car. "I was planning on making some for everyone."

"Ugh, why are you the best?" Rose complained.

Thankfully she didn't bring up the Ben thing again for a while. Rey needed a moratorium on discussing that subject for the foreseeable future, because she really couldn't think about Ben right now. Everything was changing, and it was changing fast. She could feel the tides turning inside her, going out, exposing wide swaths of emotional seabed which she once thought safely buried. It didn't help that he was being so damn _sweet_. About everything. All the time. Even in the last few days since she'd stayed at his house, days where she'd try to stay away and give him space, he kept checking in, being great, making her thankful again and again that she got into this situation with him instead of anyone else. It was getting harder to tell herself that he was just her friend. Everything inside her was begging for her to run directly into the shelter of his seemingly limitless compassion.

It was just hormones, she kept telling herself. Really, really out of control hormones.

At Sprouts, Rey had to snatch at relief in a piece of peppermint gum. The grocery store overwhelmed her. It was a veritable olfactory parade, with whiffs of meat mingling with earthy vegetables, fresh and stale bread competing with fruit, people washed and unwashed with their various perfumes and lotions and body odors, and somewhere a section of the store that _definitely_ sold essential oils. Her throat felt thick and gaggy and she focused on her gum, trying to decide if Rose would look at her like a lunatic if she grabbed a lemon to scratch and sniff while they walked around.

Yeah, she definitely would. No lemon.

It might have helped, though, because every day Rey was turning more and more into an actual bloodhound. Her sense of smell had skyrocketed to new heights. Each day further along it got stronger and stronger, and more directly tethered to her precariously pacified stomach.

Super smell. The world's most regrettable superpower.

Her skin crawled at the waft of someone's sweaty scalp, and knew it had been a while since they washed their hair. Someone else smelled like freshly sharpened pencils and rubber erasers. If she turned her head just right, she could still catch the faintest trace of Ben's apartment still clinging to her shirt, which she'd left in her bag since she'd spent the night at his house days ago. That was comforting, at least.

Every goddamn thing in the whole world had a scent now. Most were deeply unpleasant. And most made her head spin and her guts turn over unhappily. She could smell Rose too, a little bit of her oil paints and a little bit of that orange-scented lotion she liked. It wasn't an unpleasant combo, thankfully. And at least she had clean hair.

The strawberries, though, smelled _wonderful_. Rey grabbed a two-pound box and flicked it open, burying her nose into the fresh, cool aroma of them, a little sweet, and a little like dirt. Nothing unpleasant here.

Rose gave her a funny look.

Rey laughed. "What? You don't die for the smell of strawberries?"

"So we should probably talk about your love affair with food," said Rose.

Rey loaded up their little hand basket with as many as she could fit, and then carried another three boxes in her hands. "You're just jealous that you could never have what food and I have."

Rose giggled and hefted the newly laden basket.

Rey grabbed a few small boxes of fruit pectin as well and then made her way to checkout, with Rose trailing behind.

"These weird pioneer skills you have," Rose remarked as they finally escaped the odiferous store and got back to Rey's car. "The jam making and the fruit canning and the bread baking and pasta cutting and the butter churning— they're ridiculously domestic. You're like somebody's grandma who grew up in the fifties and was taught that homemaking would be her chief calling in life."

"I do _not_ churn butter," Rey protested.

It was easier that than explain the reasons why she had acquired all these _domestic_ skills. That she needed to feel in control and prepared. Her story of abandonment and abuse would definitely make Rose uncomfortable. Rey could deal with a little affectionate teasing. She couldn't deal with any of her friends pitying her.

"You make your own yogurt. _And_ homemade vanilla," Rose observed, as if it were somehow just as ridiculous as churning butter.

"You love my vanilla."

"I do. I love everything you make. I'm not saying it's a bad thing, only that you're an adorably weird little granny."

They loaded the fruit into her backseat and started toward Rey's apartment. "I just like learning how to do things for myself."

"I think you missed your calling in life, not becoming a chef or something."

Rey almost refuted this speculation by pointing to Ben as the far, _far_ superior cook, but she stopped herself. Because she was thinking about Ben an awful lot lately, and because opening that door would give Rose permission to start poking again. Instead, she just shrugged and said, "I think that's a different set of skills."

"Homesteading versus culinary craft. Hmm...maybe you're right." Rose thought about and then concluded, "You just like making things that are from the heart, I guess."

Rey let herself laugh a little at that, even though it tugged her mind back to the other thing she was making. The one Rose had no idea about. The one that was a whole lot more meaningful than yogurt, or jam, or bread.

She was tempted to tell her friend about it now. It welled up in her, words crowding to get past her teeth, but she bit them back. This, right now, before the party, was _not_ the time to get into it. Rose had no chill. She wouldn't be able to keep this kind of information to herself tonight. She'd tell Hux for sure, and maybe Paige and Finn and Poe.

"Thomas isn't coming tonight, by the way," Rose said after a minute.

Rey blinked, snapping back into herself. "Oh. Why not?"

"I told Armie not to invite him. When he said you weren't answering his calls, I figured your date didn't go that well after all and you really weren't into it. No use keeping him around if it isn't going anywhere. And I thought it would be easier on you."

"Thanks," Rey said. Maybe she didn't have to tell Thomas at all. He'd just fade out of her life. A brief blip. She might have liked to know him better, but Ben was right, her situation had become awkward.

Rose used this opening to weasel her way back into the thing she really wanted to know. "So what was it? Why didn't you two get along?"

"We did fine. I liked him. It's not that." Rey sighed. "I'm just not looking to get into anything right now."

"What?" Rose said, aghast. "Why not? What happened to make you swear off men? Who hurt you?"

"Nobody! I'm not swearing off men. It's just not a good time."

"What does that even mean? That's what people say when they can't hang out because they're too busy with work. But I know you, and I know your work. What could you possibly have going on?"

A flash of irritation buzzed through Rey's veins and she struggled to tamp it down. "I'm just taking myself out of the dating scene for a while, okay? I need a break. I just…I've got… stuff. To figure out."

"Stuff about _Ben_?" Rose crooned, grinning suggestively, pointing to the hickey again.

Rey scowled. "Stop."

"Come on, please," Rose shifted in her seat, throwing her an urgent, eager glance. Rey might have super scent now, but Rose had another sense entirely, a sense for when there was some tiny shift in the dynamic between Rey and Ben. She'd caught it now, and wanted to unriddle it. Rey could see the hunger for it in her face. "Please, Rey, you can tell me. If you have feelings for him — and I know you do, I _know you do_ — you can tell me! I won't say anything to him!"

"I don't."

"That can't be true. How can you fuck a gorgeous guy who is obviously crazy about you for _years_ and never develop any feelings?"

"I don't know what to tell you. It's true."

"You're such a liar—"

"Rose!" Rey snapped, heat in her cheeks, heat in her gut. "Drop it. Please."

"Okay, fine, jeez," Rose mumbled. "No need to get cranky."

Rey puffed her cheeks and released a slow, deliberate breath, trying really hard not to be unnecessarily annoyed. Her voice dropped to a soft plea. "Just…be my friend. Don't keep trying to be my matchmaker."

"Alright, alright." Rose sighed, surrendering. "I'm done, I promise. Just homemade jam from here on out."

"You can keep venting to me about Paige's wedding," Rey offered. "That's fun."

"Oh my god, did I _tell you_ about her flowers?" Rose cried in outrage.

That was better. Much better. Because Rey wasn't the type of person who liked to lay herself bare for just anyone. Not even Rose, who was the closest thing to a sister she would ever have. Ben was the only one she'd even been able to really confide in, the only one allowed to strip her down to the most personal, most humiliating or sad or difficult. What Rose wanted to know now was something Rey hadn't even acknowledged to herself, let alone Ben or anyone else. This wasn't something she could share.

She couldn't really talk to him about the things she'd felt in the doctor's office, when he knew more about the little embryo's growth than she did, because he cared so much he wanted to seek out the information, or what powerful emotion had moved through her heart when he put his hand over the place with all the reverence of a supplicant kneeling at the altar.

No, she couldn't tell him about those things at all.

Because it was hormones. _Just_ hormones…right?

* * *

Poe's backyard was the central hub for most of the parties, so long as the weather allowed.

He was the only one of the group who owned a single family home (a spoiled child of wealth, groomed for a high profile, high powered career) and he also happened to be the one who loved entertaining the most, so it worked out well. This was the central gathering place for game nights, celebration dinners, murder mystery parties, or summer barbecues.

Poe could think of any excuse at all to host a crowd.

Rey arrived a little early, thinking maybe she could help him set up. Turned out she wasn't early at all. Almost everyone else was there already.

Paige Tico and her fiancé Finch Dallow, of course, and Rose, and Armitage Hux. Hux's sister Gwen was there too, helping Finn bring out bottles of beers to fill the coolers Poe had provided.

Finn spotted her and waved her over with a huge grin. "You made it!"

She joined them, giving Gwen a quick smile of greeting. "I thought I'd come early to help out..."

"I guess everyone had the same idea," Finn laughed. Rey caught a whiff of his cologne, and wrinkled her nose involuntarily. It was abrasive.

Poe dumped a bunch of ice in the coolers, giving him a wink before trotting off to start firing up the grills.

Finn was Poe's latest fling. Perhaps fling was too casual for Poe — he didn't have _flings_. He had epic loves. Poe was extraordinarily comfortable with his own very fluid sexuality, fully embracing any faint flicker of attraction as sign of deep and ardent love. He'd had partners of all persuasions, and thoroughly adored each and every one. He was the world's biggest, dumbest romantic. Finn, on the other hand, had only recently embraced his own true orientation and was very reluctantly letting Poe woo him, despite how obvious it was that Finn wanted it.

Finn was also Rey's first friend after she got to the States. If Rose was her adopted sister, Finn was her adopted brother. She _had_ tried to date him once, long ago during their freshman year. She very quickly realized that he wasn't as into girls as he tried to pretend to be. She spared his dignity by letting him down gently, helping him ease back into the friendzone where he clearly belonged. He was relieved. They'd been close ever since. And she enthusiastically supported this relationship now, knowing Poe would once again commit his whole soul to Finn, as he always did with his lovers.

And speaking of Poe's lovers — shortly after Rey arrived, Jessika and Tally showed up, two of his former paramours. They arrived with Jannah, who was one of the few of the group who had never dated Poe at all. It wasn't awkward, though, to have everyone together like this. Nobody ended things on a bad note with Poe. In fact, Rey was never really sure why they ended at all, since everyone seemed to emerge from the relationship with excellent feelings intact.

Gwen nudged Rey and thrust her chin at another woman coming out of the house carrying a baking sheet stacked with ribs. Rey didn't recognize her.

"That's Zorri," Gwen said, as if she'd anticipated this confusion. "Another one."

Rey laughed.

"Apparently she's good friends with Paige though, too. One of her best friends."

"She's pretty," Rey decided, watching the other woman cut Poe a daring look when he said something to her that Rey couldn't hear.

"I think so too," said Gwen with a meaningful little smile.

Rey wondered vaguely if there would ever be a day when this happy assembly of friends wasn't primarily concerned with who was hooking up with who, and which crushes were slowly developing. She could see Gwen's interest, and she knew that if Zorri decided to reciprocate, the two of them would quickly become the main focus of the group gossip. Paige was escaping it. Everyone thought married folks were too boring to gossip about. The odds of break-ups and new flings were severely diminished.

Rey had the biggest, juiciest piece of gossip any of them had ever, ever had. But she would avoid letting them have it for as long as she could.

The party got into full swing a short while later. Rey had to keep finding excuses when various friends kept offering her a drink. She watched for Ben to arrive, telling herself that wasn't what she was doing, and tried to distract herself in the various pockets of conversation. Earlier in the day when she was with Rose, he'd texted to find out if she wanted to ride together to the party. She said no.

Not because she didn't want to see him — it honestly scared her how badly she wanted to — but because she was still trying to keep her distance after their hot and heavy sleepover. It hadn't ended with that one rushed encounter. After she'd slept for a while, they woke up and got dinner, and halfway through a movie went for round two. That time lasted much longer. The feelings were so raw and real the next morning, though, that she'd felt a fierce need to escape and give herself some breathing room. She needed distance to think. And she needed to give Ben space so he didn't think she was trying to threaten their status quo.

Because aside from Rey's recent struggle with feelings she shouldn't be having, the only thing that had changed between them was the small thing currently lurking in her womb. That, and only that.

Right?

"You are mega distracted tonight," Finn observed, nudging her. He handed her a cold beer. "What's going on?"

Rey looked at the bottle in her hand. "Nothing specific," she lied. "I'm fine."

She set it down on the table behind her. Poe had set up some tall heat lamps to stave off the impending chill of sundown in the springtime. Right now, though, it was still light out, still warm, and the heat lamp was making her feel altogether too hot. Her stomach soured at the scent of the beer.

Finn gave her a quizzical look. Maybe she'd made a face or something to tip him off to her discomfort, because he asked, "Are you sure? What's wrong?"

That cologne of his wasn't helping. It was so acrid. So aggressive. Her nose tingled and burned with the strength of it, and her general unwellness decided the scent did not pair well with the beer or the lighter fluid Poe's briquets had been doused in earlier.

"Nothing is wrong," Rey said, trying to shake it off. "I guess I'm just feeling a little spacey tonight. It's probably PMS or something. Tell me about you and Poe, though. Have you guys graduated from making out yet?"

Finn ducked his head, darting a furtive look around, as if everyone here didn't already know and support his interest in Poe. "No. I have some...some hangups. I've tried googling them, but..."

Rey grinned and shook Finn's shoulder. "You know he's experienced in, like, _everything_ , right? I'm sure you could ask him."

"I don't want him to think I'm a loser."

"Poe isn't going to think that," she with absolute certainty. "I don't think he's got a judgmental bone in his whole oversexed body."

Rose sauntered over to them, a cup of Poe's speciality punch in her own hand. It wasn't sour like the beer, but the alcohol in it still smelled vaguely rotten, and Rey had to swallow back another wave of unpleasantness.

"Soooo," said Rose, way too casually. She darted a look at Rey. "I swear I'm not meddling. I'm being good about my earlier promise. It's just that I've never seen Ben stare at you like this, and it's kind of freaking me out. What's his deal?"

Rey's head snapped up and around, looking for him. She hadn't known he'd arrived, and for no reason at all this knowledge made her heart skip an eager beat. She found him standing by Poe at the grill. His eyes met hers across patio. A thrill leapt right through the center of her. Rose was right, there was a whole different kind of intensity in that look. Of course Rose had never seen it, but Rey had. It was the heat and possessiveness and adoration he always wore when they were naked. When he was inside her, chasing every inch.

He'd never looked at her like that around other people though. Her body didn't distinguish a difference, though, and responded with the glowing molten heat in her core that this look always provoked in her. She shivered in pleasure.

Poe was trying to talk to him. He didn't seem to be listening.

"Why is that dude dialed up to like, eleven, all the time?" Finn wondered in vague disgust.

"I feel like he wants to whisk you off to his lair and drink your blood," Rose mused.

There was a thump off to the right, and Rey's attention tore unwillingly away from Ben to an object rolling neatly to her feet. A soccer ball, she realized with delight. It was Poe's. The signature pattern of the last World Cup design swirled across the white polyurethane cover. Rey picked it up and looked around.

Jannah waved at her apologetically from the grassy expanse just beyond the patio where she'd been kicking it back and forth with Tally. "Sorry, Rey!"

Rey grinned. "Is this an invitation?"

"If you want, yeah!"

"Hux," Rey called over her shoulder suddenly, startling Rose and Finn both.

The ginger was at the drink table talking to Paige and Finch when he heard his name and looked up. Rey showed him the ball in her hands. His eyes flashed eagerly and without even excusing himself he dashed away from his companions to join her.

"Pickup game," she said, grinning. "You're on my team."

"Always," Hux said with relish. They walked over to Jannah and Tally, who accepted the challenge with eager anticipation.

Rey's stomach rolled in protest to this proposition, but she ignored it. Because if there was one thing Rey loved as much as food (okay, _almost_ as much as food) it was football.

That's right. Not soccer. Proper, internationally beloved _football._

"Let's show these yanks how the world was colonized," Hux said happily.

Tally and Jannah smirked at each other. "Not sure he wants to make those kinds of jokes to the rebel child that got away."

Rey laughed. They squared off around the ball. She didn't know if this was advisable or not, but she had deliberately chosen not to care. It would be fine. She wanted to _play_. Before they could start, however, a huge shadow stepped up next to Tally and Jannah.

"Not that I think you can't handle yourselves," Ben said smoothly to the two women, "but I'm not sure you've seen those two play before."

Hux and Rey glanced at one another with feral grins. They _had_ played before. A couple years ago, Poe decided to resurrect his high school soccer glory days by recruiting some of his friends to play with him. The said it could be a new group fitness goal or some other such nonsense. What he didn't anticipate, poor old Poe, was that he'd opened the door for two enthusiastic Brits to finally stretch their legs. It hadn't ever come up in conversation before, but when they started to play, Rey had delightedly discovered a brilliant player in Hux, as good as herself, even. Rather than face off, they teamed up and effectively wiped the field with whoever was fool enough to come up against them.

It had been a while since the last time. So long, Tally and Jannah hadn't been part of the group to see them in action. Ben wasn't wrong to come to their aid. He at least had a size advantage, even if he was culturally handicapped against being _truly_ excellent at the sport.

In the back of her throat, Rey tasted bile. She refused to acknowledge it.

"I don't think that's quite fair, Solo," said Gwen, joining Rey and Hux. "You've just made the teams uneven. Now I'm obligated to keep Armitage and Rey from getting sat on on by you giant ass."

Oh yes. _Now_ it was a game. Gwen wasn't as quick on her feet as her bother, but she was as tall as Ben and almost as broad. She'd be able to block him when it counted.

"Hey, wait a minute," Poe called way over at the grill. "How come I got stuck at this job?"

Finch went over to help him while Rose, Finn, Paige, Tally, and Zorri all pulled up chairs to watch.

Someone counted down a kickoff. Rey didn't notice who. She was staring Ben down with a cocky little grin, and he was staring right back, his hungry bedroom eyes a little more fiery and a little more daring than before.

As soon as someone gave the word, Rey was off, getting first touch, passing the ball to Hux, ducking under Ben and racing up past Tally to redirect Hux's pass. Gwen triangulated and Rey set her up with the assist, allowing Hux to get into position for the goal established between two lawn chairs.

They were one point up not even a full minute into the game.

Truthfully, Rey was _great_ at football. In another life, with better resources, she might have liked to play on a real team. Maybe even go pro. But that wasn't the direction her life had gone, and in the end she was left with only this outsized talent for a game she rarely got to play. And maybe if she'd grown up with better resources, she wouldn't have gotten as good as she was. Back in her foster home, it was the only form of fun she and the other kids ever had. The only time they weren't trying to steal the tiny scraps of food they earned from one another. The only time she wasn't afraid of them. When their foster parents left them alone, they'd sneak out to the field behind their house and kick around this weathered, chewed up old ball they found in a spidery closet.

Rey was smaller than most of the other kids, and easily bullied in any other circumstance. But in this situation it became her advantage. When she finally started to grow, her height didn't get in the way of the speed and maneuverability she'd already learned. She was lightning on the pitch. It was the one place she felt powerful and unstoppable.

She needed powerful right now.

Her heart pumped joyfully in her chest as she snagged the ball from Tally and danced her way around Jannah. Ben loomed before her, a mountain on two legs, and reached out with one deft swipe to steal control for one brief moment. She scrabbled around him, his arm held out against her chest to keep her back as he maneuvered into a pass. But Rey anticipated him and darted to intercept, one touch and then away, off to Hux who took it in for the kill.

Rey hissed in satisfaction, watching the ball glide right through the two lawn chairs. The group of onlookers whooped and cheered.

She moved to get ready for the next run when her foot caught on Ben's, still hovering near, and she pitched forward. He caught her deftly, steadied her, and leaned in to murmur seductively in her ear, "No, no. No falling allowed, Mama Messi."

And then he was gone, a surprising show of clever footwork and an assist to Tally giving them their one and only goal for the evening.

After that, Rey began to wonder if his primary goal for playing wasn't to make sure she didn't hit the ground ever, because any time she tripped or tried for a dive, somehow he was always close enough to snatch her back. Gwen tried to cover him, but she couldn't anticipate Ben well when the ball seemed to be his secondary goal. Rey wanted to be annoyed, but they were so far ahead in points she really had nothing to complain about.

She didn't want to stop. She hadn't played in ages and it felt _so good_. But eventually the choice to continue waned from her power, because soon her head was spinning, her stomach roiling furiously, and Ben's teammates had flopped down into the cold grass panting and waving the white flag.

Hux came over, sweaty and alive with the flush of modern battle. He gave her a high-five. "Another devastating victory for the Imperials," he panted smugly.

Rey mustered a grin, leaning on her thighs, willing her heaving insides to calm down. Gwen patted them both and then staggered off in search of a chair and a drink.

Rose flitted up to Hux and gave him a cheerful kiss. "You looked so sexy, babe. I love watching you dominate."

Rey turned away quickly before she could hear Hux's reply which she knew instinctively would only make her nausea that much worse. Ben found her, a light touch to her wrist. She glanced up and he nodded in direction of the coolers.

"Water?"

She bobbed her head once, following him. She felt _so_ dizzy. Like nothing was quite real and she'd somehow left her body in the last few seconds of the game. Probably she should sit down. But water first. Her throat was parched, even though her salivary glands were responding to her queasiness, pooling under her tongue.

The cooler wasn't in a great spot, between the brick buffet and the grill. Right here the smell of charcoal and lighter fluid and grilling meat (like hot, burned blood) were a thick noxious cloud. Rey shook her head, trying to clear the reeling sensation, and backpedaled a little to try to escape it.

Zorri came up to the grill. Asked something of Poe. He replied and she went into the house. Ben asked Poe why the coolers only had beer. Poe laughed and wondered why they'd need anything else. Ben didn't like that. They argued for a minute. Rey couldn't focus. She felt really, really bad.

Ben turned back to her. "We can get some water inside."

"Um," she said weakly, her heart starting to pound for reasons that had nothing to do with running around with a ball. "H-hang on just a — a minute."

"Are you okay?" Ben asked, sudden concern in his face.

Vaguely Rey remembered the softness in his eyes in Holdo's exam room, and again later when he attended to her fiery needs. Why did he look at her like that? Like she was the sun and he a hungry sunflower. It made it so hard to keep a level head around him. Staying away these past few days had been so difficult. She cried for no reason at night, going to sleep in her own bed, alone and afraid because she was once again struck with the awful truth that she didn't know what the hell she was doing.

She didn't feel afraid when she was with him. That was a problem, because she wanted to be with him all the time now.

Her mind spun again, trying to hold onto this, hold on to the mounting concern in his face and the memories it provoked in her, trying to understand what she felt about all that behind the rising physical crisis in her body.

"Rey," said Poe, leaning over from the grill. "That was fun. You looked great out there."

He was wearing the same cologne as Finn. Maybe it was Poe's all along, and Finn had used it. Rey didn't know the origin, but she hated it as much on him as she had on Finn, only now it was worse because it mingled poorly with the smell of meat.

"Thanks," she managed to murmur, swallowing hard.

She wouldn't admit the game was a mistake. She wouldn't. It was _fun_. As much carefree fun as she'd had in a long time. If she could just sit down for a second, catch her breath, get her heart to stop hammering and her mouth to stop watering and all these fucking smells to just calm down for a second...

"Coming through," chirped Zorri, carrying another platter from the kitchen to the grill.

Ben shuffled aside to give her space to get by. Rey closed her eyes for a second, just a second, trying to center herself and find her bearing. But then Poe put the newest offering on the grill and a burst of hot, oily, scorching _fish_ hit her full force.

Suddenly Rey wasn't just shaky, and suddenly she wasn't just nauseated, but it was all coming to a horrible crescendo and rocketing up from her guts like a high school science fair volcano. A strong arm wrapped around her waist, wheeling her away even as his other caught hold of a remarkably strategic trash can and brought it right into her flailing arms.

She clutched it desperately and without any choice in the matter at all, experienced an awful revisit of the various snacks she'd nibbled on during the course of the afternoon. It was the first time she'd vomited in years. Suddenly she remembered why she hated it so much. Tears sprang to her eyes, the smells of the trash assaulted her with every desperate gasp, compounding her sickness again and again.

Ben held her up and helped her support the trash can. It was a lucky thing because all of her strength was being used up apparently trying to expel demons from her body. Vaguely she was aware of some shouts of alarm. Distant, or maybe near, she wasn't sure. Ben's voice thundered through his chest, against her back, as he issued some sort of command and someone else scurried to comply. She couldn't hear what because her head was halfway in the can and the sound of her own wretchedness echoed in her ears.

When she'd finally sent forth her very soul from out of the depths of her, she wiped her mouth with the back of her hand and sucked putrid air. Ben eased her down into a chair he'd bullied someone into fetching for her, and took the trash out of her hands, setting it on the ground at her feet.

Humiliated and dazed, Rey put her head in her hands and panted for breath.

Sounds came rushing in again, chaotic and demanding.

"Rey!" Finn was shouting, really way too close to be that loud.

"What happened?" Rose cried.

Everyone was talking at once. Rey wanted to dig a hole and bury herself deep where no one could see her.

"Leave her alone," Ben growled. She peeked over her shoulder at the broad expanse of his body above her as he tried to herd everyone back a few feet.

"What's wrong with her?" asked Paige.

"Is she sick? What did she touch?" Her fiancé, Finch, sounded nervous.

"She already had the virus, idiot," Rose muttered. "Stop freaking out, she'd not going to contaminate you."

"He's not an idiot," Paige fired back at her sister, clearly offended. "We just don't want to get sick a week before the wedding."

"I'm sure it's just food poisoning," said Hux. "Nothing contagious."

Rey did not want to cry. She did _not want to cry_. Her eyes burned, her throat burned, acid clung to her tongue, bitter and vile.

"Back. The fuck. Off," Ben snarled viciously now.

"What the hell, Solo?" This voice was Poe's, full of indignation. "No need to be rude, man."

Ben growled his disapproval again. "You lunatics are all acting like she just burst into flames. She's okay. Just give her a fucking second to breathe. Jeezus, you're all morons."

"Asshole," Finn grumbled. "Like we're not allowed to be concerned."

"Did she play too hard?" Jannah asked. "Because I think I did. I feel a little gross too."

"You guys just need to eat," sighed Poe. "I'm sorry it's taking too long."

"She didn't play too hard," Hux said. "We've done much more than that and nobody's ever tossed their lunch like that."

"That's what I'm saying." Finn sounded so annoyed.

"Come on, guys," Rose laughed. It ran through the grumbles and mutters like a welcome trill of music. "It's not like we haven't all seen each other get sloppy drunk and puke before."

"But she wasn't drunk!" Finn protested. "She didn't even touch the beer I gave her!"

Poe started to laugh too, though, and launched into one of his wild recountings of a time he got so hammered he stripped naked at one of his mother's fancy dinner parties.

Rey wiped tears away and closed her eyes until she felt a soft touch on her arm bringing her back. She thought it might be Ben, but when she opened her eyes again it was Gwen. Apparently she hadn't joined the others in the huddled mass where Ben had been doing crowd-control. She handed Rey a cold water bottle. Rey took it, swilled out her mouth and spat once more into the soiled trash can at her feet. Gwen nodded approvingly and then whisked it away.

The group was distracted swapping drunk stories now. Ben turned, his gaze following Gwen for a second before they flicked back to her. The anger in them cooled immediately and was replaced with concern. He squatted down next to her.

"I'm so sorry that happened," he murmured. "Do you want to go inside for a minute?"

Rey nodded.

Her skin felt feverish and chilled at the same time. She just wanted to get out of the spotlight before her friends remembered and got worried all over again.

Ben took her hands, helped her to her feet and took her inside Poe's house. She still felt shaky and weak, and was so grateful when she got to sink into one of Poe's enormous, plushy couches. She sagged into the pillows and exhaled slowly.

Ben was watching Gwen over in the kitchen, his body stiff and guarded.

Rey turned to see. The tall woman was just replacing the trash bag in the little can Rey had abused. When she saw Ben watching her, she gave him a nod. "It's taken care of."

"Thank you," Ben said.

"I'll give you two some privacy." She went back outside to join the others.

Finally Ben sat, choosing the L-potion of the couch so he could face her. He leaned his elbows on his knees and gave her a solemn, appraising look.

"Does she know?" Rey asked, motioning to the door Gwen had just gone through.

He shook his head.

Gwen was just extra perceptive and kind, then. Rey knew Hux a lot better than his sister, simply by virtue of being so close to Rose, but she'd always liked the big woman, from what she did know. Right now, she could almost say she loved her for being exactly the right kind of supportive after a humiliating moment.

"Are you alright?" Ben asked softly.

"Embarrassed," she admitted. "That was kind of sudden. It came out of nowhere."

"Did you push yourself too hard in the game?"

"I never have before...but maybe." She was nauseated going into it, so probably playing that hard didn't help. But Rey refused to think it had been a bad idea. It hadn't been.

"Do you feel better now?" he asked, looking down at her hands which where clasped tight together in her lap to stop them from shaking.

"A bit, yeah." Her emotions were so close to the surface, though. Maybe he could see that, because he didn't look at all convinced.

"Rey," he started, then stopped abruptly because just the sound of her name in his voice, said in that tender way he only ever used for _her_ , made the tears well up in earnest again and spill over. She turned her face away, ashamed.

With the lightest touch, so tentative, like he wasn't sure how she'd react, he took her chin and gently brought her back to face him. "Listen to me." His voice was soft, firm, and careful. "What happened was not your fault. It's normal for this first little bit. You don't need to be embarrassed."

"I wish it weren't," she whispered.

"It weren't what?"

"Normal. I don't like this part. I didn't ask for this. To have my…social life…my body…my fucking sense of _smell_ disrupted like this." Her lip quivered and her voice wavered and another tear slid down her cheek.

Ben's gaze dropped to her mouth, and he lifted his thumb from her chin, brushing it just gently across that lip, soothing the tremble. "I wish I could take it for you. Carry this burden you didn't plan on. I'm sorry."

"Can I stay with you again tonight?" she asked her voice soft and nervous even in the midst of her impulsive need. "I'm sorry, I know I shouldn't. I don't have any right to ask—"

He shook his head, and she thought he was telling her no, but then she saw that he was huffing an incredulous chuckle. "Rey, please. _Please_ don't apologize for ever wanting that. Of course you can. I want you to. Are you kidding? You have every right to ask me for anything. For everything. I will never deny you anything that is in my power to give you."

 _Hormones_ , Rey told herself, because the look in Ben's face was making her heart race all over again, and this time, not from nausea. Somewhere, maybe, a door opened. Maybe it was inside her. Maybe something small and scared and desperately hungry peeked its head out and wondered if he really meant that. If he really meant _everything_. Because she wanted…she wanted _everything_. But if he didn't, if this was just his instincts or the ridiculous euphoria of their choice, and there was even the smallest possibility that he might change his mind when he came down from this crazy high…

Ben shifted forward, closer to her, and his hand dropped to her lap. For a moment she thought he might reach for her abdomen again, and touch her like he had when she was pinned beneath him. But he took her hand instead, fingers sliding against hers soothingly. "Rey, please come home with me tonight, and every night that you need it."

Rey wanted to ask for every night. Period. No caveats. But she couldn't. She didn't trust herself. Or this. What would he think if she wanted to break their unspoken no-strings-attached agreement? Would he backpedal, say she'd just misunderstood his motives, he was just being this tender because she'd become his vessel and it was all meant for his baby?

 _No_ , a soft voice whispered in her. She couldn't believe that. Ben wasn't some strange who was being sweet out of the blue. He was Ben. The guy she'd gone on road trips with, the one who taught her to play D&D, who talked to her for hours sometimes about any minor thing running through his mind. She knew him. She knew right to the heart of him, and she knew he would never be that cruel to her.

Did she dare tell him? And if so, tell him what, exactly? That she didn't know precisely how to ask if she could...make a proper family of this weird situation? How did one bring something like that up?

Her silence went on and on, and Ben just watched her. He brushed a thumb across her skin again. She didn't have to know the answer right now. He'd said she could come home with him. She wanted to cuddle into his safe arms and not bother trying to figure any of this out tonight. No sex, because well, vomit, and also because she could no longer differentiate the feelings he aroused in her during sex and the feelings she had for him outside the bedroom.

"I...don't think I want — I mean... is it okay if we just cuddle until I fall asleep?"

Ben laughed, a soft, husky kind of chuckle. "Remember what the doctor said? You're already carrying my baby, you don't owe me _anything_ else."

And then — behind them — a gasp. And then a shriek. "Your WHAT?"

They leapt apart and whirled around to find Rose gaping at them.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Friends, FRIENDS! Don't hate me! I wasn't going to leave it on a cliffhanger but this chapter got waaaay too long so I split it. The second half is already written. I'll just edit and proof and then post it in a few hours, don't worry!
> 
> (I promise this is the closest to angst we will get! Fluffy love with a dash of suspense, that's all this is. It will be resolved expediently.)


	7. Never Have I Ever

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A lecture, a game, a cuddle.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Auuuughh I'm sorry I didn't get this up yesterday as promised! The freaking 'R' key fell off my keyboard! Too much typing? Anyway, it's incredibly difficult to edit a chapter with a main POV character named Rey without an 'R' key, so I spent last night getting it put back on. It's not great. When my fingers get sweaty it sticks to it and comes off again. Ohhhhh well. Anyway, love you guys and thanks for your patience!

* * *

Apparently it wasn't a metaphorical door that had opened at all, but a real one. The important one. Why hadn't either of them heard her come in?

These were the frantic thoughts that raced through Rey's mind in a panicked rush as she scrambled over the back of the couch and dashed to her friend.

"Rose! Rose—" she started.

But Rose was still far too shocked to be ready for an explanation. She latched onto Rey by the shoulders and held her at arm's length. "I must be hallucinating, because I did not hear what I think I just heard."

So much for trying to keep this under wraps. Two people could keep a secret, but three? And when the third was _Rose_? Rey loved her but she was genuinely terrible with keeping big news to herself. Paige and Finch tried to get her to keep their engagement a secret until Finch could get a proper ring and they could make a public announcement. She hadn't been able to stop herself from blabbing it to the whole friend group. This was a lot bigger news than that.

"I can explain," Rey told her anxiously.

"Well somebody fucking better!" Rose threw a wild look at Ben, who was now standing behind Rey, tense and ready for — what? "Did you say _baby_? You didn't, did you?"

"I did," Ben began, but before either of them could get another word out, Rose cut them both off with a sharp wave. She looked at Rey like she was nuts, then glanced behind her at the party still going on outside. In a flash she'd grabbed each of them by the hand and hauled them with astonishing strength to one of Poe's guest rooms where she shoved them inside the closed the door behind her.

"Okay," she said, turning around. "See, _this_ is the kind of privacy you two should be using if you're going to talk about — whatever the hell is happening here. Not out there where any concerned friend who just wanted to check on you could come in and see you halfway to making out on the couch and tossing around nonsense about...some kind of — secret love child..."

"We weren't halfway to—" Rey stopped herself. "Okay, look, calm down. Take a breath."

"I have like a _thousand_ thoughts going through my head right now," Rose said, shaking her head. Her arms dropped to her side and she inhaled a long draught of air. "But okay, I'm listening."

Rey glanced at Ben. He watched them warily, with the expression of someone who'd just knocked something expensive onto the floor and broken it. Technically it _was_ him who'd said that out loud. And Rose was right, it wasn't in a private space at all. Just because they thought they were alone in the house didn't mean it was private — anyone could have walked in. And did, obviously. But Rey wasn't mad at him. He didn't know. She didn't either. They'd both been sucked into their oblivious little world where they forgot anyone else existed.

"I guess we have to tell her," she sighed.

Ben nodded, his gaze flitting away in guilt. "I'm sorry."

"You _definitely_ have to tell me," Rose said, darting a look between them. Then in another fit of passion she suddenly grabbed Rey by the shoulders again and burst, "What the fuck is wrong with you?! This whole morning, you didn't say anything, and — and then you getting snippy with me and saying you didn't have feelings for him — and this _whole damn time_ you two have been together?"

"No!" Rey flushed hot. "No! We haven't! We're not—"

Rose deadpanned. "You're not."

Ben made a soft noise of amusement. Rey shot him a look, but his attention was still on the carpet. She rubbed her forehead, sitting on the edge of the bed and trying to figure out how she was going to convince Rose to keep this to herself.

Rose shook her head again, confused. "So I _was_ hallucinating? He didn't say you were having his...baby...?"

"He did."

"So you really are _pregnant_ right now?" Her eyes darted to Rey's middle, as if she expected to find the visual evidence of it already. "There's a real, true baby in there at this very second? And wait, is that what the puking was about?"

"Yes, Rose. Listen, this wasn't something we planned on, it's a surprise to us too. And it's really new. It tuns out the meds they give you for the virus can mess with contraceptives. We didn't know that."

"Holy shit," Rose breathed, eyes widening. "So you two really did fuck your way through the quarantine? I mean, we all joked that you would, but you really did."

Rey blushed. "It was two weeks...we got bored..."

"And made a baby." Rose laughed incredulously. "This is some crazy bullshit."

"It was an accident."

"An accident," Rose guffawed. "Whoops, sorry I just pumped you full of my powerful baby juice, didn't mean to do that, even though we've been messing around with this shit for, like, four years."

"Rose," Rey complained, hiding her face in her hands.

"Just don't tell anyone," Ben said, soft but firm. "Please."

"No, no, no, Benny boy, you can't set me up for failure like that. I'm gonna tell Armie," she said. "I could try to promise that I won't, but I'm weak, I know I'll break it. I have to tell him, at least."

Rey sighed. It was as good as out, then. Ben knew it too, because his mouth tightened in a look of resignation. She wondered how long they had until the news traveled around. How long until Hux told Gwen, or Rose broke and told Paige. Could they at least get through the end of this party without the whole world finding out? Rey thought that maybe she could deal with this if everyone found out on their own, through the grapevine, one by one. Then she wouldn't have to face their astonishments and assumptions firsthand.

"So let me get this straight," Rose said carefully when neither of them said anything for a long time. She leveled Rey with a scrutinizing look. "This morning, when you said you weren't open to getting into new relationships right now, this is why?"

"Yeah."

"Because you're knocked up. With _his_ baby. You two are going to be parents together...but also not together."

"I know that's not what you want to hear, but it's true." Rey shrugged. "Nothing is going to change."

"Except the part where you have a fucking _child_ together!" Rose laughed again, wildly, incredulously, the laughter of someone who thinks they might be losing their mind. "This is insane. It's insane."

"I know," Rey said. "Trust me, we are both fully aware."

"Are you, though? Because the two of you are acting ridiculously nonchalant about all this."

Rey stood and pulled Rose to the bed, urging her to sit down. "Okay, look, I haven't done a good job at explaining this. I just found out about a week ago. Remember how you urged me to go to the doctor? I did. This was the answer. It was so much to process, so far outside my realm of experience and not at all what I had planned for my life. What you're seeing now is two people who have had a week to process. But we've had our moments of panic, too."

Well, _she_ had anyway. Maybe Ben had too, when he was alone, but he had never let her see it. Every moment she was with him, he seemed calm, ready, embracing his fate with stunning acceptance. He must have some mysterious coping technique, because there was no way it was this easy for him to welcome this new life course. She wanted to know what it was, but the one time she'd tried to ask, he'd provided no answer except increased attention to the delights of her body.

Rey sighed and finished quietly, "We're still figuring everything out. At first it was just trying to decide what to do about it. Now it's about how we manage from here."

"What do you mean what to do about it?" Rose asked, frowning.

"To keep it or not."

Rose glanced between them again, her nose wrinkling, brow furrowing. "Huh? You're seriously trying to tell me you considered _not_ keeping it?"

"Yes." Rey didn't understand why her friend couldn't wrap her head around that. "It's kind of a life-changer."

Ben folded his arms over his chest and leaned against the dresser, silent and observing. If Rey weren't already so keyed in to his presence, she might have been able to forget he was there at all. Apparently he was content to let the two of them talk this through without his input.

"Nah," Rose shook her head. "I don't buy it. You were never gonna abort this kid. Not in a million years."

"But I was." Just for half an hour, at least, she thought that would be the plan. "I honestly thought it would be the best thing. I wasn't about to hold Ben to something he didn't want, and I didn't feel ready to take something like this on either. It was the logical choice."

"So then why didn't you do it?"

A difficult question to answer, even now. Rey didn't have the language to understand the reason, exactly. She only knew that it felt right. Terrifying, but right. And it's what they both wanted. Now, seeing how _happy_ Ben was, she knew the other choice would have had dire consequences for their ability to remain friends.

Her silence was some kind of confirmation for Rose. She nodded. "That's right, you can't tell me why, because you don't have a reason — because you were never going to do it. You two have this ridiculous thing with each other, this honest-to-God adorable but _stupid_ thing with each other. And it involves both of you clinging to denial like it's a life raft. Because of some bullshit about protecting the friendship. You are two idiots with one goddamn braincell, I swear."

"Rose—" she tried to interject.

But Rose mowed right over her. "You wanna know why I _know_ that you were never going to get rid of it? Because you want this. You want _his_ ," she pointed at Ben, "baby. That's right, I said it. And I don't mean now, since you found out. I mean all along. No, no, don't try to tell me you haven't. You've been fooling around, playing with fire this whole time because you've secretly wanted something like this to happen. And he's wanted that too. He's wanted to give _you_ a baby. Which is why Mister Upstanding, Mister Always Plays a Paladin in D-and-D over there went along with this madness, both of you in this game of fertility Russian Roulette wondering when that birth control of yours was gonna fail. Because your subconscious wants to find a way to bind him to you permanently, and his wants the same. So guess what? It happened. You found the bullet. And I believe you that you didn't know about the meds, and you didn't think this was your plan, but that doesn't change the facts, dear. So now you both get what you wanted, to share a life together, but the messed up thing is that you're doing it in a way where you don't have to resolve your true feelings and actually have a _life together_. It's batshit crazy, Rey. You two drive me up the wall."

She stood up, shaking her head. "Congratulations. I am happy for you. And you'd better let me be the doting and spoiling auntie because obviously that is my right as your infinitely patient and supportive bestie. But I'm feeling a little annoyed at both of you right now so I'm going to go back to the party and try to forget this madness. I love you, girl." She leaned down to address Rey's middle, "And I love you, little bean, and don't worry, I don't blame you at all for your parents' nonsense."

Then she patted Rey's head, sighed, and then moved towards the door. Before leaving, however, she paused and shot Ben a fierce look. "You need to marry her, Ben."

Rey tried to protest. "Why is that a thing? We don't live in some repressed society where I have to walk around with the letter A sewn into my clothes in punishment for having a bastard child."

Rose rolled her eyes. "I wasn't talking to you."

Ben gave her this funny little expression. Half amused, half rueful, maybe a little weary. Rey had no idea what to make of it. "I offered. She doesn't want it."

That earned Rey a dirty look from Rose and an annoyed, "Pull yourself together, sweetie. I love you, but you're a mess. Figure it out."

With that, she left, closing the door behind her.

Silence enveloped the room. Heavy, dreadfully profound silence. It hung between them, meaningful and so very loud, demanding they speak and fill it. Rey's face felt hot. Rose's exasperated rant, saying _those things_ in front of _him_ , was somehow more embarrassing than puking in front of her friends. She should have made Ben wait outside while she dealt with Rose. Then she might have been able to shrug all this off and pretend it was just typical Rose hyperbole. But he had heard. He'd been caught in the crossfire too. She stared at the carpet and refused to look at him.

"Do you want to talk about it?" he asked very softly.

"Nope."

"Do you just want to go back to the party?"

"Yep."

He nodded, hesitated another moment, and then slowly went to the door of the bedroom and opened it. He waited for her. She stood and moved past him, wondering if she should say anything, but unable to find any words. She headed back outside with him trailing behind.

Rey tried to ignore the gnawing feeling inside her that those words had damned her with truth. At least some truth. She and Ben _were_ inextricably tied now. And maybe there was a part of her that was glad about it. Relieved, even. No matter what happened in the future, even if they found other people, they would always be in each other's lives. She could never permanently lose him now.

It was kind of a fucked up way to keep him, though. She probably did need to take a good hard look at herself and figure out what she wanted. Rose was right about that. Because Rey was more and more bothered by the idea of him finding someone else, of another woman in his future. She'd barely been able to swallow her surge of irrational jealousy when he told her about his mother trying to set him up again. But Rey wasn't sure she was ready to assess herself that honestly yet. She was afraid. Ben was so good, so kind, so excited about all of this, that she didn't trust herself to interpret the situation the right way.

Better just to push it down and try to keep moving forward as if everything were normal.

Even though nothing was. But she tried to pretend anyway as they rejoined everyone else. Her incident was largely forgotten already, the merry mood of the group having long since moved on — the only ones who asked if she was feeling better were Finn and Poe. Everyone else left her alone about it, which she was grateful for. She could feel Rose watching her, though. Hux too, though she wondered if that was probably just her own paranoia because it was unlikely Rose had managed to tell him everything already. Except for that, everything seemed to be okay again. The food was finally finished and everyone ate until they were stuffed, then gathered around Poe's fire pit to chat and laugh and tease Paige and Finch as the nearly newlyweds.

Ben's fingers brushed the inside of her wrist, drawing her attention, and he motioned to a long bench out of the way of the smoke. She was glad he still wanted her to sit by him, and that Rose's speech hadn't made him feel too awkward to be around her. Despite everything, there was still nothing so comforting and calming as his presence. So she sat by him, letting her knee fall against his, and her shoulder brush his arm. A subtle thing, but still an attempt to signal to him that she wasn't going to let those words alter her behavior either.

Finn sat down on her other side, Poe in a chair next to him. Across the fire, Rose sat with Hux's hand in her lap. She kept glancing at Rey, like she couldn't help herself. Someone passed around drinks so everyone had something in hand. Ben briefly left her to go fetch her a Ginger-Ale (where the hell had he found that?) and a Coke for himself.

"I have a feeling someone's going to start a drinking game," he said by way of explanation when she threw him a puzzled look. "I can't afford to get drunk tonight."

"I have my car here. I could drive us back to your place."

He shook his head. "Nope. Driving's not the only reason."

She didn't press him further. A few glances stole her way, but nobody asked why she wasn't drinking now. After eating, her stomach had returned to its new norm: a low-lying discontentedness with the world and its various provocations, but no longer in danger of tossing it all again.

Zorri was chatting up Gwen, the two seemed to be getting along as well as Gwen hoped for earlier. Tally and Jess were talking to Paige about wedding plans. Jannah engaged Finch, and everyone was settling in to comfortable conversation.

"We should play something," Finn mused to Rey and Poe both. "Something to embarrass the nearly-newlyweds."

Poe grinned. "A most excellent plan, buddy. What will it be, then?"

"Never Have I Ever?"

"Perfect."

Ben nudged Rey, and when she glanced at him he gave her a knowing nod, as if to say _see?_ She smiled a little. Yeah, okay, so he knew the group well. They loved to get tipsy and embarrass each other. But that was a recipe for risk, so Rey wasn't exactly excited about this idea.

"We've played this game before," Tally complained when Finn announced the plan.

"Loads of times," agreed Hux. "We already know everything there is to know about each other."

"No way," said Poe. "There's always more we could learn! Come on, I'll start. In honor of Paige and Finch, I'll say _never have I ever_...proposed to anyone!"

A ripple of laughter ran through the assembly. Ben gave Poe an incredulous look. "How is that possible, Dameron? Haven't you proposed to every partner you've ever had since we were in high school?"

"Not to me!" chirped Jess.

"Or me," said Tally.

"Not here either," said Zorri.

Poe stuck out his tongue at Ben. "See, Solo? I take my marriage proposals very seriously. Now drink! We gotta see how the sentimental fools around here are."

Finch, obviously, took a swig. Hux too, which startled a few.

"You have?" Gwen asked, shocked. "When?"

"Doesn't matter." Hux blushed brighter than his hair. "She said _not yet_."

" _Yet_ is the key word there," Rose laughed, grabbing his collar and pulling him down for a reassuring kiss.

Ben surreptitiously tipped back his Coke, timed so almost everyone missed it. Rey didn't. She flicked him a side-eye, the little admission messing with her in a crazy way. Who had he tried to give his heart to? And who had been so foolish at to turn him down?

Ben saw her looking and his mouth curled into a sly sort of smirk.

Finn must have noticed too. "You want me to get you a grown-up drink, there, Solo?"

"I'm good, thanks."

"So who'd you propose to?"

"That's not part of the game," he said, shrugging. "Start Truth or Dare if you want information like that."

Finn snorted. "We're not in high school here. Or should we do spin the bottle, too?"

"I'm sure your boyfriend would be happy to kiss everyone here."

The relationship between these two men was not warm and fuzzy. They tolerated one another, but Finn was protective of Rey and he resented Ben's place as her best of all friends. He thought he should hold that title. Rey couldn't really explain to him why he didn't. She just got a long so much more naturally with Ben. Finn thought Ben was cold and often rude, and was frequently annoyed by his quieter nature. He thought Ben's silence meant he was judging everyone all the time.

But now was not an appropriate moment for them to argue. Rey cut both off with an impatient wave, because Zorri was going next.

The relative newcomer tapped her chin and thought. "Hmm...okay... _never have I ever_ picked a wedgie in public."

"Not possible," Poe cried.

"And yet, it's true," she laughed.

Everyone drank at that one.

Jess went next, claiming she'd never accidentally walked in on anyone naked before. Rey drank at that one. She'd seen far too many of these people's asses over the years. Tally had never planned a wedding before. Paige laughingly complained about being targeted, which only provoked them to target her and Finch more. Hux said he'd never kissed a black guy before. Paige drank again. Poe drank. Jannah, Tally, Jess, and Rey drank.

Rose was next. She was giving Rey this defiant look, a daring thing that made Rey suddenly very, very nervous.

A sneaky grin snaked over her face and she tipped her head innocently. "Paige, we all know what comes after sittin' in that tree for too long, what comes after love and marriage, so in honor of that — _never have I ever_ taken a pregnancy test."

Jess shrugged and drank. Rey almost didn't, but Rose raised her brow in a challenge, and she knew she was being blackmailed into participating. So she took a swig of her Ginger-Ale.

Finn stiffened next to her. "Really?"

"It happens," Poe laughed. "Jess and I had that scare once. False alarm, though."

"Thankfully," Jess agreed, raising her bottle at him. Poe clinked his against hers in a celebratory toast.

Gwen went next. She'd never bought an engagement ring. Finch drank. Hux drank. Ben did not, which surprised Rey a little because she supposed that was an integral part of having proposed to someone before. Paige got everyone back by saying she'd never attended a murder mystery party.

They all groaned, because every single one of them, with the exception of Zorri, had been to one of Poe's famous murder nights. Paige had managed to get out of every single one somehow.

Around it went. Finch had never laughed so hard he peed himself. Jannah had never gotten stitches. Rey drank to both of those. When it got to be Ben's turn, he said he'd never cried to get out of a speeding ticket, which was completely unfair because Rey didn't _mean_ to cry if she got pulled over, she just couldn't help it. She drank. Poe did too, which made everyone laugh.

Rey said she'd never slept with a Brit before, just to get Rose back for her little dig. The look Rose gave her over the top of her bottle as she drank, though, told Rey the game wasn't over.

Finn said he'd never bought a tuxedo. And that completed the round. Everyone was starting to get a little tipsy and were excited to keep going. So around they went again. Poe said he'd never held a baby before. Jess had never picked out a wedding dress. Tally had never ridden a horse. Hux had never gone to a prom. Rose melted at that one and promised one day they'd have their own.

"Never have I ever," Rose said with a truly evil grin when it came to her again, "sexed my way through a quarantine."

A scandalized coo ran through the group and they looked at Ben and Rey, who were the only ones who'd actually gotten sick and been forced into a real quarantine situation.

Rey blushed furiously and gave Rose a glare across the fire. Ben laughed and drank, eliciting greater sounds of surprise from their friends. He looked at Rey expectantly. She drank too.

It wasn't like people didn't already know they occasionally slept together. It was the knowledge everyone pretended was a secret, but really wasn't.

"Sounds like a brilliant way to spend a couple weeks!" Poe said, leaning over to give Ben a high five.

Ben took Poe's wrist and leaned over to return his hand to his lap. "Mm-hmm. Moving on, now."

Rey would find a way to get Rose back when her turn came. But apparently it wasn't over, because Rose leaned over and whispered something in Gwen's ear. Gwen lit up, grinning, and said, "Never have I ever fallen in love with my best friend."

"Aww," crooned Poe, and drank. "I feel bad for you, Gwennie. It's the best."

Paige and Finch drank. Hux drank. Rose, keeping her eyes pinned on Rey, drank.

Rey gripped her now nearly-empty can of Ginger-Ale tightly and stared her friend down. She knew what Rose was threatening, but she wouldn't be bullied into this. It was a stupid, silly game. She didn't have to comply with the rules. Nobody was going to drag her off to party game jail for non-compliance. She'd just have to play this game of chicken with Rose and see if she'd really spill the beans just because Rey wouldn't drink to this.

But then Rose's glance flicked to the side, and Rey followed it to Ben. He'd stood up, taken her nearly-empty can from her, and was now walking away from the group. He paused by the recycling can, throwing back his Coke and draining the rest of it before chucking both cans and heading inside, presumably for more.

Rose glanced back at Rey, her eyebrows lifting as if some point had been proven. Rey didn't know what. She frowned.

When the game got around to her again, Ben still wasn't back. She came up with some meaningless nonsense about never having grown an herb garden so Rose would have to drink again. She was genuinely worried now that Rose would keep trying to goad everyone into putting the pieces together themselves.

Finn went next, saying he'd never attended a bachelor party before. Hux, Poe, and Finch drank.

When the turn passed to Poe, Finn leaned over and whispered to Rey, "never have I ever been as much of a stick in the mud as your boy."

She glanced towards the house again. Ben still hadn't come back out.

"Maybe he's just tired of playing," she said, shrugging.

"What, is he afraid we're all gonna learn his secrets?"

"Maybe." She shifted her focus back to him. "You've got some of your own to keep too, don't you? We all do. Aren't you afraid someone's going to turn this game dirty and starting saying sexual things they've never done, and then Poe's gonna know how inexperienced you are?"

Finn looked disturbed. "Well I wasn't, but I am now."

"Hey," someone complained, "Rey, you gotta drink."

She looked up. "What was it?"

"Jess said she's never been to England."

Rey rolled her eyes. That one was a staple whenever they got these games going. She lifted her hands. "Can't. Don't have a drink."

"Doesn't count anyway," Hux said. "She's not even really drinking."

Rose smirked.

Her heart skipped a nervous beat and she returned her attention to Finn. "I think I'm gonna bow out too. I'm still not feeling a hundred percent and I think I should head home."

He looked disappointed, but nodded. "Yeah, okay. Sorry about earlier. Hope you get through this quick, whatever it is. Probably food poisoning?"

She smiled. "Who knows. Thanks, though."

With that she stood and started making her way out of the group. Poe saw her going and objected. "Wait, Rey! You're not leaving, are you?"

Finn leaned over and whispered in his ear. She waved apologetically at the rest of them and headed for the house. Rose stood and scrambled after her.

"I'm sorry! Is it because of me you're leaving?"

Rey could smell the alcohol on her breath. She wrinkled her nose. "I don't know, you seem pretty determined to out me here, Rose."

"I'm not, I promise! It's just...everyone can see it. Everyone. It's too easy to tease you guys about it because it feels like you're being deliberately blind."

"Look," she sighed. "Whatever goes on between Ben and me, that's _our_ business. Okay? Whether we get together or just stay friends, that doesn't have anything to do with you. You need to let us figure stuff out on our own."

"Does that mean you _are_ figuring it out? Or that there's hope for that?"

Rey wanted to say there was. Some small part of her was coming to believe that they could be more. But she wasn't sure yet, so she was honest. "I have no idea. Maybe. This...situation," she glanced around. "That I'm in. It's changing a lot of things. Our dynamic is changing. I don't know what it means yet, but I need you to back off and let us sort through it all."

Rose pulled her in for a hug. "I will, I promise. Sorry for snapping at you earlier. I really am happy for you. I wish it meant you guys were finally getting together. You just make each other so happy. But I'll back off. I won't keep pushing."

"Thanks," Rey said, hugging her back. "Come over tomorrow to help me with the jam and I'll answer any questions you still have — as long as they're not specifically about me and Ben."

Rose illuminated with an excited smile. "Deal!"

Rey saw Gwen watching them, and a funny feeling swept over her that somehow, she knew. She couldn't possibly guess _how_ the tall woman could know, but the certainty moved through her anyway. She saw Poe looking over at them too and her cheeks flushed. The moment she left, Rose was going to get ambushed. She knew it. By the look in Rose's eye, she knew it too. The questions of the others just simmered there under the surface. A few keen minds had clued in. Finn seemed oblivious, but Poe definitely wasn't, and the Hux siblings definitely weren't.

"It's okay," Rey told her in resignation. "Don't like...make an announcement. But if someone specifically wants to know..."

Rose's eyes widened. "Really?"

It was going to happen anyway. Rey shrugged. "Just don't say that nonsense about how we wanted it. Just the facts, please."

"Okay! Yeah." She looked a little relieved, honestly. Rey gave her one last hug and then fled into the house.

She poked around a bit for Ben, but couldn't find him in any of the rooms or bathrooms. Eventually she went out the front to see if his car was still there and found him sitting on the steps leading down into the front yard. Night sprawled over the neighborhood, chillier out here than in the back by the fire. Quiet houses lined a quiet street, lights glowing from within windows. Poe was the young single guy on the block, she knew from past experiences. Most of these homes were occupied by upper-middle class families.

Ben swiveled around at the sound of the door.

"Hey," she said briskly, scooting around him and jumping down to the yard. Poe's floodlights clicked on, bathing her in a yellow glare. "Are you ready to go? Because I am definitely ready to go."

His mouth twisted into an amused little smile. "I'm always ready to leave these things."

She turned around and motioned to the neighborhood. "Is that why you're moping out here by yourself?"

"Not moping. Just thinking." He stood, following her out onto the grass. "I just liked the quiet."

"Yeah..." she glanced at him and then away, nodding and drawing a deep breath. "They're getting more and more rowdy the longer that game goes on. It's a good time to split."

"Then let's go," he said. "You want to leave your car here or just caravan it?"

"Oh, I'm definitely not leaving it here." The other would see it, and whichever of them had gotten Rose to talk tonight would absolutely make erroneous conclusions about what it meant.

Not that she was even sure it mattered at this point.

* * *

Ben had the nicest bed Rey had ever been in.

It was huge, for one. As massive California king that meant she could sprawl out and still leave ample space for Ben and his huge body to sprawl too. And he had a nice mattress. One of those fancy silicone hexagonal ones that managed to be both squishy and yielding as well as firm and supportive as the same time. The mattress was extra nice because it absorbed movement and didn't make any noise no matter how ruthlessly he took her. Noisy springs and beds were a distraction from just being lost in the moment.

Not that this was the particular use of the mattress tonight. Not even the size really mattered, because right now they only occupied a little piece of it. Rey was snuggled into him, right up against his warm, firm body, her head in his shoulder, her nose buried into his neck. It was a nice reprieve from any other smell — even though Ben's house smelled clean and fresh and good.

They hadn't properly cuddled since the quarantine, when they'd spent hours tangled on her pullout, sick and needy in their turns. They didn't usually cuddle at all, except under unusual circumstances, and those had truly been unusual. It opened a window of opportunity they didn't usually indulge. Rey wanted to feel that again. To go back to that time. Before everything got complicated. When it was simple, and snuggly, and good. Being sick wasn't great, but the fun they had being cooped up together more than made up for any physical discomfort.

She could feel Ben's heart beating steadily beneath her head, big powerful pulses that boomed in deep bass contrast to the high racing gallop they'd heard in Holdo's office. She wondered what each pulse was for. Not literally, of course, but on a symbolic level. What did Ben hope for and dream about now? His future was so altered. His plans derailed. What made his blood quicken with anticipation, what secret wishes did he harbor now in this new trajectory?

He was very quiet tonight. They'd spoken a little after getting to his house, mostly her recounting what had happened after he left to go inside Poe's house. He stared up at his ceiling now, breath calm in his chest, fingers trailing absent patterns against her arm. This was an extremely intimate moment, but he didn't seem to mind. Rey decided she didn't either.

After a while he asked very softly, "Do you want to talk about what Rose said?"

"No..." She held her breath and hoped very much that he wouldn't press it.

"We can, you know." His voice was still gentle, offering a way if she wanted it. "If it's bothering you."

"I told her to back off," she said, dipping her chin to that her forehead rested against his jaw. "I guess we probably should, but...just...not yet. I don't want to open that box."

His fingers against her skin stilled. "Box?"

"You know. Like Pandora's box. Or jar. Whatever it was. I'm not really clear on what exactly the container was."

"Oh." Ben was quiet another moment, and then a little chuckle rumbled against her head. "Interesting metaphor. Everything bad came out of that box."

"Yeah, that's kind of what I'm afraid of."

"Okay," he said softly. "We won't talk about it. But you know what was in the bottom of that box, Rey."

Her heart skipped a beat. Her fingers curled against her chest. Her voice was small when she said, "I know."

Hope.


	8. Moonlight Becomes You

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Deep dive into Ben brain, and a wedding (lol)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Remember how I said this would be a ficlet? Only a couple chapters? *facepalm*
> 
> It's just that  
> 1) This soft fic is really getting me through this crisis.  
> 2) I seem incapable of keeping it brief and  
> 3) your responses are so overwhelmingly sweet, it really drives me to keep going. 
> 
> I have an ending in mind, and not too far down the road, but we'll see how it works out.
> 
> To address A Thing that bothered a couple of you — Rose knows that Rey is full of BS about not wanting to marry Ben, that's why she ruthlessly calls her out. I love unapologetically honest friendships, but I fully understand if that isn't your cup of tea. I appreciate the continued support regardless. 
> 
> All your comments are my drug and I keep writing because every couple of days I need another hit.

**CHAPTER EIGHT: Moonlight Becomes You**

* * *

Ben would rank it as one of his top five favorite nights.

Not the party. That was fine. More interesting than usual, due to Rey's sick episode and Rose's impassioned lecture. Ben thought she'd made some interesting points — particularly about what they subconsciously sought with this sham friendship. Perhaps that was why he had relaxed his rule about always using a condom with Rey, not only because it felt so good to finish in her, so intimate and personal and so distinctly _them_ , but maybe also some unconscious part of him was hoping it would stick. Certainly he wasn't upset that it had.

But more than his own thoughts about what she'd said, he wanted to know what Rey thought. He wanted her to talk about it, to talk through her feelings — whatever they were, even if they didn't align with his. They told each other everything, always. It was maddeningly foreign to watch her actively bury her feelings and hide them from him. She'd told him incredibly difficult things about her life. Really painful things to talk about. He had never violated her trust. She'd told him every little thought that passed through her head and her heart, and he harbored them all. He wanted her to trust him with this. To trust him to react the right way, even if it ran contrary to his own secret desires.

So it drove him a little bit crazy that she wouldn't talk about it.

But he wasn't going to push her. Instead, he let her keep her silence and used his own to ruminate about the future. He'd extricated himself from their inane drinking game before he publicly admitted things better saved for private and went to attend to his thoughts in the refuge of the porch. He pondered the neighborhood, the other houses. He wondered how to find out what kind of things she'd want in a home, and how exactly he was going to tell her that he wanted her to move in, for them to raise their baby _together_. And if he could ever work up the courage to do it properly, and could be assured he wouldn't terrify her, he wondered how she'd feel about his grandmother's ring, currently hidden away in one of his drawers.

Going home and cuddling her to sleep was infinitely better than the party in every single way.

It became one of his top five nights because she had let him hold her until morning. Even when she fell deep asleep, she didn't roll away. She snuggled deeper into him. He shifted around when his body started to protest, but he made sure to always keep hold of her, to keep her sheltered safe and secure against his chest. Where she belonged. He didn't get great sleep, and his arm kept going numb under her, but the feeling of rightness radiating through his center was too good to break for something as trivial as sleep.

The other nights in his top five were these:

**One:** The second time they ever had sex.

**Two:** The night she told him about her childhood. She wept. He held her. She said she'd never told anyone she was a nobody before. He brushed away her tears and told her she wasn't a nobody to him.

**Three:** That one night when he'd been tasked with taking some furniture out to Uncle Lando in the desert and asked Rey to come keep his company, and his father's old truck broke down on the side of the road in a signal deadzone, and they spent the night in the bed of the pickup, on the old spring-worn couch staring up at the stars and waiting for someone to find them. Ben hoped no one would until morning. No one did.

**Four:** The _first_ time they had sex.

And now this one. **FIVE:** The night she asked if she could stay in his bed when it had nothing to do with sex at all. Just because she wanted to be with him.

The reason the second time was his number one favorite memory was because the first one was rushed, sloppy, and they were both a little drunk. It was the night after they graduated. Ben had always liked her, and they were already really close, but he still felt kind of weird about being a graduate student hanging out with undergrads— never mind that his buddy since childhood, Poe, was also in the same boat and didn't seem to mind at all. Ben had tried to deny his crush on Rey because of it. He knew she didn't quite reciprocate, and he didn't really mind the friend zone so much, because being her friend was infinitely better than being one of her awkward exes.

That night everyone got tipsy. Rose, in her lovesick inebriated state, kept going on and on about Armitage Hux — to the point that Ben began to regret ever introducing them. He could see how Rose's overflowing romantic happiness was affecting Rey. Sunny, cheerful Rey who always seemed so resilient and independent. It was hard to see her turning inward, increasingly wracked with self-doubt. He'd nearly come undone when she was crying by the end of the night because she believed herself unlovable.

They had shared a cab back to her place and he comforted her. Kissed away the tears on her cheeks and hugged her tight until her sobs subsided. She nuzzled into his neck and drunkenly confessed that he was her very favorite person. He said she was his. She kissed his ears, his jaw, his throat — never his lips, though. Not even then. Her hands wandered. She found him with a semi, and told him she'd always wondered if this was as big as the rest of him suggested. Ben worried about that. He was afraid she was too intoxicated to really know what she wanted. Was afraid he was too far gone to know when to stop himself. But then she pulled off her shirt and asked if she thought her tits were the problem, the reason why she couldn't keep a relationship going. If they were too small. And Ben forgot about anything else because he was hopelessly done for after that.

They weren't too small for him. They were perfect. He showed her how much he loved them, with his hands, with his mouth. She ripped him free from his pants and marveled at the size of him, exploring him in every way he'd ever imagined.

Ben hadn't really known what was happening, or how the simple act of comforting had suddenly turned into a living recreation of every wet dream he'd ever had about her, but somehow it all just kind of spiraled from there. He couldn't remember all of it, but he remembered the look of shock on her face when she tried to take him in, sitting astride his lap, gravity trying its best to help her sink onto him.

It didn't really matter that she couldn't do it. He was way too worked up anyway, and finished embarrassingly fast, just inside her by a few inches. But he managed to hang on to enough of his libido to make sure she got to her bliss too with a bit of clever fingerwork. It was still in his top five, as messy as it was, because it was _her_ and it was the first time she'd bared her body to him.

He thought that she'd probably really regret what they'd done in the morning. It was definitely not his best performance, and they were too drunk to really know what they were getting into.

But she hadn't regretted it. She kept thinking about it. And a week later, she told him she couldn't get it out of her head and wanted to try again, sober. No strings, she said. No strings, he agreed, even though he knew he was already doomed in that regard.

The second time was so much better. It was perfect. He'd taken his time, really let himself explore her wondrous body with all his faculties at his disposal this time. He'd tasted her, and decided it was his new favorite flavor, just because of how she writhed under his touch. He was incredibly attuned to her every reaction. It had never been like this before with other women. With them it was this difficult guessing game, trying to figure out what they liked. Not with Rey. He knew, somehow, exactly what she needed. His instincts drove him to listen to her noises and respond accordingly.

He remembered everything about that encounter. Every tiny detail. The way light seemed to spark like electricity in her eyes as he'd gradually and methodically prepared her, digit by digit, until she was gasping and shuddering on three of his fingers. The velvet brush of her soft lips as she'd kissed his tip, running little licks along him, the feel of her curious fingers rolling the condom on, her mouth set in hungry determination, ready this time to take every inch. He remembered how much lube they'd had to use to make that happen, and how he worried that _these_ sounds, these loud cries, were signals of distress and he should stop. But she wouldn't let him. She wrapped her legs around his ass and kept him from pulling out, squirming and adjusting and pushing, _pushing_ herself onto him in desperation to get him deeper. She'd never opened up for anything as big as him before, and the stretch took her to her limits. She panted and trembled and a sweat broke out over her whole body, but she begged him to keep going. She was beautiful, and lust-driven, and Ben's mind spun in dizzy wonder. When he finally got fully seated, she practically purred with pride and pleasure. Ben had never been so painfully turned on, and he almost came just from how happily she accepted all of him. She ran her hands through his hair and murmured the craziest praise of his dick he'd ever heard.

Everything about that encounter left him in helpless awe.

Possibly that one was untouchable as his favorite memory. Nothing would ever top it.

But this sweet, platonic sharing of his bed was profoundly meaningful too, in a different way than those first two times inside her had been.

He didn't even care that he was tremendously tired the next day. Fatigue clung to the edges of him, but contentedness made it irrelevant. When she woke, her eyes found his and for a moment, he saw what he hoped to see. Surprise, unguarded affection, genuine happiness.

They got breakfast out and spent the day together, doing the sorts of random nonsense they'd always gotten into. They went to an antique store and browsed around, and then to a hardware store because Rey wanted to price out the materials for a hydroponic garden. Ben teased her that she wanted to start an illegal grow operation in her apartment. After lunch he took her home because she wanted a shower and to change. Rose wanted to know if she'd be making jam, but Rey demurred, so they just went back to Ben's apartment for Netflix and, yes, even a little chill, for the rest of the afternoon. He saw how quickly she tired, and proposed an early bedtime because he had work in the morning anyway. She agreed.

He fixed her a simple breakfast the next day before they left, and when he said goodbye, he managed to pull her in for a kiss to her forehead. He asked if she'd be back that night.

She said she would.

Ben went to work that day high as a kite. It was a small thing, her sharing his bed and letting him hold her. But to him, it meant everything.

An hour into work, Gwen showed up at his office. She came in, closed the door, and sat unceremoniously in one of his chairs.

Ben gave her an amused look. "Did we have a meeting I forgot about?"

"No." She folded her arms over his chest and gave him an arched look. "Your big secret got spilled at Poe's party."

"Hm," he acknowledged, retuning his attention to work. "You don't sound surprised."

"Ben, I've been working with you for years. The smallest change in your behavior is a big signal that something's going on in your life. Last week you were _smiling_ so damn much, which is incredibly out of character for you. I knew something was up. I figured you and Johnson had finally gotten together."

Ben was working on that. He knew how to be patient and wait for things to unfurl. For her, he'd wait a lifetime.

Gwen watched him for a reaction. When she got none, she went on.

"But then the whole night she was refusing to drink. And she kept messing with her nose like someone just stepped in poo. Your behavior during the game, watching her like she was made of glass, it all made me suspicious that it wasn't what I thought, and it was actually so much bigger."

"Luke doesn't pay you enough," Ben mused. "You're sharp as a whip, Gwen."

"I know." She smirked. "Tell him to give me a raise."

"If I did that, he'd take it out of my own salary out of spite."

She laughed. "I wouldn't mourn."

"I would. I've got something to take care of now."

Her mouth twisted into a little smile. "You know, I always had this notion that the reason you were such an ass is because you were a family man missing his family. Now that you found it, you're starting to be a lot nicer."

_Almost,_ thought Ben. He'd almost found it. One little piece was his, at least. He just needed to find a way to convince his feral mate to stay and let him love her as much as he already loved their child. Their olive — not so much an olive, anymore. The app informed them yesterday morning that this week it grow to be the size of a prune.

Ben didn't think a _prune_ sounded as charming.

"Have you told your mother yet?" Gwen asked.

Ben shook his head. "No. None of them know. I'll probably need to tell them soon."

"Yeah, you definitely need to. This is the kind of thing you want them to get used to well before your kid arrives."

"Mm," he agreed in a non-committal hum. "Just keep it under wraps here, Gwen. Luke doesn't get to know about it before my mother does."

She nodded and stood, heading towards his door. "I understand. Your secret is safe with me. And for what it's worth, I think you're a good man for stepping up like this."

Ben grimaced. "That shouldn't be a reason for praise. This is the bare minimum of my responsibility. She didn't do this to herself. "

"And yet," she said ruefully, "too many of your sex run screaming the other way when something like this happens."

The way she said it made Ben wonder about her own childhood. He'd never heard her talk about it, and he'd never asked. Now he wondered if she'd grown up without a father.

Ben did have the benefit of an intact family. They were troublesome and difficult sometimes, but they were his. His father had stuck around, and he'd been a good father, a fun one, when Ben was younger. It was only when he got to be older, as a teen and into his emerging adult years, that their relationship began to deteriorate.

He definitely should tell his family.

But he waited, because he was still exploring this shift in the dynamic between himself and Rey. He wanted to see every facet of it, and how far this shift ran, before telling them anything.

After work he went to the store and finally stocked up his house with all the things that a house should have by way of food. Things that would be good for her to eat, and easy for her uncharacteristically delicate appetite to handle. It really was almost a crime, what he'd done by accidentally impregnating her. Rey was _defined_ by her love of food, and now that had been robbed from her, if only temporarily. Trying to help her find things to eat was only the smallest penance he could pay for his sin.

She arrived later that evening, telling him all about the texts she'd had to field from their friends all day as they bombarded her with alarmed or excited messages after successfully convincing Rose to tell them everything. She didn't sound annoyed, so Ben assumed she knew Rose would blow it. He hadn't gotten anything except Gwen's passing interest, and one mysterious text from Poe with a couple dozen thumbs up and a fireworks effect.

That night she fell asleep while they were watching a movie. It was still early, but she was exhausted. She barely even stirred when he carried her upstairs and tucked her into bed.

He spent a little longer getting himself ready, his thoughts a deep, churning river. Part of it was work — Luke mentioned earlier that day that their new clients (the presentation had been a smashing success) might need him to come to their corporate office for a couple weeks while they got everything with new campaign in place. Ben wasn't eager to go on a business trip right now, even though he usually loved them.

Part of his rumination included the personality changes Gwen had hinted at earlier. He'd always been weak for Rey, but now he was positive _mush_. And he liked it. That was...different. He was trying to decide if that compromised his masculinity, and if it did, did he even care. Ben was never one to conform to the expectations of others. He had a vicious, rebellious streak in him that made him prone to buck every rule and constraint others placed upon him. He always made himself the exception. It drove his father and Luke crazy. It made his mother tired. It made other people think he was a jerk. He didn't mind any of it. The only person he would bend to, in fact would willingly lay down and surrender to, was Rey. And in accepting this role she was giving him, _fatherhood_ , it was softening him in other areas too.

That was fine, he decided. It wasn't for any of them. Just for her, and for the little person they made.

Eventually he got into bed beside her and pulled her in close. She sighed in her sleep and tucked in against him, humming a soft, happy note.

Rose said that Rey had earlier denied having feelings for him. Ben wouldn't expect anything less. He knew her, and he knew how fiercely she guarded her heart. Her instincts for self-defense ran so much deeper than anyone could soothe. If she did have feelings for him, and he was beginning to suspect that maybe (miraculously) she did, she would resist them and resist them until she felt safe enough to let go.

His task, then, was building that safety for her. Part of that included not revealing his hand too soon, because that would frighten her and make her run.

It was a delicate process. A careful one. He had a lot to consider.

His hand spanned her whole abdomen when he slid it over her, content to leave it there, protective of them both, until he too fell asleep.

* * *

**ELEVEN WEEKS — STRAWBERRY**

* * *

"Hey there, big Papa," Poe said, clapping Ben on the shoulder as he slid up behind him. "Where's your girl?"

"First of all, don't call me that." Ben brushed him arm off. "Second of all, she's not mine, and I don't know."

Poe laughed. "Think she's offended that you didn't let her sit with you and your parents during the ceremony?"

"She didn't want to." Ben's gaze scanned the reception, across the crowds of people milling around. Between the Ticos and the Dallows, there were _a lot_ of guests here. One glance at the gift table told him Paige and Finch were going to make off like bandits at the end of this.

"So you told 'em yet?" Poe asked, nodding towards where Ben's mother was talking to Poe's parents.

"No."

Poe clucked disapprovingly. "You're just asking to get in trouble here, buddy. Someone is going to spill the beans."

"Just make sure it isn't you." Ben cut him a sharp look.

Poe lifted his hands innocently, eyes going wide. "I would never! But your mom, she always finds out the truth. I'm just saying. You should really get ahead of this."

"I'll take that under advisement." Ben spotted Rey out of the corner of his eye. She was with Rose, the two of them giggling together like two school girls by the ice cream bar. The corner of his mouth twitched into the temptation of a smile. They both looked happy tonight. Almost as happy as Paige, who had finally gotten her dream wedding after having to postpone it for months until the pandemic passed and people were allowed to socialize again. The bride herself was an elegant vision in white, greeting her guests with her proud groom at her side.

Ben pulled at his tie so it was a little loser, his gaze dropping to the drink in his hand.

"She looks great tonight," Poe said thoughtfully.

Ben thought maybe he meant Paige, but he followed his friend's gaze over to Rey and Rose again. Rose almost suited her name, arrayed in most brilliant yellow and a dress that was surprisingly flattering, given the tradition of most Maid of Honor and Bridesmaid dresses to be…intentionally less beautiful than the bride. She looked like a flower. Though less like a red rose and more like…a daffodil? Ben wasn't really clear on the different kinds of flowers and their colors.

"Yellow suits her," he agreed. "Not so much Hux, though."

Armitage was not far away, talking to some people he must know. The tie that matched Rose's dress didn't do many favors for his fiery hair and sallow complexion.

Poe laughed. "You're obnoxious, you know that?"

Ben gave him a side-eye. "What did I do?"

"I meant _Rey_ , you idiot. She looks great. It must be killing you."

Oh.

It was. Ben didn't need another glance to tell him that, but his eye traveled back to her anyway, drawn there magnetically. She didn't look great. She was _beautiful_. The dress she wore — halter on top, flowing, draping folds from her trim waist down — was a mesmerizing midnight blue ombre. It was simple, and understated compared to Rose, the bridesmaids, and certainly Paige. That was appropriate for a guest. But to Ben, she still seemed to outshine all of them. The darkest blue contrasted perfectly against the smooth tan of her skin, and the silvery earrings and silver leaf pinning up half her hair looked like starlight on a twilight sky. Ben had done a double take when he saw her join the other friends for the ceremony, and it had been hard to keep his eyes off her ever since. She looked gorgeous and alive and happy.

Maybe she felt him staring, because her glance bounced away from Rose and found him. A storm of pleasure rumbled through Ben's chest, and he didn't realize it produced a low sound in him until Poe gave him an odd look.

"What's wrong?"

"Nothing is wrong."

"Why'd you make that sound?"

"What sound?"

Poe looked around for someone to back him up, but none of the strangers near them were paying attention. He gave Ben a weird look and shuffled off with some muttered excuse of finding Finn.

Ben glanced back at Rey again, and found with no small degree of satisfaction that she was working her way through the crowd towards him. Behind her, Rose flitted off to find Paige.

It was all Ben could do to keep his hands to himself when she slipped up beside him, grabbing a glass of water.

"Hi," she said, her cheeks flushed and bright.

"Hi," he said in return.

As if he didn't know her, as if she were some gorgeous stranger he was nervous to talk to, Ben floundered for what to say. Nevermind that she had been in his bed only a couple days ago, curled into him like a sleeping kitten, dozing while he worked on some project research on his laptop. He'd asked if she wanted to come to the wedding _with_ him, sit by him and his family like they did for Snap's. She hesitated for a long time, and then asked if he would be disappointed if she said no. He was, a little, but he lied and told her otherwise. He understood that she was still trying to pretend everything was normal. If the _strawberry_ hadn't happened, he wouldn't have even asked, and she'd have defaulted to sitting with the group of friends anyway.

But they did have a strawberry. Which was nicer than a prune. And everything was not normal. Ben didn't see any point in pretending it was, nevertheless he wouldn't deny her need to do it anyway.

Patience, he reminded himself when she left to go home, and he knew he wouldn't see her until the ceremony.

Now he was almost glad it had happened this way. Watching her get ready for this would have robbed him of the profoundly powerful effect of seeing her tonight for the first time.

"Rey—" he started to say, to tell her how pretty he thought she looked.

But he was cut off when two others approached. His mother and — his heart stuttered in his chest — Doctor _Holdo_.

"Ben!" His mother said with a wide smile. Her attention fell on Rey beside him. She didn't miss a beat. "Oh! It was…Rey, right? You're the one who came with Ben to Snap Wexley's wedding."

Rey looked positively shaken to see her doctor standing right there beside Ben's mother, who definitely did not know their secret yet. She managed to rally a nervous smile, barely flicking Holdo a startled glance before giving that smile to his mother.

"Yeah, that was me. It's good to see you again, Profes—Doct—"

"Leia is fine, dear," his mother interrupted, smiling kindly. She had a complicated web of names she used for various professional purposes. For her political world, she went by Organa, in honor of her mother's sister and her husband, who Leia had clung to after her death. In the academic world, she used Skywalker, her maiden name. And for personal affairs, she went by her married name, Solo.

Ben always thought this was altogether unnecessarily complicated, but no one could really tell his mother what to do.

"Ben," Leia said, motioning to Holdo. "This is my friend, Amilyn. She was my roommate in college and my best friend for many years. You met her when you were little, but I doubt you remember."

Ben would have remembered someone with purple hair, he thought, but then she might not have had purple hair back then. Tonight's Holdo's lavender waves were brighter than ever, offset by the elegant, simple gray dress she wore.

"Amilyn, this is my son, Ben, and his…friend, Rey."

Doctor Holdo smiled neutrally at him and nodded in greeting. "It's great to meet you, Ben." Her attention turned to Rey, and her smile remained just as warm, but vacant. "You too, Rey."

Rey looked like she had swallowed bees. Ben didn't know why Holdo was pretending not to know them, but he was too grateful to question it. Instead he just took her lead and did the same.

"I'm sorry I don't remember meeting you when I was younger," he said.

She laughed. It was a smooth, controlled sound. "I'd be surprised if you did. You were very young. Maybe five?"

Leia nodded. "Yeah, I think that's about right. You moved away for all those years."

Holdo hummed. "But it's great that we can pick up right where we left off, isn't it?"

"Absolutely," agreed Leia. She glanced at Rey. "Are you alright, dear?"

Ben was startled to see Rey looking decidedly pale. She threw them all an apologetic look.

"Um, yes, sorry. I just…got a little lightheaded. Excuse me. N-nice to meet you both."

She fled, finding her way over to some chairs where she sank down in clear exhaustion. Holdo's gaze tracked her, briefly met Ben's, and then drifted back to Leia.

Ben wanted to go check on Rey, but he didn't know how to do that without offending his mother.

Leia was watching him curiously. "I didn't realize you were still seeing her. It's been a long time."

"I'm…not…" Ben didn't really know how to explain things without explaining _every_ thing. "She's a friend, Mom."

"Why?" His mother's expression became baffled. "I remember I liked her a lot at Snap's wedding. Your father was all excited thinking maybe you finally found a good one, but then you never brought her around again. She's beautiful, and I remember she was nice. What's your problem?"

Ben rolled his eyes.

Leia glanced at Holdo with an exasperated look. "My son is the world's pickiest man, Amilyn. Where did I go wrong? He's so snobby about which women are worthy of his attention."

Holdo smiled. "You set a high standard for all our sex, Leia. I'm sure it's tough to find someone to live up to that example."

"Shameless," Leia laughed. "You're shameless."

Ben was itching to get away. It was his own fault for not visiting his parents more. Now that they had opportunity to be in the same place (Paige had been Leia's TA and research assistant) his mother wanted to take advantage of the situation and unriddle his life.

"Ben," she said, snapping his attention back from where it had wondered again to Rey. "Amilyn is a doctor."

"Your kind of doctor, or a doctor-doctor?" Ben asked, even though he knew.

"She's an OB-GYN," Leia explained. "She has a clinic here in town. If you're worried about your friend, I'm sure Amilyn would be happy to talk to her and make sure she's alright."

Holdo nodded. "No doubt it's just the rigors of the party, but I'm happy to check."

Ben gave his mother an uncertain glance. Would she come too? Because that wouldn't really help the situation any.

As if sensing this, his mother held up her hands innocently. "No, no, I won't meddle. I need to go make sure your father isn't taking advantage of the open bar anyway."

Holdo laughed lightly. "I'll find you in a bit, Leia."

"See you." She tossed Ben a fierce look. "Don't you dare sneak out of here without saying goodbye."

"I won't," he promised.

And then she was gone. Holdo looked at him and he at her. She nodded in Rey's direction. "Shall we?"

They went to the table where Rey sat nursing her glass of water, watching the party over the rim. She set it down when they got close and looked around for Ben's mother.

"She went to go check on my dad," he explained, sliding into a seat next to her. "Are you okay?"

"I'm fine," she said. "I just got…tired and...overwhelmed? And nervous, I guess."

Her attention flicked up to Holdo, who took the seat on her other side.

"It's normal," the doctor assured her comfortingly. "It's a big part of these early days. You'll get more energy soon."

"Why didn't you say anything?" Rey asked. "Why'd you pretend not to know us?"

"I'm not allowed to, by law." Holdo smiled. "It'd be a violation of your privacy. You are allowed to tell anyone you want about me, and if you chose to disclose our acquaintance to Leia, that would be your perogative. But I cannot."

Ben sagged against his chair in relief. He saw a shudder of the same move through Rey. She exhaled softly.

"I'm glad to know that."

"As your doctor, I have no problem keeping your secret," she said genially. Her glance darted to Ben with an amused glint. "As your mother's friend, I advise you don't keep her in the dark too long."

Yeah. Ben was starting to think that he'd need to have a conversation with her sooner than he thought.

"Got it," he told her.

She smiled and patted Rey's hand. "You're doing great, sweetie. Don't worry."

With that, she got up and drifted away, off to greet whoever it was she knew here. Maybe she was Paige's doctor too, and couldn't say anything about that either.

Rey sighed. "I got so scared that she'd say something right there in front of your mom, and then we'd have a scene."

Ben had been afraid of that too for a second there. But then, his mother really wasn't a _scene_ kind of person. She had too much tact, too much class for that.

The emcee announced the first dance for the bride and groom. The guests flowed around them towards the dance floor, but Ben and Rey stayed seated. He watched the lights of the outdoor venue swivel, focusing on the newlyweds as the music began to swell.

"Rose seems happy," he said, seeing that glimpse of yellow amidst the sea of people watching.

Rey relaxed, even grinned. "She's like a lemon skittle."

He laughed. "What does that even mean?"

She shrugged. "She's happy and excited and…sugary? Ha, I don't know. She just reminds me of candy tonight."

Rose was candy, and Rey was the night sky. And Ben supposed his feelings were getting a little out of hand.

They sat in companionable silence while Paige and Finch danced their first dance, and then Paige's father swept her around the dance floor for the father-daughter portion. Ben caught sight of his parents, his father obviously begrudging every second of this event, chatting with another middle-aged couple several yards away. His mother knew everyone, everywhere.

Eventually all the guests were invited to dance. They watched their friends pile together and find the rhythm of the first quick, celebratory song. Some of them were so cringey. Hux had no ability to follow the beat at all. Jannah had some excellent moves, though. By the time the song was ending, the ones who couldn't dance were mostly jumping around.

Rey plunked down her glass and turned to him. "Let's go."

"Where?"

"Dance."

Ben grimaced.

She laughed. "I know you don't like it. Indulge me."

He grumbled a little as she took his hand and led him towards the dance floor. Ben didn't really mind dancing if she was the only one around. They'd had their share of goofy dance-offs over the years. He didn't have any shame around her. But this was not in the privacy of her apartment, or the car, or the side of the road in the middle of the desert. This was _public_. And Ben was a big, lanky guy. He had decent kinesthesia when it came to athletic pursuits, and maybe that could translate on the dance floor, but he'd never really been brave enough to find out. He didn't want to look anything like Hux out there.

But in a stroke of fortune, the music turned and real dance skills were no longer required. A slow song had started.

Rey sighed in disappointment. "Damn. Bad timing. This isn't exciting."

Ben felt exactly the opposite.

She paused like she was about to turn around, but now he was the one tugging her.

"Come on," he said. "This is more your speed anyway."

Her brow furrowed. "How is this my speed? Slow songs are _boring_."

"Well your reserves of energy are incredibly low right now, so unless you want to be absolutely laid out after only one song, you'd better embrace the slow."

That won him a laugh and a little eye roll. She let him pull her out to join the other couples already swaying and circling. Ben had convinced her to dance a slow song with him at Snap's wedding — for the sake of convincing his parents, he'd said. He remembered that dance. He liked having her in his arms like that.

He deftly took control again this time, taking her hands and placing them on his shoulders. His own found the bare skin of her back, finger tips gliding over her warm skin — god, she always felt so _warm_ these days — and down to the fabric at her waist. His huge hands engulfed her, his thumbs rubbing against her ribs as he settled there and pulled her into the song with him. It was maybe a little high school, the way they were dancing, others around them had a moral formal dance position going: hands clasped, elbows out. But Ben didn't want formal. He wanted _close_.

Her hazel eyes were on him, curious and trusting as she let him lead. They caught the lights of the dance floor in bright mirrored reflection, like sunlight over a deep forest, green and gold and brown and gray and eternal. Ben loved her eyes. He loved how they could flash cold and fierce when she felt threatened, or how they could be glassy and dark with lust, or how they sparkled when she laughed, and illuminated with her smiles. She had expressive eyes. He liked finding her thoughts in them.

Maybe she liked his own, too — boring black-brown he'd always hated — because she kept searching them, like she was as lost in his as he was in hers.

"Rey," he said gently, bold enough for her to hear him over the music, but soft enough for _only_ her to hear, "You're beautiful."

She sucked in a sharp breath, and those forest eyes glittered. He lifted a hand to gently trace some stray hairs behind her ear.

Emboldened, his hands slid back a bit and he pulled her in closer. Her face was inches from his when he looked down. He could feel her breath against his skin. So close…so very tempting.

But there were things Ben couldn't shake. Impediments. They weren't alone, for one. He could feel everyone else around him, could imagine what their friends were already whispering. And his parents were here. His mother, who thought him disinterested in every woman ever, was no doubt monitoring this _closeness_ with some interest. And it wasn't the right scenario. Ben didn't want it like this. He'd always imagined that the first time he kissed her, they'd be alone. And it would be a lot more meaningful than a kiss during a dance at someone else's wedding.

So he didn't. Instead he shuddered and dipped his head to the side of her, rubbing his cheek against her hair. That already was way too intimate for everyone else to see, but he needed that much at least.

Her arms wrapped around his neck and her body rose a little to press against him. Ben wished so badly he could make everyone else disappear. Wished he could forget them and their stupid, prying eyes. Because Rey was here, she was _right here_ with him, and his heart was pounding so fast in his chest, and he trembled a little with the strength of his longing.

Because even though he knew this girl inside and out, had already claimed every inch of her body, he'd never felt this close to having all of her before.

He could say it. Maybe he couldn't kiss her, but he could say those three words and see if she would let them in.

But his gaze caught on familiar faces, Poe and Finn, and Rose and Hux, and — his courage wavered. He didn't care what they thought, but he cared that they could witness. They didn't deserve it. What he felt for her was too sacred to show everyone else. He sighed softly into her hair. If he could find this moment, he would find another one again, a better one.

So when the song ended he let her go, and let his gaze linger on hers for a moment until their friends surrounded them and whisked her away to dance a fast one with them. Ben left the dance floor to go find a strong drink.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Coming up next: A bit more from Ben, including a necessary family dinner
> 
> Also, I really want to know your headcanon: boy or girl? Whaddya think?


	9. Letting The Days Go By

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dropping info bombs on family

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I had planned to update yesterday, but I got reeeeaaaally sick with body aches and chills and thought Miss Rona was knocking at my door. But today I feel 100% fine, so...false alarm?
> 
> Anyway, dropping this chapter here even though I might come back and clean it up after I finish the last episode of Tiger King. Good thing you guys are used to my typos already.

**CHAPTER NINE:** **Letting The Days Go By**

* * *

THIRTEEN WEEKS — LEMON

Rey came out of the bathroom wrapped in a towel, her hair piled high into a bun on top of her head. The stray wispy strands that couldn't make the climb had gotten soaked and now clung to her neck in dark brown tendrils. Even though he'd just heard her throwing up half an hour before, Ben's body stirred with hunger at the sight of her. He wanted to run over, grab her, and lick every droplet of water still beaded on her shoulders.

He didn't.

Instead he made himself return his attention to his closet and the shirt he'd decided to wear.

"Are you okay?" he asked.

"Better," she replied, rather cheerfully for someone who had been violently ill before getting in the shower. But then, Ben had watched her adapt to her new normal with surprising resilience, once she got past that initial period of terror. He didn't know how she did it, coolly decided when to go empty her stomach, as if it were as simple a thing as going to take care of a runny nose. It wasn't that simple, of course. He saw the tears that pricked the corners of her eyes when she came out, the way her hands shook after, but she always bounced back quickly. She was rarely ever again caught off guard by it like she was at Poe's party.

Ben couldn't relate. It made him feel helpless to watch her go through it. Helpless, and a little in awe. He didn't get sick very often, but when he did it laid him out completely. He didn't know how she kept functioning every day, except that she must have some deep reservoir of strength inside her to carry her through it.

He slid his arms through the sleeves of his shirt and started in on the buttons.

"I'm gonna work from here today, if that's okay with you," she said, padding over to the dresser.

"Obviously it's okay," he said warmly, unable to disguise the note of pleasure that crept into his reply.

He loved it when she stayed at his house during the day. As much as he loved it when she stayed here during the night. Even if he wasn't here, it did something to him to know that she was curled up among his things, leaving traces of herself around his domaine.

She'd started doing that over the last couple weeks. The first time she said it was because her neighbor smoked pot, and sometimes the skunky scent made her lose her lunch. The second time she said that it was embarrassing to be at the library or a coffee shop and have to keep running to the bathroom as often as she had to go these days. The third time, she didn't even offer an excuse, just asked if she could stay.

Ben took it as a good sign. She felt safe and comfortable in his space. And little by little, he was working on making it _their_ space.

Like convincing her to leave a modest collection of her clothes here. It had been one of his favorite victories lately. She began to spend more nights at his condo than she did at her own apartment, and even though they didn't acknowledge this new arrangement, he'd managed to suggest that she keep an extra stash of things here _just in case_. It didn't even matter that he had no idea what that case would be, she accepted the idea and brought some of her stuff. And, he noticed, not just _some_ of her stuff, but her _favorite_ stuff. His dresser had become home to her most comfortable shirts and pants, sweaters and leggings. Everything soft and lovely that she liked best.

He also took that as a very good sign.

"You think Luke's good mood is going to hold out?" she asked conversationally as she rifled through those things now, trying to decide what she wanted.

Ben walked over beside her, pulling open a drawer a couple above her to remove a pair of neatly bundled socks. The fresh, clean scent of her shampoo and the proximity of her damp skin made his heart skip eagerly, so he didn't linger, fleeing instead to the safety of his bed. "I think so...but honestly, who knows with him."

Luke had been in an absolutely _great_ mood since they nailed their presentation and landed that big client a month ago. He'd even been downright pleasant to Ben at times, which was unsettling. Ben didn't really know how to conduct himself without his uncle griping at him over something or other. He told Gwen that work had become a weird hellscape. She said he was an idiot and asked him to please not mess it up because for once everyone was having a good time.

Thinking about Luke reminded him of that thing he'd been needing to talk to Rey about. An invitation from his mother he didn't think he should turn down this time.

"Hey," he said carefully. "I think we should talk about this weekend."

She gave him a wary look. "What have they all planned now?"

"No," he chuckled. "Not them. At least, I haven't heard anything."

"Good," she sighed. "I need a break."

Ben couldn't agree more. The friends were positively out of their minds with glee about Rey's _situation_ and for some reason that translated to an increased need to get together all the time now. Their enthusiasm was appreciated, mostly, but they were overwhelming. Paige would be home from her honeymoon soon, and Ben anticipated that they'd try to arrange some kind of shindig so they could hear all about Rio. He didn't care to go, but knew Rey probably would want to.

"This isn't related to any of them. It's about my family," he said after a minute.

She went very still, her hands clutching a soft pale green sweater. Rey gave him an uncertain glance over her shoulder.

"Are you okay?" he asked wryly.

"You want to tell them."

"I do." He should have already done so, two weeks ago after Paige's wedding. He should have done it three weeks ago _before_ Paige's wedding. But Ben was pretty good at shelving mental boxes and forgetting about them.

She sucked in a deep breath. "Okay."

"Really? You're alright with that?"

"It's not fair that they don't know and all our silly friends do," she acknowledged, but nibbled her bottom lip uneasily anyway. "You need to. I know you do. I'm just nervous."

"I am a little too." It was pretty big news to drop on them. Unexpected news, to say the least. "But if I'm ever going to convince my mother to stop introducing me to women, I should probably give her a concrete reason why a new relationship is a little complicated right now."

He caught the way her lips tightened, a subtle frown pulling at the corners, just before she turned away, her back to him now. "Did she bring another one around?"

"Yesterday."

"Did you like her?"

"I wasn't interested."

Her voice was way too casual, almost forced, when she said, "You can, you know. Go out with them. If you _are_ interested."

"I don't want to go out with them, Rey," he said mildly.

"I'm sure one, at least, would be understanding of the situation."

"I don't care."

She stole a tiny glance his direction, which Ben caught because he was watching her with no small degree of amusement. She couldn't be this oblivious. He'd been getting bolder in his assertions recently. The more she ceded to him, the more she drew in, closer and deeper into his daily routine, the more hints he kept dropping.

Her fatigue and nausea had curbed her libido significantly, so they hadn't been intimate very often since she'd started staying over. That provided Ben a good opportunity to drop carefully calculated remarks here and there, little comments that could almost pass beneath her notice, milder forms of the kinds of possessive things he usually babbled during sex. She couldn't mistake these as nonsense born in the heat of the moment, because there was very little heat and precious few moments.

She had to be catching on, and she hadn't gone running for the hills yet, so Ben's confidence that they could make something real of this after all was swelling daily.

"So...you want to tell your family this weekend," she prompted, changing the subject.

"I want _us_ to tell them this weekend. Come with me."

This funny little noise escaped her. Like a broken whimper. "Are you sure you can't just tell them without me?"

"Why would I want to do that?" A smirk twitched over his lips. "Like it or not, you're in this. You're going to have to face them sometime. And trust me, they're too polite to flay me alive if you're present."

"I wouldn't want you to be flayed," she said, finally laughing. "I have a vested interest in keeping you alive."

"Oh, you do?"

"I'm not going to raise this baby alone." She flashed him a wicked grin. "And you make way more money than I do, so I have financial motivation too."

Ben wondered if he would ever become immune to the deeply pleasant ache in his belly that bloomed whenever she referred to their _baby_. He smiled. "Then for the sake of your unborn, please come with me to break the news to my parents."

Rey flitted over to the bed and laid out the clothes she'd picked out at last. She let the towel puddle around her feet. "Alright, alright. I'll come."

Ben paused in the precise ritual of tying his tie, unable to stop his gaze from raking over her naked form greedily. He shouldn't, he knew he shouldn't, but some deep animal nature inside him _loved_ what was happening to her. Loved that it was because of him that was happening. Her hips were a little wider, her breasts were a little fuller, and though her stomach was still mostly flat, he could see a faint swell there. She could wear her own pants still, but she frequently reported that they were becoming uncomfortably tight, and sometimes, if she wore jeans, she looped a hairband through the button hole and over the button to give herself some stretch.

According to the app which Ben checked religiously, savoring that moment every Tuesday when it updated to report the upcoming week's development, the fetus was know about the size of a lemon. It gave him such a primal sense of pride that his offspring was growing so big. A lemon seemed _enormous_ compared to the olive he'd first read about.

It was hard to fathom how Rey hid something the size of a lemon inside her as well as she did. Then again, she was tall — he often forgot how tall, because to him, most people were just varying stages of short. Her torso was long. She had room to accommodate a lemon, and probably a lot bigger.

"Ben," she said, and his attention flicked away from her midsection guiltily. Her expression told him he'd been caught. "You're tying to activate ultrasound-vision again."

"That would be the strangest superpower ever," he decided, "but in these circumstances, incredibly useful."

The appointment yesterday had left him in another drug-like high. Doctor Holdo confirmed that Rey was in excellent health, her vitals were great, and they heard a steady, strong heartbeat. Lamentably, they didn't do another scan, but just hearing that welcome sound had sent him soaring for the rest of the day. It would sustain him until the next appointment in another month.

"You need to get a move on," Rey reminded him. "Look at the time."

He did, and sighed. "Shit. Okay."

She was a pleasant distraction to have around. Showing up late had become a habit since she started staying over.

He quickly finished his tight Windsor knot and went to the bathroom to check his hair. She followed him downstairs and watched him grab his lunch out of the fridge. Ben dithered by the door, caught in the uncertainty of how to say goodbye, like he was every morning. He wanted to grab her and kiss her. This thing they were doing, playing house like this, it really messed with his head. Sometimes he entirely forgot she wasn't his wife, and this little domestic charade wasn't their life.

"Text me if you need anything," he said instead.

She hovered in his entryway like she didn't really know what to do with herself either. "Okay."

Then in a fit of nerves, he turned and left.

No part of him, not even the tiniest fraction, wanted things to go back to how they were before. He loved having her there. He loved waking up next to her every morning, loved being part of her routines. He would never ask her to leave. But god, it was also so hard. He was trying to be cautious and careful and stick to his plan of slowly, methodically making her feel safe enough to explore her feelings, but every day dragged him closer and closer to the edge. Sometimes he had to go hide in the bathroom and breathe and calm himself down so he didn't rip open his dresser, pull out the ring, and beg her, _beg_ her to end his agony and please just be his, forever.

He didn't want to be friends anymore.

 _Friends_ was a loathsome word to use for what he felt for her.

Fuck. He had to get a hold of himself. Because worse than being her friend was being her ex-friend, the obligatory face she had to see for birthday parties or band concerts or weekend custody exchanges. And if he spooked her, if he breached the neutral zone before she was ready, that's what he would end up with.

He called his mother.

"Ben!" she trilled happily. "This is a pleasant surprise. I'm going to start class in a few minutes, so I don't have long to chat."

"That's fine. I just wanted to let you know that I am coming on Sunday."

"You are?" she sounded startled. There was a beat of silence, and then, "So what's her name?"

Because his mother knew him too well. If he'd be at the family dinner, it meant he was probably in a relationship. Except this time it wasn't so simple as that.

He sighed. "It's Rey, Mom. I'm bringing Rey."

"Oh! The wedding girl!"

"Yep, that one." His mother had been allowed exactly _two_ opportunities to interact with Rey. At Snap Wexley's wedding a couple years ago, and at Paige Tico's a couple weeks ago. Ben had made sure to keep them apart over the years. He suspected they'd get along well — his mother loved things that struggled to survive and thrived on temerity alone, and Rey loved unconventional people. It was a recipe for friendship. Ben could not afford to have them get along in a world where he and Rey were just friends, so he kept them decidedly apart.

All that was irrelevant now.

"I thought you said she was a _friend_."

"She is."

"Not a girlfriend?"

"No."

"Okay..." she waited, obviously hoping for an explanation. When it didn't come, she sighed. "Well, whatever gets you home, son. I'm happy we'll get to see you. And looking forward to getting to know Rey better."

"Mm-hmm. So we'll see you Sunday."

"Dinner will be at six-thirty. Gotta run! Class is about to start."

"Bye, Mom."

"Love you, Ben!"

And then the line went dead. Ben exhaled a tense breath. He really had no idea how this would go.

Only one way to find out.

* * *

**Sunday**

* * *

Rey fidgeted in the passenger seat. Ben had no doubt about how nervous she was.

He might have teased her about acting like she'd never met them before, but he didn't. Truth was, he felt nervous too.

"You look nice," he offered, in an attempt to break the awkward and pressing silence that existed between them in the car. It wasn't a long drive out to the country estates where his parents lived, but it might as well have been hours away for how time seemed to drag.

She did look nice. She'd fretted for a long time trying to figure out what to wear, hounding him with questions about how dressed up everyone else would be. They wouldn't, he assured her, this was supremely casual, sometimes he went in sweats. It didn't assuage her. In the end she'd chosen a cute blue dress that artfully treaded the line between nice and casual. It hugged her slim frame flatteringly, but didn't do much to disguise the barely-there curve of her lower abdomen. Ben didn't think she knew it looked a little more obvious in that dress. He didn't tell her, because it gave him a thrill of fear and excitement. Over the dress she wore an oversized chunky knit sweater for warmth. It was a good combo.

"Thanks," she said softly. She hugged to her middle now a little basket containing a jar of her homemade strawberry jam and a loaf of her homemade bread. His parents wouldn't know what this kind of gesture meant, coming from Rey, but he hoped they'd be gracious and thankful anyway. Giving food was one of Rey's love languages. Ben knew that her decision to bring these things was a signal that she was ready to embrace his family with her whole heart, if they'd let her.

He couldn't think of anything else to say as they drove up the lane, through the seven sprawling acres of manicured lawn and beloved woods. It was the perfect place to get lost in as a child, pretending to be an adventurer on an epic quest. He had loved growing up here, until he got to be a teenager and learned how pretentious it was and how the other students at his fancy prep school liked to compare their parents wealth like it was a reflection of their own accomplishments.

That's when Ben had started to resent being the son of a big wig politico and her archeologist husband.

Thankfully Rey didn't gasp or croon her admiration for the big house or its beautiful land like some of the other girls he'd brought home. But then, she'd been here before. He'd brought her a couple times when his parents were out of town and asked him to come feed their dog. They'd even fooled around once in his old bedroom, thoroughly defiling the vestiges of his childhood. He'd particularly relished that act, roughly taking her on the fine bedspread his mother had never let him soil, watching their combined fluids spill onto it. Rey had tried to clean it up after. Ben didn't let her try very long.

Yeah, he definitely still had some unresolved issues.

Rey didn't seem to mind them, though. And right now it was clear none of his issues were playing through her mind. Her eyes wandered over to the front door of his house and there glued, her face going decidedly pale.

"Doing okay?" he asked softly.

She shivered. "Do you think they're going to be angry?"

"Not at you." He meant this to sound reassuring, but she just darted a disturbed look at him. His mouth twisted in a wry grin. "No, Rey, I don't think they'll be _angry_. Surprised, certainly, but not angry. What would be the point?"

"There wasn't a point for Rose to be angry at us, but she was."

Ah. Rose. The relationship between the two women had...suffered...since Poe's party. Rey said it was fine, that it was just Rose being Rose, but Ben knew better. He saw that Rey was uncomfortable. She'd declined Rose's offer to come help her make the jam. She had fun with Rose at the wedding, and they'd had good moments since, but things were different. Rose had crossed a line, and Rey wasn't ready to open back up yet.

Ben figured they'd work it out eventually. Rey didn't try to talk to him about what was going on, so he didn't pry.

But he knew his role right now, and that was to throw Rose under the goddamn bus if that would reassure her. "Rose was way out of line. And tactless. Trust me, however my family feels about it privately, they have too many manners to say that kind of nonsense. They might get worked up, but they'd never talk like that."

She pursed her lips. Yeah, she didn't believe him. But she did find some vein of steel within herself because he watched her draw herself up, set her jaw, and nod in resolve.

"Okay. Let's go."

Ben scrambled out of the car and around to her side, opening the door just as she was trying to open it herself. She gave him a funny look as she got out. He smiled and took her hand. Her gaze dropped to his grasp.

He kept his voice light. "Do you mind? Makes me feel a little braver."

She gave him a skeptical look. "No..."

So he kept her warm little hand in his as they walked up the steps to the big doors. Just before he could open them, however, they were thrown open from within and his mother stood there with a huge grin.

"You're here!"

Ben startled. "Jeezus, Mom, were you watching us from the window?"

"Nevermind," she dismissed, throwing herself at him in a huge hug. "You're finally home."

Rey's hand slipped out of his and she stepped back to give them some room. He rolled his eyes and hugged his mother back, exasperated by her effusive love, but grateful for it too.

When she finally let him go, he motioned to Rey.

"Mom, you remember—"

"Yes, of course I do." She pulled Rey into a hug next, forcing the younger woman to hastily move the basket out of the way so it wasn't crushed between them. The hold wasn't quite as squeezy-tight as his, but warm and genuine nonetheless. "How are you, Rey? It's lovely to see you again."

"Y-you too," Rey said breathlessly. Ben could see how she was trying to resist the power of the hug. He knew how hopeless she was for a good fond embrace like that. They always made her melt.

Eventually his mother let go and Rey held the basket out to her.

"These are for you," she said.

A brief flicker of surprise ran over his mother's face, followed by intrigue and undeniable pleasure. She took the basket with appropriate reverence. "This is incredibly thoughtful of you. Thank you."

"She made those," Ben said, lest she mistake the magnitude of the gesture.

His mother smiled at him. "I guessed that. Remarkably resourceful, aren't you, Rey? I love it. Come on inside, both of you."

She turned, happily carrying her basket and leading them in. This time Rey's hand found his of her own accord, and she stepped in close as they followed in behind his mother.

They found Ben's father in the kitchen, picking blueberries out of a bowl. When Han saw his son, he merely gave him a chin thrust of acknowledgement and grunted, "Hey, kid."

Leia made a low disapproving sound, so Han's attention flitted to her, and then to Rey. He jerked upright and ran a hand through his hair. "Oh! Sorry, didn't realize we had company." He came over. "Hey, I remember you. We've met before, haven't we? At Nora's boy's wedding?"

"Han, her name is Rey," Leia reminded him.

He gave her an offended look. "I remember!"

Ben was pretty sure he didn't.

He grinned at Rey. "Howya been?"

Rey smiled. Ben didn't know how she'd managed to get along so well with this father at Snap's wedding, but he remembered that the two of them were regular old pals by the end of the night.

"I'm great," she told Han with some energy. "How's the world of archeology?"

He waved a dismissive hand. "Bah. Same old same old. 'Bout as exciting as reading about others discovering dusty ole jars can be."

"Aw," she said with a grin, "You mean it's not like Indiana Jones all the time?"

He laughed. "Oh man! I don't think Leia would let me leave the house if it were. That guy got all the ladies."

"And all the curses and the murder-attempts," Leia reminded him acidly.

Han laughed again.

"Where's Artu?" Ben asked, looking around. The kitchen smelled heavily of roasting garlic and bread and heaven. "Smells like there's pizza in the oven."

"He stepped out for a minute to take a call," said his father. "And you're right on the money."

His mother patted his arm. "I'm running an experiment to see if having your favorite food on the table will persuade you to come home more often."

Ben's mouth was already watering in anticipation. "It might work."

If he could smell the pizzas, though, he knew Rey must be drowning in it. He glanced at her and she gave him a thin smile. Yep, she was having some trouble. He tugged her away and out of the kitchen. "Come on, let's find somewhere to sit."

His parents followed them to the living room. Ben chose the loveseat for the two of them, his parents sat on the sofa. Rey's eyes wandered around the collected pieces of art or pottery from various cultures adorning the walls and bookshelves and tables. Tokens of Han's work, though none of them priceless originals. He always demanded those be kept in the cultures they came from, whenever possible.

"When is Luke coming?" Ben asked his parents.

"Any minute," said his mother smoothly. "No work talk, please."

"Trust me, that's what I want, too." He stretched his arm over the back of the couch behind Rey, reclining a little. "How's the academic life, Mom?"

"Stimulating," she said happily. His mother was far too well-suited to the political games of academia after making a career out of bigger political games. Her attention turned to Rey with bright interest. "But we already know about all of that. Rey, tell me about you. Remind me, you work in...advertising?"

Rey shifted. Ben was stupidly aware of the empty inches between them on the couch and how her knee still managed to brush against his despite them.

"Yes, I'm a freelancer. I write advertising copy for several different businesses."

"Fascinating! I imagine you're quite in demand."

"For smaller businesses, yes. Larger ones usually have their own copywriters in house."

Rey was confident when she talked about her work. This was an area where she was comfortably skilled and knew it. Ben was glad to see her relaxing. His parents asked her questions about what kind of things she wrote, what kinds of businesses she'd done work for recently, how she advertised her own services, and Rey answered them all.

Ben's mother sat back, thoroughly pleased. "I'm impressed. Looks like you've built yourself a thriving little business."

Rey smiled, full and big and unrestrained. "Thank you. I am proud of it."

"And what about your family?" Leia asked. "Are they back in England?"

"Oh, I don't have — a family," she said, stumbling a little. Ben had heard her deflect this comment a hundred times. He'd never heard her stagger around it like it was some great secret. But even more surprising than the stumble was how fully she opened up afterwards. "I was a foster child. Back there. Not from a good home, either. So I haven't really looked back since I got here. My friends have become my family."

"Hey, I was one too," Han said, leaning forward. "We're made of tough stuff, we street urchins, aren't we?"

Rey grinned, sitting up with an excited, eager look. "I like to think we are."

Ben approved of what was happening here. His father (why did Ben never remember that his father had a similar upbringing to Rey's?) had reacted perfectly well to her little reveal of an unhappy childhood, with neither pity or shock. Both his parents, actually, were behaving better than he could have wished. This was important because Ben this time, Ben actually cared very much that they approved of the girl he'd brought home. Before, he didn't. But the stakes were higher for him this time, because his ideal future included Rey in it, and that had never happened with anyone else. If he could work everything out right, his family would be seeing a lot more of her...for the rest of time.

But the chime of the doorbell came ringing through the house, interrupting the good, natural flow. Ben begrudged his uncle for still insisting on it, even after all these years, even though this was the house of his twin. He'd never felt comfortable just opening the door and walking in. Maybe he'd accidentally seen something he shouldn't have once, and had made this rule for himself ever since. Ben had no idea why else he'd still ring every damn time. Even when he was expected.

But when his mother stood to go answer it, an idea formed in his mind, so rapidly and so forcefully he didn't even stop to ask whether or not it was a good one before he was on his feet and he blurted, "Wait, Mom!"

She paused, looking back at him in surprise.

"Let Dad get it," he said quickly. "I wanted to talk to you about something before they get in here."

"Now?" Her surprise compounded.

Han frowned. "Wait a minute, am I being kept in the dark about something again?"

"For all you know it might be about your birthday," Leia told him.

"Yeah right," he grumbled, but headed off towards the entry hall anyway.

Ben took Rey's hand and pulled her to her feet. Her eyes met his with wary curiosity. He smiled a little before turning back to his mother. "Can we maybe talk in your office?"

Her attention danced briefly to Rey, her brows lifting further still, but she nodded and led them across the living room to her private office. It was basically a library, with wall to wall bookshelves and a desk in the middle, affording a nice view out to the garden from her one enormous window. There was a soft window seat there, which she'd always called her reading nook.

She closed the door behind them. "Well this is different," she remarked.

"It's not about Dad's birthday," Ben told her, before she could jump to that conclusion again.

She laughed. "I didn't think so. Alright then, Ben, what's so important?"

For all her lovingly meddlesome ways, his mother had always been his biggest, unfailingly supportive champion. She had always pushed him to be better, cheered his accomplishments, comforted him in his valleys. Even, and maybe especially, when he didn't want it. When he tried to shut her out. She deserved to hear this news first and have her own private reaction, without the crush of everyone else around her.

So why was he all the sudden so damn nervous?

His heart skipped a beat and he glanced at Rey. She was hugging the sweater a little tighter around her, trying to make herself small.

"So..." he started, and immediately floundered. How did one just _say_ this kind of thing? No wonder Rey had hesitated for so long before finally spitting it out in the restaurant. It was surprisingly difficult.

His mother regarded him wordlessly and said nothing. She waited. It didn't really make it any easier.

"Mom, Rey is...pregnant," he said, then added awkwardly, "It's mine."

A moment. A silence. A single brow lifted, and then the second. Surprise and — a flash of a smile, artfully concealed a moment later. She gave Ben a wonderful shrewd look. "Was this a planned event?"

"Definitely not," he said. "We...got sick...we spent the quarantine together..."

His mother nodded. "I remember you told me that you shared it with a friend. I didn't realize you meant you shared it like _this_."

Still, there was no reproach in her words. Whatever reaction she was having, she hid it well. Ben waited, because surely there had to be more than his big reveal than this.

Her attention turned to Rey, who stood resolutely, if still shakily, beside him. Leia came forward and took Rey's hands, both of them, leading her over to the window seat. They sat down together.

"What do _you_ feel about this, dear?" she asked softly. "If it wasn't the plan, I imagine it was a pretty big shock."

Rey slowly released a shuddering breath. "It was. Ben and I aren't...we're not really a couple. It was supposed to be casual."

Leia nodded, her expression gentle. "You must have been terrified."

"I was. I — am. I'm still really scared. But I wanted the two of us to decide together, and we decided to...to go ahead and...embrace the unexpected." Her hazel eyes lifted, meeting Ben's. His heart pulsed with longing as she offered him a tentative smile.

Leia's smile was a lot bigger. Still, it was soft and kind. "You are brave, my girl. I know my opinion doesn't matter, but for what it's worth, I am very happy."

Rey's lip quivered and her eyes grew glassy as she tried to hold back tears. She shook her head, unable to form a reply.

Ben's mother leveled him with an interested look. "So you came here tonight to tell everyone?"

He nodded.

She still addressed him, but put a hand on Rey's arm. "Smart thinking, telling me first. I'll be on your side out there."

"So you aren't angry?" Rey managed to ask. Ben could hear her relief and bewilderment both loud and clear. "That's we're not...?"

"Oh, that?" Leia laughed lightly. "Why should I be mad? That's up to you two. Either you want him or you don't. You know your mind better than anyone else, so I don't see any use getting worked up about your choices. Besides, I had almost given up hope of grandkids entirely. I don't care if you're married or together, just as long as you let me be in this sweet baby's life."

"Of course you will!" Rey gasped, choking a little on her emotions. "I want you to be. I want all of you."

His mother's soft smile returned. "I don't imagine this is easy for you. And it's perfectly alright to be afraid. But don't you worry. Whatever you are to Ben, this family will take care of you and your little one."

Rey _did_ break then, putting her head in her hands when the tears spilled over and her shoulders began to heave in soft sobs. This wasn't strictly hormones, Ben knew, but the product of a deep, ancient hunger in her. He moved to comfort her, but his mother was already gathering Rey into her arms and brushing her hair in soft, soothing strokes.

"It's going to be okay, my dear. You're alright. I remember how scared and alone I was when I found out Ben was coming. My mother died when I was a kid, and my aunt, who I loved like a mother, died before I got married. I felt like I had no one to help me through it. I won't let that be you, understand? I'm right here."

Ben was suddenly and powerfully overwhelmed with regret. Regret that he had ever resented his mother, that he had ever tried to shrug her out of his life. He regretted all those missed dinners. All those times when he'd brushed off her attempts to reconnect. He ought to have been a better son. She deserved a better son. He should have spent his whole life paying for the gratitude he felt in this moment right here. Right now. He wondered if he'd ever loved her more. She didn't even know Rey, yet she was willing to embrace her and bring her into her heart just like that.

To love the girl that Ben loved.

She motioned for him to come sit by her, and he did, instantly. She took both their hands in hers and held them tight, leaning her head on Ben's shoulder. "My giant, hopeless boy. What are we going to do with you? Are you ready to be a dad? How do you feel about all this?"

"He's crazy happy," Rey laughed through her tears.

"I am," Ben admitted, meeting her gaze with a sheepish smile. "I don't know about _ready_ , but I'm not sorry it happened."

Leia chuckled. "You know, you would have saved yourself a lot of awkward introductions if you'd just told me you were working on getting me that grandbaby."

"I wasn't working on it," he said. "But yeah, if you could stop bringing other women around right now, that'd be great."

"Oh, it's done. I don't need to see you married to get what I wanted."

Rey laughed again, wiping away the last of her tears. Ben leaned his cheek against his mother's head. He felt warm with love and relief and gladness.

Until there came a knock at the door and his father poked his head into the room. He looked startled to see them.

"What, you came in here just to have a big cuddle session? Some of us are hungry, you know. And the pizzas are done."

"Go to the table," Leia chided affectionately. "We're coming."

He grumbled. Leia let go of both Ben and Rey and drifted off after him, waving her hands and admonishing him about patience and politeness. Ben stood. Rey immediately stepped into him, burying her face into his chest and wrapping her arms tight around his middle.

Ben was surprised, but deeply pleased. He held her. "Are you alright?"

"I think I love your mom," she said, muffled into his shirt.

He did too. "That went better than you thought?"

"Better than I ever dreamed." She pulled away from him. "Why haven't you let us hang out with her before?"

"Because I didn't want either of you to get attached if we didn't have a future together," he said honestly.

Her eyes widened. He let the implications of that statement fall where it would, leading her out of the room by the hand once more.

* * *

Luke and Mara both vaguely remembered Rey from Snap's wedding too. They were polite and friendly. Luke's good mood was still holding up, which Ben was glad about. His uncle didn't have that worn-out, sour look on his face he often wore. A few minutes into dinner and conversation, and he was looking downright pleasant.

Weird.

Mara was her genial, outgoing self. When Rey expressed her surprise at the quality of the pizza, Mara was the one who laughed and told her not to compliment anyone here for it, because none of them made it themselves. It was their hired cook.

Rey gave Ben scandalized look. "You grew up with a _cook_?"

"You haven't tasted my mom's cooking," he said. "Trust me, we were all happy the day she finally hired Artu."

Han and Luke agreed, and Leia punched each of their arms in turn, throwing them dirty looks.

"How did you learn, then?" Rey asked.

Ben shrugged. "I hung out with Artu. He's funny."

"He's got a terrible mouth on him," Luke remarked, shaking his head. "Absolutely filthy. Ben would say the worst things after spending an evening in the kitchen."

Han laughed. "I remember that! Wow, kiddo, you used to say some wild things. But the food was too good, so we never did get mad at Artu about it."

"Oh, I can support that," Rey said enthusiastically. She was on her third slice by then. Her appetite was better than Ben had seen it in weeks. "Food is much more important than language."

"Did you know Rey made us a loaf of bread _and_ a jar of jam?" Leia cut in.

Mara and Luke looked at her in surprise. Rey blushed. "I like to make stuff," she said. "But not like...meals. Just stuff. Ben's a way better cook."

But none of Ben's family was interested in hearing about his culinary exploits. They wanted to know about how she learned to bake and make and do all the unusual things she did. She told them. Eventually it led to her fooding hoarding, and how she grew up food insecure, and Ben was amazed at how willingly she told them — though she kept back the stuff about the abuse and severe neglect. She smoothly transitioned it to the quarantine and how it had gotten her and Ben through it without needing to panic buy anything.

Leia kept meeting Ben's eye throughout the evening, tossing him these meaningful little glances. In those Ben could see her _true_ feelings, carefully held back in the office. Her dark eyes sparkled and she couldn't resist smiling these private little smiles. Ben realized she wasn't just happy, she was _ecstatic_.

Eventually they finished off the pizzas and his mother went to get them the desserts from the kitchen. She brought out a platter of delicate fruit parfaits in champagne flutes and passed them around. As she sat down, she gave Ben a significant look.

 _Now_.

He glanced between his aunt, uncle, and father. Their moods were excellent. Hopefully he wasn't about to disrupt them.

When the conversation lulled, he cleared his throat and announced, "So, I've got some big news."

"You've decided to go on the trip after all," Luke said eagerly, leaning forward.

"No." Ben frowned.

"What trip?" Rey asked.

He gave her a subtle shake of the head. He didn't want to get into that topic right now.

Luke, apparently, had no issue with it. "Our new clients want Ben to go down there for a couple weeks to head up the roll-out of this new campaign. Work with their marketing department. The whole thing."

Rey blinked, frowning just a little. She glanced back at Ben again. "You love to go on those trips."

"Exactly," Luke said with heated validation. "Never given me pushback before."

Ben huffed an impatient breath. "Can we just — drop that, for a second? I wanted to talk about something else."

Leia cut her brother a stern look. "We established at the last dinner that there was to be no shop talk at the table."

"Sorry," Luke muttered.

"Go ahead, Ben," Mara said encouragingly. "We're listening now."

He'd already gotten the support of the person who mattered most. This was merely a formality so he didn't have to deal with the headache of each of them finding out from somebody else and then being offended by it. So he didn't have any trouble finding the words this time.

"Rey and I are having a baby together."

"Well that's a bad plan," he father laughed. "Why would you do that? And when are you planning to have one?"

"In October."

His father's face blanked. "Wait. That's..."

Ben rolled his eyes. "She's expecting, Dad. Right now. I didn't mean we _want_ to have a baby together, I said we _are_."

The silence that followed was brief, but profound. And then three people started shouting at once.

Luke had leapt to his feet, eyes practically bugging out of his head. He gestured around wildly, demanding to know how Ben could possibly think this was a good idea, why he'd put the cart before the horse, what would this mean for his career. Mara was a lot more excited, a thousand bewildered questions bubbling out of her. His father was shaking his head in disbelief and talking right over them both, asking how come Ben never paid attention when Han was trying to tell him all about the birds and the bees and using protection.

His mother was trying to get them all to quiet down.

Rey glanced at Ben, and he at her. A breathless little laugh escaped her, and a huge grin. Ben laughed too. It was like throwing a stone into a pond full of geese, and now they were all indignant and aflutter.

"One at a damn time," Leia groused loudly enough to shut the other three up. "Good gravy. Calm down and raise your objections one at a time."

"No, no objections from me!" Mara said. She put a hand on Rey's arm. "I think it's wonderful! A baby!"

Rey ventured a sweet little smile.

"Wonderful?" Luke demanded from his wife, eyes still wide and astonished. "Ben can't support a baby!"

"I can," Ben said smoothly. "But if you want to give me a raise, that would help."

"Is _this_ why you don't want to go on the trip? Afraid you'll miss something important? It's just two weeks!"

"Who cares about that?" Han cut in, waving Luke down. "Ben, kid, look. When you say you're having a kid _together..._ you guys getting married, then?"

"No," said Ben. _Not yet_.

"Well why the hell not? I always told you to find an orphan, didn't I? So you only had to deal with one family. And look! You found one. And she's great. _We_ all like her, right, guys? See, we do. And she's gonna wreck her body for the sake of _your_ kid. So what's your problem?"

Leia grabbed his forearm in a tight grip. "It doesn't matter."

"Of course it does! I wanna make sure my son does the honorable thing here. He doesn't knock a girl up and then walk away. He was raised better than that."

"You're so old fashioned," she sniped right back. "He's not walking away. He can be involved without a certificate. You don't get to care about what happens after that. You just get to be a grandpa, so stop complaining."

His father's face registered blank shock for the second time that evening. Suddenly his mouth slanted in a crooked grin. "Hey... Yeah. That's great! I'm gonna be a — wait a minute, I'm not old enough to be—" he frowned again and pointed at Ben. "What did you do?"

Rey laughed. Music amidst the mayhem.

"This seems incredible irresponsible," Luke insisted. "This isn't the order—"

"What the hell is the matter with you two?" Leia snapped at him. "You and Han acting like this is the eighteen hundreds. Honestly, you geezers, non-traditional families are everywhere. If Ben wants to make a non-traditional family with Rey, that's none of your business."

Ben sat back and let all their reactions wash around him. His mother's dogged determination, his father's conflicted excitement and outrage, Luke's indignation, Mara's wistful envy. None of it touched him. That little gnarl of rebelliousness in him, that nasty something that provoked him to defy their expectations when he could, it made him peacefully immune to this scene. He was glad.

He attacked his dessert with gusto, then.

"Did you know about this?" Han said to Leia.

"They just told me before dinner."

"And you're fine with it?"

"Yes, I am. You're not?"

"Well..." he looked disturbed. "I don't know. Give me a minute."

Leia snorted. "For what? What are you doing to do if you decide you're not fine with it? There's a baby on the way, Han. Your son's baby. Either get on board or don't, but it's happening regardless."

Luke sat down. His attention turned uncertainly to Rey. She still hadn't touched her parfait. None of them had, except Ben, who was enjoying his quite a lot.

"I apologize for flying off the handle," he said. Mara gave him an approving nod.

"It's okay," said Rey. "Trust me, I understand the shock."

"How are _you_ doing with it?" he asked.

She smiled bravely. "It's an adjustment. But I think I'm okay."

"Holy smokes," Han interjected. "Ben! You should have told us! Here we are with a house reeking like garlic. That used to make your mom spew all over the place, remember, Leia?"

She gave a humorless laugh. "You have such a charming way with words, my dear."

"No, don't worry," Rey assured him, grinning now. "Really, that part's getting a little better."

Not by much. She was being generous.

* * *

The initial shock started to wear off and everybody calmed down little by little. Their questions were less heated, Leia's reassurances more heard, and eventually they all settled enough to eat their desserts and kept discussing the big revelation without so much passion.

When they finally left that night, Rey seemed happy. And Ben was...satisfied. Yes, satisfied would be right.

The feeling in the car was so different from how it had been when they left. The silence didn't carry any of the earlier awkwardness, only contentment.

"So that went well," he said after a while.

"I really like your family," she said.

Good. That was very good.

"You fit in really naturally with them," he said.

She stared out the window, her face distant and thoughtful. She didn't say anything for a while. And then, softly, she said, "I'm glad our baby will be loved."

"Very," Ben agreed. "Smothered, maybe. I know they were all shocked tonight, but trust me, my dad's a marshmallow and Mara's mush for babies. Luke is Luke, but he's not all that bad, in the end."

She hummed a soft little laugh. When it died away, silence followed for another few minutes. Ben would give anything to know what was in her head. Eventually she sucked in a slow, unsteady breath and said, "Ben, I...I don't really know how to _do_ families. I don't know what that looks like."

"I know." His voice dropped, soft and gentle. "Luckily you're coming into one where we're all kind of bad at it. So you can't really do it wrong."

She gave him a funny look. He didn't even realize what he'd said until she reminded him gently, "I'm not really part of it, though. The baby is."

"My mom said they'd treat you as one of us anyway," he hedged. "I'm pretty sure the actual creator of the newest Skywalker-Solo gets honorary membership."

She thought about that for a while. Then added, "Your mom asked if she could take me shopping for maternity clothes."

A shock of realization swept through him. That little swell at her middle, of course he knew it would grow, but he didn't think about her needing...official _clothes_. Every new step on this path was a bizarre and stunning confirmation that all of this was very, very real.

"I want to go with her," she continued, oblivious. "It sounds fun. And don't think you got out of it, by the way. We need to talk about your business trip."

"What? Why?" Ben gave her a bewildered glance.

"Because you love those trips."

"So?"

"Why aren't you going?"

He frowned. "Because I don't want to."

"But why? Is it because of me?"

"Yes." He didn't see a reason to hide it. Every day it was harder and harder to suppress the urge to sweep away the last name she despised so much and replace it with his own, but he was happy. He didn't want any of that to change by going out of town.

"Ben," she protested. "Nothing is going to happen in the two weeks you're away. I really don't want you to stay on my account. I really, really don't want that."

He sighed. "You really want me to go?"

"I do. Because I know you want to."

"I will go on one condition."

He shot her a challenging glance.

She lifted a brow. "What condition?"

"You have to stay at my place the whole time I'm gone."

She laughed, surprised. "Why?"

"What do you mean 'why?' You get what you want: for me to go and pretend my life isn't completely upended. And I'll get what I want: for you to make my home your home."

He could feel her eyes on him, but he watched the dark road running on before him, waiting for her answer.

Finally, she spoke.

"Okay. Deal."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> **Next Up:**  
>  Avocado and Cucumber weeks, and "gratitude." Maybe a gender reveal depending on word count. Rey POV again.


	10. Brave Enough

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Rey is a wreck. Ben is grateful.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I promise, friends, this is our most angsty chapter, and only because Rey has to be forced into facing her feelings, but I also promise it isn't drawn out and it resolves by the end of the chapter! Don't hate me! A little pain is good for growth.
> 
> Also this chapter is hella long. I was gonna break it up, buuuuuut some of you said you didn't mind gigantic chapters, and I didn't really want to split it, so here you go.

**CHAPTER** **TEN: Brave Enough**

* * *

SIXTEEN WEEKS — AVOCADO

Rey couldn't sleep anymore.

She tossed around at night, her mind stubbornly awake, her body aching in new, uncomfortable ways. _Round ligament pain_ , the app said. _Insomnia_ , the app said. Both normal. Both expected. Both unwelcome developments in a time when Rey really wanted to be blessedly ignorant of the long, empty nocturnal hours and the silence in which she was the only one breathing.

Because Ben's room was a sepulcher in the darkness, and she the restless departed entombed within it.

She couldn't have anticipated how difficult it would be. She'd slept alone all her life, except for those brief encounters with other men, and except for these recent weeks when she had an insatiable need to be with him. But now sleeping alone felt frightful and foreign. Ben's bed was horribly huge and empty without him in it. And Rey's heart felt equally vast and bereft.

She tried to doze, and kept having maddening dreams that he was home, walking through the door to slide in beside her, hold her close, his mere presence the balm to soothe her aching body. She'd wake from these with soft moans of frustration and despair, because he wasn't coming.

Rey had to keep reminding herself that this trip was her idea, not his. He wanted to stay. She wanted him to keep living his life. If she now suffocated in an ocean of loneliness without him, well, that was her own goddamn fault.

The truth was, Rey loved being at Ben's house. She loved that he'd allowed her to disrupt his life and nest in his space, even seemed to encourage it at times. She liked being around him. She always had, of course (he _was_ her favorite person) but now it surged to a whole new level. She didn't just like being around him. She needed it. And she loved being in his world.

But she loved it a little less without him there. The house was a little more hollow, a little more hostile, a little less cozy. She thought maybe that was the reason she felt so weird and lonely, so she tried going home to her apartment for a few hours. But that was even worse. She couldn't understand it. This place she had known for years, had made into her comfortable, secure, well-stocked home, it felt alien and wrong. She couldn't sit on her couch without thinking of Ben and their quarantine. She couldn't be in her kitchen without wishing he were there to eat with.

Turned out, it wasn't at all hard to keep her promise to stay at Ben's place when puttering around her own for a couple hours made her feel like she needed to crawl out of her own skin. So she gathered up more of her things and went back. And even though it was still silent and empty, it was a relief, too. At least in Ben's house she wasn't constantly looking at the places where they had become gods and joined together in an act of holy creation. And at least in Ben's house she could go around smelling his presence everywhere.

The smell thing was fucking _weird_.

Rey knew it, but she couldn't help it, either. Her nausea had receded, which felt like a true miracle, but her sense of smell remained dialed up to eleven. At least the various olfactory assaults didn't send her hurtling into pukesville anymore. She could almost pretend to ignore the information her nose sent her all the time. Except when it came to Ben.

It was embarrassing, really. What his scent did to her. She felt like some kind of animal, sniffing for traces of him everywhere. One day she pawed through his bathroom and found the cologne he sometimes wore. She put it on herself so she could pretend he was around.

That…proved to be a mistake.

Because as her nausea receded and her energy came back (second trimester heaven!) her body became _hungry_. Not just for food, though she happily indulged her renewed and unhindered appetite, but for touch. For pleasure. For relief. She felt like an exposed nerve. A live wire. Full of desperate need that zipped through her veins on electric currents, concentrating between her legs. And she assumed it was just yet another symptom of pregnancy, but she was so _wet_ all the time. Like a teenager. Lewd fantasies played through her head way more often than they had any right to, and she found herself constantly sitting on the edge of lust.

Just her luck, then, that she'd sent away her favorite lay right when her libido kicked into overdrive.

The night after she'd worn his cologne all day, the scent of it still lingering on her skin while she rolled around trying and failing to sleep, she kept replaying memories of Ben and their various encounters. Tonight her mind fixated on one tumble in particular, when he'd been incredibly stressed with work and texted to ask if she could help him blow off some steam. They did that sometimes. She remembered how deliciously dominant he was during that encounter, how he held her down as he dined on her like a man starving, how he poured all his pent up emotions into fucking the living daylights out of her. God, she'd loved that one. Ben was so worshipful all the time, so masterful and deliberate and collected, and she loved it, but it absolutely drove her wild when he lost control like that. She'd come so hard she'd actually seen stars.

How her body _burned_ with the need for that right now. To see him come undone, his eyes blazing with madness and lust for _her_. To hold him while he quaked and whimpered through his unbearably powerful release. She didn't even care if she got off herself (she would, of course she would, Ben had never, not once, left her unattended) so long as she got to watch him unravel.

The agony of her need became too dire to ignore. So she tried to take care of it herself. Tried to work her own thin fingers in efficient, utilitarian strokes. But it wasn't working. It always had before — sure, her own touch wasn't nearly so satisfying at Ben's clever fingers, but she still knew her body and its needs and how to meet them. And it should have been so easy right now, with how close to the edge she already was. But it didn't work, she couldn't get there, and soon her eyes were full of frustrated tears.

She thought about calling Ben to see if he could talk her off. But they'd never done that before. She didn't know what he'd think about it. She thought about asking him to send her a picture. But they'd never done that either. And it was embarrassing.

She tried to bury her face in his pillow, to pretend he was there, that he was the one touching her where she so urgently needed it, but even that failed to get her over the edge. It wasn't enough. She'd been sleeping in his bed for too many days now. The smell of him was diluted with the smell of her. She found the clothes she'd worn earlier today, the ones carrying his cologne, but that wasn't right either. It was too chemical. She needed that elusive mix of his laundry detergent and a little bit of Ben's own natural body musk, his pheromones. It wasn't until she staggered into his closet and clutched one of his shirts to her nose that she found what she was looking for. She inhaled deeply, closing her eyes to pretend he was here with her, sliding his fingers into her, pressing the heel of his hand roughly against her clit. She came hard, with a muffled cry and brief relief.

And then she sank down onto the floor and sobbed.

Because she didn't know what the hell had come over her. Because she was pretty sure this wasn't what he meant when he asked her to stay over. Because he'd been so kind and so good and so supportive and she didn't want him to think he only meant something to her as a means to an orgasm. He meant so much more to her than that.

And most of all, because she just really fucking _missed_ Ben.

In the morning, she tried to tell herself it was just some leftover evolutionary drive. Some primal, ancient need to keep close to her mate during her most vulnerable time. That he would protect and provide. Maybe there was some truth to that, but it wasn't the whole reason. Her feelings for him went beyond evolution, and beyond hormones. Without him around, all her defense mechanisms were starting to give way, and she saw how deep her affections ran, and how long they'd been there.

During the day, she tried to focus on work. Mostly she succeeded. She went out with Jess, Tallie, and Jannah for dinner a couple times. That was a decent distraction. The other women were mystified over Rey's choice to go through with the pregnancy despite all logic, but they were nonetheless supportive. And Rey appreciated that they mostly talked about other things. Their lives. The world at large. She needed to get out of her own head, and they were good for that. They asked her if she'd hung out with Rose recently. She had tried once. They met up for lunch one day. But Rose had been excited about Rey's yet small, but certainly more noticeable belly, and tried to touch it. Rey didn't like that at all. She didn't really want anyone touching her that way, except Ben. She took it as a sign that her friend still wasn't quite ready for boundaries. So she didn't tell Rose that she was pretty much living at Ben's place. She would have read into it, would have wanted to know why, and Rey didn't want to get into that with her.

So mostly she stayed in. She took baths in Ben's huge tub to alleviate some of the aching, stretching feelings in her sides and back. She fidgeted in sleepless irritation on his bed. She worked and baked and filled his kitchen with a ridiculous amount of food.

"Ben asked me to come check on you," Gwen said one evening when she stopped by after work.

Rey didn't know why. They spoke on the phone every day. She didn't tell him how much she was struggling.

"I'm fine," she laughed.

Gwen didn't even almost believe the lie. "Can I come in?"

Rey wasn't particularly close with Hux's sister. They were definitely friends, but they'd never hung out like this. Ben was a lot closer to her because of work. Rey didn't really know what to do with herself. But she wasn't rude enough to say no, so she let Gwen enter her sad little kingdom.

She didn't stay long. They talked for a little bit, about Ben, about the job he was doing out there, about how Rey was doing. Gwen saw the kitchen littered with baked goods. Rey gave her an armload of things to take with her. At the end, Gwen told her that if she ever got bored, she was welcome to come work at Ben's office. It was empty with him gone, and Luke probably wouldn't even notice.

So she did. And, Luke did.

Rey wasn't even working very efficiently, staring around Ben's private office with all this personal affects, wondering why she'd gone mad, because she couldn't stop thinking about him, when Luke poked his head in.

"Hey," he said with curiosity. "My assistant told me a weird girl was just sitting in Ben's office. Didn't realize you were coming in."

"Gwen invited me," she said awkwardly.

But Luke didn't seem angry or annoyed. "A freelancer writer sitting in an office. It's like a wild animal came to spend the day in the zoo."

That made her laugh. "Sometimes a change of scene is nice."

His greying beard twitched with his smile. "How are you feeling?"

"Pretty good these days."

He nodded. "That's good news. Mara was asking about you. How'd your day with Leia go?"

"It went great. Your sister is great."

Luke laughed. "She's got an incentive to be nice to you. She's not that nice to everyone."

Rey didn't believe him. But it made her feel good anyway.

Leia was her one saving grace in the grueling weeks — two, that got extended to three — while Ben was gone.

She was _wonderful_. She took Rey shopping for maternity clothes and afterwards they got a bite to eat. It had been one of the best experiences she'd had in a long time. Leia was kind, and warm, and brilliant. Rey really loved talking to her. She loved hearing about her previous career, about all the scandalous secrets behind many prominent political figures, and about Leia's academic career. Leia talked about her personal life too. She opened up about her own childhood trauma. The grief of losing her mother, how she was never close to her father the way Luke was, how her aunt and uncle had become her surrogate parents. She spoke so candidly, it made Rey feel safe and wanted. Like Leia was happy to be with her too.

In fact, by the end of the day, Rey felt so safe she started to venture those questions she hadn't dared ask anyone before. About pregnancy. About newborns. The most important of which:

"Was Ben a big baby?"

A few nights ago she'd made the mistake of ignoring her instincts and reading about the birth process. She hadn't been able to sleep, as usual, and her mind started to race ahead to what was to come. The unknown felt scarier in that moment than knowing, so she'd googled it. And regretted it. The gut-wrenching horror of what her body would have to _do_ left her in a picked flop sweat. Her browsing data then told the internet it would be a good idea to send her suggestions for birth videos to watch, but just seeing the thumbnails made Rey want to leapt out of her own body and run for the hills. She didn't watch them.

Ben was an enormous man. If this baby had his genetics, she didn't know how she was going to survive trying to get it out of her. The fear made her feel trapped, like she was on a speeding train headed for an inevitable collusion, and she could only hang on until she was annihilated.

She'd texted Ben. It was well after one AM, but he answered immediately anyway.

> — _I don't think I can do this._
> 
> **Ben:** Do what?
> 
> — _Have this baby._
> 
> **Ben:** Gonna need a bit more than that. What do you mean?
> 
> — _Do you know what happens during birth?_
> 
> **Ben:** Oh. I thought you said you didn't want to read that stuff?
> 
> — _I was weak! And you weren't here to remind me why I thought it was a bad idea._
> 
> **Ben:** Oh ok, I see, so it's my fault that you read about tearing. And poop. And cervical dilation. And contractions. And epidurals. And trapped shoulders. And now you're afraid.
> 
> — _Yes. I'm pretty sure all of this is your fault._
> 
> **Ben:** Good, you're finally admitting it.
> 
> — _How do you know about all that stuff, anyway?_
> 
> **Ben:** I can't decide if I'm offended or not that you think I don't care what you're going to go through. Obviously, I wanted to know, so I read up.
> 
> — _Okay…so what the fuck am I supposed to do?_
> 
> **Ben:** I really want to say the right thing here, but I have no idea. I don't think you'll get much comfort from me telling you you'll be alright. I don't think I get to say that.
> 
> — _You're right. That wouldn't help at all._
> 
> **Ben:** Maybe you should talk to someone who's been through it?

Which was how she ended up broaching this topic with Leia, after spending the day getting comfortable, after being reasonably certain the woman wouldn't find her questions invasive.

At her question, Leia laughed. "He was tiny."

Rey's eyes widened. "Really?"

"Five pounds, six ounces. Just a bitty little thing, even though he was full term. He stayed small, too, for those early years. The only big thing about him were those ears. And his feet. He had these _huge_ feet, which the pediatrician kept telling me meant he'd be a tall guy one day. It wasn't until about puberty that he started hulking up. I had to buy him new pants so often, I almost didn't need to take the tags off. I could have returned them as new by the time he needed more."

Rey couldn't really imagine anything as big as _five pounds_ coming out of her, but she knew from her terrible reading that this was, indeed, a small baby. "So it was…not…awful?"

"Clothing Ben? It was, it was awful," Leia joked. "But I think you were talking about giving birth to him."

Rey nodded.

"He was small enough that I didn't tear much. A tiny little rip that didn't need stitches. Labor was long, but not difficult." She gave Rey a reassuring pat. "Don't worry. It's intimidating from the outside, but you'll get through it."

"It's easier for me to get through something by dealing with it in the moment," Rey told her. "If I know too much about it ahead of time, I overthink. I get anxious. I messed up by reading about what was to come…and now I'm afraid."

Leia's smile was soft and kind. "You have every right to be afraid, dear. It's no easy task ahead of you. If it _were_ easy, men would do it." She laughed. "But you'll find that you can endure a lot more than you think you can. You'll discover a strength in yourself that you never knew you had. And when you get the other side and have this tiny person in your arms, all the bad stuff will just sort of fade to the background."

Rey drew a deep breath, overwhelmed with reassurance. As simple as Leia's assertion was, it rang through her like the toll of an old, familiar bell. Rey knew how to tap into hidden strength when pushed to her limits. She'd done it before to stay alive, and she would do it again, to give life to someone else.

That afternoon with Leia left her with more peace than she'd had before. She thought maybe she'd finally be able to sleep that night.

She wasn't. Apparently the insomnia wasn't entirely stress-related.

Lying there in the dark, on her side because being on her back had gotten too uncomfortable to bear now, she stared at the emptiness of Ben's room and wondered again why she was there. And mostly, why she didn't want to be anywhere else.

The night was warm, but her toes were cold. She got up and padded over to the dresser, rifling blindly around the drawer Ben had cleaned out for her things.

Another of his mysteriously accommodating gestures. Like it didn't bother him at all that she'd invaded his space. When she tried to apologize for it once, he'd stopped her and said it didn't bother him, in fact it made him happy, and would she please never again apologize for being part of his life, because he wanted that even more than she did. He was saying a lot of weird things like that lately. She didn't know whether she should read into them or not, but it was getting harder to not hear what she wanted to hear when he dropped his little comments.

She scrabbled her hands through the drawer, but found nothing that felt like a sock. She sighed, went back and got her phone, and turned on the flashlight. Pawing through it again, she discovered no socks.

Definitely time to do laundry then, judging by her pile mounting up in his hamper. Tomorrow. She'd do it tomorrow. In the meantime, maybe she could just borrow a pair of his. Ben would be home in three days. If she washed everything tomorrow, he wouldn't even know.

She set her phone on the top of the dresser so that the light hung off the edge, shining down. She opened his sock drawer. It was so neatly organized. Tidy little bundles, crisply matched and tucked together, nestled in columns of like colors. Rey grimaced. It would take her a while to figure out how to fold the borrowed pair up like that again so he didn't know she'd taken them.

Then again, he was being so over-the-top genial lately, maybe he wouldn't even mind.

She snatched a pair of thick white ones out and was about to close the drawer when her attention snagged on something that had been half-hidden beneath the socks. A black something. Squat and squarish. Like a box. She knocked aside the other bundle concealing part of it. Definitely a little box, with small gold hinges.

 _Don't be nosey_ , she told herself. But her curiosity burned bright, because this was _Ben_. They didn't really have secrets from each other. And anything hidden in a sock drawer was definitely a secret.

Maybe it was just a fancy pair of cufflinks?

But Ben had cufflinks in a fancier, bigger velvet-lined box in his closet.

She shouldn't. God, she knew she shouldn't. But her judgement was compromised. She wasn't sleeping. She was an emotional wreck. It was the middle of the night. And Ben wasn't here. So she picked it up. And she opened it.

At the first flash of warm gold, and a glinting center jewel reflecting the harsh cellphone light, she snapped it shut, put it back in the drawer and shoved it closed.

What had she just seen?

A ring, definitely a ring. Unusual, though. Not all pale and silvery and diamond-studded.

Why did he have that?

 _Never have I ever proposed to anyone_.

Ben had taken a drink. Was it Bazine?

Rey grabbed her phone and went back to the bed, sliding his enormous socks onto her still-icy toes.

It had to have been Bazine. He'd dated her longer than anyone. Almost a year. Was that why they'd broken up? Baz didn't want to accept what he was offering? More fool, Baz, if that were the case. Ben was way too good for her. She didn't know what she had.

He'd come over a few days after they ended things. Strictly business. They didn't talk much about it. Rey was just so glad to have him back in her bed, she didn't ask what had happened. She did ask if it was consolation sex, he said it wasn't, it was about remembering her _taste_ , and he really didn't seem that bothered at all, so she didn't need to know anything else. What had happened afterwards shattered a full year streak of mediocre encounters with other guys.

Would he have been that indifferent if Baz had just turned him down?

But if not her, then who? Rey remembered every single one of his girlfriends and exactly how long they'd lasted. He didn't really stick with people long enough to warrant _that_ ring.

She got up and went back, pulling the box out again and, feeling a little braver, opened it for a better assessment.

It looked old. The oval cut of the stone wasn't the fashion anymore, the stone itself some kind of deep mirrored purple-ish, blue-ish thing that looked as infinite and deep as space. What kind of stone looked like that? The band was a warm, rich gold, like rose gold, or whatever the antique approximation was. It didn't have that brassy-bright look she'd expect of an old ring. But nonetheless, this felt very worn and loved. There were tiny turquoise pieces set along the band, and little gold vines and leafs pricked with the tiniest diamonds, or fake diamond, Rey had ever seen cradling the oval setting. It was so unusual, and so undeniably beautiful. Rey closed it and put it back more carefully this time, sliding the other bundle of socks back over it so it was fully hidden now.

He didn't need to know she'd seen it.

He didn't need to know how much it made her insides riot with jealousy to think of him giving that to anyone, past or future.

Finding that ring didn't do good things for her. It made her insides turn to black smoke. She went back to bed disgruntled.

It wasn't fair of her to wish him unhappiness. And she didn't, really. She wanted him to be happy, wanted it with every part of her except some dark ugly thing curled into her chest. A weakness she'd have to try to overcome. He deserved to find someone to give that ring to. Someone who would love him, and would love — but here Rey had to stop, because that ugly thing in her chest bared its fangs and snarled with outrage at the idea that another woman would love Ben and _their_ baby. _Her_ baby.

She had disturbingly violent dreams that night when she finally did fall asleep. Dreams of attacking other women like a fucking lioness and ripping their throats out. Full of fiery rage, fighting with all the desperation she'd felt in the foster home, competing with a bigger kid for a single Vienna sausage. She'd learned by now that sometimes pregnancy dreams could be _crazy_ , but this was next level disturbing. She woke up spooked by the strength of her own jealousy.

She couldn't stop thinking about it the next day.

They'd been good about avoiding the task of defining their altered status quo. Of examining and putting a name to this new version of their relationship. But being unwilling to define it didn't mean change hadn't come for Rey since she found out she was carrying her best friend's baby.

New and powerful possessiveness was, apparently, part of the deal too. Ben was _hers_. Nobody else could come in and know the things about him that she knew. They'd spent years building this scaffold, and it was strong. It was worthy. It had pieces of him, and pieces of her, welded together by trust and intimacy and mutual respect. She knew his demons, his faults and flaws, and he knew hers. Nobody could possibly get deeper into the heart of him than she had.

Nobody had their memories.

That surreal night in the desert, with a whole galaxy scattered across the night dome. That time they went to rescue Poe and Jess from that music festival in the mountains when they got too high to remember how to get home. That time Ben had a furious fight with his father and he came to her with tears of rage, needing to break something, so Rey dragged him to an empty lot where she knew people dumped unwanted furniture and appliances, and provided bats for both of them. That creepy little amusement park they found on a road trip, and how convinced they were they were going to die on the rickety, ramshackle roller coaster. All those times when they'd stayed on the phone for hours, talking about everything and nothing at all.

Nobody else could know the way Ben's sable eyes caught the light and turned warm, rich brown, the color of milk chocolate laced with caramel. Or how those same eyes burned like two coals when they held hers as he pushed into her.

Rey understood the things he said during sex now. Those aggressive, possessive things. She felt them all herself. Every single one.

"How are you feeling?" he asked when he called her later that day.

"Fine," she said. _Not good,_ she thought.

"Ready to run screaming from my house yet?" He said it like a joke.

"Nope," she replied. _I'm never leaving here again._

"Good. Just a couple more days. It's been productive on my end, but I'm definitely ready to be back."

"I'm glad you did what you needed to do. And yes, it feels like a lot longer than three weeks." _Come back to me._

"Let's not do this again anytime soon."

"Yeah, deal." _You're mine_.

The final straw that broke the last of her resistance happened later that same afternoon. She was sitting at his kitchen table working and nibbling on some edamame, shifting uncomfortably because her back had begun to ache. She really just wanted to lay down, but she had to finish this deadline within the hour. So she carried her laptop upstairs to the bedroom and sprawled out on her stomach over the bed, using a few pillows for support. She wouldn't be able to do this very much longer. Even now the press against her firm, gently curved abdomen had become very uncomfortable. With the help of pillows and a strategically hooked leg, she could take some of the weight off and make it bearable. At least it gave her spine some relief.

She tapped out a few lines of copy and was squinting at the wall, trying to think of a nicer synonym for _gift_ when she felt it.

A _wriggle_.

In some deep place within her, a flutter. A tap. _Something_.

Life.

She gasped and scrambled out of bed, standing there in the middle of the room, eyes wide, heart leaping. She waited. It didn't happen again. Her hands went to the place, to her swell, pressing in tight against it like it had been on the bed.

And there it was again. That tumble. That squirm.

Unsettling, freaky, _enchanting_. Something was alive inside her, and it was _moving_. Rolling, or kicking, or…something.

And then without warning, she burst into tears.

Because Ben wasn't there.

It was ridiculous. She wouldn't really have been able to share it with him even if he were. The movement was felt more from within than without, too deep beneath the surface for him to be able to feel anything. But it didn't matter. He wasn't here to share in her excitement. In the breathtaking, surreal joy of this. She was flooded with the panicked realization that she'd said _no_. When he asked if she wanted him to marry her, she said _no._ She'd said she didn't want things to change between them.

Stupid.

Of course they were changed. Everything was changed.

She had to stay here with him, always. She had to stay beside him. Otherwise he would miss so much. And she would too. The whole bleak future unfolded before her. Shared custody, baby shuffled between his place and hers. A first laugh, glittering like light through her own apartment where she alone could hear it. A first step, taken in his, where he applauded and praised with whatever woman was beside him, wearing that ring. The first smile, first step, first word. Either he would get them, or she would, but they wouldn't experience them together. The wonder of this child they made. It wasn't theirs to share, because she said _no_.

And maybe they could exchange videos of the milestone moments. Maybe they could be friends who hung out together and sometimes got to parent together, but only ever temporarily. Because she said _no_.

He would have done it. She knew he would have.

God, she was a mess.

She went to the bathroom and splashed cool water over her face, washing away her tears and shocking herself out of his haze of emotion. She was usually better at reining in her feelings than this.

When she got back out, she felt calmer. And more rational. She picked up her phone to text him.

> — _Ben._
> 
> **Ben:** I'm here.
> 
> — _I felt the baby move._

And then their text conversation was over, because suddenly her phone was buzzing in her hand with his incoming call. She answered with a soft laugh.

"Hey. Shouldn't you be in a meeting or something?"

"I stepped out. Tell me." His voice was the balm she needed to calm down. Deep and soothing and warm, but firm too. He really wanted to know.

"I was just laying here and I felt it."

"How did it feel?"

"I can't really explain it. A little freaky. Like there's an alien in there or something. But…amazing too. This is real, Ben. It's real."

"Fuck, I wish I were already home."

She hesitated, then added softly. "Me too."

"Two more days." He sounded miserable all of the sudden. "Might as well be a lifetime."

"Ben." Her heart skipped a beat in her chest. "Can I ask you about something?"

"Anything."

"Am I…crazy?"

He chuckled. "I don't think we're supposed to say things like _crazy_ anymore. Someone here told me its offensive. But for what it's worth, I've heard pregnancy can make you _feel_ crazy. But you're not. I promise."

"Am I stubborn?"

"Yes. Extremely." He waited. When she didn't continue, he asked, "Why are you wondering these things about yourself?"

"I just…" She didn't really know how to bring this up with him, and she didn't really know what she wanted out of it. But it was weird to keep so much back from him. She'd always go to him with the things weighing on her mind. Maybe he could help her figure this out too. "Literally everyone we've told about this has asked us if we're getting married. Your mom seems like the only one who doesn't care. Are we doing something wrong by not? Am I?"

The silence on the other end went on for a long time. She had to check to make sure the call hadn't dropped. Eventually she heard him exhale and say carefully, "No, neither of us are doing anything wrong. Why are you thinking about that?"

"It guess I'm just trying to justify it. I've had...doubts. I don't want either of us to miss even a moment of this kid's life. But... it doesn't feel like a good reason, you know? That just because of this situation we're in, we would…make that kind of choice. That if it weren't for this, we wouldn't be doing it at all. Getting married just for the sake of the baby feels wrong. I'm afraid one day we'd wake up and realize it was never about each other. Does that make sense?"

Another long silence. And then, "Yes, it makes sense. It's a good reason."

Rey ought to be glad that Ben felt that way. That he saw why she felt the way she did. Why she said no. She hadn't made a mistake, exactly. But it also didn't change any of the things she'd panicked over a moment before.

Eventually he spoke again and said, "But...I want to just put a couple things out there for you to think about. First of all, you don't have to be married to share a life together. And second of all, is it possible that this could be the catalyst for things we wouldn't have been brave enough to confront before? There is a baby here, and that is the reason people keep throwing around the idea of marriage, but can it also be true that maybe it isn't _just_ about the baby?"

Rey's heart leapt into a nervous rhythm in her chest. "That's...possible," she said softly.

Not only possible, but in her case at least, exactly what was happening.

This turn of events had thrown open doors she meant to keep shut right, and now she was trying in vain to contain the flood rushing through them. She wanted to stay with Ben because she didn't want either of them to miss out on all the moments, but also because of...other reasons. Bigger feelings. A feeling so big, she was afraid to name it.

"They're getting frustrated," he sighed. "I have to go back. I'll be home soon and we can...talk...about this. If you want."

"Okay," she said softly.

He hesitated again. And then said, "goodbye, Rey."

"Bye."

She waited to hang up. She didn't want to. Apparently he didn't either because the call hung there for a while until she heard a man calling his name and then the line went dead.

Rey put her head in her hands and sighed.

She had a lot to think about.

* * *

WEEK SEVENTEEN — ONION

When Ben finally got home, he was dismayed by the size of her belly.

It had "popped" finally. A nice round bump, reluctantly released by her unwilling abdominal muscles.

"Gone for three weeks and come back here to find you got pregnant," he accused playfully after she'd hugged him.

She laughed.

"May I?" he asked, a hand hovering like he wanted to touch.

She smirked. The one person who didn't need her permission, the one person who sought it. "Of course you can."

His hands found her then, engulfed her beneath the span of his huge fingers. He slid them along the curve of her, exploring and wondrous. Rey didn't really now how to relate to her changing shape, whether she had fully embraced it or not, but right now, with the expression on his face, she felt beautiful.

He swore softly under his breath, laughing a little as his eyes lifted to hers again. "Why is this the sexiest thing I've ever seen?"

She struggled to conceal how this comment made her preen inside. "Probably biology," she deflected, smiling anyway, "You're witnessing the physical manifestation of your own virility."

He hummed in thought. "Maybe." His hands slid from her belly around to her waist and up her back, pulling her into another hug, this one tighter than the first, nearly lifting her off her feet this time. "That was a long three weeks, little mama."

"Yeah," she agreed breathlessly. "It was."

His face nuzzled into her neck. "I don't want to suggest it if you aren't in the mood, but—"

"I am," she said immediately. "I told you, that's on overdrive now."

Just at the unspoken suggestion of it, she was throbbing down below.

"Thank God," he laughed. "I really wasn't sure how I was going to keep my hands off you."

"Then don't," she urged.

Rey didn't even care that this was now how _just friends_ spoke to each other. She'd spent three weeks in emotional hell trying to figure out how she was supposed to think of Ben now, how she was supposed to relate to him when her feelings were wide open, things she didn't know she felt now exposed. If he wanted to come in here and talk to her in that intoxicating way, and carry her up the stairs like a bride, she wasn't going to stop him.

Upstairs, she took control. While he let his hands roam around her body, she pushed him onto the bed and clawed off his belt. Ben made a surprised sound when she started working his pants off.

"I thought you were the one needing a little attention tonight," he said.

"Leave me alone," she growled at him, a harmless demand without any heat. "I've been thinking about this for months."

Because her gag reflex had been _way_ too sensitive for a while. Just brushing her teeth had made her vomit sometimes. She hadn't dared try to take Ben in her mouth during all that, even though she really wanted it. Now she was past that, and she'd missed him, and this was a way of expressing her feelings for him without having to find the words.

He was gasping and fully hard after only a few exploratory brushes of her fingers. She took him in one hand, kneeling between his knees, and dragged her tongue up him in long, popsicle licks. He shuddered and leaned back on the bed, chest heaving.

Generally, Rey did _not like_ giving blowjobs. Most of the time, she thought it was revolting. Some of the men she'd tried to do that for hadn't washed recently or something, because they smelled terrible. Some of them were too aggressive, grabbing her head to take control themselves. She wasn't about that. She did it because she liked to be in control.

But, like everything else, with Ben it was different. She loved the must of him, the taste of him, the size of him, and most of all she loved the _sounds_ he made. Like now, the way he groaned her name when she closed her lips around him, tongue swirling around the edge of his glans. God, she felt so powerful doing this to him. She kept her tongue moving as she sank onto him a little more, watched his stomach clench as she trail a fingernail under his balls. She hummed in satisfaction. Not even a full hour after he'd gotten home and she already had him helpless.

What she couldn't fit in her mouth she pumped with a saliva-slick hand, letting what he and she produced dribble down the length of him to keep him nice and lubricated for her strokes. A string of drunken expletives cascaded from him. When she hollowed her cheeks as _sucked_ he cried out, crunched forward, and pulled her away.

"No," he croaked, shaking his head. "I don't want to finish yet."

She laughed hoarsely. "It usually takes you longer than that."

"You haven't done that in a long time," he pointed out, catching his breath, "and I've been fantasizing about you for three weeks, so I'm on a hairpin trigger here."

She tugged at his shirt. "Take this off."

He complied, practically ripping it away. Then he pulled her onto the bed and began to remove hers, struggling a little because she couldn't keep her hands off his chest or her lips off the skin at his shoulder. When he finally got her naked, he pinned her back against the mattress with that fiery look she'd been imagining in her needy nights the whole time he was gone.

But she squirmed and struggled. "Gotta move," she panted, grimacing. "Can't— be on my—"

He understood immediately and rolled her to her side, settling in next to her as the ridiculously large spoon. One of his arms wrapped around from under her, holding her tight to his chest. The other glided smoothly along the side of her body, down her thigh. His jaw nuzzled in by her ear.

"Gonna take care of this situation right here," he rumbled against her, his voice soft and menacing, his hand trailing down to dip between her legs, his fingers coming away wet. He painted them up the rise of her stomach.

Rey didn't like this position as well. She couldn't see the hungry look in his face. But she kind of forgot her grievances when he slid his length between her thighs and his fingers into her molten center. He grazed his teeth along the skin at her shoulder, the hand at her chest finding a nipple to gently, gently roll, mindful of how sensitive they were.

Rey's hips canted into him, her head lolling back against his shoulder. The movement exposed more of her neck, inviting Ben to lave his attention there. He did.

It was everything Rey had needed since her libido awakened into this new raw state. His touch, his low voice murmuring his incoherent adoration, his scent, not clinging to a shirt but all around her. Sweaty against her back. Lingering on her tongue. _Ben._ His name ran through her head like a chant. _Ben Ben Ben Ben_.

The angle was awkward to figure it out, but once they got it, her leg thrown over his hip, it was _good_. He drove right into her g-spot, plowing noises and lewd babble out of her more efficiently than she had done to him.

"God, Rey, I missed you," he breathed into her ear, holding her so close as he ruined her. "I won't leave you like this again."

"Stay," she pleaded. "Forever."

"Forever," he agreed.

She threw her hips into it now, meeting him thrust for thrust, grinding him in so deep she thought she might scream. His hand alternated between stroking over her belly and gliding over her clit. His other left her breast, dragging up to her shoulder where she snatched his thumb into her mouth and sucked it, held it between her teeth, used it to muffle her desperate cries.

They didn't last as long as they sometimes did. It didn't matter. Rey climbed to a ferocious release, one that tore through her so suddenly she bit hard into the side of Ben's hand, her body clenching against him. A moment later he came unglued, yanking her hips into his, stuffing himself in to the hilt, bursting in a spasm of muscle so strong, she felt it.

She reached behind her, running soothing strokes along the back of his head while he dipped to hide against her shoulder, panting and shuddering.

Rey didn't want him to pull away. She kept her legs tangled into his, kept him firmly in place, until after several minutes he softened and her body gently pushed him out. Then she rolled over, ignoring the mess quickly trickling onto her inner thighs, and nestled into him, face to face this time.

He smiled bearily at her, his eyes aleady half-closed. "We done good here, Johnson," he drawled softly. His hand rested on her middle, spreading his fingertips over her.

She laughed, the fingers of one hand finding the overgrown stubble at his jaw. His chest rose and fell in deeply relaxed, rhythmic breaths. He would be asleep soon, she knew. A combination of jetlag and drained testosterone. That was alright. He was here. With her.

Rey didn't need anything else.

* * *

NINETEEN WEEKS — MANGO

Life was way, way better after Ben got back.

They settled into a new and comfortable routine that didn't require defining, just like before. She was soothed right out of that terrible urgency to figuring everything out that had strangled her while he was gone. It didn't matter much to Ben, apparently, who went on acting like everything in his life was exactly perfect. So Rey decided it didn't matter to her either, right now. If he was unhappy, surely he'd say something, and then maybe they could talk about feelings. But until then, she would be content.

It still wasn't easy to sleep at night, though. She discovered this with no small degree of disappointment. Ben didn't act irritated by all her tossing and turning and struggling to get comfortable, but he did express his concern. So one day he came home with a _gigantic_ body pillow that wrapped around both sides of her. It supported her still tight but growing belly, and tucked between her knees to align her hips better, and cushioned her back just right.

It became Rey's new favorite thing. Suddenly she could sleep again. Deeply. Perfectly. Ben didn't even seem to mind that it was this big barrier between them. He could easily throw it aside when the mood struck. And it did strike, often. Rey finally had relief in the form of a big, strong man perfectly delighted to help her with her surging needs.

The biggest change, though, came in the middle of her nineteenth week, a few days before their scheduled anatomy scan ultrasound.

They were in the kitchen. Ben stood over the stove, stirring the creamy tomato sauce so it didn't boil over, garlic and basil and all kinds of tantalizing smells wafting around them. Rey sat perched on an island stool, pruning the basil plant and handing the chopped leaves to Ben.

Rey was mid-comment about her love for pesto when something thudded hard against her insides. She sucked in a sharp breath of air, moving a hand to the spot, pressing hard against it.

"You okay?" Ben asked, giving her a look.

Something firm _definitely_ nudged her hand. "Come here!" she gasped.

He flipped off the burner and moved the sauce pan onto a cool one, hurrying to her side with a look of concern. She stood up and grabbed his wrist, dragging his hand to her stomach. She held her hand over his, pushing in a little, holding him firmly there. She tilted the heel of his hand in further and held her breath, willing the little nudger to repeat its gesture.

Ben's eyes lifted curiously to meet hers, those fathoms-deep pools of darkness she loved so well. He searched hers, staring like he sought something invaluable and hoped to find it in her.

She held his gaze as the nudge came again, a distinct, insistent push from within by something small and hard, rejecting the press of their hands. His eyes shot wide, darting away from hers and down towards the touch.

It happened again, and he jerked his hand away as if he'd been suddenly scalded, gasping.

She laughed. "Does that freak you out?"

"Yes," he said breathlessly, then sank to his knees in front of her, running both hands down her bump, pressing his palm into the place on her side again.

 _Thud_.

"Hello, my little mango," he whispered. "It's nice to meet you."

Rey impulsively slid her hand into his hair, and his face tilted up to her. Something in her chest pulsed with intense affection.

Without warning, he surged to his feet, one hand coming to the back of her head, pulling her into him, closing the distance between them until he found her lips with his own. The kiss he stole was quick, drawing a gasp out of her and into him, his laughter tumbling against her mouth even before he pulled back again.

Rey reeled.

"I'm sorry," he said, still lingering a few inches away, an innocent, boyish grin crooked on his face.

"What was that?" she asked dizzily.

He laughed again. His grin grew into that big, beautiful Ben smile she loved. "Just expressing my gratitude to the mother of my child."

"Gratitude…" she repeated. Her tongue swept over her lip, sampling the trace of him still left there.

Ben's attention fixed on it with a hungry gleam. "Mm-hmm."

"Do it again," she whispered.

His eyes flashed to hers, hope and disbelief in them. But he must have seen how sincerely she meant it, because a moment later both hands came up to her face, fingers trailing up her jaw, into her hair. He held her gently, and this time more slowly pulled her into him. His big soft lips that were positively _made_ for this swept against hers, a delicious inflamed slide that caught her, made her heart stutter erratically.

Rey shuddered into it. She couldn't believe she'd never kissed him before when it could feel like _this_. But as her hands came up of their own accord, clutching him to her so he couldn't pull away, feeling his own leave her face and brace her back so he could move more fiercely into her, she knew why they hadn't.

This wasn't _friends_.

This was much, much more.

This was a free fall. A collision. A wreckage. It was all the stars in the night sky knocked loose to fall in glorious burning ruin. It was the breath of life shared between them, tearing through ragged lungs, set aflame by desperate lips. This give, and this take. This rhythm. It was a prayer, an invocation.

It was them.

Ben broke away first, leaning his forehead against hers, breathing like he'd just sprinted the whole distance to her heart. "You have no idea how long I've wanted to that."

He was right, she didn't know. She didn't even know how long _she_ had wanted it, because it felt like she'd been missing that her whole life. She couldn't really think in a linear pattern right now. Her mind was on mute, only the pounding of her heart echoing through her head. She wanted to do it again. And again. And again. It didn't even matter what it meant, or didn't mean. She slid her fingers deeper into his hair.

"What took you so long?" she asked, and realized she was trembling.

"It was _you_ , you frustrating woman," he growled, and then kissed her once more. Rey's whole body leaned into it this time, going up on her toes, her arms winding around his neck.

She had missed out on so much by not kissing him before now. It had always been there, waiting for her to reach for it. This bliss had been there all along. The floodgates were now thrown open and she was drowning in all her unbridled _love_ for him, but it was a sweet, sweet death. She should have been brave enough to face this before.

This was worth it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Up next: A sweet potato ultrasound, and some truths.


	11. Remember This Moment With Me

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A reconciliation, an ultrasound, a reveal, and Big Big Words

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I was thinking maybe I should make a moodboard for this fic. 
> 
> Also, these two are ridiculous. They don't like to follow my outline for them.
> 
> And I'm sorry for the delay getting this chapter up. My church is having a giant worldwide conference this weekend (streamed for appropriate social distancing) and I've been a bit busy, plus these smallish folk who have invaded my house have needed extra attention. 
> 
> BUT! I think you'll find the wait was worth it?

**CHAPTER ELEVEN: Remember This Moment With Me**

* * *

TWENTY WEEKS — Sweet Potato

Ben had the nicest lips Rey had ever kissed. Full and pillowy and clever. Soft flames in which she willingly burned. He was a conjurer with that mouth of his, summoning such feelings and emotions as she didn't even know she could feel.

Rey could drown in those lips.

She loved kissing him.

She kissed him _a lot_.

Now that the unspoken wall had collapsed and nothing held her back from it, she wanted do it all the time. She found excuses for it every chance she got. Like when he left for work in the morning, she'd linger by the door until he was headed out. Before walking out, he'd catch her around the waist and she'd tug his head down to her and devour him until he reluctantly pried himself away and went, a little dazed, to his car. Or when he got home, she'd wait and launch herself at him as soon as he walked in, crashing together in a flurry of lips and teeth and _tongues_. Or if he made an especially amazing dinner, if she got bored with whatever movie they were watching, if the baby moved — those were all good reasons to kiss him too.

And especially when they were in bed. He held her close while she rode him, and even though they'd been fucking each other for a few years now, suddenly it was overwhelmingly new again, from the stretch of his entry and the fullness between her legs, to the slid of his huge hands over her skin trailing goosebumps in their wake, all because they now allowed themselves to _kiss_. Rey almost couldn't remember how sex had ever been good without it.

Honestly, the way they couldn't keep their hands — or mouths — off each other now would have been more appropriate to two teenagers falling heedlessly into their first romance, not two experienced adults navigating a complicated, rule-bound, grown-up relationship.

But the rules were crumbling. The boundaries had become blurred. Rey didn't know when they were crossing them or not, or what those boundaries even were now.

She didn't know what they were exactly, but she did know this: They weren't friends anymore.

Not by a long shot.

The energy between them had shifted. Ben was...on edge. Not the edge of irritation or anything bad, but definitely the edge of some kind of precipice. Every time they kissed she felt tension wind up in his body and vibrate through him like the crackle in the air before a storm. It wasn't sexual, necessarily, and it couldn't have been an unpleasant thing for him because he kept chasing her mouth as often as she hunted his. She didn't know what that tension was, but she sensed it bursting at the seams. His behavior had altered a little since that first kiss. They texted constantly throughout the day. Of nothing. Of anything. As if the hours between when he left and when he returned were too much for him to bear. It had never been that way between them before. And there were other changes too. Sometimes he'd come back bearing gifts. A pint of her favorite ice cream. A book from the used bookstore she liked. A vase of sunflowers, which he knew were her favorite.

It struck Rey as almost anticlimactic, how easily they slid together down the slope of whatever this was. Like maybe it should have involved more...talking.

Because Ben still didn't try to talk to her about it. Beyond that one confession that he'd wanted to kiss her for a long time, but held back because of her, he didn't directly address the subject again, or try to define what this shifting dynamic between them meant.

But Rey didn't either.

Maybe something inside her worried that if they put whatever was happening into words, it would shatter. Like it thrived better in the unspoken space where it had always existed.

Still, she felt strange and giddy and _happy_ since it happened. The meeting of their mouths had shoved them right out of that carefully constructed friend-zone and into something new and strange and breathless.

"What's up with you?" Rose asked a couple days later when Rey finally agreed to hang out with her again.

She was at Rose's apartment, helping her cut landscaping fabric so Rose could sew new grow bags for her plants. Hux had the day off work and was there too, out on Rose's balcony fixing some of her rain gutter irritation systems. The open door meant he was part of the conversation as well. It didn't change much to have him there. Hux was a good person. An easy friend to have. Sometimes he was safer to talk to than Rose, because he didn't insert himself so much into other people's business, and he kept things closer to the vest.

"What do you mean?" Rey asked.

She was having a good time right now. Rose had backed off considerably in the face of Rey's silence over the last few weeks, and she hadn't brought up Ben even once today. She'd asked Rey about how she was feeling, if the was uncomfortable yet, how many months, and added a few kind, Rose-sweet pleasantries, and then they'd talked about everything else. Nothing threatening. Nothing difficult. Hux asked if Rey had been watching the Premier League games (she had) and they fought about Man City versus Man-U for a while until Rose made them talk about something else. Rey asked about Paige, so Rose happily reported what she knew. Hux mentioned that his sister was now officially dating Zorri. They touched on politics, work, anything but the off-limits topics. And now, apparently, this.

"I don't know if it's like, 'pregnancy glow' or something, but you can't stop _smiling_." Rose glanced up at her over her sewing machine with a lopsided grin. "You just seem really happy. Not like you were a couple weeks ago."

That was when they'd tried to hang out while Ben was gone. Rey was _not_ happy then. She was drowning in a wave of her own need and insecurity and trying to claw her way out without Rose's help because she couldn't rely on her friend to give unbiased advice.

"I am happy," she said simply. "I feel good. And I...I'm optimistic about the future."

"Wow." Rose's cheeks dimpled as her smile grew. "That sounds incredibly healthy."

"Wait, you're _optimistic_?" Hux chimed in from the balcony. "Our Rey? An optimist?"

Rey stuck her tongue out at him. "I'm not exactly Miss Doom and Gloom, Hux."

Rose laughed. "You're right, you're not a pessimist, but...you're not big on assuming the best of the unknown, either."

Okay, that was...a fair comment. Rey had a tendency to be, as Ben had teased her at the starts of their quarantine, a _prepper_. Not just in food materials, but in mental fortitude, too. She never counted on the promise that tomorrow, everything would work out. Life had taught her that tomorrow didn't mean shit. Only today mattered. She couldn't control what was coming down the road, so she operated under the idea that it would be bad, and she should be ready. It was survival skill. She dealt with what was in front of her, shoring herself to minimize suffering, and didn't look too far ahead with the hope that everything would work out.

But it wasn't like she went around spreading a cloud of negativity everywhere she went, either. She just didn't trust the future to take care of her, so she had to do it for herself.

"Yeah, okay, you're right. It's different for me. I don't know what it is," she acknowledged. "Things are just...great right now. And I feel like it _might_ continue to be great."

Rose's eyes flashed with interest, but she hesitated. "Am I allowed to ask if Ben is involved in this greatness?"

"You are not."

Rose frowned, but she didn't press the issue. Hux leaned in and looked over at her expectantly. He seemed surprised when she didn't say anything else.

Rey lowered the fabric in her hands, glancing from Hux to Rose. "You know why I don't want you asking about that stuff anymore, right?"

She hadn't planned to get into this with her today. Rey's normal M-O was to sweep things she didn't want to talk about under the rug and pretend they didn't exist. She'd managed to do that just fine with Ben for _years_. She could probably do the same thing with Rose, just keep forging ahead with their friendship and never stop to address what had happened. But she was feeling reckless and open these days, and this new world where she and Ben were...whatever they were...it made her feel fierce. She wanted to put her injury on the table and demand that Rose look at it.

"Because I majorly offended you by what I said at Poe's party," said Rose, her voice quiet.

"It was a shit show, Rose," Rey said frankly.

"I know. I'm sorry," sighed her friend. "Can I explain why I flew off the handle? It doesn't make it better, I know. I just..."

"I don't know if I need you to. I can guess the reason. But fine, go ahead."

"I just got...frustrated. I was sad for you, honestly. Because your other prospects for a loving partnership were temporarily derailed — Thomas _really_ liked you. But more than that, I was sad because you and Ben have been skirting this thing for so fucking long, and I figured when you finally got your acts together and fell into it, it was going to be epic. And you were going to be _so happy_. And I really wanted that for you, Rey. You deserve it. So when I heard...what I wasn't supposed to hear...it made me blow a gasket because I felt like you two had skipped all the good stuff and went straight to this _crazy_ commitment that was going to be a burden to you both. I wanted you to have a beautiful honeymoon phase, and you just jumped straight to diapers and spitup and all that very unsexy stuff."

Hux worked on his task quietly, listening, but wisely staying out of it.

"As well-intentioned as it was," Rey said, keeping her voice measured and soft. "It wasn't any of your business. Whatever Ben and I choose to do with our lives is between _us_ , no one else. I don't have to follow your prescribed path of happiness for me, and you can't get mad at me when I don't. Your reaction hurt, honestly. I didn't need for you to mourn my lost _honeymoon_ phase. I needed for you to hug me and support me and tell me it was going to be okay because I was still freaking the hell out. Do you understand? I had just embarrassed myself in front of everyone, and I was scared and sad and humiliated and fucking _overwhelmed_. I didn't need a lecture, Rose. I needed my friend. You didn't even ask how I felt about any of it."

Rose stared at her, a quiet kind of horror dawning in her gaze. "Oh my god, Rey."

"Yeah."

"I didn't ask, you're right." The realization in her face was genuine, at least. She looked at Hux, who glanced up at her with a wincing sort of smile. Her attention darted back to Rey, and she said helplessly, "I'm an asshole."

"You aren't normally, but yeah. You were then." Rey returned to the scissors in her hand and her task of cutting the fabric. "I love you, Rose, I just need you to let me navigate my own life, okay? You don't need to be so emotionally invested in stuff that isn't your business."

"Yeah, understood. I overstepped." Rose reached over her kitchen table to grab Rey's arm. "I'm really sorry. I wish I could go back and redo that moment. I was so awful to you."

Rey didn't have it in her to hold Rose over the fire for too long right now. Her mood was too good. Her heart too inclined to joy these days. She smiled and laughed softly. "This isn't the end of our friendship, Rose. It might be, if you do it again. But in the meantime, we're okay. Just — boundaries, yeah?"

"Yeah. Definitely." Rose smiled too.

"Just curious," Hux chimed in now, keeping his voice neutral, "if everything hadn't gone the way it did, how long were you planning on trying to hide it from all of us?"

Rey hadn't considered this. She wanted to keep it between her and Ben for longer than they got, true, but in the end, she really didn't care _how_ her friends found out, she just didn't want to deal with the drama of their reactions. "A few weeks, probably."

"You wouldn't have lasted that long," said Hux.

Rey arched a brow. "You don't think? Unlike our Rosie here, I'm great at secrets."

"Doesn't matter," he said, shrugging. "Poe had already guessed. He said it was _a feeling_ , and also because of how you were acting that night, and how Solo was acting. One of us probably would have outed you before you told us yourself."

"Poe," Rey sighed. Poe, who knew Ben better than any of the others, who knew relationships better than any of the others, who, apparently, could read signs better than any of the others. "Well, ship's sailed now anyway, so..."

"Sailed, landed, and colonized," Hux laughed. "You definitely can't hide it now, walking around with a size 3 football under your shirt."

"She is _not_ that big yet," Rose said disparagingly. To Rey, she ventured a shy smile. "How are you feeling about it now? Do you feel ready for this?"

"Not even remotely." Rey shook her head. "I still have no idea what the hell I'm doing. And my emotions have gone haywire so it's hard to know what's real and what's hormonal. But Ben has a more level head about it than I do, so that's at least one of us."

"He was always the adult of you two," Hux remarked.

Rey flashed him a sneer. There was no heat in it. This was just how they were with each other. Hux occupied a spot in her heart where she imagined a brother would fit.

Rose grinned. "Is that part of your optimism about the future? That even if you're a wreck, he'll be steady?"

"Yeah, I think it is." Rey laughed now. "If I bungle this all up, at least there's backup."

"Or maybe you should be the backup," said Hux.

Rey picked up Rose's empty pin cushion and threw it at his head.

Honestly, her elevated mood was probably a high induced by the frequent hits of endorphins she took every time she kissed Ben. Every day since he felt the baby move and expressed his _gratitude_ had been a surreal dream. Every bit the opposite of the emotional canyon she fell into while he was gone. She wasn't confused or upset or lonely. She wasn't afraid of her feelings. She wasn't wrestling with her heart. For the first time since the world turned upside down in Holdo's office, Rey felt like she had her feet under her and she could face all the unknown to come without her usual trepidation.

It might have annoyed her that Ben and his lips had such a powerful effect on it, but it felt too good to question. So she didn't. She embraced it. Somewhere along the way, Rey realized that she'd fallen in love with him. She couldn't pinpoint exactly when, and she couldn't say with perfect confidence that he felt the same, but the kiss burned away the last of her resistance and she could finally put a name to the Big Feelings swirling around inside her. She didn't think they had anything to do with hormones, because they felt like they'd been there longer than twenty weeks.

Whatever Ben felt, Rey had never seen a more content man. His wonderful, addictive mouth wore an unconscious smile almost all of the time now. The accusation Rose had thrown at her could easily be said for Ben, too. In contrast to the way he seemed like he was on the verge of losing his shit all the time, he also acted...deeply pleased. He practically purred with satisfaction whenever they were home together, especially when they were tangled up on the couch watching something, his arms around her so he could feel the little nudges and bumps that knocked against the surface of her skin. The sounds rumbling around in his huge cavernous chest were some of the nicest she'd ever heard.

Rey wasn't sure how long they could last like this.

* * *

"So, we haven't really talked about this," said Ben, pulling away from the light, navigating them through the city, towards their appointment. "But are we finding out?"

"Finding out what?"

"The sex."

"Oh." Rey blinked. Weird. They _hadn't_ talked about that. Rey scratched at the side of her neck, wondering how they could have overlooked this one pretty big conversation. Things were falling through the cracks, maybe, as they tried to figure out what the new boundaries of their relationship were. "I didn't even consider the option of _not_ finding out. Do you want to wait and be surprised?"

"No." He cracked a little smile and sent it her way. "Do you?"

"I mean, I guess it doesn't really matter, it's not like we have a nursery to paint in stereotypical, heteronormative gendered colors. But…I don't think I'm patient enough to wait."

"Me neither."

She ran a hand absently over her swell, looking out the window as the city streets marched around them. "Which do you want more?"

Sometimes she tried to imagine herself as a mother, tried to imagine caring for a small boy, wondered if he'd be the spitting image of his father. Other times she tried to imagine a little girl, maybe a mix of them both. She struggled to conceptualize either, and especially struggled to see herself in that role. She couldn't really say if she wanted a boy child or a girl child, when just the idea of a _child_ was foreign enough.

"Both," said Ben.

"Both! You want two?"

"I want a dozen."

"A dozen!" His grin was so ridiculous, it made her laugh. "Since when? We've been friends for years, Ben, and you've never _once_ mentioned wanting to have even a single kid, let alone a _dozen_."

He chuckled. "I didn't know it would feel like this."

"Well, good luck with your brood, and good luck finding the person to give you that brood."

"Oh, that'll be you." He tapped her on the shoulder. "In case you didn't know. I don't plan on making a dozen babies with a dozen women. I'm a one-girl kind of guy."

Heat rushed through her cheeks and she laughed again. "Calm down, Solo. Next time, you do the hard part and then we can talk about more of them."

God, the look on his face. He looked positively _delirious_ with delight, and she didn't know if it was the mention of _next time_ or _more_ or that she didn't refute his claim on her that made him speed up the car a little. Rey didn't even really know what it meant herself, but she liked the effect it had on him.

They pulled in to the imaging center parking lot. Ben turned towards her. "Okay, all kidding aside. Honestly, I don't care what we're having. I'm just happy we're having one at all."

Rey's fingers found and curled into his shirt and she dragged him towards her, finding his lips, stopping him from saying any more soft things that made her feel like melted butter on the inside. Because twenty weeks ago, if someone had told her she'd be having a surprise baby with Ben Solo and that he'd be _happy_ about it, she'd have thought they were crazy.

He made a low contended noise against her, through her, his hand finding the back of her head, moving in against her so he could deepen the kiss. His tongue teased against hers. She sighed happily into him.

"You're gonna make us late for the appointment," he reminded her softly, but the grin twitching at the corner of his lips said maybe he didn't mind so much.

Rey pecked him one more time. "Then let's go."

He was out of his side in a flash, darting around to hers and opening the door for her. He took her hand as they walked in.

Rey filled out some paperwork and let them scan her ID and insurance card (one of the inconveniences about being a freelancer, she could only afford shit insurance) and Ben covered her copay despite her protests. She didn't want to argue in front of the woman taking the payment, so she waited until they sat down in the lobby to confront him about it.

"I could have paid for that myself, Ben. It's my appointment."

He rolled his eyes. "First of all, if you have to do all the physical stuff, I should at least have to do the financial stuff. Second of all, I know your insurance is garbage, Rey, and this whole thing — not just today, but all of it — is going to come down hard on you. I have savings. It won't ruin me, but it will ruin you, so we're not having this discussion."

Rey frowned, but she didn't really have any argument to make there. Ben made better money than she did, and he was mindful about where every dollar went, so no doubt he _did_ have the savings for all this. She definitely didn't.

"I, on the other hand, have great insurance," he said, tipping his head back against the wall with this funny little smile.

"Cuz that helps," she said sarcastically.

Ben smirked.

A TV hung high on the wall across from them played a loop of recycled videos about appropriate post-virus care now that the health crisis was over. It didn't hold Rey's attention. There weren't any other patients here yet, so there wasn't much to look at either. She was starting to get that nervous feeling she always had in doctor's offices, even though she knew nothing unpleasant would be happening here today. Or at least, she _hoped_ nothing unpleasant would be happening here today. Who knew what they'd see on the ultrasound. To distract herself from overthinking, she picked up her phone and sent a quick text to Leia.

Ben noticed. "So you and my mom text each other now?"

"I told her I'd let her know when we were here. She's excited."

"Wait, she's not coming..." Concern flared in his voice and he leaned forward, plush mouth pulling into a frown.

"No." She laughed. "Don't worry. But I did tell her you'd call when we were done. She wants to know everything."

"Good." He relaxed, reaching out to pluck a magazine off the coffee table in front of them, thumbing through it. He kept his tone casual, but Rey knew better. "I can do that. I just…don't want anyone else part of this."

"I know," she said softly. "It's ours, Ben. This is just me and you."

He didn't look up from the magazine when he reached over and took her hand, and she didn't miss the way his throat bobbed in a swallow. Still, he didn't say anything.

The door to the back swung open and a woman appeared in the doorway. "Rey?" she called.

Ben put the magazine back and they stood together, heading over.

"I'm Maeve," the woman said with a smile. "It's nice to meet you, Rey."

"You too," said Rey.

They followed her back through a corridor of closed doors and around a corner. She ushered them into a dimly lit room with a slightly inclined bed, a big TV on the wall, and a machine that now looked familiar. The whole thing reminded Rey of the room in Hold's office, except the bed was far less intimidating. No stirrups.

"So you're just here for your twenty-week anatomy scan, is that right?" Maeve asked, closing the door behind them.

"Yes."

"Great. I'll be helping you out with that today," she said genially. "Go ahead and take a seat on the bed, Rey. Your husband can sit right here." She motioned to a couple chairs tucked into a corner. "Feel free to bring your seat up next to the bed if you want, Dad. Just stay on this side so we don't trip each other up. Rey, can you confirm your date of birth for me please, and the first day of your last menstrual period?"

Rey told her both, meanwhile wondering if such assumptions ever got this woman in trouble. For all she knew Ben could have been a supportive friend, or a brother, or…anything. Still, it didn't exactly bother Rey. Not enough to say anything about it, at least.

"Alright, I'm going to go ahead and give you a minute to get undressed from the waist down. When you're done, lay down on the bed and put this over your lap. Do either of you need a water or anything?"

They both shook their heads. Maeve gave the sheet to Rey and then stepped out, promising to return in a minute.

"I feel like we're old pros at this," Ben remarked, moving his chair next to Rey's exam table. She slid off and started pulling off her clothes. She knew what he meant — this time was a lot less intimidating than the first, now that she recognized and understood the process a little better. Still, it made her laugh.

"Because we've done this exactly _once_. That makes us pros."

He took her clothes from her and put them in his lap, folding them up neatly in unconscious habit. Rey settled back on the table and draped the sheet over her exposed lap, watching his movements with amusement. Tidy Ben. So much her opposite.

"So, I noticed you didn't correct her," he said after a minute, setting her things on the unoccupied chair.

"You didn't either."

The corner of his mouth curled up, his jaw working back and forth over some amused quip he didn't share. Eventually he said, "Well, I suppose it doesn't matter, does it?"

"I'm not planning on seeing her again," Rey agreed with a shrug. "So it's not a big deal if she wants to think that."

Ben folded his arms over his chest, leaning back in his chair to stretch his long legs out. He tucked his chin in, eyes on the floor, that little smile lingering. "Sure."

"When do you think we should start talking about names?" Rey asked, deliberately changing the subject.

Ben over at her in surprise, looking as if this had not occurred to him. Which was funny, because in every other particular he seemed to be ten steps ahead of her. Yet another conversation that had been pulled under by their stubborn refusal to talk about meaningful things. "Names…Yeah. I guess we do need to do that."

"Obviously what we learn here will help narrow down our options." Rey tried to keep it light, because for some reason her heart squeezed with a strange, jumpy little pressure to think about discussing name preferences with him, deciding the sounds that this new person would go by for the rest of their lives.

She didn't know who named her. She didn't know where _Rey_ came from, except that people had been calling her that all her life. Even Johnson was something someone just tossed onto her for no discernible reason. It wasn't her parent's last name, as far as anyone knew. They'd left no information at all of themselves when they abandoned her. Rey tried to look into it once. She couldn't get far. There was simply nothing to find.

So it seemed a monumentally important task. The first parental right she didn't really know how to seize.

"Where did _Ben_ come from?" she asked him. A long time ago she tried calling him _Benjamin_ as a joke. He told her Ben wasn't short for anything. He wasn't _Benjamin_.

"My great-uncle," he said. "My grandpa's brother. Both my mom and Luke were pretty close to him growing up, I guess. I don't know a whole lot about him, to be honest. He died when I was pretty young."

Rey remembered Leia telling her how she wasn't close to her father at all. It didn't surprise her she'd not chosen to name Ben after him instead. But she hadn't heard about this uncle, so it did tickle her curiosity a little. She supposed families were a very common source for names. Would Ben want to use a family name?

She didn't have long to think about this, because a moment later Maeve was back, cheerful and friendly and ready to get down to business. She tucked a pillow behind Rey's back and one behind her head, sliding one more under Rey's knees. "So you're comfortable," she said. It helped a little with the pressure of being mostly on her back. She got the machine going, and gently lifted Rey's shirt up over her bump, pulling the sheet down until it was just covering her groin.

"Is this your first baby?" she asked conversationally as she squirted warm gel over Rey's rounded skin.

Rey slid one hand behind her head to prop herself up better than the pillow itself did, feeling a little awkward at this semi-reclined angle.

"Yeah," she said.

"Exciting! Well, the way this works is we're gonna take some measurements and check out Baby's skeleton and organs, alright? Make sure everything looks good. I won't be able to tell you everything that I see, that's for you and your doctor to discuss, but I can point out some things. We'll take some fun pictures too, if Baby will cooperate. Are you wanting to find out the sex?"

"Yes," said Rey, glancing again at Ben for confirmation.

He nodded.

"Great," said Maeve. She picked up the transducer and swirled it through the gel on Rey's abdomen. She settled in, running it over the curve. Blobby black and white images appeared on the TV screen. Rey knew immediately that there was _a lot_ more to see than last time, just from a couple swipes of the transducer. Something that looked really _big_ occupied that black bubble of space.

"Ooohkay," Maeve cooed softly, swiveling her instrument to a spot she liked. A big round object blobbed onto the screen. "So we're just gonna start from the top and make our way down to the toes. This is looking down at the top of Baby's head. I'm just gonna take some measurements here…"

She clicked a button and Rey and Ben watched as a white line on the screen pivoted across the circumference of the crown. The oval suddenly bobbed out of the way, engulfed in darkness, leaving the white stretched over nothing. Rey felt a simultaneous tumble inside her, something firm and large pushing into her side. She winced.

"Camera shy," Maeve joked. She slid the transducer around a little, searching for the lump.

"Hard relate," Ben murmured. Rey laughed softly.

Maeve hummed in amusement when she found another round object. "Looks like we got ourselves a flipper here. Now we're looking at a butt. Might as well take a peek at the goods while we're at it, huh? Solve the mystery?"

Rey nodded, glancing between Maeve and the screen. For reasons she didn't fully understand, her heart started to race. She peeked at Ben beside her. He leaned forward, elbows on his knees, hands clasped together and up against his lips as he started intently at the flatscreen where images of their child appeared in grainy, uncertain detail.

"Shy little thing, aren't you, Baby?" Maeve said softly, "Keeping those legs crossed and tucked. Very modest."

She pressed the transducer into Rey's skin a little firmer, nudging the lump Rey guessed was a bum. The little thing inside her, and the thing on the screen, squirmed.

"Better," hummed Maeve. "Kick, kick. That's it."

Rey really had no idea what they were looking at now. It seemed like a lot of visual nonsense. But apparently it made sense to the trained eye of their sonographer because Maeve made a satisfied sound and announced:

"Okay, so looks like you two have got a little girl on the way."

A _girl_.

Maeve laughed. "Well, well, see right here? That's a very clear view of the labia — definitely a girl. She's not going to leave us with any doubt."

 _She_.

Rey's heart felt like it had stopped in her chest now. Not pounding, but utterly still, held there in suspension with her breath. A warm sensation radiated from her center, trickling through her limbs and veins and breaths. A sensation like —

She looked over at Ben.

"A… _daughter_ …" he said in a choked, broken voice, his hands falling away from his face. When he turned towards her, she saw that his eyes were — _glistening_.

"Ben," she gasped, reaching her hand out towards him. "Are you…?"

He shook his head, swallowing hard, unable to speak, taking her hand and pressing it to his mouth in a trembling kiss.

"You — you can't — cry," she said unsteadily, pressure already forming in her chest, in her throat, behind her eyes. Her vision swam as she welled up. "Or I'm gonna—"

Too late.

Tears were sliding down the sides of her face now, the feeling of _love_ overwhelming her, for him, for their _daughter_. For this silly, presumptuous, likable ultrasound technician. Rey felt like she could love the whole world right now, so big and full was her heart, and how mushy it was, seeing the way Ben was _shattered_ by his own emotions. A titan of a man, reduced to a tearful mess because of a tiny, sweet potato-sized girl. He scooted in close, hiding against Rey's shoulder, shuddering through his own tears.

After a minute he huffed this breathless kind of laugh and lifted his head again, wiping at his eyes with the back of his hand. His voice sounded soft and wrecked. "I'm sorry. I don't know what's happening."

"It's alright," Maeve said, so gently. "It's normal."

He stood up and leaned over to kiss Rey, and she thought maybe it was her favorite kiss yet, gentle and brief and heatless as it was, because there was so much tenderness in the way his lips brushed over hers. He pulled back and held there for a second, eyes pouring into hers. Her hand rested on his cheek. Rey felt absolutely drowned in his stare.

And something clicked into place in her mind.

_Oh._

"I love you," he breathed, and his breath hitched.

Yes. He did. She saw it. She _felt_ it. Every cell of her body of her body ignited with the knowledge.

"I love you too," she whispered.

"Adorable," Maeve sighed happily. "You two are adorable. I got a cute shot of her feet, by the way. I'll print it for you at the end. I'm going to move on to check some of her organs and her heart."

Ben sat back down on his chair, but took her hand again, resting his arm on the table beside her. His eyes lingered on her too. Rey knew she should pay attention, she _wanted_ to see, but she couldn't make herself look away from him.

It wasn't until Maeve clicked on the audio and their daughter's heartbeat came racing through the room like the steady, sure gallop of a small horse that their attention broke and snapped back to the screen. They could see the little muscle and its dark, seemingly empty chambers, pumping away in a perfect approximation of how it would work her whole life. A miraculous machine meant to cycle and recycle, to carry her forward, to power the miracle of her mind. But more than that too, a metaphorical seat for her tiny, new soul. A place that would swell with joys and break with sorrows, that would throb with something so much like pain but too good to actually hurt when the person she loved best in the world said that they loved her too. A piece of herself she would let someone else take, because she trusted them to keep it safe.

A heart Rey would fiercely protect her whole life.

She couldn't stop brushing away tears with her one free hand, even as Maeve continued the scan, checked the little sweet potato's brain, checked her spine, checked her face.

They saw a bean-shape in profile, with a skeletal spine in bright white shapes running down the length of it. The bean squirmed and rolled away into the darkness, forcing Maeve to chase her once again. Her tiny legs kicked and she tumbled restlessly. Rey experienced the strangest collision of information, seeing the manifestation on the screen, feeling each twist and push within her. It made it all so real. So incredibly real. And for the first time since all this began, Rey was overcome with the ache to have this active little creature in her arms.

They looked at all her organs, her tiny kidneys and bladder and lungs, counted her toes, counted her fingers. They saw the profile of a face, too. A round head, tiny nose, little lips. A tiny first, curled up by her eyes.

"Does she look more like Mom, or Dad?" Maeve asked, and then laughed, because there was no way to answer that question from the low-quality images on the screen.

The baby's other hand was splayed open. Maeve got a picture.

"She's waving hello!"

She was the most beautiful thing Rey had ever seen. Fuzzy and grainy and a little alien, _definitely_ alien, with the black holes where the ultrasound waves couldn't pick up her eyes, the way her bones appeared in bright white, her skinny little limbs, but still perfect in every way.

"She's measuring a _little_ bit small for her gestational age," Maeve said lightly. "But I'd be surprised if your doc changes your due date. I think she's just a dainty little thing."

This was Ben's baby. Rey didn't think there would be much _little_ about her in a decade or so. But maybe. At this point, who knew? Rey's imagination was running away with all the possibilities for how this girl would look as an infant, as a child, as a grown woman. A piece of Ben. A piece of Rey. Living and walking around the world.

Maeve finished up by taking some measurements of the uterus, ovaries, and placenta, the amniotic fluid, the cord, and a few other procedural things Rey didn't fully understand. She printed out a string of images for them — two crossed feet, an outstretched, wide-fingered hand, a profile of her face, a profile of her whole body, and a close up of some grainy little lips and a wee nose.

"Okay," Maeve announced after she wiped Rey free off the gel. "You're free to go after you get dressed. We'll send this information over to your doctor and she can discuss it with you at your next appointment. Congratulations, you guys."

"Thank you," Rey told her.

Ben stood, his huge body unfolding and taking up entirely too much space in that little room. "Yes, thank you."

Maeve smiled again and ducked out.

Rey took the towel she gave her and began wipe the rest of the gel away.

Ben handed her clothes over. She felt a little shaky getting dressed, and her heart wouldn't stop hammering in her chest. She could feel Ben watching her. The weight of his stare made her limbs feel like jelly.

When she got herself put back together, he stepped into her, wrapping his hands around her waist to give her another incredibly tender kiss, one that promised something profound.

"We need to talk," he rumbled quietly. "Where do you want to go?"

"Anywhere," she said.

Ben took her hand and pulled her efficiently out of the little room and out of the imaging center entirely.

* * *

Last summer, Poe decided that the friend group was too used to comfort, and they should all try roughing it for a few days. _A bonding experience_ , he said. He organized a three day camping trip in the mountains, a couple hours away from any modern amenities. At first he wanted to make it a backpacking trip, but a number of the friends (Rey included) could not afford to buy appropriate gear, or even rent it, and the other handful just didn't want to. So he capitulated by agreeing to a car-camping experience.

Everyone indulged Poe's eccentricities. They usually worked out for the best and they all made great memories. This, however, was not one of those times.

The remote campground he'd planned on was a first-come-first-serve deal. They didn't accept reservations. When they got there, all the spaces were filled. And so was the next one. And the next. And the next. All the reserved sites were full too. They finally ended up at this sad little campground beside a reservoir about 20 minutes away from home, not in the mountains at all. That too ended up being crowded, but at least they got a few tent pads.

They managed to find a little bit of the good moods they'd started the day with once they got to roast hot dogs, but even that took too much arguing about how exactly one _built_ a fire, until Ben finally shut them all up by revealing his previously secret bushcraft skills and made a wonderful fire. That was the day they all learned Ben had earned his Eagle, growing up in the scouting program, and forever after teased him about being the group's resident Boy Scout.

The good moods sustained them until bed, where they quickly deteriorated again. Nobody slept well that night. Another group at the far end of the campground had a dog who wouldn't stop barking. Most of the friends didn't have adequate gear. Some of them, like Rose, were terrified a bear was going to come eat them in the night.

Rey had never been camping before, but she didn't think it was as bad as everyone else. She had grown up sleeping with the unease of being exposed and vulnerable, so even though she hadn't done it since becoming an adult, her body adapted to the unfamiliar, vaguely threatening surroundings quickly. She didn't think about bears or other animals. And Ben had given her a camping pad and sleeping bag to use, so she was comfortable. Hux and Rose, and Gwen and her girlfriend at the time, all shared a tent, and Poe and Finn shared a tent. So Rey ended up in another with Jess, Tallie, and Jannah. Jannah had some previous camping experience and promptly went to sleep. Jess and Tallie, however, were among the underprepared, overly-nervous, and spent the night softly complaining about being uncomfortable, or cold, or scared by every sound. Rey tried to ignore them, but once Jannah started snoring, she gave up.

She took her stuff and went outside. Ben had elected to forgo a tent entirely. He didn't want to share with anyone, so he declined every invitation and just laid a tarp on his spot. Rey found him there, stretched out on his back in his down bag, on his long pad, looking up at the stars. She put her stuff down next to him and joined him. They didn't even say anything. They didn't have to.

Everyone woke up grumpy, annoyed about the sun rising earlier than they wanted, and by mid-morning tempers were flaring again.

Ben wandered off, abandoning the others to their bickering while he set off on a trail that vanished into the woods around the reservoir. Rey saw him go, and hurried to follow. He smiled a little when she caught up to him, but again, neither of them really spoke.

The trail wound around a bit and then climbed a hill that rose up out of the woods. They made their way to the top and were rewarded with a lovely view of the sparkling reservoir and a glimmering city beyond it, all fresh and new in the morning sunlight. The campground lay below them, and they could see their friends trying to make oatmeal and omelets on the camping stove Poe had bought for the occasion. They couldn't hear the arguing, though, which made this lofty spot perfect. They sat side by side on the grassy knoll, looking out over everything, snatching peace in the midst of a poorly-conceived idea.

They were good at that.

Things often worked out that way for them. When the unexpected befell them, they adapted. All their improvised solutions to curveballs had turned into some of their best memories.

Ben drove to the reservoir now. He parked at the same campground, now empty in the middle of a late May week, and together they headed for the same trail. Just like before, they didn't really talk. Unlike before, though, they went hand in hand. The forest smelled clean and fresh, and Rey thought it might be the best air she'd breathed in a long time. Sunlight streamed through new spring growth, tinging the green leaves gold and the blossoms fiery white. The air against her skin was crisp and full.

When they got to the top of the hill, Rey felt completely calm. The high from what had happened at the imaging center lingered, but it soothed into something less dizzying, more sweet. That same peace they'd found up here before wrapped around her now, settling deep into her bones, into her full, happy heart.

They sat in roughly the same spot, overlooking the water and the city.

And for a while, they were silent. Just listening to birdsong and insect percussion, part of life but removed from it as well.

Eventually, though, Ben spoke.

"I need to tell you something."

She looked over at him. The sunlight softened the black of his hair, drawing out a deep shade of brown normally too dark to detect, tinging it with a reddish glow.

"Is it about what we said in the office?" she asked softly.

He nodded. "It's about that. Because for a long time I've been pretending, and I don't think I can do that anymore. I don't want to open this door if you aren't willing to walk through it with me, but I can't — I can't let you misunderstand what I meant there. And I can't listen to you say things like that back and keep my silence. I'm sorry if this ruins everything."

Hmm. Maybe she'd misinterpreted what she saw in his face. She thought she saw _love_ , the same kind she felt, but possibly she'd misread it. Still, she wouldn't jump to conclusions right now. She would wait to hear what he had to say.

"I _do_ love you, Ben."

"I know you do," he murmured, picking at a blade of grass. "We couldn't be as close as we are without it. But I don't love you like that, Rey. Not in the kind of way that friends say _oh, she's great, I love her_. Or _see you tomorrow, love you!_ I have never, ever felt that way about you."

Rey held her breath, her guts twisting in a funny kind of anticipation.

Ben turned to her. His eyes warm milk chocolate in the sun. They were boyish and vulnerable, but they also glimmered with something that was distinctly adult. Distinctly _man_.

"I'm in love with you, Rey. I have been for years."

A puff of air escaped her lips. An exquisite warmth spread through her breast.

She knew.

It was what she realized in the office, what she'd witnessed in his face and in his actions for a long time now. She'd seen it every day since she'd told him what happened. She'd seen it throughout their acquaintance, in his kindness. In his affection. In all their interactions. She'd seen it, but had not recognized what it was before today. Before he looked at her the way he had.

And she couldn't breathe, because the knowledge streaked through her on burning tides. Ben was _hers_.

His eyes searched her, searched for some reply to rescue him from this ledge off which he dangled. She reached for him, for his face. She ran her fingers down his brow, brushing some of that silky hair behind his ear, trailing her fingertips down his cheek.

"I think I knew that's what you meant. It's what I meant, when I said it. The way I feel for you — it isn't what friends feel. It's...more. I'm in love with you too."

His eyes widened in astonishment, in disbelief.

She exhaled shakily. "I'm sorry it's taken me this long to know it. Ive been too afraid to face my own feelings. Too afraid of what I felt for you, because I thought you didn't want it."

He huffed a soft, incredulous breath, shaking his head. "Did you honestly miss all the signs? Did you honestly believe I wouldn't want you?"

"I was too scared of the possibility to consider anything else. What we had was too good. It made me happy enough. I thought I could live that way forever, rather than making it—"

"Complicated," he finished for her. "Yeah. Me too."

"I couldn't let myself want you like that, Ben. I couldn't risk being thrown away again."

Ben's brow knit together, his eyes rapidly filling with concern. She brushed her fingers over his skin again, reassuring him out of his reply so she could continue.

"But while you were gone, I realized it's too late to worry about that now. It's complicated, even if we didn't want it to be. So I have to face it, because I can't — I can't watch you make a life with anyone else. You've always been mine. And I've always been yours."

A strangled little sound died somewhere in his throat, a whimper, maybe, of desperation. "There's no one else, Rey. There never has been." But there was a tiny look of uncertainty in his face too. He slid a hand onto her bump. "Do you — is there any possibility that these things you're feeling are just...just because of her?"

"No," said Rey. "And yes. It's what you said, on the phone. What happened has been the catalyst to push me into confronting the feelings I've had for you for a long time. Longer than I thought. Maybe as long as you."

"Not possible," he breathed, pulling her into him, his lips ghosting over hers, but not quite touching yet. "I have loved you from the start, Rey. And there's no way for you to know how deep my feelings for you go. I went along with being your best friend because, like you said, it was too good to risk. But all along, there has never been anyone for me but you. I know you, Rey Johnson. I see all of you. And I will never throw you away."

Tears welled in her eyes again and she melted into him, into his touch, his insistence, his Ben-ness. He held her and brushed away her tears, as he had many times before. And then he did kiss her. His lips were bold and firm their their mission, tenderness mingled with a kind of ferocity made to convince her of his promise. His thumb and forefinger held her chin to steady her, keep her there. Not that Rey could have parted from him if she wanted to. And she really, really didn't want to.

She grazed her teeth into his lower lip, and he made this _noise_ , and then her tongue swiped against his in greeting.

His arms wound around her and he sunk back in the grass, pulling her halfway on top of him. She supported herself so she didn't crush her belly against him, wholly committed to devouring as much as she could find. His fingers traveled down her arms and up them again.

"God I love you," he groaned into her mouth.

"Say it again," she sighed.

"I love you."

She took to his lips again, hungry for so much more, moving herself to straddle over him, bracing herself on his chest. His hands slid up her thighs, over her ass, around the sides of her bump, everywhere he could touch. It was awkward, hovering like that to protect her swell, and maybe he sensed it because suddenly he was sitting up again, pushing her back in his lap, and there was room enough between them for _her,_ and now she could run her fingertips along the crest of his ears and into his soft, silky hair.

He pushed her back after a minute though, holding her face between his hands, his eyes searching hers intently. "Can we please break your lease?"

She blinked, looking up from his blood-plump lips. "What?"

"Your lease, on your apartment. Please let me pay to break it. You're already living with me ninety percent of the time now, let's just bring your stuff and make it all the time."

Her eyes widened and she sat back a little more. "You want me to move in?"

"Yes," he said. "Rey, I don't want to co-parent with you. I want to be a family. The three of us."

"The fourteen of us."

"What?"

"You said you want a dozen." A slow, sly smile spread unbidden at the corners of her mouth. "Better get a bigger place than your condo. I don't know where we'd put a dozen of them."

He laughed. It was the best sound in the world. "I'm working on it, sweetheart. In the meantime, does that mean yes? You're done with your apartment for good?"

She blushed at the pet name, but didn't correct him for once. There were no rules anymore. "I think you'll regret it when you realize how much stuff I have."

He laughed again, softer this time, kissing her, then trailing his mouth down her neck to suckle briefly at her collarbone. "I know you, Rey. I know exactly how much stuff you have. Bring it all."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> No, no, calm down, they're not really having twelve children. But there is a ring and Ben's down payment fund and some names to discuss. So, stay tuned.
> 
>  **ALSO** I went back and forth for a bit with baby's gender, because Ben is such a papa of little girls, but also my baby son has me soft for tiny boys right now. Your guys' input definitely helped. And I was crazy about the suggestion about naming her Olive! *melts* but guys...Olive Solo sounds terrible out loud. Say it out loud. It sounds like "I'll live solo." So...I dunno. Gonna have to think about this a bit. I have a whole fun chapter outlined where they discuss names.


	12. In Transition

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Some smut, a fond farewell, and Leia. POV Ben.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Guys, I'm so, so sorry for the slower updates. When I started out, the goal was once a day. But then this story ran away from me and just kept going, and once a day became every two, and now it's shifting to every three to four. I'll try to tighten it back to two, if I can. In the meantime, thanks for being patient with me! I also got a wee bit distracted writing a Reylo/Lady and the Tramp crossover one-shot. It's being posted to my Twitter timeline (at little_womp_rat) but I'll also put it up here when it's done. It's clean. No smut, because...Disney. Lol.
> 
> Anyway. I was having a hard time making this chapter come together until I realized these two just really, really wanted to bone. So...once I let them get dirty, they cooperated better. Enjoy.

**CHAPTER TWELVE**

**In Transition**

* * *

TWENTY-TWO WEEKS: BELL PEPPER

"Where are you? When are you getting here?" Ben asked, leaning on the tower of boxes containing Rey's canned goods. He put the phone on speaker and set it down on top of the stack so Rey could hear too while he stuck each box with green circle stickers.

"I don't know. I just heard the worst thing from my mom." Poe's voice cut in roughly from the device.

"What happened?" His concern surged, for both his friend and Shara and Kes, Poe's mother and father, who had been like second parents to him growing up. He gave Rey a startled glance. "Is everything okay?"

She sat at her counter, wrapping jars of peaches in protective paper. Her brow knit together in sudden worry.

Poe sounded annoyed, not distressed when he spoke again. "No, it is _not_ okay. She told me what your mother told her, which is that you guys found out you're having a girl."

All the initial concern vanished, replaced by mild irritation. "Why would you say it like that? Fuck, Poe, I thought something happened to your parents."

"What? No? They're fine," Poe said in confusion.

Ben sighed and rolled his eyes. "Okay, so why is that the worst thing? Do you not approve of girls?"

"Of course I do! It's great! But it's also terrible because you guys were supposed to do a gender reveal party. I didn't want to find out this way! Do you know your mom is going around just blabbing it to everyone?"

"Yeah, it's not a big deal. And what the fuck is a gender reveal party?" Ben asked. He glanced at Rey again to see if she knew, but she just gave him this wide-eyed shake of her head, as baffled as he was. Honestly, it sounded like another one of Poe's made up traditions he liked to invoke to get everyone together under some theme.

Poe groaned into the phone. "Buddy, you are so poorly prepared for this dad gig. Get on social media once in a while. See what people who aren't sixty years old are doing these days, particularly people in your boat, about to be parents. Get on Instagram and check out some gender reveal videos."

"I'm not going to do that."

"You should. They're great. Ideally you two wouldn't know either, so we could all react to the surprise together. But you guys ruined that part."

"Why the hell would I want to share that moment with any of you?"

Poe sighed in exasperation. "Because your community loves you, Nosferatu, and sometimes it's fun to _feel_ how much everyone loves you. Celebrate together. And it can be any kind of gimmick that suits you. Like some people hit a hollow ball full of pink or blue powder so it explodes on impact. Or some people get a cake with white frosting and pink or blue inside, so when you cut a slice, we all get to see. Although that one might be too wedding-esque for your taste. Or you open a box of pink or blue balloons. Let's see...there's smoke bombs but I heard about a couple who started a forest fire with that. Oh! Maybe—"

"Poe," Ben interrupted, shaking his head even though his friend couldn't see it. "We're not doing that."

"I know, the smoke bomb is bad-"

"No. I mean, we're not doing any of it."

There was a note of silence from the phone. Ben and Rey glanced at one another, amusement humming between them. She grinned. He rolled his eyes.

"Solo," Poe said with obvious annoyance. "You can be a real killjoy."

Ben didn't deny this. "I can."

"Why don't you want to do it?"

"Because it sounds ridiculous. Why can't we just tell people? Or better yet, let my mother go around telling people?"

"Because that isn't fun. You have no imagination. I'm going to call Rey. She'll agree with me here because she understands _fun_."

"Hi, Poe," Rey chimed in with a huge grin. "Right here, actually."

"Oh! You guys are — together — great," Poe sounded surprised, and then disappointed. "So you heard. Will you please tell Ben that he's being a giant pain in the ass and that this would be a great way to tell everyone your good news?"

"Actually, at the risk of being un-fun, I have to tell you that I'm with Ben on this."

Poe cried in dismay. "What? Why?"

"It just sounds silly, honestly. But if you want to have a party, we can just have one. No need for a reason. We'll even go around telling people while we're there."

"That's so boring," Poe sighed. "What is wrong with both of you?"

"She's being generous," said Ben. "I don't even think we need a party for this. Can't we just put it on the group chat?"

"No!" Poe gasped.

"Actually, that's a good idea," said Rey, laughing. "We could do it right now."

"No, Ben, Rey, come on, you're killing me with this. Please, please, just let me help you find the right idea."

"Get your own baby to announce, Poe," Ben remarked.

Something was happening that piqued his interest far more than this conversation. The sun filtered through the drape-less windows and bathed the apartment in a warm golden glow. It made Rey's hazel eyes sparkle. She kept tugging her bottom lip between her teeth as she wrapped jars, sometimes her tongue poked out to wet them. Her smiles at Poe's silliness dimpled there at her cheeks, and her nutmeg hair was starting to fall out of the messy bun she wore to keep her hair off her neck. Ben realized how distractingly pretty the scene was, and Rey was, and suddenly he wanted to do something about it. A hunger stirred in him. A content cat waking up a nap, realizing desirable prey was _right here_.

"I hate you guys," muttered Poe. "But at least you can't stop me from throwing you a shower. That's happening."

"Fine, but you'll have to fight my mother for it," Ben said dismissively. He was done with Poe. He wanted to kiss this gorgeous girl on the other side of the counter now. She met his glance and blinked, grinning in surprise by what she saw there. Her eyebrows raised in silent question.

Ben nodded.

Their friend was still talking. "She can plan her own, and I can work something out for just us, like we did for Paige."

"Poe," Ben said, interrupting him again. "How soon will you get here?"

"Thirty minutes?" sighed Poe. "Maybe more. Probably more. I haven't showered yet."

Ben gave his phone a perplexed look. "Why would you shower before moving furniture?"

"Some of us aren't cave dwellers, Benedict Smellybatch. Some of us think it's fine to shower twice or three times in a day. I bet you don't even wash your legs in the shower, do you?"

"Yes I do. Clean up all you want, Dameron, just as long as we get this done today."

"We will. Chill out. I'll be there soonish."

"Fine."

Ben hung up and immediately stepped over to Rey, taking the jar she currently held in her other hand and set it on the counter. He pulled her to her feet and stepped in to catch her lips in his, arms winding around the small of her back. She crooned softly in the back of her throat, a surprised, pleased sound that made his heart thump.

"Wow," she laughed when he pulled back by an inch. "That feels like you want this to go somewhere."

"I do."

"Kind of sudden, isn't it?"

"You're just — you're always beautiful, but right now in this light...I can't pay attention to anything else. Do you not want to?"

"Yes, I do. Of course." She hesitated. "But Poe?"

"—Is going to take forever," he said in a low rumble, running a lock of her stray hair through his fingers. "We've got time."

"But my bed is already disassembled." Her glance flashed over to the pieces of the frame lying in a tidy bundle by the door. "And you threw away my mattress, or else we could have put it on the floor."

Yes, he had happily thrown that nasty old thing away. Ben would throw away a lot more of her junk if she'd let him. Or donate what was salvageable. Keep only what actually mattered. The problem was that Rey thought everything mattered. So for now, a storage unit would do.

"You still have a mostly acceptable pullout couch," he murmured, dipping in to taste her again in a languid, indulgent kiss. "Which, given the circumstances, seems an appropriate farewell to this place."

She laughed softly against him, "Very appropriate."

It was really all the go ahead he needed. He left her briefly, efficiently tearing off the cushions and lifting out that shitty pullout bed he'd slept on for two weeks, unfolding it. She hadn't replaced the sheets on it, apparently, because a worn, saggy, threadbare, mattress greeted him. Ugly and shabby. But it didn't matter. They'd thoroughly ruin it now, stick it into storage, and someday when he'd convinced her that he would provide comfort and security, that she didn't need to cling to these thrift store vestiges of her old life, they could get rid of it. Maybe burn it, as some kind of symbolic gesture to the universe. Or something.

Rey came over, perching on the arm of the couch while he replaced the cushions, sliding them up against the back, arranging them to his satisfaction. He kept glancing at her, the fire licking through his veins coming to settle somewhere in his face. It really was a lucky thing that her extra blood flow made her more interested in sex than usual, because something about the way she looked these days inflamed him. Ben had never before looked at the roundness of a gravid woman and been aroused, but _god_ it did powerful things to him to see Rey in that state.

At her last appointment, Doctor Holdo had admonished Rey to try to gain a bit more weight. A certain amount of body fat was good for pregnancy, she said. Ben wasn't sure how Rey would manage it, because for as long as he'd known her, she ate like a sugar-and-bread-addicted horse and yet still was only ever the same size. He assumed it was some byproduct of her severe malnutrition growing up. But somehow, her body had responded to the doctor's request. All her hard lines and sharp angles were _softer_ now.

Ben loved it. He loved her before, and he loved her now, and he thought it exciting to rediscover her body over and over again in all its changes.

When he was satisfied with his arrangement, he went to her. His hands wrapped around her waist. She tipped her face to him, pulling herself up so she could reach his mouth.

A month ago, at the dinner at his parent's house, Ben couldn't think of anything worse than going on that business trip. He didn't want to leave Rey in the midst of the subtle shifts happening between them. Nor did he want to leave her alone in the midst of her physical distress either. She might not have classified it as distress, but from his perspective, every facet of pregnancy looked like it should count as distressing.

But he was forever grateful now that she had made him go. Rey wasn't the same person when he got back. For one, she sported a visible, _irresistible_ bump (one he wanted to touch all the time.) And for another, all the walls he'd always sensed around her were gone. It thrilled him. It unnerved him. He'd decided while he was away that he couldn't be as patient as he thought anymore. He needed to act. So coming home to discover this new Rey was terrifyingly opportune. And he began to take risks. Like kissing her.

God, he was so glad he'd kissed her.

Everything had changed then. And now it was all so, so very close to what he'd ever dreamed of. So close he could _taste_ it.

Rey wore this yellow sundress that made her skin glow in a rich, toasted tan, and hugged her bump perfectly. Ben wanted to tear it off her. But given the expedited nature of this impromptu debauchery, he decided to work with it instead. He took hold of the sides of her skirt and backed towards the couch, pulling her to him. She wrapped her arms around his neck instinctively. He lifted her and eased her onto the pullout, propped up against the cushions so she wasn't flat.

Her breathing had picked up already, grinning wide and beautiful after he kissed her again, crouched over her like an apex predator above his prey. He liked her grin. It was such a wide, toothy, goddamn charming thing.

"We're going to _ruin_ this couch," he promised in a dark, low rumble.

Her hand splayed over his neck, slid up to his jaw, to the back of his head. Her touch sent shivers down his spine, straight to his groin.

"Pretty sure we already have," she laughed softly.

He shimmied the skirt of her dress up, his grip tight on her thighs as his lips met hers one more time, hungry and ready to devour. Then he transferred from her lips to her jaw, working his way to that space just below her ear. Her breath rattled through his hair, her body arching against him as he trailed down her throat, nipping and sucking at a place on her collar beneath the wide strap of her dress. Marking her, where nobody else would see it. He licked the spot to soothe it before giving her wide, glassy eyes a hungry look and moving below.

Ben didn't intend to get to all of her body right now. They didn't have that kind of time. So he left her dress on, merely rucking up the fabric from the place he was most interested in. Here he pressed kisses into her inner thighs, his fingers hooking into the elastic of her underwear. Deftly, he slid it down her legs, and she lifted her hips to help him get it over her bum. Once she was free of them, he gently pushed her legs apart and continued his slow ascent up her thighs with his lips until she squirmed above him. He could see how wet she was getting from this treatment alone, and it made his ego curl in dark satisfaction. Wet for _him_.

Eventually he nosed into her, his senses flooded with the smell of her, heady and erotic and deliciously familiar, parting her and bumping up against that one button that made her suck in a sharp breath. He did it a couple more times, his hands kneading the inside of her thighs, thumbs pressing against her outer lips.

With the first swipe of his tongue, a loud moan came rushing out of her in a desperate exhale. He smirked and did it again, his tongue wide and flat, licking long, languid stripes from her soaking core up to her clit. She was quickly becoming a _mess_. Ben didn't care. He took his time, focusing only on the taste of her and how her body writhed with each pass, and how silky her skin was against his taste buds.

"Fuck, Ben," she mumbled brokenly when he probed into her with his tongue.

He hummed, low and resonant, and she gasped. He drank her nectar right from the source, and when he could feel the tremble that told him she was close, he slid two of his thick, blunt fingers into her and sucked gently at her clit. She whimpered, her head arching back into the cushions as he scissored his fingers, her hands clawing uselessly for purchase into the bald mattress at her sides. He crooked his fingers into that deep spot and pulled her orgasm forward until she writhed in it.

She didn't even know what she did to him, but every time she fell apart like this, Rey made Ben feel like a _god_. The sounds he could draw out of her, the blush in her cheeks, the responses of her body, it made him feel omnipotent.

Another of innumerable reasons why he loved her. And here again came the head rush, the dizzying euphoria when he remembered that he was allowed to feel that now, and allowed to _say it_.

"Ben," she pleaded when she came down from her crisis, and he gentled his touch to a soothing caress. He shucked off his pants and used them to wipe his chin before he crawled up to her, leaning his forehead onto hers. Her hands cradled his face.

"I love you," he whispered, savoring the feel of those words tumbling out into the open.

"I know," she crooned happily, a blissful grin breaking over her face. "And you're doing so well showing me how much. Keep going."

Her hips lifted, her distended stomach pushing into him as her wet groin rocked up against his aching length. An involuntary shiver ran through him. He adjusted, sweeping his lips against hers while one hand snaked between them again and he gently, slowly worked three fingers into her. Her chest heaved against him, little noises dying in the back of her throat. His tongue teased into her mouth, giving her a taste of herself. Ben pulled back sharply, realizing what he'd done. They'd never tried that before. He was so used to her flavor, and so eager to just kiss her, that he'd forgotten what he'd been doing a minute ago.

"Sorry," he said cautiously.

She shook her head, pulling him back down by his hair. "'S okay," she breathed, sliding her tongue against his before sucking him into her mouth.

Ben's whole chest rumbled with pleasure. He worked her with his hand until he was convinced she was relaxed and opened enough, and then moved away, both with lips and fingers. He adjusted her and himself, careful not to crush the swell of her middle as he guided himself into her.

Rey exhaled a soft moan, head lolling back again. But Ben didn't want that. With one hand he cupped her face and brought her back, holding her gaze as he inched into her. It made his stomach flutter like a swarm of butterflies to witness what those heated hazel eyes held for him. Even though she'd said it out loud, frequently now, to _see_ the evidence for himself, it made him feel giddy and euphoric, like a boy swooning with his first crush.

She held onto his shoulders as he rocked in and out, gently at first but growing bolder as his own need climbed and dragged hers along with it. He held himself above her so as not to put any weight on her, leaning his forehead against hers as tension coiled low in his gut. Her breaths and squeaks and whimpers filled his head until he forgot about everything else. Her legs wrapped around him and he pushed up with each thrust, driving hard into that spot she liked.

"You — need to tell me—" he tried to grind out, "if it's too—"

"It's good," she huffed, clinging to him. "You can go harder if you want."

It would be over a lot sooner if he did, but Ben couldn't resist. He shifted himself forward, pushing into her even deeper at this adjusted angle, and drilled into her ruthlessly, savoring each frantic drag of her grasping walls against him, each glossy wet return to her superheated depths, the mind-blowing tug of her tightness. He knew from the way she tensed up suddenly and sank her teeth into his shoulder with a distressed sound of exquisite release that she had crested already, but he was too far gone to ease her through it. He plowed on, hijacked by the rushing approach of his own, driving himself headlong into it until a low noise wrenched from his chest and curled over her to bury his face in her neck.

Ben had heard orgasm described as the _little death_ once, and he supposed in a way it made sense. When he spilled into her, it left him feeling a little bit like his soul had detached from his body for the listless minutes after. But in other ways, he didn't understand it at all. Because sometimes, when he came back from that blinding bliss, it felt like the breath of life had caught fire inside him for the first time. Like he'd never been alive before that moment.

He pulled out of her and moved to her side so he could let his body collapse without crushing Rey or baby, but he couldn't lose contact yet, so he kept an arm draped over her, hand at her hip. She tugged his head into her, and he rested in the space between her bump and her breasts. Her chest rose and fell with her soft, satisfied panting, as his did. Her hands slid into his hair, combing through it affectionately.

It didn't matter that it had been several weeks since she'd started cuddling after sex, he still wasn't used to how good it felt. That he could finally hold her, or she him, and bathe in the drug-like high of intense intimacy and togetherness, it still felt more like a fantasy than reality.

Ben's hand brushed up the swell of her, possessive and adoring. "Is she moving?" he asked softly.

"No," she sighed. "She's always quiet after. I think maybe it rocks her to sleep."

Ben was glad she couldn't see the way his cheeks grew warm under this comment. As much as this pregnancy was doing strange things to her sex drive, and by extension his, and as much as her changing body turned him on, he really couldn't let himself think too much about it in the heat of the moment. Because…it was weird. And he knew, logically, that nothing he did down there could touch or disturb the baby, but it still freaked him out if he thought about it too long. So he didn't. He focused on Rey, and only Rey.

His hand trailed over the bump, his mind drifting away from this moment and into some blissed-out place. Her fingers scraped lightly over his scalp, eliciting a pleasant shiver from him.

Neither of them spoke for a few minutes. Ben's idle fingers wandered their way south, slipping mindlessly between her sticky-wet labia. His spend was leaking out of her, puddling on the mattress. He scooped some of it up on a single finger and pushed it back in, not really conscious of his actions until he heard a soft, shaky breath sigh out of her. He blinked and his stomach clenched with pleasure, even though there was nothing left in him to respond to arousal.

"What are you doing there, Ben?" she rasped.

He lifted his head, giving her a sheepish smile. "Contemplating my awe."

"Your awe?"

"That you can take this—" He swiped up another fingerful of his essence and fed it back into her, "—and make this." He dropped a kiss onto her belly. "I can't wrap my head around it."

"You know how it works," she rattled, squirming responsively under his touch, and he realized with surprised interest that she _liked_ it.

"Hm, I know the mechanics of sperm meets egg, sure," he pressed his lips to the soft yellow fabric draped over her stomach again, dipping gently into her passage. "But it's something else to watch it happening. To watch you do this."

"I don't feel like I'm really doing anything. It's happening without me," she dodged.

"You're doing _a lot._ And I'm in awe."

"Don't you get any credit? A cake is only as good as its ingredients," she joked raggedly, her pelvis tilting in to his wandering caress.

He skated a finger through her wetness and up to her nub. He didn't touch it directly — not after everything they'd done — but massaged around it instead. "That's not strictly true. Ingredients are useless by themselves. And are you comparing my daughter to a cake, Rey?"

"You —" her breath left her in a rush, when she sucked in again, she tried again. "You compare her to fruit…and potatoes…and squash varieties…all the time."

"A bell pepper today," he said distractedly, focusing on bringing her to one final, gentle release.

She laughed a rough, husky little laugh and then lost the ability to get anything else out. Ben stroked her slowly, mindful of how overworked she already was. He felt the tension in her coil, and then suddenly her fingers knotted into his hair and her whole body clenched, his name hissing out through her gritted teeth. He lifted himself up and shifted so he could kiss her then, soothing her. Maybe it wasn't fair of him to coax one more out of her when she was already so sated, but once she'd responded to his mindless touches, he really couldn't resist.

"If I weren't in love with you before," she mumbled. "I'd be a goner now."

He chuckled, rolling onto his back and pulling her in to nestle against his body, her head tucked onto his shoulder. Comfortable, deeply satisfied silence settled between them for a few minutes. And then —

"Poe will be here soon," she reminded him softly.

"Fuck him."

She laughed again. "You weren't saying that yesterday when you asked for his help."

"Shoulda called my dad," he grumbled. "He wouldn't have asked questions."

"Wait," she lifted her head and gave him a surprised look. "You were hoping this would stay a secret? Why'd you call Poe, then?"

"I wasn't thinking. Poe's my moving buddy," he said.

It hadn't occurred to him _not_ to call Poe. Ben was larger-than-average, and because of that, people always wanted to rope him into helping out with their moves. He'd grown up among the kind of people who always _hired_ movers, but somehow he still got dragged into it. And Poe, being another stripling teenager, had got dragged right along with him. Ben couldn't even imagine how to haul furniture around without him now, because they were that _good_ at it. They didn't argue about how to fit an unwieldy couch through a narrow door anymore, they knew each other well enough that they just did it.

The only time he'd moved furniture without Poe's help had been that escapade out to Lando in the desert, because Poe had been out of town, and Rey was strong enough to help him. He was glad about that time. It wouldn't have been such a great memory when the truck broke down if it had been anyone but Rey out there with him.

"Honestly, it's exhausting trying to keep stuff from them anyway," she said, rubbing over the soft cotton shirt stretched across his chest. "It's fine if he asks questions."

"You know that they're all going to crow about how they _knew it_ this whole time."

"They will. We can't stop them, and it'll happen eventually anyway, so it doesn't matter. Let them know. In fact—" her hand stilled over his heart and he turned to see a coy look crossing her face. "Let's mess with them. Shock them."

"What does that mean?"

"When he gets here, we'll show him. Just follow my lead."

Ben huffed in amusement. "That sounds dangerous."

She grinned. "Trust me."

He did.

* * *

The knock on the door reported Poe's arrival a mere five minutes after they got themselves and the couch put back together. The timing made Ben feel smug. He sauntered back to Rey's bedroom to grab a box of books, leaving her to go to the door, smirking to himself all the while.

"Hi Poe — and Finn!" He heard her exclaim. "I didn't realize you were coming too."

"I figured if hauling furniture was involved, the more hands the better," came the husky voice of Finn.

_Wrong_ , Ben thought mildly, but did not interject when he emerged with the box. It was good of Finn to come anyway, and Rey seemed genuinely happy to see him. Ben gave them both a nod as he set down his burden.

Finn looked around at all the boxes and disassembled furniture, his eyes widening. "Whoa. I thought we were gonna trade out your nasty old couch for something newer, not moving your whole ass apartment!"

Rey shoved his shoulder. "It's not nasty!"

"It definitely is," Ben chimed in.

She shot him a loaded look. They didn't need to speak to communicate what both were thinking about — the events of mere _minutes_ ago. If it wasn't nasty before, it definitely was now. Her cheeks reddened. He suppressed another smirk.

"So you're finally getting out of this hellhole, huh?" Poe said with obvious approval. "Good for you."

"It's not a hellhole," protested Rey. "Did you guys just come over here to insult my stuff and my home?"

Poe laughed. "Well it's obviously not going to be your home anymore."

Finn was giving a little tap on Rey's belly. "Does this mean you found a place big enough for you and Peanut?"

Rey batted his hand away. "Yes, I have."

Ben stepped back to her room to double check, then returned to her side and brushed his fingers over her shoulder to get her attention. "Everything's out of the room now except your dresser. We can start hauling things down while you finish the last of those jars."

Rey smiled, and in a movement so quick he didn't see it coming, leaned up on her toes to kiss him. "Thank you," she said softly. "I'm sorry I'm not more help."

Ben understood what she was doing then. He let the kiss linger, and then pulled back chuckling. He tucked some of her hair behind her ear as he slid a hand around to the small of her back. "Don't be sorry. That's why I called Poe. No heavy lifting for you, little mama."

She blushed, as she always did when he called her that, and pecked him one more time before trotting back over to the kitchen to resume her task with the jars.

Ben turned to face the two men gaping at him. He folded his arms over his chest. "Okay, here's how we're going to do this. Finn, Poe and I have a system, so why don't you tackle boxes. Green stickers go into the back of my dad's truck downstairs, blue stickers into the U-Haul. But start with the greens. Poe, you and I will do the couch first, then dresser, then the rest of the big pieces. Those are all going in the U-Haul before the blue sticker boxes."

"Whoa, whoa, wait," Poe said, shaking his head. "You want to just gloss right over that?"

"Yeah," agreed Finn. "That was new. You guys have done some weird things, but you've never done _that_."

Ben glanced between them. "What do you need to know so we can get started?"

"Are you guys…" Finn gestured helplessly between them. " _Together_ now?"

"We are," Rey chirped from the kitchen.

The two men screeched like raptors and suddenly Poe was shoving his fist into Ben's shoulder.

"I knew it!" he cried. "I _knew_ it!"

"Sure you did," Ben laughed. Poe had known more about Ben's feelings for Rey than anyone else over the years. He wasn't exactly Ben's confidant, but there had been a few honest conversations. His sense of triumph was expected, but it made Ben roll his eyes anyway.

"Since when?" Finn asked, abandoning them to hurry over to Rey. "How long?"

She shrugged. "Just a couple weeks."

"This is _great_ news," Poe exulted with a wide smile. "The _best_ news. So does the divided stuff mean some of it's going to storage and some of it's going to your house, Ben?"

"Yep, exactly."

Finn's jaw slackened and he gave Rey a further stunned look. "You guys are _moving in_ together?"

She laughed lightly and put a hand on his arm, giving him a little shake. "Finn, it's fine. Don't sound so scandalized. It's not like we're rushing into anything."

Poe scoffed. "Yeah, you two rush about as fast as glaciers move."

_Worth it_ , thought Ben.

But Finn didn't look convinced. He was giving Rey this concerned, flabbergasted look. She just shrugged and turned back to her jars. "I know what I'm doing. I love him, and we're going to be a family. The three of us."

God, Ben could honestly combust hearing her say it out loud, especially to other people. She didn't sound nervous or unsure at all, and she wasn't trying to hide it. She sounded cool and confident and happy. It blew his mind. It made his heart throb with a peculiar ache, like he couldn't trust that this happiness really belonged to him. Like the cuddling, he kept expecting to wake up and realize he was back in the friend zone. For years, he'd watched her dodge relationship after relationship, hunger for belonging but flinching from commitment. And for all that time, he had kept his secret and concealed his affections because he did not believe she could ever return them. But now she did. And it was so close to being everything he'd ever dreamed of, he couldn't quite convince himself it was real.

He could feel Poe watching him with a knowing smile.

"Let's start with the couch," Ben said to him.

"Hell yes, let's start," said Poe, rubbing his hands together. "I _so_ support this."

"You guys sure I can't help with the big stuff?" Finn asked.

"We have a system," said Poe, echoing Ben's earlier explanation. He squared himself on one end of the couch, Ben maneuvering into position on the other. "It's okay."

"Stay here with me," encouraged Rey. "I'll just finish up these jars and then I can help—"

"No," Ben cut in, the words grunting out of him as he lifted his end of the heavy pull-out couch. "When you finish you can sit right there and wait for us to be done."

"I can carry the lighter stuff!"

"No."

"An armload of coats?"

"Rey." He and Poe staggered over to the door and began to puzzle it through.

She sighed, but there was a laugh in it too. "So bossy."

The next couple hours were spent emptying Rey's apartment piece by piece. Poe peppered Ben with questions while they worked — what happened, when did it change, had Ben said the L-word, how she reacted. He wanted to know everything. Ben gave him the main pieces of information. Meanwhile Finn and Rey talked, presumably about the same thing. She followed him as he hefted boxes out to the truck, abiding Ben's insistence that she not do any work herself.

When all the big stuff was out, he and Poe started hauling boxes with Finn, and Rey went to scrub out the fridge. It went very quickly then, and soon the three men left to take the stuff to storage and Ben's apartment. When they came back, Rey had already finished scrubbing down everything that needed to be scrubbed.

Weary but satisfied with their work, they all four stood in Rey's barren apartment and surveyed the emptiness. The same that she'd lived in since graduating. The same one Ben had slept in several times, and spent sickness and quarantine in. The one they'd made another human in.

A melancholy sort of mood settled over the place.

"Okay," Poe said softly. "I think we'll go and let you…say your goodbyes. Do you guys have plans for dinner? Can we maybe get together with everyone at Maz's and share the good news? _Not_ a gender reveal party—" he added hastily at their expressions. "Just a little gathering to celebrate you guys finally coming to your senses."

Ben glanced at Rey, who was looking a little misty-eyed and distracted. Still, she gave him a subtle nod, so he accepted the invitation for them both and agreed on a time to meet. He thanked them both and showed them out.

They stayed there in the silent apartment for a while. Ben hung back while she wandered around, looking pitiful and lost. Rey had a hard time letting go of things. He knew this. She tended to cling. He couldn't blame her, not after what she'd been through, so he let her grieve this change with the space she needed. Watching her drift like a ghost through the remains of her life gave him a flicker of guilt, though. He was the one who had overturned her comfortable world. He was the one stealing her away from her safe, secure domaine.

Eventually she finished and made her way back to him, brushing tears away.

"Are you alright?" he asked her gently.

"Just emotional. It's so annoying that I cry over everything." She sniffed, smiled. Leaning up, she kissed him briefly. "Let's go home."

"You sure you're ready?"

She nodded. "I'm sure."

* * *

They took the truck back to his parents' house. Ben expected to just drop it off, switch back to his car, and then head home, but apparently fate had other plans. As he pulled up, his mother's car glided in next to him. He looked over and she was grinning at him through her window.

Rey laughed. "That's amazing timing."

"Amazing," Ben sighed and got out of the truck, going over to open Rey's door for her. He took her hand as they went to greet his mother. She already knew. That day, after the ultrasound, when Ben called to tell her about the baby, he'd told her too that he and Rey had decided to be in a relationship. She was _delighted_ to learn she had a granddaughter on the way, and as for the other piece of news, well, she said she wasn't surprised and she whole-heartedly approved.

Now she greeted Ben with a quick hug, and then turned her attention to Rey, giving her a much tighter embrace. They'd hung out a few times. Rey had gone to sit in on a couple of Leia's lectures. Leia had taken her out to get her hair done and for some "much needed pampering," according to his mother. Ben liked that they were becoming close.

"I'm glad I ran into you both!" she said happily. "Did you get everything moved?"

"We did," Rey told her warmly.

"This dress looks so good on you," Leia sighed. "You're like sunshine. Don't you think so, Ben?"

He snorted. "Yes, she is. But I already told her I liked it, Mom, you don't have to trick me into it."

Rey grinned, her cheeks pinking in that lovely way he always admired. "He did."

"Good." Leia patted his chest. "We raised you to be a gentleman. Sometimes I wasn't sure it was working. You were so sour there for a while. But looks like you turned out okay."

"Mom," he complained.

Rey laughed. "You all talk about him like he was a terror before."

"He was," his mother said, eyes widening. "I'm grateful you didn't know him then."

Ben sighed. Rey squeezed his hand and gave him a shy smile. "I bet we still would have been friends."

Would they have been? There weren't many kids around him growing up from low socio-economic backgrounds. He'd never known any foster kids. But Ben was busy trying to shrug off his cushy upbringing back then, so if he had known someone like Rey, he probably would have tried to be associated with her somehow, to prove to himself and the world that he was more than just the son of influential parents. And he suspected Rey would have had the same magnetic pull over him, all fire and sun and resilience. He would definitely have wanted to be her friend. She might not have liked him, though. He wasn't the easiest person to like back then. But he wasn't when they met either, and she still made a friend of him anyway. So maybe.

"So does all your stuff fit in Ben's condo?" His mother was asking Rey when Ben surfaced from this speculation.

She shook her head. "No, some of it went to storage."

"To storage?" Leia sounded intrigued. "Until when?"

Rey shrugged. "Until we need it, I guess."

She thought he'd been joking about finding them a bigger place. He wasn't. He had a few options he liked a lot. He just needed to tell Rey about them and get her opinions before he scheduled something. But Ben dithered, because it felt backwards. It felt like he was skipping a step. Probably it was his grandmother's ring burning a hole through his dresser. He knew they didn't need it to buy a house together. They didn't need some arbitrary traditional arrangement to be a family. He just needed to get over that little hangup, because everything else was perfect. Better than perfect.

"Well, do you two want to stay for dinner?" Leia asked, smiling a little too knowingly at him. "Artu was going to make sushi."

"No sushi," Ben said, frowning. "You should know that."

"Oh, I forgot you came out with mercury poisoning," she retorted dryly.

Rey rolled her eyes at him, laughing a light, exasperated thing. "Actually, Leia, we're meeting up with some friends for dinner. But thank you for the offer anyway."

"But tomorrow, though," she encouraged. "Tomorrow is Sunday."

Ben hadn't been able to get out of these weekend dinners since telling them about the baby. His mother was more adamant than ever, and Rey always wanted to go. He couldn't really say no to her. Especially not now, when he was so much closer to making her part of his family than ever before.

"We'll be there," he told his mother.

She nodded in satisfaction. "And if you're willing to share them, I'd love to hear your name ideas. I can't wait to know what I get to call my little daisy girl."

Rey glanced at Ben. He shrugged. "We don't really have anything to share or hide on that front."

"You can't decide or you haven't talked about it?"

"We haven't talked about it," Rey said with a sheepish smile. "Right now it feels like we have forever, so we keep putting it off. It's…a lot of pressure."

"No, no, no pressure! It's supposed to be _fun_!" Leia shook her head. "Each of you get on one of those baby name websites and make a list of ones you love. Then you come together and talk about it. It's thrilling!"

"Did you do that?" Ben asked. "Before you settled on mine?"

"Well, we didn't have websites. We had books. And no. I already knew what I wanted. Your father didn't have particularly strong opinions about it, so it was an easy discussion. If not very exciting."

Rey cocked her head in consideration. "It could be interesting to try. I've never looked at lists of names before. I have no idea what I'd like."

Ben's phone buzzed in his pocket. He fished it out and glanced at the screen while his mother threw out a few ideas (" _Rachel? After Rey? Maybe Padme? After Ben's grandmother? Or any flower names! Flower names are always sweet. Posie, Lily, Violet—_ ") It was Poe, informing him that everyone had confirmed, so they couldn't flake, and to be there at seven. He checked the time and then nudged Rey.

"Hey, we should go so I can shower before dinner."

"Okay," she said with a little smile.

Ben's mother gave them each a brisk hug of parting. "Alright, then. I'll see you tomorrow. In the meantime, think about it! Get ideas! I don't want you two to still be floundering and my granddaughter to be nameless for the first few days off her life. You think you have time but you'll see! I've had friends whose babies did really go days, even weeks without names."

"We'll talk about it, Mom," Ben assured her.

They exchanged final goodbyes, he gave her the keys to the truck, and then they were off again, in Ben's own car this time. Rey wore this lingering little grin, like her own thoughts were highly amusing. Ben held the steering wheel under one paw, taking Rey's hand in his other. Her fingers laced into his.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I have decided what I will do with the name. Muaha. You'll just have to wait to find out.
> 
> Next chapter will be up on Saturday!


	13. Sometime After Midnight

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A Reveal Dinner, a shower, a teddy bear. POV Ben

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Guys, THIS CHAPTER. It had a mind of its own. This is a continuation of the last chapter. It was supposed to be one scene, tacked on to the end of the last one, but then Ben had a bit of a reaction I didn't see coming, and it blew up, so I decided to separate the chapters. And it's a dang good thing too, because this skewed in a whole different way than I thought. These characters like to route my outlines for them.
> 
> ETA: "Arms" by The Paper Kites is a very excellent song for a particular scene in this chapter, if you're looking for something to listen to.

**CHAPTER THIRTEEN**

**Sometime After Midnight**

* * *

TWENTY-TWO WEEKS: BELL PEPPER (Cont.)

That night, they met everyone at Takodana Bar and Grill. The owner, Maz, was an old friend of Ben and Poe's parents both, and over the years she'd come to know a little something about _everyone_ in the group, so it was about as comfortable a place as any. Some people thought the establishment was a bit of a dive. The dated decor and ecclectic patrons did lend it an air of...escape. Like this is where people went to get away from things. But warmth and welcome pervaded and everyone who worked for Maz exuded the energy of people who were grateful and happy to be at work.

Ben liked it here.

But then, they all did. That's why they came here.

If Maz didn't have any reservations booked for the evening, she'd sometimes let them eat in the private event room. Sometimes. If there was a decent reason. Apparently Poe had worked out a decent reason, because Ben and Rey found everyone gathered there, standing around the long table. Poe and Finn, Jessika, Tallie, Jannah, Gwen and Zorri, Rose and Hux, Paige and Finch. Everyone was there.

The general energy seemed light and effervescent, as it usually was with this crowd. It didn't seem to matter what stress or concerns others had going on in their lives, when they all got together, all of it got pushed to the background. Like the group was a small version of Maz's place. Wherever they were, it felt like a break from reality. Everyone came for each other. Sure, they might have been initially drawn by Poe's endless idea of activities, his dogged enthusiasm and charisma, but they stayed for each other, for the ease with which they all got along. Sometimes they argued, like any group as close as siblings would, but those passed as easily as summer squalls.

Ben appreciated this about them, even if he did sometimes tire of the group. The drama, however gossipy, was minimal and usually over quickly. Like Rey and Rose, he decided, watching them now. As soon as they'd walked in, Rose snatched Rey away and dragged her off to talk to Jess, Finn, and Tallie. They were all laughing like they were comfortable together. Like all the awkwardness that existed between Rey and Rose the last few weeks had faded.

Gwen pulled Ben in to talk to her and Armitage. They were a calmer sort, and Ben liked discussing things with them. Tonight they pondered on some recent political upheaval and speculated about what it might mean for the future.

Eventually Poe persuaded everyone to sit and order. Rey drifted back to Ben, sitting beside him with an eager smile. While everyone else ordered their various drinks, Ben ordered from the non-alcoholic menu. He did it in solidarity, mostly, because it didn't seem right to him that he should drink when Rey couldn't. And she seemed to appreciate not being the only dry glass at the table.

Conversation flowed around as everyone ate, like colors swirling and pushing and refracting through a kaleidoscope. Some people wanted to know what Poe's summer adventure was this year, since he always seemed to come up with his most outrageous schemes during the summer. He said he didn't know yet. Some of them teased Gwen and Zorri, wondering if they were keeping things casual or deciding to get serious now, after dating for a couple months. Zorri coolly announced that they were happily serious. It made Gwen blush, which was one of the strangest things Ben had ever seen.

They planned movie premiers, talked about the latest outrageous documentary series, and generally glided over every topic under the sun.

Eventually, when most people had empty plates, Poe stood up and clinked his glass to get everyone's attention, his face flushed and eyes bright with excitement. "I'm happy we could all get together tonight on such short notice, because I have learned _three_ things today that I think everyone would be very excited to know. It's big, guys. Brace yourselves. And remember that we really don't want to disturb Maz's other customers this time, so if you could try to rein in your screams, that'd be great."

Laughter rippled through them, a few smiles of anticipation blooming in the wake of his words.

He motoned with a dramatic flourish. "So! With that _ominous_ introduction, I'm gonna kick it over to my man Ben Solo, or Rey, whichever of them wants to talk."

"It's all you," Rey whispered frantically.

Ben grimaced. She flashed him an apologetic grin.

All eyes turned to them, eyebrows lifting, a few intrigued glances shared. He sighed and gave Poe a begrudging look. This kind of melodrama was not Ben's style. That is to say, he could be _plenty_ dramatic — the grandson of Padme and Anakin, and the son of Han and Leia could definitely work a _mood_ better than just about anyone. He'd had some pretty public tantrums over his lifetime. Especially at work. But this high-pressure stage announcement business was...unpleasant.

He didn't stand. He just sort of angled his body and lifted his head a little so it looked like he was addressing everyone. He cleared his throat.

"Okay, well I guess Poe wants us to tell you the three things he learned today. One, it's a girl. Two, Rey is moving in with me. And three, we're together now."

There. That should do it. Might as well just drop the whole payload at once and get back to his mostly-finished dinner. Audible gasps burst from each impact, the fallout spreading over them for a stunned, silent moment before they all started to speak at once and no discernible phrase or question leapt out of the mayhem.

Rey laughed. "So much finesse in that delivery, Shakespeare."

He grinned, because he knew exactly what he'd done. "Efficiency seemed the best course here."

"Efficiency?" She cocked her head and smirked. "Or mischief?"

"Hmm, both."

"You're _together_ together?" Rose cried, finally getting her voice out above the others. She leaned over the table to catch Rey's hand. At Rey's nod, her jaw fell all the way open, and a mix of triumph, joy, and slight betrayal skittered over her face.

Meanwhile on his other side, Poe gave Ben an exasperated look. "Spoil sport. You could have drawn that out. Given them time to react to each thing."

Ben shrugged. "Hey, I wasn't given instructions here."

"And to think, we could have gone with my original idea," Poe sighed.

Gwen regarding Ben with curiosity and intrigue from her place beside Zorri. She didn't seem as shocked as some of the others.

"What changed?" demanded Tallie. "When did the dam finally break?"

Rey chewed her lip, as if debating how honest to be. "At the ultrasound. It's been happening for a while, I guess. But all this—" she motioned to her belly, hidden under the table "—just kind of opened up some feelings."

"God, I'm so _relieved_ ," Jess laughed. "Now we can stop that stupid thing where you two try to bring other people around to fit in with our group and we all had to pretend to be supportive."

"Solo," Hux cut in loudly, sparing Rey from having to make a reply to that. Ben glanced at him. "This moving in together thing — does that mean you guys are boyfriend and girlfriend? How do we refer to you?"

Ben frowned when an answer did not immediately suggest itself. He grasped uselessly for what to say, because although he had daydreamed of being able to call Rey is girlfriend for a few years now, it didn't feel right anymore. Like it was too casual a term.

"Wait, he said you guys are having a _girl_?" Jannah broke in, glancing around at everyone else. "Are we skipping past that part?"

"Have you guys thought of names? And which last name will the baby have?" Paige asked. "Solo or Johnson?"

"Solo," Rey said immediately and without hesitation, drawing a glance from Ben.

They hadn't talked about that either. So many things yet to figure out. The questions were flying faster than they could answer, and it had to be this one that she chose to respond to, granting Ben with information he felt like he should have known before. But then, it wasn't like the answer was all that surprising. He could have guessed. Rey had been very candid with him over the years about how her name meant nothing to her. It tied her to no clan or kin, no people. It was just a thing placed on her as a foundling to identify her from other foundlings and foster kids.

The questions kept coming, but it was hard to keep up, and soon they abandoned attempts to answer any of them.

Sometime into this bedlam, Hux's face lit up, and he pointed at Poe. "Night cap at your place?"

"No need," Poe said with a fiendish grin, and from under the table he produced a bottle of wine. "So glad you remembered, Armie-man. And hey, nobody grouse at me about bringing my own alcohol in. Maz already knows about it."

A happy sound through the group. Ben didn't know the significance of this bottle. He watched as Poe handed it over to Jess. "Do you want to do the honors?"

Jess laughed, smiled, and stood. She held up the bottle auspiciously, like it was an Oscar, and she the actress giving her acceptance speech. "Friends, we have arrived. It's finally happened. We've all been waiting for this moment a long time, haven't we? Once upon a time, I decided that my charismatic boyfriend Poe and his friend Ben should meet my friends, so I invited them to dinner one night. Back then it was just me, Rey, Finn, and Rose hanging out together — remember that? Our group has grown so much since then. And you know? At first, I thought maybe it was a mistake, bringing Poe's tall, quiet, moody friend into our dynamic. But then I saw how my girl Rey lit up when he was around, and how broody Ben wasn't so broody with Rey nearby. And my friends, that was the inception of this celebration, right here. Poe and I agreed that someday, they would fall hopelessly in love, and when it happened, we'd share a celebratory toast. He set aside a bottle from that year. This bottle."

She held it up again.

Rey was gaping at her, cheeks flushed bright.

Jess grinned. "Over the years several of you have gotten in on our pact. Armitage and Gwen, Tallie, Finn, Rose and Paige. Jannah, Finch, and Zorri only recently, since we learned about Rey's pregnancy. So this toast is for all of us. For patiently abiding these two and all their nonsense for all these years. We survived the great slow-burn of our generation."

Everyone cheered again and passed their glasses down as Jess opened the bottle. She filled each one, beaming with delight.

Ben rolled his eyes as Poe pounded him on the back.

"Great speech, Jess!" His friend cried, lifting his glass when it got back to him. "Perfection!"

She beamed. Finn laughed and raised his cup, along with most of the others.

Ben glanced over at Gwen. "You too?"

She shrugged, smiled, and lifted her own glass as well. "I mean, it was really obvious. You expected me to miss out on the big payoff drink because of scruples?"

"Traitor," he accused, though there was no real heat in it.

Ben turned again to assess Rey's reaction to all this. For his own part, he took it in stride. More nonsense from their loveably over-involved friends. It wasn't like he hadn't been pussyfooting around the same thing all these years. Rey laughed a little, but her cheeks were furiously red too, and she looked like she wanted to crawl under the table.

He shifted, bumping his knees into hers, nudging her gently to draw her attention. When she looked up at him, he leaned over to whisper privately to her, "They can tease and toast all they want. I wouldn't change a minute of these last five years."

She buried her forehead into his shoulder.

"To the happy couple!" Poe cried. Everyone toasted and drank. And then Poe was on his feet, pulling yet more out from under the table. It was a small gift bag with white and gold tissue paper poking out of the top. He reached across Ben to hand it to Rey, who came out of hiding in time to see it.

"This," he said happily, "is for the newest member of our group, when she arrives."

Ben _hated_ gifts. Or rather, he hated the ordeal of receiving a gift in front of the giver. The pressure to react a certain way, the spectacle of it all, he hated it. He was glad Poe hadn't handed that thing to him, but still, he experienced a curl of vicarious dread in his stomach anyway. With so many eyes on her, Rey's reaction had to be genuinely grateful. Anything less would be awkward. And with Poe, who knew what could come out of that bag. It could be sweet, it could be embarrassing. Like the one year he gave a horny cookbook to Rose not too long after she'd started dating Hux. Or the year he gave a pair of boxer-briefs to Finch, colored to look like the flag of Italy, with the genitalia of the Statue of David depicted on the front.

So Ben braced for something cringey like that.

Rey pulled out a tiny little white dress with yellow sunflowers patterned over it, a soft yellow headband with a big bow, tiny white socks, and a stretchy yellow blanket of some sort. An admiring coo ran through the group.

Rey smiled and glanced at Poe with a glint of knowing in her eye. "Is this your version of a reveal?"

He laughed. "It might have been, if Ben hadn't just so casually spilled the beans. A backup plan, in case you wanted to be _fun_."

"Well, thank you," she said, her grin growing. "It's adorable. And sunflowers are my favorite."

"I know," he said proudly. His glance darted to Ben, because it was Ben who had told him that once, he couldn't remember when, exactly.

Ben huffed a soft sound. "That is better than what I was expecting..."

"Come on," Poe said, elbowing him. "Look at it. Doesn't that look like something the kid of Rey would totally wear? Finn pointed it out and we had to get it. It's from both of us."

"When did you get it? You just learned she's a girl today."

Finn leaned over from Poe's other side. "After we left Rey's apartment."

"You went _specifically_ to find a gift?" Ben lifted a brow skeptically.

Finn shrugged.

Poe grinned. "You sound surprised."

With a snort, Ben turned away from him, back to Rey who had nudged him. She had put the other things back, but handed him the dress.

"It's cute, isn't it?" she asked lightly, her earlier amused smile still lingering.

Before Ben could answer, Rose asked something, drawing Rey's attention away again, leaving him to hold this little scrap of cloth uncertainly. Everyone seemed distracted, so he swallowed and dropped his attention to it. He draped it out over one palm to really give it a proper look —and his heart stuttered to a stall inside him.

It was _tiny_.

There had to be some mistake. This had to be for a doll, not a human. He checked the tag. _Newborn_ it said. A funny feeling twisted in his stomach. It felt like his heart had restarted, but now it was beating way too fast. Out of control.

Poe said something to him. He didn't hear it. His gaze frantically flicked from those tiny arm holes to that itty bitty torso space to those miniature snap buttons meant to close over a diaper. Sunflowers dotted his vision, imprinting into his mind. Soft cloth over his fingertips, a little flowy skirt. Teeth grinding together. His brain felt stuck. _So small_ , it repeated, like a record skipping backwards over a scratch, again and again.

Ben knew she'd be small. He'd read it. He'd looked ahead in the app. He'd seen pictures of infants. Obviously, she was going to be small. That was exactly the nature of babies. Small enough to hold in one arm

But holding this tiny article of clothing made it suddenly shift into perspective for him. _Little_. _Vulnerable_. _B_ _reakable_. He tried to suck air, but his lungs felt compressed.

A real, micro-sized human was going to wear that dress. A miniature thing, exactly this small in his giant hands. Fragile and new and _small_.

"You okay, Solo?" Gwen asked, eyeing him from across the table. "You're always a pale chap, but now you look like death warmed over."

Ben's gaze snapped up to her, and then to Rey, who was still talking animatedly to Rose. He took the bag from her and shoved the dress inside, catching a brief glimpse of those socks which were even tinier and which made his stomach lurch all over again.

"I'm fine," he told Gwen brusquely.

A lie. He was not fine.

He was definitely _not fine_.

Ben couldn't really say what happened the rest of the evening. People talked. He responded, some automatic part of his brain supplying him appropriate answers, but in the meantime he felt the world tipping, tipping, tipping, and he could barely cling on by his fingernails.

When they left, Rey was in a good mood. She'd had fun. After the initial surprise, everyone got the teasing out of their system and afterwards it settled into a normal, hyper hangout. She ended up laughing about something Ben didn't pay attention to with Finn and Rose so hard they'd all three been in tears. It was good to see her let loose like that. Normally these bubbly moods of hers after a night of friends amused him. But tonight, he couldn't really _feel_ anything.

Only a vague, creeping sense of panic.

But he didn't dare let Rey see. Because she had her own moments of alarm, and it was his job to remain implacably steady, to hold her up when she couldn't do it herself. So he said nothing. He smiled and listened to her happily discuss some interesting observations of the evening, meanwhile dying a slow death inside. Because there was a girl on the way who could fit in his hands and who would need him in ways he didn't know how to be needed.

They got back to his condo — _their_ condo now — and Rey went to draw herself a bath. Ben changed in loose pajamas pants that just clung to his hips and a soft black cotton shirt. He needed to be comfortable. His clothes felt like they were strangling him. And then to distract himself from his inexplicably jumbled thoughts, he went to retrieve the laundry he'd set to dry while they were gone.

Ben's condo had two bedrooms and two bathrooms. He'd turned the second bedroom into a home office, of sorts, with a weight bench in there too. He didn't really work from home, so the office didn't see much use. The weight bench did, though. Since he was a teen, he'd work himself into exhaustion whenever his feelings got to be too much to control. He should probably visit the weights now. Should probably burn off so much energy that he didn't have time to freak the fuck out about a teeny tiny dress like some kind of lunatic.

But he didn't work out. Instead he stared into the weird second bedroom and hated everything in it.

It all needed to go.

Or else he needed to get moving on this house idea. Because Rey was working on a person who would definitely need her own space. A space she could claim for her refuge. Where she was allowed to just _be_ , because nobody would know her better than she knew herself. Not Rey, and certainly not Ben.

They needed a crib.

Or a bassinet?

A place to lay down her tiny head at night. Where she could feel safe and secure and loved. Should she have her own room at first? Or should she stay by them until she got a little older? What else did they need to be ready for her? What kind of gear did babies require?

Fear drove him away from the room. He grabbed the laundry hamper and used the soothing rhythm of folding clothes to ease the tension coiling in his body. He loved laundry. It baffled him how Rey could think it was so odious, because for him, there was pleasing simplicity in the mechanical motions of matching, sorting, and folding. By the time he carried the neat bundles to their respective drawers or hangers, he felt a _little_ better.

Rey came out of the bathroom looking relaxed and happy. When they climbed into bed, she snuggled right into him. He held her and stared up at the ceiling.

"It's kind of weird," she confessed after a minute. "Knowing that there's nowhere else for me to go now. That I'm not just sleeping over."

He blinked, pulled back down by that realization. She tangled her legs into his, and he buried his nose in her hair. "You don't need anywhere else to go," he assured her softly. "This is where you belong."

She smiled, tipped her head up, kissed him. A wave of calm crashed through him, temporarily easing some of his stunned terror. He could set aside the fears of impending fatherhood for a second, remembering what they had done earlier in the day. Moving her out of her place. Taking the next step.

"I love you, Ben," she whispered softly, her finger tracing some imaginary line down the side of his face.

He took that hand, pressing his lips against each finger in turn. "I'm really happy you're here. Permanently. But there's something I need to tell you about."

Her lashes fluttered as her eyes blinked wide. "What?"

"I don't want us to stay here."

A surprised sort of laugh bubbled up out of her. "What? Why not?"

"There aren't kids in this neighborhood. It's not that kind of place. And…it's small. No yard. I want her to grow up somewhere nicer than this."

Her nose wrinkled. "Like one of those monstrous estate palaces you grew up in?"

"No!" He rushed to tamp down that assumption as quickly as he could. "No, no, not like that. Just a decent house with a decent yard. Big enough for a dog. Big enough to build your hydroponic garden, if you want."

"Mm, I like the sound of that."

"You do? You don't feel like it's…rushing things? To talk about getting a house?"

She tapped a finger against his stubbled chin, her eyes wandering up to the ceiling in thought. "I guess it is. But she'll be here in—"

"Eighteen weeks," he said. "Give or take."

She smiled. "Yeah. About eighteen weeks. And you heard what Poe said earlier today. We move like glaciers. So maybe it wouldn't hurt to…rush…just a little."

He exhaled, arm around her tightening at the resurgent flash of unease. "Okay."

She hesitated. "Um…awkward to bring up, maybe, but I don't exactly know how we're supposed to buy a house. I definitely can't afford one."

"Don't worry about that," he said softly. "I told you, I have savings."

Her eyes narrowed and she stared at him for a second, her mouth pressed thin. He half-expected her to start arguing about being able to contribute, but she didn't. Finally she said, "You know, this is all getting kind pf permanent."

"I'm not planning on going anywhere. Are you?"

"No." The corner of her mouth twitched into a grin.

Even though it made his heart race again to do it, he put his other hand over her stomach. "Besides, I'm pretty sure it got permanent the moment we decided to keep her."

There was movement there. A push. Something skating across the inside of Rey, skimming under his touch. He jerked his hand back with a nervous little breath.

She laughed. "You always act like she just bit you when that happens."

"It's just so weird when I'm not expecting it," he admitted, a little sheepishly. "Bodies aren't supposed to…do that. Feels like there's something living inside you. Like an alien."

"Alien might not be too far off," she chuckled. Then she gently pushed him away, grabbed her giant octopus pregnancy pillow thing, and arranged a comfortable nest for her aching body.

Ben really did love it when he felt the baby move. He did. When he was braced for it. When he knew it would happen. It thrilled him, filled him with a sense of wonder. But when an idle touch provoked movement he didn't know to anticipate, it gave him the fucking creeps. He couldn't imagine how she didn't want to claw out of her own skin, feeling something _move inside her._

They fell quiet after that, and soon he could hear her soft snores. She didn't used to snore. That was definitely a recent development.

Ben tried to follow her to sleep, but it evaded him. His mind kept tumbling, churning like a restless sea. _You're not ready_ , a voice inside him fretted. _She's coming, and you're not ready._

Eighteen weeks was a long time. They had a while to get ready. It was barely June. Plenty of time to figure out what babies need and buy it. Plenty of time to look at a house and choose something right for them. Plenty of time to figure out what the hell he was supposed to do, how he was going to be everything this _tiny_ girl needed him to be — right?

What would she be like? What kind of personality would she develop as she got older? Would she be wild and restless and independent like her mother? Would she be solemn and introverted and wilfull like him? Or would she have her own, unique personality, unrelated to either of them? And just as importantly, would she resent him as much as he had resented his parents?

Ben eventually got up. It did no good tossing and turning like this. He went to the window and stared out at an empty, moonlit world. This anxiety clinging to him now, it needed to _go_. These temporary abatements, Rey's kiss, the laundry, they eased him for only a moment. He needed a more permanent treatment. So with sudden resolve, he did go to his weights this time. He stripped his shirt off, loaded up the barbell, and pressed every nervous, unwelcome thought out of his head with every drop of sweat he spilled in the middle of the night.

His fear didn't mean he wasn't still excited. It didn't mean he didn't want this little girl with every beat of his panicked, woefully inadequate heart. It didn't mean he still didn't _love_ that he and Rey had accidentally gotten themselves into this mess.

But loving and wanting didn't take the fear away either. It remained. Awakened by that infernal miniature dress. It nestled right up against his happiness and reminded him that he was way out of his depth. He didn't know the first thing about being a father. His relationship with his own father was tumultuous. He didn't know the right way to discipline, the right way to guide, the right way to nurture. What was considered spoiling, what was considered withholding? He didn't know how to do any of it.

But the more his muscles burned and ached under his brutal punishment, the less power these thoughts had over him. They quieted to a whisper instead of a scream.

 _I have time_ , he told himself with each push. _I will be ready._

Finally, when his head was clear and he felt utterly spent, he racked the bar above him again and stared up at the ceiling, stained gray-white by the bright, full moon streaming through the window.

Tomorrow, he would go talk to his dad.

"Ben?"

He lifted his head. Rey was staring at him from the doorway, eyes bleary with sleep, but confusion written across her brow. The soft, silky maternity nightgown she wore shimmered like liquid silver in the moonlight.

"Did I wake you?" he asked, sitting up, drawing deep, steadying breaths after his body buzzed down from its intense ordeal. "I'm sorry."

She came over to him, one hand finding his bare shoulder. Her touch was cool against his burning skin. With her other she held his chin and tilted his head up to her. "What's wrong?"

Her hazel eyes looked gray in the dark, and as metallic as her nightgown. But they were rounded in bewilderment and soft with concern. Her hair hung loose to her shoulders in lazy, non-committal waves.

He dipped to press a kiss into her palm. "I'm alright, I promise. I just…had a lot on my mind."

Rey sank down onto the bench next to him, the hand on his shoulder sliding down his sticky-sweaty back. "Do you want to talk about it?"

"I think I worked it out of my system," he reassured her. His gaze dropped the gentle roundness of her middle. To that spot where all his fears lay buried with one new heartbeat. Small though she'd be, she was smaller still right now. A pepper. But right now she was safe, nestled where no one could hurt her, where only her mother guarded, sustained, and nurtured her. Where Ben couldn't screw it up. He tentatively rested a hand there. It didn't make his heart burst into a frenzied gallop this time.

He sighed in relief. "Everything's fine right now."

Her hand moved over his, holding him against her, her fingers brushing lightly against his skin. "Right now?"

"I just want to make sure we're — _I'm_ ready," he said, correcting himself. "That I know what the hell I'm doing, so I can be enough for her.

"You will be," she said, pressing a kiss into his cheek. "Just as you are now, you're enough. She's unbelievably lucky to have you. Don't worry, Ben. We've got this. We will figure it out."

She was echoing his own words back to him. The same he always gave her when she was panicking about things to come. They did bring him comfort, hearing her say them. Maybe they could be strong for each other. Maybe they could stagger these episodes of fear so that there'd always be someone to say those words out loud. His touch left her belly, coming up instead to graze her cheek, cup the side of her face, drawing her in soft a slow, sweet kiss. His lips held hers, not trying to invade or conquer, just lingering in the safety of her.

"Yeah," he said quietly. "We will."

"Come back to bed," she urged. "Sleep makes everything better."

"I'm sweaty," he objected.

Her fingers unstuck themselves from the drying salt on his back. A smile pricked the corners of her lips. "Alright. Then let me help you get clean."

Ben didn't really know what that meant, but he was intrigued, so when she got to her feet and grabbed his hands, throwing her weight backwards to pull up him, he rose and followed her to the bathroom. She turned on the shower, letting it heat up while she piled her hair high on her head in a bun. Then she peeled off her nightgown, letting it drop to the floor. Ben followed the starry fabric with a slight frown. But he couldn't concentrate on it for long because her fingers were at his waist, pulling on the elastic of his pants, sliding them down his body. When they puddled on the floor, he stepped out. Her underwear and his followed next.

She hugged him, wrapping her arms tight around his chest, nuzzling her face into the hollow of his neck where his sweat had cooled.

This was…new. And very, very nice. Ben's cock roused in interest, in a trained response to being this naked with _her_ , but he didn't let his mind drift there. Because this didn't feel sexual. The way her whole body, all her skin, squeezed tight to his — this was something else.

She leaned up to kiss the underside of his jaw. "You always do an incredible job of making me feel loved. Let me do that for you."

With that, she pulled away to test the heat of the water. With one quick adjustment, she seemed satisfied and tugged Ben's hand and they stepped into the shower together. She pushed him into the stream, a hot cascade raining down onto his scalp, rivulets running over his shoulders, right on the edge of too hot. Perfect, actually. His body began to relax immediately.

Ben realized he was taking most of the water. His body blocked all but a fine spray now collecting on her warm olive skin. She didn't seem to mind, though, and when he tried to maneuver her into the stream, she shook her head.

"I'm clean. This is about you."

So he said nothing and just let her conduct this impromptu middle-of-the-night shower.

"Hmm," she said thoughtfully, squinting up at him through the steam. "Didn't think about your height. Better sit down."

"Sit?" his mouth quirked in amusement.

She nodded, grabbing for his shampoo and conditioner. Still intrigued, he did, folding his body onto the floor of his shower, letting the water batter his twitchy, exhausted muscles. She knelt behind him, spreading her knees to fit as much around his hips as her stomach would allow.

With his back to her, she worked the shampoo into suds on her hands and then dug into his sopping hair, combing it through. She managed a rich lather, raking it gently against his scalp, pulling it firmly through the tracks her fingers left in his curls. Ben's head lolled back, eyes drifting shut against her tugs, overwhelmed with how _good_ it felt. Each pass of her hands sent waves of pleasure and relaxation through him, loosening all his limbs, drawing the tension out of his muscles, the knots out of his heart.

She didn't speak. He couldn't have, even if he wanted to. His power for speech melted right out of him, along with every other thought. The steam billowed around them, the water massaged him, and Rey's hands coaxed him into a deeper mellow than he ever could have imagined. When she was finished, she made him turn around and rinse the shampoo out, and then she repeated the process with his conditioner.

"You use the most basic product," she said very softly, laughter hidden in her voice, "but your hair takes it like its the most expensive, all-natural stuff money can buy. Why is guy hair so easy to please?"

He hummed a wordless reply, incapable of anything else, utterly lost to the work of her hands in his hair.

"Don't wash that out yet," she instructed when she'd finished, and Ben mourned because he knew that was the end. "Stand up."

He did, careful to keep his head out of the stream, letting it patter against his back as he turned to face her again. "What now?"

Her baby hairs were soaked, clinging to her scalp and neck. Her lithe, burdened shape gleamed in the glossy wet, and Ben once again felt the temptation to turn this into something sexual. It would be so easy. He was halfway there, really. But again, the look in her eye told him that wasn't what this was about. So he watched her lather up a loofa instead, meeting her gaze when she lifted her eyes to look at him. There was so much unguarded fondness in her face that his breath caught, and only started again when she ran the coarse, soapy loofa over his chest.

For the next several minutes she washed him, her movements gentle and thorough. Her other hand trailed over places the loofa had already been, soothing his skin, skating through the water. When she did his back, she wrapped herself around him, pressing her body up against his, resting her head against his shoulder. He could feel her heartbeat against his own rib cage, as if it were inside him too. His arms entwined, trapping her against him, and he pressed his cheek to her damp hair. They stood there like that while she ran the loofa up and down his back, the scent of soap clinging to the heavy, hot air. When she pulled back to spread her soapy hand over his neck, their eyes met again. Emotion climbed into Ben's throat and he had to look away from her, because suddenly he was trembling, and suddenly he didn't know if he could keep it together.

This was the most intimate moment they'd ever had in their long acquaintance. It felt visceral and profound and incredibly private. Sacred, even. No release had ever felt more powerful than right now. And Ben couldn't find a single word for what emotion choked him now, because all of them were inadequate. Even love didn't cover it.

When she'd finished soaping him up, she unhooked the hose attachment and directed the soft spray over every inch of him, washing it all away. She moved behind him and reached up to tilt his head back, washing out some of the conditioner with quick swipes of the hose and her fingers moving through his hair once more.

She wrapped around him from behind and pressed a kiss into his back, holding the hose down so it rained against their legs.

"Think you can sleep now?" she asked softly.

He turned around, her arms slipping easily against his torso so that she didn't even have to break the hug. He reached over her and shut the water off.

"Yes," he whispered.

She glanced down between them. "Even though this guy has other ideas?"

Yeah, Ben's cock didn't exactly read the room right, going somewhere opposite the direction his heart went, but he wasn't a teenager. He knew he didn't need to do anything about it.

"We did that today already," he said, pulling a fluffy towel off the rack and wrapping her in it. "Or I guess yesterday. It doesn't matter. He's had his fun. He can chill. I want to — remember this for what it was. On its own merits."

It was still kind of hard to speak. The peace radiating through him was too thick. It felt like a comfortable, weighted blanket. And the ardent, encompassing emotion remained there like a sharp pain in his throat. He wrapped a towel around his own waist, then stepped out onto the rug, pulling her along with him. When he was certain his feet were dry and he wouldn't slip, he lifted her, bundled and snug, and carried her back to the bedroom.

* * *

They both slept late into the morning.

Ben couldn't remember a time when he'd slept more peacefully. No unsettled thoughts disturbed him. No panicked dreams. Nothing but oblivion until he woke later than he'd ever allowed himself to sleep, completely rested, a little sore, and mostly at ease. No, _definitely_ at ease, because Rey was naked in bed next to him, and when she woke it was to immediately throw aside her giant pillow and cuddle in next to him. Then they did indulge the passions they circumvented in the night, not even bothering to get out of bed until a full hour later.

"Rey," he said softly when they lay there, cooling from their fires. "Last night was..."

The most loved he'd ever felt in his life. The best thing he'd ever experienced. All the superlatives still felt inadequate.

She kissed him. "I will do that for you whenever you need. I loved it too."

When they finally dragged themselves apart and got ready for the day, they decided to go to brunch. The whole time Rey kept throwing him these glances and Ben would blush like a schoolboy, a fluttering drop in his stomach. He kept smiling down at his food. Afterwards they walked around the little shops near the diner where they'd eaten, hand in hand, as strangely aflutter as if they'd just slept together for the first time. Ben kept stopping to kiss her, sometimes caging her in against secluded alley walls to do it, hungry to maintain the feeling humming between them.

But it couldn't last. Rey got a text, inviting her to go with Finn, Rose, and Hux to a flea market. She wanted to go, Ben didn't. But he encouraged her to go anyway, and dropped her off with the promise to be back in a couple hours. Then he went straightaway to his parent's house.

Because even though he felt infinitely better about everything this morning, his determination from last night lingered in him. He would learn what he could before the tidal wave hit.

"Ben," his father said with some surprise when Ben found him in his tinkering garage. He usually had some restoration project going or another. In addition to anthropology, he was a whiz with antique cars. "Aren't we going to see you later at dinner?"

"You will," he said, eyeing the MP his father had half-covered with a dust blanket. "But I needed to talk to you first."

"What, you got another bombshell to drop on us?"

Ben huffed. "No, it's not about that."

"Well, your mother isn't here..."

"I know." Ben knew his mom spent Sunday's catching up with old friends. "I came to talk to you."

"To me?" At that, his father looked a little startled. His dark green eyes, set beneath two bushy white brows, darted around the garage as if looking for the answer to a most mysterious question. "Is it a full moon or something? Are you sure I'm the one you want?"

"I'm sure."

His father harrumphed in surprise. "Well that's different. Come on inside, then."

Ben followed him. "Poe gave us a gift for the baby yesterday," he started to explain. "It's like this little dress outfit thing."

"That's nice," his father said awkwardly as they made their way across the yard.

"Yeah. But the thing is, when I looked at it, I just — it hit me, you know?"

"The...outfit hit you?" His father gave him a perturbed look.

"No. That I'm going to be a father."

"Oh!" There was a pause, and then he chuckled. "Yeah. That old panic."

"Panic. Exactly. So you and Kes are the only fathers I have in my life, and I'm not gonna go talk to a Dameron about these kinds of things. I wanted your experience. Your counsel."

Han snorted skeptically. He opened the door into the sunroom, and they walked across it without pause, directly into the kitchen. "Artu has gone shopping for the stuff we need tonight. You know what that means."

Ben couldn't help the wry grin that stole over his face. Their cook was fiercely protective of his kitchen, and Han was a notorious thief. If ever Artu stepped away, there was Han, sneaking snacks.

He rummaged around until he found what he was looking for — a plateful of brownies. He snagged three off the top, handing one over to Ben and keeping two for himself.

"He's saving these for ice cream sundays tonight," he said conspiratorially. "Don't tell your mother."

Ben had always been able to rely on his father to provide a steady stream of contraband, even as his mother tried to limit his sugar intake to a few pre-approved special occasions. Was that a thing he should do to bond with his child? Certainly during the worst times, it was one of the only good things still left between his and and him. But Ben wasn't sure the same relationship would apply, because he was fairly certain Rey would be the supplier of sugar in the house, and he the one who tried to round out their diets with something healthy once in a while.

"Thanks," he said, giving his father a nod. They moved into the living room, because eating there was also something they only did when no one was around to catch them. There was a stack of things in the corner he'd never seen before — stuffed animals, packages of diapers, bags with clothing store names on the side. Apparently his mother had done a lot of shopping recently.

"Okay," Han said when he'd settled in with a brownie in each hand, looking like a cat who'd just enjoyed knocking something off a shelf. "So what did you want to talk about?"

"I guess I just want to know…" Ben floundered. "When did you figure out the dad stuff?"

His father laughed. "I'll tell you when it happens."

"What?"

"C'mon, Ben, are we really going to pretend I had any clue what the fuck was going on, ever? And do you think that's any better now that you're grown?"

Ben had to concede that. "Great. That's helpful. So how do I get ready?"

"You can't. Whatever you think you're prepared for, it's worse. And by worse, I mean better. And by better — yeah, it's all just nuts, kid." He chewed one of his brownies thoughtfully. "But you know, you take it a day at a time, and somehow you get through it, and it'll be the best thing ever."

"I'm afraid I'm going to mess her up, somehow. I'll do it wrong."

"You will, that's the beauty of it!" Han laughed. "Parents always screw up their kids. Always. You ever heard of a perfect parent? No, you haven't. And you won't be either. Go easy on yourself, Ben. I did just about everything wrong. Your mom did better, but she wasn't perfect either. And look how you turned out."

Ben cocked an eyebrow. "You approve of how I turned out?"

"Well, I'd have preferred for you to follow me into academia instead of working with that cockamamie uncle of yours, but sure, you're okay, kiddo. You got your head on, you got your life together, you do well financially, you've got a fantastic girl at your side and a little one on the way. I'd say you turned out well, wouldn't you?"

But how much of that was luck, really? Plenty of people didn't turn out well. Didn't girls who got into alternative forms of business, particularly the oldest profession in the world, didn't they all have daddy-issues? How could a man know how to protect and nurture and raise a daughter without creating issues? How could he keep her safe from a world that would want to define her, tell her who she ought to be, what she ought to do with her body? How could he shield her from those who would cage her? And how could he prepare her to hold her own against— well, men like himself. Men who would want to steal her heart away as he had stolen her mother's.

"I'm just a little overwhelmed," he sighed.

"Sounds like you're a normal dad, then," his father said with amusement. "You can't control anything except yourself. So do that, love your girls, and things will turn out alright."

That was probably good advice. Ben eyed the pile of baby stuff over in the corner. "What sort of stuff should I be getting for her? What does she need?"

"Something to eat, someone to hold them, and clean diapers," his father said lightly. "Everything else is just trimmings. And Rey might have the eating thing covered, depending on what she chooses."

"Not somewhere to sleep?"

"Babies will sleep anywhere. I stuck you in a drawer one time when we went to visit your grandparents and I couldn't get that damn portable crib thing to open."

Ben looked at his father in shock.

He polished off the last bite of brownie, holding up his hands innocently. "I didn't _close_ the drawer."

"I'm pretty sure they have safety recommendations now, Dad," Ben said dryly.

Han snorted. "I'm sure they do."

Ben stood up and went to the pile of stuff. He grabbed a package of diapers, tearing a side open and pulling one out. He took a teddy bear and walked back to his father.

"Show me how to do this."

Han eyed him dubiously. "You wanna play with stuffed animals, son?"

"I want you to show me how to change a diaper."

His father laughed. "Shit, Ben, that was thirty-something years ago. I don't remember how to do any of that."

"Yes you do," he urged, holding the bear out to his father. "Please just talk me through it."

"Kid, you've got another few months to learn this stuff. Plus, I'm pretty sure they teach first-time dads all kinds of fuckery like this in the hospital."

"I want to know now," he insisted, his voice edged with a thread of steel. "It's something I can do to feel like I'm doing a good job. I'm getting ready."

"Ben—"

"Dad, please."

A heavy curtain of silence fell between them for a minute, and then his father sighed. "Fine. I really don't remember much, but we'll see if we can figure it out, okay?"

Ben nodded. It was good enough.

Han pushed the bear back towards him. "You're doing it, though. Like you said, I just talk you through it."

"Okay." Ben got down on his hands and knees, laying the bear down in front of hm. He sat back. "Go. Teach."

His father passed a hand wearily over his face. He leaned over and grabbed a tissue from a box next to the couch and handed it over. "Here's a wipe. So first you take off the old one."

"Okay…how?"

"Well we'd need one on the bear in the first place to figure that out, wouldn't we?"

Ben rolled his eyes. "What are the steps?"

"I dunno, I'm pretty sure you were in these cloth diapers with giant safety pins."

Ben deadpanned. "I'm pretty sure _you_ were in those, Dad. Those are old as dirt."

Han waved his hand impatiently. "Okay, let's just skip that part. We'll come back to it once we've got this baby diapered. So she's naked. I think you gotta — lift her by her ankles. Just a little. Don't hold her upside down or anything."

Ben took a little bear foot in each hand and lifted its butt off the ground.

"No," his father shook his head. "Now how are you gonna wipe?"

Ben looked at the tissue on the ground, frowned, and then transferred both feet to one grip so he could pick up the tissue with his newly freed hand.

His father nodded. "Yeah, that looks about right. So now you gotta wipe all over the place. Babies got a lotta creases — especially fat babies. The fatter they are, the more places all the shit likes to hide. Get the back first, cuz sometimes it likes to ride way high up there."

Ben mimed along with his father's instruction. "Like this?"

"Yeah, I guess. And then you gotta — well, you were circumcised, so at first you gotta clean it real careful and put vaseline or something on it, and then later when it's all healed you gotta make sure you pull back the—"

"Dad, she won't have that part."

"Oh." Han scratched his neck, a little flustered. "Right. That's right. Well then I guess you'll need to wipe in the—"

"Okay," he interrupted again. "She's clean. Now what?"

"Powder!" His father snapped his fingers and pointed at him. "I remember that! Gotta put some baby powder on to prevent the rashes."

"Doesn't that stuff have led or asbestos or something in it?"

"Well shit, Ben, I don't know. I don't exactly keep up with baby product news, okay?"

"Okay…guess we'll table that, then." He picked up the diaper with his free hand. "So now how does this go on?"

His father grunted and got down on the ground next to him. He flipped the diaper over, and then flipped it again, frowning. "Well, we're gonna open it up like this…" he unfolded it, spreading it out. "And then, I think it goes like…"

He placed it over the bear's belly, Ben lifted the legs again and his father tucked it up and under the bear's back.

"Then these tabs here, they kind of peel open and stick to the back part there."

Ben unfolded them and wrapped them around behind, sticking them down tight. "Like this?"

They sat back and considered the newly diapered bear. Something looked wrong.

Han frowned. He picked it up and turned it over. The small size was in the back, the larger, wider, higher side in the front.

"I'm pretty sure we did it backwards," he said gruffly.

While Ben was unsticking the tabs and flipping the diaper around, the kitchen door opened and his mother came striding right in. She stopped short when she saw them. They both froze and looked up at her, like prey before a predator.

Her gaze darted to the bear, the diaper, the open diaper package, and then to Han and Ben. She frowned.

"Hi honey," Han said with a crooked smile. "You're back early."

"Amilyn had to cancel. What the hell is going on here?"

Han jumped to his feet. "The kid needed some advice." His chest puffed out and his chin lifted in pride. "He didn't want you. He came to _me_. Can you believe that?"

"Mom," Ben said, clutching the bear to him as he stood up. "I — I just wanted to practice."

Her gaze darted to the bear again, and suddenly she burst out laughing. She had to cover her face and turn away as her laughter swelled.

Han and Ben glanced at one another.

Finally his mother turned back around and motioned at the bear, tears pricking her eyes. "What have you done to that poor thing?"

Ben looked down at his handiwork. It _seemed_ to be on the right way this time, but it hung limply off the bear's middle, the leg holes big and loose sloppy. He frowned.

Leia went to her son, gently guiding him back down to the ground. With deft movements and _much_ clearer instruction, she showed Ben how to properly fasten the diaper, tight this time. Then she showed him how to open it and bundle it up for disposal. When they were finished, they put it back on the bear one last time.

She patted his shoulder and grinned. "Look at that. You're not so hopeless. Don't worry, you can do this."

Even though she was just talking about the diaper, relief shot through him anyway and his confidence perked up a little. "You think so?"

"No, I _know_ so." She smiled and looked around. "Where's Rey?"

"Out with friends. I'm going to go get her before dinner."

"Good." She kissed his head before standing up. "So when are you going to give her your grandmother's ring?"

His father choked and started to cough, but Ben thought it sounded suspiciously like a laugh. He stood up too and returned the diapered bear to the pile of items. When he turned around again, he shrugged. "I don't know yet. I'm not sure if she wants that. And I'm not really in a hurry. Besides, I thought you didn't care."

"Oh, I don't," she said airily, and somehow Ben didn't believe her. "It's just that, I'm pretty sure you're wrong. But what do I know? It's your life. I'm just happy to see my son so happy. Now, tell me about names."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Next up, a head of lettuce, names, names, names. And house hunting. POV Rey.
> 
> Probably Monday or Tuesday, depending on how quickly I can meet my work deadlines.


	14. Gold In The Air Of Summer

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Summer lovin', the name game, house hunters

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for your patience with this update, friends. I had a really bad week. Got some difficult news that plunged me into an emotional spiral for a few days. I'm still dealing with it. I had to back off writing for a little while, but I couldn't stay away for too long because the sweetness of this particular fic is kind of healing. So if this chapter is a little bit extra fluffy, that's why. Let us wade through their happiness together.
> 
> (I just want to get this up tonight. I'll check for typos in the morning.)

TWENTY-EIGHT WEEKS — HEAD OF LETTUCE

Rey wasn't _good_ at relationships.

Her previous forays into couple-hood with others had been failed experiments, really. She wanted them to work, she thought, and at the point of breakup she always wondered what had gone wrong. But every time, after she'd thought about it for a while, she always came to the same conclusion. She just really sucked at being vulnerable with another person.

She always held something of herself back. Kept one foot out, ready to make her getaway before she could get hurt.

Trust didn't come easily to Rey. At least, not the kind of deep, willing certainty necessary for a meaningful and lasting relationship. Committing herself to someone like that felt like two people jumping off a cliff hand in hand. She couldn't ever make that leap before. She smiled and played along and let a few of them call her _girlfriend,_ and she did the things expected of her, but she kept an eye on an open door and held back pieces of her heart, waiting for it to inevitably fall apart. And it always did. Either she fucked up, or they did, but usually it came down to each partner realizing that Rey only ever circled the perimeter of their relationship, investigating the edges for weak points.

She pretended not to know why she couldn't hang on to romance. But she did know. Of course she knew.

Trauma was a sticky thing. Hard to scrape off. Hard to be rid of.

Therapy helped. She'd been going off and on for years, before she even arrived in the States. Her circle of good, safe friends helped even more. Even though none but Ben knew about her darkest shadows, she felt genuinely loved and understood by them. She learned how to trust others by being among them, practicing a little at a time.

And Ben...

With him, it had always been so damn easy. Maybe because she only let herself see him as a friend, or maybe it was just their compatible natures. Nothing about him threatened her. Nothing about their friendship made her feel restless or nervous, like she was merely one bad day away from getting hurt. She didn't hunt for escape points or wait for him to realize he didn't want her after all. Nothing between them ever felt like pressure.

He didn't ask for her to trust him and jump off any cliffs.

And so, paradoxically, she did trust him. Profoundly. As deep as trust could go, right to the most hidden, secret chambers of her heart. It built so subtly, she didn't even realize how much trust she'd had in him until she told him all about her bad childhood and the things she'd been through. Her wounds. And Ben, he responded exactly right. She felt fully seen for the first time in her life. He didn't treat her trauma like a burden, didn't abandon her on the steps of a church rather than deal with her. He kept her close. They went along as they had before, content with this natural friendship, Ben still acting like she was his favorite person in the whole world. Even though he knew how far her fractures ran.

In retrospect, she should have realized then that she was destined to fall in love with him.

How could she not? She'd never felt so safe to be herself with anyone before.

So this...this thing with him, it was new. And so different. Sometimes she got spooked by how it was all unfolding so effortlessly, each step forward not some giant stair to climb, but as easy as taking a breath. Jumping off the cliff and into this mutual free fall, it wasn't a leap. It required no courage, no bracing moment of fear. After that moment on the hilltop when they'd said those words, everything just sort of slid into place and suddenly she was flying with him.

The real shame was how long it took her to get to this point with him. Because they could have been enjoying all along the kind of life they had during the summer of Rey's second trimester.

A golden summer, swathed in the carefree, dream-like bliss that all the best summers share. Rey couldn't remember a happier one in her whole life.

Not even the physical discomforts of her _condition_ could put a damper on her happiness. She ran hot, _so hot_ , for those blazing months, her body transforming into a living heater determined to sweat her down to a wasted wick of a person. But Ben found a way to turn this into a tool for incredible intimacy. He whisked her off to his parent's private pool as often as she wanted. He instituted cool showers together every night, showers that sometimes included toe-curling fingerfucking and almost always ended with two slick, cold bodies colliding once they got to the sprawling expanse of Ben's bed. During the day, he plied her with popsicles and slushees aplenty, and when she was really too hot to endure it, he'd leave work to come home and use ice cubes on her in ways she would have blushed to explain to her friends.

She'd never been so glad to be so uncomfortably hot all the time.

They did all the usual things they did every summer — went to movies in the park, attended outdoor concerts, joined their friends for every one of Poe's backyard barbecues, watched the Independence Day parade from Rose and Hux's balcony (endured the typical jokes she and Hux always got on that particular day) and then found a grassy spot on a hill the same evening to lay out on a blanket and watch the fireworks. They went to a carnival and, despite signs warning against it and Ben's half-hearted protests, Rey bribed a bored ride attendant to allow her on the ferris wheel. Nothing happened, of course, except a lovely ride with Ben. She didn't try to go on any other rides, even though she was reasonably certain these piddly little attractions wouldn't do her or the hidden little girl any harm. Instead she took pictures of their friends on the rides and amused herself posting the most embarrassing ones to social media.

Yes, much of that summer was similar to how it had always been, but there were new things too. Things that the _rules_ of their NSA friendship had not allowed before. Like all the kissing. Like the time Ben bought several pints of fancy artisan ice cream on his way home from work and they made a complete mess of the sheets tasting the different flavors off each other's bodies. Ben liked best a mascarpone-blackberry flavor off Rey's left nipple. She liked best a dark chocolate-raspberry stripe trailing from his sternum to his navel.

They did silly kid stuff too, as if making up for all the time they'd lost skirting around this thing. When they went to a children's entrepreneur fair and bought homemade bath bombs off a little girl, they filled an inflatable pool in the tiny spit of yard Ben had behind his condo and dumped all of them into the water at once. At the same fair they bought miniature homemade piñatas and busted them up, delighted to find a bag of pop rocks among the candy. After that discovery, Ben filled his mouth with them, pinned her to the couch, and showed her what it was to make out with literal fireworks sparking between their tongues. Like a couple of lovesick teenagers.

Rey loved it. She loved every minute.

But probably her favorite event of the summer was when Ben took her to his parents lake house for a week. Han and Leia went too.

Rey supposed he'd brought all his girlfriends there at some point. It was such a pretty, private little place, secluded among tall trees along a quiet shore of a vast, tree-rimmed lake. A great place for a romantic escape. But the very first day there, Han teased Ben about finally finding the balls to bring a girl, and Rey learned that she was the first.

This pleased her in ways she didn't have the language to articulate.

She loved that week at the lake house. Watching Ben and his parents interact in this intimate setting provided her with so much entertainment. They were a testy bunch, quarrelsome and easily exasperated, but their arguments never carried real heat, and never caused real injury. Mostly they bickered, but in a way that left no doubt how much they truly loved one another. Ben and his father, particularly, often butted heads over trivial things. But just as often as they fought, Rey would catch them engaged in some pursuit together. Like trying to clean out the choke valve on their little boat. Or when Ben got up early one morning to sit on the dock with his father and fish off the side. One time, inexplicably, Rey went into the den and found Han trying to show Ben how to carefully wrap a loaf of broad in a towel. When they saw her they both got flustered immediately and tried to hide their activities. Han tore off a huge chunk of bread and stuffed it into his mouth to avoid having to explain, which seemed to horrify Ben.

Rey never really did get a clear answer about what that one was about.

Both Han and Leia welcomed Rey with all the warmth she could have hoped for. They seemed genuinely happy to have her there. Leia showed Rey all the photo albums she kept at the Lake House, old pictures of Ben as a baby and a child. A gangly kid with big ears, a lopsided grin, and a whole lotta hair. Rey loved him. Leia patted Rey's belly and said she wondered if their daughter would look more like him, or like her.

Han discovered Rey had a knack for fixing things, and together they worked on fixing up an old pinball machine he kept at the lake house as a project. Before the week was up, they had it working again and the four of them took turns trying to beat each other's high scores. Leia was hopelessly terrible at it, but she was also a good sport and kept trying anyway. Ben turned out to be the pinball wizard no one expected.

On the second to last night there, she experienced one of those rare moments of pure delight. The sky had opened in spectacular fashion, so the four of them sat on the porch and watched the rain scatter across the lake, lightning slicing dramatically through the sky while thunder grumbled discontentedly around them.

Rey would remember that night for years to come. She and Ben occupied the porch swing, with her tucked up against him, her head on his shoulder and his arm around her. On her other side, Leia sat beside Han in a couple of wicker chairs, their feet propped up together on a coffee table. Everyone had a hot mug in hand, sipping herbal teas. Nobody really talked much as they took in the squall, but a feeling of _togetherness_ permeated every particle of the charged night air. Rey had never been so certain that this moment right here was what the word _family_ meant. That somewhere in those meaningful letters, this moment had been painted. And a few minutes later when Leia got up and fetched a blanket, tucking it in around them before spreading one for her and Han to stave off the chill of the rain, Rey knew that she'd finally glimpsed the definition of the word _mother_.

At times over the course of that week at the lake, Rey felt distinctly that she'd come at last to the rest at the end of a long journey. She'd struggled alone for so long, clawed her way through his life on sheer fury alone, stubbornly refusing to drown even when the ghosts of her past kept dragging her under. Now she didn't struggle anymore. She wasn't drowning. Finally, the universe had granted her a token for her tenacity. Her prize? A good man who understood her. A version of parents who willingly embraced her as theirs. A family of her own in the making.

Yes, sometimes she felt at peace with these turn of events. And other times, she doubted. This much happiness couldn't really be meant for her. She'd been allowed a lovely taste, and that's all, and someday the other shoe would drop and she'd end up alone. These thoughts were fleeting, thankfully, and she managed to trample them down with a healthy reminder that the hard parts were yet to come. To have this family of her own, she still had to fucking push another human out of her body.

A human who still didn't have a name.

Because they were truly hopeless at that particular task. Extraordinarily bad. True champions of not taking it seriously at all.

Not that they hadn't tried. It was just that Ben had this absurd memory for music. As unrelated as the two seemed, Rey quickly realized that the latter really complicated the former.

It stated with a name that Rey didn't even really know if she liked. While browsing a popular naming website, a lump of discomfort sitting low in her gut because this whole naming thing was leagues outside her comfort zone, Rey discovered a list entitled _Names of Powerful Female Figures_. Her brow quirked in interest, and the clicked through, vaguely supposing that a powerful woman namesake could be a good idea. Right? A good mother would want her daughter to emulate a strong example, right?

She started at the top of the list, deciding to say them out loud to hear how the sounds felt on hr tongue, how they cut through the air.

"Athena," she read, immediately amused. Goddess names, she supposed, were _literally_ powerful.

"Athee-na!" Ben sang idly from the kitchen table where he was busy scrolling real estate websites.

Rey, reclined on the couch in the living room, lifted her head and shot him a startled look over the back of the sofa.

"What?" he said, blank-faced.

"You just...you just burst into song?" she said uncertainly, as if maybe he wasn't even aware he'd done it.

He laughed. "Athena."

Rey's brow furrowed. "Yeah."

Ben stared at her expectantly, his eyes widening. Apparently there was some significance here she was missing, but for the life of her, Rey could not begin to fathom what that was.

She shook her head, baffled. "Are you especially excited about that name?"

Had their search ended at this one first suggestion? Rey didn't know if she particularly _loved_ the name, but then, she didn't really know about any part of this process. Did Athena match the squirmy creature currently jamming something hard into what felt like Rey's kidneys?

"No, it's a song," Ben chuckled, singing softly, " _Athena, I had no idea how much I need her._ No? Nothing?"

Rey shrugged helplessly.

He got up from the table, excited agitation manifesting in his quick movements now. He swept a hand through his hair, swinging his head in that disbelieving expression he wore when he thought she'd said something ridiculous. "No, I know you've heard it. You have. You'll recognize it. It's by The Who."

She laughed as he busied himself turning on his stereo and pairing it with his phone, because apparently this song couldn't go un-listened to.

It wouldn't be a one time thing. When Roger Daltrey finished singing about _just a girl_ , Ben sat down next to her on the couch and nodded at the computer. "What else? Give me another."

Eleanor (for Eleanor Roosevelt, Rey assumed) turned into an impromptu karaoke session with Paul and the boys. Then the wind cried Mary, and Susan (B. Anthony?) became Wake Up Little Susie.

"Mixing their mythology a little, aren't they?" Rey said after the Everly Brothers faded out, "to have Athena and Diana in the same list?"

"Diana!" Ben said, his face lighting up. "Now that one is fun. You'll love the lyrics on this."

The speakers blared a male singer Rey didn't recognize, do-wop'ing his way through a very 50's-sounding song about a girl who was _so old_ and he, the singer, was _so young_. Rey laughed. Ben nodded along, looking far too pleased with himself and tapping out the rhythm against her stomach. He leaned over and said in a low murmur,

"What do you think, little olive, are you a Diana?"

No, Rey thought. That didn't sound like it fit.

Ben's eyes widened and he sat up suddenly. "Wait, there's another song. If age-gap cougar love doesn't convince you," he said, navigating to a new song on his phone. "How about something a little more familiar?"

Suddenly the living room filled with One Direction exultantly singing about a Diana whose language they didn't speak, but they wanted to save anyway.

They got absolutely nowhere that night, but Rey laughed so much she went to bed with aching abs, so really, she couldn't complain. One of the things she'd always enjoyed about their friendship over the years was how she alone knew about Ben's completely goofy side. He never made a fool of himself around anyone but her. Honestly, Rey didn't even know if Rose or their other friends would believe her if she tried to tell him he'd pulled her to in to bust cheesy moves and dance crazily around his living room with him. There had been other moments like that over the years, and Rey loved being the sole keeper of his silly side.

"How is it possible," Rose asked her a week after, "that you guys still can't think of _any_ names?"

Rey shrugged and shook her head. "I don't know! Nothing seems to stick. We're just...not cut out for this part, I guess."

"Pick a theme," Rose urged. "Like, virtue names or something."

"Virtue names," she snorted. "Like Chastity?"

"Like Hope, Faith, that kind of thing. I don't know. Or not, but you know, that kind of theme."

Rey told Ben about that conversation later, and he found it highly amusing.

" _Virtue_ names," he said derisively. "Some puritanical standard to live up to? Like...Temperance?"

"Prudence?" Rey grinned.

"Patience."

She laughed. "Honor."

He looked up from the peppers he had on the fire of his gas range, filling the house with the mouth-watering aroma of roasted red pepper. "Courage."

"Modesty."

"Fortitude."

"Steadfastness? Nessie?"

They kept going like that, listing off increasingly ridiculous virtues as Rey chopped the chicken and Ben prepped the bruschetta. Afterward it devolved, somehow, into a discussion of The Scarlet Letter.

They really struggled to stay on topic.

 _Especially_ with that damn jukebox in Ben's head going off all the time. Rey could soon swear that for every name, someone had written a song. And Ben had inevitably heard that song. It became a kind of game of hers to see if she could stump him. He was surprisingly hard to stump. She began to take more interest in finding obscure names no one had ever sung about than actually considering what she thought would suit their daughter.

They did, of course, hit the big ones. Layla. Annie. Cecilia. Lucy. Mandy. Jenny. Maggie. Fucking _Caroline_. Rey had walked right into that one, reading it off a list, not even realizing until it was too late what a perfect set-up she'd given him. And then of course they had to listen to the whole song, and sing along loudly.)

But there were other names too. Ones she'd certainly never heard sung, but which Ben nonetheless played for her. Evelyn. Charlie. Melissa. Josephine. Margot. Beatrice. So many more. Rey did wonder what it meant that for every girl who had ever been given a name, there was a corresponding songwriter who wanted to immortalize her.

"Face it," Ben sighed as they wandered through a late July farmer's market. "If you want a name that's never been put into song, you might have to make something up yourself."

At this point Rey felt a little irritable for no real reason other than heat and hormones. She threw back a little more tersely than he deserved, "What, like those weird ass syllables people just throw together and pretend is a trendy new name? Brixley? Irelyn? Taylee? Justus?"

Ben laughed. "Some people love those names."

"Some people forget they're naming adults and not perma-babies," she grouched. "What kind of self-respecting adult woman wants to introduce herself as _Brixley_?"

"I mean, for sure you won't find any songs named after them."

"I don't care if there's a song. It might even be a benefit, if it's a good song."

He stopped to buy a giant frozen lemonade, and Rey wondered how he could possibly know that icy cold citrus sounded so _heavenly_ right in that moment. "Okay, well let's explore that _theme_ idea again," he said after paying. They stepped aside while the booth attendant prepared the drink. "How about vintage? Old school names. I think I like old school names."

It was the first time he'd really given any indication of what his preferences were, and Rey wondered why he'd never bothered to mention this before. It certainly would have narrowed down their search a bit. But as soon as he handed over the frozen lemonade and she took a drink, her mind and mood began to cool. She didn't mind that it was taking so long. Really, she didn't. Leia had been right about the _fun_ part, at least.

"Vintage," she repeated thoughtfully. "Like Florence?"

"Florence isn't bad," he said with a small smile. "Hazel?"

"Hazel is nice." She settled back into their walk, nursing her drink. "Agnes?"

"No Agnes," he chuckled. "Phoebe?"

"Makes me think of Friends," she hummed.

"June?"

"Aw," she said with a small smile. "June is kind of nice."

He paused at a produce stand, loading up on as much fresh fruit as his market bag could carry. "Alice?"

"Makes me think of Lewis Carroll, but that's not necessarily a bad thing. A literary connection could be fun. Alice is nice."

"If you want literary," he said with amusement, "I'm rather fond of Scout."

"No Scout," she laughed. "That wasn't even her name, anyway."

"I know. It was Jean Louise." He winced and shook his head. "But no on Jean. That makes me think of Jean Grey, and she's way too tragic a character."

"Tragic? What do you mean? The Phoenix is _powerful_! She should have been on that list!"

After that, they fell into a debate about X-Men and the various storylines Jean Grey had been through during different comic runs. That discussion lasted the entire rest of their trip to the Farmer's market, and a little bit into the afternoon too, until they finally went with Finn and Poe to see an old Hitchcock film playing at one of the art theaters. After that they really just talked about the genius of Hitchcock.

Truly hopeless.

But Rey didn't mind. On a certain level, all this nonsense reassured her that things between them were much the same as they'd always been. When Ben had been away, she'd been suffocating by the terror that any significant shift in their relationship would spell their doom. That telling him those words, _I love you_ , would change what they had. Would ruin it.

It didn't.

They were exactly the same as before, except now they kissed and cuddled and put words to the feelings tumbling around in their hearts. And now they didn't pretend there would ever be anyone else.

But it felt wrong to refer to him as her boyfriend. The word felt...inadequate. When people asked, she said he was her _partner_. That sounded okay to her. Because they were quest mates on this new journey together. Teammates. Co-conspirators.

"Like Frodo and Sam," she mused to him one night as they sat in bed. She leaned against the headboard. He reclined against her, angled strategically to avoid crushing her ever-growing bump. He thumbed through real estate listings yet again. She braided and unbraided his luscious hair.

"Then you're Frodo, and I'm Sam," he replied easily, "Because you're the one doing the hard work here."

Sometimes Rey really did feel like he was carrying her. When her emotions boiled over. When she got afraid and overwhelmed and suddenly panicked about the reality of having a baby. Forever. It felt like he carried her until she could find her footing again. But sometimes their roles reversed. Sometimes Ben struggled, and then Rey stepped in to comfort. She'd never tell Ben she was glad of his freak outs, but they certainly made her feel less cowardly for having her own. And besides, this caring thing, it made them even closer. Ben was always an affectionate fool after she'd spent time soothing him.

She liked learning with him. Liked exploring new coping skills. Liked moving through this undiscovered country of a real relationship. And time slipped through her fingers like sand through an hourglass, the summer bleeding out, until she was staring down the barrel of her third and final trimester.

Twenty-eight weeks. Twelve to go. And then they'd be _parents_.

Twelve weeks to finally accomplish the task that eluded her — provide her daughter with a sound to tie to her identity.

"What about a family name?" she asked him.

He'd finished with a client early and took a long lunch, meeting her at the cafe where she'd set up to work for the morning. She was done now, and eating with him. Currently he nibbled on rosemary fries, reading over one of the radio commercial scripts she'd written for a local audiophile speaker company.

His attention flicked up from her script, a little surprised at the question. "You want to talk about that? Don't you want my opinion on this?"

She shrugged. "Sure. What is your opinion?"

"It's good," he said with a smirk, and closed her laptop. "But you already knew that, I think."

She did. It was definitely one of her stronger scripts.

"So," she said expectantly. "Family name?"

Ben pressed his lips into a line, producing an uneasy noise, like a discontented rumble in his chest. "I'm not a big fan."

"You don't like any of your family names, or you don't like the idea of them in general?"

"Both." He seemed amused then. "Besides, there are only three names to choose from in my family. My mother, my aunt, my grandmother. I don't like Leia, Mara, or Padme. Do you?"

"Leia isn't so bad," Rey admitted after some thought. She smiled a little. "It would probably make your mother really happy. Or we could pick something else. Like...Hannah, after your father?"

He grimaced. "No. Neither. It's important to me that she forge her own identity in this life. I'm not...I'm not eager to saddle her with some legacy to live up to, like I had."

"A legacy isn't the worst thing," she mused. "It's better than having nothing at all."

His expression softened. He shifted his long legs under the table, perching them on the bar beneath her chair, right between her own legs. A small gesture of comfort, since he couldn't reach her hands currently in her lap. "You're right. And she _will_ have a family. She'll have a heritage. I just don't want her to have to wear someone else's name as she makes her way in the world. She'll already have mine to back her up. Let's find something uniquely her own for a first name."

Warmth spread through Rey's chest at this reminder, grateful anew that this little girl _would_ have her father's name behind her. To tether her to people, to him, to his father and mother. Solo was a good name to carry. Good enough that she could have her own and not feel alone in the world.

Good enough, maybe, that Rey could almost admit that she wanted it too.

Not that she'd say _that_ out loud.

"Okay," she said instead, taking a deep breath. "So family is out. What's next? A new theme?"

He relaxed back in his chair. "Fruits and vegetables?"

She snickered. "Norse Gods?"

That made him crack a grin around another fry. "Freya? Frigg?"

"Oh, Frigg is a gem."

"You know," he mused, "Loki turned himself into a woman for a few of the myths. We could call her Loki."

Rey snorted so hard she actually choked on the sip of water she'd just taken, almost sending it straight through her nose.

Ben grinned and handed her a napkin as she laughed through her coughing fit. He didn't let up. "Sif? Sigyn? Hel? We've got some great options here. What do you think?"

"Hel is definitely the winner," she said when she'd recovered enough breath to speak.

Ben's hand opened in a motioning gesture. "There's so many possibilities with that one. Think of it. We'd get to say really metal things like, _Hel is awake._ Or, _Rey, can you go to Hel?_ Or, _Hey friends, this is Hel_. It's just so versatile."

They really, really couldn't take this name thing seriously. Nobody could understand why they didn't have even a single option they were actually considering, none more exasperated than Leia, but it really was too hard to explain. Somehow they always deflected away from actually deciding, finding it easier to joke around, or sing, or devolve into literary critiques of Tess of the d'Urbervilles.

Honestly, they should just silently compare lists and circle the ones they liked. Then they wouldn't be able to distract each other.

"Maybe she just won't have a name," she finally sighed when their lunch ended and Ben had to head back to work.

"Hey," he said encouragingly, pulling her to her feet because it was becoming increasingly difficult to manage her new center of gravity. "Don't worry. We _will_ find one. When we do, and when it's the right one, it'll just stick."

He'd said that before. Rey wondered when that _stick_ would finally happen, though. Because right now, everything just felt like...someone else. Like someone who could just walk in and introduce themselves. Not _their_ person. The baby, the girl, the woman, who wouldn't exist if it weren't for them.

"Too bad it's frowned upon to give them numbers," she said wryly as she slid her laptop into her shoulder bag and started to follow him out. "She could just be called _three_."

"Three?"

She touched his arm. "One—" she touched her chest, "two—" and then she touched her rounded middle, "three."

Ben smiled one of his big, full smiles. He took her hand and gave it a squeeze. "Three, huh? It's not great."

"A color then," she teased. "Green?"

They exited the cafe, standing out front, caught in the reluctance of parting. Ben's eyes flashed wickedly and a smirk danced along the edges of his lush mouth. "Green. You know, Joni Mitchell has this sweet song about her daughter. You know what she calls her girl, in the song?"

Rey groaned before he even said it.

He laughed. "Little Green."

"You, Ben Solo," she sighed, leaning up on her toes to kiss him once, sparks zipping through her veins even still. "You are impossible."

* * *

House hunting, for some reason, was no easier than choosing a baby name. Rey had never been through the process before, but it seemed to her that it really shouldn't have been this hard to find something. Their real estate agent, a woman by the name of Ciena Kyrell, assured them that their experiences were _not normal._ That she'd never experienced so much bad luck in her career, and they would definitely find something soon. Rey really wondered about that last part after their eighth failed showing.

The first house they tried looked beautiful from the pictures. Pictures that turned out to be carefully angled and selectively curated, because when they showed up to look at the place, they found all kinds of interesting… _surprises_. Like a stripper pole in the middle of the living room, complete with a color-changing spotlight and everything. And a bedroom that had been heavily renovated to depict something from a popular BDSM book trilogy-turned-blockbuster movie. Those things might have been easily taken care of with a little remodel, as Ciena gamely pointed out, but it was when they went to the basement to find a wall-to-wall collection of amateur oil paintings of what could only be assumed were the previous owners, _naked_ and engaged in erotic activities, Ben firmly declared he definitely could _not_ unsee any of it and the house was out of the running.

At another house they went to, Rey got halfway up the front drive before her nose told her something was very off. When Ciena opened the door, they were hit with a blast of cat-urine ammonia scent so strong Rey actually started to gag. She grabbed Ben, begged him not to go in that house because he'd come out smelling like a litterbox and she could not associate that scent with him. It would be indelibly imprinted on her brain, no matter how many showers he took.

And at the third house they tried to see, Ciena checked and double checked that the house would be empty, but when they took a tour of the upstairs, they found a naked man waiting in a doorway. When he saw Ben, he screamed and grabbed a pillow to cover his small endowment, shouting insults about how he specifically said _no dicks_ in the craigslist personals ad.

The fourth house had a mummified cat in the cupboard under the stairs.

The fifth house had been on the market for a long time without any movement. It was nice, actually. An older home with a 70's style facade but updated interior. Nothing strange in any of the rooms. The trouble came while exploring the bedrooms, Ben kicked up some dust from a bookshelf and sneezed, loudly and unexpectedly, and the baby _jumped_ , startled into a fierce kick or stretch or something that pressed _hard_ on Rey's already compressed bladder. She had to make a mad dash for the bathroom. When she finished, she discovered to her everlasting horror that the water to the home had been shut off. She made a quick, humiliating exit and told Ben they had to go. She didn't tell him why until later, and then she had to sit through ten minutes of his laughter.

The sixth house had a full spread of finger foods and fruits and vegetables in the kitchen, which was lovely. Another couple toured the home with their agent just before Ben, Rey, and Ciena arrived. The other agent assured them the food was for prospective buyers, so everyone ate generously. Just when they were about to leave, the owner came home and burst into tears, saying she had a bridge group coming to play in an hour and that food was for them. It didn't change anything about the suitability of the home, but they all agreed there was no coming back from that.

The seventh house was definitely, _definitely_ haunted. Walking through left Rey chilled and afraid and wanting to scrape a _very bad_ vibe off her skin for hours after.

The eighth house was _filthy_. A layer of grime coated everything. The toilet and tub were black with mold. They got out of that one quickly too.

"Just come live in my neighborhood," Poe complained to them one day when they related some of these horror stories. "This is craziness. These homes are nice, and it'd be great to have you guys so close. I can even vet the property first so you don't have to walk in to some nightmare scenario again."

"Thanks," Ben said, "but we'll find something."

So confident. The summer was quickly fading away without a name or a home, yet here he stood, still so certain that things would work out in the twelve weeks they had left.

But Rey trusted him in this too. Truthfully, this home buying process made her feel a little jumpy anyway, even without all the _weirdness_. She'd never lived in a home like the ones they were looking at. She'd dreamed about it, sure, in those far-away pipe dreams she used to entertain to help herself fall asleep at night. Dreams of those fancy family houses where there was a loving mother and loving father, a few kids, plenty of food, comfy beds and warm baths enough for everyone. Thinking of these things soothed her to sleep during those dark, cold days. But she never imagined it could be in her future. She knew, in fact, that it couldn't. That she wasn't meant for that.

So to stand on the threshold now, to watch Ben carve out _this_ kind of life for them, the three of them, and know that she could really have all of that — sometimes it got to be too much, emotionally speaking.

Sometimes her happiness felt too strong, and sometimes it felt edged with a kind of ache, close to sadness, that she'd never known life could be this good. She hurt for her young self, so alone, suffering, knowing that no one had cared enough about her to give her the kind of childhood she and Ben wanted to give their daughter.

Somehow, Ben could tell when her thoughts turned dark like this. He gathered her in his arms and kissed away the tightly tangled feelings, reminding her that the past was gone, and that right now, in the future, she was _deeply_ loved.

So the summer yielded no progress on either the name or the home front, but they did emerge with a fistful of memories that Rey considered some of their best ever. And each day, she fell more in love. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Next Up: "Have you thought about any birthing classes?" Doctor Holdo asked.
> 
> Or: in which Ben and Rey continue to fuck around with their impending parenthood.
> 
> Goal is Monday. Hang in there with me, friends. I really love you and your support.


	15. What Would I Do Without You

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Birthing Classes

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ugh, one of these days I'll stop apologizing for these spotty updates. Life hasn't been as chill as it was a few weeks ago. But anyway — this chapter is inspired by a collection of real events, and a funny Scary Mommy story I read once. It's another huge one.
> 
> **CHAPTER DISCLAIMER**  
> 
> 
> Discussions of different approaches to birthing ahead (holistic/natural versus medical.)
> 
> Even if the characters behave a certain way towards a specific approach, it's important to know that I, as the author, am not making any judgements towards either option. However you feel about birth is fine and good. There is beauty and value in all the different ways women bring babies into this world. Doulas are wonderful, their work is beautiful. Midwives are brilliant, and I love them. Unmedicated, epidurals, c-sections, they're all good! All birth is real.
> 
> Just because our girl Rey would rather not even in be in the room if she can avoid it, and might make fun of some approaches, doesn't mean I have any negative feelings towards "natural" childbirth myself. Please don't rage at me if you feel differently. I'm committed to keeping this story true to character, and this is the way she wanted to go.

**CHAPTER FIFTEEN**

**What would I do without you**

* * *

TWENTY NINE WEEKS — CAULIFLOWER

Doctor Holdo helped Rey sit up again, after measuring her bump, palpating the top of her uterus, and finding that wonderfully steady heartbeat on the Doppler. She wore a satisfied smile.

"Well, looks like everything is still great," she said lightly, inputting a quick note on the computer before sitting at her stool again, "You're both doing wonderful. Do you have any questions for me today, Rey?"

"I don't think so," she said. "Ten weeks to go now, right?"

"Give or take," said Holdo with a small smile. "But I caution you against counting down days. It's not uncommon for first time babies to go past their due date."

"Oh no," Rey hurried to reassure her. "I'm not in a rush to get to the other side of this. I feel okay right now. It's what comes at the end that has me really freaked out."

She didn't _love_ the little nuisances that came with being pregnant, but Ben's help made it bearable, and his adoration of her physical form made it almost sexy, sometimes. Anyway, all of it was infinitely better than maybe being ripped in half to get this trapped, growing thing _out_.

Holdo assessed her with some interest before saying gently, "Have you thought about attending a birthing class?"

Rey grimaced. "No..."

Ben huffed a soft laugh from his seat, but otherwise didn't say anything. He'd always known his role in these appointments — to let Rey and her doctor do their thing without interruption. Holdo always gave him space to ask questions if he had them, but he stayed carefully out of the way.

Holdo's head tilted in curiosity. "Tell me what you're feeling. You made a face. You definitely have some feelings."

Rey exhaled. "I guess I'm a little freaked out by the idea of someone coaching me on how to…do that."

"You do understand that you'll be going through it regardless," Holdo said in a voice that was simultaneously gentle and amused.

"I do…" Rey frowned. She didn't like to think about the _birth_ part of things. It was scary. The scariest part of all of this, now that she felt certain Ben wasn't about to flee and leave her saddled with this by herself. So on some level, yes, she understood that she was on a collision course for a world of hurt coming down the pipe, but she'd rather bask in the joy of this moment with Ben than have anyone talk to her about her fate.

Holdo nodded. "Okay, that's alright. You don't need to do anything you're not comfortable with, and certainly you don't _have_ to take a class to have a successful birth. Women have been doing this since of the dawn of time, sweetie. You'll be fine. But if you're open to the idea, it _can_ be helpful. It can make the process seem less daunting, less unknown. A good class can help both you and Ben feel more confident and prepared."

Prepared.

Rey's Achilles' Heel.

She couldn't very well shore herself up against worst case scenarios if she wasn't willing to even look at what was coming down the road towards her. Cowardice in the face of impending disaster wasn't her way. She needed to get a hold of herself.

Rey dragged her bottom lip between her teeth, gnawing over Holdo's advice even as they finished up the appointment with the reminder that she should come back in two weeks. Ben asked a question about Zika virus and mosquito bites, since Rey had gotten a few that summer, and Hold reassured him. After that, they left.

"How do you feel?" Ben asked her as they drove to the cafe where she was going to meet up with Rose, Jess, and Tallie for brunch. He would head back to work after dropping her off.

He often asked her this after these appointments. Her answer was usually the same, some variation of G _ood. Relieved everything is on track._ Because even though this wasn't something she'd asked for, and wouldn't have wanted if someone suggested it, now that it had happened, Rey couldn't think of anything worse than everything falling apart. Of losing it all. So every time Holdo smiled and gave them good news, she breathed a little sigh of relief.

She suspected Ben felt the same way, because every time they heard that determined heartbeat, he wore this look of painfully profound relief.

But she didn't answer with that today. Instead, she admitted. "Nervous, I guess."

"Nervous." He tasted the word curiously. "What do you mean?"

"Do you think we should take a class?" Rey glanced at him out of the corner of her eye.

Ben didn't answer right away. His gaze remained on the road, his grip shifting a little on the steering wheel. After a minute he said, "Could be helpful, maybe. We keep having these episodes of panic. Admittedly they're more about what comes _after_ , but perhaps the class covers some of that too. Knowing better what's ahead might help us."

"Yeah…" Still, the idea of it made her squirm uncomfortably.

Ben glanced at her then. "We don't have to, if you hate the idea. Like she said, it's not some kind of test you have to pass before they'll let you have a baby."

She exhaled. "Yeah. Okay."

A few quiet minutes later, Ben dropped her off at the cafe. The others were already there, and greeted her enthusiastically.

"How'd it go?" Rose asked after they'd all placed their orders at the counter and chosen a table. "Tell me everything!"

"There isn't much to tell," Rey said, shrugging. "Pretty routine. Everything's good."

Jess leaned back in her chair, idly dipping her tea bag in the steaming mug in front of her. "It's really crazy that you're the first one of us to get pregnant, Rey. You've never really struck me as the type. I'd have guessed it would be Rosie for sure."

Rose choked on her water, sputtering. "Me? Why the hell would it be me?"

Tallie handed her a napkin. "Come on, Rose, you kind of have a mom vibe sometimes, and you and Armie are _all over_ each other, all the time. Way more than anyone else."

"We," Rose said emphatically, "are careful. Double, maybe triple covered. _We_ don't mess around with that kind of thing."

"They were careful," Jess said, motioning at Rey.

Rose glanced at her, and Rey lifted a brow expectantly. She knew Rose's retort would be something along the lines of _not that careful_. But luckily, Rose didn't say it. Rey gave her a small smile, a reward for holding her tongue for once. Rose grinned back.

"What's the matter?" Tallie asked, her tone teasing. "Don't you want to be a mother?"

Rose blushed. "Sure, of course I do. Someday. When I'm ready for it."

"Can you really ever be ready?" Jess wondered in a philosophical tone.

"What about you?" Rose shot back. "You had a scare with Poe, didn't you? Why was it a _scare_? Don't _you_ want to be a mother?"

Jess laughed. "It was a scare because I was with _Poe_ , Rose. Poe Dameron is truly excellent in so many ways, but I always knew we weren't going to go the distance. Poe is a _moment_ kind of guy, not a _distance_ kind of guy. I wasn't about to bring a kid into the world with someone like that. Besides, I don't know if that mom stuff is for me, honestly. No offense, Rey."

Rey blinked, surprised to be dragged into this. She'd been content to just listen. "None taken? I think?"

"What's it like?" Tallie asked curiously. "Having something grow inside you?"

She might as well have asked what it was like tasting salt for the first time. Rey thought for a minute, trying to choose her words carefully. "It's…weird. Really weird. It builds by degrees so you almost don't even notice how weird it is. Like, sometimes you _almost_ forget, but then something happens. Like, she'll get hiccups. And then you remember."

"Hiccups?" Rose's eyes widened. "How do you know that?"

"It's kind of obvious." Rey floundered for how to explain the strange sensations that flittered around in her, beneath the surface but still just as tactile. "I can feel them. Like a twitchy muscle, but...not. Sometimes you can see them, if she's in the right spot. It makes my whole stomach kind of...move."

"Creepy," Jess said, wearing this grin like she sometimes got if someone put on a cheesy eighties horror film.

"Or adorable," said Rose. "Very adorable."

Their food arrived. They parceled it out to each other and set to their task.

"So, forgive me for being so curious, but I don't really know many pregnant people," Tallie disclaimed before launching another question, "But what kinds of things do they do at the doctor? Like, do you have to get a pelvic exam every time so they can check on the baby?"

"No," Rey laughed.

Jess gave Tallie a confused look. "Girl, do you not know how your own cervix works? It's not like they just shine a light on up there and say hello."

"Look, I don't know! Maybe things are different when there's another whole ass human inside you," Tallie said defensively.

"Mostly they just measure you and check your blood pressure, things like that. They do find the heartbeat, which is kind of cool." _Cool_ was an understatement, but Rey didn't really want to gush about how crazily magical that experience was right now. "Today she told me I should think about finding a birthing class."

"Oh my god," Jess said with a wince. "That sounds…traumatizing,"

"My thoughts exactly," Rey sighed.

Rose perked up. "No, it doesn't have to be! Paige is really good friends with this lady. She's a doula. She helps women give birth, and she totally has a class. Yeah, we hung out with her at Paige's one time and she seemed kind of nice. She said her class is all about taking the fear out of birth."

"That sounds like _exactly_ what I need." Rey nudged Rose's phone towards her. "Have Paige get her info. If her class time lines up with our schedule, we'll go."

"We?" Tallie's brow lifted skeptically. "Ben would go too?"

"Yes?" It came out a little more uncertainly than Rey meant. "I thought…I think you're supposed to bring someone with you?"

"That's definitely what I've heard," Rose agreed supportively.

Jess wrinkled her nose. "God, that would be so awkward with someone like Solo. Don't they show you videos of other women's coochies and stuff?"

"Coochies giving _birth_ ," Rose corrected, laughing. "I don't think Ben or anyone else would get off on that kind of gore."

"I would think just the whole birth thing in general would be way outside Mister Serious' comfort zone," Tallie said, agreeing with Jess. She glanced at Rey. "Gwen said he's always taking time off to come with you to the appointments. Isn't that really weird?"

"No, actually, it isn't." She picked at her fries. "He's been great. I feel like I'm more outside my comfort zone than he is."

"Weird," Tallie sighed, glancing at Jess, who nodded sagely.

Rose turned to Rey. "Ignore them. I think it's sweet that he's being great. He's always great to you. Anyway, Paige sent me her doula friend's website, I'll text it to you. You can check out her class times and see if any of them work, and then you can just sign up right there on the site."

"Thanks, Rey told her. "It might be exactly what we need."

"Plus, like, a carseat and a crib and stuff like that," Jess said with a wry grin.

"I'm pretty sure that between Poe and Leia," Tallie laughed, "And the showers they both have planned, they're going to be plenty outfitted in time."

* * *

THIRTY WEEKS — BROCCOLI

"What the fuck is a doula, anyway?" Ben asked as they pulled up in front of a softly illuminated building. In fancy script typeface over the side was written _Better Way Births_.

"I have no idea," Rey said, eyeing the structure. "Maybe like a midwife? I'm hoping she'll explain that part."

There were a few other cars in the parking lot, which made Rey check the time because she suddenly worried they were late. Nope. Five minutes early, because Ben was nothing if not a punctual person. Maybe the other classmates were just extra ambitious.

He took her hand as they walked up the short cobbled path around to the entrance of the building, lined with well-groomed hedges and the soft babble of a fountain somewhere.

"Really going for that _peaceful_ aesthetic," Ben observed. He glanced up at the sign again. "So women actually give birth here?"

"I guess." Rey experienced a familiar tumble of anxiety as he pulled open the door. _You're not here for that today_ , she reminded herself. _This is just a class_.

Still, even in the quiet lobby that smelled heavily of some kind of essential oil, she listened with dread to see if she could detect any wails of women in the throes of physical hell. She pressed in closer to Ben, afraid suddenly that she really _would_ hear it.

A young man sat at the front desk. He lifted his head when they came in and smiled. "Good evening. Are you here for the class?"

"Yeah," said Ben, because Rey was too busy looking around to pay the receptionist much mind.

"Great. Can I just get your names?"

"Rey Johnson and Ben Solo."

The kid verified their registration, then carefully wrote out their first names on adhesive name tags, unpeeled them, and handed them over. "If you'll wear these for this class, you probably won't need them next time."

Ben turned to her and stuck her name tag to her bicep.

Rey's eyes widened. "I'm pretty sure it doesn't go there."

He smirked, shrugged, and placed his neatly on the right side of his shirt. "You're such a weirdo, Rey, why would you wear it like that? Now everyone in the class is gonna look at you funny."

The receptionist smiled and motioned down a hallway. "Please proceed down this hall, to the very end."

"Is anyone — having a baby down there?" Rey heard herself ask, rubbing the sticker better onto her arm and peering skeptically down the corridor of doors.

The young man smiled. "No. Our Earth Mothers use a separate entrance and are guided directly to their home suite. You won't be in that part of the building at all."

Ben choked in a sound like was suspiciously like a laugh. Rey elbowed him. He took her hand again and tugged her down the indicated hall, waving his thanks to the receptionist as they breezed on past.

At least Rey wasn't worried about walking in on something awful anymore. She let herself relax a little.

At the end of the hallway they found an open door. It led to a wide room, carpeted in plush, clean carpet and illuminated in the same muted yellow glow as everything else here. It too smelled like essential oils. The walls sported a collection of art from various cultures, all images depicting women, either with distended bellies and breasts, or in acts of birth.

The room was already plenty occupied when they stepped in.

Approximately six other couples sat together in a circle of round pillows on the ground. Each couple sat side by side, with a few feet between them and the next. At the head of circle knelt a middle-aged woman with highlighted brown hair, a sharp nose, and a slow smile.

"Welcome," she said on a smooth, even voice. "You're right on time. Please, remove your shoes and take a seat."

Shoes? Rey glanced around. There, in a neatly arranged row, were all the other shoes of the previously seated couples. Huh. Okay. Maybe the carpet was new. She slipped of her sandals and Ben placed them tidily beside the others, and then they turned back to the group. There were exactly two pillows available. Rey and Ben awkwardly shuffled to them and sat down. The other couples turned and looked at them with nervous smiles.

All of the women sported bumps of varying sizes, some tiny — one who looked ready to drop a baby any minute. One pair looked unmistakably like mother and daughter, but most of the couples sported wedding rings. Rey self-consciously hid her hands in her lap.

"Now that we're all here," said the woman in front, smiling again, "Allow me to introduce myself. My name is Katie. I have been a doula with Better Way for fifteen years. In that time, I have assisted many Earth Mothers through the sacred journey of life-giving, and witnessed every single tiny miracle that enters the world with them."

Rey snuck a glance at Ben. She could see the corner of his mouth twitch.

"Now," Katie said serenely. "We're going go around and introduce ourselves. This is an environment of trust. Here, we will explore deep waters together, so do not be afraid to own your concerns. No one in this room will judge you. We are all here to keep each other afloat. When it's your turn, please state your name, how far along you are, and what your greatest fear is regarding the act of life-giving. If you are a support partner, please state instead your relation to the mother, so we can all be companions on this road together."

She turned to the first couple in her left, two women who looked to be in their thirties.

"I'm Whit, I'm twenty five weeks, and honestly I am afraid of ending up having a medicated birth," said the first woman.

Noises of sympathy ran around the group.

Her partner went next. "I'm Angie, and I'm Whitt's wife."

They looked expectantly at the next couple. Sophie and her husband Daniel, as they introduced themselves. Sophie was thirty weeks, like Rey, and her fear was also receiving unwanted medical intervention.

Afterwards went Penny (twenty weeks) and her mother Donna. Her fear was also being forced into an epidural.

Then came Julie (thirty eight weeks) and her husband Oscar. Julie was afraid of the baby being given vaccines right after birth.

The next two couples, also married, also in their third trimester, also reported medical intervention as being their fear.

Rey was feeling _decidedly_ self-conscious by the time her turn came around. It curdled in her chest until it felt like inappropriate laughter trying to crowd its way up her throat. She swallowed it back.

"Uh, hi, I'm Rey. I'm thirty weeks as well, and um…my biggest fear is that something horrible will happen and the baby won't make it."

Shocked silence and horrified glances flew around the room.

She cleared her throat and amended with a small laugh, "But I guess that's everyone's ultimate fear, isn't it? After that it's probably being afraid of tearing so badly I get a vagasshole."

A startled bark of laughter escaped Ben before he hurried to conceal it with a cough. A few of the others frowned. Nobody else laughed.

She pulled her lip between her teeth and glanced at Ben, hoping he'd rescue her by taking his turn.

"I'm Ben," he said when he got a hold of himself. "I'm the father of the vagina-ripper."

A few more frowns this time.

Katie cocked her head to the side. "Ben, respectfully I issue a correction, you're supposed to tell us your relation to the _mother_ , not the baby."

"Oh, that." He gave Rey an amused look. "She's just some woman from craigslist who I paid to impregnate."

Rey's cheeks flamed bright and she shoved his shoulder. He grinned. Even though nobody else laughed, she appreciated his attempt at levity anyway. Seemed like they were in a tough crowd. It made the urge to giggle nervously even worse.

Katie cleared her throat. "Okay. Well, we're going to move on but I just want to pause here and reassure you that all your fears will be addressed throughout the course of this class. Rey, your fear of tearing — while unusually articulated — is not unfounded. Fourth degree tears are _much_ more common in medically assisted birth, as the body does not have time to properly adjust and accommodate before it is forced to perform a clinical procedure, instead of undertaking a natural journey. So we will cover that in our discussion of labor and medicated versus unmedicated. But first, we're going to split. Partners in one group, mother's in another."

Ben's head snapped around and he gave Rey a vaguely panicked look. "This is how it ends, isn't it? They'll separate us and kidnap us for organ harvesting or something."

Everyone had stood. Katie was directing the support partners to follow another instructor named Mila to another room.

Rey shook her head. "Count your blessings. They'll only take your kidney. Maybe part of your liver. I think they're gonna steal the whole fetus from me."

He smirked. "I forget how dark your mind is sometimes."

"You're the one talking about organ harvesting." Rey caught his shirt and pulled him down for a quick kiss before pushing him off to join the others now filing quietly out of the room.

Penny, the young woman whose mother had accompanied her, gave Rey a funny look. "Does he pay you to kiss him, too?"

She laughed incredulously. "Eh, no, he was kidding about that."

Penny sighed, and it sounded a lot like sympathy. "My ex couldn't take anything seriously either. That's why he's not involved. I don't need a bad influence like that in my child's life."

Everyone had re-arranged their cushions closer together and now sat again. Rey glanced over at Penny, her voice gentle when she said, "I'm sorry you have to go through this alone."

Penny waved her hand dismissively. "Oh, I'm not alone. For centuries, women have primarily given birth and raised their children with the help of other women. I have my mother, my sister, and my grandmother. There's really no need for males to be involved at all. Really. You can do just fine without them. Better, sometimes."

The way she said it, carefully encouraging, like she meant Rey to learn something from it. Rey's brow lifted and she turned her attention back to the instructor.

Katie settled onto her cushion and smiled at them. "I'm so excited you're all here today," she said warmly. "You might not choose to give birth here at Better Way, or you might, but either way I hope you'll take something positive away from this class. What I hope you most understand is that what you're going to go through is very, very natural. Your body knows what to do. There is nothing to be afraid of. Modern medicine has taught us to fear, but fear is the enemy of a peaceful and successful labor."

Rey was, admittedly, a little reassured by this statement. Maybe it was the way Katie said it, like she was confiding a secret as old as time itself.

"Now," she continued, "We're here to share with one another. We're going to go around the circle again. This time I'd love for you to share if this is a first baby, where you hope to deliver, if you know the gender, and what your birth plan is. Whit, looks like you're first again."

Whit lit up excitedly. She ran a hand over her small belly. "This is my first baby. I'm pre-registered to give birth right here at Better Way. The baby is a boy. And I actually brought a copy of my birth plan—" she turned and fished out from her bag several sheets of paper, folded in thirds. She unfolded them and began to tick down the list.

Rey's eyes widened with each passing minute. Whit had _everything_ planned out, from what music she would have playing while she labored, which she would have while she transitioned and pushed, which oils she wanted in the room, what comfort items she wanted to bring, how long she wanted to stay at the center, even things like laboring first on a ball, then in a tub, then squatting for delivery.

By the time she was finished reading, Rey was pretty sure the class should be over. It felt like it had taken so long. But then Sophie went next, this was her second baby, a girl, and she had a similarly outlined plan. As did Julie. And Penny too had a very specific, very detailed plan for her _journey of life-giving_. After the other two women (Trista and Eden) shared their plans, Rey felt distinctly sick to her stomach.

"Rey?" Katie prompted with a smile.

"So…" She started, shifting awkwardly on her cushion. "Yeah, first baby. A girl. And I'm…not pre-registered anywhere. But I'm planning on a hospital. And…my plan is... to get the baby out."

The others watched her, waiting for her to continue.

"Um, period," she said.

Whit laughed. It wasn't a nice laugh.

Katie gave Rey a patient look, but her smile seemed to waver a little. "It's perfectly alright, Rey. Many women don't have a lot of support to help them know what decisions are important to make ahead of time. Hopefully this class can help you discover what kind of experience you'd like to have. This is a judgement-free environment."

Rey felt a whole lot of judgement emanating from the others, but she pressed her mouth into a thin line rather than point this out.

Katie monologued for a little while longer about the beauty of _life-giving_ and the spiritual journey of the birth process. She talked too about trusting one's support partners and communicating needs clearly.

"Partners," she said, "Can be your advocate and your champion."

After that, said partners were brought back. Rey glanced at the clock. Only about half an hour had passed, but she honestly felt like it had been half a day. When Ben came back in, looking as amused as when he left, she practically threw herself at him.

"This place is so crazy," she muttered softly into his chest.

A subtle chuckle rumbled against her head. "I wonder if Paige knows what she signed us up for."

Rey wanted to think Paige was too pragmatic for all this, but she no longer had confidence in anything. Some of these women probably seemed perfectly reasonable in their everyday lives. Not like lunatics who wanted to squat over a mirror so they could watch their insides become their outsides.

Everyone sat again, and Katie finally talked about the stages of labor. She didn't get into the details Rey actually wanted — she'd have preferred to know about how contractions actually felt, and how to know when it was time to go to the hospital — but she did produce a model of the pelvic bowl and show them how it opened to allow for the passage of a head and shoulders. She showed them a board with different sized holes, from very tiny to positively enormous, and cheerfully told them that this was depicted a progression of the cervix during labor.

Rey wanted to throw up.

Katie modeled good labor positions, from squatting, leaning over on a chair, being on a fitness ball, and finally to a downward-facing dog yoga pose.

She explained breathing as she modeled each one. Breathing and making the right noises. "The resonance of deep sounds can help ease the edge off contractions. Combined with a little movement and your support partner's help, you'll find you can get through just fine without the mask of medication. I'll demonstrate."

She got on her knees, spreading her hips wide, and flattened her top half on the ground. Mila, who had stuck around after the partner group got back, positioned herself behind Katie and pressed firmly on her back while Katie swayed her reared back and forth and began these really deep, primal moans.

" _Ahhh_ ," boomed Katie in a gutteral, low sound.

Rey squeaked. Ben glanced at her. A fit of laughter rose up in her with so much force that to keep it back physically _hurt_ , and tears sprang to her eyes. She turned her head into his arm and stifled the tortured bursts that tried to escape her. Ben snickered, which only made it worse, and soon a tiny little whine was wheezing out of her.

Everybody else was paying close attention to Katie, their expressions hungry like they wanted to know it all. Not like there was a woman writhing in an almost sexual way, bellowing like a whale right in front of them.

Rey thought she might combust before it was all over.

Finally Katie got up. She didn't look the least bit embarrassed, which Rey really thought showed a worrying lack of awareness. "Alright, we're going to practice. Mothers, get into position. Partners, your job is provide counter-pressure."

No, no, Rey wasn't going to be able to handle this. The hysterical laughter still fizzled there, awaiting a proper release, and when Ben turned to her, the look of mischief in his eye told her this was going to be a disaster.

"Well?" he said expectantly, smirking.

Rey got onto her hands and knees, gritting her teeth and lowering the top half of her torso to the floor.

"You really want to open up that pelvic bowl," Mila said gently, and Rey jumped because she didn't even know the girl had come up beside her. Mila smiled apologetically. "Sorry. You'll have to spread a bit wider."

Ben snorted. Rey glanced back to cut him a dirty look as she shifted her knees further apart. Her belly sank comfortably between her legs. Okay, not so bad. Actually, it kind of took some pressure off her spine.

Mila navigated Ben into position behind her, placing his hands on her lower back, on the firm plane of her hip bones.

"Now, you're a pretty big guy," Mila said in a way that said she was clearly impressed. "Don't put all your weight on her, you don't want to crack her spine, but just enough to help. She'll tell you when it feels good."

Even though the position had the same effect as a really good stretch, Rey still felt like a fucking idiot, glancing around at all the other women in a similar position, like they were part of some weird clothed sex class learning about doggy style. Maybe Ben thought the same thing because he grabbed her hips and pulled her back towards him. She threw him a warning look over his shoulder. His mouth twitched and he gave her a few subtle bounces against him.

"Practice a few moans," Kate encouraged, "Feel what the reverberations do to your body."

Rey shook her head. She couldn't do that. She couldn't even breath now because — yes — god, they were all doing it, and — she gasped, the tears springing back because she couldn't laugh ( _don't laugh, don't laugh, fuck, don't laugh)_ — but they were all waving their asses in the air and _mooing_ and—

A crack in the dam. A pressure built up in her belly, in her chest, in her throat.

Beside her, Penny lowed exactly like an ox, and Rey giggled.

And then it was over. She buried her face in the cushion beneath her and _exploded_ with laughter. It flowed out of her in long waves, her whole body racked with the barely suppressed screeches.

She laughed and laughed and laughed, and she was certainly everyone was looking at her now but she couldn't help it. She was completely gone. Tears _streamed_ down her face and her stomach ached with how hard she laughed, sometimes her sound disappearing all together because she couldn't draw breath enough to make it. And when she could drag air through her lungs she _howled_.

Ben stepped over her and wrapped his arms around her middle, hauling her to her feet where he took her hand and practically dragged her out of the room, snagging their shoes on the way and saying behind him with barely concealed chuckles of his own, "Um, so sorry, we gotta go. See you all next week."

Something in Rey had been unhinged, and uncontrollable peals of laughter cascaded out of her all the way down the hall and out of the building. When they finally got to the car, Ben's little huffs of suppressed amusement got the better of him and he laughed too.

"What —" Rey wheezed. "What the hell — was that?"

Ben shook his head. "Best I can guess is we actually stumbled into an interpretive theater group contemplating the subject of livestock breeding."

That set her off again and she sank down right there on the asphalt next to the car, holding herself together against the audible gush of delight. Her abs, her lungs, everything was on fire but she couldn't stop seeing all those rocking asses and hearing all those women trying to make the sounds of bull elk deep in rut.

Ben sat down next to her. He wasn't one to fall into fits of laughter like this, but he did now, whether pulled their by her own or whether he thought the whole thing as absurd as she did, she didn't know.

After what felt like an eternity, Rey finally gulped back her giggles and regained some sense of control, wiping her hands with her eyes.

"Congratulations," he said, tipping his head back against the car. "None of those women are going to be able to labor in that position without hearing your hyena sounds echoing through their heads."

"God," Rey sighed happily, completely exhausted. "That was…"

"Something else."

"To put it mildly."

A couple quiet minutes of recovery later and they saw the door to the center open again. The other couples were starting to file out.

"Shit," said Rey, struggling to rock her awkward body onto her feet. Sometimes she felt like a beetle stuck on its back, her limbs scrabbling around a new center of gravity she didn't understand.

Ben pulled her up and they both got in the car as quickly as possible, driving off into the night.

"Are we going back next week?" Rey asked him. Really good, hard laughter like that always left her with a warm glow for a while after. She felt it still, her smile lingering, her stomach muscles aching. Within her, the baby stretched.

"I think it's only fair that we give them another chance to offer some useful advice. The stages of labor part was enlightening, don't you think?"

"I'll be forever trying to scrub that cervical dilation board out of my head." She shuddered. "But yeah, we probably should give them another shot."

He grinned, nodded, and pulled in to a drive through fast food place. At the speaker box he rolled down the window and ordered mozzarella sticks and a mint chocolate shake.

They gave him the total and he pulled around to the window to pay.

"How did you know I was craving _exactly_ that order?" she asked, eyes wide and marveling.

He smirked. "You act like I don't know you, Johnson."

" _I_ don't even know me right now." She shook her head. "I'm hijacked."

He gave her belly a little pat. "Broccoli and I know what you need. We have an understanding."

"Broccoli!" she winced. "That's the worst one yet, I think."

"I don't know, I think Lettuce was worse."

"You know, if we could actually pick a name, we wouldn't need to call her by whatever cruciferous vegetable she currently matches in size."

"Cruciferous vegetables are perfectly appropriate right now, given what she's doing to your digestive system," he remarked.

Rey gaped at him. "Ben Solo are you saying I'm _gassy_?"

"Don't get offended," he laughed. "I read that it's normal. And I'm a guy, Rey, I think all farts are funny. Your nightly fog horn sounds might be my favorite symptom yet."

He thanked the drive-thru attendant as she handed over Rey's food. She still glared at him, but honestly, the levels of shame she'd had to overcome during the course of this pregnancy — a little gas was the least of her worries. And as Ben dropped the milkshake into the cupholder and gave her the bag with the mozzarella sticks, she decided she couldn't really be that offended. Not with a peace offering like this.

"You know," he said, rolling up his window as they drove off, "they asked us about names in that support partner class."

"Don't tell me." She opened up the bag, her mouth already watering at the greasy, fried smell of the cheese. "You were the only one who didn't know."

Ben chuckled. "Are we really this incompetent at the parenting thing?"

"It's starting to look like it." She bit into one stick, molten cheese bursting into her mouth in a spill of fiery oil — way too hot, but delicious anyway. Her eyes rolled and a soft, sensual moan sighed out of her.

Ben shot her a look, a smile twitching at the corner of his mouth. "Keep making sounds like that and you'll have me chasing more of them out of you as soon as we get home."

"Trust me," she said, groaning again at the second bite, "you deserve at least as much after the wonder of reading my mind."

He looked surprised. "Really?"

She shrugged. "Maybe. Let's get home and find out."

Rey didn't really know how much worse things would get in the next ten weeks, but she was beginning to feel increasingly uncomfortable, and increasingly un-sexy, despite Ben's craze over her new shape. Her sex drive, raging in heavenly overdrive for the duration of her second trimester, was starting to nosedive. She told Ben about it so he didn't feel rejected when she rebuffed his attempts, and he'd been good not to pressure her or even make any faces of disappointment. And it wasn't like it was _that_ bad. They went from several times a week to once a week. Distressed by her sudden drop in libido, Rey had googled it and found a forum where some women claimed to have not had sex at all during their entire pregnancy because they felt so terrible, or had no interest whatsoever. Others said they definitely took a hit their last trimester and barely had it once a month.

Rey wasn't _that_ disinterested, yet. She suspected it might get worse the closer to the end she got. But she wasn't sure. The advantage she had over some of the others was the newness of her relationship with Ben. Obviously they'd fucked plenty of times before, but never on a regular basis, and never with so much intimacy as they had now. So it felt new. And exciting. And it kept her reaching for it even when she was tired and her body ached and she felt like a beached whale.

But tonight, she felt like it. Because she'd laughed so hard it burned away her anxieties and self-consciousness at her lack of preparedness. And because Ben was magically attuned to her unspoken craving. And because he'd teased her before by rocking into her from behind.

"If I promise not to moo, can we do it that way?" she asked when they pulled into the driveway. Her mozzarella sticks were demolished, her milkshake halfway gone.

A surprise bark of laughter escaped him. "Great, now that's what I'm going to be thinking about. I don't know. What about you? Do you think you can handle it?"

"Yes," she said stubbornly.

No. The answer was no.

Rey could not handle it.

Even after he'd spent a gloriously long time snacking on her and getting her desperately riled up, as soon as she got onto her hands and knees and he started to work his way in, the images of the birthing center came roaring back and she laughed. And then she couldn't stop. And then _he_ couldn't stop, and they fell together onto the bed and held each other in desperate laughter until the fit subsided. He'd gone soft in the meantime, but it didn't matter.

"Okay," she conceded, grinning as she maneuvered between his legs to lick him back up to full mast. "We won't be able to use that position for a little while."

His dark eyes sparkled with so much affection and adoration she almost abandoned her task to climb up his chest and kiss him. But she waited until he was good and ready. Then she mouthed her way up his massive, solid body and speared herself on him, eliciting a soft, genuine cry from her and a full-body shudder from him. She couldn't really get to his mouth after that — she couldn't bend down that far anymore with the hard ball of body between them, but she could wait a little longer. He played with her tits and slotted his fingers through hers when she reached out for support. Braced against him like that, she rode him hard until they both saw stars.

And then, after, when he pulled her in to cuddle up next to him, then she did kiss him. And just before she fell asleep, she had an odd thought. She felt bad for Penny, because for as supportive as her mother and sister and grandmother could be, it couldn't compare at all to this.

* * *

THIRTY ONE WEEKS — COCONUT

The next week didn't go any better than the first.

Everyone regarded Rey and Ben warily when they came in and sat down. Rey ignored them, determined and ready to get something useful out of this class.

For the first hour, Katie talked about the miracle of the placenta, and all the things that one could do with it after birth. She'd brought visual aids again, and passed around framed artwork — one, she said, was her own. She'd taken her placenta home, dried it out, dipped it in paint, and made what she considered to be this beautiful masterpiece. Rey happened to be holding that frame when Katie announced it was her own, and she almost dropped it right there. Luckily Ben caught it as it was slipping from her fingers. He quickly and unceremoniously passed it along without giving it a second glance.

Katie also told them about how the placenta could be encapsulated and ingested in pill form, to help with Postpartum Depression, she said. Or, if pills weren't ideal, she passed around leaflets of placenta _recipes_.

Ben started to gag at that and had to excuse himself for a minute to recover. Rey wondered vaguely if the goal of this class was to remind her of the misery of her first trimester nausea. She too felt like she was about to throw up again.

When Ben came back, Rey had to pat him sympathetically because they were _not_ done talking about the placenta. Katie showed them placenta earrings, necklaces with tiny shrunken placenta bits trapped in resin, a dried and shaped placenta resembling a _teddy_ _bear_ , and a powder intended for facials.

Rey's disgust turned to hilarity again and to prevent another laughing fit she had to grit her teeth and think about the architecture firm she was writing web copy for, and _not_ the idea of women blissfully rubbing powdered placenta all over their faces.

Finally, mercifully, Katie pivoted to a new topic. And somehow, it was so much worse.

Katie dimmed the already dim lights and put on a video graphically depicting three different women giving birth. One in the water, one on her back, and one squatting. All of them were in a home-setting. All of them were set to cheesy flute music meant to induce some kind of peaceful feeling, but all Rey could feel was mounting horror.

It could have been worse. None of the women wailed or raged or acted like their bodies were being split open. But it _looked_ like their bodies were splitting open. Every time the camera zoomed in between her legs Rey wanted to let out a full-body scream. Because that did _not look normal_ and no matter how the women puffed and breathed and pretended to be at bliss, Rey didn't believe they weren't actively trying to leave their bodies and ascend.

Every time a baby came sloshing into the world like some kind of giant, slippery, bloody turd, everybody in the room cooed and made soft noises of approval. Rey buried her face in her hands and shuddered.

Katie went on and on about the _miracle_ of life-giving. But that looked like a goddamn nightmare.

After the videos, Katie said that next week, they'd learn about inducing labor naturally through fun methods like nipple stimulation, eating spicy foods, and semen retention. They would also watch a video of a woman who gave birth in a wild stream behind her house.

By the time the class ended, Rey didn't know whether she wanted to laugh or cry. It ended up being the latter. She held it together until they left the parking lot, and then Ben pulled over because he knew there was something wrong. She'd not said a word, even when he'd asked a few quiet questions.

When he turned towards her, she burst into tears. Alarmed, he pulled her into his chest and held her tight.

"I can't do it," she sobbed into his shirt. "There's no way I can do that. What am I going to do?"

"I don't know," he said softly after a minute of listening to her cry. "But I'll tell you what we're _not_ going to do."

She lifted her head to peek at him.

He looked angry.

"We're not going back to that idiotic class."

She sniffled. "We're not?"

"Fuck no. What did you learn tonight? Can you point to one thing that you learned?"

Rey had to think. "You can do a lot of stuff with the placenta that I didn't know about."

"One _useful_ thing, I meant."

She couldn't, really. Not even the videos were enlightening. She'd already known it was going to be bad. _Seeing_ it didn't help at all.

"Is there something wrong with me that everybody thought it was so amazing when the babies finally came out, and all I felt was disgust?" she asked softly.

"No," Ben said, his voice firm. "Or if there is, there's something wrong with me too. And that's what I mean. This class isn't helping us, and it's scaring you. So we're done."

She pulled out of his embrace, wiping her eyes, a little embarrassed at how badly she'd fallen apart. "But then what will we do?"

"Let me handle it," he said gently. "I'll find something that suits _us_. That? That wasn't _us_. Those people were eating it up—" Rey groaned, the placenta recipes unwillingly springing to mind — "but clearly we aren't those kinds of people. So let me look into it, and I'll find our people."

Something in her chest eased, some tightness releasing. She nodded. "Okay."

What Ben worked out instead ended up being much better. He arranged a tour of the best ranked hospital for Labor and Delivery near them. They were with three other couples, all of the same mindset of being perfectly comfortable with medical assistance. The woman who conducted their tour was a certified nurse midwife. She was wonderfully informative, showing them the delivery rooms, teaching them how to check in when they arrived, walking them through the whole process.

"We have birthing suites here set up to mimic a home environment for those looking for an alternative experience," she explained. "This is ideal for those who want the experience of a home-birth but may be in a higher risk category where they'll want to be near medical intervention if something goes wrong. For those, we have queen sized beds so that your partner can be with you."

The CNW smiled happily and led them on to the maternity ward where they'd spend the next few days recovering, if they chose it. She talked about the nurses and the kind of support they provided, education from diapering and swaddling to car seat safety and postpartum care. They had a lactation consultant on site too, for those hoping to learn to breastfeed. When another of the women asked what kinds of things they should bring to the hospital, Rey felt completely reassured that she wasn't the only one who didn't have a dissertation of birth plans written out. And the CNW gave some helpful suggestions:

"Labor can be long and, sometimes, surprisingly boring. Bring a book or a game — some people like to bring laptops so they can watch movies. Comfortable, loose-fitting clothes for after. Socks — a lot of women don't think about socks, but your feet can get very cold here. We'll provide you with all the hygienic supplies like pads and underwear, but if you really prefer to use your own you can bring that. We'll also provide you with plenty of aftercare supplies like witch hazel pads and cooling perineum sprays, so don't worry about that."

Leaving the hospital, Rey felt a hundred times more confident about what to expect. Still nervous, but at least everything wasn't quite so unknown as before.

Afterwards, Ben whisked her off to his parent's house. He didn't explain much on the way, but Rey didn't feel the need to pepper him with questions either. The hospital had buoyed her spirits a great deal.

His mother was waiting for them with a big smile and warm hugs. She took them into one of the sitting rooms where they had a TV and they all three sat together on a couch.

Han came in a minute after they got there. He looked surprised.

"Didn't realize we were having company today," he said, though he didn't sound all that unhappy about it.

Leia made an exasperated sound. "I told you about this a couple days ago. We're having an impromptu birth class."

"The fuck we are," Han said, his eyes widening. "I told you I wasn't gonna do that."

"And I told you that you didn't have a choice, nerfherder, so sit down."

"Leia, it's been thirty fucking years since we did this. And we only did it _one_ time. We don't have any right to teach these kids anything about the process! We don't even know how they _get_ babies out these days."

"It can't be _that_ different. Babies still come out of the same place, last I checked." Leia glared at him. "Sit down, Han. We're going to help them the best way we can."

With another long string of expletives, Han sat in an armchair.

Rey glanced at Ben inquisitively. He shrugged at her. "They're the best resource I have."

Leia put on a video. Rey braced herself for more visual horror, but this one wasn't so bad. No horror-inducing vaginal shots this time. It talked about coping with contractions and laboring at home, how to know when it's time to go to the hospital, good breathing techniques that did not include any mooing.

Han grumbled his whole way through it. Visibly wincing when they discussed, but did not show, the epidural procedure. He pointed at Ben. "Don't watch that shit when it happens. Trust me, you don't want to see."

"Your father passed out," Leia said with amusement.

"You didn't see the size of the needle!" he protested with wide eyes. "It was behind you!"

"You didn't have that needle threaded into your spine," she said coolly. Then, glancing at Rey, she smiled and patted her knee. "Don't worry, it actually looks much worse than it feels. You'll be fine. They like to do it when your contractions are strong. Trust me, that's much worse than whatever they're doing back there. It's a good strategy."

Rey smiled a nervous smile. She _did_ still feel a flicker of fear at all of this, but the familiarity of Ben's parents talking about it made it seem much less…mysterious. Less unknowable.

The video went on to talk about proper pushing technique. Han still wore a grimace the whole time. When they talked about cleaning, measuring, and weighing the baby, he lit up again. They were showing a newborn boy on the screen lying on a scale under a head lamp while the nurse checked his weight.

"Hey! Here's something I can tell you, something I do remember — see the size of that kid's balls? Huge, right? Ben's too. I thought, _holy smokes, this kid is barely a minute old and he already has the biggest ball-to-prick ratio I've ever seen_. But it's a trick. Those little grapes shriveled up to normal size later after all his mother's estrogen left his system."

Ben's cheeks pinked, and Rey laughed. Leia reached over and smacked him. "Don't talk about your grown son's balls."

"What? She doesn't care." He motioned towards Rey. "She's seen 'em. Not like there's some mystery over how they turned out."

"Dad," Ben said with a wince.

"Must've functioned the right way after all that size changing because we got the evidence of it right there," Han pointed at Rey's bump.

Leia leaned towards him again, he dodged her next harmless smack. "Stop, you womp rat, Ben doesn't want you talking about his balls!"

"I thought we were sharing information!"

"How is that going to help them? This baby won't have enlarged balls when she emerges."

"Oh." Han's face blanked. "I keep forgetting. Well then why the hell am I here? I don't know anything about girl babies."

"Maybe they have questions you _could_ answer," Leia said tersely.

"I don't think I'll have anymore questions for the rest of my life," Ben grumbled.

"Wait a minute," said Han, motioning at the screen. "Oh fuck, I remember those. The goddamn unsexiest underwear on the planet."

"They're not meant to be sexy," Leia retorted.

The video was showing the lower half of a woman's body sporting wide mesh underwear loaded up with the biggest pad Rey had ever seen in her life.

"Looks like your eyes are gonna pop out of your head, kiddo," Han chuckled. "Don't worry, it isn't forever. It'll be in Ben's head forever, but there's a lot about what'll happen there that will be in his head permanently."

"Han," Leia sighed.

He lifted his hands innocently. "What? You think I don't remember what you looked like down there? Fucking war zone. Carnage — carnage as far as the eye could see."

"Dad!" Ben growled, sounding as exasperated as his mother.

But Han's gruffness had the opposite effect of those birthing class videos. Rey laughed, and the lingering feelings of fear began to dull and ebb.

"Don't worry, son," Han said, waving dismissively at him. "You're just an animal like the rest of us. You'll still be able to get it up after witnessing all that. This won't kill your sex drive forever. Probably not even for a day, honestly."

"For heaven's sake, Han, stop talking about this poor boy's sex life," Leia cried, getting to her feet.

"Simmer down," he told her, returning his attention to the TV. "He's doing fine. Nothing poor about it. Look, now we get to baby stuff. See, Ben? We didn't do too bad with that swaddling thing."

"We weren't working with arms or legs either, though," Ben sighed.

Leia wandered off and came back with a plate of fruit she set on the table. Rey plucked at a bundle of grapes, watching with mild curiosity as the video showed a pair of hands efficiently swaddling a tiny sleeping newborn. This one _did_ look kind of cute, she had to admit, with a tiny hat and little mittened hands, not slimy or purple or bloody like the birthing center videos.

"Oh," Leia said in soft admiration. "I can't wait to hold our itty bitty lady."

"You're not gonna try to be in the room with them, are you?" Han gave her an arched look.

"No." Leia frowned. She glanced at Rey and Ben, hurrying to reassure them. "Unless you want that. But I remember when I was in your position, I only wanted Han there. No one else."

Rey nodded wordlessly. She hadn't really thought about that before. About whether or not Leia would want to…be in the room. She was grateful for the older woman's understanding, because no, Rey didn't want anyone else to see _carnage everywhere._

The video went on to explain checkout procedures in the hospital. They showed a new father filling out the application for a birth certificate. He happily scribbled his wife's full name and his own. It cut to an image of a new (fake) birth certificate arriving in the mail a few weeks later.

Here, Rey shifted uncomfortably.

Ben glanced at her. "Everything okay?"

She wasn't sure. A feeling of unease had gone through her, but she didn't know why.

"Is it because we still don't have a name?" Ben guessed. "Because we will. I promise she's not going to go through this life without one."

"I know," she said quickly, because it wasn't that. "I…I'm fine. Honestly, I can't even explain it."

"Is she making you uncomfortable?" he asked, running a huge hand over her swell.

She shook her head.

Leia paused the video. It stilled on the image of the birth certificate. She turned towards Rey.

"Is it emotional distress or physical?" she asked gently.

Rey frowned at the screen. "It's that, I think."

They all looked. None understood.

This was…maybe a little too personal to talk about in front of Han and Leia. She swallowed and shook her head. "It's fine. It's okay. I figured it out. Can we move on?"

Han cocked his head to the side. "It's the name thing, isn't it?"

Rey met his gaze, and knew that he knew. She sucked in a sharp breath.

Ben frowned. "She said it wasn't?"

Leia waved at him to be quiet. She was watching Han and Rey intently, like someone observing a scientific breakthrough about to unfold.

Han's mouth quirked in a crooked grin. "You feel like that certificate will prove you still don't belong to a family."

Rey drew herself in, an unconscious shielding motion. She looked at the screen again. Everybody on that fake certificate for baby John Doe shared the same fake last name of _Doe_. So would this baby and Ben. Ben and his daughter. But not her. Like she wasn't really part of it.

Even though she _knew_ it wasn't true, a dark, ugly voice inside her whispered that it was because she didn't deserve it. Still. After all this time. After all this beautiful summer. She was still only Rey and would always be only Rey and nothing, no amount of love from Ben or the addition of a daughter, would ever change that.

"There's an easy solution," Han said helpfully.

She held her breath.

"You could just get married," he said with a grin. "That's what worked for me. Made me a proper family man."

Ben's whole body reacted, his spine stiffening as he shot forward, his hand flying to the arm of the couch, gripping it tight.

"What?" he demanded.

Han shot him a dirty look. "Look at this poor kid, Ben. She's still running scared in the streets — in her head, I mean. No one to care about her. Hungry for a family. Why are you holding out on her?"

"What?" Ben cried again, getting to his feet. "I'm not—"

"You know," Leia said thoughtfully. Rey glanced at her. The woman's face was a careful mask of neutrality, but Rey thought she spied some ulterior motive there. "It probably _would_ be advantageous, from a logistical standpoint. You could get on Ben's insurance. Be double-covered. Then you'd have very few bills at all."

"Doesn't she have a little less than three months left, though?" Han said to his wife. "Is that enough time to pull a wedding together and still leave her with time to get her name changed and all that legal jazz?"

"It's not ideal," admitted Leia. "But I'm sure we could throw something nice together. We could use the south lawn here — that would be beautiful this time of year. So no need to schedule a venue—"

"Stop," Ben told them fiercely.

"What about her baby shower?" Han motioned at Rey. "Won't this interfere?"

"Hmm...that's a good point. Definitely could be some conflict. I'd have to think about that."

"Hey, there's the house thing, too" Han said with dawning realization. "You guys could get the house together as a married couple, in your family name. Makes things simpler with financing and all that. If we could get it pulled together in time, of course."

"Stop it, _stop it_ ," Ben snarled. And he looked like a caged animal pacing restlessly inside his enclosure. "This isn't a group discussion here. I'm not having this conversation with _you two_."

Leia stood up and went to him, hands on his shoulders. She was so _tiny_ compared to him. Her son looked like he could crush her, except his face held none of that violence, even in all his obvious anger.

"Calm down, Ben, we'll stop talking about it."

"What the fuck is wrong with you both?"

"Don't talk to your mother that way," Han growled from his chair, but didn't bother getting up.

Leia waved dismissively at him. To Ben, she said more gently, "We just got carried away. It's done. I told you before and I'll tell you now, I don't care if you two want to be married or not. It's your choice. Do you want to sit down so we can finish?"

"No."

She sighed. "Okay, then. Are you still coming tomorrow for Sunday dinner?"

He threw an angry glance over her head to his father, and then back at her. "Not if this is how the conversation will go."

"It won't, we promise," Leia said soothingly. "Nobody will talk about marriage, okay?"

"Jesus, sport, I didn't realize you were so against the idea," Han muttered.

Rey didn't either.

She felt a little sick. She put the grapes back on the tray and drew a soft, unsteady breath.

Ben glanced at her. His angry expression faltered and then fell. His gaze found the floor, jaw rolling, and Rey couldn't even begin to guess what thoughts preoccupied him now. She struggled and got to her feet, going to him. Leia stepped aside and Rey took his hand. She glanced at Leia.

"Thank you so much for doing this. Believe it or not it was…really helpful, actually. I feel better about a lot of things."

Leia smiled and nodded. "Well, sorry it ended like this, but I'm glad. It was kind of fun. Sorry Han is an asshat."

"I am not!" Han protested from his chair where he sat with a large piece of watermelon in hand.

"No, he was fine." Rey assured her with a crooked grin. "Really. I had fun. But I think…I think we should probably go. I'll text you about tomorrow."

Leia nodded, walking them to the front door. She gave each a hug. Ben performed the ritual automatically, but Rey saw no sincerity or warmth in it. Leia gave her a rueful smile as they walked out the door.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry about the abrupt shift in mood here at the end, and the wee cliffhanger! Next chapter up soon. Won't say when since I seem to be missing all my deadlines lately *hides in shame* But hopefully in a few days.


	16. I Get To Love You

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> One nervous boi.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Remember the demise of my 'r' key? Now the 'i' has jumped ship too. RIP, little i.

  
**CHAPTER SIXTEEN**

**I Get To Love You**

****

* * *

THIRTY ONE WEEKS — Coconut (continued)

Ben couldn't get out of there fast enough.

He managed to avoid the squealing tires of hastily peeling out of the driveway, but just barely. He accelerated too abruptly, drove too quickly, took the winding turns away from his parent's house too sharply. He didn't even realize how roughly he was driving until, out of the corner of his eye, he saw Rey surreptitiously grab at the door to stabilize herself. He immediately eased off the gas, cringing at himself.

"Sorry," he mumbled.

She glanced at him. He could feel it, but didn't turn to look.

"It's okay," she said softly. "I know you're upset."

Upset. That was putting it mildly.

"It's...that doesn't matter. I shouldn't scare you," he managed to sigh, even though his whole body still felt tense, and when he closed his mouth, his teeth still ground together.

Rey didn't say anything to that.

Ben knew they should probably talk. He needed to do damage control. More importantly, he needed to know what thoughts were rattling around inside her head, because that's where the true danger lurked. But he couldn't approach that right now. He needed to calm down first. Maybe he was experiencing a major overreaction to a mild irritant, but it's just that everything had been going so _well_ , so much better than he ever imagined, and then, like a nightmare, he'd watched that good day catch fire right before his eyes.

And he still didn't even really understand how it happened.

The hospital tour had been, from his perspective, a relative success. He appreciated the abundance of practical information they got there, but even more than that, he appreciated how reassured Rey seemed by all of it. She emerged calmer, more confident. Completely the opposite of how she acted after the last session of that inane birthing class. And Ben felt better, because he knew he'd be pretty much helpless to do anything for her when showtime happened, so if he could make it the least bit less terrifying now, he considered it his responsibility to do so. It seemed to work. She was almost her old self again after.

And then at his parents house, that went well at first too. His mother was helpful and accommodating. The birthing video didn't show any of the kind of images which he knew scared her. They scared him too, though he thought it wouldn't help her to admit it. He wasn't the one who'd have to go through it. He'd just have to watch. God, those birthing class videos had made him feel like he'd committed some atrocious evil, condemning her to _that_ for his sake. Just so that seven months ago, he could indulge in a more satisfying ejaculation. What a cost for five seconds of bliss.

But the one at his parent's house hadn't made him feel so guilty. And he'd seen its effect on Rey. He watched how she relaxed. How she'd laughed. How she actually seemed to enjoy talking about birth for the first time, because Ben's father couldn't _shut up_ , and for whatever reason, Rey loved that.

They had a weird thing, Ben decided. Rey and his father. A kind of camaraderie neither Ben nor his mother could quite get a handle on. It was as if the pair had already known each other for a long time, and were completely comfortable together. It was good, of course — Ben was glad that she found it easy to get along with the man he himself found so exasperating — but sometimes, he got a little...mystified. Like the space for Rey had been carved into his family long, long ago and had been there all along. Like Han knew it, too, the way he just accepted her as his daughter. As his favorite daughter, in fact.

But that inexplicable bond worked against Ben this time. Somehow, everything went sideways. Rey got bothered by... _something_ , and Ben didn't even have a chance to unriddle it before his father had clued in and suddenly launched into talk about _marriage_ , of all things. And then his parents ran wild planning everything, and Ben watched in horror as everything spiraled out of control, and he panicked.

Because Rey didn't want that.

He knew she didn't. She'd said as much multiple times before.

Ben knew she was happy with the way things were now. They'd had the best summer of their lives — Ben knew it was true for himself, and the way she'd laughed so easily, the way she'd grinned her sunshine grins, the way she'd positively jumped his bones every chance she got, he knew it was true for her too. So he told himself he could be content with this, what they had right now, for the rest of his life. He told himself he would never pressure her into giving him more, when she'd already given so much. He was happy. Life was good.

And his parents were going to fucking _ruin it_.

"Kinda going a little fast again there, Senna," said Rey.

Ben blinked, checked the speedometer, winced and eased off yet again. He sighed, scrubbing the stress out of his forehead with one hand. "Shit, sorry, I'm sorry."

She let go of the door handle, adjusting her seatbelt. "Do you want to talk about it yet?"

Her voice was...small. And quiet. And something in it made Ben's breath catch unpleasantly. He risked a glance at her, sitting there with a nervous, vulnerable look on her face. Those little puckers of tension above her brows, her normally wide mouth made small and thin. Fuck. He hated to see her like that, because it always, always accompanied a sense of insecurity which she did not deserve to feel.

"I guess we should," he said slowly, even though he did _not_ want to talk about it yet. Not at all. He didn't know if he could stomach hearing her say what he knew she'd inevitably say about it.

But if it would soothe that look off her face, he'd talk. He'd agree to anything. He'd throw himself into an active volcano if he thought it would make her happy.

She exhaled softly. "Right now?"

No. Not here. If they had to do this, he wanted it to be where he could touch her, could hold her, if he needed. "If I promise to watch my speed carefully, can we just put it off until we get home?"

"Yeah," she said, mustering a little smile. Then, apparently making a valiant effort to rally, she turned that smile into a soft laugh. "You know, before it all went to shit, I was having a really nice time."

"Yeah?" He tried to take some measure of comfort from this.

With another glance, he saw the smile grow, become more genuine. "Seeing how they got through it, that they can laugh about it now, it made it seem a lot less scary. I'm not terrified anymore. So thank you. In one day, you managed to do what I think six weeks of that other class couldn't have accomplished."

God, he loved her. How did she do that? With just a few words, much of the tension ratcheted up in every one of his muscles dissolved. Even in the midst of his disproportionate crisis, he felt a swoop of pride. Of satisfaction. He could take care of her. He knew what she needed. He wasn't screwing this all up. So maybe, if he could get this situation under control and reassure her that his parents' bewilderingly sudden enthusiasm for marriage didn't mean she had to go along with it, if he could make her feel safe and unthreatened again, maybe everything would be fine.

"Good," he said a little brokenly. "I'm...glad. We got this. I've got you. You're — you'e going to be okay."

Her hand slid over his arm. He darted a glance at her again. She tugged his one hand off the steering wheel, lacing their fingers together.

"Yeah," she said softly. "Everything will be fine."

Ben had a feeling they weren't just talking about her delivery now. He let himself breathe easier again, her touch and words a soothing balm. Maybe Rey didn't really care that much about his parents going off, planning a wedding she didn't want. Maybe she could just shrug it off.

"My parents..." he ventured cautiously, testing the water, "they mean well."

"I think they do, yes." Her voice was still soft. She turned to look out the window, keeping a firm grasp on his hand.

The rest of the drive was quiet. Ben turned on the radio, focusing on the music so he didn't start to climb the wall of tension again. He kept up a steady mantra in his head, comforting himself. _She's not going to run because of meddlesome parents. I'll make her feel safe. I'll let her know that she belongs._

* * *

Back at home, Rey went directly to the kitchen for a snack. Ben kicked off his shoes and collapsed face-down on the couch. It was too short for him, really, so he propped his feet up on the arm rest. He turned his face, staring out at his bookshelf and listened to her rummaging around. The scene at his parent's house ran through his head again. Insurance. Buying a home. The south lawn. How convenient.

He closed his eyes. Based on her sounds, he guessed Rey was making a sandwich. Probably a Nutella-and-raspberry-jam sandwich, according to her recent preferences. She'd made Ben try it once. He didn't care for chocolate as much as she did, so he didn't find the exquisite joy she declared it had, but it wasn't terrible. It reminded him of one of those artisan ice creams they'd tried a few weeks ago. It did have an obscene amount of sugar, but Ben knew better than to try to suggest something healthier.

He sighed. It really had been a great summer so far. No reason to think one silly scene from his overeager parents would disrupt this pleasant dynamic. She'd spent a week with them at the lake. She saw how they could be. No need to panic.

Ben decided that what he was experiencing now was _definitely_ an overreaction. A gift from his Skywalker heritage. His grandfather, Luke, and Ben, they all had a penchant for spiraling quickly when caught off guard by something unpleasant. He just needed to get a hold of himself.

Rey came over to the arm chair and sat down, propping her feet up on the coffee table. She balanced her plate on her belly like a table. Ben smirked a little at the sight.

"Sorry your dad kept talking about your balls, by the way," she said, snickering as she took a bite of her sandwich. Ben could smell the hazelnut from here. Definitely Nutella.

"You were thinking about...that?" He shot her a cheeky look.

"Oh, I'm always thinking about your balls, big man," she teased.

He huffed a chuckle, rolling up to a sit where he tipped his head back against the back of the couch. "Honestly, he's probably just jealous because his are so old and saggy they float to the top the water when he takes a bath."

That surprised a laugh out of her, and she had to grab her plate to steady it again. "Ben! That's quite a thing to say about your own father!"

He grinned. "I mean, I'm probably not wrong."

She hummed around another bite. "He had a lot to say for someone who doesn't remember what happened thirty years ago."

"I don't know how useful any of it was," Ben sighed, "he talks a lot of shit."

"Oh, it was plenty useful." She grinned. "I imagine there will be plenty of moments, when it happens, when I'll remember your parents and laugh."

He made an exaggerated grimace. "Wonderful. So even if they're not in the room with us, they'll be in the room with us."

Even though he was joking, Ben really didn't want anyone there who didn't have to be. He sensed already that it was gong to be a defining moment in his life and hers. Nobody else _deserved_ to be part of that. It was Rey's catabasis into the valley of the shadow, and Ben's watch to keep. He was grateful, at least, that his mother understood that much. He thought she understood the marriage thing too, which is why the whole discussion blindsided him. He frowned again at the memory.

Watching him carefully, Rey said with a great deal of awareness, "Uh-oh, your mood turned again."

He glanced up at her, surprised to see her sandwich mostly gone. Sometimes it still astonished him how quickly she could eat, even after all this time. He sighed again. "Sorry. I guess I'm still a little bothered."

"More than a little," she observed, standing to take her plate back to the kitchen. When she returned, she sat down next to him. "I think maybe you don't want to talk about it, so we don't have to. If you'd rather we just put on a movie or you need to go work out to get through it, I get it. We can pretend that...argument...never happened."

A generous exit. He could take her up on it and put the whole thing behind them. But there was tomorrow's dinner to consider, and it would keep lurking there like an elephant in the room. Maybe she'd prefer that, so she didn't have to tell him again that she didn't want the whole marriage gig. And since he wasn't eager to hear her say that, it probably was the safest course of action. To forget it. To move on.

But Ben didn't think he should do that. She'd had that look on her face in the car. The look that told him she was feeling unsafe. He couldn't let this night fade away with her still feeling like that.

"No," he said, steeling himself against the discomfort this conversation would surely bring. "We should, I think. I need you to tell me about the birth certificate thing. Because I don't think I understand what happened there. You were experiencing something. What was it?"

"Oh," she shifted, leaning against the back of the couch so she was facing him. "We were supposed to talk about your reaction, not mine."

"We'll get there, but I need to figure out how any of it got started. And best I can tell, it started with you getting uncomfortable about something."

Rey took a deep breath, her gaze drifting away from him, the tension returning to her brow. "It's so stupid, Ben. Really. It doesn't matter."

"If it means something to you, then it matters."

She sighed. "I don't want you to read into it. I know you, and I know you will. I'll tell you, and you'll want to fix it, and then I'll feel like I trapped you into something you definitely didn't want to do."

"How do you know I don't want to do it? If it makes you feel better, trust me, I want to."

"Not this. You were very clear about how you feel back there."

"Very clear? How? It wasn't clear to me. The only thing I expressed back there was anger at my parents for overstepping. But this? I don't know how I feel about what you won't tell me." He didn't want to get frustrated, but he could feel it there, flickering at the edges. He _did_ want to fix it, because anything that bothered her was personally offensive to him. He knew he couldn't remove all thorns from her life, and maybe it wasn't totally healthy to even want to try, but right now he didn't care. Something pricked her, somehow it made his dad launch into marriage talk, and now she felt unsafe. He _had_ to fix it.

She regarded him warily. Like she wasn't sure if he was about to combust. Ben took a deep breath and spoke more gently now. "My father said something about names. But you'd just told me ten seconds before that it didn't have to do with our lack of name."

"Not hers," she said, motioning vaguely at her roundness. "Mine."

He frowned, confused. "You have a name."

"Right." Her cheeks puffed and she released the air in a slow, reluctant breath. "It's really not important, okay? It's just…hormones. I can't control the way I feel. You know that."

He nodded, but didn't say anything. That was too dangerous to get into. Rey wasn't wildly emotional, but then, her baseline before pregnancy was already lower than a lot of people's. She held things in. So now, when she operated on what Ben considered a normal level of emotion, she felt out of control. He didn't want to affirm or deny her own perception of herself and thereby make her angry.

"So…" She hesitated again. "Seeing that birth certificate with everyone's name on it in that silly video did something to me. Last names don't matter, I _know_ they don't matter, but suddenly I felt like…you and the baby, you'll share one, and there I'll be…like some random woman." Ben opened his mouth to protest, but she held up a hand and forged on. "And I know that's not really how it'll be, and last names do _not_ define a family. So like I said, it's stupid, and it's probably hormones. You've said that we would be a family, and I think we kind of are, or we will be, and you have no idea how badly I want that. How I…I _need_ to be part of it. So it doesn't matter what your dad said. I'm already happy with what we have and I didn't mean for your parents to start pressuring you. I don't think I realized how strongly you felt about not getting married, or else I would have shut your dad down right away. I'm sorry."

Ben's blood had turned to ice with his dawning horror as he realized what she was saying. That's why his dad said the thing about Ben holding out on her. And he'd — oh, he'd fucked up. He'd fucked up horribly. There she was, trying to reconcile her feelings of knowing her name didn't matter but feeling as if it mattered very much, and his father had spotted it, and then Ben had to — lose his mind — and now — oh god, what did she think he thought?

"Shit," he whispered, his voice gone hoarse. "I don't—"

"Ben," she said quickly, her hazel eyes widening, "It's okay. Honestly. I'm so happy, I don't need anything more, I don't want you be obligated—"

"Stop." He stood up. "You've got it all wrong, Rey. I'm not _obligated._ Shit. No. That's…that's the opposite of how I feel."

Her words died on her lips, and she closed her mouth, brow puckering again as she tried to understand.

Ben paced around, restless once more. "I've — The reason I freaked out was because I didn't want my fucking _parents_ to propose to you for me, which is where I saw all that nonsense headed, and it terrified me—"

She got to her feet in a rush, catching him in his stride, her hands finding his forearms, looking up at him with that concerned look. "Ben, it's okay. It's okay." She reached up to brush the hair away from his forehead in an unconscious, soothing gesture. "Forget it. It's nothing. I don't expect anything from you. Remember? You asked way back when I told you I was pregnant if I wanted you to marry me, and I said no. You don't have to be terrified."

He caught her hand before she could lower it again, pressing a kiss into her palm. "I'm not afraid of marriage, Rey. I — I want it, you have no idea how much, and I couldn't — I couldn't listen to you say—"

God, he was shaking now. Why was he shaking? His emotions heaved like a roiling sea. It was hard to talk about this with her, because he'd put it out of his mind for so long. He didn't think they'd ever need to talk about, that they'd ever really get here.

Rey's eyes were wide, but she didn't say anything.

He exhaled unsteadily. "You're right. You have said no before. They were goading you into saying it again, and I couldn't stomach it. And I was afraid that their meddling would…frighten you. Make you second guess all of this."

Fuck, what he wouldn't give to know what thoughts ran through her head now, what made her pull her hand out of his, what made her step backwards. He could feel the panic creeping back in. Dammit. He'd done what he feared doing, he'd scared her. He was fucking this up again. She'd misunderstand, and she'd think —

"No, no, sweetheart, that's not—" he began, trying to fix it, trying to make it better.

But Rey's mouth opened and he cut himself off with a gasp, needing to hear what she had to say more than he needed to reassure her. She paused, and then said in an exhale, "Second guess _you_?"

"What?" He blinked, a little thrown.

"You said you were afraid their meddling would make me second guess this. There is no _this_ without you. So what you're really saying is you were afraid I'd doubt _you_. But Ben, I don't, I couldn't. I _know_ you. You're not just some guy I'm learning to trust. I love you, and I'm in this. I'm not running. I want to be with you, on whatever terms you need. If you don't want to marry me ever, that's okay. I don't need it to be happy. I just need you."

His heart stumbled into a new, rapid beat. "But I do…I _do_ want to marry you, Rey. I've wanted that from the beginning. I thought it was you who didn't want it."

She ran her teeth over her lower lip. "I didn't think I did. Before. Feels like a lifetime ago. But that was when I was afraid of things changing. When I thought that was just what people expected because I got pregnant. Some old holdout from a more traditional time. It didn't seem like a good reason. We talked about that. But things have already changed so much, and I know that for me, what I feel for you is so much deeper than this situation we're in. I'm not afraid anymore."

Was she saying what he thought she was saying?

"So…" He had to be sure. The time for misunderstandings was over. He couldn't let half-truths and wild assumptions dictate his actions anymore. "So you _do_ want to…?"

Color bloomed in her cheeks and her eyes lowered. "Not if you don't, Ben. But if you do, then…yes. I think I do."

It was like running headfirst into a brick wall. The impact left him dazed, reeling. The whole world lurched under his feet. What had just happened? She really just said—? It was madness. It wasn't real. He'd wake up and realize this was just another fantasy carried on the wind in the soft tufts of dandelion seeds. How had they gone from strictly friends with a little indulgence on the side to this conversation, right now? He couldn't trace the steps between them, even though he'd been there for all of it.

And what kind of special brand of idiots were they, that that this whole misunderstanding came because they were each trying to protect what they thought the other wanted, when it turned out they wanted...they wanted the same thing?

Ben's mind finally caught up, and something clicked into a place. A realization. It was right now. The moment.

Fuck, fuck! This wasn't how it was supposed to go. He looked around helplessly. No way to make this more romantic. No way to make this a proper, dreamy proposal the way it should be. He could ask her to wait, to give him time to do it right. But he was afraid that this moment was some fleeting fancy, and once it was gone he'd never get it back. He couldn't wait. What he'd always wanted, the fulfillment of all his dreams, it was _right here_ , in front of his fingertips. If he let it go now…

Barely able to breathe, Ben went to her, gently pushing her back until she sat down on the couch. He dropped a quick kiss on her forehead, his voice coming out a shaky whisper. "Just give me one second, okay?"

With that, he dashed away, vaulting the stairs _three_ at a time until he was in his bedroom. He went to his mirror and raked through his hair, smoothing his shirt. No, it was hopelessly wrinkled. With trembling fingers he undid the buttons, pulling it off in haste. Rifling through his closet, he found something he knew she liked. A soft blue thing with sleeves rolled to the elbows. Once he had it on, he re-assessed in the mirror. Was it good? Good enough for her? Worthy? A noise of frustration escaped him and he turned to his dresser.

He yanked open the sock drawer, rifling through until his fingers found the soft velvet of the black ring box. His heart was pounding _so hard_ in his chest now, thundering through him with nerves and excitement and something exhilarating he couldn't name. He pulled the ring out, careful and reverent. Would she like it? It was different…not a diamond, not designer, not silver or white gold like everything these days. If she didn't, would he be okay with that?

Yes, he decided. He'd put his grandmother's ring somewhere special and get her what she wanted. Because it didn't matter what hardware she wore as long as it was something that tied her to _him_.

Tucking the ring into his fist, he ran back down the stairs, pounding down them with all the grace of a buffalo. If he could have leapt down all of them, he would have.

Rey still sat there on the couch, looking bewildered and amused and nervous and so, _so_ beautiful. A little disheveled, a little imperfect, entirely _real_. The best thing he'd ever seen. Ben felt like he couldn't breathe when he finally returned to her, and it had nothing to do with his mad dash up and down stairs. She gave him a curious look, like she wanted to ask something, but he shook his head to discourage her. He got down onto his knees in front of her, scooting in between her thighs, breath coming in soft, nervous puffs.

"This isn't at all how I imagined it would happen. How I thought I'd do this," he admitted. "I wanted it to be more…special... than just a moment in my living room after having a fight with my parents. But I can't let you go one more minute without knowing I have wanted to marry you since the night we first met. Remember? You were in that bar, surrounded by your friends, laughing like the whole world delighted you. I was conquered from that very moment. You've been a steady light in my life, Rey, guiding me home. My ridiculous, messy, funny, wild friend. I'm...I'm overwhelmed by you. All the time. I get nervous. I get awe-struck. I know what you've been through. I see how you fight against it every day, proving to yourself and everyone else that you are not disposable. I've never known anyone as strong as you. How you can manage to find so much joy when you've seen so much ugliness. You spread sunshine everywhere you go. And you deserve to feel nothing less than _wanted_ , and cherished, and adored. I want to make you feel that way. I want to show you how worthy of love you are. Over the years, I've always tried to be whatever you needed, because I wanted you to feel the way that you make me feel. Whole."

Her fingers fluttered to his jaw, grazing along the sides of his face with feather-light touches. She swallowed.

Ben ran a palm over her bump, his gaze dropping to that glorious curve, the swell that entranced him. "And I'm not sorry that everything got turned upside down. I'm not sorry we spent quarantine together, I'm not sorry that we didn't read the drug sheet. I'm not sorry that you're the only girl I've ever been so reckless with. Because now we have a — a _daughter_ on the way, and I've never been more in love with you. Every day we get to walk another step down this path together, I fall further. I would have been happy to live my whole life this way. But there's more for us, if we're willing to reach for it. So I guess I _do_ have a question for you."

The steady rise and fall of her chest stopped. Ben didn't look up to see what expression was on her face yet. He leaned in and pressed a kiss to her belly. "My tiny olive, I'm going to ask your mama if she'll be my wife. See if you can persuade her, okay?"

A soft, hitched breath caught his attention, and his gaze finally lifted to her face again. Her eyes were full of tears. Ben wanted to kiss her, to kiss away each one that now slid down her cheeks. But not yet. He opened his hand and plucked the ring out, holding it for her to see. The words Ben had dreamed of for years, words he thought he'd never get to say, suddenly tumbled out into the open, taking his whole heart with them.

"Rey, will you marry me?"

Oh yes, the dandelion seeds were in the air now. But he didn't need to be afraid, because she didn't hesitate even a second, yanking him up to her, crushing her soft, desperate lips into his, consuming him with a ferocity that stole the breath right out of his lungs.

"Yes," she gasped against him, and then kissed him again, and again.

Ben fumbled for her hands, sliding the ring on even as he returned her devouring affection, pulled into the rhythm of this kiss, his heart breaking free of his ribs and flying off somewhere else. He was pretty sure he'd never find it again.

When she finally had to pull away to catch her breath, she was laughing, and crying still. Ben wiped her tears with his thumbs, holding her face as if she were made of glass.

"What's so funny?" he rumbled, unable to stop the grin breaking over his face.

"We're so stupid," she said euphorically. "It's been right here all along. You keep saying it. We haven't been paying attention. But you've known her name this whole time."

"Her name? I have?" His brow lifted, his gaze dipping back to her lips. He leaned in to taste them once more, softer this time.

She tilted into him, a quiet, velvety sound sighing in the back of her throat. When he pulled back again, she said gently, "Olive."

A catch, a spark meeting dry tinder, a new, brilliant flame rising up inside him. He looked down at her bump. "Olive?"

 _His_ olive. The tiny little bean that made herself known at that first ultrasound.

"Yes," Rey whispered.

"Does it bother you that her name would sound like a sentence?" he asked, even though he was loathe to give her any reason to change her mind about it. He'd never loved any sound more. " _I'll live solo_?"

"I'll live," she repeated, glancing away in thought. A small smile teased at the corner of her mouth. "I can't explain it, but it feels appropriate somehow." Her hand found his face again, and her eyes were on him, and he'd never seen so much unguarded affection in them.

He leaned into her touch. "Then Olive it is."

There. Their daughter had a name. And Ben had his prize. His favorite person in the world, wearing a token of his love, promised to become his forever.

Rey's smile faded, and suddenly her eyes were full of tears again. Alarmed, pulled back. "What's wrong?"

"I never thought I'd get to be this happy," she admitted, burying her face in her hands.

That fucking _broke_ him. He scrambled up onto the couch next to her and pulled her into him, encircling her in his arms. "You do. God, you do. You deserve more, better, but for whatever reason this is what you want, and I will move heaven and earth to give you what you want."

She laughed through her tears, nuzzling into his shirt. "You idiot. There's no one better than you."

Highly debatable, but Ben felt too good to contradict her. So he just held her, and marveled. At the turn his life had taken. At her, this miraculous creature in his arms. At the way she had, against all odds, against everything he'd known about her nature, agreed to put all her trust in him, in _this._

Rey lifted her head from his chest, looking at her hand splayed over him, seeming to realize for the first time that he'd slipped the ring onto her finger. She sat back, pulling out of his grasp, holding her hand out. He caught it in his and laid it out over his palm. The warmth of the subtle rose gold looked good against her skin. He glanced up at her.

"Is it okay? I know it's kind of different."

She didn't look away from it. Her expression was difficult to read. "It's beautiful, Ben."

"It belonged to my grandmother," he said softly. "My mom's mom. I didn't know how you'd feel wearing the ring of…someone deceased. And I didn't know if you'd care for it, because it's not a diamond. But it's the best thing I own."

Her gaze snapped up to his, eyes wide, lips twitching into a smile. "Ben, honestly. How many times have we gone to antique stores together? Stuff with history, stuff that has been owned and loved before — I live for that. You know this. So I can't even tell you how much I love that it's your grandmother's. If this ring means something to you, then that makes it better than any diamond. Besides, I _love_ that it's different. It's gorgeous"

Ben could feel his face getting hot. "You're different and gorgeous too. So…I thought it suited you."

"God, Ben." She laughed breathlessly. "I can't believe Bazine ever said no to you."

"Bazine…?" Ben blinked, utterly confused. How the hell did Baz come into this conversation?

Rey looked decidedly _guilty_ all of the sudden. "Um…I should probably tell you that this isn't the first time I've seen this ring."

"It's not?"

"While you were out of town I tried to borrow some socks and I found it." She blushed and buried her hands in her lap, looking down at them. "And you mentioned once, at Poe's party when we were playing that stupid game, that you had proposed so someone before, so…I just figured you tried to give it to Bazine, and she didn't want it."

Ben's mind spun and he tried to figure out what the hell to address first. Of _course_ she'd found it while he was gone. And of _course_ she'd come to the completely wrong conclusion about it. The absurdity of her assumption struck him, and suddenly he laughed.

She frowned. "What?"

He shook his head. "Rey, I never proposed to Baz. That was the whole reason we broke up. She wanted me to marry her, I didn't. I've never taken that box out of the drawer for anyone. This ring has only ever been meant for you."

She inhaled sharply, color rising in her cheeks once more. "But what about the proposals?"

He smirked. "Can you honestly not think of any times when I've ever proposed to you before?"

Her glance darted around, searching, puzzled.

Ben helped her with a prompt. "Remember that night after we all celebrated Poe getting his architect license? And you and I went wandering off, talking about the future?"

Her eyes widened and he could practically _see_ the memory swimming there. The way the fall air swept through her hair, the crunch of leaves beneath their feet as they snuck away from their friends back at the bar, both of them just a tad tipsy.

"We found a guy living out of his van," she said softly.

He nodded. "It was all renovated inside to be this tiny little apartment. He said he drove anywhere he wanted, worked remotely, saw the country."

"And I decided I'd be a travel writer and just drive old road trip routes forever, writing about secret spots only locals love," she said, her smile starting to grow.

"I decided I'd have my own van, and go my own way. And one day, somewhere at a lonely rest stop in the middle of nowhere, our paths would cross. And that would be the sign. And I'd ask you to marry me."

"And I'd say yes," she breathed, her voice gone so soft now. "I didn't know you were really asking, Ben. I thought we were just caught up in the fantasy of that dream."

He traced around the shell of her ear, letting his fingers graze down her neck, his eyes tracking their descent over her smooth skin, pebbling under his touch. "There have been a lot of moments like that over the years, Rey. I always made sure to make it seem like I was joking. I never was."

She launched herself at him, tackling him backwards so that he found himself awkwardly reclined on the arm of the couch. She straddled him, leaning over her bump so she could again make his head spin with the way her mouth found his, all fire and fury and so, so much hunger.

"Damn you," she growled into him. "Being here the whole time, and I was too blind to see it, and you were so patient, so careful, so sweet. I never stood a chance with you. You're perfect."

"I'm really not." He pushed her backwards, chasing her with his lips until she was the one beneath him. Much better. "And why didn't you tell me you'd seen the ring already?"

"I — figured," she said a little breathlessly, her smile dazzling. "I figured it wasn't for me."

"Ridiculous," he scoffed. "Of course it was."

She laughed again, her hands sliding up and into his hair. "God, Ben, what are we doing? Is any of this real?"

"It's real, baby," he said, leaning down to kiss her again, a soft touch of his tongue against hers, a grin breaking helplessly over his features. "You, and me, and her. We're going to a family. The completely boring, wholesome, traditional, _married_ kind."

"With a dozen babies," she reminded him.

They were a pair of fools, he decided, both of them grinning like lovesick idiots. But he couldn't stop, and clearly, neither could she. He wanted to laugh. He wanted to fucking _giggle._ Absurd. So he brushed his lips down the column of her throat instead, light and teasing.

"You're parents are going to need an apology," she told him.

He jerked his head up, giving her a look. "You're thinking about them right _now_?"

"I was wondering how soon I can marry you, and then I was thinking about their ideas, and then I remembered how rude you were to them," she said with a soft laugh.

"They were tying to ruin this," he murmured, "This moment belongs to us, not them."

She pecked his cheek. "It does. But I still think you should apologize. Tomorrow, at dinner."

"Fine. I will. But if we could go back a moment — you said _soon_."

"Soon," she echoed, nodding. "Very, very soon."

"If we wait," He slid a hand over her bump, "we can do something big."

"Do you want big? I don't really care about a big wedding."

"Fuck no," he took her hands and pulled her up with him as he sat back, since it seemed this little moment required more discussion than action now. "I'd whisk you off to Vegas if I didn't think that too trashy for what you deserve. I don't really need anyone there but you."

That heart-stopping smile returned, wide and toothy and glorious. Her eyes sparkled. "Then I don't want to wait."

He puffed in hopeful disbelief. "You don't?"

"Your mother probably won't forgive us, but…something small and quick, that suits me. Maybe we don't even tell anyone. Only your parents, that's it. And then later, after the baby, we let her plan the extravagant affair I'm sure she's always dreamed of for you."

That plan was the most _them_ plan he'd ever heard. They'd always done things their own way, just a little different from anyone else. The expectations of others didn't guide them. Not when they were friends, fucking and spending all their time together but refusing to acknowledge deeper feelings. Not when they accidentally made a baby and decided to co-parent despite all reason. Not when they finally got together. And definitely not when it came to this proposal. So why should their marriage be any different?

"So until that day, none of our friends, or my uncle, or anyone but my parents would know. And you would be my secret wife," he said, reveling in the deliciousness of that most delightful idea. "Yes, Rey, I like the sound of that very much."

She grinned. "I thought you might."

He stood, holding onto her hands and pulling her up with him. "I'm on board. We'll tell them tomorrow before Luke and Mara get there. But right now, I don't want to talk about my parents anymore. I kind of want to take you upstairs and see if it feels any different, bedding my fiancée instead of my friend-turned-baby-mama."

She leaned up on her toes, sneaking in a kiss that was probably meant to be quick, but once he'd caught her, Ben didn't let her go. Rey wrapped her arms around his neck and sighed happily. He took that as assent, leading her towards the stairs. He was going to take his time with her. To engage her in one of those slow, languid journeys towards some blissful end, because they had nowhere else to be tonight, and Ben was far too full of wonder to let this moment go uncelebrated. He'd show her exactly how happy he was at the turn life had taken in the breath of an hour.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Good? Happy?
> 
> And yeah, I know what I said before, but I kept coming back to it again and again. It was the only name she was ever going to have in this story. And she's fictional, so it's okay. And I realized "I'll live" suited the child of our beloved Ben Solo so painfully well. There could be no other choice.


	17. These Surreal Days

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Running into exes can be so awkward.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I deeply, deeply apologize for the fact that is has taken me ten days to get this chapter (and the next!) up. I also apologize because it's going to be another little bit until chapter 19, I think. We're moving to a different state in 7 days, so life is a liiiiiitle hectic right now. 19 could be up sooner, since it's going to be a lot shorter than normal, but I can't promise anything.
> 
> Also, this was going to be another monstrously long chapter, but this one felt right to split. So part two will be posted in one hour as well! Consider it my apology, this two-chapter day.

**CHAPTER SEVENTEEN:**

**These Surreal Days**

* * *

THIRTY-TWO WEEKS — CANTALOUPE

Sometimes, Rey had the sense that they'd cheated destiny somehow.

Like maybe things weren't supposed to have worked out this well, but they found a loophole and wandered out of a tragedy, into a happier story. Kids like her, the discarded ones, the ones thrown away like garbage, they didn't get stories like this. And kids like Ben, loved but lonely, too much privilege and not enough guidance, they didn't turn out like he did.

That made her a little nervous, sometimes. Like someone would show up demanding the cost for their happiness. As if, for balance to exist in the universe, an equitable amount of suffering had to be paid. But that was when she felt morbid and melancholic. Mostly, she was just extraordinarily happy.

It was a funny thing, her joy. A quiet thing, humming in the background of her heart. It came from all these little pieces coming together, things she didn't even know she wanted, seven months ago. She wouldn't have thought that bearing an unplanned child in an increasingly uncomfortable body would bring her any kind of joy. In fact, she'd have been pretty sure that would be a nightmare. And she wouldn't have thought that being close with Ben's parents would be anything more than a weird arrangement, but loving them and being loved by them was everything she'd ever dreamed a family could be. And she wouldn't have willingly acknowledged that being engaged, wearing someone's ring on her finger with the plan to become his secret wife in four days' time, would make her feel fluttery and glowy and _wanted_. Most of all, she wouldn't have allowed herself to envision a future where that person she'd be marrying was _Ben_.

So yeah, it was funny how things had worked out. And funny that she felt lighter and happier and _safer_ than she'd ever felt before because of all these pieces coming together.

Because of Ben.

She meant it when she told him she was impatient to marry him. That she didn't want to wait. Because it had been a long, painful road getting to this point, and now that she'd made up her mind, she wanted to seize him with both hands make him _hers_. Forever. By whatever laws or traditions or perceptions there were.

They told his parents that day before dinner. Ben apologized for freaking out on them, explained that he felt they were rushing something he hadn't spoken to Rey about, and then broke the news. At first, they didn't have much of a reaction at all. Leia smiled and patted her son's chest while Han calmly stood and left the room. It threw Ben and Rey, who'd expected some sort of pleased response after their behavior a few days before. Han returned with a record and a bottle of champagne. He pulled the vinyl out, blew off the dust, inspected it for scratches, and then put it on the player he had in the corner. While the needle hissed over outermost ring of the record, Han popped the campaign and poured a couple of glasses. By the time he handed one to Leia, the unmistakable first notes of Kool & The Gang's _Celebration_ began to fill the living room.

It was like Ben and Rey were completely forgotten then. Han and Leia toasted, linked arms, and began to dance around the living room like a couple of downright fools, sipping their champagne and boogieing to the world's cheesiest victory song. Rey laughed. Ben cringed so hard she thought she saw his soul leave his body. He ran over to the record player and stopped the song halfway through.

"Stop, stop, goddammit, why are you two the most embarrassing people on this planet?" he complained.

They didn't seem to mind. Suddenly Rey found herself assaulted by the tightest hug Leia had ever given her while Han pounded on Ben's back and told him he'd made a "real smart move" for once in his sorry life. He said it with so much warmth and affection, there could be no insult hidden there. Ben didn't take offense.

When they explained their plan, his parents happily accepted it without a murmur of complaint. Even Leia, who Rey had felt sure would object to the unconventional timing of everything, merely hugged her monstrously large son and said, "Alright, so when? Tomorrow?"

Ben snorted. "As much as I appreciate the shared sense of urgency, I'm not getting married after a long day at the office. We were thinking this coming weekend."

Leia beamed. "Excellent." She turned to Rey. "That will give me time to go shopping with you for a dress!"

Rey balked at that. She didn't want to go looking for a gown, not when this was just a small, modest, private little thing and definitely not when she currently felt like her body had swelled to the size of a water buffalo.

"Oh," she said awkwardly, "um…I don't need a dress."

"Of course you do," said Leia, and Rey thought she looked rather determined. "Something to suit you now. Your _real_ dress. The one that's all you. Then later, when we do the public ceremony, you can pick a fancy gown that makes you feel like someone else."

Rey relaxed. She thought she could do that. Find something that would suit her situation, her taste, and the occasion. Yes, actually, she liked that idea very much.

Han rubbed his hands together. "And that'll give me enough time to get online and get ordained to be a clergy so I can officiate. Is that okay with you, kid?"

Ben stared at his father in bafflement. "You want to…officiate?"

"Unless you wanna invite someone else?"

"No…" he glanced at Rey. She just grinned and shrugged. It seemed like a great idea to her. Ben looked back at his father, his surprise giving way to a slow smirk. "Han Solo, the lifelong atheist who doesn't mess with religious mumbo jumbo is going to get ordained by some online church as a _clergy_?"

His father laughed. "Hey, I'll baptize myself into whatever the hell religion you want if it means I get to see you keep hold of this chick and her little girl."

"This _chick_ ," Ben scoffed.

"Oh, don't be so stuffy. It's not an insult. Are you insulted, kiddo?" He looked at Rey.

She shook her head. Leia sighed happily. The good moods sustained them through dinner with Luke and Mara. Ben told them about the engagement, and about a spring wedding when the baby was around six months old. They expressed their congratulations and happiness. Rey felt a little bad about leaving them out of the loop. Mara had been nothing but kind and friendly to her over these months of regular family dinners. And Luke was likable too, in his own prickly way. It might have been okay to tell them about it, to let them be there this weekend. But they seemed content to wait until spring, so she didn't try to pull Ben aside and change the plan.

Luke got a little misty-eyed when he saw his mother's ring on Rey's finger. He and Leia had a nice moment reminiscing about what they remembered of their mom, of her kindness, her devotion to them, the ferocity with which she protected her children, and with which she could stand up to their sometimes overbearing father.

"Maybe it's fitting," Luke said after some thought. "Rey has some similar qualities. And Ben has always been a little bit like Dad. So…yeah. I think it's right. Feels like coming full circle. Like coming home."

Home.

Yeah. Rey felt that too.

The next day, Ben arranged to go in for a half day of work. They spent the morning together, first going to Rey's next appointment (everything still good, everything still nicely on track) and then going to get their marriage license. When Ben finally went into work after lunch, Rey took herself to the library to try to focus on her own clients. It was hard, though. She felt peculiar, much the way she had the day she'd learned about being pregnant. Like somehow the whole world was different, but she was supposed to go on as normal.

Ben's ring flashed cheerfully at her whenever it caught the light, provoking that funny swooping feeling in her stomach. Sometimes she still couldn't wrap her mind around the idea that she was so loved. That someone wanted to voluntarily spend every single day around her for the rest of their lives. That he was _choosing_ this. Choosing her.

That night Rose invited them both to dinner. They met up with her and Hux at one of their favorite American 50's themed diners, indulging in burgers, fries, and malted shakes. Even Ben, who rarely threw his rigidly healthy diet out the window like that, fully embraced the diner menu.

Since they'd just dropped the news the day before, Rose was all about gushing over the ring. And their engagement in general.

"This is the craziest turn of events ever," she sighed. "Five years of pretending nothing exists between you, and then all the sudden it's a mad dash through all the stages of a full-blown romance and running pellmell into marriage."

"You're the one who teased me to tell you when the wedding date was that day I invited Ben to spend quarantine with me," Rey observed around a mouthful of fries dipped in chocolate shake.

Ben was watching her with a horrified expression. She swallowed, grinned.

Rose laughed. "Oh my god, I don't remember that but it definitely sounds like me."

"It does," Ben agreed, still giving Rey dubious side-eye.

"Try it," she urged, dragging another fry through her malt. "It's the perfect balance of sweet and salty."

He grimaced. "Definitely not." His attention flicked to Hux. "What's your problem?"

The ginger's naturally paper-white complexion had gone even whiter, and his wide eyes were fixed on Rey's midsection. She had leaned back in the booth a bit, trying to take some pressure off her spine, which brought her swell out from under the table.

"It's…moving…" he said with soft horror.

"She always does that when I drink super cold things," Rey laughed. "It's the shake, probably."

The cantaloupe-sized girl was extremely active at the moment, moving around restlessly. Rey's stomach was tight enough that Olive's jabs and pokes and thumps were visible beneath the fabric of her shirt. It felt like a disco in there. Rey could laugh about it, but it wasn't exactly comfortable. She wasn't sure how she'd make it another eight weeks when she already felt overburdened and crowded out of her own skin. But moments like this were amusing. It had terrified Ben the first time he saw Olive's hiccups twitching through Rey's stomach like a muscle spasm. Seeing how much it freaked out Hux in a similar fashion now gave her some kind of wicked delight.

Rose's eyes were wide too, now that she'd noticed, but she still gave her boyfriend a harmless smack. "Don't be rude, Armie."

"Rude? Who's being rude? It's fucking _moving,_ Rosie. It's the most terrifying thing I've ever seen. Goddamn nightmare fuel."

Ben smirked, boldly gliding his palm over Rey's bump as if to prove it didn't scare him. Even though it did. All the time. "What's the matter, Hux? Afraid her parasite is contagious?"

Hux's eyes snapped to his, an incredulous grin cracking over his face. "Did you just call your own child a parasite, Solo?"

"I mean, that's basically what she is," Rey agreed. "Less now that she could survive outside her host. But before, yeah, definitely fit into the category."

Rose laughed. "What is wrong with both of you? That's your daughter you're talking about!"

"Though she might be a hellspawn, by the looks of it," Hux said with a shudder, watching as a distinctly round lump skidded beneath the surface of Rey's skin. Ben's hand twitched away when it reached him, the tips of his ears reddening a little as he flashed her an exhilarated look. The fool. Rey leaned her head into his shoulder.

"I like my hellspawn," she sighed.

Ben took a sip of his cookies and cream shake. No malt, because he was a boring sap who didn't like the flavor of malted milk. "Wasn't it you," he said, glancing at Hux, "who just said that he wanted to practice being a father by babysitting for us? Because watching Rose grow something from _Alien_ inside her would be part of the fatherhood package."

Hux's face reddened three different shades of summer-ripe tomato. "I did _not_ say that! It was you sorry lot twisting my perfectly innocent, kind-hearted offer into something entirely different!"

Rey glanced at Rose, who was blushing just as hard as her boyfriend. Honestly, it made Rey laugh. She didn't have a great deal of sympathy for her friend right now. How many times had Rose deliberately embarrassed Rey or Ben over the years? It was kind of nice to see the tables turned right now.

"Sure," Ben hummed. "Keep telling yourself that."

"So spring," Rose said quickly, changing the subject. "You have a month picked out yet?"

Rey mercifully gave her the escape, hiding a small smile. "April or May."

"Both popular for weddings, though not as crazy as June." Rose sighed a happy little sound. "I take it Doctor Skywalker will be pretty much spearheading the planning?"

"Yep," said Rey. "You can coordinate with her. I really have no idea what a maid of honor is supposed to do, or where to even begin with any of this. As far as I'm concerned, Leia can have full control."

Ben grimaced. "You give her that kind of freedom, she's going to throw us a whole Met Gala."

Rey laughed, Rose's eyes sparkled. Hux watched his girlfriend's reaction with a touch of longing that made Rey wonder if Rose was still holding him off. It was pretty obvious how badly he wanted that for them. Rey couldn't fathom why Rose had been demurring as long as she had. She obviously loved the guy.

"I'm sure your mother will ask our opinions on things," Rey said to Ben, setting aside her curiosity. "That's when we can tell her to cool it."

"Not sure she knows how to cool it," he grumbled, checking his watch. He pulled her in for a quick kiss to her forehead. "Hey, I gotta get to work. Are you finished?"

She sat forward, taking one final sip of her shake, draining it until the straw sucked noisily at the puddle at the bottom. She wiped her face with a napkin, grinned, and nodded. "I am now."

Everyone stood, sliding out of the booth. Hux and Ben went to the counter to pay the tabs. Rose linked her arm through Rey's and the two of them wandered out of the restaurant and into the sunshine.

"You seem really happy," Rose said gently.

"I am," said Rey. "Sometimes I can't figure out how I got here. Why everything's working out so well. But I am really happy."

Rose snuggled into her. "You deserve it. And honestly, don't worry about anything wedding-related until after you get this peanut here. Paige is good friends with Doctor Skywalker. She can get me an _in_ with her, and then she and I can handle the things that need to get done now."

Rey was about to express her gratitude when, on the way to the car, they almost ran directly into the tall, sinewy body of a bombshell of a warm ocher-skinned woman. _Bazine_ , Rey realized with a lurch.

Bazine Netal was definitely model material, with her high cheekbones and severe, sharp angles. Her lean, muscular body, curves where they should be but rigidly contained, like they were _designed_. Her dark hair had been pulled up in a tight bun, enhancing the cat-like allure of her amber eyes. Her lips, painted with darkest maroon parted in surprise when she registered that someone had almost bowled her over.

"Bazine!" Rose squeaked in surprise.

The other woman's face briefly looked perplexed, like she was trying to remember them. Like she hadn't spent nearly a full year associating with their friend group — though, admittedly, Ben spent less time with him when he'd dated her than he did when he was single. Bazine liked a different kind of social scene than their playful group. She thought they were childish. Ben convinced her to come around once in a while, and she seemed to gravitate to Tally as if she enjoyed talking to her, but she always kind of seemed like she was having a bad time. Maybe she'd intentionally blocked everyone out from her memory.

Then her face cleared.

"Ah, Rose, right?" A brief smile flitted over those lips, though it didn't touch her eyes.

Rose's smile was much more genuine. "Yeah, hi! It's been forever! You remember Rey?"

Bazine's mouth tightened and she reluctantly turned her attention to Rey, flashing with unmistakeable recognition, eyes flitting down to Rey's altered shape. "I almost didn't, thanks for the reminder. Hello."

"Hi," Rey said, tamping down her flash of emotion. Was it nervousness? Jealousy? What was it that flared inside her when Bazine leveled that look on her? "I didn't realize you enjoyed this diner too."

"I don't." Bazine frowned, bored glance sliding towards the kitschy building behind them. "We're bringing litigation against them for stealing a trademarked phrase for milkshake Mondays in behalf of a client. I'm here to do due diligence."

"Oh." Rose rallied much more forced kind of smile. "That's not as fun. Crazy running into you like this, though. It's been so long. You look great!"

"Thank you. As do you." Again, that glance at Rey's middle, and something that looked…it looked a lot like a _smirk_ flitted briefly over her stony face. "Can't quite say the same, Rey. Looks like you got yourself into a bit of a predicament, didn't you?"

Rey blushed. "Oh, um, yeah…"

"Honestly, what a surprise. You look like you're ready to pop any second now. Are they twins? And is there a father in the picture?" Her words were conversational, but her tone was less than friendly. Rey had never had a negative interaction with this woman. She wasn't sure what she'd done to earn her ire.

"No, I'm not. No, it's just one. And yes, he is," she said, rallying her courage with the sting of offense buzzing through her veins. Her voice was bolder when she said, "Actually, Bazine, I'm engaged."

As if that bit of information would do anything to make Bazine stop looking at her like she was some kind of trollop who got knocked up because she just couldn't keep her legs together. Even though... it wasn't exactly far from the truth.

"Congratulations," Bazine said acidly. "I didn't know shotgun weddings were still a thing."

Rose glanced behind them at the sound of deep bass laughter, and the hair on the back of Rey's neck stood up because she realized Hux and Ben were coming out of the restaurant at last. Bazine's attention followed Rose's look and she stiffened. Rey turned.

Hux and Ben were talking about something — grinning that dumb boy grin that guys always wore when they talked about stupid things — and didn't notice the scene ahead of them at all until they were practically upon them. When they did, Hux froze, eyes widening into saucers. Ben paused in his step, blinking, his face registering brief surprise. He glanced between Bazine and Rey. Rey felt a momentary surge of protectiveness, because Bazine seemed to be in the mood to bite and no doubt Ben would only provoke her further. But Ben recovered coolly, his face composing into something reserved but friendly.

"Hey, Baz. Good to see you," he said without a hint of awkwardness at all.

Bazine, obviously, did not share his detachment. Her face hardened, jaw tight when she acknowledged, "Benjamin, hello."

Rey almost laughed. She forgot that Bazine had called him that the whole time they were together, even though it wasn't his name. The first time Poe heard her use it, he'd howled like it was the funniest thing in the world. Ben, rather embarrassed, told them Baz thought it sounded more distinguished. Nobody had stopped teasing him about it the whole time they were together.

Hux slunk up next to Rose, taking her hand and drawing him behind her protectively. "Bazine," he said with a nod of greeting.

They'd gone to law school together. Hux was the one who'd introduced Ben to Bazine in the first place. But the other woman barely spared him a glance of acknowledgement, zeroing right back in on Ben. Her eyes narrowed.

"I see you two are still hanging out," she said, thrusting her chin at Rey. "Does her _fiancé_ know about your weird friendship?"

"You could say that, yeah," Ben said.

There was real hostility on Bazine's face now, and Rey experienced a glimmer of understanding. The reason for the barely restrained hostility.

Rey had always tried to keep her distance from Ben whenever he dated someone, and she had definitely tried to do that while he dated Baz. She knew how it could make a girl feel to have the guy she liked hanging out with someone else. So she limited her contact with Ben to the social gatherings. Sometimes he'd sent her a random text here or there, and depending on the context, she might answer. But otherwise she stayed away. They could be lonely months, if Rey didn't also have someone to date at the time. She hung out with Rose and Finn a lot more. But for all her efforts to keep away, somehow, Baz had sensed their bond anyway. Just like some of the guys Rey had been with who had been bothered by Ben, even when she was careful to keep him at arm's length. It was hard to hide how well they got along when they were together.

Baz was jealous.

 _Please don't tell her_ , Rey thought, willing Ben to magically read her mind. If they broke up because he wouldn't marry her, finding out he was engaged now would only hurt her. And nasty as that look was on Baz's face when she spoke to her, Rey didn't have it in her to wish hurt on this woman.

"Listen, I have to get to work," said Ben after a tense second of silence. His hand lightly touched Rey's back and he glanced at her. "Shall we?"

She nodded, relieved.

He glanced at Bazine, his face smoothing. "It was a nice surprise seeing you. I hope you're well."

Bazine looked like she could smell something rotten. She frowned, glancing between them. "I'm doing fantastic, don't worry about me."

"Good to see you again," Rey said softly. She ventured a smile. Bazine didn't return it.

She turned to Hux and Rose. "Armitage, nice to catch up. Rose." With that, she shoved past them and marched on to the doors of the diner.

Rose poked her head around her giant tall boyfriend. "What's the matter with you? Did you think she was going to physically attack me? She was fine! Not exactly pleasant, but not violent."

Hux ran a hand through his hair. "We've had some run-ins lately in the courtroom. She's…different from when she used to hang out with us. She's a lot more aggressive. Honestly I had no idea what to expect." His attention went to Ben. "Are you okay, mate?"

"I'm fine," Ben said dismissively, turning instead to Rey, gently turning her towards him and grazing his fingers along her jaw to take her chin. He searched her eyes. "Was she rude to you? What happened?"

"I mean, I wouldn't say she was _nice_. It was weird. Awkward."

"She was definitely rude," Rose huffed. "Rey, sweetie, don't take her comments seriously. You look fantastic."

Ben's face hardened. Rey hurried to reassure him. "It's fine, I don't care."

"Why didn't you tell her about you two?" Hux asked. "I would have killed to see the look on her face!"

Rey grabbed Ben's face before he could turn around to look at the ginger. "I'm glad you didn't," she said softly.

His eyes softened. He pressed a kiss to her forehead, drawing an arm around her waist, and then looked over to Hux and Rose. "I freely admit to being an asshole when I have to be, but she was always kind of weird about Rey when we were together, and I thought it would be unnecessarily cruel to confirm her fears that she had every right to be jealous."

"Unnecessary? _She_ is cruel, Solo," Hux insisted. "The people she represents…they're not good people. It would have been the least of what she deserves."

Ben shrugged. "She wanted something from me that I couldn't give. That doesn't give me the moral high ground. And I've done work for some sketchy companies too. It's fine. She's free to go on and live her life. I'm living mine."

"Your best life," Rose said with a grin. "Good for you, Ben."

Hux rolled his eyes. "Ugh. You know, Solo, sometimes you're sickening. I wanted to watch your asshole side take her down. Now your Boy Scout side spare her nasty little feelings."

"Sorry to disappoint you. I really do have to run, though," Ben said with a chuckle, cutting off any further analysis they might have launched into over the Bazine encounter. "So feel free to discuss between each other how you think I should have handled that. No doubt we'll see you again all too soon."

"Yeah, Poe wants to throw you an engagement party," Rose said excitedly.

Rey smiled. "He mentioned that. We're making him wait a couple weeks, though, so he can combine it with his baby shower party."

"He's quickly using up his allotted celebrations," Ben joked.

Rose giggled and Hux agreed emphatically. They exchanged their goodbyes, Rose and Rey hugged with a promise to hang out soon, and then they parted. The real reason they were making Poe wait had more to do with their secret plan for the weekend than it did how many parties he got to throw. They had a little ceremony to perform, and then Ben had arranged for them to slip away for what he conspiratorially called a _honeymoon-slash-babymoon_. Rey had no idea what the hell a babymoon was, but it sounded fun to go somewhere anyway. They weren't going far, or for very long, saving a bigger and more exciting trip for later when Rey could enjoy all the perks of traveling better.

"I can take an Uber if you need to get to the office," she told Ben as he raced towards home. He wasn't driving with his emotions, like he had that day after his parents house, but she sensed urgency in his speed anyway.

"I don't care if I'm late going in. I'll put in some extra hours this week to make it up to Luke. Honestly, I just wanted to get out of there." He flashed her an apologetic grin. "Sorry to cut short your time with Rose."

"It's fine. I can see her whenever. Are you okay after running into Baz like that?"

"I'm okay," he said, sighing. "I don't have any feelings for her, if that's what you're worried about."

"It wasn't, but good to know anyway." She meant this to sound light, maybe a little teasing. Because she was pretty convinced of what he'd said when he proposed. That there'd never been anyone for him but her. She believed that. He manifested it in everything he ever did.

"It makes me feel like a dirtbag, though," he admitted after a second. "I really shouldn't have dated anyone when I felt the way I felt about you. It's like I led them all on. Bazine especially. She lived with false hope. I feel guilty about that."

Rey wanted to say something to take away that guilt, but she didn't want to minimize his feelings either. It wasn't like his guilt was unjustified. Rey would have been devastated to learn any of the guys she'd dated had been wishing she were someone else the whole time.

"Why did you? Date them, I mean. Or date _her_ , I guess, for as long as you did, if you were never into it?"

He exhaled softly. "I was trying to convince myself I had other options. It didn't seem fair to you to pine after you and hinge all my future happiness on whether or not you ever saw me as more than a friend. So I tried to take the pressure off. I thought maybe I really could have feelings for someone else. I kept waiting for it to happen. It never did."

Rey really felt like the most oblivious person in the world sometimes, realizing he was there and in love with her this _whole time_ and she'd never noticed. Maybe because she wasn't ready to notice. Maybe because she was too afraid of losing even his friendship to risk looking for anything more.

"It killed me every time you had a boyfriend," he admitted softly. "Sometimes I'd find someone just to have a distraction from the silence between us."

"I know that feeling." It was hard articulating to anyone why she felt so sad when Ben had a serious girlfriend. She told herself it was because she had to stay away from her best friend, because people couldn't understand how a guy and a girl could be friends without there being romantic interest. She argued the part of Sally all the time, insisting that it was possible, in fact, that's what she had with Ben. Turned out Harry was right all along. It wasn't possible. There had always been romantic interest.

Ben glanced at her. "You never seemed ready for anything serious. Like you were just messing around."

"I was," she acknowledged. "I didn't know it at the time, though. Do you know how hard it was, Ben, being with anyone else when I had _you_ in my head the whole time? Not just your sex god powers, although that was a pretty significant part of it—" she loved the way his cheeks and the tips of his ears turned pink at that "—but also because you're just...you. And we were just _us_."

"Yeah," he agreed. "It was messed up, I guess, but I couldn't find _us_ with anyone else. It never felt like it does with you."

Rey sighed, laughed, tipped her head back against the headrest and closed her eyes. "God, Ben, you're hopeless. So am I. We're both hopeless."

He chuckled soft and low. "Maybe we owe apologies to everyone we ever used to try to pretend we didn't have feelings for each other."

She grimaced. "That's quite a list."

He fell silent for a minute, his thoughts taking the place of a reply. Eventually he said, "It might make me a horrible person, but I think I'd do it all again to get this same outcome, though. To get Olive, and you, and this life. I've never been this happy."

Rey's heart skipped a beat. "That's not fair. When you say things like that…"

"What?" he asked, urging her on.

She blushed. "It makes me want to say yes to you all over again."

He pulled the car over in a sharp, abrupt move, navigating into the shoulder, killing the engine. Then he turned and, with a hand on the back of her head, pulled her towards him until his lips collided with hers, fervent and hungry. He kissed her so hard she couldn't breathe. He kissed her until her head spun. He kissed her like the world was ending.

"Wow," she laughed breathlessly when he finally let her go, nosing affectionately into her cheek while he caught his breath. "What was that for?"

"Because I want you to know what it does to me, knowing you said yes once already. And because I want you to know that I intend to ask you again and again, over this whole lifetime we share together, I'll keep asking you and keep hoping every time that you say yes."

"I will," she promised softly. "Every time."

He tucked a lock of her hair behind her ear, a little smile on his face. "Then let's start with this weekend."

Her heart fluttered again, that thrilled leap of emotion she didn't know what to do with. So she laughed, traced his smile once, and reminded him gently, "First, work."

"Work," he sighed, sinking back into his own seat. He readjusted his seatbelt and turned the ignition again. "I've never cared less about work."


	18. Someone to Stay

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "Two people were married. The act was outrageous." — Paul Simon

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> THIS WAS A TWO-CHAPTER UPDATE TODAY!  
> THIS IS THE SECOND NEW CHAPTER.  
>  **This is me reminding you, in case, like me, you sometimes hop to the most recent chapter.  
>  17 AND 18 WENT UP TODAY**

**CHAPTER EIGHTEEN**

**Someone to Stay**

* * *

THIRTY-TWO WEEKS — CANTALOUPE (cont.)

Work, it turned out, was a good distraction. Ben kept up his end of the bargain to put in twice as much effort for Luke this week in exchange for a handful of days off the next, so Rey really didn't see as much of him in those few days between getting their license and actually getting married. Her own work kept her busy enough that the hours passed quickly, and when she wasn't working, she was with Leia. The woman she could soon call her mother-in-law. It was a weird title, that one. Rey had heard it uttered in contempt so many times on television and movies, she felt like it should be a derogatory term. But she loved hers.

Leia took her to get a manicure and a pedicure, to get her hair trimmed, to find a dress and a cute pair of flats. She invited Rey to her work one day so she could take her around and show her off to colleagues, practically glowing with pride every time she introduced her daughter-in-law and impending grandchild. She helped Rey get some things for the getaway, promising they would get even sexier things for the spring ceremony, when they got to go on a better honeymoon.

"Somewhere exotic, I hope," Leia said as they perused de-alchoholised champagne at the liquor store. "You deserve as much. Fiji, perhaps. That could be nice."

Rey couldn't even imagine a scenario in which she went to Fiji, so she just laughed. "Nice is one way to describe it, I guess."

"You'll leave her with us when you go, won't you?" Leia asked, motioning vaguely to Rey's middle. "I don't mean to assume. Perhaps you won't feel ready to leave her yet. But if you do, I hope you'll think of us. I know Han is…Han. But I promise I'd follow all your instructions and honor your wishes."

"My wishes?" Rey was still having trouble conceptualizing what it would be like to actually have an infant in her day to day life, one that made noise and needed food and did more than just crush her bladder or sucker punch her kidneys.

Leia spoke lightly, a diplomat trying to conceal the earnest hope in her voice. "I know everyone parents differently, and no doubt things are different now than they were before when I had a baby. So you and Ben will decide things like what her bedtime routine is, whether you want me to give her a bottle from your supply or just do formula, what kind of lotion she can have — you know, all that kind of stuff."

No, Rey did not know. But she closed her mouth because she didn't want to look like an idiot in front of this woman. So she just nodded quietly, and then, after a silence, said, "Of course we'll leave her with you."

It did something funny to her saying that though. Not a good kind of funny. A distinctly bad feeling curled in her gut. _Leaving your baby for a week away with Ben isn't the same thing as leaving her forever_ , she told herself, but sadness stole through her all the same. She might need to tackle a rather large emotional hurdle in order to put her baby in the arms of her grandmother and walk away, however temporary the separation.

Still, all that was far enough away that she could set it aside and just focus on the thing ahead of her: Marrying Ben Solo.

* * *

It was quiet thing, their ceremony. Perfectly, beautifully quiet.

The day of, they packed up a few things and went to Ben's parents' house. Rey sent a quick text to Rose letting her know she'd be going on a little pre-baby getaway, and then she turned off her phone. They set away messages on their emails and summarily disconnected from everything else. Ben helped his father string up some Christmas lights in the gazebo while Leia drew Rey a bubble bath in the biggest fucking tub she'd ever laid eyes on. Leia set out a dizzying assortment of lotions and oils and anything else a pampered person could dream of, and then left Rey to her unexpected luxury.

The bath was comfortably warm, but not hot, and Rey relaxed with her whole body submerged beneath the foamy surface, her head reclined on a padded headrest. She thought about how she got here, to this moment right now, and drew no conclusions at all except that the night she went to hang out at that bar with all her friends and caught Poe's imposingly large roommate glancing at her, the whole shape of her future had changed. That man. That roommate. He who had been an unflagging source of support all these years, a steady constant current of safety. He who had put a child into her and then immediately upended his whole world to make it right. 

She loved him. Sometimes the knowledge still left her breathless.

She soaked in the bath for a long time, long enough that the bubbles began to melt away, until eventually she caved and used a handheld hose attachment to wash her hair. She got out and chose the most subtle of Leia's lotions— a light, breezy scented thing that reminded her of fresh summer mornings. Drying off with the fluffiest, softest towel she'd ever held in her life, she pulled on a pair of loose pajama bottoms, a wire-free cotton bra, and a maternity t-shirt. She'd get dressed in her nicer things later. This would be fine for now. With a little hydrating styling cream she scrunched her natural waves and tidied up the bathroom behind her — way, way too self-conscious in this lavishly beautiful suite to leave it with her normal homey clutter. Then she left to track down Ben and his parents.

She found them in the kitchen, snacking on a charcuterie board, reminiscing about Ben's stormy adolescence. He sat on a stool, low enough that his mother could reach to tousle his hair affectionately while his father rolled his eyes over some anecdote. The scene was so personal that Rey almost didn't want to interrupt. They were having a moment here. But Ben spotted her before she could turn away, and smiled one of his big _Ben_ smiles, and she was helpless to turn away. So she drifted in instead, and Han shifted over to make room for her around their snacks.

"If only we could go back and reassure that troubled, lonely boy that things wouldn't always be like that," Leia sighed, bringing some conclusion to their reminiscing. She took Rey's hand and smiled. "That one day he'd find someone who would understand him."

Ben's cheeks warmed and his gaze dropped to the countertop. "Not sure that kid would believe you even if you could, Mom. Sometimes I still can't believe it myself."

"You ever imagine the person meant for you would be some penniless foster girl wildchild from London?" Han laughed.

It didn't hurt, the way Han openly acknowledged the ugliness she'd been through like it was normal. Like it was nothing to be ashamed of. Of course he didn't know about the depths of the abuse, but then, she didn't know exactly what he'd been through either. Somehow, they understood anyway. There was solidarity here. And if anyone could coolly joke about growing up believing you're nothing, it was Han.

Ben didn't reply, but his eyes did lift from the table again and find her. She gave him a shy little smile.

"You look happy, kiddo," Han remarked with a friendly grunt.

"I've never had a bath like that before! It was heaven," said Rey.

"Are you hungry, honey?" Leia asked, teasing a lock of Rey's hair. "Can I make you a sandwich or get you some fruit? Sorry about the charcuterie. I completely forgot you aren't supposed to have this stuff."

"Yeah, jeez, Leia, so rude," Han teased, moving over to the fridge. He pulled out a stainless steel bowl piled high with chunks of watermelon. "Here. Artu cut this up before we sent him home for the day. I tried some already. Tastes like candy. I honestly don't know how he picks them."

Rey plucked a small cube of deep red watermelon out of the bowl and tried it. Han was right, it was an exceptionally sweet fruit. The cold made it even better.

Ben stood and shuffled around his parents, sliding up next to her. She turned to him, into his warm, eager stare. He gently thumbed a little drop of melon juice off her lip. He spoke softly. "I'm going to go shower, okay? And then we can get ready."

She nodded, leaning up to give him a chaste little kiss.

"Definitely tastes like candy," he agreed, chuckling, and picked a piece out for himself before heading off to take his shower.

"Rey, sweetie, do you want me to help you with your hair?" Leia asked. "I don't mean to assume. We don't have any photographers here or anything. But I didn't know if you'd appreciate some help."

"Thank you," Rey told her sincerely. "But actually…Ben's going to do it."

They both stared at her. She laughed and bit into another slice.

"Ben?" Leia repeated.

"He's wanted to learn," Rey explained after swallowing her bite. "He wants to be able to do the baby's hair when she has enough to do anything with. So he's been watching some videos and I let him practice on mine. He's getting pretty good at it, actually."

Han barked a short, incredulous laugh. And then did it again. And then he burst into full-bellied peals of laughter, until tears were gathering in his eyes and he was half-doubled over the counter. "Ben?" he howled. "Doing hair? Leia, can you imagine me doing your hair for our wedding?"

And then he was lost again, cackling and shaking his head and removing himself from the room as if afraid he'd hear more outrageous things by staying. They could still hear his echoes way down the hall after he'd gone.

Leia rolled her eyes but chuckled anyway. "That would have been a genuine nightmare, let me tell you. But I guess if you're okay with it…are you sure?"

Rey grinned. "Yeah, I'm sure."

Leia still looked dubious. "You want to get ready together? You know it's bad luck—"

"Now, now, Leia," Rey said, feeling bold and comfortable and bright, "isn't that superstition stuff a little old fashioned for a forward thinking woman like you?"

Leia's eyes widened, and a slow smile spread over her face. "Ah-ha. I see how it is. Well…you got me there. If that's what you want to do, by all means, do it. It's your day, after all."

They spent the next companionable half hour together in the kitchen, chatting about the different weddings Leia had been to over the years. Some of her stories were truly wild. Like the one Leia went to where the bride walked down the aisle to the theme music of the Olympics. Leia was ready for her to lift her dress and start sprinting with a torch in hand. Or the orthodox Catholic mass wedding that went on for hours and hours, so long that Han fell so deep asleep he audibly snored. One wedding, Leia said, was most scandalous in her mind because in the middle of the vows the aunt of the _groom_ stood up and told the bride she still had the chance to say no and save herself from a loser husband, it wasn't too late. Rey laughed at the scandal of that one. Leia said the bride ignored it and went on with the wedding anyway.

Finally Ben was done with his shower, the evening was stretching into its final few hours, and it was time to get ready. Rey and Leia parted ways then. Rey found Ben in his childhood bedroom, looking around at all his things. They were staying in one of the guest rooms, but somehow, she knew he'd be in here.

She slid in next to him effortlessly. His arm came around her. They looked at the pictures and trophies on the wall. A gawky kid with a mouth too big for his face, ears too big for his head, holding a some certificate of accolade or another. She'd been here before, and seen them all. That day before they fooled around on his bed, she'd spent time exploring the trappings of his boyhood. She'd even teased him about his debate trophies. In truth, this room was everything she'd wanted as a child. Maybe he'd sensed that, because he didn't try to tell her how hard it was growing up here. He'd just let her look, and then he let her cry, and then he let her drown her sorrows in a flood of orgasms. 

She didn't tease him about the debate trophies now, falling silent witness to his brief, wistful nostalgia instead. And she bathed in her own private relief. That her daughter would get a childhood like this, instead of the cold, featureless misery of Rey's.

"Come on," he said after a quiet minute. "Enough looking at the ghosts of the past. I'm ready to marry you."

Rey blushed, her chest surging with pleasure, and she let him take her hand, leading her out of the room and to the guest room they'd been occupying.

They didn't really talk at first.

Ben put on some music — something soft, sweet, and contemplative from one of those indie groups he liked. Rey couldn't even begin to guess the name of the group or the song, but it set a nice mood. He dragged a chair over to the foot of the bed, and then tugged Rey towards it. Before she sat, though, he pulled her into him. His arms wrapped around her, hugging him to her until she stood on her toes. He buried his head into her neck.

Rey didn't say anything. She stroked through his soft, damp hair and soothed down the back of his neck. He smelled divine. The way he held her now, it made her heart trip hard in her chest.

Finally he let her go, brushing a kiss to her cheek, his eyes catching on hers as he pulled away. They were soft and warm and _home_. He guided her into the chair, then went to gather the things he wanted from the bathroom. When he came back, he sat on the edge of the bed behind her, legs on either side of her chair. Comb in hand, he started in on her hair, drawing a careful part, his touch light and gentle as he portioned out the pieces he wanted.

Rey remembered a time four years ago when they'd been at an amusement park with all their friends. While they stood in line for a particular roller coaster, she felt something drop into her hair from somewhere above. A fucking _bird_ had shit on her. She'd squealed in disgust and hopped around trying to figure out what the hell to do about it. The others were laughing too hard to be much help. Ben thought it was funny too, but he'd also ducked out of line and returned with napkins and a bottle of water. He'd gently taken the soiled hair and wiped it down, applying water when necessary. It was such a simple thing. A kind thing. But Rey remembered how it had made her heart trip, how caring he was, how his hands accidentally grazed her skin, how full of amusement and affection his eyes were when they met hers.

In that moment, she'd realized she was in danger of developing real feelings for him. Or maybe already had.

Over something as silly as bird droppings in her hair.

The same iridescent certainty shimmered through her now. His fingers gently worked a braid towards the back of her head on one side. The nearness of his touch, the tenderness of his gesture, they elicited the feelings of that day at the amusement park all over again, heart pounding, almost emotional, like she was on the brink of falling in love with him — except this time, she already had.

He secured the braid behind her head with a polished, elegant little silver butterfly set with sapphires they'd found at an antique store a long time ago. She thought it was pretty and had put it up to her hair to ask Ben's opinion. He'd taken one look and begged her to get it, even offering to pay for it if it ended up outside her budget. She hadn't really had much occasion to wear it.

Ben fluffed the edges of each braid loop out so it looked like a stylishly loose weave. Then he leaned down, brushing the loose half of her hair back with his fingers so his lips could find that little space between her neck and her shoulder.

"See if you like it," he murmured into her skin.

Rey stood and turned towards him, leaning over the chair to give him a little kiss. _Gratitude_ , she thought.

"You don't even know if you like it yet," he chuckled.

"I know that I like that you wanted to do this," she said, grinning.

The mirror showed her Ben's handiwork. It looked great. Her loose, natural waves cascaded beneath the braid, framing her face in a lovely, effortless kind of way. She didn't look very formal — the style might have suited some boho themed wedding rather than a highbrow formal affair — but it was exactly right for their intimate occasion. She smiled when he came up behind her.

"It's perfect," she told him.

He hummed. "Then it's almost worthy of you."

Rey laughed and rolled her eyes. "Wow, Ben."

He flashed her a grin before scooting past her to address his own hair, mussing it into the shape he liked. Like everything else in this house, this bathroom was enormous. Rey could use one side of the vanity to apply her makeup while Ben used the other to fuss with his hair. She watched him with amusement for a minute and then focused on herself. She didn't go for heavy. Today's look was about light and _natural_ , keeping it pretty but simple, the way she'd had it for Paige's wedding. Ben had told her several times how much he'd loved her look that night. She tried to recreate it now.

Eventually Ben drifted out to put on his suit. He always looked ridiculously good in suits. Rey kept stealing little glances his direction as he assembled himself, his broad shoulders and tapered waist coming together in a fine V-shape under the tailored cut of the jacket. His collared shirt highlighted his vast chest, the soft line of his jaw, the column of his throat. Rey shook her head and made herself focus. Silly to get distracted by the hotness of this man who she already had full and unhindered access to. If she wanted to jump him and ride him into oblivion, she could. And she would. Soon.

When she finished, she pulled off her soft comfy clothes and slipped into the dress she bought with Leia, tugging it over the protrusion of her belly, smoothing it. Ben came up behind her, zipping up the back in a slow slide. Rey assessed herself in the mirror again, and sighed a defeated sigh. The dress really was lovely — an ivory colored, soft floral lace tea-length boho dress with drape kimono sleeves and a floaty skirt falling from a flattering empire waist. It draped right over her bump in a way Leia had cooed was _so charming_. Rey really did love the dress. It felt like it suited her personality. But right now, looking at herself in the mirror, she mourned the way her body didn't look like her body. It looked like, as Finn had so indelicately put it earlier in the week, a _blimp_.

But when she turned back to Ben, he was staring at her like she'd just given him the world.

She blushed. "Good?"

"You're beautiful," he said helplessly.

Tingles of pleasure scattered down her spine, everything inside her warming into a pleasant glow.

"Here," he said quickly, turning to the closet. He produced a little vase, and from the vase, a small bouquet of sunflowers, neatly tied with a sapphire blue ribbon.

Her eyes widened. "Why was that in the closet?"

He looked sheepish. "I didn't want you to find it before now and ruin the surprise. I picked them from the garden while you were in the bath. I know all of this is unconventional, but I figured you'd feel like a real bride if you had a bouquet."

Rey rushed into him, tugging on his lapels to bring him down to her level so she could kiss him once again, this time fierce and lingering. Because she could. Because he was unbearably sweet, and she believed him when he said she was beautiful and the gesture with the flowers was just so... And because it made her feel a little daring and rebellious, kissing her groom before the ceremony. Ben made a soft noise in the back of his throat, one arm winding around her waist to pull her into him as far as her bump would allow. He tasted minty, like toothpaste, and Rey felt as if she could stay here forever, in this give and take and the slide of his tongue against hers and the way his mouth just drew hers like moth to flame.

But they couldn't stay there forever. Because there was something better in store. So eventually Ben pulled away and sighed ruefully, holding her face in one hand, brushing a thumb over her cheek.

"We should get downstairs," he said in a low, husky rumble.

"Okay," she agreed softly, taking the bouquet from him, burying her nose in the cheerful flowers.

He finished tying his tie, adjusting his collar, ensuring the knot was snug to his throat. He glanced once at the mirror, and then at Rey, drawing a deep breath. "Ready?"

She smiled, nodded. "You look really great, Ben."

A subtle flush of color stole across his cheeks as he offered his arm. She slipped hers through, taking a deep breath and following him out of the room.

* * *

There was no aisle, no father-of-the-bride escort, no music or fanfare or crying guests. Or rather, only one crying guest. Leia did get teary when Ben and Rey stepped up into the gazebo, but she brushed them away with a big smile, making them pose for a couple of pictures. Han swallowed and looked down at the notebook in his hand, a little paragraph scrawled across it. He seemed a little misty-eyed too.

"Hey," he said, barely glancing at Ben. "Turns out you're not half bad with the hair thing. It's still weird that you did it at all, but...you did a good job."

"It's beautiful," Leia agreed, tearing up again.

Ben glanced at Rey, half pleased, half smug. "Thanks."

"You kids ready to do this thing?" Han grunted, his voice a little husky.

They both nodded.

Rey gave her bouquet to Leia and turned towards Ben. He took her hands in his, throat bobbing in a hard swallow of his own. His lips twitched into a soft little smile. The sun hung at a low evening angle, slanting golden rays across the lush green expanse of the Solos' south lawn, bathing everything in that dreamy late summer light. It brought out the brown of Ben's hair and the amber honey in his fathomless eyes. He looked so positively _prince-like_ that Rey felt a blush creep through her face. Ben exhaled shakily, eyes widening.

Han cleared his throat. "So…I'm not a very eloquent person. I didn't plan some fancy speech to commemorate the occasion. I'll just say a couple clumsy things, and then I'll let you two kids say some words, and then we'll do vows or something. Sound good?"

Ben glanced sideways at his father. Rey laughed. "It sounds perfect," she reassured him.

Han nodded and gave Leia a pleased smile. "See? And you thought I needed a whole speech."

"Han," she sighed affectionately. "Just get on with it."

"Okay, okay." He squared himself and consulted his notepad. "Okay. So, here's the thing. I've always known my son was a bit of a handful. He's willful, serious, ornery and a huge pain in the ass. Honestly, there were times when I'd look at this kid and think _I dunno about this one. He's a solemn little shit._ But I figured if he could find someone who could help smooth out his rough edges, like Leia's done with me, someone who could be his balance and help him find light and laughter, he'd do okay. Honestly, I wondered if it would ever happen. But then we met you, Rey. I remember Snap's wedding. I remembering wondering what the hell was wrong with my son when he didn't bring you back around after. I'd never seen him light up for anyone they way he lit up for you. And even though I think he's an idiot for accidentally knocking you up, I have to say, I think it might be the best thing that ever happened to him. Because you're perfect for him, and I think he might be perfect for you too."

"You said you only had a couple things to say?" Ben grumbled good-naturedly when his father choked up and had to stop. Rey smiled and squeezed his hands.

"Anyway," Han forged on, composing himself. "I think I'm supposed to give you some marriage advice or something, but marriage is just a crazy train where everyone's making it up as they go along, so not sure what I can say there. You can disagree and even argue without hurting each other with your words, so just…do that. Don't hurt each other. Even when you disagree, respect each other. And that thing about never go to bed angry? That's bullshit. Sometimes you just need to sleep to get a clear head and approach a problem fresh in the morning. And you just gotta roll with life, you know? If you get too uptight about how you think things should be, you'll have conflict. Yeah. I think that's all I gotta say about that. Leia? Any advice for the kids?"

Leia laughed. "I think they'll be fine."

"Well that's not very helpful."

"Fine, if you want a piece of advice — take lots of pictures and send them to your mother so she can put them in the lake house albums," Leia said, darting past them and out the gazebo. She turned around and held up her phone, no doubt to catch the whole scene.

Han stared at her like she'd dropped her head on the way. "Leia, what the hell are you doing?"

"Don't mind me!" she called. "Everyone will be grateful to have these later. Just pretend you're in the middle of the ceremony!"

"We are!" Han sputtered.

Ben's face had flamed bright red and his eyes rolled in exasperation. Rey giggled. "This was a good idea," she said softly.

He shook his head, but a reluctant smile snuck out of him anyway. Rey knew. He thought it was as endearing as she did. Exasperating too, but when was he not treading the thin line of waning patience with his parents?

Leia came back a moment later, smiling. She lightly nudged Han. "Well? Why are you holding things up? Get on with it."

Han gave an exaggerated wince and rubbed the spot she'd nudged him tenderly. "Well there's a piece of advice for you, kids. Don't smack each other."

"Dad," Ben sighed.

Han waved at them. "Okay, okay, we're moving on. So the last thing I'm gonna say is that this little girl on the way must be something pretty special, since she managed to get her stubborn parents to climb over their hurdles and be together before she ever even arrived. I can't wait to meet her. And I'm proud to watch you three grow together. So I guess this is the part where you guys get to say some nice things to each other. Vows. Promises. Whatever. Rey, why don't you start?"

Rey sucked in an unsteady breath, lifting her gaze to meet Ben's once again, settling into the truth of what they were doing here. She'd worried all week that this moment would feel like a lot of pressure. She'd agonized over what to say, what kind of words she could give him that would convince him of how much she loved him, and loved this choice they were making. But right now, everything felt…good. Easy. Like she only needed to open her mouth, and the right words would come. The way it always was with him, she felt no pressure at all. Loving him, marrying him, was as easy as breathing.

"Ben, I feel as if we've done this a thousand times, over a thousand lifetimes," she said softly. "I have this sense that we keep falling together again and again, drawn by fate, or…something else. Whether or not that's real or just some fanciful illusion, I know that I could find my way to you again in a thousand lifetimes more and fall in love anew every single time. Because these eternal rounds will never be enough time for me understand how someone like me gets to be with someone like you. You make me feel safe. You make me feel like I matter. That I'm important. That I'm loved. I...I never thought anyone could want me like that. I never thought I could trust anyone not to leave one day. But you do want me, and I do trust you. It honestly feels like a miracle. You make me laugh, you let me cry, you let me know its okay to be myself. You're the only person who really knows me, Ben, and it's so easy to love you. You're kind. You're steady. You're strong. Being your friend has been the favorite experience of my life so far. It took me too long to recognize what you've been saying without words all these years, but I see it now. I see _us_ , and how we are meant for each other, and how we will always find each other. Because you're mine. And I'm yours."

Tears had welled up in her eyes again. She went to brush them away, but Ben did it for her, a gentle knuckle sweeping away the rogue tears that escaped. He was emotional too, she realized, and it took him a minute before he could say anything, swallowing hard, biting a trembling lip. His hands shook in hers and the brilliant aureate light glimmered in the unspilled shine of his own eyes.

Finally he found his voice, though it was soft and ragged. "Whenever I look at you, Rey, I become convinced that whatever divine hand made the human soul slipped and carved mine in two. And I've been searching for you since that day. I felt inexplicably alone all my life, and I was pretty sure it would always be that way for me, until I met you. You were nothing like I expected and everything that I needed. It felt good to be needed by you, too. And maybe it would have been enough, to go on being your friend forever. But now we're here together, taking this step and getting ready to welcome someone else into our adventure, and I realize it wouldn't have been enough at all. I will always be your friend, Rey, and I will always try to make you feel safe and that you matter. Because you _are_ important. And you _are_ loved. And I will earn your trust every day, because I'm not going anywhere. You're right. We belong to each other. And when I'm with you... I feel whole."

Rey was crying again, and Ben was losing it too, whatever else he might have said swallowed up in a rush of emotion that stole the breath from his throat. She could hear Han and Leia sniffling. They were all a mess. This was a mess.

"Well it's a damn good thing nobody else is here to witness this blubfest," Han said after a weepy minute, his voice thick but wry and amused anyway.

It broke the tension. They all laughed and wiped their faces.

Han shook his head, taking a deep breath. "So this is the part where I say Ben Solo, do you take Rey Johnson to be your lawfully wedded wife, to keep forever, with all that mushy stuff that goes with it and that you'll promise again more formally when we do this over in eight months?"

Ben chuckled. "I do."

"And Rey Johnson, do you take this moof Ben Solo to be your lawfully wedded husband, to keep forever — no take-backs! We don't accept returns— with all that mushy stuff that goes with it and that you'll promise again more formally when we do this over in eight months?"

Rey grinned. "Of course I do."

"Well then by the power vested in me by the internet and this random church and the state, I now pronounce you husband and wife. Ben, you can kiss your bride."

Ben barely let the words leave his father's mouth before he had hold of her, cradling the back of her head in one hand, the other at the small of her back, his lips on hers in breathless, exhilarated wonder. Rey's mind spun happily into nothingness and effervescent joy. She'd kissed Ben a hundred times by now, but it had never felt like this. He kept it PG for the sake of his parents, yet secretly, in the buzzing energy between them, she could feel him brimming with promise, his lips tender yet desperate in their fervor.

Han and Leia applauded and immediately popped a bottle of that de-alcoholised champagne Rey and Leia had picked out earlier in the week.

Ben and Rey signed the certificate Han produced and signed himself. "This is the only part the state cares about," he joked. "This is the real wedding right here."

Leia took another picture.

They toasted the new union. Everyone agreed they'd all be much better composed for the public wedding in the spring. After all, that was mere theater. The truth had happened here, and it was too intimate to share with everyone else. Leia cried again and hugged them both and expressed her happiness.

"But did you have to call him a _moof_ , Han?" she lamented after detangling herself from them, rounding on her husband. "In a special moment like that?"

"It's a term of affection!" Han defended. "How's the kid gonna know I love him if I don't call him some name?"

Ben laughed. "It's true, Mom. I never expected him to be one hundred percent serious. In fact, it would have been weird if he was."

"You were perfect," Rey told him happily.

Han's chest puffed out and his chin lifted. "See, honey? I did fine."

Leia rolled her eyes, laughed, and kissed his cheek. "You're the moof, dear."

"I mean, I won't argue that." He grinned, and then his attention flashed cheekily to Ben and Rey. "Hey, you two get out of here. I'm gonna dance in the twilight with my wife."

Ben didn't need to be told twice. He took Rey's hand and drew her attention, an eager smile toying at the corner of his lips, an unmistakeable glint in his eye. "You ready?"

For this little honeymoon. For this first adventure as husband and wife. For every everything that would come. Rey had never been more ready.

"Yes."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Next up, is it still called smut if you're married now?


	19. And Seal the Secret with Fire

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> honeymoon smut

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Moving is a pain. Thanks for being patient with me. Here's some monstrously long, lightly kinky married smut for your enjoyment.
> 
> Mild TW: Brief mention of recreational drug use. Also, if you want to know specifically what kink this chapter contains, hop to the notes at the end. I'll update the fic with the tag after the chapter has been up for a few days to avoid spoilers.

**CHAPTER NINETEEN:**

**And Seal the Secret with Fire**

* * *

"So is it a rental?"

"Not exactly."

"What does that mean?"

"Remember Uncle Lando?"

Rey laughed. "You honestly think I could forget?"

That bizarre trip into the desert to take furniture to a man Ben said was his dad's brother, even though Han didn't have any siblings, would forever live in Rey's mind as a surreal fever dream. Not only breaking down and spending the night under the stars with Ben, but the rest of it too. Meeting the eccentric man with his ridiculously fancy clothes, his little oasis in the middle of steep alien cliffs and sweeping plateaus, cactus standing eerie sentinel all around. If the landscape hadn't been strange enough, Lando offered them peyote. Rey had never done psychedelics before, and she still didn't know what compelled her to agree to them then, but she did. Ben did too. Lando put on a Grateful Dead album and the three of them sank into vibrant visions. Ben never really did tell her much about the details of his trip, just some vague mentions of misbehaving cacti and opening an avocado to find a rainbow world inside.

When she was really in the thick of it, Rey wandered away from both men, chasing the brilliant colors of sunset in the desert, drowning in deep reds and golds and purples, her whole soul vibrating in time with the music of the spheres. She experienced so many things that night, but the one that stuck with her most was how all her rage at being abandoned, her hate for her foster family, her desperate need to protect herself — all of it drained out into the soil of the desert. She saw each painful day scratched out in a march of endless tally marks, and with a swipe of her hand, she erased them all. She stood over the grave of her past and dropped the last dusty, sandy soil over it. When Ben found her a mile away from Lando's house, he told her she looked like she was made of light. She told him she was okay now. Everything was all better. They went back and ate food that didn't seem to want to stay on their plates and watched the colors of _Sugar Magnolia_ drip out of the stereo speakers.

Things were different after that. She found it a little easier to live despite her trauma. Like it didn't have such a harsh grip on her as before. And she'd seen Ben a little differently after that too. As if somehow he had shared in her catharsis.

"I mean, I'll never forget it, but I didn't want to assume," Ben chuckled, bringing her back from the memory of that crazy night. "So Lando plays in these really high stakes poker games. Like with billionaires and stuff. He's pretty good. When he wins, he wins big. And he won this place."

Rey's eyes widened and she glanced over at him. He kept his eyes on the road, but his plush lips twitched into a little grin.

"People can win _houses_?"

"Yeah. In his case, a luxury cabin happily situated on ten mountain acres."

"And it just sits empty?"

"Basically. Lando prefers the desert. He visits it maybe once a year. When I asked if I could use it, he wanted to know why I'd never asked before."

"Why haven't you?"

He shrugged. "Never saw a reason. My parents have their lake house if I want to get away from the city. And it seemed weird to come here by myself."

The winding dirt road plunging through a thick forest finally opened up into a little clearing. Gleaming white trunked aspens and fluffy proud pines surrounded the clearing, their leaves and needles fluttering in a crisp mountain breeze. The cabin set nestled in this pretty spot, a beautiful construction of both split logs and stonework. But Rey barely glanced at it because her attention immediately zeroed in on a glittering creek snaking through the clearing, sunlight sparkling over the shallow, babbling water. She sucked in a sharp breath and watched it intently as they pulled up.

She barely waited until the car came to a complete stop before she was out the door and flying over the soft loamy ground towards it. Well — flying as best she could, anyway. Her body was a bit more waddle and bit less grace these days, but she hardly cared about that right now. All that mattered was getting to that deliciously crystal clear water skimming lightly over a glossy pebbled creek bed. Somewhere along the way her shoes came flying off and when she got to the edge, she waded in without ceremony, savoring the icy burn of fresh glacial water engulfing her feet, up to a few inches above her ankles.

She laughed in delight, turning to see if her new husband had followed.

Husband. God, what a weird word to apply to _Ben_.

He came, though at a much slower pace, meandering to her with a funny look on his face. He stopped at the edge of the creek bed, folding his arms over his vast chest, and smirked.

"You're not cold? That water is pure snow melt."

She scoffed. "Cold. As if a little bit of circulation loss could stop me."

"I didn't realize you could go so feral for mountain streams."

"I didn't realize you've been holding out on me this whole time, with a pretty little spot like this in your back pocket." She motioned to the sun-dappled wilderness around her, and then to the cabin itself. It was a beautiful thing, all windows and lights and warm woods and weathered stone, just small enough to fall on the side of charming instead of ostentatious.

Ben hummed in thought. "Well, before today, you didn't qualify."

"Qualify?"

"The only person who gets to come here, or even know about this place, is my wife." A sly smile stole over his face just before he turned away and started sauntering towards the cabin.

Despite the icy water around her feet, Rey's face felt suddenly hot. "Hey! Where are you going? Get in here. It feels nice."

"I'll take your word for it," he called over his shoulder.

She scrambled after him, scooping up her shoes on the way in one awkward motion as she hastened to catch up to his long strides. "Going inside already? Looks like there's a lot to explore out here."

"There's a lot to explore in there too."

"Really?" She considered the cabin, glassy windows reflecting the vibrant shades of white and green of the aspen grove. Cute as it was, it didn't really look big enough to contain _that_ many mysteries.

Ben's tone was coy. "Mm-hmm. You'll see."

"What about our bags?" she asked, glancing back at the car.

He took her hand and pulled her along, up the stone steps to the wide sprawling deck and the door centered at the back of it. "I'll get them later."

"Oh. Kind of eager, aren't you?"

"You could say that."

He braced the screen door open with his body, unlocked the handle, and pushed the inner door all the way open. Before Rey could walk through, however, he put an arm against the frame and blocked her, tsk'ing in disapproval.

"Now, now, we've thwarted almost every tradition today, let's at least respect this one."

Before Rey could ask him what the hell he was talking about, he bent forward and scooped her up, somehow maneuvering her unwieldy frame into his arms. She squeaked and looped her arms around his neck for support. With swift, confident footsteps, he carried her over the threshold and into the cool interior of the cabin. He didn't even sway against her new proportions, which was wildly impressive considering Rey herself felt unbalanced all the time. When they got inside, he gently set her back onto her feet, pressing a kiss into her forehead.

She laughed, winding her fingers into the fabric of his shirt and pulling him back in before he could get away. "Isn't that supposed to be the thing you do when we get our first home?"

"I'll do that too," he promised, soft and low. "Soon."

His hands skated down her back, pressing her in closer to him, nuzzling his nose against her hair. Rey tipped her head up and brushed her lips just beneath his jaw. "Hey, show me the house."

A low rumble moved through his chest. "I'm going to have to work harder to distract you."

She laughed, lightly pulled away from him. "I'm excited!"

"So am I," he said, letting her go with a sigh. "But not for the house."

Still, he showed her around. The tour was short, but amazing. The cabin had a living room with huge windows overlooking the creek and the forest, a fireplace, a big fluffy sectional sofa, and huge bookshelves filled with a wide variety of genres. There was a sleek modern kitchen, boasting a gas range and gleaming black pots with copper coated interiors hung next to a very expensive-looking stainless steel fridge. There was a little bedroom, furnished simply and modestly, attached to a small bathroom on the main level.

Rey decided the cabin was quaint and cozy. The huge windows gave her the unmistakable feeling of being outside, even while being sheltered inside. A lovely feeling, really. She was about to collapse happily onto the fluffy sectional when Ben caught her hand and pulled her back from it.

"We're not done yet," he murmured softly, his voice so low it made her shiver. There was mischief written into the familiar lines of his face, the twitch at the corner of his luscious lips.

"We're not? What else is there?"

"I'll show you." He tugged her over to the bookshelf. "Whoever owned this place before Uncle Lando must've had a flair for the dramatic. It's the only way I can explain this."

Running his fingers over the spines of the books contemplatively, he paused at a particular title. It was a worn out copy of _We Have Always Lived in the Castle_.

"Have you read that?" Rey remarked as his finger hovered above it in hesitation.

"No."

"Horrible," she sighed. "Wonderfully written. Chilling ending, though."

He hummed in reply, tugging the top of the spine out towards him so that the book dropped onto its binding. Somewhere there was a click. Ben grabbed hold of the book and pushed it to the side, the whole book case sliding against an angled track to push in behind its neighbor, revealing, to Rey's astonished excitement, a staircase curving up and away inside the wall.

She gasped. "You weren't kidding about the dramatic part."

Ben smirked, took her hand again, and tugged her up the stairs. "I wasn't."

The staircase spiraled up in a twist of tantalizing mystery, and Rey positively _buzzed_ with anticipation as they rapidly ascended. Ben went quickly, apparently just as eager as she was.

The top opened up to the biggest bedroom Rey had ever seen. The vaulted timber roof framed huge panels of glass, making the whole room feel as if it were opened to the sky. Dusky purple twilight arced overheard. The room itself was a full suite, with a collection of cushions and loveseats arranged tidily in a conversation pit and an _enormous_ bed taking a place of honor centered along one wall — it was way bigger than a king. Rey had no idea what you'd call a bed that big. She could see into a glittering bathroom on one end with an impressive shower, a sparkly glass box big enough for two with plenty of heads to spray water from all directions, and a stone bench set against one wall.

But it was the other side of the room that most intrigued her.

"What is _that_?" she gasped.

Because the far side of the room was made entirely of glass, except for one wall which held a cascade of stones forming a chimney flu and a fireplace. At the base of this fireplace sprawled a _pool_. Or a hot tub. Or the biggest bathtub Rey had ever seen. It was buried into the floor so that one had to descent steps to get into it, and the sapphire water, set over sleek dark blue tiles, ran all the way to the windows, providing unbroken views of the forest round it.

"It's not too hot," Ben assured her gently. "I came yesterday after work to make sure the temperature was safe."

Her eyes illuminated. She hadn't been able to get in a hot tub — not that she'd wanted to, with how blazingly sweaty she felt all summer — in ages, so the idea of lounging in this tiny pool in a secret room in the middle of the forest was too much to resist.

"I didn't bring a swimsuit," she realized with a pang of regret.

A full, surprised laugh escaped Ben. "Why on earth would you need a suit?"

When she realized what he meant, she blushed. "Oh. But I don't think you want to see me waddling around her without one."

"Trust me," he said. His voice dropped low. "That's exactly what I want."

"But I'm—"

"You're perfect." He smoothed his palm over her bump, a hungry look in his eye.

It was so hard to resent the new shape of her body for very long with Ben there constantly turned on by it. It made her feel sexy as hell, the way he looked at her now. She tugged her lip between her teeth and barely managed to suppress her smile, gaze falling as she failed to find any further protest.

He pulled her into him and kissed her once, gently. "Let me help you get out of these things so you can enjoy the tub and I can enjoy the view."

"Uh, no, you're coming in there with me."

"All the better to get a closer look," he smirked, fingers finding the zipper at the back of her dress. He drew it down in a long, slow side, tugging the white lace sleeves off her shoulders. She threaded her arms through and dropped the fabric over her bump, letting it puddle at her feet. Ben rumbled his approval, grasping at the back of her neck, using a thumb to push her jaw up and hold her to him while he dipped down to press soft hot kisses just under her ear. Shivers ran down Rey's spine and a shaky exhale shuddered out of her.

"Ah," she breathed. " _This_ is the part you wanted to show me."

"Mm-hmm," he affirmed, too consumed in his task to lift his head to speak.

One of his hands wrapped around her waist, splaying out over the small of her back. He held her against him as he pushed her backwards — to what, she had no idea. Her fingers worked down the ladder of his buttons, slipping each through its loop one by one.

He palmed over one of her breasts, gently squeezing it through the padding of her bra. She'd actually worn a good one today — lately underwires had been irritating the hell out of her and she required only the most forgiving, most comfortable of boob traps. But this evening was a special occasion, so she'd worn a good one.

Not that it entirely mattered right now. Ben didn't seem interested in investigating it, merely groping her through it. He finally got her back against the wall, barely shrugging out of his now open shirt before he pinned her against it and kissed her hard. Like he'd been desperate for it. A much fiercer version than the chaste one in his parent's gazebo. Rey saw stars. His lips greeted hers in a hungry, devouring slide, exacting everything she had to give. It was all she could do to keep up.

Leveraging herself back against the wall, she wrapped her legs around his waist and he stepped forward, pushing her up until her head was above him, and through the crackling haze of her thoughts she marveled that they could do this — that there was still room — with a bowling ball between them. But Ben's body was huge, and he could still swallow her whole, hold her up like it was nothing.

They'd never done this before. Not in this way. Rey's heart thundered so hard in her chest she thought it might break free. Adrenaline and arousal coursed through her on heady currents. He was moving fast, madness and desire dripping from his every touch. She ground down against his slacks, still three layers of fabric too many between them, but he growled appreciatively anyway and hitched his hips into her. He broke away from her lips with a gasp and moved his attention to her chest, licking and nipping the skin there, drawing chills and shivers with all his movements. One hand braced himself against the wall next to her, the other squeezing the round globe of one ass cheek. He trailed kisses along the exposed swell of each breast.

There was a fire here that hadn't existed before. A heat, no longer content to simmer beneath the surface. Rey felt dragged down into it, helplessly burning. And oh, it was an exquisite way to die.

Ben wrapped an arm around her securely, pulling away from the wall. She couldn't get close enough to him to hang on tight enough, so she let her legs drop. He didn't set her all the way down, though, crowding her back towards the bed on her toes.

"You…" she said breathily, trying to bring her spinning mind back into focus. "You don't want to…in the pool?"

"We'll get to that," he rumbled as he give the back of her bra an expert twist, unlatching the clasps in one practiced movement so it popped open. "This first."

Throwing it aside and peeling down her underwear in an efficient roll, he picked her up and deposited her gently on the huge bed, up against the fortress of pillows. She scooted up a bit, into a semi-reclined position. He unbuckled, unbuttoned, and slid his pants over his narrow hips, stepping smoothly out of them before joining her on the bed. His boxer briefs were already tented. This brief pause did nothing to diminish the force of his passion when he rejoined her, drawn to her lips like magnet to metal. It was like falling in slow motion and flying headlong into a burning wreckage all at the same time, like everything was too much and not enough. For the first time ever, Rey realized how much he'd been holding back all this time. How he'd respected the boundaries they'd thrown up to protect their friendship, how he'd managed to make her feel incredible without ever letting any of his flames touch her. Now he didn't hold back anything. He _consumed_.

His hands were everywhere she needed them to be, applying the right touch at the right time, trailing under a breast, rolling over a nipple, gliding up her thigh, slicking through her wet seam, holding her hip, grazing a thumb under her chin, tilting her into him. He took and took and _took_ , and the more he pulled from her body, the more she had to give. She licked into his mouth, greeting his tongue with her own, teasing along his teeth. Her fingers played along the vast stretch of muscles in his back, over his chest, wherever she could touch him. When she skimmed down to clutch his muscled cheek, he groaned and bucked into her hip.

"Ben," she sighed hungrily.

He shifted himself down, bracing on one arm so he could dip his head to her breast and draw one plump nipple into his mouth. He laved his tongue over it a few times, teasing her, rolling over it with broad swipes that made her squirm. She gasped and arched her back. They'd been so sensitive lately, she hadn't been able to handle much aggressive stimulation like this. But right now she loved it. Wanted more of it. _More_.

Ben gave a hard, needy suck — and jerked in surprise, releasing her with a wet pop and a huff of air, eyes wide.

Rey was startled right out of her haze of ecstasy. "Are you okay?"

"Um…" Pink bloomed over his cheekbones, coloring the tips of his ears. His tongue peeked out, running over his lower lip, as if catching a lingering flavor. "Um…"

She sat up. "Ben, what?"

"I think you're — I think I got—" He shook his head. Swallowing, he gently thumbing over her nipple again. He pinched the base of it and gave a gentle test squeeze. Little pearls of a whitish, clearish liquid beaded up like drops of dew. Rey gasped. Ben blushed harder still. "Yeah. That's what I got."

"You…" Oh _god_. Embarrassment made her throw her arms over herself, covering her leaking breasts as a shiver worked through her. He'd _tasted_ that? "I'm — I'm sorry. I didn't know. That's not supposed to happen, is it?"

"Hey, it's fine." He gently pulled her arms away again, eyes warm and tender even as the color in his cheeks remained. "It's okay. First of all, don't apologize, it's not like you have any say in the matter. And second of all, I think it's normal."

He seemed to be recovering from his shock quickly, curiosity and intrigue overtaking the initial flush of color. With a soft hand he guided her back down against the pillows and applied a kitten lick to the beaded bud, swiping away what he'd expressed with his fingers. Rey's stomach tightened. He glanced up at her with a suddenly wicked glint in his eye. His tongue swiped over her once more before he took her back into his mouth and gave another fierce draw. Rey's head fell back, a hand flying up to fist in his hair as the strangest, darkest feeling of arousal shuddered through her. It was too much, what he was doing. Too strange. Too sinfully pleasurable. She wanted him to stop. But also, she didn't want that at all. She wanted him to do this forever. It confused and inflamed her and made her so, _so wet_.

When he switched to her other breast, a hand now gliding down her swell to dip into her scorching heat, she felt the growing threat of a release building faster now, low in her groin. Without the least bit of resistance, he slid two fingers into her while his thumb grazed up through sopping folds to roll the sensitive nub at her apex. Rey's hand in his hair tightened and she clutched him hard to her, a plaintive noise escaping her. He gave another hard suck as he pressed up into that spongy spot deep inside her, and Rey cried out, her orgasm erupting suddenly and ferociously in _strong_ spasms that felt like booming fireworks erupting inside her. The muscles of her core clenched around his fingers rhythmically, trying to draw him in further.

But Ben didn't give her much time to recover. He let go of her breast with a soothing, apologetic lick and then kissed his way back up her sternum, hastily freeing himself and getting between her legs. He hitched her legs up, bending them at the knee. Leaning between them, he braced himself with one hand while the other guided his shaft through her folds, grinding into her raw, overstimulated clit a few times. His gaze was intense, dark eyes brimming with that same insatiable hunger as before, against the wall.

Ben had never looked at her like that. It was an approximation of the possessiveness he'd always betrayed when they were together, but this was so much _more_.

"What is it?" she asked softly, gliding her fingers over the side of his face.

"Do you understand?" he murmured, inhaling in a sharp breath when he teased the hot hollow of her with his tip. "Do you get it now?"

"Get what?"

"That you're _mine."_ With a growl and a strong surge of his hips, he pushed into her in one long, stretching stroke.

The intensity of that entry drew a desperate moan out of her, gasping, panting breaths trying to replace it. Ben gave a few rough thrusts, head hanging heavily above her so that his hair fell against his cheeks, bestial growls tumbling through his chest. The hand on her thigh moved down to her slit, thumbing over her clit once.

" _This_ is mine," he said, pressing down on it until she cried out. He let her go, his hand sliding up the swell of her middle between them. "And _this_ is mine," he told her, his hand hot on the tight skin of her stomach. His fingers trailed over her ravaged nipple next, circling it, squeezing it, wicking away the wet that pearled there. "And these are mine." Carefully, carefully, he leaned over her, his hips slowing to leave him still and buried deep as he kissed her forehead, her cheek. "All of you belongs to me. My wife." Her lips. "And all of me belongs to you. I'm yours."

"Yes, mine," she gasped, hips rolling, fingernails pressing into his skin. She wanted to hug him tight to her, to hold all of this ridiculous, possessive, gorgeous, caring man against her body, against her heart. But she couldn't. He'd crush her, and she really couldn't be crushed right now. Tears of emotion skated traitorously down the sides of her face, puddling in her ears. She leaned up and kissed him back, overwhelmed anew that this was her life, and that she was _this_ loved. He could say these things and claim ownership over her because she trusted him enough to freely give them. She was safe with him. _God_ , how was anyone supposed to contain love this strong? What did she do with it?

He pulled out of her long enough to move one of her legs to the other side of his body, rolling her onto her side, falling in beside her and pulling her into his chest. He maneuvered back into her, sheathing himself until his balls were snug against her body, his arms wrapped around her in a full embrace. His huge body enveloped her like a security blanket, making her feel safe and warm. He bent his head to nibble at her shoulder.

"I love you, Ben," she whispered unsteadily.

"I know." The words rumbled against her back, echoing through her whole body. She ground down against him, tilting her hips to work him in and out a little. He took the hint, sliding his meaty length out of her and pushing it back in, long, toe-curling strokes that made her whimper and melt into him.

This part was familiar. If she closed her eyes and just focused on the feeling of him pumping methodically, lips worrying some patch of skin fascinating him, his hands holding her down tight, she could almost forget that this wasn't just some intense but casual hookup. The kind that she used to tell herself didn't mean anything. The kind that got them in trouble. That led them here.

But she couldn't forget. Because the ferocity with which he clutched her to him reminded her that the man grinding into her wasn't her friend anymore. He was her husband. And the newness of that knowledge thrilled her.

It didn't take them long to climb towards a mutual ruin. Ben must have been worked up this whole time, because his normal stamina was compromised. Before long he lost all control, shifting his body so that he worked over her, one of her legs up on his shoulder, thrusting with the desperate intensity of a man unable to help himself. It sent Rey careening over the edge, and Ben right along with her, a flood of endorphins and excruciating pleasure accompanying the thick pulses of him unloading into her depths. He groaned, she gasped, and they shuddered together into oblivion.

"Fuck," he panted softly after a dazed handful of seconds. He pulled out and dropped down next to her, face to face this time. He pressed a kiss to her forehead. "I don't know if I'll ever get enough of that."

She laughed softly. "Well you just signed up for a lifetime of it, buddy, so I guess we'll find out."

He nuzzled into her hair, and issued a deep, contented sigh. "That's the best thing I've ever heard. A lifetime."

"More, actually, if the religious folks are right." She pressed a finger to the end of his nose. Her voice felt ragged and hoarse. "Are you sure you're up for that?"

He caught her hand, gave the end of that finger a kiss. "Very sure."

His thick contribution was leaking out of her now, collecting on her thigh, trickling onto the bedspread. Rey winced at the idea of such a nice duvet getting so spoiled, but she didn't mention it to Ben. She knew he liked that sort of thing. The weirdo.

"I should get you some dinner," he murmured softly, trailing some of her hair back from her forehead. "You need to eat."

"If I eat too much this late I'll get heartburn." She glanced up at the glass ceiling above them, observing the dark indigo sky. Having a cantaloupe crowding her stomach up against her esophagus had given her an unwanted acquaintance with nocturnal acid aching in her ribs and clawing at her throat. Just another of the things she was eager to be done with.

"A snack, then."

She nodded. "Okay. A snack."

He kissed her once on the mouth, and once on the top of her swell before sitting up and scooting off the enormous bed. She sat up too, admiring the tight muscles of his ass as he sauntered over to the fireplace and clicked it on, brilliant flames licking to life within the stone hearth. He grabbed a towel from beside the little pool and wrapped it around his waist before he turned around.

"Get in," he told her, motioning to the water. "I'll bring the food up here."

With that, he vanished down the spiral staircase. Rey maneuvered to the edge of the bed and went to the bathroom first, taking care of hygiene first. She gave her areola another test squeeze and shivered with a strange twist in her gut when more pearls of liquid appeared. Weird, weird, _weird_. Everything about pregnancy had her just on the edge of freaking out so much of the time, she shouldn't be surprised that this too unnerved her. She quickly wiped it away and tried to put it out of her mind, wondering vaguely instead when she'd be able to see below her belly again.

After she finished in the bathroom, Rey padded over to the pool. It was both exciting and incredibly awkward, standing before the dark windows stark naked, even knowing they were acres and acres deep into the property, far away from prying eyes. Still, she found the light switch and killed the lights before actually getting in the pool to give herself a better feeling of privacy.

Slipping beneath the water was bliss. It wasn't the same as leaping into Ben's parent's pool in the blazing heat of summer. This wasn't that kind of refreshing relief. If possible, this was somehow better. More welcoming, more relaxing. The water was just barely on the right side of too warm. The glow and heat from the fire gave the little oasis a cozy, sensual feeling. Rey melted into the water, loving the weightlessness that eased the pressure on her body, the way her muscles loosened and relaxed. She swam to the far edge, to the window, propping her arms up on the side and stared out into the deepening gloom.

This was a strange place. A curious, secluded little mystery tucked into the aspens. It didn't seem like it should be real.

Which made it entirely appropriate for Lando, a man who didn't seem quite real himself. Sometimes Rey honestly wondered if he was as imaginary as the peyote-induced hallucinations she'd seen the night they met him.

Still, just like that bizarre night, she felt the magic of this place getting under her skin anyway. She was enchanted. She couldn't imagine honeymooning anywhere else. No one could bother them here. They could explore the woods and wade in the stream and unriddle the mystery of this strange house. But above all, they could do what they just did again and again — and again. She couldn't wait.

Within her, Olive stirred. A jab. A stretch. This one made Rey wince.

"Oh," Ben said in mild surprise when he got back up the stairs, a platter in hand. "I see you've set the mood already."

Rey turned around, her heart skipping at the sight of her ridiculously attractive husband standing there in the firelight, only a towel preserving his modesty. The shadows enhanced his dark hair and dark eyes, the light played off his broad, hairless chest.

"Hey Ben?" she said, biting her lip in shy hesitation as she slid under the water until it lapped against her chin.

He set the platter of fruits, crackers, and cheese down next to the fireplace. "hm?"

"Hey, um, I don't know if I've ever told you, but you're really, _really_ hot."

He smirked, straightened, and whipped his towel off with a dramatic flourish. "I know, baby."

God, even flaccid he was ridiculously well hung. Rey laughed. "You ass."

He lowered himself into the pool and glided over to her, smooth as silk. "I'm kidding. You don't know what it does to me, hearing that from you."

His hands found her waist. She laughed, wrapped her legs over him and her arms around his neck. "I might have some idea."

"You do?" He leaned his forehead against hers, inhaling slowly. "Hm. Maybe you do."

He walked them over to the plate of food.

"So tell me more about this place. Would your parents sleep up here and you'd sleep downstairs when you guys would come?" she asked, reaching for a cluster of grapes.

"My parents?" He set her down, and she discovered a bench set into the side of the tub She curled up on it, arms propped up out of the water on the side, bathed in the warmth of the fireplace.

"My parents have never been here," he said. "Thankfully. They don't even know about it. I wanted to bring you somewhere that was just ours. A place that had nothing to do with them."

Rey thrilled a little at the knowledge that they were hidden away from the world. No one knew where they were. Perhaps that was a proper beginning to a horror film, but she was petty sure it only meant good things for them in this case. "How do they not know about it?"

"Lando doesn't trust my dad not to try to win it from him. He's won a lot from Lando over the years. I'm not sure if he's a better poker player, or if he's a cheat."

Rey laughed. Ben settled in next to her, one arm out of the pool, picking at crackers and cheese, the other arm in the water, hand roaming idly over her bump.

"I didn't know your dad was a card shark," she said.

"The only reason he doesn't play in those high stakes games Lando plays in is my mom. She made him stop gambling when they got married, worried he'd squander her family fortune."

"Smart," Rey decided.

"I agree," said Ben. It was comfortably silent between them for a minute, and then he asked softly. "Are you alright?"

"Why wouldn't I be?"

"I meant with...with what happened..." His hand drifted up, brushing lightly over her breast again. "I got a little carried away. I hope I didn't make you uncomfortable."

"I would have told you if I was uncomfortable." She grinned, snatching the cracker out of his other hand before he got it to his mouth. She took a small bite. "I know you get carried away, but I know too that you'd stop immediately if I told you I didn't like something."

"So you… _did_ like it?" Ben asked in soft surprise, reaching for another cracker.

She hoped the firelight hid the blush stealing over her cheeks. "Um…I guess I wouldn't mind if you…if you did it again."

He blushed too, that same ridiculous color riding high on his cheekbones again. He looked away, off into the night, his hand returning to her belly, adding after a minute. "I'd like to."

It was a ridiculous thing for them to be embarrassed about, really. Rey knew this. She knew that he'd liberally drunk from her chalice without the least degree of hesitation for _years_ now. If those particular fluids didn't bother him, why would this new production specifically _meant_ for ingestion bother him? But for some reason it was different. Really, really different. She wasn't sure what to do with the funny feeling that such a weirdly intimate act produced in her. That it wasn't meant for him, but she chose to let him take it anyway — it was both intensely strange and intensely arousing and yes, she very much wanted that to happen again.

Lost in a surge of affection, she scooted into him, forgetting the snacks for a minute so she could lean forward and plant a kiss on his rosy cheek.

He looked at her in surprise. "You missed."

She laughed, seized his face with both hands, and kissed him again, on the lips this time. "I love you, Ben Solo."

"And I love you, Rey Solo," he murmured against her mouth, and his lips beneath hers spread into a huge smile. "Wow. That feels kind of great to say."

She nuzzled into his neck. "It's weird for me. Might take some getting used to."

"I'm happy to say it as often as you need to hear it."

* * *

**BEN**

* * *

Ben couldn't have said what time it was when they finally went to bed that night. Neither of them had any notion of time. The secret suite didn't have a single clock anywhere, and Ben couldn't have been less interested in his phone if it had been made of stone. He didn't care how late it was, knowing it didn't matter how long they slept in the morning.

And anyway, he was far, far too in love with this day to let it end.

So he clung to it for as as long as he could. He kissed Rey in the pool for a long time, making out like a couple of sexed up teenagers, hoping to coax enough of his testosterone back into production for a second release before sleep. But his body seemed content to just attend to her mouth and nothing more for the time being. When they were both sufficiently pruned, they got out, dried off, extinguished the fireplace, and went to bed. He was glad she didn't bother with pajamas. He didn't either. It felt so good having her body snuggled up to his, warm skin against warm skin. They stared up at a brilliantly starry sky arching over their little refuge from the world. It reminded him so much of that night in the desert in the back of the truck. The same peace radiated softly through him now as did then.

He loved her. It was as simple as that. But for all its simplicity, it left a profound wake right through the core of him. Even long after she finally dozed off, her soft snores filling the air, he lay awake and marveling at the wide rift she'd carved into his heart. She was the only one who fit there. It belonged to her. And he couldn't quite make himself believe that any of this was real. That she was here, and she was his, and they'd really done what they did today.

Rey cried easily these days, and she'd shed plenty of tears today too. Ben had tried harder to keep it together, but he was a man of sweeping passions and it was damn near impossible not to tear up at every moment this day had brought. He'd lost it a little during the ceremony, and he was losing it a little bit now, holding her sleeping form close, staring up at the stairs and feeling the magnitude of it all crash down on him. He couldn't help it when his vision blurred and the next blink knocked loose a few tears. He turned and pressed his cheek into her hair, letting them get lost in the soft familiar down of her head. He swallowed hard and tried to pull himself together.

At the place where her rounded middle was pressed against him, he felt movement. A knock against him from inside her. He lightly rested his hand there, not wanting to wake her, but wanting to acknowledge the greeting of his daughter. Even from here, he could feel how the baby moved and rolled. His chest ached, with longing to see her, with that flicker of fear, with an impossible amount of love.

"I married your mama today, little one," he said, his voice barely a whisper in the stillness. "Can you believe it?"

A nudge against his hand made him fantasize that she really could understand, even though he knew better.

"I've got you both, baby. We're going to be okay."

Rey sighed, stirred, made a soft little noise and snuggled deeper into him. His hand slid away from her stomach, over her waist, holding her close.

It took him a long time to fall asleep.

The morning seemed old and bright when they finally woke, the sun high enough to suggest it might not be morning for very much longer at all. Rey was tangled up with him — squirming a bit against his leg. When he realized what she was doing, his eyes popped open in surprise. He pushed his thigh up, and she ground down against it, sliding her surprisingly wet cleft against him.

"Good morning," he chuckled, glancing down at her. "Can I help you with something?"

Her fingers splayed out over his chest, her head tipping up to meet him. Her cheeks were flushed, eyes glittering and alert. "I went to the bathroom and couldn't go back to sleep."

She was getting up more frequently. Usually he woke when she left the bed, but he hadn't felt her stir even once last night, so this news surprised him. He reached between them, pressing a couple fingers down into whatever space he could find between his thigh and her crotch. "And being awake made you horny?"

She gave a breathless laugh, squirming against his hand. "Being in this strange place naked with you and realizing you're sporting impressive morning wood made me horny."

Ben didn't mind waking up like this at all. He hummed his approval, caressing her slick folds, nudging that very morning wood against her waist. Her fingers went to him, gliding along his length with touches that made him shiver.

Her stomach growled loudly, and they both stilled as the sound went on and on, their eyes widening together. Rey laughed.

"I think you might be hungry," he observed, amused.

"Yeah," she admitted. "Starving."

He pulled his hand away from her heat, sucking them clean with a savory smack, and the rolled away from her to go find breakfast.

But she was up in a flash, pushing him back down against the mattress, deceptively strong. "Where the fuck do you think you're going, sir?"

"To make you food," he protested as she straddled him, hands firmly pinning his shoulders down. His own wrapped around her forearm.

"Just wait five minutes, Mister Provider. I'm not going to starve to death in the time it takes you to fuck me silly."

Ben lifted his hips, nudging against her crack. "Are you sure? I'm not really a five minute kind of person."

She rolled her eyes and laughed. "I'm sure."

"Do you want to mess around or go straight for home?" He cupped her swaying breasts, tweaking her nipples, and remembered how unbelievably erotic it was yesterday when he'd discovered her colostrum. He'd never thought he'd be into that sort of thing. But...yeah. He was. He very much was.

"We've got all the time in the world for messing around," she said. "Right now I just really need you."

"Okay then." Ben wasn't going to protest an efficient morning quickie. But if she wanted to be fucked silly, this wasn't the way to do it. So he took her hands and guided her off him, disentangling himself from her legs. "Hands and knees, little mama," he instructed.

Rey eagerly complied, spreading her thighs wide enough apart to accommodate the drop of her swell, hips wriggling a little in a subtle _come-hither_. Ben didn't need any more invitation than that, positioning himself behind her. He pulled her hips back against him, rubbing his shaft between her soaked lips.

Morning dalliances were rare for them. Mostly because before, when they were just friends, they didn't usually spend the night together. After everything changed and she'd started more or less living with him, she didn't usually feel great in the mornings. Over her second trimester they'd done it a couple of times. But Ben often had to leave for work in a bit of a rush — wanting to savor every last second in bed with her that he could and — things just usually didn't work out.

His cock approved of this pleasant surprise, rock hard and aching with only the _promise_ of a good tumble ahead.

Ben sheathed himself fully inside her in only a couple efficient, careful pushes. Rey groaned in appreciation, pressing backwards against him, head dropping to the mattress so her sounds were muffled. He ran a soothing hand over her bum, feeling her pulse and clench around him in ways that made his teeth grind with pleasure.

He'd done some reading. They said it was a myth that birth permanently stretched out a woman's vagina. They said it was wonderfully elastic and would go back, perhaps never to virgin-tight again, but certainly very tight. Ben decided he didn't get to be anything but enthusiastic over however it turned out for Rey. Still, the part that he actively silenced, that selfishly _male_ part of him, hoped it would always feel like this — snug, gut-wrenchingly snug. A perfect fit. But just in case it didn't, he intended to enjoy her over this honeymoon as often as he could, and try to remember this for the rest of his life.

She squeezed him and he shuddered, brought back to the presence with searing pleasure, hands tightening on her waist. He started to move, dipping in and out in short, shallow thrusts. It was easy to go too deep in this position, to knock against a place that made her flinch, so he pumped lightly in the beginning, giving her body time to adjust. The smooth, unbroken plane of skin beckoned him, and he leaned over, bracing himself with one arm on the bed so he could taste the valley of her spine in a long swipe of his tongue, re-tracing it again with his lips.

Any part of her. The juices between her legs. The new nutritive sustenance from her breasts. The salt of her skin. Every part of her was his favorite flavor. And Ben knew that if he lived a dozen lifetimes with her, he'd never tire of it.

..xXx..

They existed in a hazy, timeless world of relaxation, laughter, and sex. Rey napped. Ben read. He found a couple of CD's in a cupboard, and they put on some music, dancing slow songs in a close embrace. Sometimes, they dressed to go outside and wander the woods. A couple of times, the clothes didn't last, even out there, and soon Rey had Ben on his back in a pile of leaves, shaft fully embedded inside her, both of them aroused by the thrill and fear that they were so out in the open, so exposed. Ben couldn't remember the last time he came _so_ hard.

A couple days in, Rey finally persuaded him to wade in the creek with her, and Ben teased her about finding the perfect spot to give birth. Neither of them had seen the video of the woman whelping at the shore of the river, but they could imagine it well enough. When they weren't outside, they were pretty much naked. It was just easier that way. Every time they tried to put clothes on, they just came off again. They spoiled every inch of Lando's cabin. A languid sixty-nine session on the fluffy sectional, a rough fuck against the wall in the kitchen, a messy ride on the floor of cushions of the conversation pit. The pool too now probably had a mix of them in the wash, from the time he'd filled her on his lap in the brilliant moonlight, and the time he'd nibbled her neck and shoulders, slipping into her from behind while she held onto the edge of the pool for stability.

Rey admitted that though her libido had been waning in the last couple weeks — something he knew already — whatever it was about this place, or the placebo effect of knowing she was technically on her honeymoon, it made her insatiable. Ben was only too happy to accommodate. They decided three times a day was definitely their limit, though. By the third, they were both aching and throbbing and needed more than a few hours to recover.

Ben had never been so at ease, or so utterly in love with life. He didn't care about anything except Rey. Every other concern faded blissfully from his mind. He forgot work, he forgot their friends, he forgot his parents, and he forgot house hunting or getting ready for fatherhood. Nothing mattered. Only this. Only her.

When they weren't frantically spreading their pheromones and fluids all over the house, the moments were soft and sweet. Like when they sat on the giant sectional watching the fire, Ben's head in her lap, Rey's fingers braiding his hair. They didn't really even speak, both too comfortable and content to need words. Or when Ben tucked Rey into bed one night after she'd fallen asleep reading. He'd gotten her giant pillow from the car after that first night, and arranged her around it now like she loved. He pulled the covers up and over her, but before he'd pulled away, she caught his arm and looked at him with soft hazel eyes and told him again how she loved him. They were words he'd heard many times over the last few days, but for some reason the way she said them now made his heart squeeze tight with corresponding love of his own. He knew that she meant it. And it still blew his mind.

And neither of them wanted to go home when their dreamy days came to a close. They tidied up — Ben assured her that he'd paid for a cleaning crew to set Lando's place to rights again after they left — and said goodbye to their refuge. They turned their phones back on to discover a litany of work emails, texts from friends, and random missed calls. Nothing urgent, just the normal crush of every day life they'd managed to forget about. They each sighed and stowed the devices away.

Ben took her hand in one of his as he navigated the car back towards the highway. Their fingers fit together, as naturally and easily as the rest of them, heart and bone. She issued a wistful sigh.

They faced two more months of normal life until their daughter arrived and everything they ever knew overturned. It seemed like no time at all. But at least they'd had this moment to themselves. This perfect, pure moment. Ben left with a full and satisfied heart. Happy that the girl he'd loved all along was his at last.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay the mild kink in this (seriously, it's super tame as far as kinks go) is a bit of lactation play.
> 
> Thanks for all your love! I'm sorry I'm so lame about responding to everyone's comments, but I promise I read and adore every single one. I love you guys! I'm glad this fluff is bringing you all a bit of happiness in this difficult time.


	20. Take The Long Way Home

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> House hunting resumes

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> You guys! I'm finally in my new house and we finally got internet! Unpacking is a pain, but at least we're here. 
> 
> A few of you have asked me if we'll get to see them being parents, and the answer is yes. I don't know how long after Olive arrives that we'll keep going — I honestly don't have that planned out yet — but we will get fluffy domestic new parents Reylo.
> 
> Thank you for all your kind words about the previous chapter's steaminess! Glad you folks found it hot.
> 
> This was going to be another monster long chapter, but got to be way, way, way too long (like 12k words?) so I decided to split it. I will proof and post Chapter 21 on Saturday!

**CHAPTER TWENTY**

**Take The Long Way Home**

THIRTY SIX WEEKS — Bunch of Kale

A knock on the doorframe of his office dragged Ben out of deep concentration, gaze snapping upward with a corresponding flash of irritation. He met the shrewd blue eyes of Gwen, and frowned. Normally he afforded Gwen a bit more patience than the rest of his coworkers, because she was easy to get along with and didn't make a nuisance of herself. But today he resented her interruption. It had been increasingly hard to focus on work for a while now, so when he did manage to finally settle into a groove, anything that pulled him out again was unwelcome.

"What is it?" he snapped.

Gwen leaned a shoulder against the doorframe. "You hear back from Chef Dex about El Mexsal yet?"

"No." Ben scrubbed a hand over his face, sighing heavily. "You're asking because you've got the press release ready to go?"

She gave a short nod. "Just need the word and I'll send it."

"You work too fast."

Her smooth features twisted into a strange expression and she cocked her head, cutting that funny look his direction.

"What?" he demanded.

She lifted her hands and her brows in feigned innocence. "Look, it's none of my business."

"But you're thinking something. Say it."

"Fine. You're completely out of sorts, Solo. You aren't yourself. You used to be laser focused. You used to complain that the rest of us weren't measuring up. You didn't bluster around here all loud and crusty like Luke, but you were quiet and _scary_. Now you're…different."

"Funny, me being nicer doesn't sound like something to complain about. In fact, weren't you in here a few months ago telling me how refreshing it was that I'd lost my sharp edges?"

"I mean, Kaydel and the interns and everybody else certainly aren't missing the old you. But you went past being nicer. It's like you're not even here. You're somewhere else in your head all the time."

Ben bristled at that. "Look, it's not like I can force Dex's people to get back to me. I already sent them a follow up email, and they told me he was interested, but consulting the show schedule. Can't really go any faster that they are, can I?"

"Well...you _could_. The old you would have weaseled out Dex's personal contact info and wooed him into having Santiago and his restaurant on for a full hour feature already."

There wasn't much defense he could mount for that. It was true. He'd ruthlessly pursued good leads before, like having a small, hip new Mexican-Salvadorian restaurant be featured on one of the nation's most beloved cooking shows. One of the things his clients valued about him was how he wouldn't let go of an opportunity until he'd wrestled it into fruition. But he wasn't doing that these days. He was putting in the bare minimum effort. The only conclusion was that Gwen was right. Ben was…distracted. His jaw tightened and his gaze dropped to his keyboard. Silence stretched between them.

"How close is she?" Gwen asked softly after a minute.

"Less than four weeks." He knew exactly how many days, but he didn't want Gwen to think him completely obsessed. Besides, Holdo kept warning them that it could be longer. Or shorter. When he thought of it, he sweat. He panicked. His heart raced fast and nervous and he knew deep in his bones that he wasn't ready. _They_ weren't ready.

"You think it'll get any better after she delivers?"

"No."

Before that fateful dinner at the Thai place by Rey's apartment, Ben didn't have much in his life that engaged his mental faculties more than work. There was Rey, of course, but she and everything else was carefully and neatly boxed up. He could throw himself into his work and feel accomplished. Feel validated. Feel as if he were a real adult carving an honorable way through the world. But ever since she'd spoken those words aloud — _I'm pregnant. It's yours—_ everything crumbled. He didn't feel like a real adult. He felt inadequate and inexperienced, a child pretending to be a grown-up, thrust into a very, very adult world. His work didn't feel as important. It only served a purpose now: to get him money to support _them_. To make them happy and comfortable. He still got the same rush of satisfaction when a particular client triumphed because of _his_ ideas, but now there was so much more for him outside these office walls. More than manipulating public perception, pleasing clients, chasing leads. This felt like the least satisfying thing he had going on right now.

And it was _so damn hard_ to focus.

Worse since their little escapade into the woods, too. He kept replaying those gloriously messy days over and over even now, a full month later. He didn't want to be here. He wanted to be home with her.

He knew this altered state of mind wouldn't go away when fatherhood well and truly came for him.

"You've got to get a hold of yourself," Gwen said. "Rey and your girl need you to be good at this."

His glance bounced back up to her, sharpening. "I'm still good at this."

"Make sure it stays that way, then. You can't let this consume you, just like she can't let it consume her. That isn't healthy. You're people too, not just parents. Professionals who are valued in their fields, and adults who need a life outside the twilight limbo you live in waiting for things to happen."

"Gwen," he sighed. "I'll let you know as soon as I hear from Dex's people. Can I help you with anything else?"

She frowned, waited a bit, and then shrugged. "One last thing. Poe's planning nefarious stuff for tomorrow. Thought you should know"

Tomorrow. The long anticipated baby shower. He winced. "I thought he and my mom came to some kind of truce."

"I thought so too. But he texted us with some of his plans, and I'm pretty sure your mother doesn't know about them. I think he's happy to let her think she's won, but—"

Ben's phone buzzed in his pocket. He fished it out, shaking his head and interrupting her. "You know what? I don't want to know. Don't tell me. I just have to grin and bear it, that's all I can do. Poe. My mother. Both of them. I'd rather not know." He checked the screen. _Ciena Kyrell_. "Gwen, give me just a second."

She nodded.

He answered. "Ciena."

"Ben, hi! How are you?"

"I'm well, how are you?"

"I'm great! Hey listen, I know it's been a minute, but I found something I think you will both love. No weirdness this time, I'm pretty sure. It just went on the market this afternoon, and I know it'll go fast. Any chance you could meet me there in the next hour? I was able to schedule the first showing."

He glanced at the clock. "Sure, yeah, I can be there. Can you text me the address?"

"I will! See you soon!"

"Bye, Ciena." He hung up and immediately sent Rey a text.

— _Ciena has a house to show us right away. You up for it?_

**Rey:** Now?

— _Now._

**Rey:** You should go. I really need to finish this deadline. It's a huge one. I trust you. Take pictures if you like it.

That was…disappointing, but not surprising. The closer she got, the stronger her emotions were, and Ben knew that house hunting was already hard for Rey. Excited as she was, it always put her in a strange, melancholic mood after looking at homes. She'd never lived in a single family house before. The unit she grew up in with the other foster kids was in a row of dilapidated town homes, and since leaving there she'd only been in apartments — or his condo. He knew that for as much as she wanted it, the process of finding and dreaming and searching stirred up things she'd rather not feel.

But the condo wasn't adequate. It wasn't right for them. And finding a house had become Ben's personal Arthurian quest. So he'd spare her the emotions of the hunt and forge on with her permission. He glanced up at Gwen. "Hey, want to get out of here and go look at a house?"

He didn't know why he asked, honestly, but the company sounded nice and Gwen would be emotionally fortified against whatever strange thing they might encounter. Ben wasn't sure he could endure another bizarre turn of events alone.

"A house?" she arched a brow. "To buy?"

"Maybe."

"You're buying _a house_?"

"That's what I said."

She stared at him for a minute, and Ben didn't know if she thought him insane or stupid or confusing. But then she gave a short nod. "Alright. Let's do it."

He perked up. "Dex's people probably won't get back to me today anyway."

"Not at this point, no."

"And if they do, it'll be to my cell."

"Right." She gave him another perplexed look. "Are you trying to justify cutting out thirty minutes early to me?"

"I guess I am."

"See? This is what I'm talking about. Get a grip, Solo. You waltz in here late as ever without a care in the world every time Rey has an appointment, always without reprimand. You take time off for a _babymoon_ where no one can get a hold of you. You regularly defy the boss and get away with it. You practically _own_ this place. Act like it."

He stood up, gathering his keys, bag, and phone. "You're right. I do. So we're leaving."

Gwen grinned, apparently satisfied enough to be suddenly eager, and darted back to her office, presumably to grab her things. An electric trickle of anticipation zipped through Ben now, the fire of purpose he couldn't quite find at work. This business of trying to find a house — this was something meaningful. Something he could do for his little family.

So they raced out of the office without another word of excuse. Kaydel, Ben's assistant, confirmed that she would be at the shower tomorrow — he made sure his mother invited her, after her long-suffering patience with his moods and whims over the years. Gwen's assistant, Mitaka, briefly protested, citing some end-of-day calls she'd scheduled, but Gwen waved him off and followed Ben out the door.

"So you're really, truly buying a _house_?" she asked again when they got in his car and he paused for a moment to put into his maps app the address Ciena texted him.

"Mm-hm," he said distractedly. Sometimes his thick, blunt fingers were woefully inadequate instruments for such delicate work as navigating the keys of a smart phone.

"And you don't think that's a little…" Gwen trailed off uncertainly.

Route mapped, he placed his phone on the magnetic dash mount and motioned for Gwen to buckle before he got going. "A little what?"

"Much?"

"A little much?" He frowned. "What does that mean?

"You've got a bloody lot of change happening in your life already. You're having a baby with the woman you've loved forever, and you're engaged, to be married in less than a year. At least you didn't have a shotgun wedding, but still — don't you think you're pushing yourself towards a mental breakdown?"

Ben snorted. "All of those things are _good_ things, Gwen. Why would that cause a mental breakdown?"

"Good or not, they're both big, life-alerting events. And now you want to throw a house on top of it."

"It's fine," he insisted.

But Gwen didn't seem placated. "What's wrong with your place anyway? You sent me there to check on her, remember. I've seen it. It's plenty nice enough."

"Sure, it's fine. It has a room for the baby, if we wanted to stay. But it's exactly what you said — it's _my_ place. And Rey doesn't know that she does this, but she keeps reminding me that it isn't her's with little unconscious comments, about _your dresser_ or _your bed_ , _your washer and dryer, your sink_. Things like that. I don't like it. I don't want her feeling like she's in my space. She needs to feel at home. We need something that's _ours._ "

Gwen considered that for a moment. Ben followed the navigational directions. The neighborhood was a twenty-five minute drive from their office. Not too bad.

"Okay. I can see why you'd want that," she acknowledged after a moment. "You're determined to do this before you get married, though?"

Ah, the devilish delights that came from having a secret. Ben briefly thought about the cabin in the woods, and the sunset ceremony at his parent's gazebo. A small, private smirk twitched at the corner of his lips.

"Ideally I could make it happen before Rey delivers," he said. "Though I realize that timetable is no longer realistic."

"To say the least." Gwen sounded vastly amused. Still, to her credit, she seemed to accept his determination to push the out of control snowball of his life even further down the hill. "Follow-up question. If you're not in danger of a mental breakdown, why the hell do you wear that tungsten wedding ring as if you were already married, when that's a good seven months away? You've been wearing it for a while now, I've noticed."

He glanced at the slim, rounded metal band on his finger. "Come on, Gwen, you're a forward thinking woman. Don't you think it's a little creepy that only the bride-to-be wears an engagement ring? As if I have purchased her and she's now off-market, and I need everyone to know it? Shouldn't it work both ways?"

"So you're signaling to all the many, many women falling all over you that you're off-market?" The derision in her tone made Ben chuckle.

"Something like that."

She rolled her eyes, but said nothing further about the subject, instead returning to the matter at hand. "Alright. So tell me about the houses you've seen so far."

So he did. All the houses, all the weirdness. She laughed for a long time about the naked guy. It sufficiently amused her until they pulled into the neighborhood. After that, they both grew rather quiet, which was good because then Ben was no longer focused on entertaining his companion with real estate disasters. He was too busy trying to frantically take it all in while still following the directions.

It was an older neighborhood, with enormous, mature trees lining the streets, creating a vivid green canopy broken with glimmers of sunlight. The homes were sturdy and classic, neither flashy and modern or dilapidated. Most of them followed a cottage style build and had fences around modest front yards, some wrought-iron, some picket, some split rail. Each had its own flavor. And each was spaced just far enough apart from one another to offer some breathing room and privacy, which was a refreshing change from the newer neighborhoods going up around the city, all crammed together for maximum use of space.

"This is cloyingly _cute_ ," Gwen said softly as they crawled slowly through the neighborhood, observing the people out and about. There seemed to be a wide variety of demographics, judging by the folks out for a walk or in their yards, getting out of their cars or sitting on their porches.

"Yeah," Ben agreed softly. It looked like a neighborhood from a Disney movie, honestly. Like it shouldn't be real. He suddenly regretted not pushing harder to have Rey join him this time. She probably would have had something to say about the earnest charm of this previously unknown part of town.

They finally rolled up in front of the house.

Gwen whistled softly. "That curb appeal, Solo, is…"

_Dreamy_ , thought Ben, his heart skipping a suddenly giddy beat. The house followed its neighbors in an absurdly adorable cottage style, siding painted soft yellow with a white covered porch wrapping around the front and one side of the house, supported by white beams, and a huge window taking up most of the right side of the front. A flower box decorated the bottom of that window, bursting with zinnias and some trailing leafy thing Ben did not recognize.

Ciena emerged from the car parked along the curb in front of them, grinning and waving brightly. Ben got out quickly and went to her.

"This is ridiculously charming," he told her, glancing again at the house.

"Isn't it?" She seemed to brim with excitement. "Just beautiful. No sign yet, just went up today, like I said. The seller's agent is a friend of mine. Sits on a little more than half an acre. Newly renovated inside so it's all modern appliances and new countertops. Apparently this is a great area for families."

Gwen wandered up next to them, her gaze trailing down the street. Ciena smiled and introduced herself. Gwen did likewise. Ciena wondered if Gwen was Ben's sister, Gwen laughed and said no, and Ciena apologized, citing their mutual height as the reason for the mixup. Ben was too busy taking it all in to pay them much mind. He went to the gate and opened it into the front yard. It swung soundlessly and easily, no rust or warping. The grass was lush and green, the flowers and bushes planted around the base of the home well manicured, the huge old trees sighed and rustled in a mild passing breeze. Ben knew, without even going inside, that this was exactly the place he wanted Olive to grow up. It had none of the monstrous, pretentious audacity of his own childhood home, and all the cozy, welcoming warmth he felt in his chest whenever he thought of Rey. In fact, the whole look of the home reminded him of her, right down to the cheerful, soft yellow paint.

_Home_ , his heart said with a thud. He tried to squash the rapidly rising excitement flaring in him.

"Shall we go in?" Ciena asked, coming up next to him.

He nodded. _Please don't let there be a sex dungeon in here_ , he silently begged whatever deity might or might not exist, wanting with all his heart for the inside the match the outside. _Or cat piss. Or ghosts. Or a naked dude._

"Don't worry," she said as they walked up the stone path to the porch, "It's well within your budget. It's so reasonably priced, in fact, I'm completely confident it'll have several offers by this time tomorrow."

If this was a selling tactic, it was highly effective because Ben's anxiety already spiked sharply at the idea of losing this little storybook dream to someone else. Gwen shot him a warning look when he glanced back at her, which helped jar him back to the ground for a minute. He had to keep his cool. He had to see it all and gather information before making a decision. He couldn't blurt out an offer based on curb appeal alone.

But fuck, the _inside_ _ **.**_

It was just as charming as the outside.

White wainscoting and pale gray walls made every room bright and modern. Warm wood floors brought coziness to each space, and sparkly, Edison-bulb light fixtures added a dash of whimsy. The living room had a fireplace for even more charm, and huge windows allowing outside light to pour in, welcome and invited. The kitchen gleamed with new stainless steel appliances and butcher block countertops, accented by white shelves and cupboards, and boasting enough space to easily accommodate Ben's culinary ventures and Rey's homesteading interests.

There were built in bookshelves, plenty of closets, and cheerful green views out any windows. There were two bedrooms on the main floor, an addition with another, and a fully finished attic that could be used for a fourth. Certainly more room than they needed right now, but Ben deliriously hoped the day might come when they did need all that space. There was a second living space, one he envisioned as a well-loved entertainment room where a large and close family could snuggle together for classic movie nights.

The backyard was enormous, sporting a utility shed, a little greenhouse, and a smaller shed furnished into some kind of art studio. Neither of them were artists, particularly, but they could find a use for that space. The backyard had more old trees and plenty of space for a playground or treehouse. Maybe a dog too, Ben thought headily.

That dizzy feeling he got when they first pulled up to the house was back again. A fuzzy kind of head rush, like the first inkling that his father's edibles had kicked in and a high was coming on. Euphoria buzzing distantly in the background.

Ciena came up beside him and surveyed the house from the yard.

"So what do you think? Would your wife like it?"

Ben had told Ciena of the new arrangement at the last house a couple weeks ago. He had to. Any offer they put would include them both, and have Rey's new name. Luckily Gwen was still back at the artist shed checking it out and couldn't overhear. He was pretty sure she'd laugh it off like some eccentricity of his if she had anyway, just like the ring.

"Yes," Ben told her firmly. "Let's make an offer. Full asking price."

Ciena's smile grew, gleeful pearly white flashing. "Okay! Now we're getting somewhere. Any contingencies? Do you need to sell your place first?"

"No. It's a rental. No contingencies."

"Excellent. You willing to get into a bidding war if some others come by today?"

Ben frowned. He didn't want to do that. "Offer full asking price, but ten above if they're willing to take it off the market immediately, and tell them we'll waive the appraisal. I will bid against others if I have to, but let's see if they bite that."

"I will." Ciena smiled again. "You can see them here, can't you? Your family."

"Yes, I can." Ben couldn't picture it very long without becoming completely overwhelmed, but he could see their whole lives unfolding here. He could see the two of them in their old age, still living here, hosting family barbecues and watching their grandchildren run around. He wanted that so badly it ached.

Gwen sidled up next to him. "I thought you were completely mad before, but I've changed my mind. You'd better buy this place, Solo. It's got the two of you written all over it."

"I will," said Ben.

"I've been taking pictures. I'll send them to you so you can show Rey when you get home."

"Thank you." Ben was surprised she'd thought of that. In all his wonder he'd forgotten that Rey asked him to do that very thing.

They wandered around the side of the house to the front again. A middle aged couple strolled by about that same time. They gave polite nods and friendly smiles and seemed like they'd just continue on, but then the woman's eyes flashed with realization and she tugged on the man's arm, compelling him to stop.

"Hi!" she said, her smile widening. "Are you thinking about buying this house?"

"I am," replied Ben, wandering a few steps closer to the fence. "What do you think, is it a good place?"

"The very best. The Archers have taken wonderful care of this house. They're only moving to be closer to their kids now that everyone is grown and gone. I'm Jyn, by the way. This is my husband Cassian. We live three houses down that way."

"Ben," he said, producing a hand. They both shook it.

"Your wife?" Cassian said, nodding at Gwen.

She laughed. "Eh, no. I'm happily gay, and just his friend. I know the ring is confusing. He does have a wife…or fiancee…or something. The situation is unclear? Anyway. Hi, name's Gwen."

Jyn laughed and shook her hand too. "Hey, we don't judge here. We've got all types of families in the neighborhood."

"Ben," Ciena prompted softly, "If you're done, I'm going to lock up and get going so I can write up your offer immediately. You're welcome to hang out in the neighborhood, of course, but if other prospective buyers show up you need to be out of the yard."

"Got it," Ben told her. "Thank you. Let me know."

"I will." She hurried off towards her car.

He and Gwen hung around for a few more minutes chatting to Jyn and Cassian. They learned that the neighborhood was built in the 40's and experienced very little turnover. When houses did go up for sale, they sold quickly, and often to younger, upwardly mobile families, or older hipster couples looking for a more welcoming community. The houses were relatively small but nicely maintained, and there were a variety of alternative schools around for parents looking for less traditional approach to education. Ben experienced a small bout of panic at that, realizing he'd not even considered that within a few years they'd have to start thinking about things like that — _school_. Still, it was good to know there were plenty of options around. Even if he had no idea where to begin with any of it. All he knew was that he didn't want Olive stuck at the kind of private school he went to, with predominantly white, wealthy, proud-to-be-privileged elites.

Eventually Jyn and Cassian decided to mosey on, wishing Ben good luck with his offer before meandering on down the sidewalk. Ben turned around and took one more look at the house. It was lightyears away from the world he'd grown up in. And it was lightyears away from the world Rey had grown up in. The kind of place that would be uniquely theirs.

All this time, since that night she'd slept over and he'd started browsing Zillow with the certainty that this was his new quest, he'd been searching for some kind of feeling, some sense to know that what he'd found was _home_.

He felt it now. He knew it. And he couldn't wait to tell Rey.

.xXx.

When he got home, he practically bounded through the door.

"Where are you?" he bellowed.

Her head popped up from the couch, peering at him with wide, startled eyes. "Right here?"

He stepped over to her as she struggled up from her reclined position, shutting her laptop and setting it aside as he sat down next to her. Her hair was up in a messy bun, lifting it off her neck the way she craved right now, and she wore a soft maternity shirt and no pants — her favorite attire when she needed to be comfortable. Ben slid a hand up her thigh and dropped a kiss onto her belly.

"Hello, little girl," he whispered against the mound. And then, lifting his head again, he took Rey's face in both hands and pulled her in for an eager kiss.

"Wow," she laughed when he finally let her go.

"Hello to you too," he said, grinning. "Did you meet your deadline?"

"Ten minutes ago," she confirmed, warm eyes roving over his face. "You look happy. Does that meant it went well?"

"I put an offer." He couldn't hold it back. It sprang out of him like a bird bursting out of a cage.

Her hazel eyes, more grey today than green, widened again. "You did?"

"Well, _we_ are making the offer, as soon as Ciena sends the paperwork for us both to sign."

"Oh wow, so you _really_ liked it."

"It's perfect." A beat, a flicker of uncertainty. He hesitated, hand back on her thigh, giving her a gentle squeeze. "Is it okay? That I said we'd put an offer even though you haven't had a chance to see it?"

Rey laughed. "Ben. I told you, I trust you. If you loved it that much, I'm sure I will too. We don't generally disagree on matters of taste."

True. One of the things that made them such easy friends originally was their mutual appreciation of old, previously loved things. One of the things that made this house so charming was how much happy history it appeared to have build right into its old but sturdy bones.

"You will love it. I know it."

She smiled, and although it was genuine, he thought it looked a little tired too. "Then that's all I need to know. It's really happening, then?"

"Maybe. If they accept." His gaze scanned over her face, noting the fatigue, trying to curb his rising concern. "Are you okay?"

"Mm," she said with a subtle bob of her chin. "I'm okay."

He wasn't convinced.

"I'm just tired," she sighed when his frown didn't fade. "And hurting."

"Hurting?" His spine stiffened. "Hurting how?"

"Every way. Everything." She laughed again, soft and half-hearted. "Such a clever strategy of biology, making you so uncomfortable at the end that you stop being so afraid of birth. I'm ready to be done. Ready to have my body back. However it has to happen, I just want her out."

Ben had no idea how that felt, or what to do with that information. In the month since their secret wedding and quick honeymoon, he'd watched her energy steadily wane, draining out of her like a slow leak. Sometimes she got these bursts of productivity where she'd madly rearrange furniture or deep clean the bathroom, but mostly he watched her get exhausted by small things, like just trying to climb the stairs to bed. Both Holdo and the app said this was completely normal, but it didn't stop him from worrying about her. He didn't like this part. This final leg of the journey. He didn't like watching it overtake her, drain her, even if her sporty basketball stomach still made him feel ridiculously, stupidly proud.

"Want me to draw you a bath?" he asked softly, since baths seemed to be the only thing that really helped her aching body relax.

She shook her head, leaning over to kiss his cheek. "Honestly? I just want you to order in for dinner, and let's just stay here on the couch and watch something mindless. Is that okay?"

"Of course it is." He fished his phone out of his pocket and turned it over to her to browse through Postmates and choose what looked good to eat.

She blinked at the screen. "You've got a DocuSign email from Ciena."

"Oh! That'll be the offer!" He took it back and opened the email eagerly, scanning over the language. "You've probably got one too, then. We both have to sign it."

She fished her phone out from where it had slid between the couch cushions and opened an identical email of her own. They tapped through the document and its required signature fields. Ben watched out of the corner of his eye, delighting in that secret thrill which ran through him when she signed her new name, or initialed _RS_. They'd spent three weeks going through the far too painful process of having her name legally changed. He wasn't used to seeing it written down yet.

He fucking _loved it_.

They both returned the newly signed offer and looked at each other, grinning like a pair of fools. Rey leaned against his shoulder, a soft, incredulous sigh tumbling from her.

"You're crazy for wanting to do this right now, you know. We could be just fine here."

Ben smoothed his palm over her curve. He did that a lot, he knew, but she was too irresistible not to touch. "Funny. Gwen said the same thing."

Rey yawned. "Course she did. She's sharp, that Gwen."

"Mm. She is. But she agreed with me in the end. I have my reasons for wanting to do it now."

"I'm sure you do," she said, plucking his phone from his hand so she could browse PostMates. "What else did Gwen say? Did she give you any hints as to what's going on with Rose and her brother?"

"No...? Why don't you just ask Rose yourself?"

"I'm trying to lead by example," she said with a prim sniff. "I told her to butt out of my life, and she's done very well since. I should afford her the same courtesy, don't you think?"

"No, I don't. She spent years harassing you about us. I think you should return the favor."

Rey laughed. "You're a terrible influence."

"Hm, I've been told that before."

She added an order for her favorite buffalo wings to the cart and handed the phone to Ben. He raised his brow and gave her a side glance.

"Are you trying to induce early with that heat level?"

"First of all, I told you, I want off this train. Second of all, no, I'm not. Hot wings aren't going to put me into labor. At least, my body has given no indication of being ready for that _at all_ yet, no matter how much I wish it were. Third of all, you can just fuck right off and let me eat my wings in peace, mister."

Ben laughed, added his own corresponding order to the cart, and checked out. "Alright, alright. Spicy it is."

She struggled for a moment, heaving herself off the couch and standing up in front of him. She handed him the remote. "Assume the position, if you please."

Ben scooted up against the arm of the couch, kicking off his shoes and stretching both legs along the length of the cushions, bending his knees and spreading them apart. Rey grabbed a throw pillow and put it on his chest, then crawled between his legs and arranged herself on him, using his leg to support her belly, his shin pulled between her own to keep her hips aligned. Her head rested on the pillow just below his chin.

This had become a new norm for them over the last couple weeks. She liked to snuggle in supported positions, and this seemed to be her favorite.

"You're going to get all comfy and then the food will get here," he warned gently, even though no part of him wanted her to pull away.

She draped her arm over his chest and sighed contentedly. "It's fine."

It was indeed fine. Ben wrapped her into his embrace and found something to put on — the latest mockumentary comedy about a radar technician on an intergalactic spaceship. He always had to keep his mind furiously occupied when they did this, because she was right there, warm and soft between his legs, and her breasts with their tantalizing new flavor were a twitch of the hand away from his touch, and if he didn't concentrate on something else he'd spring a hard-on and she'd surely feel it. Ben didn't know if she'd ignore it or if she'd make herself deal with it for his sake, despite her low energy, but he wasn't about to find out. The last thing he wanted was for her to feel obligated. So he focused on the ornery but sincere radar technician, and he thought about the house, and fretted about the offer. Maybe it should have been higher. Maybe he'd already been outbid. Maybe they wouldn't get it at all.

Worrying about that effectively killed any chance of an erection, and soon he felt Rey dozing lightly against him, soft subtle snores echoing through his chest. He'd wake her when the wings came. For now, he just held her a little tighter and rested his chin against her head, savoring every inch of her snuggled in against him. Tomorrow, they'd endure one of his mother's famous events. Tomorrow, hopefully he'd hear back about his offer. Tomorrow, he'd think about what Gwen said about re-focusing at work. But for tonight, all he had to do was sit here and happily drown in her company.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Next up, a baby shower. Chapter will be posted on Saturday! :D


	21. All's Fair in Suburban Warfare

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A baby shower, LeiaPoe style

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter really blew up on me. But a twitter poll folks said they'd rather have the monster chapter than split it, so here you go — a beefy big chapter full of silliness. Also I put in a final chapter count as suddenly the end comes into sight, but that could very well change so don't panic.

**CHAPTER TWENTY-ONE:**

All's Fair in Suburban Warfare

Leia Skywalker Organa Solo never did anything by half.

The baby shower she threw for her son and his secret wife was, by nobody's definition, an ordinary baby shower. In the first place, it wasn't exclusively for her daughter-in-law and woman friends, but a co-ed affair where the father as well as the mother of the impending arrival was as much a part of things as anyone else. And in the second place, the whole thing really had more of an elegant garden party atmosphere.

Ben was entirely familiar with these kinds of events. The serene, well-dressed, demurely smiling guests milled around his parents' lawn, beneath canopies and between tables, holding delicate little drinks from an open bar and listening to soft orchestral music played by live musicians. He'd grown up with this exact scene all his life — minus the pink ribbons and centerpieces featuring overt hints that the baby being showered with gifts here was, in fact, a girl.

His mother's version of his sixteenth birthday had been a lot like this. He'd been bored out of his mind, surrounded by adult professionals in a myriad of fields who came at the behest of a woman they either admired or owed a great deal. They made congratulatory noises at him and talked about how he was becoming a man. Ben didn't feel like a man at sixteen. He felt restless and angry and no matter what cleansing regime he used, the occasional acne wouldn't leave him alone. Luckily Poe had been in attendance, and halfway through the evening he'd kidnapped Ben and taken him back to his house for weed and video games with the tiny handful of classmates Ben actually liked.

That had been way better than the fancy party.

Ben kept his eye on Poe now, watching him mill around and make effortless conversation with the distinguished guests. He was one of those fancy adult professionals now, Ben mused with a degree of disappointment. Honestly, an hour into this thing and Ben could use a distraction.

But for as bored as he felt, he tolerated the scene with mild amusement. Rey had no such experience, and for as politely as she smiled and made conversation with their well-wishers, Ben could tell she was one held breath away from climbing the nearest tree just to get a break.

Not that she'd get very far with that.

"This is way fancier than I thought it would be," she hissed after another of Leia's friends drifted away from them, leaving his congratulations behind.

"Why did you think she wanted to get you another new dress?" he chuckled, glancing down at the dip of her neckline just barely teasing the new fullness of her breasts. The dress was a shade of blue that really edged more towards teal, he thought, and the color brought out the effortless warmth of her skin. She tanned so easily. One hint of sunshine and she went all toasty golden. Not like Ben. His pasty pale ass could really only sport a sunburn for so long before he ever gave up trying to get any color.

In any case, he really did like this dress. It flattered her, and her bump — which an annoying amount of people felt at liberty to touch without her permission. It seemed like half the guests would greet her with a hand reaching out to cup her there. It made him feel territorial. He couldn't even imagine how offensive she found it. He knew it bothered her by the way her smile tightened a little and she deftly moved away while still managing to be cordial in her response.

"I don't know what I thought," she sighed. "Your mother seems to think any occasion is an excuse to go out shopping again. It really didn't hint to me that she was going to throw something like this."

He dropped a kiss onto the top of her head. "This is her way of showing her love. It sounds weird, I know. But inviting every person she's ever known to come celebrate you is very much my mother's love language."

"I prefer the version of her love that supports a secret elopement and a funny, completely informal ceremony before we run away and shag ourselves sore."

Ben laughed. "I prefer that too."

"I can't believe you grew up this way." She motioned to the splendor around them. "It's so…"

"I know."

Her glance darted up to him, gaze flashing mischievously. "Wait a minute. You're a rich, pretty-boy asshole, aren't you?"

"The jig is up. You figured it out," he sighed in wistful regret. "But at least you think I'm pretty."

That won him a smile, and then a laugh. She leaned her head against him. "I love your mom, but I don't want to be this kind of mom myself. If Olive ever has a baby shower, we're doing something far more relaxed."

Ben blanched at the thought. "Okay, never talk about that again."

She giggled.

He took her hand and tugged her over to the nearest table. "Here, you should sit. I'm going to go find you some food. You haven't eaten anything this whole time."

Rey wrinkled her nose. "I don't know if it's because my stomach is compressed into a pancake or if a little bit of nausea is starting to come back but I don't have much of an appetite."

"Still, you need something. Wait here, and if anyone tries to make you stand up again, tell them to buzz off."

"You come tell these senators and ivy league professors to buzz off!"

"Don't tempt me," he chuckled, bending to kiss her one more time. "Or I will."

Ben could feel the eyes of some of the guests on him whenever he interacted with Rey — probably curiosity, he guessed. Many of them had known him when he'd been that difficult, angsty teenager, giving his parents trouble. They were too polite to say the things on their minds, but Ben had no trouble guessing at them anyway.

Things about how surprising it was that he'd turned into a (relatively) well-adjusted adult. That he had a career, and a fiancee, and had done well for himself.

Things about how it wasn't all that surprising that he'd gotten a girl pregnant outside of wedlock.

What he didn't expect to hear, though, was the half-muttered conversation among a group of wealthy neighbors, discussing how they'd heard she was trash, a nobody from bumfuck England, a freelance writer, who had anchored herself to wealth by trapping Ben with a baby. They clucked their disapproval and pity.

Ben was so shocked he actually stopped dead in his tracks and turned his head towards them, anger flaring white-hot. His fists clenched, and he was about to stomp towards them and give him a piece of his mind when suddenly his mother appeared between them, smiling an acidic little smile.

"I'm so grateful for your concern, Maureen," Leia said, her voice like thick syrup. "But as it so happens, Rey is resourceful and resilient, and we've approved of the pair since the Wexley wedding. I'm very proud of my daughter-in-law, which is more than I think you can say. Didn't I last hear that your son's wife was caught canoodling the pool boy? Such a shame. So much for her good pedigree."

Maureen, the neighbor leading the gossip, flushed a deep crimson, cleared her throat and after an awkward beat, excused herself.

Leia glanced around at the others, her eyes fierce and fiery. "I know Maureen was merely an outlier. The rest of you only think good things about Ben's lovely bride, don't you?"

There were a few shifting feet and then enthusiastic, "Of course, Leia," and "She seems wonderful," platitudes.

Ben moved on, annoyed but simultaneously satisfied that his mother had the situation well in hand. The word would percolate among the less genuine guests that they'd better be careful of how they spoke of Leia's future daughter-in-law, or else Leia would come after them with all their dirty laundry. Even if they held their tongues out of fear more than respect, Ben could be content with this scenario. He and Rey didn't run in these circles. They didn't need the approval of his mother's peers. But he enjoyed knowing that she flogged them into having better manners about it anyway.

He was smirking a little to himself as he loaded up a little plate of finger foods for Rey when Gwen appeared beside him.

"Hey," she said softly. "Did you hear back about your offer?"

Ben didn't glance up. "They accepted."

"Congratulations," she said with a note of real delight. "That's fantastic."

He smiled a little, straightening with his plate of offerings. "I think so too. I'm trying to accelerate the timeline, see if we can close before Rey delivers, but we'll see."

"If anyone can make that happen, I've no doubt you can." Gwen followed as he threaded his way through the guests back towards Rey. Hux and Rose had found her and were sitting next to her, the three of them laughing about something.

"You said Poe had plans," Ben mentioned. "Why hasn't he put them into action yet? This party could use a little Poe flair."

"Who says he hasn't?" Gwen chuckled. "He's already started."

"What does that mean?"

"You'll see soon enough."

So cryptic. Ben glanced over the heads of several guests to see Poe still networking, Finn on his arm now, breezing around like he owned the place. Poe's parents were here too, but he didn't seem to pay them much attention. Ben wondered if some of the mutual acquaintances of the Solos and the Damerons were scandalized by Poe's various affairs, or if they were used to it by now. Either way, Poe didn't seem to care, happily introducing Finn as easily as he had introduced his various girlfriends in the past. But then, Ben had never known anyone as completely comfortable with his own sexuality as Poe Dameron.

He didn't need charming and friendly Poe, though. He needed mischievous and distracting Poe.

"Ben," Rose said excitedly when he pushed a plate in front of Rey. "Your secretary is delightful! All this time and you've never invited her to come to any of our parties?"

"Ah," said Ben. "You met Kaydel."

"Yes, we did. She's hanging out with Jannah and Jess now. She's hilarious!"

Ben shrugged. "Maybe. I don't know. I never talk to her outside the context of work."

Hux laughed at that. "Of course you don't. Because you're a stick in the mud."

Gwen sat next to her brother, giving him a bemused look. "I don't talk to my assistant outside of work either."

"I've met your assistant," Hux replied. "He's more boring than vanilla ice cream. Kaydel isn't like that, and you've both known all this time that she'd fit right in with us and never said a word."

Rey swiveled on her chair, scanning over the crowd trying to find the person in question. "I just said hi to her when she arrived, and then Leia wanted to introduce us to some people, so now I feel like I need to really meet this woman."

Ben spotted his mother making her way towards them now. "I can facilitate that any time you want," he assured Rey. "In the meantime, incoming."

Gwen, Hux, and Rose all saw what Ben saw and hurried away, scattering like birds at the sight of a cat. Not that Ben's mother meant them any harm. Still, this wasn't their baby shower, so it wasn't their obligation to exchange niceties with all the guests.

This time, though, the woman heading towards them beside Leia was someone they already knew quite well. Doctor Holdo, still of lilac hair and wearing slacks and a flowy top — strangely casual compared to her usual work attire.

Ben and Rey exchanged an amused glance. Somehow, they'd managed to go all this time without telling Leia that her old friend was their doctor. She hadn't asked, and they hadn't thought about it. Ben wondered if they could get all the way to delivery without his mother finding out. Not that it really mattered, but it might be fun to try.

Rey struggled to rise when they got to the table, but Leia put a hand on her shoulder and stopped her.

"No, no, dear, you don't have to get up. You've been on your feet this whole time. Relax. You two remember my friend Amilyn from the Tico wedding?"

Rey settled back in her seat and smiled. "I remember. The doctor."

So she was on board for the game too. Ben grinned and produced his hand for a shake. "Good to see you again."

Holdo shook it, eyes sparkling with amusement. "My sincere congratulations to the both of you. Leia tells me you're getting married in the spring?"

"We are," Rey confirmed.

"No doubt you'll be invited," Ben added, darting a glance at his mother.

"Of course she will." Leia waved her hand, swiping away the topic in favor another. "Amilyn, do you do pediatrics? Any chance you'd be the doctor for this little one?"

"I don't do peds," Amilyn said with a soft smile. "But I have some great recommendations if they need them."

"Well, perhaps when she gets old enough for women's health, then. They're having a girl." Leia practically beamed with pride. "Isn't that sweet?"

"Yes, your invitation indicated as much. I know you always hoped to have a granddaughter to dote on and share your mother's clothes with. I'm happy for you."

This was a side of their doctor that neither Ben nor Rey had ever really seen before. She looked positively affectionate when she addressed Leia.

"I'm happy too," Leia sighed. "And Rey is lovely. Fits right in with the family, don't you, dear?"

Rey smiled shyly. "You're all very easy to love."

Ben snorted in derision. "She's obviously still getting to know us."

Holdo and Rey both laughed while Leia gave her son a harmless, reprimanding smack. He pretended to wince.

Talking to Holdo was more interesting than talking to some of the other guests, mostly because they knew her and she knew them — and they were all three disguising that fact from Leia. She politely asked about their jobs and where they were living. Leia excitedly told her about the house they were under contract to buy. Holdo said she knew the neighborhood well and confirmed it was indeed very family friendly and inclusive.

It was around that time when Ben felt a hand on his shoulder and turned to see his father had finally decided to join the party. He'd squirreled himself away inside the house this whole time, stubbornly protesting Leia's insistence that he attend. When Ben and Rey arrived that afternoon, he'd been pontificating about the nuisance of the North American baby shower, and how other cultures function just fine by using another method of welcoming a new life and preparing the prospective parents. Leia ceded to none of his arguments and told him he lived in her world, so he would play by her cultural norms.

Ben hadn't seen him until now.

He wore a jacket, but instead of the nice button-up shirt Leia had set out for him, he'd picked a graphic tee with _grandpa_ scrolled across the front in a handful of languages and colors.

"Amy!" he said cheerfully. Fancy seeing you here."

Holdo's smile twisted into something a little sharper. "Han. How are you?"

"Why do you call her that? She hates that. Her name isn't Amy," Leia said, frowning.

"Oh, sorry," Han said, not sounding all that sorry. "I'm great, Amilyn. How are you?"

"I'm doing well, thank you."

"Nice shirt," Ben remarked, drawing everyone's attention to it. Leia's eyebrows lifted practically to her hairline.

"Well," she said disapprovingly, "don't you look...comfortable."

"I am, honey, thanks."

Leia glanced around at all the nicely dressed guests, most of them in collared shirts or delicate sundresses. "Do you think you fit in with our friends?"

"Hey," he defended, "this is a baby shower, not a cocktail party. Babies aren't fancy, they're fun. So I chose fun. I really don't give a damn if I fit in. They all know me anyway."

"I like it," Rey told him, grinning. "You look great."

Han gave her a high five. "And that's why you're my favorite."

"Don't encourage him, Rey," Leia said with a resigned expression and a roll of her eyes. She tried to reel the conversation back in, turning to Holdo instead. "Rey is due in about a month. Do you have any advice for her? It's been so long for me, I don't remember a lot."

"I'm sure her doctor has her well-informed of what's to come," Holdo laughed. Her glance flicked to Ben. "And something tells me Big Papa here liked to be informed too, so I'd be willing to bet they're already pretty prepared."

"As prepared as you can be," Han muttered. "You can know it all in your head and still not be ready for the emotional train that hits you the second that baby is in your arms."

"Well," Holdo said with a soft smile, "that's true."

Han picked a pancetta, pear, and pecan puff off of Rey's plate and glanced around. His attention caught on the gift table and his eyes widened into saucers. "Holy smokes, Ben! Have you seen the fucking treasure trove over there? You two are going to make out like bandits!"

Ben had seen. Each new guest that arrived brought a gift that Rey had either opened in front of them, or been explained about if it was too big to carry. Then each of the gifts had gone off to the gift table when Leia inevitably whisked the new arrival away.

The benefit of having a mother well integrated into the wealthy climes of society meant that her people didn't bat an eye at providing really overpriced gifts at any celebratory function to which they were invited. Rey had already balked at the expense of the things they'd received, but Ben didn't share her dismay. He didn't share her discomfort either — especially after the rude comments he'd overheard a few minutes ago. He felt no guilt at all parting these people from their excess cash in the way of things they hadn't yet bought for Olive.

Everything they could ever need was piled there, including a crib from Pottery Barn (which Ben knew from a little previous research was absurdly overpriced.) There was a fancy baby swing, a portable bassinet, a co-sleeper bed attachment, a top of the line car seat and travel system, a changing table, a bottle warming machine, a wipes warming machine, a diaper disposal tower, a couple different brands of wraps and body carriers, nursing pillows, nursing covers, a portable breast pump, little chairs to help baby learn how to sit, play mats, video monitors, sound monitors, baby books, pacifiers, toys, diapers, wipes, postpartum recovery supplies, bottles, and mountains and mountains of clothes. Those same tiny clothes that always sent Ben's head into a tailspin.

He knew there was a certain audacity in the buying of such things as furniture items without knowing the specific taste of the couple, but then, audacity came included with the kind of wealth these people had. Not that it really mattered anyway. Ben and Rey would use these things whether or not it suited their taste, because they'd dicked around so much this whole summer they'd never really figured out what their specific taste regarding parentings things should be. And since these people were happy to provide the expensive essentials and non-essentials, that left more money that they could use to put towards the house. Assuming everything worked out.

"It's a lot," Rey agreed. She glanced at Leia and said quickly, "but we're obviously very grateful."

"My assistant is cataloguing everything you get, and when this is all done I'll have the thank-you notes sent out so you don't have to worry about it," Leia said helpfully.

"Jeezus," Han muttered, looking around. "I need a drink. Preferably something stronger than this sparkling wine I see going around. You did say it was an open bar, didn't you?"

Leia frowned. "Cocktails and seltzers only, Han. I don't need anyone getting drunk today."

"I won't get drunk, but I'm going to need something more than a rhubarb martini if you want me to survive this crowd."

"I invited some of your colleagues too," she sniffed. "Go talk to them, if the rest of our friends are too much for you."

Poe had finally made the rounds and was now close enough to overhear. He spun sharply on his heel and slid up next to Ben.

"You can't be ready to duck out now, old man," he chimed in, teasing Han. "There's so much more fun to be had!"

Finn was there too, exchanging a look with Rey. She smiled. She always looked a little relieved when their friends emerged from the mix. Ben knew the feeling. Familiar faces were a comfort in situations like this.

"That's right," Leia agreed. "We've got a raffle later, and a cake to cut."

"A cake to cut?" Han sputtered. "This isn't a fucking wedding, Leia. I thought that was in a few months."

"My idea," Poe said, patting him. He noticed Holdo and stuck out his hand. "Hi, I don't remember if we've met. I'm Poe Dameron."

She shook it with a neutral, polite smile. "Doctor Amilyn Holdo."

"Poe is Shara's son," Leia explained.

Holdo's face suddenly flickered with recognition. "Oh...that's right. I remember. Shara couldn't get him to keep his pants on."

A delighted laugh burst from Rey. "What? He was a little flasher?"

"Oh, all the time," Leia confirmed. "Dropping his trousers to show everyone his tiny pecker. So proud of what he discovered down there. It embarrassed poor Shara so much."

Poe blushed a deep crimson. "Har har. Make fun of the little kid."

Ben clapped him on the shoulder, smirking. "Looks like things don't really change that much, do they?"

Poe shrugged him off, turning to Han to pointedly end that line of conversation. "Hey, doc, settle a bet for me? Finn here doesn't believe me that you can play piano on rocks. Do you still have that primitive instrument thing? Those rocks you bang on?"

"Course I do!" Han lit up like Christmas. "Come on, it's over here. I keep it by the yew trees. Leia never lets me show anybody. Only lets me play it when no one's around. But those other guys are playing loud enough, I doubt anyone will hear me. I'll show you."

The three of them started off. Leia ran after them with a horrified look. "Han, no! You can't!"

Rey laughed, Ben grinned, and Hux started waving frantically at them from over near the buffet table.

"I think Hux wants something," Ben said.

Rey laboriously got to her feet. "Thanks for playing along," she told Holdo, who was watching them with a funny little smile. "Do you mind if we scoot off?"

"Not at all. But before you go — do you ever intend on telling Leia?"

"Sure," Rey said, grinning. "Some time. Of course we will. But don't you think it's easier? You know Leia. She'd ask you things you can't tell her, wouldn't she? So it makes it easier for you this way. She'll find out eventually."

"Mm-hmm," Holdo didn't sound like she believed it. Still, she turned and sauntered off anyway, merely a cheeky glance and an arched brow thrown over her thin shoulder.

Ben's hand found the small of Rey's back, getting her attention again. Hux was not-so-casually wandering off in the direction of the gazebo, at the far edge of the party.

"So what's going on?" she asked excitedly. "Feels like something's up."

"With any luck, it'll get us away from this for a bit." He took her hand, lacing his fingers between hers, and tugged her away from what looked like another set of approaching well-wishers. They'd had quite enough of that for the time being. If Gwen's foreshadowing yesterday was any indication, there was definitely something afoot here that his mother wouldn't approve of.

The music from the main party was quieter over here, fading into the background as they drew away from the party towards the little white gazebo. The same place where they'd bound themselves to one another through emotional vows, in front of only two equally emotional witnesses. It couldn't have held a more different scene now, with most of their friends gathered around in it, leaning against the railing or sitting on it.

Someone had dragged a table into the middle of the gazebo and put some chairs around it, though no one sat there now.

"I wasn't sure it was going to work," Hux admitted with a grin when they got there. "We got nervous when your father wasn't showing up."

"Was he in on your plan?" Ben asked.

"No," Hux replied. "But we knew he'd be good for the distraction anyway."

"A distraction for what, exactly?" asked Rey.

Rose slipped her arm through Rey's free one, hooking her to her side. "A distraction so Leia didn't see us steal you away from all her guests for a few silly games."

"Games?" Rey sounded appalled and already tired when she asked it, which made a few of the friends laugh.

"Yeah," Rose said, grinning a wide, dimpled grin. "Baby showers usually have games. But Leia squashed all of Poe's ideas when they joined forces for this thing."

Hardly surprising. Ben had purposely denied Poe's plan of having two separate showers, pushing him to collaborate with Leia instead so they didn't have to endure two of these things. But it was always inevitable that Poe would get steamrolled by Leia's idea of what a good shower would look like. Ben knew his mother was a force of nature.

Poe, however, was well-practiced dealing with such forces. He could be subversive.

"Don't worry," Jess assured Rey, grinning. "Nobody's gonna make you run an obstacle course. The games are simple."

"For example," said Rose, "Poe's been going around soliciting any of the guests who seem agreeable to guess the weight of your little peanut when she's born."

"It's really more of a pool," Hux eagerly corrected. "People are putting money down."

This surprised Ben a little. He glanced back the partygoers, wondering which of his mother's friends had been game for a little betting. There were a few wildcards among the stuffy traditionalists. Wedge, probably. Mara, definitely, as long as Luke didn't find out — he was staunchly against gambling of any kind, even in a low-stakes pool like this. Certainly not Mothma or Ackbar. But any acquaintances of his father would definitely jump at the chance.

"What have they been guessing?" Rey asked curiously.

Tallie laughed, motioned at Ben, and said with an apologetic grin. "Big, darling. Very big. Look at the stud. No kid from his genes is going to be small, let's face it."

"How big?"

"Eight, nine pounds. Some bigger than that, but I don't want to scare you."

Rey gave her this funny little smile. She didn't seem as alarmed as Ben thought this news would make her. "Can I join the pool?"

"No," Hux objected immediately. "You've got the doctor every week telling you how big or small she is. So no. Neither can Solo."

"As it so happens," chimed in Jannah, sitting next to Kaydel who watched the proceedings with bright, keen eyes, "only one person has guessed small. That friend of Leia's you were just talking to. She guessed six pounds even."

Ben and Rey exchanged a glance. The balls on Holdo, surreptitiously joining a betting pool where she alone had insider information. In hindsight, the purple hair really should have been an indicator that she didn't play by the rules, but still — it surprised Ben. Rey too, by the look on her face.

Poe and Finn finally joined them again, faces flushed, grins huge.

"The wrath of your mother, Solo," Finn panted when they stepped up into the gazebo — they must have run from the yew garden, "is nothing to contend with."

"You think this is news to me?" Ben asked mildly.

Poe shook his head. "Listen, your poor dad. I told him to come over in a few minutes so he could play a drinking game with us. That guy seriously needs a beer."

"A drinking game!" Rey bristled. "Leia's put together this really nice thing. I don't want you lot getting smashed and ruining this for her."

"Trust me," Poe laughed, "I don't even think it's possible to get smashed the way I plan for us to do it."

He very quickly got everyone organized, bidding Rey to sit at the table while Jess ran around to pull a previously hidden cooler out from behind the bushes. Everyone else assembled on the railing of the gazebo, awaiting Poe's order like some kind of mismatched motley orchestra. Ben stood nearest to Rey, slightly behind her, leaning on one of the support posts with his arms folded over his chest. He was a little skeptical of whatever was about to go down. Not that he was complaining, of course. This was exactly what he'd been hoping for.

But still. He knew Poe could be a little...enthusiastic.

"Okay," announced his oldest friend rather loudly. Ben thought he saw a few heads swivel their direction from the rest of the party guests. "We've gathered here together by Leia's invitation, to properly shower our love — and gifts — on these two soon-to-be parents. In the spirit of the occasion, Finn and I have prepared some themed competitions. The first is a test of perception. We're pitting all of you against our resident super-sniffer and favorite bump fashion icon, Mama Rey. To win, you'll have to match or exceed her correct guesses."

"This is a smelling challenge?" Rey asked, a slight grin curling at the corner of her mouth.

"Indeed it is," said Poe grandly. He turned to the cooler behind him and withdrew a box. He set that box on the table. "Now, this is how the game will go."

Ben noticed a few other people wandering over, curious about the commotion. Mara was among them. He decided to ignore the spectators and focus back on Poe, who had withdrawn from his basket a bundled up diaper.

Poe unfolded it, and displayed a sticky, gooey brown center. Several people groaned.

"Finn will give each of you a blank list numbered one through five," Poe explained, "as well as a pen. I will then pass around this little gem. You will open it, sniff the contents, and then write down your guess for what it is. You'll do this for five diapers. Afterwards, we'll have Rey give it a shot and tell us what's in each of them."

Rey laughed. "I'm guessing you didn't have a volunteer baby provide these samples?"

"No," confirmed Poe. "This is not real feces. Nobody puke on me, okay?"

Well that was a relief at least.

Finn passed out the papers and pens. Poe then ceremoniously handed the open diaper over to Rose, who was the first in line. She wrinkled her nose and closed one eye in an obvious show of reluctance, slowly bringing it up to her face and giving a quick, nervous inhale. She blinked, cocked her head, and sniffed again. Then she smiled and passed the diaper on to Hux.

After Hux, Ben got it. One whiff told him it was definitely some kind of melted chocolate. He wrote down Hershey Bar.

Everyone took a turn and then wrote down their guesses. The next diaper came down the line, this one smeared with something that definitely looked like peanut butter. The next was reddish brown and had a spicy, earthy kind of smell. Ben guessed some kind of barbecue sauce. There was another chocolate something or other and the final one, Ben really had no idea at all, but it looked like it had corn in it.

Rey turned to watch them with amusement, but when her turn came she was all concentration. The group watched her, anticipation running high. She took the first diaper and gave it a delicate sniff.

"That's a Reeses Peanut Butter Cup," she said confidently after not even a full second of deliberation.

Poe grinned. "Correct!"

"What!" cried Jess. "No way. That only smelled like chocolate. Where was the peanut butter?"

Poe ignored her and gave Rey the second. She again took a quick smell. "Butterfinger," she announced.

"Right again," Poe crowed.

Everyone groaned. Ben crossed out his guess of peanut butter. He didn't mind being wrong. It was more fun to watch Rey's oversensitive nose be put to funny use.

The third diaper made her wince. "Ancho chili sauce," she said.

"That's it!" said Poe.

She also guessed correctly on the Bounty coconut chocolate bar and the Snickers. Ben thought the peanuts were corn.

About half the group did abysmally bad, like himself. The other half did decently well. Nobody got them all right except for Rey. Ben high-fived her at the end of it.

The next game saw them moving out to the lawn where Poe and Finn spread an oversized Twister mat. They provided each person with a balloon to put under their shirts, and suddenly Rey wasn't the only one sporting a bump. Again Poe had her sit, this time to be the one who called the Twister moves. The rest of them had to try to keep their balloon from popping.

More of Leia's guests wandered over to watch this one, Luke horrified to find that Mara had actually jumped into the game herself this time. Ben stretched his long body to put the appropriate limbs on the right colored circle, trying not to contort in any funny way that would pop his balloon or send it shooting out the bottom of his shirt like Hux's did on one particular cru nch. People fell, balloons burst, Rey laughed so hard she had to pause and game and beeline for the bathroom.

The amusement of the spectators made Ben feel a bit like an actor providing entertainment for these elites. But he didn't really care. They could laugh. He was having much more fun doing this than he was talking to all of them.

In the end, Mara was dubbed the champion of the game, and Ben's friends decided she was the coolest aunt ever.

By this point, Han had noticed the gathering and joined them.

"I want in on the next game," he told Poe.

"The proud grandfather joins the challenge!" Poe announced and everyone cheered. "That's great news, old man, because I have just the game for you."

While he rolled his mysterious cooler back over to the group, Ben risked a glance back at the party to see if his mother had noticed that some of her guests had congregated away from the music and food. Her back was to them, talking to Nora and Wedge, and Ben really couldn't tell if she hadn't clued in or if she had but was graciously letting them have their fun.

"I'm pretty sure she knows," said Rey, slipping up beside him.

He slid an arm around her, pressing a kiss into the top of her head. "Are you having a better time now?"

"Definitely," she laughed. "Are you?"

"Yes, I am."

"Okay, lovebirds, break it up," Poe told them when he was ready. "Please take a seat again, Rey. Sorry, but you'll have to sit this one out and serve only in an adjudicatory capacity."

He withdrew a baby bottle filled with amber liquid.

"Kids, this isn't your mama's milk. This here is a local brew from a brewery I represent. If you like it, I can point you their direction. Okay, advertisement over. The goal of this game is to drink this down as quickly as you can. First one to finish wins. Simple as that."

Ben hadn't touched alcohol since Rey told him about her pregnancy. It didn't seem right to him that he should get to drink while she couldn't, all because of something that was arguably his fault. But he'd drink now. Because it was a measly eight ounces. Because this garden party baby shower was ridiculous. And mostly because his father was playing, and Ben never turned down an opportunity to show the old man up. He reached for a bottle.

Poe pushed his hand away. "Oh no. Not for you. I've got a special bottle for you. A particular drink just for daddy dearest, the father of the surprise peanut."

After he passed out the rest of the bottles to those who wanted to participate, he pulled out a final one and gave it to Ben. The liquid inside was wine-dark and had bubbles.

Rey gave it a skeptical look. "Poe, what is that? Are you trying to get him drunk?"

"Now, now, Rey. You've been friends with Ben for a long time. How often have you seen him get drunk?"

"Not very many," Rey admitted.

"It takes a lot to get this guy to lose his footing," Poe laughed, slapping Ben on the back. "We just thought the man of the hour deserved something better than what the common folk drink."

Ben wasn't entirely convinced Poe didn't have nefarious ulterior motives, but he shrugged, willing to drink it anyway. He gave the bottle a sniff, but detected only sweet fruity notes.

Pretty much everyone was participating. Poe, Finn, Hux, Gwen, Rose, Jess, Tallie, Kaydel, Jannah, even Paige and Dallow. Mara took a seat by Rey and gave her a companionable squeeze of the hand.

"I'll leave this one to the young," she laughed.

"Not me," said Han, eagerly taking his bottle in hand and raising it in a toast. "I know I can pound this thing faster than any of you pups."

Luke, among the casual spectators, frowned but did not comment on his disapproval.

Rey got up quickly to trip over to Ben and tug him down to her. "Smoke 'em. For me." She gave his cheek a kiss and then flitted away again, back to her chair.

Ben smirked. He intended to do just that.

Poe laughed. "Okay. Rey, count us down!"

"On your mark. Get set." She paused, an eager grin dazzling over her face. "Go!"

At once everybody lifted the baby bottles to their lips, fitting oversized mouths over tiny rubber nipples. The onlookers laughed, and Ben knew that they must look ridiculous — a bunch of grown people furiously sucking on baby bottles.

Ben felt really silly, honestly. His huge hands made the bottle feel even smaller. And he jerked away at the first taste of whatever devil's blood Poe had put into his bottle. It was nauseatingly sweet, but from the fiery burn he knew the alcohol content had to be absurdly high. Still, he was determined to win.

The others expressed their dismay at the frustratingly slow flow through the nipple, laughing or growling about the tiny amount that came out on the first sip.

But after he got over the shock of whatever he was drinking, Ben found familiarity in the flow. The initial draw drew the burning liquid onto his tongue in a thin spurt. It reminded him so much of Rey, and the way her colostrum hit his tongue, that he quickly lost focus on the task at hand. The mystery booze scorched through his mouth in all the wrong ways. It didn't have the tangy natural and subtle sweetness of Rey. And the nipple wasn't right either. It was too stiff, too narrow, too long. But the motion for getting liquid out was the same, and the feeling of it was familiar enough that he almost popped a boner right there, losing track of everyone else while he imagined it was her instead. That they were alone in that cabin in the woods again, that she had his name on her lips, and he has two fingers snugly buried in her heat, one of her breasts in his mouth. He imagined he was taking sweetness from her instead of syrupy alcohol from plastic. He could practically feel her writhing, could almost hear her worship.

Maybe it was a ridiculous way to get through the challenge, but Ben was pulled into it helplessly anyway.

And a moment later, he let the empty bottle drop to his side, shaking his head against the flames licking through his gut and the faint ringing in his ear, dimly aware of some cheering.

"You're already done?" Poe said in dismay, briefly lowering his half-downed bottle.

Rose completely abandoned hers, jumping around next to Ben like an excited child. "That was amazing! You chugged that thing no problem. Do you guys already have a bottle at home? Have you been practicing? How are you so good at this?"

"I don't think practice would help," Han complained, rubbing his jaw. It no doubt ached the way Ben's did from trying madly suction too much liquid out of too small an opening. "You can give it as much technique as you want, doesn't make the flow any faster. These damn things make my whole face hurt."

Rey was off her chair again, barreling her way in between Rose and Ben. "When I told you to win, I didn't realize you'd take it so seriously!" she said, laughing.

Ben was still a little bit feeling the effects of the fantasy that gave him his victory, so his attention drifted from her eyes to her lips and there lingered. He leaned down to catch them with his own, giving her a little taste of the fruity abomination. It didn't really bother him as much as it usually did that there were so many people around. He didn't care if they saw.

"Shit, Poe, what did you give him?" Rey laughed, breaking away from the kiss with a little lick to her lips. "That tastes like fruit punch."

Ben wasn't quite ready to let her go yet, so his hand slid around her waist and he pulled her in until her bump was pressed in snug against him and he leaned down to whisper in her ear. "Thanks for the inspiration. And the practice."

When he did let her go and she stepped back, a lovely flush of color had creeped over her cheeks.

Another cheer erupted, distracting Ben from considering how charming the effect of her blush was. They looked to see Kaydel triumphantly brandishing her empty bottle next, throwing Ben a fierce, competitive look — even though he'd already won.

He smiled. Because it was nice to see her participating with everyone, and clearly having a good time. He really didn't know why he'd never thought of inviting her before. Really, it was a terrible oversight of his to have never thought of her at all outside of work. She was a nice person. She would definitely fit right in with Jess and Rose and Jannah and everyone else. Rey too. She'd probably get along famously with Rey.

Eventually Poe took third, and everyone else gave up, laughing and teasing each other just the same. Ben could feel the mystery drink buzzing through his head now, and it really wasn't so bad. He felt so much more charitable towards everyone — even his mother's stuffy guests. And when he saw her marching towards them, face lined with annoyance, he couldn't help but feel a burst of affectionate sympathy for her. She tried so hard to give them nice things, and Ben and his father never really appreciated it.

"I need more of a drink than that," Han sighed, watching his wife storm towards them.

Poe grinned. "If you come quick, we can run away to the other cooler I've got stashed in my car. I've got more in there."

"Grown-up sized this time?"

"Promise," Poe laughed. "Come on, old timer."

He and Han ducked away before Leia got to them. Ben still had enough wits about him to know he definitely shouldn't follow.

Rey frowned. "Poe never told me what he gave you."

"Some kind of sangria, I'd imagine," Ben said mildly. He didn't care as much as she did, apparently. It was almost a kindness, when he thought about it. Poe had given him something to take the edge off, and now this party seemed...maybe pleasant. Which was radical.

Mara intercepted Leia with a genial smile. "Leia! So thoughtful of you to organize a few fun games as a distraction. I know Ben and Rey both had a great time. You're so clever to think of these things."

Leia paused, glancing at the faces of some of her guests. They all wore smiles. "I, uh...I'm glad you enjoyed yourselves. Now that they're over — they are over, right?"

Mara nodded. "All done, I'm pretty sure."

"Well, I need Ben and Rey to come back and meet a few more friends of mine."

Rey took Ben's hand and pulled him away from their friends. "We're right here, Leia. Lead away. We'll follow."

Her hand was soft. Ben glanced down at it, admiring the way they fit together. He liked their size difference. It was kind of a turn on, honestly. Like she was this fragile little thing he could hold in his hands, except there was nothing fragile about her. She was so strong. The way she carried the burden of her past like a backpack she forgot she was wearing. The way she carried the burden of another whole person inside her. The way she held her head up among all these hoity-toit bigwigs who looked at her like some garbage urchin.

"I'm…" Ben struggled to tell her how he was feeling, about the awe coursing through his veins. "Rey, I'm really amazed by you."

She darted a glance back at him as Leia took them towards an elderly couple. "What? Why?"

"You're…just amazing."

"Are you drunk? What did he give you?"

"I'm not drunk," Ben said confidently. But everything looked so shiny. Like it was all covered in a soft focus. Like vaseline over a camera lens, the way they used to do it in old movies. The people looked very grand in their fine garden party clothes. Ben issued a soft, incredulous little laugh. "But I might be a little tipsy."

"I thought it took more than a few ounces to get you there."

"Normally. But I swear he gave me eighty proof."

"Damn him." She slowed her step and murmured a hasty, "Keep it together, okay?"

To show her he could do it, Ben smiled brightly when his mother introduced the couple. Something about him being department chair. Ben missed their names, but he wasn't sure he really needed them.

"It's nice to meet you," he said pleasantly. "Thanks for coming."

The old woman's face brightened when she looked down at Rey's bump, a hand coming out to touch. "Oh, you just look adorable," she cooed. "Like you're ready, too. When are you due?"

While Rey politely gave her an answer, Ben looked at the husband with contemplative regard. "Isn't it weird that people feel like they can touch her stomach just because there's a baby in there? I think she should reciprocate by touching theirs. That would definitely get them to stop."

"Ben," his mother hissed. "They're not trying to be rude."

The man chuckled. "It's alright, Leia. It is kind of weird, now that you mention it."

Encouraged by this reply, Ben opened up, asking the couple about their careers and their family. When they said they had three children, he asked their advice. It was actually really nice talking to them. He couldn't remember why he'd thought this so tedious and boring before.

When they eventually wandered off, he struck up conversations with others. He networked. He talked business. He talked about his personal life, about the house he was under contract for, about how nervous he was to become a father. And the biggest surprise was how nice most everyone was when he talked to them. They were supportive and kind, and interested and eager. He told Luke about some of the business networking he'd done.

"Are you sure these are solid leads, Ben?" Luke asked skeptically. "I don't know what the Dameron kid gave you but you seem a little buzzed."

"They're solid," Ben told him. "Follow up, if you want. I've been texting them to you, the names of the people interested in our help."

Luke didn't argue, so Ben left him to his instruction and wandered away again. Eventually Rey found him and pulled him to a table.

"I need to sit down," she told him. "I'm so tired."

The wild urge to sweep her up off her feet and storm around until he found a suitably soft chair rose up in him like a mad impulse. Thankfully he wasn't drunk enough to think that she would appreciate something like that in a setting like this. So instead he sat down next to her at a table and signaled one of the hired servers to bring them some water.

"You've become Mister Social," she observed with a little smile. "I lost track of you there for a minute. Suddenly these people you've resented all night became your best friends."

"Not all of them," Ben said darkly, thinking of Maureen and the gaggle of gossipy neighbors. "Not the ones who don't like us, but are only here for the social scene."

Rey laughed. "Who comes to a baby shower for the social scene?"

"Busybodies," Ben said.

He kept glancing at her. At the way the sunlight caught in her hair, igniting some of her nutmeg brown into blazing gold. The way it turned her complex hazel eyes into dazzling, sparkling pools of mercury. The way her mouth, that adorable, kissable little mouth pursed a tad in disapproval when she watched Poe and Han come back, big grins on their faces and two bottles in hand.

Kaydel came and sat down next to Rey, striking up a conversation about how weird it was to see her prickly, serious boss in this casual setting. Rey laughed. Ben had heard her laugh a thousand times before, but it sounded positively musical now. His eyes widened and he leaned forward a little, waiting for her to do it again.

Rey gave him a funny look.

Kaydel smirked. "I'm surprised he's holding up this well, actually. I saw that Poe guy putting some of that capriccio sangria into the bottle, and that stuff will get you messy-drunk in no time."

"Fuck him, I knew it was something like that," Rey groaned.

Ben laughed. "It's fine. Honestly. Poe's always messing with me like that. Ever since we were kids."

"He's trying to make you embarrass yourself in front of your mom's friends." Rey sounded — protective. A shiver of delight ran down Ben's spine. She was worried about him, and she didn't like that someone was trying to humiliate him. God, he loved her so much.

"I won't," he promised her.

Kaydel laughed. Her laugh was nice, Ben thought, but not like Rey's. He was fixating, he knew, but he couldn't help it. This woman carrying his child, she was captivating. She always had been, but especially now. With a little nudge from the capriccio, he was definitely appreciating her anew.

Like the first time. When he saw her in the bar with her friends.

Only this was different because he knew everything about her now. And this time he knew she loved him back.

It was enough to take his breath away.

Before he knew it, the table had filled up with Rose, Hux, Finn, and Poe. Everybody was in a good mood. Ben appreciated their company, but he made sure to stand and greet whichever of his mother's guests came by to congratulate them.

"It's been a while since we've seen this side of him," Rose giggled. "I forgot how social he gets."

"Our favorite misanthrope becomes suddenly enamored with the world," Poe said proudly.

Ben ignored them. He was stuck on Rey again, marveling at her bump, at the way her body had adjusted so naturally to accommodate it. She was stunning.

"Baby," he said softly, leaning over the table so she knew he was talking to her. "You're honest-to-God to prettiest girl I've ever seen. _Woman_ , the prettiest woman."

Rey wrinkled her nose, even as a blush stole over her cheeks. "Ben."

He glanced at the others at the table. "Isn't she? They weren't kidding about the glow. She's radiant."

They laughed. He frowned, not really understanding why they didn't immediately agree with him. Everybody here at the table was good-looking, even weasely, pasty Hux. They didn't need to be petty and jealous. It occurred to Ben that he might never have thought of Hux as beautiful before.

He shook his head and returned his attention to the only person that mattered.

"I'm serious. You're gorgeous. I always thought so. Nobody has ever compared to you. But you're especially pretty today. Like you were when we were here last month."

"Why's that, buddy?" Poe asked, grinning. "Is it because you knocked her up and you think that's hot?"

Maybe. A primal thing inside him definitely thought it was hot. Evolution speaking its approval through his ancestral DNA, probably. He had fulfilled the mandate of every living thing to propagate, to pass on his genetic material. He'd participated in the great wheel of life, and so could arguably be considered an evolutionary success. Which was more than any of the rest of their friends could say. Their genetic material wasted by the roadside. Ben and Rey's would go on.

He shook his head, dragging himself back from the weeds he'd gotten lost in. Probably some kinky part of him thought it was hot that he'd shot his load into an unprotected womb and it had taken. That was maybe a component to his wonder too.

Also the sangria.

But mostly—

"No, Poe. She's a literal goddess. What have you ever made in your life but a giant shit after a burrito? She's creating _life_. A whole new person. And she bears it so well. Look at her. So strong. So pretty."

Rey smiled, leaning over on her chair to place a kiss on his cheek. "You're sweet, my tipsy Ben."

"I've never seen this version of him," Kaydel laughed. "It's delightful."

But Ben didn't pay her any attention because a surge of emotion had suddenly caught in his throat and his vision grew misty. "I can't believe —" he swallowed hard and tried again. "I can't believe you're my wife."

A ripple of laughter echoed around him, and Hux waved him down. "Hey, come back from orbit, Solo. She's not your wife yet."

"Yes," Ben said with a frown. "Yes she is."

"She's your fiancée right now, buddy," said Poe. "She'll be your wife soon. Just a few months."

That...wasn't right. Ben opened his mouth to protest again but Rey caught his attention with a touch to his hand.

"Hey," she said, and he closed his mouth again. "You need to chill. And I need to get you some food so help soak up some of that poison Poe gave you."

"I haven't eaten," Ben acknowledged. Food sounded great right now.

"I'll get you some," she said with a smile.

"No, no, you don't need to do it," said Hux, getting up. "I'll make him a plate."

"No funny business," Rey warned him.

"I wouldn't do that to you," Hux agreed.

"He's a good sport, that Armitage," Ben said appreciatively. "I think I give him a hard time. But he's always good to you, Rey. Compatriots. Siblings from another land. Except Gwen is his sibling. But he's decent to Rose too. So I should really give him respect. He's a good egg."

Rose laughed. "Poe, I think the capriccio was a mistake."

Poe lifted his hands defensively. "Look, I didn't know he was going to gulp it down like that. The game was supposed to be hard."

"Do you know why I was good at it?" Ben said conspiratorially. They should know the secret of his victory. He liked them. He could give them this gem of knowledge.

Rey lunged forward as best as her body allowed and she clapped her warm, soft hands over his mouth, cheeks a lovely pink, eyes wide, laughing an incredulous, embarrassed laugh.

"Ben, don't. Poe, I'm gonna kill you."

Poe laughed. Ben took her wrist and held her hand against his mouth, kissing into her palm. His other hand trailed over her distended stomach.

"Wow," said Finn. "He's not shy about the PDA is he? That's new. I don't remember him being like this the last time he got drunk."

Rey pulled her arm out of his grasp. "Yeah, well, things are a little different now."

"I have a wife now," Ben agreed, shooting a gloating glance at the others. "And a daughter on the way. Which is more than any of you can say."

"A fiancée," Poe corrected again with obvious delight.

"Right," said Ben, even though he still thought that didn't make much sense. He motioned at Rose. "Hey, but we don't have to be the only ones. Hux would marry you in a heartbeat. Why won't you marry him?"

Rose blushed as brightly as Rey had done a moment ago, and Ben really appreciated whatever biological mechanism it was that made people get all pink when they got flustered. It was such a nice effect.

"Not our business, Ben," Rey reminded him mildly, but the little grin teasing at the corner of her lovely, magnetic mouth told him she appreciated the question anyway.

"I mean, she obviously loves him," Ben insisted. "I don't get it."

"Not everyone wants to be married, boss," Kaydel observed.

"Bullshit," said Ben. "We might tell ourselves that, but deep down inside we all want someone to promise themselves to us forever. It's a basic human urge, to find that one great, committed love."

Hux came back with the plate of food right about then, and Rose jumped to her feet.

"Hey, babe, look at the time! We should get going. Party's gonna end soon anyway and we wanted to catch that movie, remember? Let's go."

Hux looked around in surprise. "Now?"

"Yep!" She turned, seizing him by the arm and practically dragging him away.

"Eat," Rey said, pushing the plate in front of him. "Not that this Ben isn't a funny Ben, but I need you to have a little bit more control over that mouth of yours."

"You like my mouth," Ben said distractedly as he picked up one of those fancy pear pancetta puffs. "Why does she do this? Why does she always get these fancy ass foods. I could go for some corn on the cob and little smokies. You know. Those itty bitty hot dogs?"

"Wah, my family is too rich. Why do we have to be so rich? I don't want nice things," Rey mocked, her tone lightly teasing and affectionate. Ben replied by popping the puff into his mouth.

Poe laughed. "You just described Ben's whole life. That's what I've had to listen to since we were kids. I'd tell him all the time to embrace his privilege. Enjoy the goodlife you've got."

"I didn't earn it," Ben rebutted, finding the old familiar argument still perfectly preserved inside him. "It's not mine."

"It's good to stay grounded," Rey said warmly, brushing her fingers through his hair. Ben practically purred with pleasure. "But it's also silly to resent what you have."

"We'll never be this rich," Ben told her, pausing before taking a bite of some prosciutto on a seven grain cracker with caprese salsa drizzled over top. "Is that okay? I promise I'll take care of you. I promise we'll be comfortable. And Olive, she'll have a good life. A happy life. But we'll never be this rich."

"Olive, huh?" Poe said, eyebrows lifting.

Rey smiled. "It's okay, Ben. That's all I want. And you're not doing it alone either. I'll help you."

He really wanted to kiss her again, but as he leaned forward to do it, she snatched the cracker out of his hand and popped it into his mouth.

"I like it," Finn decided after a minute. "You don't hear it anymore, but it's still classic."

"Olivia might have been better…" Poe said thoughtfully. "But hey, it's your kid."

"Olivia is way too common," Kaydel shot back with a little grin. "It's everywhere. Super trendy. Olive is edgy. I love it."

"Cuz all of your opinions matter so much," Ben muttered, focusing in on the food in earnest now.

They laughed.

The food helped curb the edge off Ben's buzz, but it didn't diminish it completely, which was welcome. He enjoyed himself for the rest of the time, raffle and silly cake-cutting included, and based on the way Rey was laughing at almost everything he did, he suspected he helped her get through it too. By the time she drove him back to their condo that evening, they both concluded that it had ended much better than it started. And Han was right. They did make out like bandits. The only thing they didn't have was the baby herself.

But she would arrive soon enough.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Next up: Big Things Happen
> 
> ALSO I HAVE SOMETHING VERY SPECIAL TO SHOW ALL OF YOU AND I'M SO EXCITED and I thiiiiiink I can show you next chapter, depending on how it works out.


	22. Brace

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Did I just wet myself or...?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the delay getting this chapter up. I'd offer you an explanation but you've heard all of it before, lol. Anyway, this next bit in the story is in 3 parts. This is part one. Part two is already written and will be up later this evening. Part three will be up in a couple days because it's only half-written.
> 
> That thing I promised to show you? I will show you in part 3, I decided. A treat on the other side of this.

**CHAPTER TWENTY-TWO**

**Brace**

* * *

FOURTY-ONE WEEKS — Pumpkin

It didn't happen the way she thought it would.

Definitely not the way it happens in movies.

She'd driven herself to the brink of insanity almost every day for the last two weeks watching for signs that it would happen. Every small twinge became amplified tenfold in her anxious mind, every sneeze that overtaxed her compressed bladder, every time she woke in the night with painful pressure and a tight, _tight_ sensation in her middle and lower back that would inevitably, and disappointingly, go away when she shifted positions — it all messed with her in a big way and made her think that it could happen at any moment.

Like they way it was always depicted. A dramatic break, a sudden ferocious pain, and an indisputable knowledge that "I'm in labor!"

It didn't happen like that.

And Rey was _exhausted_.

She felt stupid when frustrated tears welled up in her eyes at the appointment on her due date, when Holdo checked her cervix and reported no dilating, no thinning. No progress. She cried because her emotions were stretched to their razor thin edge. Because she'd been having uncomfortable Braxon Hicks contractions for days and had hoped that mean they were doing something productive for her body. Because even though she was still afraid to give birth, she was so unbearably _uncomfortable_ , and watching for signs of labor was driving her crazy.

Holdo told her to relax and do something distracting to get her mind off things.

But that advice was basically impossible. She was keyed up with anxiety about birth, and keyed up with anxiety about how she'd know it was time. Even though she'd looked up all the information. Even though the hospital tour had told her. Even though Holdo herself gave clear, calm, concise explanations at every appointment. She still didn't know what it would _feel_ like, and so she couldn't relax.

Ben tried to help. When she started experimenting with all the tricks to induce labor after that disappointing forty week appointment, he gamely participated. Some tricks he liked better than others. He didn't enjoy watching her sweat through the insanely spicy food — he himself couldn't handle it as hot as she did. He worried the whole time she writhed from stomach cramps after, suffering nothing but diarrhea and heartburn for her efforts. He plied her with pineapple and dates and raspberry leaf tea, and found a prenatal massage therapist who said she could work on the right pressure points to kickstart labor. It felt heavenly, and Rey experienced a few hopeful contractions after, but it ultimately went nowhere.

His favorite methods were obvious. He happily provided as much nipple stimulation as she required, and enthusiastically supplied as much semen as she could take to try to ripen her cervix with his prostaglandins. He coaxed her into ferociously strong orgasm after orgasm, and drilled her as roughly as she asked for it. While this tactic was incredibly fun and fulfilling, it didn't work. At her 41-week appointment, Rey endured the probing reach of Holdo one more time just to learn that her cervix was still fiercely protective of its precious cargo and unwilling to yield.

"This is normal, sweetie," Holdo told her gently when Rey grit back another wave of frustration.

Normal it may be, but Rey was miserable. She couldn't sleep. Her body hurt all the time. It was hard to concentrate on anything, including her work. She worried about what would happen if she spontaneously went into labor while Ben was at work, and it happened too quickly for him to get home, and she ended up birthing by herself alone on the bathroom floor. She felt tired and nauseated and this new thing had started which she'd begun to think of as "lightning crotch" where pressure from Olive's head pressing down caused sparks of electric pain through her vagina. It always made her jump when it happened.

Ben's thumb rubbed soothingly across her hand, but he said nothing.

Holdo observed them for a moment. When she spoke again, it was soft and careful. "Normally I like to let first time mothers go into labor on their own, but I promise I won't let you get to forty-two weeks. Why don't we do a quick ultrasound to check on baby to make sure she's well, and then, if you're open to it, we can talk about induction."

Rey nodded.

They hadn't _seen_ Olive since the anatomy scan when they learned she was a _she_ , so this cheered her a little. Holdo left the room to get whatever it was that she needed. Ben stood up and leaned his hands on the exam table on either side of where she sat, dark eyes staring into hers.

"Rey," he said softly, "It's going to be okay. She _will_ get here."

"I know." Her throat ached and her eyes filled with unspilled tears, very much against her will. "And I know everything will change when she does. But I just…I can't do it anymore."

His hand found the back of her head, pulling her into him for a kiss before he leaned his forehead against hers. "You've come so far. You've done so well. Better than anyone had any right to ask of you."

She closed her eyes and breathed him in, letting the comfort of his unbridled affection soothe her. It didn't take away any of her sense of urgency to get her body to cooperate, but she basked in it anyway.

He spoke so softly. "She said induction. Is that what you want?"

"I…" She hesitated. Rey had tried to steer clear of birth forums, but the information found its way to her anyway. The naturalists who opposed all medical interventions, including inductions. She knew what they said. That babies would come in their own time. That forcing them out early had consequences. So a part of her quailed in the face of the prospect. Like she had failed…or something. But another part of her was desperate for an escape.

"Yes. I think so," she concluded.

The door opened again, and Ben lifted his head, stepping back. Holdo came shuffling in backwards, pulling along a cart with her. The cart bore what looked like a smaller version of the big ultrasound machine they'd seen in the imaging center at the twenty week scan. She pulled it into the spot she wanted and plugged it in. The machine hummed to life.

Both Rey and Ben watched her silently, anticipation quickly building as she set everything up.

"Alright, hun," she said, flicking on the monitor. "Go ahead and lie back for me, okay?"

Rey did, twinging a little as her sciatic nerve protested the movement. She felt all wrong these days. Like nothing was where it was supposed to be in her body anymore. Nothing had room, except Olive. It wasn't at all a cute or sweet feeling. She wanted her insides back where they belonged, and she wanted this heavy, squirmy, hiccup-y baby in her arms where she could see her face and decide if she looked more like her father or her mother. She wanted to be able to pass the baby off to Ben, too, and roll over onto her empty stomach and stretch out like a cat and fall into a deep, deep sleep.

Holdo squirted the gel over the lower part of Rey's dome, arcing from ribcage to pelvis. She skated the wand threw the gel a bit and then quickly and efficiently located the head. A tiny profile came into view.

"She's in a good position," Holdo said approvingly. With a deft swivel, she located Olive's heart and clicked on the sound as she monitored the BPM. "Steady heartbeat. Doesn't look like she's in any stress." Sliding the ultrasound around a bit more, she honed in on a pretty banal blank space and clicked through a measurement. "Looks like you've still got plenty of amniotic fluid. Rey, your daughter is perfectly perfect and very comfortable."

"That makes one of us," Rey sighed.

Ben swallowed as Holdo clicked off the machine and wiped Rey down Maybe she saw something in his face, because she paused with a knowing smile and said softly, "Soon enough, Ben. You'll get to see her again soon enough. In ultra-high-definition."

His lips twitched into a sheepish grin. "I think I'm ready for that."

"I know you are," said Holdo. She returned her attention to Rey. "Which leads me to my question. I don't think I want you to go another full week. So — are you comfortable with the idea of induction?"

"I just don't know what to expect with that. I don't know what it entails. Especially if I'm not progressing. How do you just force labor to happen?"

"We've got some medication that can ripen your cervix," she explained patiently. "And we can do synthetic oxytocin to get contractions going until your body picks up the rhythm of labor on its own. Don't worry, we're pretty good at getting babies out. We just schedule a day, you call the hospital to find out what time you should come in, and that's it."

It wasn't really what she imagined. But then…it sounded oddly comforting too. Something inside Rey flickered hope. She could have an end in sight. A terminus. She could wake up one morning and know that it would finally happen.

"Yes," she said immediately, "I want to do that."

But her body had a mind of its own. Because after they set the date — five days from then — and even though she stopped trying to symptom watch every damn thing her body was doing — something happened.

It was in the morning of October 19th. Ben was already at work. Rey had slept in, barely giving him a bleary morning kiss goodbye before passing out again after another gruelingly sleepless night. She'd had to wake up _four times_ to pee, and strong Braxton Hicks contractions yanked her out of an uneasy doze twice. She was tired. And she knew she needed to eat, but she felt nauseated too, so she let herself sleep in for a long time.

When her phone buzzed with a meme from Finn, startling her awake, it was already eleven. She rubbed her eyes blearily and slithered out of bed, waddling to the bathroom. She felt generally bad, but with no real way to define exactly why. A shower would probably help. After finishing her pit stop, she turned on the water and waited for it to get warm, peeling off the pajamas she'd worn to stave off the chilly October nights.

As she leaned forward to put her hand under the stream and test the temperature, there was little knocking sensation very low in her pelvis and a sudden warm trickle of fluid ran down her thigh.

She squeaked, stood back up sharply, and swiped a finger against the little trail tracing now down her calf. It wasn't urine. She knew it wasn't. It didn't smell like anything, and she'd _just_ emptied, and the feeling that accompanied it...

Was that her water breaking?

Her heart skipped a beat, and then another, and suddenly with trembling fingers she grabbed her phone and texted Ben.

Because it definitely wasn't urine. And there was too much of it to be mere discharge.

> — _Um...something happened._

He didn't immediately answer, so she set down her phone and got in the shower, thoroughly cleaning herself as best she could. If what happened was real, she was going to have the most intense day of her life. She wanted to at least start out smelling nice. On second thought, maybe she'd better do her hair too. Sure, she'd probably sweat and get greasy, but the nervous energy now coursing through her veins demanded a thorough clean. And while she was at it, maybe she should shave her pits. Too bad she couldn't actually see her southern region, because she'd really like to get rid of that hair too. Maybe there was a hand mirror she could use to accomplish the task.

It didn't _feel_ like she took a long time — her heart raced excitedly through the whole shower, pumping her full of adrenaline and speeding up time — but when she got out and toweled off, she discovered she had _six missed calls_ from Ben and a litany of increasingly panicked text messages.

> **Ben:** What happened?
> 
> **Ben:** Are you okay?
> 
> **Ben:** Rey?
> 
> **Ben:** Sweetheart are you alright?
> 
> **Ben:** Hello?
> 
> **Ben:** Rey wtf
> 
> **Ben:** YOU CAN'T STOP RESPONDING AFTER A TEXT LIKE THAT
> 
> **Ben:** REY
> 
> **Ben:** Where are you?
> 
> **Ben:** ANSWER MY CALLS REY
> 
> **Ben:** I'm sending Hux to check on you.
> 
> **Ben:** He's closer.
> 
> **Ben:** Please answer me
> 
> **Ben:** Forget it. I'm leaving
> 
> **Ben:** Fuck
> 
> **Ben:** Hold on, baby, I'm coming.
> 
> **Ben:** I'm in the car
> 
> **Ben:** Do I need to call an ambulance?
> 
> **Ben:** Please answer
> 
> **Ben:** Fuck

She called him back immediately, feeling sheepish and a little too close to hilarity at the same time. She put the phone on speaker as she quickly slid on some maternity underwear, loose sweats and an oversized tee-shirt.

"Are you alright?" he demanded without any greeting whatsoever.

"Ben, I'm fine—"

"God _dammit_ , _Rey."_ He sounded positively wrecked. His voice shook. "Please, please never fucking do that to me again. Not right now. Not when we're already on pins and needles."

"I'm sorry," she laughed. "I'm sorry. Really, I'm fine. I sent you that text and got in the shower and I didn't even think what it would do to you when I didn't answer."

"Fucking sent me into orbit."

"Yeah, I can tell."

"Has Hux gotten to you yet?"

"Not yet."

"His office is five minutes away. Fucking useless. He should have been there already."

Rey toweled out her hair and finger-combed through it. Reminding herself that she was probably going to be a whole mess by the time she came out the other side of this, so she shouldn't try _too_ hard right now. Still, she kept fussing with her appearance anyway. "You didn't need to call him."

"Yes I did. He'll wait with you until I get there."

"You're really on your way?"

"Yes. What's going on? Do I turn around and go back to work, or do I come home to check on you?"

"Come home," she said with certainty. "I think I'm…leaking."

"Leaking." His voice was instantly sharp again. "Like you think your water broke?"

"Not _broke_ like that, but definitely a major leak."

"I'll be there in fifteen minutes. Fucking accident got everyone narrowed down to one lane. Do you have your go-bag?"

"I'll get it."

"Have you called Holdo's office?"

"No, I just finished getting dressed."

"Okay. Does it hurt? Are you alright?"

"I'm fine. Honestly. I'll call the office to see if this is something I should go in for, but right now I feel fine."

"That's a pretty big relief," he sighed. "Okay. I'll be there soon. I love you."

"I love you too. See you in a minute."

She hung up just as an overly loud and insisted knock rang through the condo. Hurrying downstairs before Hux got nervous and tried to bust his way in, Rey yanked the door open, revealing a startled pale ginger with his fist still in the air

"Oh," he said. "I — thought you were in trouble. Are you alright?"

"I'm okay," she assured him, moving over. "Ben wants you to stay until he gets here though. I think it's unnecessary, but whatever. If you want the break from work, you can have it."

"Alright…" he said suspiciously. He scooted past her and looked around the condo, as if expecting to find evidence of some terrible event. "Are you sure?"

Rey closed the door and looked up Holdo's office number on her contact list. She tapped it, lifted the phone to her ear, and gave him a flippant wave. "I'm sure. Honestly, it's nothing."

She motioned at the couch so he'd sit down. A cheerful secretary answered. Rey explained that she needed to speak with Doctor Holdo about a possible amniotic leak, the secretary sounded dutifully surprised and promised to have the doctor call her back as soon as she was finished with her current patient. Rey hung up, trying not to be too disappointed — or alarmed. It was fine. Everything was fine. She still felt mostly calm…right?

"I'm pretty sure I need to insist that you sit down and take it easy," Hux said uncertainly, and she saw that he still hadn't sat down. He perched on the balls of his feet, as if waiting to catch her when she inevitably collapsed from the trauma of maybe-possibly-sorta going into labor.

She brushed past him, way too agitated to sit down. "Can't."

He followed her. "What's going on? Why did Solo sound like he'd take my head off if I didn't come check on you? What the devil is an amniotic leak?"

"Google it," she said, holding her cumbersome middle as she waddled up the stairs. "Actually, you know what, read me what you find because I think I need to know what the internet recommends here."

Hux followed her right into the bedroom. He leaned against a wall, searching through his phone as she rifled around looking for the hospital bag she'd packed two weeks ago. Under any other circumstances, she would have swiftly ejected him from this space that belonged to her and Ben and all their most intimate moments— but she didn't bother right now. Her mind was far too occupied with other things, and if Ben had instructed Hux to keep an eye on her, she'd just have to reassert her self-reliance another time. He could win this skirmish of wills this time. She was preparing for a much bigger and more important battle.

The information Hux provided alarmed the hell out of him, but reassured Rey a bit. Real incidences of water breaking were rare, leaks were more common, and there were ways to discern an amniotic leak from a bladder leak, and yes, going to Labor and Delivery was recommended to determine what steps to take next. In the meanwhile she'd found her bag and shoved it into Hux's chest so he'd carry it downstairs for her. He followed her to the couch where she sat to wait for Ben.

He fidgeted, shifting from foot to foot. "Are you sure you're okay? This sounds serious. Are you going into labor?"

"I…don't feel like I am?" she admitted with a hint of uncertainty. There were no contractions, no further leaks. She only felt the rhythmic blips of Olive's tiny hiccups.

"But does this mean you're having the baby today?"

"I mean, you read it yourself. Maybe, maybe not. We'll see what they say at the hopsital."

He stared at her for a minute, as if trying to decide if he bought her reassurances or not. Finally, however, he sat in an armchair and sucked in a deep, steadying breath. "Okay. So we'll wait for Ben, and then you two will go get the verdict."

"Right." Rey checked her phone as if that would magically summon a return call from Holdo. "And you will no doubt tell Rose and she'll text me freaking out."

"I already told her," he confirmed.

She laughed. "When?"

"After I read you the stuff about the leak. Sounds scary."

"I thought you wanted kids with her. Why would you tell her about the scary stuff?"

"I need the moral support."

" _You_ need the support?" she laughed again. "To be here with me? I'm not going to shoot the baby out into your lab."

"You'd better not!"

"What's going on with you two, anyway? You _do_ want kids with her, don't you?"

He turned his face away, giving a sniff and shrugging. "Of course I do. But I'd like to her to marry me first. Some of us still like to do things in order." He snuck a glance at her. "Are you offended?"

She grinned. "No."

"Maybe you should call the hospital and find out what they want you to do," Hux offered, bringing them back to the crisis at hand.

It was a good idea, so Rey did. The nurse on the phone was super nice, and confirmed that yes, she should definitely come down to get it tested. Rey told her she'd be there within the hour, and they said they'd have a bed waiting.

Rey reported the news to Hux, who looked satisfied.

Ben arrived like a hurricane, bursting through the door as if he didn't care if he tore it down. Hux jumped clean out of his skin at the arrival. Rey turned around to see him prowling in. The moment he saw her, he ran to her, vaulting over the couch to sink to his knees in front of her and yank her into a fierce hug. His body was violently trembling.

"I'm so fucking glad you're okay," he breathed unsteadily.

"You swear a lot when you're worried," she laughed, soothing a hand through his hair. "I'm sorry I scared you."

He inhaled a long, slow breath and then let her go, rocking back to sit on the floor in front of her. "Did you get a hold of the office?"

"No. They said they'd call me back."

He frowned. "So how are we supposed to know if we should go in or not?"

"You should," chimed in Hux.

Ben jerked around, scrambling to his feet. "I forgot you were here."

"You called me."

"I did." He paused, his voice softening. "Thanks for coming."

Hux gave him a nod.

Ben turned back around and addressed Rey. "So he's right? We should go?"

"Yeah, I think we should."

He needed no other word than that to spur him to action, taking her hands and hauling her to her feet. Rey winced as another little squirt of _something_ left her, and she wondered if she should have worn a pad to save her underwear. It wasn't leaning that quickly, so she thought she might be okay.

"Maybe let's get a towel for the car," she said, "just in case."

Hux grimaced.

Ben dashed away from her, frantically scrambling around the condo in search of his own bag and the towel. When he finally came back, he looked genuinely flustered. Rey smiled. She felt surprisingly calm now. Excited, but calm. She wanted to transfer some of that peacefulness to him, so she put a hand on his chest and said gently:

"Ben. It's okay. There's no rush. It's not happening right this second. We've got time."

He took her hand and lifted to his lips, giving her a quick kiss and nodding. But he didn't say anything, and that nervous energy still vibrated through him. He took her bag and led her out of the condo without another word said. Hux followed them.

"So Rose," he said conspicuously. "Obviously she knows what's going on. Does Gwen? Should I tell the others?"

"Gwen knows something happened," Ben said. "She saw me fly out of there. Just reassure her it's fine."

"Will do." Hux gave them a little solute. "Good luck, friends. See you on the other side."

Rey smiled. "Thanks for being a good friend."

"Keep us updated if you can." He turned and headed to his car, and Ben wasted no time hauling Rey over to his own, still idling in the drive.

She laid the towel on the seat before she sat.

Ben drove quickly. Rey explained what she'd learned about amniotic leaks, and what they might expect at L&D. Ben listened intently.

"Okay," he said when she finished. "So I should wait to break the news to my parents, because we don't know if it's actually happening today."

"Right. Let's wait and see what happens." Rey didn't add the caveat she kept back, that what Hux had read her about leaks indicated she would need to go into labor soon or risk infection. So the odds of her delivering today were high. They were very high.

"Okay," said Ben softly.

She glanced over, observing his white knuckles clenched against the steering wheel, the pallor of his face, the way his mouth worried the inside of his lip — Ben was freaking the fuck out.

"Hey," she said encouragingly, putting a hand on his arm, "it's gonna be okay."

His brows knit together almost imperceptibly. "I'm out of my depth here."

"I know. It'll be alright, I promise."

"Don't promise that. In movies whenever someone says something like that, it's a guarantee that the next plot device will prove them disastrously wrong. And I can't stop thinking about all the ways it could go wrong. This is everything I felt in that Thai restaurant ten months ago, times a hundred."

"Fine, I won't promise," she said, her mouth twitching into the tiniest of grins. She was surprised to find such calm radiating through her center, despite the excited tremble in the pit of her stomach. She'd been terrified of this for so long, now that it was here she didn't feel as afraid as she expected.

She felt ready.

"You need a distraction," she decided, pairing her phone to the Bluetooth.

"It's so fucked up that you're the one trying to comfort me," he sighed. "It ought to be the other way around. What you're about to go through..."

"Hey, I don't want to talk about that. So no more talking. Just singing." She cranked up the volume as the first notes of Queen's anthemic _Don't Stop Me Now_ trickled through the stereo.

It took a few bars for Ben to give in to the siren call of Freddie Mercury, but by the chorus she managed to get him singing with her, pouring all their nervous energy into dancing and belting their way through the speed of light.

It was so like _them,_ that just for a minute, Rey forgot all about where they were going or what was happening. She was transported back to the first time she and Ben had hung out without the group around. She'd felt awkward about it, even though Ben was so easy to get along with, because she didn't know what to do with herself. They'd been sent to pick up Poe and Jess from the airport after visiting Jess's family, and the initial few minutes in the car were stilted and strained, so Ben had put on an honest to god _mix tape_ he had in the car, cassette and all, and suddenly they discovered that they were bonding over an enthusiasm for Queen.

It felt like a lifetime ago, but that was really the start of the best friendship she'd ever had.

"What is it?" Ben asked, interrupting his singing.

And Rey realized she'd started laughing. "Ben we're _married_."

"I know," he said, and his face finally cracked into a grin.

"Oh my god," she laughed again.

It struck her anew, the absurdity of that statement. The improbability of it. The wonder, most of all. That she should be married and on her way to the hospital to have a baby — _Ben's_ baby — when ten months ago she'd been trying to date other people and figure out her life — it struck her as wildly laughable.

The euphoria carried her through the rest of the way to the hospital, and still buzzed light and dizzy through her brain. Like her blood was made of lightning now. Her earlier calm was quickly burning up in the electricity, replaced by nervous anticipation. Ben held her hand tightly as they walked in, and she squeezed back just as hard, the two of them clinging to one another in a silent prayer that gravity could keep them on the ground. They were walking into a vast, red unknown, maybe to face their most harrowing challenge yet. Were they ready for this? Was their relationship strong enough to tackle everything ahead, not only now and here but beyond it, too?

Did it matter?

It would happen regardless.

Rey chewed her lip nervously as Ben got her checked in, her palm skimming lightly over the enormous swell that — though cumbersome and intensely uncomfortable — had become a familiar part of her over these last few months. With it came a flicker of fear again. Right now Olive was safe and cozy in a world designed to provide for all her needs. But the moment she emerged, her needs would amplify a hundredfold, and it would be up to her terrified parents to meet those needs. She would be sad sometimes, and scared sometimes, and hurt sometimes, and there was nothing Rey could do to prevent it because that was just how the world worked.

The nerves in her curled tighter and tighter, like springs coiling in their mounting tension.

The desk attendant gave Ben a visitor badge and gave Rey a wristband with her name a date of birth printed on it, after which Ben tugged her over to some chairs where they sat until someone came to get them. His leg bounced and his fingers maintained a vice-like grip between hers. He swallowed, chewed the inside of his lip, looked around at the mediocre art.

Rey had seen him this nervous exactly one time. It was when Poe had convinced a handful of them to go do the _haunted ski lift_ their local resort had going during October one year. Ben wasn't easily rattled, but it turned out he wasn't a fan of really intense heights like that. Rey had originally thought to ride with Rose, but when her friend kicked her out saying she wanted to snuggle with Hux, Rey wound up in Ben's car. She saw his white knuckles, his wan expression, the way he grit his teeth so hard she thought they'd shatter whenever the lift would pause and they were left suspended and swinging above the vast abyss of the slope below them. When they dipped in to each stop and the ghoulish actors would spout their scary lines, Ben would finally take a moment to breathe.

She felt bad for him.

Maybe it was ridiculous, maybe it was insane, but she resorted to the most powerful method of distraction she knew. Beneath the thick blanket she'd thrown over them to stave off the October chill, she gave him a handjob. It worked exceptionally well. He no longer paid attention to the earth plunging meters below them, or the bump and sway of the chair on the wire. He had his head thrown back against the chair lift, lost to her effective ministration. Afterward, he'd thanked her for helping him get through it and took her blanket with the promise to wash it and return it. When he did, it smelled like his detergent. She'd slept with it for a few weeks after until it started to smell like her again.

"Feeling like you're back on that haunted ski lift, there, Ben?"

He glanced at her fleetingly, throat bobbing before he rallied a half-grin. "Not too far off, actually. You?"

"Yeah, definitely dangling over a chasm," she chuckled, half-hearted and breathless. "Don't think we should use the same tactic to distract ourselves this time, though."

He squeezed her hand. "We'll be okay."

It was good to hear him echo back her own earlier reassurance. They would. Everything would be fine.

Right?

Wrong.

At first, everything was _not_ fine. In the first place, their nurse, who was named Addisyn, made this squinty little smile when she got them settled in a delivery room and asked about what brought them in. The smile followed Rey's explanation of the pre-shower trickle.

"Are you sure you it wasn't urine?" she asked a little condescendingly. "At this stage, it's really common for your bladder to leak."

"Um, I'm pretty sure." Rey shifted uncomfortably, glancing between the nurse and Ben. She sat on the edge of a standard hospital bed. Ben sat on the couch near the window, a few feet away. "It was colorless and odorless."

Addisyn made that squinty smile again. "If you're well-hydrated, your urine can be like that too."

"I'd just gone to the bathroom."

"It can be difficult to know if you've voided everything. Has it happened again since?"

"Um…not really. A little tiny bit, but not as much as the first time."

"Yeah, it's probably just urine."

Rey frowned. "I'm not sure what you're trying to say here. Should we not have come? We called and they said to come have it checked."

"She's forty-one weeks," Ben added, his voice hard. "You need to check."

Addisyn flapped a hand dismissively. "Oh, no, of course we'll do that. I just don't want you to be disappointed because I'm betting it wasn't what you thought."

This was a rough start, Rey thought with a frown. She didn't like it that the nurse clearly didn't believe her. And maybe Addisyn's experience here made her wiser than Rey, who was admittedly a nervous first-timer, but she'd have appreciated a more understanding approach than this.

Addisyn got Rey's information and took her ID and insurance cards — both shiny and brand new after all the name change headache. She gave Rey a gown and told her to undress and put it on, opening at the back, and then disappeared for a while.

After her initial irritation faded, Rey's nervous energy returned full force again. Especially when she peeled off her clothes and put on the flimsiest of flimsy fabrics. Ben helped her tie the woefully inadequate ties to keep it semi-closed on the back.

"You're shaking," he observed softly.

"I'm scared," she admitted.

"Scared that rude nurse is right, or scared you are?"

"…I'm not sure."

He pulled her in against his body, and even though he'd been the one freaking out in the car, his body was strong and solid and warm. He didn't shake. He held her close and introduced a steady drip of calm into her bloodstream. Rey let herself lean into him and listen to his heartbeat. The familiar thrum of a muscle she knew so well.

A brief knock interrupted the moment before Addisyn was coming in again, pulling a cart behind of items behind her. A sterile tray bore a speculum, something packaged in a long rectangle of paper, and some little tubes. Ben stepped back and returned to his couch to give her space.

Rey sat on the end of the bed again.

"Okay, so we're going to do a pelvic exam," explained Addisyn. "I'll swab around and test to see if there's any amniotic fluid. Sit back on the bed for me."

Awkwardly, Rey scooted backwards and drew her feet up onto the bed. With instruction from the nurse she lay back and let her knees fall to the side, bearing the uncomfortable intrusion of the speculum. Holdo had a very nice touch when it came to pelvic exams. One of the reasons Rey had been going to her for years was precisely because her annual physicals were not awful. However she did it, Holdo managed to conduct an entire exam, Pap smear and all, without causing any discomfort.

Addisyn did not have that gift. She ratcheted open the dreadful instrument in painful, jarring clicks. Rey winced and tried not to instinctually shift away. Opening the paper packet, Addisyn withdrew the swabs — essentially very long q-tips — and swiped around Rey's inner walls, taking samples of whatever she found there. Rey counted the seconds until it was over.

Finally the speculum slid out, and the swabs were stored in the little tubes.

"We'll just quickly check your dilation, if that's okay," Addisyn said briskly.

Rey nodded grimly. She didn't really want anything else up inside her after the speculum, but if she really was going to push a baby out of her body today, she supposed a couple of fingers now were the least abuse her vag was going to get.

Addisyn frowned as she strained to reach. "Has anyone told you that your cervix sits really far back there?"

"No," Rey said.

"It's really high," she said, and the way she said it — like it was some flaw Rey had any ability to correct.

Holdo didn't seem to have trouble getting back there, but maybe she had extra long fingers. With a slight glance in Ben's direction, Rey mused privately that having an extra long tunnel was a benefit when her favorite partner was as big and long as he was.

Finally Addisyn reported the bad news. "You're not really dilated. Maybe like a one, if that. Still pretty thick too. It doesn't feel like you're in labor. Have you had any contractions since you felt the leak?"

"Not really, no."

"Okay. Well that doesn't sound promising. But we'll test it and see what happens."

She told them to hang tight and wheeled her cart back out of the room, leaving them alone again.

Rey struggled to sit up, reaching out blindly for help. Ben was on his feet in an instant, pulling her upright. She folded her legs criss-cross under her and dropped her hands down over her belly, frowning a little.

"Are you disappointed?" he asked softly.

"I don't understand why I'm not dilating," she admitted. She was trying so hard not to be disappointed, but yeah, she definitely was.

"Your body has never done this before," he suggested. "Maybe it's not sure how."

"It's _supposed_ to know how. Isn't that the whole point of being a mammal? Giving birth to live young is like… _super_ essential biology."

"That's a really dehumanizing way to put it, I guess." He chuckled.

That undermined her frustration and made her crack a small smile. She glanced around the room, wondering if they'd kick her out and send her home, or let her stay and bring her daughter into the world here. It was…nice-ish. It threaded some strange junction point of homey and medical, like someone had taken a harsh sterile environment and dressed it in little touches of domesticity. Warm wallpaper, mahogany cupboards and cabinets, the plush couch and a reclining armchair. These elements couldn't disguise what it was though, from the motorized hospital bed to the IV stands to the monitors and plugs and trappings of medicine.

Still, Rey appreciated whatever effort had gone in to make this place a little more soothing than a typical hospital room.

Ben sat next to her on the bed. He'd pulled out his phone and looked up his mother's contact information.

"Are you telling her?" Rey asked, eyes widening.

He nodded as he put the phone to his ear.

"We don't even know if there's anything to tell her!"

"I want to get — Hi, Mom."

Rey couldn't hear all the words, but she heard Leia's voice come muffling through the phone anyway.

"We're good. Actually we're at the hospital right now checking to see if baby comes today."

An alarmed shout rang through Ben's end of the call and Rey laughed. He quickly explained everything going on and how they were just waiting for the results now. Leia seemed to calm down a bit after that.

"Listen, Mom, I assume you have Amilyn's cell? Yeah. Can you send it to me?"

Rey glanced at him. He didn't look at her.

"Because she's Rey's doctor, Mom."

A beat of silence, and then Ben pulled the phone away from his ear while even louder noises came stringing out of the speaker — outraged, offended noises. He gave Rey an amused look.

"I have a feeling we're going to need it," he told her by way of explanation. When his mother had finished her shouting, he put the phone back to his ear. "Right, I know, but you know it isn't really your business who our doctor is. You _do_ know that, right? Yeah. The whole time, yeah. No, before Paige's wedding. Rey's been seeing her for years. Well she couldn't really tell you, could she? She's a good doctor, she doesn't violate HIPAA. Look, I don't really have time to get into this with you, can you just send me her number? Yes, I _know_ they'll contact her from here, but I want it anyway. Oh _now_ you're worried about crossing professional boundaries?"

Rey giggled a little again, more emotion bubbling up in that laughter than the conversation exactly warranted, but then, she was feeling tremendously out of sorts.

Eventually Ben managed to get off the phone, and a moment later his phone pinged with the incoming message containing Holdo's personal cell number.

"You don't think it's a little invasive, contacting her that way?" Rey asked.

He shrugged. "I don't plan on using it unless we run into trouble."

There was an unexpected measure of comfort in this, Rey realized. She leaned her head on his shoulder, grateful that he was prepared to go to any lengths for her.

They waited a long time. So long, Rey began to wonder if they'd been forgotten about. Ben had gotten bored and went snooping around the room. He discovered a couple of big exercise balls in the closet, and an oddly-shaped exercise ball — much smaller in size, and squished in the middle, with two bulbous ends.

"What do you think this is?" he wondered with a grin.

Rey couldn't even begin to guess. She shook her head. "I have no idea."

There came a knock on the door at last, and Ben hurriedly put the ball back and stepped back over to his spot near the couch as Addisyn came in.

"The test was negative for amniotic fluid," she reported, and her smile was so pitying, Rey could have strangled her. "Looks like you get to go home and be a bit more patient this time."

Patience was something Rey ran out of a week ago. Tears surged unbidden to her eyes and she dropped her face into her hands, trying and failing to stifle them. She wasn't wrong. She _wasn't_. She'd known what she felt. Every instinct told her it was real. She was afraid for Olive — afraid that she'd keep leaking and Olive would run out of her cozy protective bath and be in danger of serious infection. It was only four days until her scheduled induction, but that was four days too long. Rey wanted to have it done with _today_.

Ben was suddenly next to her. She kept her hands pressed to her eyes, trying to stop the soft, muffled sobs wracking through her body. He didn't touch her, but she felt his heat beside her anyway.

"I think you need to run another test," he said in a low voice. "There has to be another way to check."

"Sir, this is the best method." Addisyn no longer sounded cheerful. She sounded offended. "I know you wanted a different answer, but as I said, it's not uncommon—"

"She says it wasn't urine. You need to listen to her."

" _You_ need to calm down. I ran the test. It's not my fault if she's inventing signs of labor."

Rey jerked her head up, a shock of rage flashing through her. "I'm what?"

"It's in your head," Addisyn said. "The supposed leak. You're being hysterical and you probably felt what you wanted to feel."

"Get out," Ben snapped, his voice as cold as an arctic wind.

She blinked at him. "Excuse me?"

"I said _get out_. You're dismissed."

Addisyn put her hands on her hips. "You don't get to dismiss me."

"You don't get to talk to my wife like that," he snarled. "Get out of this room."

"I'm going to get hospital security to get the two of you out of here." Addisyn turned and fled the room in a whirl of outrage. Ben started after her. In a wild flare of fear that he was going to _hurt_ the woman, Rey reached out and caught his hand.

"Where are you going?"

"To the nurse's station," he said darkly. "I'm going to talk to the head nurse."

She let him go, and in a moment, he was gone. Rey wiped her eyes and cheeks and shook her head, berating herself for getting so emotional. It didn't matter that she was wrong. Addisyn was probably right. She'd probably just invented everything that happened this morning because she so badly wanted to be done being pregnant.

Olive stirred within her, and suddenly Rey was angry again. _No!_ She'd known what she felt. She _knew_ it. And now her daughter was in danger because the person who was supposed to help her wouldn't believe her.

Maybe she should have gone with a doula after all. She needed an advocate in her ring.

But — she had one already.

A moment later, Ben returned with another nurse.

"Hello Rey," she said gently. "I'm Kandia. Your husband here has told me what's going on. I've spoken to your doctor," she glanced briefly at Ben and Rey realized that he'd done it, he'd _called_ Holdo, "and she asked us to do an ultrasound to check your fluid levels and call her back. Are you alright with that?"

Rey nodded.

"Great," Kandia smiled. "Just give me one minute to get imaging up here, okay?"

"Okay," Rey said in a small voice.

She left again and Rey looked at Ben for an explanation.

His face was still etched in residual anger. "Addisyn won't be coming back. She's barred from entering our room again. I told the head nurse what happened and I called Holdo. She said she won't let them discharge you without making absolutely certain. She spoke to them and told them what to do. We got assigned this new one."

Her eyes filled again, and he jerked towards her in alarm, easing himself next to her on the bed and taking her face in his hands so he could brush away the tears.

"Hey," he soothed. "It's okay. It's going to be okay. You're not hysterical. I believe you."

"I know," she said, her breath hitching. She closed her eyes and leaned her forehead against his. "I'm just really grateful you're here."

He held her chin and tilted her into him, catching her quivering lips in a firm kiss. "I've got you," he promised softly.

* * *

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Next chapter coming up in a jiff! It's all done, just polishing it up and making a quick moodboard and then I'll post it!


	23. Push

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The bun, ladies and gentlemen, is done.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Probably a much more prolonged and graphic depiction of birth than you wanted. But we are nothing if not committed to realism here in this fluffy fantasy of ours.
> 
> **BEFORE YOU PROCEED:**  
>  I UPDATED TWICE TODAY. THIS IS THE SECOND UPDATE.  
> (Just in case you've jumped to this new chapter without reading 22 first.)

**  
  
CHAPTER TWENTY-THREE**

**Push**

* * *

1:05 PM (13:05)

Kandia turned out to be quite different from Addisyn. She was older, for one, and more soft-spoken. She radiated an aura of kindness and professionalism too which Rey appreciated. She listened more than she spoke, and when she asked again for Rey to recount what happened this morning, she didn't dismiss it. This was possibly because she'd already seen what Ben did to nurses who dismissed Rey too easily, but she really did seem to listen. Or anyway, she made good eye contact and didn't interrupt and Rey felt _heard_.

The ultrasound tech scanned around Rey's belly and first reassured all three of them that baby looked good. That, at least, was a relief.

"You have her chart from her last appointment?" She asked Kandia.

"Yes, her provider's office just sent it."

"You'll want to compare the levels," said the tech. "She does look pretty low."

Ben, hovering out of the way, made a soft satisfied noise, and Rey held her breath. Yesterday Holdo had said her fluid looked good. This had to be evidence, right? Proof that Rey wasn't inventing signs?

Kandia nodded. "Okay."

"Yeah, these look really low," the tech said again. "I'm kind of surprised you haven't gone into labor yet, hun."

Rey didn't want to hear that. She sighed.

"So what I'll do," Kandia explained as the tech cleaned up and wheeled her cart out, "is take a look at your last ultrasound to compare where you were at yesterday. I'll also call your doctor and tell her what we found."

"But this is good news, right? It means she was right, doesn't it?" Ben chimed in.

"It does look like then, yes."

"So is there a reason a leak wouldn't show on that other test you guys ran?" he pressed.

Kandia looked at him and made a speculative expression. "Well, she did say she took a shower, which might have washed most of it away. Or the baby could have blocked the leak so she hasn't had much more coming out since then. The test is not one hundred percent accurate either, so there are a few reasons."

Rey swallowed. She felt like she was going to cry again — from relief this time. From the overwhelming feeling of validation.

Perhaps Kandia misread the mistiness in her eyes because she hurried to reassure her. "Don't worry, hun, if your fluids are this low, I'm sure your doctor will have you stay regardless of what you last scan says. Don't hold this against me if I turn out to be wrong, but experience tells me you're probably going to be induced today."

Rey nodded, wiping at her eyes impatiently again. Damn weepiness popping up all the time. Her emotions were haywire.

"I'm going to go talk to her. I'll be right back, okay?"

"Thank you," Ben told her.

Some half hour later she returned with news. She'd spoken to Holdo. There was definitely a leak, and they were definitely going to induce — as long as Rey was willng.

"Yes," Rey said immediately. "Yes, let's do it."

Kandia smiled a warm, genuine smile. "Looks like you're having a baby, then, Rey."

"Finally." She closed her eyes. _Finally_.

Ben breathed a soft sigh of relief too. When she opened her eyes and glanced his direction, he drew a deep breath and gave her a satisfied nod. The end of this bizarre period of their lives had reached its end. Another would begin.

Kandia was all business. "Alright, so we're going to get you all checked in. Are you comfortable in this room? Okay to stay here?"

"Yes," said Rey.

"Great. Now, since this is your first time, the induction process could take a while. I'll be here to explain everything, don't worry. You've got me until six when my shift changes, and I'll make sure you get a really great replacement, I promise."

At first, it was all very banal. They officially admitted her for an induction and got all the paperwork out of the way for that. Ben went to the car to get the bags while Rey went to the bathroom and then had her vitals taken. Kandia checked and confirmed Addisyn's dismal appraisal of the situation down south, no dilation or effacement. She got Rey hooked up to a couple monitors on elastic bands that strapped around her distended belly — one to monitor baby's heartbeat, and one to monitor contractions. It was nice to hear Olive's cheerful little cadence rhythmically pulsing through the room. Kandia then gave Rey an oral medication called Cytotec.

"This is to help ripen your cervix," she said. "Like I said, this is going to be a long process. We'll check you again after four hours to see if you've progressed. If not, you'll get a second dose. The good news is that you're free to move around and be up and about while we wait for this. You can even eat, if you want. In fact I recommend it, since it could be a long time until we start you on the Pitocin."

Rey balked at the idea that they had a possible _eight hours_ to go doing nothing at all but waiting— eight hours before they even attempted trying to start labor. But she was hungry, and well — what else could she do?

"Do you want hospital food or real food?" Ben asked when Kandia left again.

"Real food," she said immediately. "Definitely real food."

"Alright. I'll have someone bring us some."

"It's going to be a long time. You could go get it, I wouldn't mind."

"Nice try, but I don't feel good about leaving you alone right now."

She rolled her eyes affectionately. "The mean nurse won't come back."

"I don't think she will either, but I'm still not going to do it. It's for my own peace of mind."

Which was how, an hour later, they ended up with Finn trundling into the room with a spooked expression, carrying a bag of food from a local farm-to-table cafe. It had been Ben's insistence that she eat something energizing and healthy, and not greasy garbage that wouldn't fuel her for the ordeal ahead.

She wanted to be annoyed by this overbearance, but she wasn't. She loved feeling this cared for.

So she happily ate her soothing, autumnally-appropriate creamy butternut squash pasta and chatted with Finn. Ben inhaled his roasted sweet potato, apple, and sausage bowl and then stepped out to call his mom back to inform her of the situation, as well as Luke to explain why he wouldn't be back in the office.

"Might as well send a group text to everyone while you're at it," Finn called after him. "Hux has us all thinking you're in crisis."

Ben waved in acknowledgement before stepping out. Rey could hear his voice muffled through the door when he got a hold of his mother. He didn't go far.

"So you ready for this?" Finn asked her.

"No," Rey admitted. "I mean, yes for _this_ , right now, today. Ready to face it. But not ready for the life that comes after."

"Right," Finn said softly. "The part where you're a mom. The part where you and him raise a kid together."

He motioned towards the door. Rey followed the movement and nodded once. That was the part she didn't know how to imagine. From the very beginning of all this, it was clear Ben wanted to be a very involved father. He wanted this dad gig. He'd be really good at it, she knew. And he had good strong foundations for it in his own family. He'd probably be a consistent, firm-but-gentle disciplinarian. He'd set up that healthy kind of structure kids thrived in, and he'd be affection too. Rey could imagine him being a dad very easily. She liked to do it often. But when she thought of herself as a mom — she drew a blank. She didn't know what kind of mother she'd be at all.

The only mother she had to look at as an example was Leia, and Rey had no idea what she was like when Ben was little. When he threw tantrums, how did she handle it? When she was tired, what did she do?

A glib, cynical part of her thought Leia probably had a nanny for things like that.

She didn't know what came after she got Olive in her arms. And she didn't like to think about it too much, because it made her anxious.

Finn sensed some awkwardness in her silence because he rallied a smile and said, "But one thing at a time though, right?"

"Right," said Rey softly. "At the moment, I'm just focusing on getting her here."

"Yeah, not gonna lie, that's the part that scares the ever living fuck outta me. Good luck with that."

Rey laughed. "Thanks."

"Poe and I will come visit when it's all over. I really don't want to be here when you're...when it's happening."

"I definitely don't want you here either."

"No, I mean I don't want to be in the _building_. Even the parking lot might be too close."

That startled another laugh out of her. "Why?"

"Just the idea of what you're going through, or that I might hear you scream or something..." he shuddered. "Nah. No thanks. I'm grateful my partner can't actually give birth because I can't be anywhere near that."

Warmth and affection bubbled in Rey's chest. "I'll tell Ben to let you know when it's safe to come visit."

"Excellent, thanks," said Finn with a relieved smile.

He didn't stay long. Rey could see how jumpy he was just being there, so she gave him mercy and pretended she was going to nap so he could have an excuse to leave after only a few minutes. When he'd gone, Ben came back in. His mother and father were standing to know when they should come sit in the waiting room — even if it was the middle of the night.

"My dad's all worried about you," Ben chuckled, gathering Rey's food trash and discarding it. "It's kind of sweet, actually."

"That's _really_ sweet." Rey swallowed by _another_ surge of emotion at that, deeply touched that someone (besides Ben) cared enough about her to be worried. She had her friends, of course, but it felt different coming from a parental figure.

Ben gave her a knowing look, but spared her by not commenting on it.

After Finn left, things got...really boring for a while.

There was no action, no excitement, only the steady whooshing of Olive's heartbeat on the monitor. So they watched _Cool Hand Luke_ on the hospital's movie channel, and afterward Ben pulled the Switch out of his bag and got out the two exercise balls from the closet. They each sat on one and put the Switch on the foot of the bed. Rey opened her legs wide and rolled her hips around the ball a bit before bouncing her way through several rounds of Mario Kart, willing the pressure against her cervix to open it up.

In all the scenarios she'd envisioned of labor, she didn't think she'd be laughing this much.

But she did. She laughed a lot. Particularly trying to beat Ben. She was the reigning Mario Kart champion, but he'd made it his life's mission to take her crown, and he'd gotten better over the last couple years. They got pretty competitive — and _loud_.

At one point Kandia came in to readjust the heart monitor, which Rey in all her bouncing and karting enthusiasm had dislodged. She laughed when she saw what they were doing.

"In my whole career I don't think I've ever heard this much laughing in a labor room. People will think we're the psych ward, not the birthing ward."

Rey grinned sheepishly. "Sorry. Are we being too rowdy?"

"Nope, you're just fine. A happy mama means happy baby and happy nurses. You just keep doing what you're doing. Do you need anything? Can I bring some water or juice?"

"Water would be great," said Rey.

Kandia nodded. "Ben?"

"Same," he said with a little smile.

"I'll bring those and then I'll come check your progress in about half an hour."

Ben won two races in that half hour. Rey won three.

Her humor and elation suffered a setback when Kandia came back in and conducted another digital exam. She had trouble reaching too, and had Rey put her fists under her rump to tilt her pelvis to a better angle.

"Maybe a two," she said. "Not as much progress as we'd want to see. We'll do a second dose and wait another four hours to see how you do, okay?"

That was definitely disheartening. Rey nodded and sighed. "Are we trying to force it and it just isn't going to happen?"

Kandia smiled a little. "It will happen. Your cervix is very protective of its cargo, it's doing a good job of keeping her safe. It just needs a bit of persuasion now that this is the right time. Don't worry, honey. We'll get your baby out and this will all be over soon."

Rey didn't really feel like she had much right to complain. Hanging out in a warm room while an autumn storm blustered through, playing games and watching movies? There were worse ways to spend an afternoon. Never mind that she kept getting up to pee. Never mind that the anxiety of wanting something to happen kept nagging at her mind.

So she took a nap, and Ben worked on some emails. She answered the group text where everyone was freaking out, demanding updates from Ben. They played more Switch and caught up on Matt the Radar Technician.

6:10 PM (18:10)

At six, Kandia introduced them to Miranda, the nurse taking over their shift.

"We're waiting for a second dose of cytotec to do its magic," she explained to Miranda during the handoff. "But they've been my easiest patients by far. Just in here playing racing games."

"Nice!" Miranda said approvingly. "I'm a total gamer in my time off. I think we're going to get along great."

Ben was uneasy having a change of nurses, no doubt concerned they'd get another Addisyn, but Miranda proved cheerful and helpful and kind. Her youth made her energetic, her attitude infectiously sunny. She told Rey it was alright to eat again, and brought Ben some smuggled donuts someone had left for the nurses. She had longer fingers too and was able to reach better during the cervix checks.

"Good news!" she said happily. "You're about a four. I'm going to call your doctor, but I bet she'll want to put you on the pit."

Rey breathed a sigh of relief. Real progress could finally happen now.

They came in a few minutes later to insert her IV, which thus far was the most unpleasant part of the whole experience. She winced when they pieced the vein of her wrist, and it continued to burn for a couple minutes after they'd taped it all down and got her saline drip going. They started the Pitocin on a slow flow at first.

"You let us know when you're ready for the epidural," Miranda told her. "Don't wait until it's really bad either, because it could take a few minutes to get someone from anesthesiology down here, so when you start to feel like it's a little more unpleasant than you like, give me a heads up."

Rey nodded. She didn't really know what to expect in that department. The Braxton Hicks contractions she'd felt were not fun, but they hadn't really led to labor, so she wasn't sure if she should trust that experience.

"From now on we'll just have you chew ice, okay? Just in case we need to rush you in for surgery, we don't want anything in your stomach. That won't happen, but it's just a precaution we have to take. And once we do the epidural, you won't be able to get out of bed. So feel free to move around as much as you want right now. Take the IV tree with you, of course," Miranda encouraged.

So Rey did. She went to the bathroom seven hundred times, it felt like, with an IV constantly taxing the limits of her compressed bladder. She sat on the couch with Ben for a bit, legs up on his lap while they talked about the house — which they were supposed to close on tomorrow. He wasn't worried. He said they could do it remotely if needed.

They did another round of Mario kart on the balls until the twinges and cramping began to be more than Rey could handle, and she got back in bed to curl up on her side and rest. Ben tucked a mountain of pillows around her to support her back and belly, and then dragged his chair over next to her. He held her hand while they browsed the hospital movie channel again and settled on the Jennifer Ehle/Colin Firth BBC adaptation of Pride and Prejudice. It was a comfort movie for Rey. She loved it best of all the versions, and could mostly listen while she drifted in and out of focus, becoming increasingly aware of the waves of pain radiating down her spine and through her abdomen.

Olive churned restlessly.

_Almost there_ , Rey told her, tuning back in to the Bennet sisters and their quaint country dance.

"So is this what growing in England was like for you?" Ben asked with a little smirk.

"Of course it was. I only started wearing pants when I came over here to the Wild West cowboy world."

He laughed. Rey grinned — and then felt a distinct _gush_ of something warm and wet between her legs. She gasped and sat up, the movement pushing another generous flood out of her.

"What is it?" Ben asked in alarm.

"I think — I think my water just broke."

"All the way this time?"

Yet more was coming out of her now. She nodded, pressing the call button on the side of her bed. "Yeah, definitely all the way."

"Hi," a voice chirped from the speaker.

"Hi — um, I think my water just broke," Rey told her.

"I'll send Miranda right in!"

A moment later she came, a wide smile on her face. "This is good news! We're really on our way now! Labor usually progresses a lot faster after your water breaks. The contractions can really start to work on baby."

"I didn't know it would happen," Rey said as Miranda checked out the situation below. "I was leaking this morning. I thought maybe it would all be gone by now."

"Sometimes you can have a little tear, but baby's head blocks it so you don't get much more out than the initial leak. She probably moved a little, and the pressure turned that tear into a full break." Miranda cleaned her up and had her roll over so she could change out the absorbent pad beneath her as well as the top sheet.

Ben was on his feet, looking anxious. His hands fluttered a little at his side, like he didn't know what to do with himself. Rey reached out and caught one, giving him a reassuring smile.

"Hey, it's okay," she said.

"You're alright?" His lips rolled in an uneasy pout, brow tense.

"I'm fine. It was gross, but it didn't hurt."

"And Olive? She's fine?"

"Heartbeat is steady as a drum!" Miranda said happily. "Doesn't seem like she's in distress."

"Okay." He nodded once to himself and slowly lowered himself back down into his chair. "Okay."

Miranda glanced at the screen and grinned. "Did your water break for Mister Darcy?"

Rey laughed. "Is that how it works?"

"No, it's not," Miranda giggled. "But what a thought, huh? He's a dream."

"I like that everyone thinks he's so broody, cold, and aloof, but really he's marshmallow soft and warm as a blanket fresh out of the dryer," Rey said, glancing at Ben.

The silly fool, totally oblivious. He was still watching Miranda with a worried little pucker between his brows.

"Ben," Rey told him gently. "You need dinner."

"I'm fine."

"No, you need to eat. It's eight o'clock. Just because I can't eat doesn't mean you shouldn't."

"I'll just get something from the vending machine."

"What? The oh-so-healthy Ben Solo eating _junk?_ " Rey laughed. "You don't want that."

"I don't," he admitted, his mouth finally twitching into a little grin. "I definitely don't."

Miranda had Rey lean back and frog her legs again for another cervical check. Her fingers slid easily through the residual amniotic slick. "You've got time if you want to go to the cafeteria, Ben, or even out to a nearby restaurant. I'd say you're a five, Rey."

"A five?" Rey frowned. "Only halfway?"

"You'll probably go faster now that your water has broken," Miranda soothed. "How are you doing pain-wise?"

"I'm fine," she sighed. "Nothing I can't handle."

"Okay, just remember, nobody hands out medals for how much pain you put yourself through." She smirked teasingly. "So keep that in mind before you go for gold, sweetie."

Rey smiled. "I won't, I promise."

After Miranda left again, Ben fretted a little more about whether or not to go get food. Rey finally persuaded him, and napped a little in the quiet while she was alone. It helped stave off the cycle of thoughts following the pattern of contractions — moments of excitement and anticipation followed by pits of fear and uncertainty; circling moments of feeling fine, and valleys of clenching pain. She dozed fitfully and dreamed of escaping the hospital, leaving everything behind and running to a new life where she didn't have to do this. Didn't have to give birth. But she didn't really want that either. She wanted this life. She wanted Ben, and their baby, and the family she never got to have.

She woke bathed in sweat. Ben was walking through the door again, no food in hand. He saw her cringing and ran to her.

"What's wrong?"

"Hurts," she whimpered.

The rise of each contraction built, crested, and ebbed exactly like a wave — but now they were stronger. They didn't just ripple through her lower back or clench through her stomach like a bad menstrual cramp. They flooded her senses, hijacking her awareness as her stomach roiled and her breath faltered.

"Do you want me to call Miranda?" he asked. "Do you want the epidural?"

Knowing it could be a while before they got the anesthesiologist here, Rey nodded. She could endure this for a while longer, knowing relief would soon come. She'd survived intense discomfort before. The pain of starvation was excruciating too, and she'd never forgotten it, no matter how many years into regular eating she'd gotten away from those bad days. She had strength in her that no one knew of. Not even Ben. She could get through this.

At least until the epidural arrived. Because there were no medals. And because she wanted to save her strength for the end.

Miranda summoned the anesthesiologist and told Rey it would be about fifteen minutes.

"What did you eat?" Rey asked Ben to try to distract herself. The contractions were some five minutes apart now, very regular, very strong.

"I got a chicken salad from the cafeteria," he said. "It wasn't good."

"A salad?" She grimaced.

"I'm a little queasy," he told her, looking guilty at the confession. "I didn't want anything too heavy."

"You're allowed to be queasy, Ben," she said with some amusement.

"Pretty sure that's not true."

She wanted to tell him that it was okay for him to be overwhelmed by this too, that his emotions on the brink of this cataclysm were valid, but another contraction gripped her and stole her words in a crush of breathlessness. She gasped, cringed, tried to remind herself to keep breathing through it. Slow streams of air blowing through tight lips.

"Maybe you should moo," Ben suggested, earning himself a deadly glare which made him grin. "I could press on your back and you could bellow until the anesthesiologist gets here."

"Ha ha, you're so funny," she said sarcastically when she could talk again.

He laughed. She finally did too, a little.

Leia was right. The epidural wasn't as bad as she'd feared it would be. The anesthesiologist, Joph, was friendly and professional and conversational. Rey sat on the side of the bed. Miranda maneuvered Ben into position in font of her, sitting on a stool. They had Rey arch over her belly and brace herself on him, curling her spine into an ideal position.

"Don't pass out on me," she warned him when she saw his gaze flick behind her and widen almost imperceptibly. He'd gone a little paler than normal.

"I won't." His coal-dark eyes were back on hers. "But you should know that I really love you."

"Because I'm letting someone stab my spine with a needle to give you a baby? Yeah, you better."

He grinned one of his big Ben grins.

There was a slight sting at the initial poke, and then a really _weird_ feeling of something threading into her back.

"Okay it might feel a little cold at first," Joph warned her. And a second later, an icy trickle ran _through_ her spine. Rey's eyes widened.

"Wow, that's uh...unique."

"Is it bad?" Ben asked.

"No. Just really strange."

Joph finished taping everything down against her back and then Rey was allowed to move back on the bed. Her legs were already tingling. He gave her a button that would allow her to administer more doses as needed herself.

"You can't overdose, so don't worry about that," he joked.

The medication worked quickly. Soon, her legs were tingling like they'd fallen asleep. A few minutes later, Miranda put in the catheter and then Rey was set. She didn't need to hobble to the bathroom every five minutes anymore, and the pain of her contractions were subsiding, fading to the background.

She still felt them. Each one. She felt the tightening through her middle, the squeeze of her muscles, but it didn't hurt. And maybe for the first time since arriving, she really started to relax. Everything was going to be fine.

Ben seemed to relax right along with her, and they were able to get halfway through the six hour mini-series before the day caught up to her and Rey finally drifted into surprisingly restful sleep.

11:45 PM (23:45)

Rey woke up an undetermined amount of time later when Miranda came to introduce the night nurse, Natalie. They determined she'd progressed to a six, and showed Ben, who was awkwardly trying to squeeze himself onto the couch, how it pulled out into a bed. They then shut off the main lights, leaving only softly illuminated auxiliary lights, and left them to sleep the rest of the night.

It wasn't the greatest sleep of her life, but Rey hadn't known a good night for several weeks now. She often woke three or four times in the night to pee, and her body always ached and hurt and kept her up. So to be freed from the bathroom visits and with the epidural easing her discomfort, she rested more comfortably than she had in a long time.

4:30 AM (October 20)

Until the nausea crept up. It built slowly in her awareness, pulling her up and out of blessed oblivion with the dim but growing certainty that she was going to vomit. Though she couldn't feel the pain of her contractions, her body understood the stress of the situation anyway and responded accordingly. She woke with a gasp and struggled to sit up, gagging already.

Ben was out of bed in a flash, grabbing a sick bag from the counter where he'd joked about them earlier. He arrived just in time. While Rey spilled the meager contents of her stomach, mostly just bile at this point, into the bag, he called for Natalie.

Throwing up in the middle of intense contractions was not something Rey ever wanted to experience without an epidural. The way her whole body committed to the task, she imagined it was probably painful. She fell back against her pillow and closed her eyes, grimacing against the taste in her mouth.

Natalie gave her ice chips and a little dose of Zofran to curb repeat performances.

"What time is it?" Rey asked hazily.

"Four thirty," said Ben, rubbing his eyes.

Four thirty in the morning. Such a strange, surreal time to experience a tipping point. But it was the tipping point. Natalie whisked away the sick bag and promised to come back in a few minutes to check Rey's dilation again. When she did return, she happily reported that Rey was at an eight, and that some of it was likely due to vomiting.

"It's amazing how that works," she said. "It happens a lot. Someone will be slow to progress and then once they puke they just opened right up."

And open up she did. Rey could feel it. The contractions were no longer primarily contained to her abdomen, but now she felt them in her vagina itself. And it was painful there. She hit her epidural button a few times, but it couldn't ease the mounting pressure in the worst place between her legs.

6:00 AM

By six, she was soaked in sweat again and buried under pillows to disguise her writhing, plagued by a strange kind of torment she couldn't escape. They were all on top of each other now, the contractions. She would just come down from one, shuddering with relief, when another would start again. She tried to widen her legs to soothe the pain in her passage, but she couldn't really move them very well on her own, and anyway it didn't help. Nothing helped.

Ben was beside himself. When a pathetic little whimper slipped out of her, he lost it and ran into the hall in search of anyone who could help.

Natalie came in with Kandia again, who was back on the morning shift.

"Looks like you're in transition," Kandia said sympathetically. "Can we check?"

"I want to push," Rey gasped. "Please."

She didn't know _how_ exactly she knew that this is what she wanted, but she _knew_. Her body wanted it. She had to relief the pressure. Pushing would do it. Kandia reached, but her fingertips barely dipped inside before she pulled her hand back, eyes wide.

"Yeah, you're a ten. It's showtime. Your doctor is almost here — Natalie called her. She was already on her way. Seems like she's been getting some text updates from someone during the night." She paused for emphasis. Rey barely managed to peek over at Ben. He didn't look the least bit ashamed. Kandia huffed an amused sound and continued. "In the meantime, why don't we start pushing, yeah?"

"Please," Rey said again, drawing a slow, labored breath as tears leaked out of her eyes. The pain was sort of like the most urgent bowel movement she'd ever had in her life, but worse.

Natalie vanished and then it was only Kandia and Ben. She showed Ben where to be, beside Rey, helping to support one of her legs while Kandia supported the other.

"Okay, Rey, you tell us when you think you're ready. When you feel the contraction coming on. Then you're going to draw a deep breath, hold it for six to eight seconds, whatever feels more comfortable, and bear down. Then you let the air out and rest until the next contraction. Okay? You're in control here, sweetie, whatever feels right to you."

Rey nodded. Her heart thundered in her chest, and yes, she was a little nervous, but mostly she felt ready. She wanted this. She'd never expected to want this, but she _wanted_ it. It was time.

So when the next unbearable feeling bloomed between her legs again, she nodded at Kandia, drew a deep breath, and — and what? These were muscles she wasn't sure how to use. So she pushed the way she knew, and was immediately dizzy. She lasted six seconds and then had to stop.

"I feel like I'm going to pass out," she panted.

"So you're probably pushing with too much of your diaphragm. It's too much pressure in your head. Push with your lower muscles," Kandia instructed.

Rey grimaced. She didn't know what that meant, but she'd try anyway.

On the second push, she found them. And _G_ _od Almighty_ it felt so good to push with those ones. Relief flooded through her and the pain ebbed with it. She lasted eight seconds with that one, and let go in a triumphant breath.

"That was impressive," Kandia said, looking surprised and a little spooked. "We shouldn't have you do too many of those before your doctor gets here, or this baby will be born without her."

Ben stroked hair back from Rey's face. She looked up at him. He swallowed hard and shook his head, apparently at a loss for words.

"You okay?" she laughed softly.

"Just in awe of you," he said a little brokenly.

Kandia wiped Rey's splayed center down with a towel that definitely came away bloody. Rey's attention snapped back to Ben, eyes widening.

"Is it a war zone?"

His mouth quirked. "Yes."

"Are you traumatized?"

He chuckled. "Not yet."

"Am I..." She blushed. Everything down there felt the same. "am I doing something embarrassing?"

"No, you haven't shit the bed, Rey," he said, finally breaking into a real laugh.

Kandia laughed too. "It's totally normal if you do. I won't even tell you about it. But you haven't had anything to eat in a long time, so I wouldn't worry too much."

The nurse kept her eyes on the the contraction monitor. Rey could feel it coming without needing the visual confirmation. She grit her teeth. "Again."

Despite her fears of Rey delivering without Holdo there, Kandia nodded and counted Rey through another push.

"Do you want a mirror?" she asked. "You're doing amazing."

"No," Rey said immediately when she caught her breath again. "I don't want to see."

She didn't _need_ to see. She could feel everything happening. She could feel how open she was, the darkest depths of her bared for the world to see. She could feel the enormous mass lodged there, the pressure of Olive's exit buzzing raw in every nerve like a live wire. She didn't want to see the blood and carnage. She wanted to be in this moment, in her own body, and feel the ancient strength of all her maternal ancestors flowing through her.

Because she could feel them.

She could feel the primal awareness of _womanhood_ in every push.

6:38 AM

This concentration was broken a moment later when the lovely lavender waves of Amilyn Holdo came striding into the room, donned in gray scrubs and blue gloves. She smiled her reserved, modest smile at them as an assembly of nurses came in after her.

"Rey. Ben. How are we holding up?"

"She's doing great," Kandia told her. "She's super strong."

Kandia was kind. She probably said that about all her maternity patients. But Rey felt a deep burn of pride anyway. She could do this. She was an even match for this challenge.

"We're good," Rey told Holdo. "I'm ready."

"I can see that," Holdo said approvingly. A few of the other nurses did something crazy with the bed, dropping the bottom third away and laying out absorbent pads everywhere. Holdo sat on a stool and rolled to the catcher's position. "Ben? How are you doing?"

"I'm fine," he said softly.

"Not feeling a little light-headed?"

"No."

"Good. Thank you for keeping me up to speed, by the way." She settled into business, appraising the situation in front of her. "So to confirm what's going to happen: Rey, you're going to push exactly the way you've been doing so far, alright? Rest between contractions. We don't want you getting too exhausted. Don't force it. As soon as she's out, we'll put her on your chest and we're delaying the cord cutting by a few minutes, is that right?"

Rey was being pulled into another awful wave of pain, but she let this one go without doing anything about it. "Mm-hmm," she mumbled instead, grimacing and trying to remember how to breathe.

"Alright. When you're ready then, Rey." Holdo rubbed a finger along Rey's perineum, pressing just slightly, stretching it just a little. It wasn't a very nice feeling, but Rey didn't tell her to stop. She knew the reason for it.

"Ready."

Once again, Rey bore down, shutting out the room and all its inhabitants, focusing in only on herself and the force of her body. She dimly heard Kandia counting to eight, holding each second in her mind. At the last, she let go and exhaled.

"Very good. Wow, I don't think we'll be here very long," Holdo said, sounding genuinely surprised.

"You're good at this," Kandia told Rey with a bright smile.

Holdo glanced up. A nurse wiped Rey clean of another gush of fluid while Holdo kept rubbing and pressing the perineum. "Your mom didn't try to be in the room, Ben?"

"She didn't." He cleared his throat at Holdo's sound of surprise. "Yeah, that's what we thought too."

"Well good for her." Holdo paused as Rey indicated she was ready again. When that push was over, she picked right up where she left off. "Some people want the whole world in the room with them. I once delivered a baby where both sets of parents, all siblings, and even one sister's _boyfriend_ were all in the room. Plus a photographer."

Rey laughed. "That sounds awful."

"It was very strange. And very crowded," Holdo agreed.

"I think I helped you with that delivery," said another of the nurses.

Holdo glanced up again. "I mean, whatever the person giving birth wants is fine. Personally, I think it's most appropriate to have only the ones involved in conception actually be in the room."

"I agree," said Ben.

Rey grinned. A silly feeling ran through her, a wild, surreal feeling at the knowledge that they were all just sitting around chatting like it was no big deal that another person was literally coming into the world right now. Rey wondered vaguely if any of the women at that natural birth class had ever experienced so relaxed and casual a birth moment as this before. A burst of happiness welled in her chest, right before the onslaught of another contraction.

For the next few minutes they continued this way, pausing for a bit of pushing, then talking more. Holdo told them about the craziest names she'd ever heard, like a baby boy named B'Crimefighter, or a baby girl named Revocate.

"People are ridiculous with names," Kandia agreed. "I helped deliver a baby they named Kytie. Not Katie, not Kylie, _Kytie_."

"What did you guys decide on?" one of the other nurses asked. "Hopefully we haven't offended you!"

"Olive," Rey said. "Her name is Olive."

The nurses cooed almost in unison. Holdo smiled a private little smile, her gaze barely flickering to Ben.

"We're not offended," Rey added before focusing in on the next push.

_One, two, three_

"Wow, that's fantastic!"

_Four, five, six_

"She's really coming."

_Seven, eight_

"Almost there. I think one more push and she'll be out."

_Nine, ten._

A soft noise from Ben made Rey pop her eyes open as she exhaled, letting go of her iron-grip on her muscles. It felt good to hold it those couple seconds longer, though now she had a whole different issue, which was a stinging, horrible stretching sensation right at her entrance.

"I can see her," he whispered, so softly Rey didn't know if anyone but her had heard it. His gaze was stuck on the place of horror, but instead of alarm she saw only soft wonder. "She has dark hair."

"A _lot_ of hair," Holdo agreed. "Rey, I think one more big push should do it."

Ben turned his attention to his wife, his eyes meeting hers in an exhilarated, awe-struck look. In dizzy, high euphoria, Rey realized he was looking at a goddess. That _she_ was the goddess. And they both knew it. The next contraction built quickly, snatching away her glory. He leaned over to kiss her forehead. "Are you ready?"

She nodded.

Time to meet their daughter.

When the next contraction came, Rey met it with the determination of a lioness. She used those newfound muscles and bore down ferociously, gritting her teeth and stifling a sound that tried to claw its way out of her throat, aware of every inch of Olive's crown splitting her wide open.

7:02 AM

"That's it," Holdo said, "keep pushing, keep going…"

Ten turned into twelve, and Rey held it longer than the others, losing track of the seconds, until her lungs burned. The pressure mounted to an absolutely unbearable level, and she wanted to tell someone that it _fucking hurt_ , a new meaning given to the "ring of fire" expression. But then Ben inhaled a sharp gasp just as the everything _released_.

A rush. A flood. A gush of relief as the overwhelming, enormous pressure lightened all at once, sliding out in a slippery tangle of limbs and drawing breath back into her chest even as a smaller set of lungs filled for the first time. Like a spark of lightning. And then—

A tiny cry.


	24. Breathe

****

**CHAPTER TWENTY-FOUR**

**Breathe**

* * *

The sound that split Tomorrow.

Everything happened so fast.

One minute: that first pitiful sound burst through the room in a flurry of activity, and Rey, sagging back against her pillow in a ragged rush of air —

And the next: a hot, slick little body, pressing with delicate yet infinite weight into the now-bared skin of the new mother's chest, burning like a bright ember from the molten heat of the womb. The scorching heat of Rey's own insides.

Offended squalls of a new voice never heard before cut through the chaos of the moment and set Rey's mind to spinning. Even as she mentally tripped all over herself trying to catch up to what was happening, some panicked voice inside her said _cold, she's cold_ and her hands came up to cover the mewling little thing, squirming between her breasts, a thick mass of wet black hair plastered against a tiny scalp by blood and goo and who knew what else.

Rey gasped a desperate breath. Her heart flew at a frantic rhythm inside her, rapping out her panic against the body that was inside her, now on her.

Half of the brain rang in alarm as she held the blazing hot, velvet soft form against her chest, thinking _oh my god, oh my god, oh my god_.

And the other half reeling with emotion, babbling soft soothing noises she didn't know she knew how to make, wondrously realizing _mine mine mine_.

"It's okay," she whispered, shutting out anything in the room that wasn't this furious little mass. "I know it was a rude way to come into the world. But you're safe. I've got you."

It was the crazy rush of a breakneck high, splinters of fear and gasps of _here_. But it was also the timeless, singular, zeroed-in focus of being completely and entirely suspended in the moment, the seconds dissolving into meaningless ticks of eternity. There was only this body clutched to her, this miniature wrath to soothe and nothing else in the world.

After a volley of honeyed lavender crooning, Olive quieted with a shudder. Her protests stilled and her back rose and fell in steady panting beneath Rey's hands. She squirmed, craning her neck, cracking open tiny coal-black eyes.

"Look how funny," Kandia laughed. "She's already trying to look around."

An intrusion into the cocoon of _them_. Pieces of their surroundings began to cascade into Rey's awareness, the presence of others both comforting and unwelcome. She watched Olive blink hard and confused against the lights of the place, still trying to see.

_She's looking for me,_ Rey knew somehow, and held her fragile bundle a little tighter still. "Hi, little one," she breathed. "I'm right here."

Olive's tiny hands clenched into fists, her restless body quieting, head dropping again. She nuzzled into Rey's skin and there squinted blearily at the world. Rey marveled at the perfect bow of her itty bitty lips, the flare of her teensy nostrils.

She was perfect. Absolutely perfect.

The new mother's mind spun dizzily again to realize _this_ was Olive, she was here, and this was real. It didn't feel real. Or, it felt so blisteringly real.

"She quieted down quickly," another nurse commented.

This remark finally jarred Rey back into reality, and she looked up to find Ben.

He was there. Of course he was, staring at them with this stunned kind of expression. Like dizzy dancing reeling, a falling-in-love feeling written into the slack of his jaw and the bright glassy glimmer in his eyes. Oh, he was — he was _misty_.

Suddenly Rey was too, her vision swimming and emotion rose harsh and fast in her throat. She pried one hand off Olive and reached for him. He took it, drawing her knuckles to his trembling lips.

"Rey," he breathed raggedly, as if he didn't know what else to say.

She tugged his hand down, bringing it to the warm little body on her chest so he could touch her too. So he could marvel with her.

And nobody else existed. Not the nurses and whatever they were doing, and not Holdo who was definitely doing something unpleasant which felt a lot like sewing which Rey and the epidural blocked out. She didn't care about anything else. Just him, and this little person they'd made.

"You look like you're about five seconds from crawling into that bed with them," Holdo remarked softly, her glance flicking up to Ben. "But you might want to wait a minute because this mess isn't over."

He tore his attention away from Rey and Olive, giving her an uncertain look before something deeply disgusting slithered out of Rey in another gush of fluid. She grimaced. It didn't hurt at all, but it was the most vile sensation she'd ever experienced. She felt lighter after it was gone.

Holdo transferred the mass — still connected to Olive by a thick blue spiral rope of tissue — onto a sterile tray. "Have either of you seen a placenta before? I think they're kind of beautiful."

Rey looked and realized the dried, painted placentas of that birthing classes were light years away from the fresh thing Holdo was showing them. Rey didn't care that she'd spent months making that structure, only feeling a little less revolted knowing that it had kept her daughter alive all this time. But beyond that, she wanted nothing more to do with it.

A couple minutes later, Holdo had Ben cut the cord to the thing, freeing Olive from her tether.

"Can I take her to weigh her and get her cleaned up?" one of the nurses asked gently. "I promise to give her right back."

Rey nodded, allowing that part of her brain that was still freaking out that this little alien creature was her responsibility now to take over. The nurse gently lifted Olive away.

"Are you okay?" Ben asked Rey anxiously. "Can I—?"

"Go," she urged.

He stepped away from her, following the nurse and the baby over to the scale and hovering anxiously nearby.

"Six pounds and four ounces," the nurse told him. "Dainty little thing. You want to get some pictures you remember this, Dad."

Ben fumbled quickly for his phone.

"Guess that means I won the pool," Holdo laughed to herself. "I wonder how I can't contact Shara's kid to collect."

"I'll happily provide his number," Ben told her over his shoulder as he snapped a few pictures.

Rey didn't really know what to do with herself. Not that there was anything she really could do, of course, with her legs numb and her body wrecked. But something inside her that had always been there was wide awake now, and she felt...strange. Like she wanted to run. Or climb a mountain. Or fly.

Like she could do anything.

Like she could stretch out her hand and make the universe bow to her.

Because she had _done it_. She made a perfectly perfect, living breathing human. And she had pushed that person out of her body. Like a journey through the valley of the shadow, she had been to the depths and returned with life in her arms.

She'd never felt so exhilarated or so strong.

So proud. So fierce.

So triumphant.

—Also she wanted her baby back.

It felt wrong to have her several feet away when she'd been literally part of Rey's body all this time. She felt empty now. The only heartbeat inside her was her own.

Holdo finished up her work, a little more of that loathsome sewing feeling, and a little cleaning, and a little pushing on Rey's saggy stomach. When she was done, she stood and peeled off her gloves, coming around to stand by Rey's side while the nurses finished cleaning her up.

"So you did tear just a tiny bit," she said. "I put two stitches, just to be safe, but it's not bad. How do you feel?"

"Victorious," Rey said honestly. "Powerful."

"You did incredibly well. You deserve to feel all those things." Holdo smiled. "Well done."

"I thought I'd be tired, but I feel like I could rub a marathon."

"It's the adrenaline. The exhaustion will come, I promise. But ride the high while it lasts. It was hard won."

Holdo smiled and turned, joining Ben and the nurse as they got Olive all cleaned up. "She's beautiful," Holdo said, glancing over her shoulder at Rey. "She might be the prettiest baby I've ever seen."

Once more, Rey's rational side thought that she probably said this to a lot of her patients, but Rey burned with pride and pleasure anyway. Yes, Olive was perfect. Of course she was. She had Ben's DNA and Rey had spent ten months making her.

—But why was it taking them so long to give her back?

Someone had reassembled the bed while Rey wasn't paying attention, and Kandia was there, having her lean forward while they quickly and painlessly removed the epidural, and then the catheter. The monitors around her belly went next and the only thing that remained was the IV line.

"I'm giving you a little more Zofran," Kandia told her gently. "Nausea after labor is extremely common. Also a little stool softener."

They raised the back of the bed so Rey could sit upright, which felt _really_ good after being flat or semi-reclined for a while, and they tucked big absorbent pads all around her before mercifully covering her up again. She still couldn't feel much of her legs but she was able to slide them down, straight out in front of her. It felt nice to be back to resting comfortably again, with no one touching her private parts.

Right now, she felt no pain whatsoever. Only excitement and a growing impatience to have her baby back.

But when she looked up to see what they were doing with her now, her heart melted.

They'd swaddled Olive in a little blanket and put a tiny pink hat on her — and given her to Ben.

His hands, Ben's hands, those huge hands that could probably heft a weapon as easily as a pen, those deft hands which could stimulate pleasure with a sensual touch or banish fear with a warm grasp, those big, big hands Rey loves to hold — they now spanned the whole little bundle, cupped behind her head, supporting her featherlight weight. He held her like she was the most important thing he'd ever had in his hands.

Because she was.

And those hands didn't tremble. They didn't shake. They grasped her soft and careful and high, dark warm eyes taking in the shape of that tiny face.

He'd never looked more attractive, and unbidden tears sprang to Rey's eyes again to see him holding their baby.

Ben was lost in a world of his own. Just as Rey had done, she saw how he shut out the world around him. How he dipped in to graze the end of his nose against a fluffy cheek. To press a kiss to her hair-brushed forehead.

"Hello, my little Olive," he whispered. "I've been waiting to meet you."

A small, happy smile played at the corner of his mouth and he nuzzled her again.

Rey's heart swelled with love for him. Heat glowed in her chest, the warmth of knowing that of all the people in the world, she had _him_. For always.

His eyes lifted from the face of his daughter and met hers, and she saw that she was wrong. He wasn't lost in his own world where only he and Olive existed. She was there with them. He drifted over to her and eased down to sit next to her on the bed. Rey leaned forward, resting her head against his shoulder. They didn't say anything. This moment right right now was bound by gossamer threads, and words would be too heavy for them to support. So they said nothing, but gazed together on the tiny face of this person who was a little bit of her and a little bit of him.

Little black lashes fanned over round cheeks. Fuzzy, silky-soft black hair brushed over crumpled, but still-oversized ears. Olive drew a shuddery little breath through her tiny nose and sighed, comfortable and still in her swaddle, in her father's hands. Her brow puckered a little as she squinted her eyes open again.

Rey brushed her finger delicately over that furrowed brow, so serious with consternation. Olive blinked slowly, like it was so hard to stay awake. Rey did it again, and this time the pucker smoothed, the little face relaxing.

"What a beautiful family," Holdo said very softly. She was holding Ben's phone, like she'd managed to capture some pictures of the moment, and even though it felt like an intrusion right now, Rey knew she'd be grateful for them.

The pleasant glow in her chest grew even brighter now. A _family_. "Thank you," she told her doctor. "For everything."

"It was all you, Rey. I'm lucky I got to be part of it. Ben, I'm putting your phone here. I'll be back by in a little bit to check on you, okay?"

Rey nodded.

Ben shifted Olive back into Rey's arms. He stood and followed Holdo to the door, shaking her hand once before she left, thanking her too. Holdo gave him a little grin. "Honestly, I'm glad it happened that I was your doctor. I never would have imagined it, watching you when you were little. Your parents are in the waiting room, by the way. I saw them before I came in. Take your time here, they'll wait as long as you need, but know that your mother is anxious to meet her granddaughter."

"She'll get the chance soon," Ben chuckled.

Holdo tipped her chin in acknowledgement once before drifting out of the room again.

"Do you want to try feeding her?" Kandia asked Rey, putting a huge mug of ice water on the tray next to her.

"I…eh…yeah." Rey blinked down at the baby in her arms, currently rubbing her nose against the side of the swaddle, mouth open. Rey realized she _should_ feed her. The instincts flaring to life right now told her those were hungry motions, but she had no idea how to even approach that task. Did she just…pop a nipple out and stick Olive's mouth on it? Why did that seem too obvious?

Kandia showed her how to position the baby, and what to do to get her to latch. It was definitely one of the more awkward parts of this process, even though everybody had already been up in her business before. For some reason having someone show her how to manipulate her own boob was...weirder.

But then Olive responded automatically and clamped on like she'd been waiting for it all along, and Rey gasped because _fuck_ that hurt. She winced at the insane suction.

"Strong, isn't she?" Kandia said with a wink. "Good latch, though. She's a determined eater."

"Hm, maybe your enthusiasm for food is a little bit genetic," Ben mused, returning to their side.

Rey gave him a harmless glare, still reeling from the needle-like pain of Olive's suction. It was subsiding, though, quickly being replaced by a feeling of pride and accomplishment with every tiny swallow. Rey didn't know where it came from, honestly, but seeing Olive get the vital nourishment she needed made her feel like maybe she _could_ do this mother thing. At least she could do this.

Kandia went about her business. Rey didn't pay her much attention. Ben sat next to her on the bed again and once more she leaned into him, craving his closeness, so much love welling up inside her that she needed to spill some over onto him too. Maybe he felt the same way, because he pulled her face to his and kissed her, soft and fierce. When he tried to pull away she wound her fingers into his shirt and tugged him back, not done tasting the flavor of her daughter's father, the best friend that had put this beautiful little baby into her and made them a family.

When she finally let him go, he chuckled and let her nuzzle into the hollow of his neck.

"Well done, little mama," he rumbled against her. "You were incredible."

"I decided I'm on board your train," she told him. "I want a dozen of these."

He laughed again, delighted and incredulous. "Were you not present for what just happened? You really want to do that again?"

Maybe it was the oxytocin flooding her system with incredible love, or maybe it was the exhilaration of so much _empowerment,_ but Rey really could imagine herself doing it again. Not right now, of course. She needed to heal. She needed a couple years to feel like herself again. But one day, yes. She knew she could do this again.

She kissed his cheek once and then returned her attention to Olive, who had apparently fallen asleep.

"We'll talk about it again one day," she told Ben.

They snuggled quietly on the bed together for a while. Ben made her drink a bunch of water — something he didn't have to work too hard for since the moment the first icy draught hit her parched mouth she eagerly guzzled it down. All her body functions had been put on hold, and she didn't realize how desperately thirsty she was until he made her drink. Afterwards, she further realized how _hungry_ she was.

"I really want a burger," she told him, startled.

He laughed. "That's pretty specific."

"A really big burger. Two patties, maybe. All the toppings." Rey stomach growled audibly at the fantasy of it.

He kissed the top of her head. "You deserve at least as much. I promise to get you one — just not from this hospital cafeteria."

"Deal," she said happily.

The burger would have to wait, though. Soon Kandia was back, asking if Rey had feeling back in her legs. She did. Since Olive wasn't really nursing anymore, she asked Rey to hand the baby off to Ben so she could try to stand. Ben eagerly took the still, quiet bundle back into his waiting arms and moved out of the way so Kandia could help Rey get to the edge of the bed. She unhooked the IV line from the port and held the big absorbent sheets up while Rey slowly, gingerly lowered her feet to the floor, still bared naked where the robe was open in the back. Not that anyone was here to see but Ben, and well — that ship had sailed and burned down at sea after everything he'd seen today.

She was a little wobbly, like her legs were made of jelly, but her body felt strong too. And it was good to stand. Kandia helped her shuffle off to the bathroom. They'd stuck a little receptacle into the toilet.

"Try to go, if you can," Kandia said gently. "Even a tiny bit is a good sign. Sometimes the catheter can mess with your ability to relieve yourself for a while, so we just want to make sure you're back to normal. Don't stand up by yourself when you're done, just give me a shout. I'll be right outside the door."

She turned on the shower before she left, letting the water warm up and slowly fill the tiny bathroom with steam.

Rey shuffled to the toilet and gingerly sat down.

She didn't really have enough sensation back to be aware of the injury below, or to feel much pain. She liked that part. She didn't feel like she'd just pushed a whole human out of her, except a vague sort of weariness flickering at the edges of her awareness.

It was weird to try to pee. She felt it there, like she needed to go, but for a minute she _couldn't_. Like she didn't remember how to let go. It took a strangely intense amount of concentration to find the right muscles and force them to release again. But then she did, and sighed in pleasant relief.

Kandia praised her for going, and Rey laughed, feeling a little bit like a potty training toddler. She was then helped into the shower and sat on the little stool there, washing an alarming amount of blood down the drain. She didn't wash her hair right now, but she did scrub down her body and it felt _so good_ she almost cry all over again. When she got out, she felt clean and happy.

Kandia provided her with those hideous mesh undies they'd warned her about, and a pad that more resembled a diaper than a monthly feminine product. She also included a frozen absorbent gel pack with some Tucks witchhazel pads laid carefully on top. It was a big, awkward mass to hoist up and wear, but it felt really nice against her center.

"The best route to healing is to avoid inflammation," Kandia explained. "So ice packs and ibuprofen are on the docket today, alright? And you let us know if the pain gets bad. We've got things we can give you for that."

Rey threaded her arms through a new gown. "Okay. Right now I feel alright."

Kandia smiled. "I'm glad. I'll check in with you after the rest of your epidural wears off."

"At what point can I wear clothes again?" Rey grimaced at the hideous gown and its once-more revealing back.

The nurse chuckled. "Technically? As soon as you want. I recommend nothing with pants for at least today, since we're going to keep bugging you and checking your blood flow, but if you have your own gown or robe you're more than welcome to put that on. If you plan to keep trying to nurse, though, you'll want something that allows for easy access."

Rey sighed and resigned herself to the hospital-provided gown for now. She didn't really have anything that fit those specifications. A long t-shirt, yes, but that would be terribly awkward to hike all the way up every — wait, how often did a newborn need to nurse anyway?

"I have a wheelchair for you, if you're ready to transfer to Maternity."

Right. Right. They'd mentioned this in the tour. Labor and Delivery was only the place where she'd get the baby out, not where she'd stay for the two or three days of recovery. Still, it was a thought that made her emotionally stumble a weird step — leaving this room where she'd been for the last day, working to bring her baby into the world.

But she remembered how nice the Maternity Ward was from their tour, and suddenly yes, she was very ready. She gave Kandia a nod.

The nurse smiled and helped her out of the bathroom. She sank into the wheelchair provided, rather enjoying the comforting, cold bulk of the ice pack where she now felt a twinge of sensitivity. Kandia attached a new saline bag to a tree on the back of the chair and hooked the IV up to Rey's port, ensuring her hydration once again.

Ben was sitting on the bed with Olive cradled in his lap, looking like the illustration that might accompany an encyclopedic entry of _father._ He studied the infant in his arms with a kind of fascination Rey had never seen in all her years of knowing him.

Kandia rolled a little cart towards him with a clear plastic bassinet resting in it. On the foot of this bassinet was a fanciful card that read _Olive_.

"Okay, proud Papa," she said gently. "For liability reasons, we can't let either of you carry her to your new room, but you can push the cart while I push your wife, okay?"

"We're going to the new room?" Ben asked, glancing around.

"Yep," said Kandia. "You can put your things here under the bassinet."

Gingerly, like he was afraid to break her, Ben set the burrito of their baby down onto the pad at the bottom of the bassinet, giving her an anxious once-over to make sure she was alright with the change. She didn't even stir. Satisfied, he turned and gathered up their bags, sliding them into the empty space beneath Olive's little cradle. They hadn't really gotten much out anyway. Rey had stowed her clothes in her bag initially, and had only opened it again to put on socks when her feet got cold. Ben had used his more, pulling out the Switch, brushing his teeth at one point before they went to sleep last night. Still, it was surprisingly easy to leave this space where they'd kept their long vigil.

Rey experienced a kind of fond possessiveness, watching him catch the phone chargers from the wall and get her mug of ice water. He seemed altered somehow. Like she was looking at a man who was not exactly the same as he was an hour ago. But maybe it was only her perception that had changed. The way he raked a hand through that soft black hair, long enough to just barely brush his collar, long enough to disguise those big ears Olive seemed to have inherited — it struck her anew for some reason. She was charmed. The way his big body moved around the space, like it wasn't quite sure how to fit. She thought him hot. And the way he finally settled at the bassinet again, fussing with Olive's swaddle, making sure it was tight. She thought him perfect.

When he glanced up and their eyes caught, she gave him a soft, shy smile.

He looked surprised, and then…pleased.

Kandia motioned for him to follow, and then opened the door and wheeled Rey around. Ben pushed Olive behind, and the four of them made their way through brightly illuminated hospital hallways. Nurses and orderlies who passed them issued their congratulations. Rey smiled and thanked them.

"Here we are," Kandia said when they'd finally wound their way around to the maternity ward.

_221B_ the door said.

Rey leaned forward, caught the handle and pushed the door inward. Kandia thanked her and pushed her on through.

"Oooh," said the nurse in a sound of surprise. "Someone got you upgraded to the nice digs."

Rey immediately recognized this was one of the fancier maternity suites made available for those willing to spring for it. It had a Queen-sized hospital bed and a nice sectional, a plush recliner, a table and chairs, a mini fridge stocked full of treats and beverages (most on the healthy side) and an enormous TV mounted on the wall. The attached bathroom was huge and lovely too, and someone had taken great pains to make this room feel more homey than the delivery room.

Rey glanced at Ben when he looked around the room and whistled softly.

"This wasn't you?" she asked.

He shook his head. "Nope. We're supposed to be buying a house today, so our indulgence money is temporarily drained. Not that I don't want to best for you," he added hastily.

Rey laughed, slowly standing from the wheelchair. Kandia unhooked her IV bag and handed it to her while she got the room set up. Rey didn't need a steadying hand this time as she moved around, checking everything out. "I'm actually relieved. I'd have questioned your sanity."

"You're buying a house _today_?" Kandia asked incredulously.

"Well, supposed to, at least. I gotta make some calls," Ben said, his attention following Rey around the room. Eventually he stepped away from the cart and the sleepy bundle inside it to grab her hand and pull her back towards the bed. "What are you doing?"

"It feels good to walk around," she protested, but she couldn't really begrudge his caring now anymore than she could before when he fretted. She let him lift her in one swooping movement and deposit her gently on the bed.

"I'm glad," he said, his voice low, "but I really don't want you to overdo it. You should definitely be resting."

"I'm listening to my body," she teased.

A low rumble of skeptical thought hummed through him, and he bent, his face close to hers, dark eyes glittering with affection. "I know you, Rey Solo, and I know that you've survived by ignoring your body signals. So forgive me if I'm a little overprotective."

She cupped the side of his face, lips twitching into a grin as she brushed a thumb over his lips. "Alright, alright. I'll let you win this time."

His own plush mouth tipped into a funny little smile. "You're in a strange mood."

She pulled him in a little closer and whispered in his ear, "It's because I think I might have a crush on you, Ben Solo. Don't tell anyone."

He pulled back as a flush of pink blossomed in his cheeks and he laughed. "Are you drunk on hormones, Rey?"

"Just very happy," she said, drawing the blanket up around herself, folding her legs cross-cross beneath her. "Can I have my baby now?"

Ben's smile grew and he pulled Olive's little cart over next to the bed, carefully lifting the bundle out and putting her into Rey's waiting arms.

It felt right to have her there. Exhilarating and strange and intimidating, yes, but right too. Like she was made to fit right there, tucked in snug and safe.

Kandia seemed to have disappeared after hanging up the IV bag again, so they had the room utterly to themselves for the first time. Rey patted the empty expanse on the bed next to her, and Ben obliged, settling in right next to her, hooking his chin on her shoulder. She leaned against him and sighed contentedly. This is exactly how she wanted them to stay, snuggled up together, the three of them, forever.

"I was worried," he said very softly, "that you'd resent me for doing this to you. For making you go through that. I was afraid the fairytale of this summer had shattered and you'd realize you'd made a mistake you couldn't undo."

It could have gone that way, Rey supposed. It was a cliché for a reason, wasn't it? The woman screaming her way through labor, bellowing at her husband and proclaiming he'd never touch her again.

Olive stirred, not opening her eyes but nosing towards the side of the blanket. Rey tapped her nose once with a feather-light touch, and Olive's mouth popped open, searching.

"I don't feel that way at all," Rey told him, watching as the little cheeks rounded again when Olive closed her mouth and sighed. "It's…it's very much the opposite."

"Yeah," he chuckled, "I guess I kinda got that when you said you wanted a dozen."

She grinned and tipped her head into his. "I've never felt this powerful. I can't explain it. It feels like I could burn down the whole galaxy to find you."

"I'm right here," he said, turning to nose into her neck and place a kiss against her jaw. "And I'm never going anywhere else."

"Lucky for the galaxy."

Olive started rooting around again a minute later, so Rey tried to repeat what she did before in the delivery room, remembering Kandia's instructions. It was so awkward, honestly the most awkward thing she'd ever done, but after a few fumbling attempts she and Olive managed to come together in a way that was…probably right? She wasn't sure, but by the pain that lanced through her nipple and made her gasp, she was pretty sure it was right. Olive set to sucking and after watching a few swallows, Rey was reasonably certain she was getting _something_.

"You okay?" Ben asked.

She was still wincing. "It was nice when you did it. She's…a lot stronger."

That made him laugh a surprised, delighted kind of laugh. The door to their room opened and Kandia came walking back in, along with an older nurse.

"See?" Kandia said to the other woman with a big grin. "I told you they were fun."

"It does sound like a party in here." The new nurse smiled mildly.

"Rey, Ben, this is Barb, she's taking over and will be your nurse over here in maternity, okay?"

By now the circus of nurses had become pretty expected, but Rey experienced a little stab of regret anyway. Kandia was her comfort after Addisyn, and Kandia had been there to coach her through the worst of it. She wanted to give the woman a hug. Or send her a succulent. Or do something to express her effusive gratitude.

Instead she just nodded.

Kandia gave Barb the run down of how Rey was doing and then they checked her bleeding. Kandia said goodbye and Rey managed an inadequate "Thank you for everything." And then she was gone.

Barb was nice though. She had a mellow, pleasant demeanor as she explained how things worked in maternity — about how the new wristbands they'd put on Rey, Olive, and Ben all matched and how security worked (which was really more alarming than reassuring, Rey decided, that baby-snatchers existed in the world) and explained how care was going to work today. Afterward she checked Rey's vitals and asked how breast-feeding was going so far. When Rey told her how much it hurt, she nodded sympathetically and told them how she'd had six babies of her own and breastfed them all.

"It'll get easier," she assured Rey. "You and Olive will get more confident and your nipples will though up so it doesn't hurt anymore, I promise. In the meantime, let me grab you a cream you can put on to help soothe them. It's safe for ingestion so you don't even need to clean it off before she feeds. Also — did you know you have two people in the waiting room?"

Ben jerked in alarm, extracting himself from Rey and getting to his feet again. "Oh shit, my parents!"

Rey laughed. "You forgot about them?"

"I got a little distracted," he said, motioning at her and the baby. "Are you ready for them to come in?"

Olive had fallen asleep again, so Rey put herself to rights back beneath the robe. "Yes."

Ben disappeared, and a couple minutes later returned with Han and Leia in tow. At least, Rey _thought_ maybe it was Han, but she couldn't tell because he was hidden behind a mountain of bouquets and balloons. Leia held only two gift bags, and positively _beamed_ when she came into the room.

She immediately set the bags on the foot of the bed and rushed to embrace Rey in a ferocious hug. Ben's arms slipped between them and rescued Olive, leaving Rey free to hug her back.

"You brave, wonderful girl," Leia cooed, soothing her hand through Rey's hair. "You strong, strong woman. I'm so proud of you."

She meant it. The sincerity in her voice oozed through every squeezed cell in Rey's body, and drew unbidden tears to her eyes. Leia's maternal influence was powerful, and wrapped Rey in a cozy, loved cocoon. Leia hadn't even glanced at the baby before she came straight for Rey, and that meant something.

When they finally parted, they both looked over at the men. Han had set down the crazy riot of offerings and now stood beside Ben, looking down at the face of his granddaughter. Ben's face was soft, but unmistakable pride lurked there under the surface, peeking through the curl at the corners of his lips, the starlight in his eyes. Han looked thunderstruck with awe.

"If you wash your hands, I'll let you hold her," Ben told his father.

Han practically _sprinted_ across the room to the sink. While he washed, Leia drifted over to her son and peeked at the little face in his arms. She made a quiet noise.

"Oh, Ben. She's the most beautiful newborn I've ever seen."

Ben chuckled. "I think you're biased, Mom."

"No, most newborns are squished and alien-looking for the first day or two. You were. But this little lady is positively perfect." She gave his ear a playful tug. "Don't you think so, doting daddy?"

"Papa," Ben corrected. "She'll call me _papa_. And yes, I think she's beautiful."

Han was back a moment later, a whiff of soap still about him. He held out his arms, and Ben carefully, carefully transferred the bundle to him. Han received her with a little bit of awkwardness, like he didn't remember how to do it, but then she was nestled in the crook of his arm and he looked around the room, beaming.

"Hey, look at this," he told Leia. "Look at her."

"I did," Leia laughed. "And I'll take a turn after you, since you jumped to the front of the line."

Han gave her a smirk and a wink. "That's right I did, baby. I needed to meet this kid. And wow, what a kid."

Ben stepped back and took a picture as his father studied the little face in his arms. Satisfied with what he got, he sat on the edge of the bed next to Rey and watched his parents fawn over the baby. Rey was watching them too, a funny lump in her throat, emotions closer to the surface than she knew what to do with.

"You did good here, kiddo," Han told her, flashing a grin. "How are you feeling?"

"Good," said Rey. "Happy."

"You deserve it. This is the most incredible thing that's ever happened to this family."

"Not your son?" Leia teased.

Han barked a rough laugh. "Come on, Leia, she's _way_ better than our son."

Leia laughed, flitting away from him briefly and turning to the gift bags, giving one to Rey. "By the way, dear, this is for you. I know how awful those gowns can be. I figured you might like something more comfortable while you're here."

Curious, Rey reached into the bag, her fingers meeting the most buttery-soft fabric she'd ever felt. She pulled out an earthy green — dress? thing? Shaped sort of like a casual sundress that would hang to the knees, had a pleasant weight to it, with thin straps that snapped together at a shoulder, and Rey knew immediately that it was made for nursing. At the bottom of the bag, beneath the dress, was a sleeved cashmere wrap.

"Wow," Rey said softly, because these things _felt_ expensive, and even though Leia had not demonstrated the least bit hesitation in happily spending on clothes for Rey, it still felt like a really, really generous gift.

"See," Leia said, showing her how the wide straps of the dress unbuttoned. "This way you can breastfeed if you want, but you're nice and covered up everywhere else. And it's treated to be stain resistant so you don't have to worry about any of that. I went with the sleeveless model because sometimes your haywire hormones will make you sweat like crazy, and other times you'll get super cold — hence the wrap."

"Leia, I don't know what to say except thank you."

"No need for even that much, dear. You've given me something far more important, it's the least I could do." Leia pushed the other bag towards her. "This one is for my granddaughter but you can open it for her."

Ben peered curiously over her shoulder as she pulled out an ultra-soft swaddle blanket, cream colored with earthy green olive leaves printed all over it. Rey smiled. "Leia. It's perfect."

"I thought so too," said the older woman happily. She flitted over to the sink. "You get thirty more seconds, Han, and then that baby is mine."

He grumbled good-naturedly but didn't protest. When Leia came back a moment later, he let her rob him of his cargo. And finally, Leia got her grandbaby in her arms. She immediately teared up.

"Aw, Honey," Han said, putting an arm around her.

She leaned into his shoulder, glassy-eyed as she brought Olive's forehead to her cheek and closed her eyes.

Ben made a funny little noise, and when Rey looked up at him she saw that he was misty too. He buried his nose into her hair, and she was stuck by the wild urge to laugh. This powerful family falling to pieces over the tiniest of girls.

* * *

Han and Leia stayed for an hour. Mostly Leia had Olive during that time, but Han managed to get her back at one point. Rey went to the bathroom when Barb came back in to check on her and replaced her pad, ice pack and witch hazel rounds. She removed the IV too, and at last Rey was free from all her constraints. When Barb left her again — promising to come check her vitals again after her guests had gone — Rey tried to change into the dress Leia had brought. But when she slipped off the hospital gown and caught a glimpse of herself in the full-length mirror behind the door, she burst out laughing.

It was sort of helpless, despairing laughter though.

Because her body was _…ruined._

Ben poked his head on. "You okay? What's so funny?"

She didn't want him to see. She didn't want him to be disgusted. But it looked so absurd she couldn't help herself, and motioned to her stomach. "It looks like a deflated balloon!"

His eyes traveled down her body to the saggy middle that had, only hours ago, been so tight and round and full. His mouth quirked into a little grin. "Huh. Okay."

"Is it going to look like this forever?"

"I doubt it. You only just gave birth, Rey. You gotta give it some time."

"What if it doesn't though?" Her hilarity was quickly turning dark, into something closer to horror. "What if I'm always gross?"

He stepped in and shut the door behind him, his hands finding her waist and bending a little so they were eye-to-eye. "Listen to me. You are _not_ gross. And if you never get back to the way you were before, this is what will happen: You'll secretly fret about it, and you'll wear those horrible compression suits women always seem to want, and me? I'll spent every day, and every night, convincing you of how insanely hot you are. You still are. You always will be. Even when we're both ninety and flabby and wrinkly, and Olive's grandkids are the babies we get the hold, you'll still be the most beautiful woman I've ever known. Do you hear me?"

A surge of love and gratitude so strong Rey didn't know how to contain it welled up in her, and Ben pulled her in to a tight embrace.

"How can someone so powerful she could set fire to galaxies be reduced to worrying about her life-giving body?" he whispered as she cried into his neck.

It _was_ a jarring shift of emotions, but Rey was helplessly pulled by the riptides of her feelings right now, and she could only hang on for dear life.

"I love you," she whispered into his skin.

"Not as much as I love you."

"You wanna fight me?" she teased, soothed back into humor by his proximity and the feeling of his clothes against her exposed, weary, tender body.

He laughed. "No, thanks. You'd win. Let's just get you dressed, huh?"

So they did. Rey pulled on the dress, pleased to find a built-in nursing bra sewn into the top, and fixed her hair, which really wasn't as horribly disheveled as she'd feared. Mostly just kind of fuzzy and a little curled from sweating so much. When she came out, Han and Leia were head-to-head on the couch, making faces at Olive, who stared at them with that puckered little confused look again.

"That looks so good on you!" Leia said happily when she glanced up.

"Thank you so much. It's much better than the hospital gown," said Rey.

"Ben, I think this kid got your ears," Han observed.

"Poor thing," Ben sighed.

Rey climbed back onto the bed, feeling suddenly exhausted. The adrenaline of the morning was quickly wearing off.

Leia put Olive into her arms and brushed an affectionate finger down Rey's face. "We're going to go now, but if you're up for it, we'll come see you again tomorrow. If you need anything at all, please let us know."

"I will," Rey promised.

Leia tugged her son down to her and kissed his cheek. "Proud of you, Ben," she said gently.

He hunched his enormous body small to hug his mother. "Thanks, Mom."

Han clapped him on the shoulder and gave Rey a wink. "You two have done something great here. Congratulations."

And with that, he offered his arm to his wife, who took it, and the two of them headed out. Ben closed the door behind them. He went to Rey's hospital bag and pulled out the blanket she'd brought with her, after reading some advice that hospitals could be cold. He laid it out over her.

"Rest," he said. "I can see how tired you are. Just rest."

"Do you think she needs to eat again?" Olive had a pained expression on her face, little mouth pulled in the most tragic grimace Rey had ever seen. A tiny whimper escaped her. It wasn't even a full cry, but it pulled her parents' hearts through out their throats as they jumped to figure out what was wrong.

"Does she need to be changed?" Ben asked, worried.

Rey put the baby on the bed in front of her and hastily undid the swaddle, exposing her fuzzy, velvety-soft little body down to the diaper.

"Blue line!" Ben said, pointing. "That means she needs a change."

"It does?" Rey blinked at the diaper.

He pointed out a line in the center of the diaper. "It starts out yellow, but when she pees it turns blue. Here, I can take care of it."

Before Rey even really knew what was happening, his huge hands had engulfed Olive, supporting her head as he deftly lifted her away and put her in the plastic bassinet. Swiftly and expeditiously, like he knew they'd be there, he pulled out a teensy diaper and a packet of wipes from the drawer on the cart. He peeled open the diaper and took a look.

"It's just wet," he informed her. Olive gave a cranky little squawk of protest.

Rey watched, marveling, as he gave the baby girl a swift wipe and changed the diaper like he was some undercover expert at it.

"How…?" she wondered.

"I've been practicing," he said as the only explanation.

Barb came in again to give Rey some more ibuprofen and a stool softener just as he was finishing up, grinning a little grin.

"Wet?"

"Yeah," said Ben.

"Great. I have a chart for you to fill out. I'll show you how. Do you know how to swaddle her back up?"

"They showed me in the delivery room, but I'm not sure I remember."

"Alright. Just a minute." Barb went to Rey first. She put the medication in her hand. "How are you feeling?"

"Good," sighed Rey. "A little sleepy."

"You should sleep every opportunity you can. Your body did something a lot harder than running a marathon. It needs the rest to recover. Do you want us to take Olive to the nursery so you can sleep?"

"No!" Rey said quickly, horrified at the idea.

Barb chuckled. "Okay, okay. Don't worry, she can stay. No one will take your baby. Also, something else to think about — try doing a lot of skin to skin, when you can. It's so good for them. Ben, you can do it too, if you're so inclined. You just get her down to a diaper and put her against the skin of your chest for a while. After you nap, of course. Rest is first."

She went to Ben and took Olive's vitals before showing him how to arrange the blanket and wrap Olive into a tight little bundle again. She also showed him how to burp her. After a few pats from Ben, Olive made a tiny, wet belch and then settled down at last. She stopped squirming so much and sighed. Afterwards, Barb checked Rey's bleeding again and complemented her on the dress. She urged Rey to think about lunch after taking a nap, and then left again.

She wasn't the type to hover. Rey didn't mind.

Ben turned off the lights in the room and went to the couch, tucking Olive up under his chin. "Sleep," he told Rey. "That's an obnoxious husband order. Don't worry about anything else."

Rey settled back against the bed, pressing the button to lower it until she was laying nearly flat. She curled up on her side and watched as Ben pulled out his laptop and put on a movie, applying earbuds to each ear. "We're gonna watch Karate Kid," he whispered to Olive. "I think you're going to like it."

Rey smiled and let her eyes drift shut, happy as she fell asleep.

* * *

When she woke again a couple hours later, the first thing she noticed was a heavenly, hot, greasy aroma filling her nose. Her eyes popped open and her head lifted — and she spotted the brown paper bag labeled with her favorite burger joint. Her mug sat next to it, dewy with a fresh fill of ice and water. She sat up, blinking and tremendously hungry.

But before she could dig in, something else caught her attention. Ben and Olive weren't on the couch anymore. She saw them across the room near the windows, standing in splintered shafts of dim, stormy afternoon light coming through the blinds. Ben swayed a little, the distant thunder of his voice rolling softly through the quiet room. Rey couldn't quiet hear was he was saying but — was he _singing?_

She slipped out of bed, padding softly towards them, tugging the shawl around herself. Quietly, so as not to disturb them, she drew in close.

"Like the river flows," Ben whisper-sang, running his fingers through downy black baby hair, "surely to the sea, darling so it goes, some things are meant to be. So take—"

His breath hitched. Olive's fingers splayed open and wrapped around one of his.

"—My hand," Ben barely managed to get out, his voice ragged with sudden emotion, and a thick pause stole his next words away.

Rey made herself known, slipping up behind him, her hand sliding down his back while she leaned into his shoulder. Olive stared up at him in that furrowed, hazy kind of way.

"Take my whole life too," he continued, turning his head to Rey.

His eyes searched hers, obsidian pools laced with whorls of gold in the ragged light, shining with unspilled tears. They glittered, dark and warm and helplessly, hopelessly soft. They lingered on her for a moment before returning to the smaller mirrored images of them, reflected back in the tiny dark eyes of his daughter.

"For I can't help falling in love with you."

And Rey echoed in her mind his last refrain with him.

_Oh, I can't help falling in love with you_.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> LOOK AT THIS STUNNING ARTWORK!!! Commissioned by the incredibly talented Lucia. Check out her Fiverr account [here](https://www.fiverr.com/lp_artworks) and her Twitter [here](https://twitter.com/LP_artworks)


	25. The Wreck of Our Hearts

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A couple of introductions and a distracted new father

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Guys I am humbled and overwhelmed and blown away by the support of the last three chapters. They were an intense dive into an event that can be kind of uncomfortable for a lot of people to think about in detail, so I'm grateful for all the love. Rey's experience is an amalgamation of my own three births, with bits and pieces taken from each and with a few elements that are entirely her own. Writing those chapters gave me intense flash backs to my deliveries and actually provoked honest-to-god sympathy cramps, but I loved writing them. Thank you so much. We're not quite done yet, but I do want to say that writing this fic has been a joy because of you guys and your overwhelming enthusiasm. I hope you all know how much I love you.
> 
> Zooming out a little bit from the intensity now, a brief glimpse into the interim between "hello" and "welcome home."
> 
> I was planning a Ben POV for this one, but that's been pushed to the next chapter. I promise you'll get into his head next time!

* * *

**CHAPTER TWENTY FIVE**

**The Wreck of Our Hearts**

"Holy fu—"

"Hux," Ben cut him off, "Watch your language."

Hux laughed. "It's not like she's developing memories or language yet, Solo, calm down."

"I don't care, you'll be respectful when you're in the presence of my daughter," Ben menaced.

The October thunderstorm had eased into a light evening rain pattering against the windows. Rey sat cross-legged on the big hospital bed, Olive on the mattress in front of her while Rose and Hux leaned in to get a good look. Within the new mother flowed a slow, tranquil stream of deep contentment. After the flurry of life-altering cosmic shifts this morning, the day had slowed way down and given rise to a kind of soft, timeless void where only love existed. The burger had been eaten and thoroughly enjoyed, the nurses had changed guard again, and Ben — after singing to his baby and tucking Rey back into bed, and putting a sleeping Olive back into her bassinet — had spent almost a solid hour wandering around outside on the phone while the two of them dozed. When he came back and Rey asked him if things with the house closing were complicated, he kissed her forehead, told her no and to not worry about it.

The friends wanted to come meet the new kid that night. Rey had promised to tell Finn when it was safe, but she couldn't have them all there at once. So she let Rose and Hux come first, the only visitors she wanted for the rest of the evening. Tomorrow they'd arrange to have the others stop by in shifts.

"I was about to compliment you on your fine handiwork," Hux said, glancing up at Ben again. "Before you decided to go full Boy Scout on me."

"Not my handiwork," Ben told him. "She's all Rey."

"I dunno, buddy," Rose chimed in. "Your contribution is kind of obvious. That hair, huh?"

"So much hair," Hux agreed.

"But you did do all the work." Rose glanced at Rey with a soft smile. "And you did amazing. She's insanely cute."

Rey grinned. Olive was awake and would probably want to eat soon, but for now she lay there snug her in swaddle, blinking up at Rose and Hux with a solemn little turn to her lips.

"I can't believe you guys are parents," Rose sighed and eased her hip onto the bed next to Rey. "Does it feel real?"

"Not even a little," Rey admitted with a little laugh. "It's like a dream."

Not all of it. Not the less pleasant aspects, like the ice pack wedged between her legs, or the way her uterus seemed to be directly connected to Olive's mouth, rolling in wave after wave of nasty cramping every time the baby nursed. Those things were grimly real and not at all dream-like. But when she looked into the face of this tiny new person, when she made a soft sound, when Ben held her— these were all things that did not feel like they could be part of her life. Like this was a pretty somnolent illusion that could not endure the waking. She'd trip and fall and jump herself into consciousness, and discover that she was back in England on a cold threadbare mattress on the ground in a house with too many children competing for too little food.

Because how did someone like her get to live a life where this beautiful, tiny little person who smelled like the sweetest drug and felt like _home_ in her arms, was hers? How did things turn out this way?

She glanced over at Ben, filling out Olive's feeding and diapering chart, logging her latest diaper change from half an hour ago. It had been a startling discovering, finding that the diaper contained the stickiest black tar-like substance they'd ever seen. Ben had valiantly done his best to get her all clean, which looked to be no easy feat. Rey offered to help, but he refused.

"You did the hard part," he said. "I can at least change the diapers and deal with intergalactic ooze that _won't wipe off_."

Rey had laughed at that.

He charted the ooze now, dutifully keeping the log like it was vital to Olive's survival.

"You are beautiful, Liv," Hux whispered to the baby. "And I promise to watch my language so you don't pick up any bad habits."

"Thank you," said Ben, hunched over the chart.

"Do you want to hold her?" Rey asked Rose. There was something funny on her friend's face, some strange expression Rey couldn't read at all.

"Wash your hands first," Ben cut in.

Rose snickered as she got up and went to the sink. "I will, Nervous Nelly, don't worry."

Ben _was_ really protective. When they took Olive away a while ago for testing and a proper bath, Ben had paced nervously around until Rey made him to stop. She didn't like having the baby gone either, but at least she was calm about it. She asked him to go get a refill of ice and water in her big mug. It was an errand which she could have easily asked the nurse to do, but Ben seemed glad for the task and took the opportunity to stop by the nursery and watch through the window. When he came back, he climbed into the big queen bed, wrapped his arms around Rey and buried his face in her soft, empty middle. She stroked his hair and neither of them said anything for a long time.

He relaxed again when they brought Olive back later, reporting good test results and a nice clean baby.

Hux glanced at Rey. "How are you doing? You look great for someone who's just been through what you have."

She grinned. "Better than yesterday?"

"Calmer than yesterday," he agreed. "Even though you were freakishly calm for the situation even then. Look what happened since. You made a whole human."

She laughed. "I did. And I feel good. Actually, I feel good enough to go home."

"Not yet," Ben said — again. She'd mentioned it a few minutes before Rose and Hux arrived, how she felt pretty great except for some pain fully manageable through ibuprofen and acetaminophen. She said she wasn't sure she wanted to stay the full three days in maternity. Ben had given her the same answer. He wasn't comfortable going home yet. They didn't know what they were doing, at least here they had built-in support only a button away, and he wanted to make sure she was as rested and healed as possible before they attempted this on their own.

They were good reasons, so Rey didn't argue, but it didn't change how she felt like she could walk out of here and go back to Ben's condo and be perfectly fine.

"I think I have to agree with Solo," Hux said, jarred by this confession. "Even though I have nothing to do with it. You just had a baby _today_. Shouldn't you stay a little longer?"

"Easy, Hux, I'm not going anywhere," Rey laughed. "I just feel better than I expected, that's all."

Rose came back with clean hands. Rey lifted her bundle of baby, heart squeezing tight as it did every time she got Olive in her hands, and carefully transferred her to Rose. Her friend immediately put Olive into the crook of her arm and stepped backwards into the couch, sitting and supporting her elbow on the armrest, settling in with a surprising degree of expertise. She didn't look at all awkward, like she didn't know what to do with a newborn. No, in fact she looked...completely comfortable.

Hux went and sat next to her, stretching his arm over the back of the couch behind her so he could lean in. "You seem like you've done this before."

"You remember those old books? The Babysitter's Club?"

"No," said Hux.

"No," said Rey.

Rose laughed. "Okay well failed reference aside, Paige and I established a sort of babysitter service to make money as teenagers. We used to babysit _a lot_ ," said Rose. "Paige would always handle the older kids, and I'd get the babies."

"I might be calling you for advice and help then," Rey told her. "Sounds like you know what you're doing, and I don't. At all."

Rose flashed her a little smile and then returned her attention to the baby. "I wouldn't mind that, especially if I get to come over and get baby snuggles."

Ben moved around the room, tidying up the few things that were out of place, rearranging the absurd number of flowers and balloons his parents had brought. Rey thought he seemed a little agitated, but she didn't want to call him out on it in front of their friends. The relaxed, emotional, awe-struck Ben of hours ago had been replaced by someone with ants under his skin.

"Hux," he said at one point, "walk with me to the cafeteria. I need a snack."

Hux glanced up, mildly surprised. He shrugged, stood and followed. "We going walkabout, buddy? You got something to say?"

"Maybe."

"Oh, that's not at all vague and intriguing. I'm in."

Rey could only muster the energy for a hazy sort of curiosity, and it was fleeting at that. She was just glad Ben was getting something in his stomach. He hadn't eaten anything since...wow, since last night, before everything got crazy.

Rose glanced up. "How are you really doing, sweetie? How did it all go?"

She stood and came to the bed. Rey shifted over to make room for her, and they sat side by side, little Olive between them.

"It wasn't anything like I thought it would be," Rey said honestly. "Really intense, but not as awful. It's hard to describe. But I'm good now. I have moments of...well, it feels like horror, where I realize this is permanent and I have no idea how to proceed. But even saying that, it hasn't been as scary as I expected. It helps when I hold her. Then it feels like I could do anything. _Would_ do anything. For her."

Such a dizzying contradiction of emotions that churned and roiled in her like a stormy sea. On the one hand, she felt peaceful and loved and full of love. On the other, she seesawed between overwhelming inadequacy and bursting confidence. They told her the emotional ride was normal and expected. That didn't make it any less disorienting, though.

"She's the most amazing thing I've ever seen, and I take back everything I said before about you guys making a mistake. She's not a mistake." Rose leaned her head on Rey's shoulders. "I'm just amazed by your bravery. How did you face it? In the beginning, I mean. Could you see this moment, right here? Is that how you made the choice to...jump off this cliff?"

"You mean when I found out about her? The choice to keep it or not?"

Rose nodded.

Rey shook her head. "I couldn't see this at all. I didn't know what would happen. I had no idea what this would do to me and Ben, or how it would change me. I just...there was just this _feeling_. It's so hard to explain. A feeling like I had to do it. I wanted to do it."

She saw Olive's little crochet candy corn hat lying on the bed and took it, sliding it over her baby's fuzzy head in a sudden worry that she'd be cold without it. The hospital room wasn't the warmest place — certainly not as warm as where Olive had been this morning.

Rose giggled. "Okay, that hat is adorable."

"I thought so too," said Rey. "They brought her back from her bath wearing it. They said a volunteer made a bunch for all the October babies."

They sat in comfortable silence for a few minutes. Then Rey elbowed her and said softly, "Hey, what's on your mind? Why'd you ask? I know you're thinking about something. I'm gonna be nosy and pry now. What's going on?"

"It's...Hux," Rose sighed. "He really wants to get married. He won't drop the subject, especially watching all of this, with you guys. It's got him all in his feelings."

"I thought you wanted to marry him."

"I...don't _not_ want to marry him..."

Rey laughed. "I have no idea what that means."

"Yeah. Me neither." Rose gave her a sheepish smile. "I mean, I love him. I do. He makes me _really_ happy."

Nobody who knew Rose Tico and Armitage Hux could think they were anything but incandescently in love. The head over heels, pull-the-moon-down-for-you kind of love. They'd been together for ages. Years and years. They were _great_ together. Completely natural.

"So what's the problem?"

Rose smirked. "Funny hearing that question from you. The _problem_ is that...I don't know, what if it doesn't...last?"

Rey blinked. "Doesn't last?"

"Yeah. You know. What if it falls apart?"

"What makes you think it will?" Rey asked gently. "You guys have been together for so long. Is it getting stale?"

"No! Definitely not. I just...I don't know. I'm nervous, I guess. I don't know how you and Paige did it. How did you make the commitment? I mean, granted yours was a _lot_ bigger than just getting engaged, but still. I don't understand. What if we get married and everything we love about our life _changes?_ What if being married kills the romance? He wants kids. I know he does. What if we follow you and Ben into this crazy new parent world and then the stress of it pulls us apart? Our life together right now is so good. It's so very, very good. I don't want to ruin it by introducing unnecessary change."

Olive stirred. She arched and squirmed in her burrito, scrunching her face and then her body. She turned a little red and then —

A huge fart erupted out of her, so manly for such a tiny little lady.

Rey and Rose laughed.

"I don't know where you got your comedic timing from, little Livvy," Rose giggled, "because neither of your parents are good at it, but that was most excellent. Thank you for lightening the mood."

Olive sighed and settled again, her blinks long and slow.

Rey never knew she could feel so much overwhelming affection for anything in her life. It was like her heart had burst to three times its size and still it wasn't enough to contain her love. She wanted to snatch Olive out of Rose's arms and bury her face in that tiny blanket and drink deeply of the intoxicating smell of a newborn. She held herself back, though, because she wasn't sure Rose would understand and she didn't want to alarm her friend.

"Honestly," she said instead, her smile lingering, "I really have no advice for you. I'm the last person in the world who could give advice about that. Until all of this, I lived my life mired in _what-if's_ and worst case scenarios. It's why it took me so long to realize my feelings for Ben. And I wish I could tell you how it happened that I took the plunge and decided to have his baby, how it happened that I married him and agreed to buy a house with him, but I don't know. I still don't understand how any of it happened — only I'm glad that it did. Even if it all ends in pain someday, which I hope it won't, just to experience this once in my life will have been worth it."

"God, Rey," Rose said whisper-soft. "You're gonna make me cry."

"Olive's blanket is absorbent," Rey teased gently, shouldering her friend. "But seriously, I don't know what to tell you about Hux, except maybe you should explain all these feelings and fears to him if you don't want him bringing the subject up all the time."

"Yeah. That's...probably a very good idea." Rose exhaled a quiet breath and stared down at Olive. Suddenly her head snapped up and she looked at Rey. "Wait, did you say _married?_ As in 'ed,' as in past-tense?"

"No," Rey said quickly, blushing. "Did I say it that way?"

"Yes." Rose's eyes narrowed. "You did."

"I meant to say _agreed_ to marry him."

"Uh-huh." Rose shifted Olive to her other arm so she could pick up Rey's hand and examine it. "Where's your ring?"

"They made me take it off when we got here in case I swelled up or something." That wasn't a lie. It was in her bag. "What do you think you'd be able to tell by looking at it anyway? You think you're going to find some evidence of a secret elopement written into the stone?"

"Hmm, good point. It's an antique. Probably won't have a wedding band." Rose rotated Rey's wrist instead, thumbing her plastic hospital ID band around so she could peer at the information there. "But are you going to try to convince me they listed your information wrong too? Because this says Rey _Solo_."

Rey pulled her arm back, heat pooling in her cheeks again. "Would you believe me if I said yes, they got it wrong?"

"No."

She laughed. "Okay, then... it isn't a mistake."

"Reeeeeyyyyyy!" Rose screeched so loudly and suddenly that Olive jerked violently awake and let out a panicked gasp and desperate cry. "Oh shit — I mean shoot — I'm sorry —"

Rey scooped her daughter up quickly and lifted her to her chest, letting tiny, offended wails puff against her neck. She patted Olive's back and made soothing noises. It felt like the right thing to do. She glanced at Rose and gave a helpless shrug. Was this good? Was this how compentant mothers soothed their children?

Ben came tearing back into the room, half a plastic-wrapped deli sandwich in hand. "What happened? Is she okay?"

Rey laughed. "Wow, you're like a genie. Rub Olive three times and _poof_ , her father appears."

He hurried over to the bed. "What's wrong? She sounds hurt. Are you okay?"

Olive was already quieting, her protests pittering off under the rhythm of Rey's pats. Rey surged with triumph. She was doing it right. "I'm fine, and she's fine. She just got startled."

Hux must've come in after Ben, because he helped himself to the couch again and reclined like he hadn't a care in the world, throwing a smirk their way. "What'd you do, Rosie? Did you pinch her?"

Rose coughed conspicuously. "Uh, okay so it _was_ my fault, but in my defense _I_ got startled too. I freaked out which made her freak out. But check out Rey, look at her, she's a total natural."

Ben _was_ looking at Rey, his worry replaced by an expression that had gone all soft again. She gave him a reassuring smile.

"It's okay," she said, briefly moving her hand from Olive's back to Ben's arm. "I got this. Really. Did you find something to eat?"

He sighed, pulling himself backwards to the couch and sitting down beside Hux. He looked at his sandwich. "I guess that's what you call this, yeah."

"I call it sadness in plastic wrap," Hux laughed. "Rose, we should probably bring this guy some real food this evening."

"We can do that," said Rose. "Ben, don't eat that. We'll get you something better."

"It's fine," he assured them. "I'll just order delivery. No big deal."

"It's been a big day, you're all worked up, and need to calm down. Let us bring you food." Hux tapped a finger on Ben's shoulder.

"I'm not worked up."

"You heard one little echo of Liv crying and went tearing off like a bat outta hell, Solo," Hux laughed. "You're a nervous wreck. You just need to calm down. Tell yourself to chill, that's the trick."

"Thank you for that sage advice," Ben said with unveiled sarcasm. "I'll be sure to return the sentiment when the roles are one day reversed."

Rey glanced at Rose at that, who blushed and picked at the blanket on the bed.

Hux laughed. "It's cute to see you like this, Solo. Gone all soft and nervous for a baby."

Ben's mouth pressed into a line and his gaze settled on the floor, no reply rising to meet Hux's gentle derision. Rey had never known him to offer up his feelings to just anyone. He confided in Poe, sometimes, and he confided in her. But she knew him too well to expect that he'd let Hux in on his heightened emotions.

She couldn't really blame him for it either. While she wasn't exactly certain of what this experience was like for him, she knew in herself that every minor feeling that flitted through her was magnified tenfold. A flicker of nervousness because a skyscraper of breathless terror. A blip of happiness became consuming, euphoric joy. It helped when she slept. Sleeping tamed the surges of feeling. Ben hadn't slept at all. Not a single nap. So while he might not be riding the white water rapids of hormonal upheaval, he certainly had reason to be overwhelmed too.

She wondered how sleeping would work tonight. How it would work for the foreseeable future, in fact? Babies were notoriously good at torturing their parents with sleep deprivation, weren't they?

"Leave him alone, Armie," Rose urged. "Let's just go get him some good food."

"I didn't even get to hold little Liv yet though," Hux protested.

But Olive was squirmy and restless. Her cries had quieted but now she kept nuzzling her face against Rey's neck, mouth open and searching.

_Because you associate my scent with eating_ , Rey thought wearily. She really hoped the nursing thing would indeed get easier. She felt so uncertain all the time, so utterly inadequate. The initial surge of pride she'd felt to see Olive eating the first time had taken longer and longer to come again over the course of the day. Each time it hurt a little more, to the point when she felt physical dread every time Olive started to act hungry, and each time she felt less confident that her baby was getting what she needed. Olive took a long time to eat and she always fell asleep.

They told her a lactation consultant would be around tomorrow to check in. She definitely needed the advice.

"She's hungry," Rose observed. "You'll have to hold her next time, babe. There will be other opportunities. She's kind of a permanent part of the crew now."

Hux sighed and stood up. "Sure, yeah, you're right. We'll get out of your hair now, guys. Ben, we'll text you when we're outside with your food. Mongolian sound okay?"

Ben nodded gratefully.

"Rey? You want some too?" Rose asked.

"Yeah," she said immediately, because food sounded amazing. Her burger was long since gone, and she was _hungry._

"Text us what you both like," said Hux. "And congratulations again, guys. She's perfectly wonderful."

"Thank you," Rey said with a smile.

Ben walked Hux over to the door. Rose leaned in to give Rey a quick hug and whispered, "I'll keep your secret, you sneak, but I expect all the details at some point."

Rey smiled. "If you do keep it, I promise to tell you everything."

"Deal," Rose said with a wide dimpled grin. "And thank you for letting us come tonight. I'm so glad I got to meet her."

* * *

Holdo stopped by late that evening to check in on things. She seemed pleased with Rey's recovery so far and urged her to get as much sleep as possible. She reminded them that the nursery was there to take Olive between feedings if they wanted the rest, and to take advantage of the help while they had it. With the promise of returning tomorrow, she left again, and the evening settled down.

Rey nursed Olive again, grateful that Ben had gone out to grab their food and missed the part where she burst into tears at the first stab of pain through her sore, abused nipple. By the time he came back she was through the worst of it and had wiped her face dry with her free hand. He gave her a concerned look, but she ignored him in favor of the food. She'd discovered that nursing induced terrible cramps, true, but also incredible hunger. She remembered very well the last time she felt _so_ hungry, and was desperate to fill the void before it grew any larger.

Ben laughed as she greedily and one-handedly gobbled up her Mongolian BBQ take-out, the other resting on her nursing pillow, holding Olive firmly against her. It was a tricky maneuver, but she knew she could do it because she'd seen other nursing moms employing similar tricks out at parks and restaurants.

After both Rey and Olive had eaten to their satisfaction, they both wanted to sleep. So Olive went into her little bassinet, and Rey nestled into a den of blankets. Leia was right, she alternated between being ghastly sweaty and shivering cold, and right now her body tilted to the cold.

Ben dimmed the lights to a minimum and started to pull the couch out into his bed, but Rey lifted her head.

"You don't want to sleep up here? It's big enough."

Well, not _exactly_ big enough — this was only a queen, and Ben's enormous body needed at least a king to be fully accommodated, but certainly it was bigger than that little dinky pullout couch.

He paused, giving her a reluctant look. "You'd probably sleep better without me tossing and turning, and it's really important that you get _good_ sleep tonight, as much as you can."

"Yeah…" She knew there was wisdom in that, and that he might not want to sleep in a bed with someone who was shedding as much internal soup as she was at the moment. But still, she craved his closeness right now. "I won't make you sleep here if you don't want to, but can we just...cuddle for a little bit?"

His expression instantly softened, and he dropped the cushions in his hands at once, making his way over to her and onto the bed. She eased herself down, wincing a little, and he gathered her into his arms.

"Are you nervous?" she asked him softly, face nestled into his neck. "About tonight, I mean."

"Yes. I have no idea how it's going to go."

"Me neither." Right now Olive was quiet and fast asleep. They should probably follow suit immediately, to enjoy the silence while it lasted. But for as tired as she was, Rey wasn't _quite_ there yet.

"Are you okay?" she asked Ben after a few minutes of silence, a few minutes where only the slow steady cadence of his heartbeat soothed her.

It took too long for his reply to come, and when it did, it surprised her. "No."

She pulled back slightly, getting a good look at his face.

He chuckled, tugging her back in against him. "It's fine. Don't worry. I'm just...having a lot of irrational feelings and I'm trying to wrestle them back into control. My parents always said I was too emotional for my own good, and I guess I'm really feeling that right now. But you don't need to worry about me. You're way more important to this equation than I am."

She brushed her lips against the column of his throat. "Tell me what you're feeling."

"I told you, it's all irrational."

"It doesn't matter. Tell me anyway."

He sighed, and there was a little bit of a growl laced into that deep sound. "Just let me worry about _you_."

"Stop trying to be so noble all the time, Ben Solo, and let me in." She tapped on his chest. "Whatever you're feeling is okay. I'm feeling all kinds of crazy. I promise you don't have me beat. So just tell me."

"I'm really, _really_ happy," he said slowly. "You need to know that first. But it's a weird feeling too. It's a kind of happy so profound I'm not sure what to do with it. And it carries with it a level of terror I never expected either."

"Terror," she echoed.

He nodded against her head. "She's here now, and she's so tiny, and so vulnerable, and just like I was afraid of, I realize how inadequate I am. I'm gripped by this need to set fire to anything in this world that might make her suffer."

Rey exhaled, not quite a laugh — because she didn't want to laugh at him — but this idea, however familiar in sentiment to her own wild emotions, was ludicrous. "Ben, you can't become one of those snow plow parents who clears away anything hard that their kid might face. That's not good for teaching her how to confront challenges."

"I know," he croaked. "Like I said, irrational."

"You can't really grow without learning how to suffer."

"I just hate the idea of anything hurting her." His arms tightened again. "Or you. It's like suddenly I have so much to protect. I just want it all to be perfect for us."

"It won't be, Ben." She reached up above her to graze her fingers over his ear and down his neck. "Of course it won't be. Perfection doesn't exist. But we will be happy in all our messy imperfection."

He was quiet for a moment at that, until he shifted, rolling her slightly onto her back so he could press an urgent, fierce kiss to her surprised by willing mouth.

"I love you," he said hoarsely.

She smiled, stroked hair back from his face, and whispered softly, "I love you too."

It still felt exciting to say it, even after a strange surreal summer of testing out all the ways it could be said. It still made her heart glow with disbelief and pleasure.

* * *

Olive awoke twice in the night to eat, and both times Rey tried to choke back tired tears as Ben sat up with her and stroked her back and tried to comfort her. Both times when Olive finished, he took the baby in arms and wandered around the room, patting her and gently bouncing her until she burped. After the second time she woke, he called the night nurse and had them take her to the nursery for a little while, until the next feeding.

Rey was too tired to protest. Without Olive in the room making her little grunts and shudders and quiet sounds, Rey's brain finally shut all the way down and she slept like the dead until the next feeding a couple hours later when they brought her back. This time she experimented, lying on her side and letting Olive lay next to her. Whatever it was about this position changed the shape of Olive's latch and it didn't hurt, for once. Rey sighed gratefully and let herself doze. Ben, curled onto a quiet, watchful shape on the other side of the bed, this thumb stroking over the blanketed bean shape of Olive's back.

Around seven AM the nurse shift changed again, and her new nurse brought Rey some ibuprofen and tylenol. This woke the new parents up sufficiently so that they decided to start the day. Rey showered and washed her hair this time. Getting thoroughly clean was an almost orgasmic relief, and she exited the shower excited and refreshed. She applied a little makeup and brushed the tangles out of her hair and felt deliciously human again. Ben offered to braid her hair, and she accepted with a surge of strong affection.

The rest of the day was calm and sweet. Ben put the friends off another day, explaining that he'd rather wait for all their visits until they were out of the hospital. Rey didn't protest. She liked the quiet. In the meantime, Ben liked to have Olive in his arms whenever they weren't doing anything. While watching movies or sending text messages — Rey assumed to work clients — he made sure to keep the bundle of a baby tucked snugly into his body.

The lactation consultant stopped by and Rey explained how much pain she was having with nursing. The woman's name was Beatrice, and she had a soothing, calm disposition. She watched how mother and baby approached the task of feeding and gently showed Rey how to help Olive get a better latch.

"If you're placed far enough back in her mouth," Beatrice said, "You shouldn't feel any pain, and she'll get more productive draws. Feeding won't take so long, and you won't be so sore."

By now Rey was well conditioned to expect it to hurt, so she braced her shoulders and waited for that initial sting, but by rolling a more generous mouthful of breast into Olive's tiny searching mouth, she discovered Beatrice was right. It didn't hurt at all.

And then she teared up all over again out of pure relief.

Nursing got easier after that. She still had a learning curve, of course, and still fumbled around a little on her own trying to repeat the performance, but over the day she got better and better at it.

Han and Leia returned with more flowers and gifts in the afternoon, this time with Luke and Mara in tow. Rey felt good. Restored. She wanted to show off her baby. Wanted to feel that unmistakable sense of pride and affection when the four of them cooed and fawned over this beautiful little girl that _she_ made.

"She's got a lot of Ben in her," Luke decided. "Don't you think, Leia? Looks a little like him when he was a newborn."

"Not at all," said Leia. "Just the hair and ears. And when her eyes open, those too are Ben. But the rest I think is all Rey. Her little mouth and nose and the shape of her eyes."

"No," Luke protested. "I remember Ben looking a lot like this."

"You remember nothing, old man. Look. I'll prove it to you." Leia went to some of the things she brought and pulled out an album. "I grabbed this from the lake house the last time we were there. I knew we'd want to compare infants. So let's do it."

Rey laughed as everyone gathered around. They put Olive on the bed and the photo album next to her. Leia flipped to the right pages, past pictures of a young, dashingly handsome Han in full gear ready for an archeological dig. Past pictures of a beautiful young couple at their wedding. Past pictures of that same young couple traveling and having a grand time, and a steadily growing belly on Leia, until suddenly there was a newborn in the pictures.

Everyone leaned in.

"Ha!" cried Han triumphantly. "Team Solo with the point. Good job, Honey."

"I know my own son," Leia said, smug as a bedbug. "And this little lady is not him. Oh she's got enough of him, for sure, but she's much prettier."

The grainy, 80's-looking pictures of the newborn Ben showed a much uglier infant. He was all wrinkled and dour, looking like a grumpy old man. Rey had seen these pictures earlier in the summer and she knew how he got very cute very quickly, but these early photos made her laugh. Beyond his general squished-look, though, Leia was right. Their faces were kind of different. Olive's chin was a little more square, her mouth a little smaller, her eyes a little wider set.

Ben grinned. "Thank god for Rey, saving the poor thing with her superior genes."

"Too bad we don't have any pictures of you as a baby, kiddo," Han said, throwing Rey a wink. "Then we could really compare."

"Too bad," Rey agreed.

"Babies change so much in their first year," Mara reflected, flipping through more of the album, skimming through Ben's infancy. "Who knows what she'll look like by her first birthday."

"Alright, I concede," decided Luke. "She's certainly an improvement on the original model."

Leia patted Ben's cheek with a proud grin. "See now? That wasn't so hard, was it?"

"What wasn't so hard?"

"Getting me that grandbaby I've been asking you for. Just took you a few years to finally listen."

A subtle rise of color tinged Ben's cheeks, but before he could reply his mother turned away from him, making her way over to Rey instead. Rey had stood, choosing to sit in the rocking recliner instead of the bed for a change of posture, but Leia caught her on her way to it.

"Now, I don't want you to worry about _anything_ when you get home, alright? Artu is cooking like mad to stock your fridge and freezer full of meals so neither of you has to think about meals for a while. We'll set you up with grocery deliveries too, until you feel ready to get out of the house. I trust Ben can handle the laundry, but if he can't, I've got a same-day laundry service on standby. Luke's going to give Ben a full six weeks of paternity leave, aren't you?"

Luke gave his sister a hairy eyeball. "My employees are going to sue me for outrageous nepotism, but I'd rather not risk the wrath of my sister by refusing this not-so-subtle demand, so yes. Six weeks."

Rey laughed. "Will you survive without him?"

"Gwen has been assisting with his clients for a while in preparation so she can cover for him," said Luke. "Luckily she happens to _want_ to help Ben, though why she considers him a friend I cannot imagine."

"Me neither," Ben said dryly.

Rey giggled again. "I'm grateful, Luke. Thank you."

She hadn't really thought about Ben having to go back to work, but just the faint suggestion of it threatened to unspool her into an emotional tangle, so she was glad to postpone the inevitable until her hormones had stabilized a little more.

Luke's ash-dusted beard twitched with his little smile. "You're welcome."

Mara had Olive cuddled in her arms. She nudged Luke. "Come here, let's get Han to take our picture with this sweet angel. Rey, you'll let us babysit for you once in a while, won't you?"

Leia gave her a wink and moved out of the way so she didn't end up in the picture. Ben tugged Rey over to the recliner and gently pushed her down into it.

"Looks like we have a lot of potential babysitters," he said in a low, warm chuckle. "Maybe I'll get the chance to properly date you at last."

Rey grinned. "You mean the last few years don't count?"

"No, they don't."

"I suppose then we probably _should_ date before I marry you," she said, then darting a glance at Luke and Mara, tugged him down to her so she could whisper deviously, "again."

He laughed, spreading an arm over her to brace himself as he leaned closer and kissed her. In a swift movement he pulled the level on the other side and kicked her feet out from under her, pushing the back of the recliner down. "Be careful, little mama. Being irresistible is what got us into this mess in the first place."

"I'm not complaining."

His eyes lingered on her lips for half a second, his own spreading in a slows mile. "Neither am I."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Next up: Ben's secret


	26. Such Great Heights

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Home at last

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I apologize that it's been nearly a month since I updated. My goal is to finish, or nearly finish, these remaining chapters this coming week so you don't have to wait anymore. Thank you so much for the support. You guys are overwhelmingly sweet, and I love you.

**CHAPTER TWENTY SIX**

**such great heights**

* * *

When Ben was fifteen, his scout troop went backpacking in the high mountains for three days. The second day found them making camp at the highest spot in their journey when the clouds came rolling in. With very little shelter but a small cluster of boulders, the boys scrambled to take cover and not become french fries on the exposed peak. Ben hit the deck and rolled under a boulder just as a massive boom of sound exploded with light and extinguished all his senses.

He thought at first that he'd died. He saw nothing but darkness, heard nothing but ringing in his ears. Later he'd learned the lightning had struck about fifty yards away and the scouts had all suffered minor secondary electrocution from the radius along the ground.

At the time, Ben didn't know this. He only knew a vast void and the frantic pounding of his own, desperately alive heart.

The moment Olive cried, Ben felt that strike again.

It cracked him wide open, obliterating everything that came before, until there was only the vast void, the frantic pounding of his own, desperately inadequate heart, and the sound of her voice.

And he didn't know if or when his senses would ever return.

Those three days in the hospital were a strange, surreal fever dream. His whole mental closet, all his carefully re-organized boxes, had been blown to bits. He didn't have a mental mess left on his hands, just a wide yawning space where Rey and Olive and every swirling too-big feeling alone existed.

They learned to be okay with Olive in the nursery. He reminded himself that she was well-cared for there, because he saw how important it was for Rey to rest at night, and how much easier it was to do that when the nurses had her.

During the day, though, he liked to keep her close. His tiny, vulnerable little thing, with squishy cheeks and this delicate little chin puckered beneath solemn lips. She was miraculously beautiful. Ben had never seen anything that made him feel more terrified or more alive at the same time.

He didn't know how to be what she needed, but dammit, he'd try.

As afraid as he was, he couldn't help it when he looked into her tiny face and his heart melted into a puddle on the floor. How her itty bitty yawns made his stomach lurch with adoration, or how her little fingers curled into fists at her mouth made him marvel. Everything she did was enchanting, except when she cried, because that part was heartbreaking.

Ben had to actively remind himself to be chill and let her be in her bassinet sometimes. Whenever she wasn't with her mother, he wanted her tucked safely into his arm. It still felt strange and foreign to hold her, but less strange and less foreign when he held the burrito to his chest and she fell asleep against him. Even less stranger still when he held her with one hand in the crook of his arm like a football while he watched a movie on his tablet and Rey napped.

They told him sometimes it could take fathers a little longer to bond with their babies, because they didn't share the flood of hormones a new mother had, and they had no physical connection to the child until after birth.

Ben didn't feel that. His heart recognized this wee girl with every thunderous beat. He loved her, as surely as if he'd been anticipating her all his life.

It made his throat ache and his eyes sting sometimes when he looked into her face and thought about the strangely familiar depth of his feelings.

Yes, Olive was the lightning strike that set his world alight.

But he could bear the shock, because Rey was the anchor that kept him grounded. If being near his baby made him feel wildly out of depth and afraid and exhilarated, being near her mother made him feel safe, sane, capable. Even though he watched her go through one of the worst goddamn things he'd ever seen in his life (his father hadn't been exaggerating about the trauma permanently etched into his brain) she carried about her a deeply satisfied, pleased demeanor. It was calming to be around her. She exuded warmth in the soft sketch of her smile, the tenderness in her familiar hazel eyes. She seemed happy. Content.

And looking after her recovery was familiar enough ground that he found his footing.

Three years ago, Rey had contracted a pretty nasty case of influenza. Rose had gone off with Hux and Gwen to England to visit their parents, and Finn was swamped with projects for a new job. Ben told himself that's why she texted him to ask if he could bring some meds, instead of one of them. He told himself that he wasn't her first attempt, that Rose and Finn were her other two best friends. He had a girlfriend at the time, and he knew as soon as he got the text that it would cause issues. Kelsey was already pretty sensitive where Rey was concerned. Even though Ben didn't text or call her much while in a relationship, it couldn't be helped that when the group got together, people would invariably bring up stories about the two of them. Inside jokes. Things that hinted at more than a casual friend. In fact Kelsey once accused Ben of being a liar when she asked if he'd ever dated Rey before.

So when he got the text apologizing a hundred times and telling him she could ask Poe or Jess or someone else to pick up her meds from the pharmacy, Ben knew he couldn't tell Kelsey about wanting to go help her. Instead, he ended the relationship. It wasn't one of his proudest moments, but he didn't really care that much. He figured it was due to inescapable moral bankruptcy. He told her he felt like the relationship was a dead-end, and he was ready to move on. She called him a slew of hateful things and left in a huff. As soon as she was gone, Ben gathered up everything he thought he'd need to soothe a terrible flu, stopped by the pharmacy, and camped out in Rey's apartment contentedly nursing her back to health.

He didn't regret a thing about that experience. Even when Kelsey tried to launch a smear campaign against him with his own friends, with some moderate success with the likes of Tallie, Jessika, and Finn. Even when his own mother called to ask him why she'd gotten a call from an upset girl demanding she speak to her son about just abruptly ending relationships out of nowhere.

Ben told her that he wasn't interested anymore, which was true, but he did not tell his mother what had prompted his sudden decision to break up.

It had been worth it.

Caring for Rey now wasn't quite like tending to her flu. For one, she was a great deal more coherent and stubbornly determined to do things for herself. And for another, she had an army of nurses checking on her constantly and plying her with mild analgesics when she required them. But Ben recognized other signals that alerted him to unspoken needs. They were quieter than a stuffy noise or barking cough. Like when she rubbed her eyes a certain way, trying to scrub off the subtle tinge of melancholy in them. Or when she thought he wasn't looking and prodded at her soft, saggy belly. Or when she picked at her food but didn't wolf it down. These were waving flags, indicators that recovery meant more than just taking care of stitches and getting enough hydration.

He wasn't always sure how to help, but it gave him a sense of purpose to try anyway.

Sleep helped the melancholy, he'd learned. Cuddling on the big bed and kissing her silly could distract her from displeasure about her altered body. The food thing he still hadn't figured out. On the one hand, it too seemed to be tied to sleep — she ate better after getting a good nap — but on the other, it seemed to come and go in waves too. When she nursed, she was ravenous. She'd order a hospital meal with as many side dishes as they allowed. But sometimes, when she wasn't, she acted like food was too much a chore.

Still, on the whole, Ben was in awe of how well she seemed to be bouncing back after such a harrowing ordeal. Harrowing from his perspective, anyway.

Holdo seemed to agree too.

"I'm really happy with your physical recovery so far," she declared when she came for one final check-in on their last day. "The emotions will likely be rocky for a while, but you seem good."

"I am," Rey said with an encouraging grin. "I feel good most of the time."

"I have to say, you're both definitely some of my most relaxed new parents. You seem like you already know what you're doing."

Did they? That was good. Ben was definitely riding some edge between being okay and totally freaking out at any given moment, but if that wasn't translating in manic, nervous behavior, so much the better. Rey, though, yeah. He could definitely see that. That infectious calm she radiated. She made him feel like everything was going to be okay.

"Now," said Holdo, swiveling a little on her rolling stool beside the bed. "Let's talk what comes next. I want to see you at the office in two weeks, understand? We'll check your stitches and talk about your mental health and just generally make sure you're doing okay. And then I want to see you again at six weeks. You need to think of this time as the fourth trimester. The postpartum period is just as important as any other stage in the pregnancy, and your body's going to go through a lot of changes. Do you have support?"

"Yes," Rey said immediately. She glanced a Ben. "We've got a village."

Holdo smiled. "Good. Not that I had any doubts Leia will try to be as involved in your lives as possible."

Ben snorted. His mother had come by every day, though he hadn't yet let her today. He told her to wait until they were home.

"I'm grateful for her help," Rey laughed.

"Let's talk sex." Holdo glanced at Ben. "No sex for at least six weeks, got it? She needs time to heal."

"Understood," Ben said immediately. He'd literally watched Rey's body come apart before his very eyes. He wasn't about to do something as asinine as insist on _male needs._ However long she needed, he would wait.

Holdo put a hand up to her mouth and stage-whispered to Rey, "We tell that to fathers to keep them away. But listen to your body. I don't recommend it before three weeks, but any time you feel ready after that, just take it slow and trust your body to tell you what's okay."

Rey grinned. "Got it."

"And _be careful_ ," Holdo emphasized, eyes widening with significance. "It's a myth that breastfeeding is effective birth control. Even if you don't have a period until Olive weans, you can still get pregnant. You have no idea how many of my clients had a big oops the first time they had sex after birth. Irish twins are more common than you'd think. And they're hell on your body."

Rey blanched. "I didn't even think of that."

"Not many people do. Use protection. We'll discuss birth control more at your six-week appointment and see what you want to do. Most women wait for that visit before having sex again just to make sure they're protected and have the all-clear that they're healed up enough for it. But again, if you _feel_ ready, trust yourself."

She shot Ben a sharp look again before shifting over to take a quick glance at Olive sleeping in her bassinet.

"Has your pediatrician been by to see her yet?"

Rey nodded. "Doctor Kalonia was here about an hour ago. She said everything looks good."

Ben had experienced the craziest surge of pride when the doctor did a quick exam of Olive and pronounced her healthy and perfect. A silly feeling, he knew, but it gave him so much satisfaction to hear anyone praise his daughter like that. As if the baser evolutionary drive in him purred to know that _his_ offspring was strong.

"I'm happy to hear that," Holdo said with a smile. "Are you guys ready to go home?"

" _So_ ready," Rey laughed. "Not that they haven't done an excellent job with all of us here, but I'd love to be somewhere with better food and fewer interruptions."

Yeah. Ben wanted that too. Truthfully, he'd been ready to leave two days ago. He didn't like it when the nurses came in to check on Rey while she was asleep, disrupting her rest. He rankled every time they unwrapped Olive's cozy warm swaddle to get her vitals, and he didn't know if he wanted to rage or weep when they brought her back with bandages from where they'd broken her skin for immunizations — even though he and Rey had both agreed she would be follow the recommended immunization schedule. The worst had been that blood speckled little cotton swab they taped to the back of her heel after the PKU test.

Yeah, he was ready to take both Rey and Olive home, where nobody could poke or pester or disturb their peace.

He blinked as Holdo sat in a chair next to him and faced him expectantly, breaking him out of his thoughts. She was here for Rey, not him, so he wasn't sure what to do with himself as her sharp blue eyes took him in, scanning his face for something he couldn't guess at.

"How are _you_ doing, Ben?" she asked, her voice softer than it usually was when she addressed him.

"Uh...fine?"

Her eyes narrowed as a small, amused smile curled at the corner of her mouth. "I'm not asking conversationally. I mean it. How are you feeling?"

Except for Rey, no one had asked him that. Not once. It struck him like a blow, and his mouth opened helplessly, words failing.

Holdo's smile softened into something kind. "You're performing your role wonderfully, Ben. You're being superman, taking care of your baby and your wife. But remember yourself too, huh? New fathers go through hormonal changes too. When your baby is born, you have a dip in testosterone and a rise in estrogen. That doesn't mean you're less manly, okay? I trust you not to be the kind of macho brute who gets offended at biology, right?"

Ben shook his head.

"Good. We don't talk a lot about postpartum depression in dads, but it can happen to them too. Make sure you're getting sleep when you can. Eat well. Burn off excess energy through exercise. _Talk_ when it starts to get to be too much, okay? You're allowed to be human and feel things too."

He nodded, swallowing. So far this had all just been a wild and disorienting ride. He didn't know if he was starting to feel symptoms of depression and anxiety. Sure, he had moments of overwhelming panic, moments of inadequacy and fear, but he had moments of incredible joy too. Moments where the depth of his happiness stole his words and brought tears to his eyes. He didn't really know how to cope with any of that. But he'd heed her advice. He had plenty of ways to expend his energy, given what they were about to leave the hospital for.

Holdo patted his arm. "Luckily I know you have a network of people who love you. All three of you are going to be just fine. You have a carseat?"

"We do." In their mutual haste to leave after Rey's _leaking_ incident, they'd forgotten all about it. "I have a friend bringing it over now."

Rey piped up then, her brow puckering in a quizzical look. "I still don't understand how he's getting in without a key?"

"I gave him a key already."

"When?" She looked baffled.

"When you were napping yesterday." Technically that was a lie — Ben had given Hux his house key a couple days ago, on their walk down to the hospital cafeteria. But Rey didn't need to know anything about that yet. All in good time.

She sat in the middle of the bed, dressed in soft leggings and an old t-shirt of his she'd stolen a year and a half ago. It was baggy on her, but Ben liked the effect. He'd liked it ever since she found it in the back of his trunk, replacing her own after getting it grease-stained and riddled with holes from battery acid. She'd managed to do that by fixing a melted heater hose in his car in the middle of an unfamiliar city while Poe and Finn wandered around looking for a mechanic with time for an emergency repair. Ben walked with her down to an auto parts shop, and stood by watching while she repaired the piece herself, mystified at this strange side of her he'd never glimpsed before. When it was done, he texted Poe and Finn to come back, that the car was working again and they could go. Rey's shirt was ruined. She found his Queen shirt and made him stand in front of her as a shield while she traded the two out, using her old dirty one as a towel for her greasy hands.

The minute Ben saw her in it, he'd fallen in love all over again.

He felt that way now, regarding her perched there in the middle of that bed like she was still the same girl who dove into his car up to her elbows in grease, instead of the woman who he'd watched bring a new life into the world three days ago.

Holdo said some other things, words of parting, but Ben wasn't really listening anymore. He tingled with anticipation. He couldn't wait to get Rey home and discover what the rest of their lives held for them.

He briefly left her when Hux texted that he'd arrived. The hospital had a car seat safety technician on staff who met Ben at his car and helped him install the base and car seat correctly. Hux stuck around and watched curiously until Ben shooed him away and reminded him to get where he needed to be.

He took the car seat carrier back up to the room with him. Their belongings — which seemed to have multiplied since they arrived, with the various gifts his parents kept bringing — he loaded onto a cart. Rey decided to put Olive in real clothes for once.

The little half-shirt with the covered hands just wasn't a very nice going-home outfit.

Ben filmed the process, because even though he had never been one for pictures and videos before, apparently having Olive meant that he'd become _that_ person who wanted to document everything. He'd already snapped a couple hundred pictures of her in the three days she'd been alive. Olive by herself, with her mother, with her grandparents, even a few selfies with him.

Rey laughed, trying to feed Olive's noodley little arms through the armholes, her head and floppy neck through the head hole. Olive didn't fuss, sucking hard on a tiny green pacifier throughout the ordeal. She was _so_ small. The sunflower dress Poe and Finn had gotten her, the same that had frightened Ben by how tiny it was, practically drowned the baby girl in fabric. Her miniature body, all big head and long torso and gangly limbs, did not fill out the _newborn_ sized dress like the makers imagined she would. Ben chuckled appreciatively.

"And they really all believed we'd have a Sasquatch baby," Rey laughed.

Their final nurse, a girl named Charly, came in to do the final checkout procedure with them. She cut the ID tags off Rey, Ben, and Olive. She gave them a stack of papers with helpful information about breastfeeding, postpartum care, signs of PPD, newborn care, and immunization FAQ's. She told them a nurse would call in about a couple days to check in and see how things were going, and reminded Rey to make an appointment with her doctor. She heaped their little cart full of extra diapers and wipes for Olive, extra mesh undies, analgesic spray, and witch hazel pads for Rey, and brought a wheelchair for Rey to sit in.

Rey frowned at it. She was feeling good and had been walking around like it was no big deal since a few hours after they got into the maternity ward room. Ben didn't know how. He saw the stitches. He was pretty sure he wouldn't be able to walk for a month if someone put stitches into him down _there._ But with a steady flow of ibuprofen, she didn't seem that bothered by it.

"It's for liability," Charly explained. "We've had some moms get light headed and pass out on the way down to the car. You seem okay, but I'm gonna insist on it anyway."

Ben knew she had a hard time being unnecessarily coddled like that, but Rey sighed and resigned herself to the fate anyway. Before sitting, she handed Olive off to Ben. She was so small, he could almost span her whole body, from diapered bum to fuzzy crown, in one hand. Almost. He brought her up to him, grazing his lips against her velvet-soft forehead. She smelled divine. It was the strangest thing he'd ever experienced, and something nobody had warned him about. After they'd bathed her the first time and finally gotten the last remnants of her mother off her, she'd returned with the sweetest, most indefinable smell. It didn't smell like soap or baby wash, and it seemed to come from Olive herself, especially concentrated in her head.

Ben caught Rey sniffing her baby all the time. Like it was a drug she couldn't stop inhaling. It affected him too, though he imagined not quite in the same way. The scent of Olive's head did something to his brain. Thoughts quieted, affection surged, and the desire to cuddle her closer washed through him in balmy pleasant waves.

"Let's go home, mango," he whispered, lowering her into the carseat that, like the clothes, seemed _much_ too big for her itty bitty body. He carefully maneuvered her tiny limbs through the shoulder straps, vaguely terrified by how frail her bones felt under his fingers. Snapping her harness together, he quickly grabbed her olive leaf blanket and stuffed it in around her tight, so she'd feel like she was swaddled. She sucked furiously on her pacifier, eyes peeping open to give him what he imagined was a tiny glare.

He laughed. "She looks like she's ready to go to the moon."

"Ready for launch, Houston," Rey giggled.

Ben picked up her carrier, hooking into the crook of one elbow, light as a feather. With his free hand he positioned himself behind the cart of their belongings. Charly pushed Rey ahead of her and out into the hall. He followed.

They got out to the front where Ben had the car waiting. Charly snapped a picture of the three of them before Rey got up out of the wheelchair. Ben opened the door for her and then gently set Olive's seat on her base, satisfied with the little click that told him she was secure. He quickly loaded their things into the trunk and thanked Charly for everything.

And then, at long last, they were headed home.

* * *

Ben Solo had never driven so carefully in his life.

He felt like he had an open glasses of champagne precariously balanced in the trunk of his car. He despised every other car on the road, distrusting every other driver to behave and not threaten the precious cargo he now had in his back seat. Her presence here loomed bright in his mind, and Ben was acutely aware of just how dangerous it was out here in a way he'd never realized before.

Rey laughed. "You're driving like a granny, Ben."

"We're all gonna get there in one piece, okay?"

"Yeah but you're so focused on driving safely that you missed the turn."

"Uh. Oops."

But Ben didn't course correct. He continued on down the street, stopping at lights carefully, accelerating slowly. Ten minutes later Rey gave him a side-eye that he could _feel_.

"Sooo you're just not gonna backtrack home or...?"

"Right, right, I forgot."

Still, he didn't turn. Not until another couple miles down the road, where he made a left turn instead of a right and got further away from where they were supposed to be going. Or rather, where Rey thought they were supposed to be going. Soon she sat up a little straighter in her seat, looking around like a meerkat on alert. Ben concealed a private little smile and kept going, a delicious wave of anticipation rolling through him.

"Are we not going home?" she asked uncertainly.

"We are," he assured her.

She shifted a bit in her chair, and he wasn't sure if her discomfort was more physical or psychological. She turned and glanced back at the carseat behind her, and then at Ben.

"You're up to something," she decided.

He chuckled. "I'm not. We're going home. That's it."

"But this isn't the way home."

"It is."

They turned into a leafy green neighborhood, big mature trees, cozy old houses. He'd brought her here once before, to show her the house in those agonizingly long days she went beyond her due date. She recognized it now.

"Wait, we're going to the new house?" Understanding dawned in Rey's voice now. "Oh, is this about the closing? Are we closing right now? I thought we did that at the mortgage place. We do it at the house?"

Her questions came rapid-fire, and Ben grinned like a fool. "The sellers were incredibly understanding when they learned about our circumstances. I thought I'd push my luck a little more and see if we could close at the house. Doesn't that seem more fitting?"

"Yeah, it does." She sounded pleased. "So we'll close and show Olive around her future home, and then go back to your condo?"

"You're worried about feeding her," he guessed, translating the hint of anxiety in her voice.

"I haven't mastered it well enough to do it around other people yet." She sounded embarrassed by this admission. Like she should be a breastfeeding pro three days after doing it for the first time. Ben had no idea what any of that was like, but seeing how her nipples had bled that first day, seeing how she cried when Olive latched before the lactation consultant gave her some blessed advice, it all convinced him that women were vastly superior beings, biologically and constitutionally speaking. If men had to breastfeed, the human race would never have survived past the first generation.

"My primary goal for you today is rest and privacy," he assured her. "As much of both as you want."

The car glided to a stop in front of the sweet yellow house. There was a detached garage off to the side, but the curb suited better for right now. He killed the engine and the two of them looked out her window at their picturesque little house. Ben's triumphant find, his holy grail. Someone had tied a cluster of pink balloons to one of the deck posts, and a little line of presents marched along the edge of the deck.

"What are those?" Rey asked, eyes wide.

"Dunno," he said honestly.

He got out and hurried around to her side, giving her a hand as she eased herself out of the car. She moved a little gingerly at first, but once she was out and standing she seemed alright. He got Olive's carrier out. The little bean was fast asleep, pacifier slack against the edge of her blanket.

Ben took Rey's hand and she pushed open the little gate. The three of them walked up to the house — their house. The place where they'd raise their family.

When they stepped up onto the porch, Rey leaned over and plucked up a card sitting on top of the nearest gift bag. She flipped it open and read aloud, "Welcome to the neighborhood. Congratulations on your little one. Hope these gifts help you settle in." She laughed. "It's signed _all the neighbors._ "

"Wow. I don't think my neighbors at the condo have ever said one word to me."

"I definitely never got a gift from any of mine at my old apartment," she agreed. "What kind of place are we moving to?"

"Somewhere too good to be real, apparently," he chuckled. "It's either all a front for a horror plot, or someone will say 'cut' and we'll find out we're cast members in the Truman Show."

She gasped dramatically. "Ben, maybe we are the _subjects_ of the Truman Show!"

"Do you think Olive is a planned plot twist, then? Or did we throw a wrench in their script?"

"Maybe they sabotaged my birth control to force the story forward." Rey laughed, peering at their sleeping daughter. "But then again, she's too chill for a newborn. Maybe she's an infant actor. Is she really ours, do you think?"

"Uh, yes." He tried the door and found it unlocked, pushing it open. "I saw her come directly out of you. That was _very_ real."

They walked in to the sunlit living room, lovely late morning light softly diffusing over an artful arrangement of their own belongings. His couch, her coffee table, his bookshelves, their books. Someone had brought in a pleasant array of potted plants, tastefully placed here and there throughout the room. One of the infant swings they'd gotten at the baby shower was tucked into a corner, right over a soft green rug.

Rey's gasp this time wasn't dramatic. It was soft and understated, and infinitely more meaningful.

"Welcome home, Rey," he said gently.

She turned to him with wide eyes. "Why are our things already here?"

"I gave Hux my key and told Poe to organize the move. I didn't think they'd actually put everything together and away for us." His attention wandered from her, over the magazine-worthy look of the room. He chuckled. "They did an amazingly good job. I wonder who's the closeted interior decorator among them."

"You...you mean this is...it? We're here now?"

"We're here." Her bottom lip trembled and Ben's stomach lurched. He set Olive's carrier down and reached for Rey. "Oh no. Was I wrong? I'm sorry. I thought it would make it easier on you if we weren't trying to move in the midst of your recovery."

But he barely managed to get the words out before she was on him, winding her arms around his neck, pulling her body in against his as she leaned up on the very tips of her toes and kissed him like she'd never get the chance again.

Ben's head spun as he wrapped his arms around her, lifting her completely. Still she kissed him, refusing to let him go, and joy effervescent shot from her and into him, bubbling right down into his toes until he was laughing too much for her kisses to keep up. He spun her around once before setting her down again, sweeping her hair back from her glistening hazel eyes.

"Damn you, Ben," she half-laughed, half-sobbed, burying her face into his chest. "If I could, I'd tear your clothes off right here and show you _exactly_ how much I love you."

"Unnecessary." Warmth and light and life glowed brightly beneath his ribs. "I'm just glad you aren't upset that I let them do all this without us."

"Upset? I was _dreading_ this. Figuring out how to blend our things. Our lives. I was dreading having to make decisions or box things up when all I want to do is sit around and cuddle my baby."

"Now you can. You don't need to worry about anything."

She wiped at her eyes and peered over towards the kitchen. "Our friends aren't waiting around the corner to pop out and scream 'surprise', right?"

He laughed. "No. I told them we'd have a little barbecue tonight so they could meet Olive — _if_ you're up for it. If not, we'll postpone until you want it."

"No, they can come," she said quickly. "I want to see them. To thank them."

"Then in the meantime, you should try to take a nap."

"I will. After we see the rest of the house," she said eagerly. "And what about the closing?"

"She'll be by this evening too. The rep from the lending company. We are going to just do it here." When she stepped away, he crouched to untuck and unbuckle Olive. She gave a little squeak of protest, eyes fluttering open. With one hand, he laid her blanket out on the couch cushion and put her on it, swaddling her up quickly and efficiently. She yawned, her little mouth stretching into a perfect O, so big her eyes squeezed tightly shut. He brought her up to his chest when she was properly burrito'd again, holding her to him easily with one hand while he took Rey's in his other.

"Shall we?"

She smiled at him, and them both, and nodded, tugging him off towards the kitchen.

Three days shouldn't have been enough time to properly move anywhere, but somehow, the troop of friends had done it. The cupboards were full of neatly stacked dishes and appliances, tidy rows of utensils and bakeware, a neatly arranged pantry with cooking basics. The fridge was packed with fresh fruit and vegetables, yogurts and cheese and hummus and every other snack a hungry nursing mother might want. The freezer was full of packages labeled with handwriting Ben recognized as Artu's messy scrawl, informing them of the dinner contents and reheating instructions.

One of the bedrooms had been set up as a nursery, with the crib, changing table, and most of the baby shower gifts arranged in a practical, functional way. All of Olive's tiny little clothes had either been hung on tiny little hangers or folded neatly and put into the dresser drawers. Ben thought there were a _lot_ more of them now than there were before. They'd put plants in here too, and someone had painted a pretty canvas of an olive branch and leaf which they'd framed and hung above her crib. There was a plush rocking chair in here too that Ben didn't recall getting at the shower.

Their room was a bigger shock, because his giant bed had been made up with sheets, pillows, and a duvet he did not recognize. One side of the bed had a co-sleeper attachment already installed. There was another swing tucked off into the corner. Their closet was divided and organized between their clothes, and their bathroom stocked with things they did not have before, like a tube of brightly colored bath bombs and an assortment of self-pampering products.

Rey laughed. "Were they imagining Martha Stewart was going to walk through here and give them a grade?"

"They really went overboard," he agreed, even though he was almost beside him with gratitude. It looked like they wouldn't have to do a thing here. They could just come in and start living.

"I think they really love us," she whispered after a minute, sitting down on the edge of the bed.

"Yeah. I think they do."

Her eyes welled up with tears again. "I really love them too."

Ben smiled, put Olive into her arms, and kissed her forehead. "You can tell them tonight. In the meantime, why don't you two get comfortable and I'll get the things out of the car, okay?"

Rey sniffed, nodded, and kicked off her shoes, scooching further up on the bed to recline against the pillows. Olive was noisily trying to suck on her own fist.

"I'll bring the nursing pillow first," he assessed.

He brought it back a moment later, that bulky-firm c-shaped pillow which Rey liked because it made nursing more comfortable. She could support her arms and Olive's bum on it and rest more easily than trying to keep the baby held up the whole time she nursed. The two of them had already begun by the time he brought it, so he tucked it in around her and helped her get cozy.

She no longer looked like a nervous patient in a hospital, but like some kind of fertility goddess on her dais, baby attached to her breast, eyes soft, smile softer. Ben knew immediately that being home would be infinitely better.

* * *

The friends came that evening around six. His parents too. They arrived first with piles of food for everyone to enjoy, including stakes to grill. Han set himself up as the grillmaster after placing a doting kiss on Olive's fuzzy head. Leia breezed around with her granddaughter in arms, happily praising the house or the baby. She'd come to help with the move, of course, though Ben couldn't really get out of her how much of the new items she'd contributed. She said it didn't matter.

Rey had napped for a long time after nursing Olive when they got home. When Olive woke before her mother, Ben had whisked her promptly away so Rey could keep sleeping. He'd pulled off his shirt and Olive's dress and let her snooze on his chest while he coordinated with the lending agent over text. He wanted his daughter to have all the benefits of that mysterious skin-to-skin bonding everyone was always going on about.

Both were dressed now, of course. When she started to get fussy, he'd changed her and put their clothes back on and then strapped her to his chest with one of those complicated wraps. He'd had to watch the YouTube video of someone using it three times before he figured it out. But after that it was very easy, doing things around the house with a heavenly-smelling newborn snugly fitted against him.

He probably wouldn't get the chance to hold her again until everyone was gone, he thought ruefully. His mother had her now. Rey was happy and laughing by Han at the grill. The others would arrive and he could imagine the awful hot-potato passing of his daughter among them until everyone was satisfied. Nope, he didn't like that at all.

He went and found one of the bassinets they'd been given and brought it out to the back.

"Mom," he called.

Leia came immediately, her smile 100-watts bright. "Look, Olive, it's Papa."

"I don't want everyone holding her tonight," he admitted. "That's too much for her. Or maybe it's too much for me."

Leia laughed. "I think that's natural, honey. Of course. She's three days old."

"Right. So maybe we should put her in here when they come. That way they can see her, but they don't have to hold her."

"You might have to police it a bit. Babies can be irresistible." As if to prove her point, she lifted Olive to her face and inhaled deeply, eyes fluttering.

Ben grinned despite himself. "I'll have no problem telling them to back off."

He didn't.

Not that many of them tried actually picking Olive up. Mostly they just cooed over her and made silly smiles and talked about her crazy amount of hair, or her ears, or her solemn little mouth.

Poe went nuts over her. He gave Ben an enormous bear hug and crowed about how his buddy made the world's most beautiful kid. He kept expressing his astonishment over and over that something so perfect could come from Ben's ugly mug.

"Of course it was all you, wasn't it?" he laughed, giving Rey a hug after Finn had taken his turn. "You're the reason that baby is an absolute angel."

"I mean, I did do all the work," Rey said with a grin.

"Of course you did." He slung his arm around Finn's shoulders. "What do you think, love, can we have one? I'll pay for the surrogate. Or we can adopt. Let's have a baby. Can we?"

Finn pushed his arm off, looking caught between embarrassed and amused. "Slow down there, champ. I'm not there yet."

"God, but she's so perfect. I just want to squeeze her!"

"Don't," said Ben.

Poe laughed. "Calm down, I won't really. But you don't feel that? When something's so cute you just gotta...bite something?"

"No."

Rose, Hux, Gwen, and Zorri arrived shortly after Jess, Tallie, Kaydel, and Jannah. Ben was surprised to see his secretary among them, but apparently she'd become a regular at he group hangouts since the shower. He didn't know this, because he and Rey had not been to as many in the last couple weeks.

"Newborns are so weird," Tallie decided. "Like she's definitely cute, but I'm lowkey afraid of her."

"I think she's gorgeous," Jannah cooed. "I want to hold her."

"Not tonight," said Ben, hovering close by the bassinet. "Come by when everyone's not around, and you can."

Kaydel grinned. "Okay, this is a good excuse to have six weeks off. She's amazing."

"Is everything okay at work?" It had only been three days, but Ben felt like it had been a lifetime. He was pretty sure his life had become instantly divided the moment that first cry cut through his heart. There was the life he had Before Olive, and now there was After Olive. And between the two existed an infinity of time.

"Oh, it's all fine." She gave him a smirk. "In fact, Gwen's handling everything so well, you might not have a job when you come back."

"Really?"

"No." Kaydel laughed. "I mean, Gwen _is_ brilliant, but let's be real, that place and that man are nothing without you. Your job is extremely secure. Especially since you gave Luke a...what is it? A great-niece? He's been going around showing everyone her pictures every day, even when we've already seen them."

Rose, Rey, and Finn were happily engaged in conversation with Leia on the lawn furniture someone had put out there, and Poe had gone off to help Han with the stakes. Jess was talking to Paige and Finch Dallow, who had just arrived. Everyone milled around, happy and congratulatory. Ben had always held a soft of exasperated affection for their messy group of friends. Tonight, though, he felt a lot more than that. Maybe it was the way his heart had turned to mush the minute Olive grasped his finger in her tiny hand, or maybe it was because they'd all rallied around to help him and Rey without even a second thought, but tonight he agreed with his secret wife. Tonight he _loved_ them.

He tried to find out who decorated. No one would point to one person. Gwen said it was a group effort. Ben suspected she had more to do with it than she let on, but he didn't really have any evidence to support that hunch. When it seemed like everyone else was distracted, he did let Gwen alone hold Olive. Because she asked very quietly and gently, like she knew it was hard for him, and because he knew instinctively that he owed her a great deal more than the others.

She'd never struck him as the maternal type. Never. But seeing her go soft and silly when she had Olive in the crook of her arm made him reassess that position. She looked happy.

When Olive fussed, Rey whisked her away for a little private feeding. When she came back, everyone ate and laughed and basked beneath an October sunset, the scent of autumn heavy in the air. It was peaceful and perfect.

Finn called her peanut. Hux called her Liv. Her grandmother snuggled her, her grandfather cried when she splayed her tiny hand out against his and yawned, and everyone, _everyone_ decided she was the cutest baby they'd ever seen. Ben watched this noisy mob rally around his small daughter and felt satisfied.

She had a tribe.

She would always be loved.

Rey slipped in beside him, cuddling into him for warmth in the evening chill. He could tell she was tired.

"I'm going to take Olive inside. It's getting too cold for her and I'm hurting a little bit anyway."

"I'll get them to leave," he said softly.

"No, don't. Let them stay as long as they want. I don't mind. They've done so much for us. We can let them have a little fun while they're here." She leaned up and kissed his cheek.

Ben watched her go with a hungry throb in his heart. Not for her body. He was still strangely subdued on that front. But for _her_. He'd been in love with her for so long, but this new depth to his feelings was terrifying. He didn't know if it was because of Olive, because she'd made a father of him, or if it was because she was his, and this was their new life together, or maybe it just had something to do _her_ , just the was she was now. He didn't know. But it caught the breath from his lungs and made him want to run after her, to sweep her into his arms and hold her until she fell asleep.

"Hey, pal," Poe said quietly, strolling up beside him. "You'll marry her soon, okay? Baby's here now. On to the next step, right?"

The next step wasn't their sham ceremony in six months. The next step was the part that always came at the end of fairy tales. The _happily ever after_. He couldn't wait to see how that part worked.

"Thanks for all this, Poe." Ben motioned at the house. "I owe all of you big time."

"We were happy to do it for you, buddy. You're really living the dream now, aren't you?"

"Yeah." He smiled and nodded. "Yeah, I am."

"What's it feel like? Having a kid?"

Ben thought for a moment. He glanced at Poe. "It's like being hit by lightning."


	27. A Thousand Ways To Say I Love You

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Adjusting to life at home and all the emotional hurricanes.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Another disclaimer: my opinions about breastfeeding are not manifested by the things that happen in this chapter. Every new mom has to do what's best for them. My official opinion is that fed is best. Whatever your struggle, just know that you're not alone.

**CHAPTER TWENTY-SEVEN**

**a thousand ways to say i love you**

* * *

The new parents existed at the very edge of the human experience, past every known emotion, every previously discovered way of living. Emotions skewed through them all fractured and strange, deeper and sharper, but soft on the edges, glossy like vaseline. It was a kind of liminal space, suspended on the threshold, held on the boundary between Before and After.

They were learning. About themselves, about each other, about this new family they'd made from nothing. The normal rhythm of life was abandoned, overturned in favor of a peculiar, unpredictable pattern of waking and sleeping. Night and day bled into each other, with only the steady, reassuring cycle of dawn and dusk to keep them tethered to the world outside their little home.

The nights, perhaps, were the strangest time of all.

In the first place, for the young, new mother, every time she closed her eyes for what she knew would be too short a slumber, her mind would replay for her over and over again the experience of bringing Olive into the world. In bright, vivid memories, she would relive it on repeat. Overwhelming, intense, messy and glorious. Maybe it was lingering trauma. Maybe it was hunger to sip at that transcendent moment of empowerment again. She didn't know why it happened, but it always happened, every night for that first month.

And in the second place, and perhaps more importantly, Olive became a clockwork baby in the night. Every three hours, down to the very minute, she'd start grunting and squirming. These were her polite signals that her tiny belly was empty and she needed her mother's arms and her mother's breast. She didn't cry right away. It took a great deal of procrastination on the part of the new parents to get her aggravated enough to actually cry. Mostly she made these funny little noises that, however subtle, never failed to rouse Rey out of the deepest sleep.

She'd sit up, pull her squirmy bean of a daughter out of the co-sleeper, and begin the perplexing, exhausting, but sometimes-sweet ritual of the nocturnal feeding. By the mellow diffuse light of her lamp, she'd join that small company of souls awake in the sideways hour of the night.

It wasn't easy.

Every time she was dragged out of sleep by those grunty little sounds, she'd muffle a little groan into her pillow and despair a little that she'd ever know a full night's sleep again. Her life had been so simple before. She'd never appreciated the luxury of uninterrupted slumber, peaceful and oblivious. She'd didn't know how incredible it was until it was gone. And it baffled her that she'd _willingly_ signed up for this. That ten months ago, walking home from that Thai restaurant with confusion tumbling around inside her, she'd blurted a hasty answer into existence, forevermore sentencing her to this cruel punishment of waking in the middle of a full sleep cycle again, and again, and again. Oh, the despair and longing for sleep was _real._ Being ruled by a tiny mouth was harder than she ever imagined, and sometimes it reduced her to quiet, private tears as she helped those little lips latch.

Yeah, the waking up part was torture. But shortly after, with her small, sweet-smelling baby nestled safe in her arms, things got more tender. The regret would soften into something almost peaceful. Olive's little eyes sometimes fluttered open to stare up at her. Sometimes her little fingers would splay over the pale swell of Rey's breast, so tiny in their span but so huge in the affection they could induce. There was despair in the waking, and love in the doing.

Even tired and longing for sleep, Rey loved her little daughter. Fiercely. It was an emotion bigger than anything she'd ever experienced, deeper than bone, deeper than spirit. It ran through ancient channels and stirred up primal waters, a love as old as the universe itself.

She did not regret her answer that day walking back to her apartment. Loving Olive was the easiest, the hardest, the most beautiful and the most devastating thing she'd ever known.

And there was a certain charm in these night time episodes too, difficult as they were. And that charm was entirely due to Ben. Every single time Olive stirred and Rey reached for her, Ben would stir too. He'd sit up, scrub his eyes, and grab both the laptop and the bowl of trail mix he'd started keeping beside the bed.

In those wee witchy hours while most of the city slept, Rey and Ben would sit slumped together watching an episode of the original series of Star Trek, Olive quietly getting her fill. Rey satisfied the ghastly hunger pangs that nursing induced by munching the trail mix. The episodes were quiet and mellow and wonderfully cheesy. It was easy, soothing entertainment while they both skirted the edge between consciousness and alpha wave sleep.

"You don't have to wake up with me," she'd tried to protest on the second night he did this. She was the one with aching breasts and an infant stomach to satisfy. He wasn't obligated to sacrifice his sleep like she was.

"I know," he said softly, selecting the next episode. "But I don't want you to feel lonely."

She didn't question him again after that. It made her weak with gratitude that all this mess had led her to _him,_ instead of anyone else. She loved his companionship in those odd weary hours, and when Olive would finish, she loved that Ben would take over. He'd get up and walk around, gently patting until the tiny girl burped up all the little air bubbles she'd greedily inhaled. He'd change her diaper, swaddle her back up, and then hand her back to Rey who would place her into the co-sleeper again. And soon enough, all three of them would be crashing back into the next short period of sleep.

Even though the new schedule was so hard, Rey surged with increased love every day. Going through it together made her feel as if she and Ben were fellow adventurers fighting their way side-by-side, helping each other, through a long dark mine.

When he started work again, she'd have to insist he keep sleeping. He wouldn't be able to nap during the day like they did now. He'd require the rest to be sharp at his job. But for now, she savored the company.

Mostly their days were quiet and enchanted. Han and Leia came by frequently for their doses of baby snuggles. The new parents sometimes took advantage of this by catching extra rest, or going to run an errand together to escape the limbo of their house. Rey liked going grocery shopping with Ben while Leia stayed with Olive. She felt a thrilling, exhilarating little burst of freedom in those runs.

Though it was a freedom tinged with anxiety. Because at least for the first month, it was utterly and completely unnatural for her to be away from her daughter. She felt the absence like a constant tug in her chest, urging her to go back, to be sure that Olive never missed her.

When Han and Leia weren't around, sometimes their friends came by, usually in pairs. And when they were alone, Rey napped as much as she could. Her bleeding was abating day by day, her energy slowly, so slowly, returning. When she needed to rest while Olive was awake, Ben would tuck the baby into the wrap, snug as a bean against his chest, and work around the house.

He loved doing that. She could tell by the contented look in his eye, the subtle pride carried in his shoulders. And also she knew because sometimes she caught him talking to Olive, or singing to her, while he washed dishes or did laundry.

One time she woke to find him re-arranging the book shelf, explaining to Olive the lyrics of Days Are Numbers by The Alan Parsons Project. Olive was awake, blinking up at him with that concentrated little pucker between her brows and that solemn turn of her lips.

Rey slept best when Ben had the baby. Her brain could finally turn off, not worried if she was safe, not listening to sounds of hunger to wake her. Everything was alright.

But everything was not glossy sunshine and sweet domestic love.

Sometimes there were bad days. Sometimes there were emotions she couldn't control, waves of despair that would make her cry in the shower for reasons she didn't understand at all.

And sometimes she'd get a piece of news that made her feel like shit. Like when she took Olive in for her two week checkup, and Doctor Kalonia expressed her concerns that Olive wasn't getting enough to eat. It was normal, she said, for babies to fall under their birth weight in the first two weeks, but she was pretty concerned with just how far Olive had fallen. She advised the new parents that they may want to consider supplementing with formula, and gave them a recommendation for another lactation consultant.

Rey wept hard in the car after that appointment.

Ben tried to be reassuring. He told her it was fine, it would be okay. He told her Olive was okay. He told her it was no big deal if they had to use formula. And she _knew_ it was all true, but she couldn't make her heart believe it. Because what all that news translated to inside her was that she was inadequate. She wasn't enough for Olive. She couldn't give her baby enough to keep her alive. To help her thrive.

"She's a big eater," Ben tried to soothe. "It's not your fault."

But Rey's body had made that big eater. She should be able to keep up with the demand. Shouldn't she?

When Leia came over later that day, she confided in her. Leia gave her a hug and told her it would be alright, that she'd had to supplement with Ben too because he also demanded more than she could give. She tried to reassure Rey that it wasn't a measure of motherhood, the ability to breastfeed, and that Olive would love her regardless of her production.

Rey believed her. Mostly. It was easy to accept the reassurance logically — of course it would be fine — formula babies grew up healthy and happy the same as breastfed babies. Ben read her the research that shows no difference between breastfed and formula-fed children after about four years old. She knew all this, and in her good moments, she accepted her fate. But in the night, watching Olive drain her and knowing it wasn't enough, she grieved.

The lactation consultant was friendly. She watched Olive nurse and confirmed a good latch. She decided it wasn't a problem with the mechanics, just a supply issue. She talked to Rey about her dietary habits and encouraged her to start taking Fenugreek supplements. She told her to stay well-hydrated and gave her a list of good foods to eat. She encouraged more frequent feedings and pumping between feedings. She told them that sometimes partners could be beneficial too, if they were willing.

Ben was willing.

She knew it scared him a little, how tender this topic was for her. He wanted to make it better, whatever he had to do. He bought all the recommended groceries and all the supplements. He brought her Mother's Milk tea, fenugreek pills, lactation cookies, the works. He went by a medical supply store and got a breast pump, paid for by his excellent insurance.

She took so much fenugreek that she started to smell like a maple syrup factory. Ben thought it was funny. He'd bury his head into her hair and mumble something about craving waffles. That part wasn't so bad. She didn't mind it. But she did mind the pumping.

Pumping was _the worst_. Rey hated it. She'd feed Olive, pass her off, and then strap on the pump for the most dehumanizing experience in the world. It didn't have any of the sweet, soft tenderness of holding Olive and stroking her little round cheek or gazing into her deep brown eyes. No. It felt like she was a fucking cow, not a person but just a body, hooked up to a machine to extract the necessary fluids from her. She found a tip online about using hair elastics to loop the flanges to her bra straps so she could do it hands free, eating or reading or snuggling her baby, but all the while the whir of the machine, the rhythmic suction, the drip after slow drip reminded her that she was a commodity to be resourced, and really, nothing more. She hated every aspect of pumping.

But she liked what came after.

Because about an hour after she'd be done with the pump, so long as Olive was asleep, Ben would help her. And that was maybe the best part of all. He'd sit with her on the bed or the couch and gently massage her with slow, sensuous touches that coaxed all the stress from her shoulders and spine. He'd blow on her sensitive, overworked nipples. He'd smile and kiss her and kiss her breasts, murmuring soft praises of the miracle of her live-giving body and her determined, enduring soul. He'd softly squeeze and fondle until she felt the milk let down, and then he'd suck. His mouth was bigger and kinder than Olive's, drawing everything out of her in long, pleasurable waves that made her sigh his name and grind against his shin.

He took every last drop from her, emptying her more completely than Olive or the pump could do. Sometimes he touched her below too, messy as it was, careful and exploratory and never venturing inside, just enough stimulation to give her a small release.

Sometimes she offered to help him in return, but he always demurred and distracted her from reciprocating.

Their tactics worked, though, and little by little, she began to produce more. Eventually she could produce enough to satisfy Olive and fill a bottle to be kept in the fridge for later. At her one-month check, Olive was back on track and perfectly healthy.

And Rey could breathe again.

It was around the one-month mark too that something strange happened.

The first time it did, Rey woke in a panic. Her breasts hurt, far too full for how they should be, and she knew it had been a _long_ time since the last feeding. She checked the time, 6am, and saw that they'd been sleeping, uninterrupted, since midnight. Heart in her throat, she put a hand on Olive's swaddle and practically burst into relieved tears to feel the steady breath rising and falling beneath her palm.

Olive was fine, just deep asleep.

And after that, she began sleeping in big six or eight hour stints.

"It's weird," said Leia when Ben told her about it. "That's not normal baby behavior. She's spoiling you. If you ever have another, a more normal baby, it'll be a rude reality check."

"Should I be waking her to eat?" Rey asked worriedly. They'd finally just established a good routine, and a good supply. Would this mess everything up?

Leia shook her head. "She's healthy, hun, and she won't sleep herself into starvation. Let her rest. It's hard work growing up! She'll tell you when she's hungry."

So that's what they did. They let her sleep.

* * *

"Are you gonna forget us, now that you're a mom and you and Ben have your perfect life?" Jess sighed.

Tally led them into a dolphin pose. They were in the sun-dappled warmth of Rey's backyard, a chilly November breeze teasing over the collection of four women — Jessika, Tallie, Rey, and Jannah. They had mats spread out in a little circle over the grass. In the center of the circle, Olive lay swaddled on a blanket, squinting up at the too-bright cerulean sky.

"What are you talking about?" Rey asked, stifling a groan of relief as her back stretched.

She'd asked Tallie to do some yoga with her to try and heal the constant backaches she had — normal, Holdo assured her. Labor used more muscles than Rey had realized, and she was wrecked. She hoped the yoga would help her strengthen them again.

She didn't know if it was working yet, but at least it felt orgasmically good to stretch.

"You never come hang out with us anymore," said Jess. "Poe had to _beg_ you to come to the Monster Mash. You used to love coming to that and you didn't even want to come this year."

" _Ben_ didn't want to come," Rey corrected. "But he's never wanted to. He hates that party."

Jannah, on Rey's other side, snickered softly. "Mister I-dress-in-black-so-I-can-just-tell-people-I'm-a-shadow."

They laughed. It was true. For as long as they'd all known him, it was universally acknowledged that Ben hated Poe's annual Halloween party. Dressing up made him feel embarrassed. Seeing everyone else dressed up made him feel second-hand embarrassment too. So he always wore the same boring black t-shirt and black jeans and gave some boring answer when people tried to ask him what he was.

Not like Rey. She _lived_ for Halloween. She loved the excuse to dress in something spooky and outlandish, especially if she knew it would make Ben blush red-hot with embarrassment. Or, with the knowledge she had now about how long he'd harbored feelings for her, maybe it was sometimes arousal too. A few of her costumes had definitely skirted the line of too-revealing over the years.

Tallie moved them into an extended triangle. "Give her a break, Jess, she'd _just_ given birth. Nobody wants to go to a stupid halloween party a week after having a baby."

Yeah, that part was true enough. Even though Rey loved that silly, over-the-top party, she felt tired thinking about it. They weren't getting good sleep, her body was still an aching, bleeding wreck, and Ben was completely and utterly opposed to taking their vulnerable new daughter out into that chaotic scene.

But she also couldn't resist their first opportunity to have a family costume. So she persuaded him, with much flirting and one completely unfair reminder that she'd never had a family costume in her life, that they could show up for just an hour.

Poor Ben. Heckled into a costume. It wasn't much of a costume anyway. He'd worn a green shirt, calling himself a beanstalk. He wrapped Olive around him in a green wrap, and let Rey put her in a little green dress and a green hat. He was the beanstalk, Olive the bean, and Rey went as a genderbent Jack. Everyone made a big fuss over them, they had a lovely hour, and then they were back home passing out candy to the neighborhood families with their little trick-or-treaters. And that had been just as much fun as being at Poe's raucous night, or maybe a little more.

Hmm. Perhaps they were turning into boring parent-types now.

"I'm just saying," Jess continued, "people tend to drift away from their single friends after they have a kid. Marriage does that anyway, like with Paige, but it's _especially_ true after having a kid. We don't want to lose you. We've been rooting for you two to figure your shit out all along, but now that you have...just please don't drift away from us."

"I won't," Rey promised. "I'm still me. I'm still the same person you've known for years."

"We'll see," Jessika sighed.

Jannah sat down, waiting for Tallie's next instruction. "Why are you such a downer about this, Jess? What's gotten into you?"

"I don't know. I think I just feel like everything's changing. Like Poe actually seems really happy with Finn, it might actually last. Rose and Hux are in a good place. Gwen and Zorri are in their own world. _These two_ have this disgustingly cute life now. Feels like the rest of us are being left behind." Jess frowned. "They're happy changes, but I'm still sad."

Tallie followed Jannah's lead and they moved to sitting poses now. Rey didn't really know what to say. A year ago she would have commiserated, completely mired in the mudpit of the dating world, endlessly cycling and recycling half-assed relationships because she couldn't get over her trust issues to just let someone in. She begrudged Rose her happiness. She doubted Poe's longevity with Finn.

It still baffled her how she could be here now instead of there. How topsy turvy the world had gone. At what point had she switched from being chronically single to being an actual _wife_ and _mother?_ And how did she merge her old identity with this new one? It had barely been a month, and a strange twilight-zone of a month at that — so really, it wasn't enough time to gauge how the rest of her life would go, but already this little family and this little life she was making with Ben felt a hundred times more important, and interesting, than the superficial shenanigans she got up to with her friends.

Still, she feared losing them. Feared losing herself to the altar of parenthood. But was it inevitable? Would it even hurt that much it if did happen?

The questions stayed with her long after her friends had gone, after she took her sun-bathed baby inside and dragged the bassinet into the bathroom so she could shower. Ben was out running errands with his dad. She knew it was silly, Olive would be fine in her crib, even if she cried, but Rey felt uneasy knowing no one else was in the house. She knew that if she didn't bring Olive in, she'd spend her shower hearing phantom cries and worrying that her baby was screaming, forgotten and abandoned in a room without her mother.

Rey thought that a lot. More than she wanted to.

She was a creature of independence, a wild child raised to survive on her own wits and nothing else. She knew how to fend for herself. She did as she pleased, was not easily caged. At least before. But now something inside her felt different. She wasn't caged, exactly, but she was tethered. Her independence had become suddenly very dependent. Maybe it was a temporary thing. Maybe it was just hormones — biology's way of ensuring she provide necessary care for her child — but either way, Rey couldn't stop the fear that Olive would ever wonder if she was loved.

So she overcompensated by keeping her baby close at all times, or showering that tiny head in a cascade of kisses, snuggling that tiny body close in gently fierce hugs.

Maybe Jess was right. Maybe Rey wasn't the same person she was before this all began.

Because the Rey from before barely spared a thought for her absent parents, doggedly ambivalent towards the non-existent memory of people who obviously didn't care about her. She lived free of them.

But the Rey now _did_ think of them. A lot. Too much.

After her shower she settled into the rocking chair in the nursery, feeding Olive, gazing into her perfect little face. She traced the round lines, that perfect downy head and those cheeks bobbing with each full swallow, and catalogued the little touches of Ben in that face, the faint suggestion of herself in there too. Those dark eyes belonged to Ben and his mother, deep inky wells that she loved so well. The hair too, of course, fluffy downy fuzz in riotous abundance. But the shape of her nose, the shape of her eyes, those were Rey. Evidence that this was a child of her body, not just Ben's loins. And as she scanned the face of her beautiful little daughter, she thought, most unwillingly, of her own mother.

That blank enigma in her memory.

Did she suckle at a loving mother's breast? Was she ever gazed upon with so much wonder, so much affection? When her mother looked at her, did she see herself, or the man who lent his DNA? An image came to mind of a woman with vague features propping a bottle in her baby's mouth and walking away, uninterested in discovering the new little expressions of that small face, unable to look at her child without a feeling of disgust.

 _Did she ever love me?_ Rey wondered, a horrid surge of pain flaring in her chest.

Olive was arguably the most important thing in her world now. Ben too, though with him it was different. He was her partner. They worked together. Olive was dependent on them for her very survival, and that alone produced a different kind of love. Olive mattered more than anything else. Her happiness was directly tied to Rey's own — at least for now. Someday that might change when Olive herself was ready for independence. Maybe. Rey didn't know. But this possession by a life other than her own had happened so suddenly, but so subtly, that she did not even have time to contemplate the impact before she was made helpless in her love.

Did anyone ever feel that way about her? And if they did, when did it change? _Why_ did it change? How could any mother look on the face of her own little daughter and feel nothing? Was she a terrible baby? An obnoxious toddler? Why was she abandoned? Left at a church with not even a name. Did anyone love her enough to even give her a name?

How could her mother do that?

By the time Ben got home, Rey was clutching a now-sleeping Olive to her, sobbing.

He burst into the room and went to her immediately, falling to his knees, face unfolding in alarm. "What's wrong?" he asked, desperate and baffled. "Are you okay? Is she?"

Olive's little face was nestled into the space between her neck and her shoulder, Rey's cheek pressed to that soft dark hair. She'd gotten Olive's head wet with her tears. It didn't matter. Her baby was safe. She would always keep her baby safe. But no one had felt that way about her, ever. And the loneliness of that realization was devastating.

"How could she do that?" Rey asked Ben, her vision swimming. "She threw me away. Why?"

He looked baffled. "Who?"

"My mother." Somewhere deep inside, Rey knew this was a wild and out of control emotion, stoked by raw hormones, but she didn't care. Her heart was too broken. The idea of ever abandoning Olive tore her wide open, exposing her deepest wounds.

"She didn't love me enough," she concluded. "No one ever has."

Ben swallowed hard. He gently slipped his hands between Rey and her baby, carefully lifting the oblivious infant away from her. Rey made a grab as if to stop him, but he shook his head and elbowed her hands away. He stood and took Olive to her changing table where he swaddled her up and took her to her crib. A little kiss landed on her wet head, and then he laid her in it.

Rey wrapped her arms around herself and sobbed. She couldn't stop. It was a tidal wave sweeping over her, this hurt. This rejection. Someone had held her, and cast her aside. Isolation and grief whirled like a blizzard, arctic winds howling their bitter tune in her chest.

Ben's arms were around her then, pulling her from the rocking chair, hugging her tight to his huge, broad chest. His heart pounded beneath her head and she wondered vaguely if he was nervous. He maybe seemed nervous.

He led her from the nursery, guiding her with a gentle tug into their room. Rey experienced a momentary flash of panic, knowing Olive was alone in the nursery, but he shushed her gently.

"She's okay. She's just sleeping. We need to focus on you right now." He turned to her, cradling her face in his hands. "Tell me what you're feeling."

"My mother didn't want me," Rey said, breath hitching, pain swelling. "Why didn't she want me? I love Olive so much. Why didn't she love me like that?"

"Listen to me," he said, voice shaking. "You _are_ wanted. You _are_ loved. I can't give you what she should have, but fuck, Rey, you don't even know how loved you are."

Ben was all shiny and wavery in her tear-filled vision. Why couldn't she stop crying? Why couldn't she stop hurting? She was _happy_. Her life was so good. So why did it suddenly feel like there was this gaping wound in her that would never be filled?

"Ben," she pleaded, and she didn't really quite know what she was asking for. It was a nameless hunger. A visceral longing.

His lips met hers in gentle, tender greeting. Soft and sweet, he kissed her and brushed away her tears. She let her fingers tangle into his shirt, a soft, plaintive sound transferred from her to him. He got bolder, more insistent, his mouth all at once becoming firm and bold. His lips parted, and hers beneath him. His hand wrapped around the back of her neck as he held her to him, bracing her so he could kiss her more fiercely.

Like rapid pressure building, her hands clawed at his fabric, his free hand grabbing at her ass. It felt so good, to have him everywhere like this, devouring her pain as if he knew exactly how to suck the poison out of her soul.

And when it burst, it burst in a frenzy. Suddenly kissing wasn't enough. Now their hands were moving, pawing at each other's clothes, pulling shirts off. He pushed her back onto the bed and moved his lips to her jaw, to her neck. Her head swam and her breath splintered in soft gasps.

Ben was ferocious in his attentions, like a madman determined to drive away the sorrow in her soul. And it was working. Her thoughts flew right away, too consumed by his mouth making its way down her throat, returning again to her lips and kissing her until she couldn't breathe. His hands mapped the planes of her altered body, the glide of his palms trailing fire over her skin.

Arousal like she'd not known for a while stirred within her, roaring up out of the crater of her pain. Perhaps the hole made by her mother's abandonment could never be filled, but there were other ways she could be filled. Ways for her to feel whole. She wanted that. She needed it.

Ben moved on, lips closing over one nipple first while the other got the exploratory treatment of his fingers. She was leaking, wet trails gliding down the sides of her rounded flesh. Her body knew what to give that warm, sinfully good mouth. And it had such a strange effect, his heady swallows drawing everything out of her while his hands wandered — like feeding Olive, letting Ben do this sort of washed clean all the anxiety roiling around her like a stormy sea. Every bad feeling steadily eroded, tumbled over and over in a current of relentless love until it had rounded at the edges, becoming soft and easier to handle. It was hard to feel lonely with this much affection coursing through her veins, buzzy like a drug.

His mouth moved to the other, and her fingers wound into his hair. She writhed as his fingers slid beneath the waistband of her leggings, beneath the hem of her underwear. She only wore a pantyliner these days, largely past all the postpartum mess, happily done with the first two stages of lochia. Ben wasn't squeamish, and Rey didn't worry — she'd just showered. He touched her with the same gentleness he'd used before, but she didn't want those feather-light pets to coax her into a gentle orgasm. She wanted to drown.

"Ben," she pleaded brokenly, tilting her hips into his hand.

His lips left her breast with a wet sound, his dark eyes meeting hers in the golden glow of the afternoon filtering through the slit in the curtain. "I love you," he reminded her, voice hoarse. "Want me to show you?"

She nodded, new tears sliding down to puddle against her ears.

He pulled his hand from her pants and then took hold of the waistband, peeling both layers away in one slow slide. Memories flashed through her from the Before time, of how they'd done this, again and again. Of the first time, drunk and fumbling, and every time after when the world seemed to slow and fall away into nothingness. When Ben undressed her, everything else ceased to exist. They were two alone, focus tunneled down to the rasp of his fingertips, to the heat of his eyes consuming every inch of her. It happened that way now too, and Rey wondered how she ever doubted that he was the only person she wanted to be with. No one had ever made her body come alive like him.

No one else would have been able to quiet the anguish of her soul in this moment like he did. She forgot to be sad. She forgot that faceless woman who didn't love her. Someone else who did love her was right here, ready to worship, ready to do anything to prove it.

"More," she begged as his hands slid up her thighs, huge palms warm and soft and skimming up her in a delicious wave of _touch_. It had only been four weeks, but god, she'd missed being so touched. "Please, Ben."

"I've got you," he promised. "I'm not going anywhere."

He brushed his lips against her stomach, hands gliding around to her waist. Rey closed her eyes. How did he know? What instinct told him this was _exactly_ what she needed? His hands on her body, his mouth on her skin. His fingers — _oh! His fingers_ — sliding carefully, so carefully inside her, just dipping tentative and exploratory at first, gauging her reaction. And if she'd known to anticipate it, she might have been nervous, but no. It didn't hurt. It made her sigh with relief.

"Good?" he asked, his voice a low murmur.

She nodded, splaying a little wider, inviting him in further. She trusted him.

Ben bent to kiss her, capturing her lips in his own as he pressed in a little deeper, petting her wet center. The kiss was blinding, snatching away her senses. It was the most human she'd felt in weeks. Not a body to be resourced, not a patient in recovery. She was Rey, and he was Ben, and they'd done this a hundred times before. They were made for this.

"I want all of you," she breathed into his ear, digging her fingers through his thick hair. "I'm ready."

He pulled back sharply. Her eyes opened to find him looking at her, studying her, probably trying to decide if he should believe her or not. She wondered a little bit too. But his fingers felt so good, and more importantly, this connection felt so good. She thought she could take more. She _wanted_ to take more.

"I'm sure," she whispered in reply to his unspoken question.

His fingers left her in a hurry, his body soon followed. She shivered in the cold wake of his absence as he went to the other side of the room, to his dresser. When he came back, he'd lost his pants and had a couple things in hand. A cylinder and a little foil packet. He stood at full mast already, thick and hard and ready for her. And it was silly, maybe, to be nervous about the size of him when something so much larger had been there before him, but it made her stomach clench with anticipation. She thought she was ready — was she? Holdo had been happy with her healing at the two week appointment, stitches dissolved and wound closed, but had it been enough time? Was she being reckless?

"Are you sure about this?" he asked, climbing back onto the bed and crouching over her with that concerned look on his face. He gave voice to the sudden questions skittering through her. But Rey didn't want the questions. She didn't want to wonder.

"You love me?" she asked in a small voice.

"You know I do."

"Then I'm sure." She took the condom packet from his hand and tore it open. It was a foreign act for them. They didn't do this. "Where did this come from?"

He ground down against her while she pulled the little latex ring free. "I got them a couple weeks ago. I didn't know when you'd be ready, but I wanted to be prepared. We have to be safe."

"No more accidents," she agreed. However well the last accident worked out, and even though she was pretty sure they'd do it again in the future, now was not the time for a repeat performance. Ben held himself up while she rolled it along his iron-hard length, sheathing him in protection. It felt good to touch him like this again, just as it felt good to be touched by him. Ben made this soft noise in his throat and squeezed his eyes shut. Maybe it felt good for him too.

"Just go slow," she urged. "I'll tell you if its too much."

"Rey," he sounded so reluctant. "I don't know about this."

"I do." She guided him to her center.

Ben pried her hand away, sitting up and back and not at all where she wanted him to be. Instead he took the cylinder and squirted a generous amount of lube into his hand. He applied some to himself, coating the condom in a viscous layer, and then leaned over her again, applying the rest to her. It was cold at first, but quickly warmed.

"Why—" she tried to ask, but his fingers working it into her chased the question right out of her mind. They hadn't needed lube in a long time. Usually they took so long with the foreplay, she was plenty ready for him by the time they got here. She felt pretty wet now, after he'd been in there with his fingers, coaxing her nectar out.

"Just a precaution. Don't wanna hurt you," he whispered, kissing her again as he carefully nudged just inside.

She gasped. It felt strange. She'd welcomed him in so many times before, but it had never felt like this. Like greeting him anew, trying to remember how to accept him. She winced a little, and he eased back, contenting himself with just the tip until she got used to the feeling and pushed onto him a little more.

She was right to trust him. He listened to her and responded to her little signals, taking his sweet time, letting his hands do most of the work on the rest of her body. She was a little surprised that it stung at first, but relaxed with relief when her body figured out what to do. And then she was whispering his name in senseless praise, and though he kept his movements careful and gentle, he began to slide in and out more easily. He groaned and dropped his head into the hollow of her neck, curling his body over hers.

"I love you," he said again, and he sounded desperate. "Doubt your memories. Doubt your past. But don't doubt me. I've never loved anyone but you. I never will."

She couldn't reply. There was nothing she could say, and anyway, the power of speech was beyond her now. The sensations rolling through her body overwhelmed and incapacitated her, leaving her helpless to drown in a sea of pleasure and surging emotion.

A month wasn't even that long. She and Ben had gone longer than that without falling together like this. When he was with Bazine, it had been a year. It wasn't like this was the longest dry spell of her life — but for some reason, it felt as if it had been an age since she got to feel Ben inside her like this. Maybe because it _had_ been months since he could hold her this close, cover her so completely, take her on her back in a sweet expanse of skin against skin. Maybe it was because Rey felt so changed by these last four weeks. She was happy, yes, of course she was, but she also existed on the edge every minute of every day, and right now she could fall back away from it, into safe, strong arms.

It felt so good to be loved by him.

And she believed him.

He wasn't going anywhere. She wasn't either. And whether or not she was loved as an infant, she was loved now. Olive would never know that kind of hurt. Rey would make sure that he daughter knew, every day, how very much adored she was. By both her parents.

Afterwards, Ben went to throw the filled condom away and came back with their still-sleeping baby. Rey lay cooling beneath the sheets, still naked and peacefully blissed out. Ben slid in beside her. She tucked into his chest and he put Olive between them. Rey snuggled her little baby and nestled into her husband's body and felt peace.

If she changed and lost her friends, if she broke down again in a crisis of abandonment, if nothing in the world ever made sense again — at least this did. She had the two of them. And they had her.

It was enough.


	28. Like Real People Do

**CHAPTER TWENTY-EIGHT**

**like real people do**

* * *

"Are we pathetic?" Rey asked, pushing her food around her plate.

The soft murmur of other conversations filled the diffusely illuminated dining room of the restaurant, the clink of silverware against ceramic dishes lending a quiet percussive accent to the human hum.

Ben sat across from her, staring down at his own food. He looked amazing tonight. His hair was especially full and shiny and soft-looking, and the sleeves of his collared shirt rolled halfway up his forearms was really working for Rey. This was the kind of look that would have annoyed her before, challenging her commitment to thinking of him as just a friend. Now she could enjoy his attractiveness all she wanted, knowing she got to take him home and let him say filthy things to her without trying to pretend it didn't mean anything.

She caught Ben sneaking hooded glances at her now and then, eliciting a kind of foreign, girlish giddiness in her. She'd gotten dressed up for the occasion too, in a soft, deep, jewel-toned turquoise cashmere sweater. She did her hair and makeup and felt like a normal human for the first time in months.

It felt good.

Except that neither of them were very good at it — being normal humans.

His mouth twisted into a wry smile at her question. "Maybe."

Oh, they were definitely pathetic. They spent weeks and weeks being completely subsumed by their new identities as Olive's parents, utterly conquered by their new domestic lives, and then when they finally got an opportunity to be themselves again for the night, they couldn't exactly remember what that was. All they could talk about was Olive.

It was silly, and yeah, pathetic. They came on this "date" to say they'd been on a proper one before they got publicly married. It was supposed to be an opportunity to feel like their old selves for a time, but who they were now was much louder than the muted memories of their single days.

Rey had promised herself that she wouldn't become a walking cliche of a mom. She wouldn't be drowned in the new identity. She had her job, which was still fulfilling and stimulating and could be done comfortably from home so she didn't have to send her tiny little bean to a daycare. She had her friends, who she tried to see as often as she could. She kept watering those friendships, determined that they would not whither, despite her dramatic life changes. She kept baking and prepping for an unseen rainy day, and clung to the vestiges of her old self with stubborn refusal to admit that everything was upended.

It kind of worked. She took Olive to one of those Mommy-and-Me classes people were always trying to recommend to her, and found a couple other independently-minded professionals to get along with. Largely, though, she didn't relate to the culture of mom-ness. She found talking to most of the other parents solely about things regarding babies tedious and unfulfilling. She didn't want to talk about the latest, greatest sleep-training method, or the virtues of cloth versus disposable diapers. When the other moms commiserated over husbands who gagged at dirty diapers, Rey got bored. When they asked each other about their babies' milestones, she ducked out before that oh-so-subtle undercurrent of competition could sneak in. She didn't really care about the other babies at all. She looked at them and felt neutral. But when she looked at her own daughter, her world burst into technicolor.

Except for the couple of others she got along with, she mostly found other moms obnoxiously full of opinions about how things should be done. It reminded her of that birthing class. Motherhood was new and strange and Rey was so far out of her depth with it all, but she didn't really want to be told the right or wrong way to do things. She was feeling it out one day at a time, letting her ardent love for her baby and her instincts guide most of her actions.

So her efforts to cling to some sense of self were working, to a degree.

But not enough to keep her from irrationally missing her baby even while out on this lovely date with Ben.

Luckily, she knew he understood. When he finally had to go back to work after his paternity leave was up, he'd joked about quitting so he could stay with them. With the slowly ebbing tide of hormonal emotions catching her off guard, Rey cried the morning he had to leave. Ben got choked up too, trying to hide it as he kissed them both goodbye. They really were pitiful messes when he dragged himself out the door and back to the office. And when he came home that evening, he sprinted through the door and gathered both of them in arm and demanded to know everything he missed during the day.

It wasn't much.

It's not like a six week old baby has that many exciting moments, between the sleeping and feeding. Except that for the new parents, every moment was exciting. Every new expression, however involuntary, fascinated them. Every funny gesture. And when she began to smile — they were truly lost then. Her emerging grin seldom came, serious little thing that she was, but when it did come it was a million-watts bright.

Rey sent Ben at least a dozen pictures over the course of any given day. They were moments that would seem uninteresting to any outside observer, but Ben responded enthusiastically to every single one.

He understood the crazy emotional attachment to this little creature that swept them hopelessly away.

In their defense, at three months old now, she was arguably the best, most fascinating thing in the whole world.

Especially because just earlier that day, she had laughed.

It was the most magical moment of Rey's life, after meeting her for the first time.

Ben had just changed her diaper on the bed, and stayed there with her making silly sounds and faces, tickling her little tummy. Olive had that wide, toothless smile that always made Rey's heart burst with happiness. The little girl was struggling to express her delight, squealing and kicking her legs like something was trapped in her chest that wanted out. And then it happened. It bubbled out of her like little pip-pops of joy, an effortless cascade of pure magic.

And Rey froze her folding of the tiny clothes and ran over to them. Ben tickled Olive again, and she laughed again. Rey hastily caught the next couple on video before the over-stimulated baby found it all too much and lost the laugh.

Ben grabbed Rey and tackled her to the bed — safely away from the spastic bundle — and the two of them laughed and cried and marveled at this incredible little person who was in the world because they messed up.

"According to Aristotle, Olive now has a soul," Rey said after another minute of silence lapsed between them.

Ben lifted an eyebrow. "Why does she only now have a soul?"

Rey grinned. "I mean, this is just according to him, right? But he believed the soul enters the body with the first laugh. A baby doesn't have one until then."

He chuckled down at his plate. "How did you know I was thinking about that?"

"Because I was thinking about it too. See? I told you. Pathetic."

He laughed. "Being in love with our baby doesn't make us pathetic."

"But we have the chance to not be parents tonight, and yet she's all we can talk about."

Work was boring to discuss after the kind of day they'd had, and the gossip of their friend group just felt less important. Current affairs were hardly the things a couple on a date wanted to discuss. So what else did they have?

"We could always talk about the wedding," he suggested mildly.

Rey laughed. Because if anything felt superfluous and unimportant it was their pending "nuptials." Or rather, the facade of the their nuptials. The wedding was less than three months away now, and Leia was deep in the organization thereof. Rey felt no stress about it. She didn't care how any of it came off. She got the wedding she wanted and was busy living a life she never dreamed of. Leia had full permission to do with it as she pleased. Based on what they knew so far, it was going to be a ridiculous affair.

"Are you excited to go dress shopping tomorrow?" Ben asked.

Leia was not too thrilled that they'd waited this long to find a dress, citing long alteration times, but Rey really wasn't ready to do it before now. She was still coming to terms with her altered body. Her shape had more or less returned to its former silhouette, but she still didn't feel right in her own skin. Her stomach was a little... loose. Holdo assured her, at the IUD insertion appointment, that it would take a while — it took nine months to get one way, it might take as long or longer to get back to the other way. Rey didn't like it, and she still felt kind of weird about her fuller breasts, and the whole idea of shopping for a wedding dress was altogether intimidating.

But the last time she wore one, she felt like a whale. So this would be an improvement, however it turned out.

"Yeah," she decided. "Should be fun. Although poor Mara, she's going to be the only one who doesn't know we're already married."

Ben huffed in amusement, slid more food onto his fork, and went to take a bite. But he paused halfway there, brows drawing down in confusion. "Wait, I thought Rose was going with you."

"Oh…she is." Rey's face warmed, and she laughed. She hadn't told Ben about the conversation she'd had with Rose at the hospital. "I eh...I might have told her."

He chuckled. "Of course she would be the one to know. Why do you sound guilty about it?"

"I didn't ask if you wanted me to share that information. I messed up a little and let the cat out of the bag."

"Rey, I was the one who messed up and let her know about this whole thing in the first place. You think I get to blame you? Wrong." He stole a rosemary potato wedge off her plate. "She's your best friend. You can tell her whatever you want."

Rose had been Rey's lifesaver over the last few weeks. Somehow, her friend seemed to know the exact right time to call and insist on taking Rey out to lunch, or insist on coming over. These moments always, always came just when Rey was beginning to feel overwhelmed and lonely. Rose got her outside of her own head, helping her laugh, helping her feel human again. All the awkwardness of earlier in the summer was gone. Lesson learned, Rose didn't overstep anymore.

"I think she's ready," Rey said thoughtfully.

"For?"

"I think she's ready for Hux to propose."

Ben's face illuminated with surprise and interest. Here was a topic of conversation that did not necessarily revolve around their tiny daughter. He cocked his head to the side and took another bite. "Really? Hux has been wanting to do that forever."

"I know. She's been too nervous that the good life they have now will be ruined if they change their relationship at all."

Ben smirked, eyes rolling off to the side in a funny kind of expression. "Weirdos. That's not a problem I can relate to at all."

What idiots they'd been, she and Ben. They'd danced around it for so long. A perpetual pattern of give and take, a whirl of two souls always in orbit, trying to deny the gravity drawing them steadily towards each other. They were afraid of the collision. Afraid that the supernova of it would cause a black hole, tearing them apart atom by atom. Better to navigate in perpetual limbo than allow that. But they were wrong.

They didn't make a black hole when they collided. They made a nebula. And from that, a brand new star.

In their conversations over these last few weeks, Rey had tried to find ways to tell Rose that she didn't need to be afraid. Hux adored her. Their relationship was solid and strong. A ring and a paper wouldn't be too much weight for it to hold, if they both wanted it.

"If she's ready, why doesn't she just propose to him?" Ben asked. "Hux would probably love that."

Rey was amused by the idea. Rose would be the type to do it, too. It was just the sort of twist she loved in the romcoms she was always trying to get Rey to watch with her. "Doesn't he already have a ring?"

"Probably. If he's smart." Ben picked up her hand and thumbed over her own, the one she found and thought belonged to someone else. "I wonder if we could convince him to propose soon, and make our wedding their wedding instead. Can you imagine the shock and scandal if we announced to all our guests that we are already married, and that we're here to marry Rose and Hux?"

Rey laughed. "Oh don't tempt me, Solo. That sounds incredible."

"Why not, then?"

"Because I'm sure the Ticos would like to invite their own family and friends to their daughter's wedding. And I'm sure Rose would like the chance to plan out her own dream, not your mother's."

He sighed ruefully. "It's no fun that you're right."

She giggled. "Well, we can convince one of them to propose, anyway."

Ben rubbed his chin in thought. "Is this your plan for trying to get them to have a baby, so we can have another parent couple to be friends with?"

"It would be very helpful," Rey said with a grin.

He laughed. "It would."

But thinking of having another parent couple to be friends with made them think of Olive, and both were immediately wistful again.

"Do you like this place?" Ben asked abruptly, looking around at the fancy modern decor and the well-dressed patrons.

Rey shrugged. "Food's okay."

"Come on." He flagged their waiter and handed over his card. "Let's go somewhere that feels more like us."

This was a nicer restaurant than they usually went to. They were a little out of their element here. She appreciated the gesture of trying to take her somewhere fancy, but she'd have enjoyed a burger sloppily eaten in his car just as much. She liked being with him, it didn't really matter how nice the setting was.

He held her hand as they walked out into the night. Being with him now was such a bizarre mix of familiar and new. One the one hand, he was the same Ben he'd always been. Her best friend. The one she liked best out of their whole group. The man she'd go sleep next to on an ill-advised camping trip. The one she'd make starry, dreamy future plans with. The one she'd call when no one could fill the void in her body or her chest quite like he could.

But also, he wasn't the same at all. He was the man who kissed her and whispered words of love to drive away the grief of her abandoned heart. He was the man who held her baby and welled up when she laughed, who cuddled her close and sang about falling in love. The man who gave Rey a family, who made her a mother, who stayed when he could have run.

She was comfortable and easy in his presence, as she always had been. But it went so much deeper now.

They decided to go to a nickel arcade. It wasn't the most adult thing they could do with their attempt at an adult evening, but it sparked a fond memory of a time when they came to a nickel arcade for Hux's birthday. When the group found out he'd never been to one, they insisted on it. The day was a bad one for Rey. She'd gotten into a fight with this guy she was sort of interested in seeing, and one of her clients was refusing to pay their invoice, and it was just one of those days when she wanted to scream at the world. She tried to hide it around her friends, but Ben must have noticed because he pulled her aside and asked if she was alright. She was snarky with him. He asked if a quickie would boost her mood.

It did.

This wasn't the same arcade. She wasn't sure she could ever go into that one again and know what they'd done in the bathroom there. But Ben thought it would be fun to relive some of the memories — if not the whole risk of public exposure thing — and Rey was game. They spent two hours challenging each other on vintage cabinet games and air hockey, ski-ball and baskets. Ben cajoled her into a round of laser tag where they ignored their mostly teenage teammates and just chased each other around in the dark. Rey laughed so much her stomach muscles ached. They didn't talk about diapers or feedings or anything related to babies. They teased each other and talked smack. They flirted, shamelessly, and after a particularly rousing game of Joust, Ben pulled her into a nook between arcade cabinets and kissed her fiercely. It was only when they got kicked out in their second round of laser tag of making out in a dark corner under some black light-illuminated spray paint splatter that they finally decided to call it quits and go get their baby.

* * *

Han was laid out in his recliner, a sleeping Olive on his chest, watching an old black and white Samurai film when Rey and Ben let themselves in. Leia was in the same room at a desk on her computer. She glanced up from her laptop when they walked in.

"Have a nice evening?"

"We did, yeah," said Rey happily. She was in a great mood now. Laughing that much made it impossible to not be.

Han lifted his head. "Back already? We barely got any time with her."

"It's been four hours," Ben grumped, going over to his father. "Plenty long enough."

Han put his hands on the little bundle. "She's sleeping so peacefully. Leave her alone."

"Dad, we have to take her home."

"We've got a bassinet here. She could just have a sleepover with grandma and grandpa."

"Dad."

Leia stood and came to Rey's side while the boys bickered, an exasperated look on her face. "Han, stop it. We get her for a whole week after the wedding."

"That's three months away! She's gonna be talking by then, not sweet and small like she is now."

That made Rey laugh. She didn't know exactly what age kids started to talk, but she doubted very much that it would happen at six months old. Ben rolled his eyes while Leia launched into an annoyed rebuttal, and Han released his hold, allowing his son to gently lift the baby off his chest.

Ben turned her over carefully, still supporting her head, eyes running over every inch of her as if inspecting for damage. Olive squirmed and peeped an eye open, brows furrowed, mouth puckered in a disapproving pout.

"I'm sorry to wake you," Ben chuckled. "We missed you, that's all."

Olive stretched, arching her back, little fists shaking. She seemed to perk up a bit after, blinking her long lashes a few times before deciding she was glad to see her father after all. A little grin peeked at the corners of her mouth and she reached for Ben in that clumsy way of hers. Still learning how to operate this gangly limbs.

Ben kissed her forehead and tucked her into his arm. "Are you coming to work with me tomorrow, or going dress shopping with Mama?"

"Would Luke even allow that?" Rey wondered.

"I don't care," Ben said simply. "She can come hang out with Papa, it doesn't matter what grumpy old Great Uncle Luke says."

Leia snorted. "He gets all sore every time you call him that. I think just 'Uncle Luke' will suffice. It makes him sound so old."

Rey slid her arm through Ben's, leaning her cheek against his shoulder to peer down at her little baby. Leia began to gather up the bottles and blankets they'd used during the evening.

"The little princess is coming with us," she said firmly. "She needs a dress for the big day too. And this place we're going — oh, Rey, I hope you don't mind. No David's Bridal for you. A friend of mine has a wonderful business designing wedding dresses. One of her partners does children's clothes, so everything can be custom for you both."

Rey's eyes widened. "Wow, Leia that sounds…"

"Don't worry about it. She's doing it as a favor for me." Leia packed the items into the backpack serving as a diaper bag. "I'll pick you both up for brunch around 11, does that sound good? Rose and Mara can meet us at the cafe."

"That sounds great," Rey said warmly.

Ben took Olive over to the carseat and began buckling her in. Han finally got up and sauntered over to them, sliding his hands into the pockets of his sweats.

"She's a good baby," he sighed. "I don't know whether to call you lucky bastards or congratulate you on being good parents. Is it something you did?"

"Doubt it," Rey laughed. "We don't know what we're doing at all."

Still, Ben gave Olive this huge, proud smile, tucking the blanket in around her to stave off the winter chill. "That's my girl," he said softly.

The little family slipped out into the night, final goodbyes ghosting through the frosty air as they waved and got into the warm car. It was a simple thing to drive home, for Rey to feed Olive, for the three of them to get ready for bed. Ben put their daughter in her crib for the night, clicking on the monitor so they would be able to hear her. She would end up back in their bed after she fed again in the wee hours of the morning, but for now, the new parents wanted her out of the room so they could work out a proper ending to their date.

* * *

The morning was quiet and sweet. After Ben left, Rey and Olive cuddled on the bed for a while, grinning and making cooing sounds at each other. Olive was discovering her own voice, and the sounds she could produce in her throat. Her little noises always made Rey melt, or laugh. And she was such a pretty baby. Rey knew she was wildly biased, but she couldn't help but marvel at how lovely her tiny daughter was. Olive's thick dark hair and long dark lashes framed her round cherubic face, deep inky wells of eyes sparkling with joyful light. At three months, her face was less newborn and more baby, really coming into its own shape now, and it was easier to see how she was equal parts Rey and Ben in her makeup.

Rey leaned over and buried her face in Olive's pudgy little tummy, earning her one of those miraculous little giggles.

She'd never known it was possible to love someone this much. It struck her anew every day. A shock to the system that didn't get old, even three months after meeting her.

She glanced at the time and then back at Olive. "Are you ready to find a pretty dress with Grandma? I have no idea what she has in mind for you, but I'm sure it will be very fashionable."

Olive made a little "goo," sound and grinned big and bright again.

Rey laughed. Olive could roll from front-to-back now when she was on her tummy, but she couldn't go the other way yet, so Rey left her on the bed while she wandered around and got ready, sliding into the body-shaper spandex to help her feel a little more confident when she went dress shopping. It just sort of held everything together and returned her to her former shape. Ben didn't think she needed it, but then, he didn't understand what it was like to be in her skin, reconciling herself to the changes to her body. She brushed out her hair and pinned half of it up on one side, doing her makeup in light but careful touches. She wanted to find the right balance here between looking nice and looking casual. If today involved hanging out with Leia and Mara, and meeting Leia's designer friend, she wanted to present a nice front.

Rose would probably give her the eye, because Rey didn't use to care about these things much before. But then, she didn't run in Leia's high-octane world before either. And she loved her mother-in-law. She had an uncontrollable urge to make Leia proud of her, wherever they went.

She dressed Olive in a little blue dress, sliding a bow onto her head and arranging all that thick hair around it. Wherever they went, they got gasps and comments over the quantity of hair she had. It was a lot. Rey combed it as best she could with the little fine-tooth comb, but mostly it just sort of stuck out wild wherever it wanted.

She made sure to feed Olive one more time before Leia arrived, and then threw a bottle in the diaper bag because she didn't like nursing in public. She didn't like covering up, but she didn't feel confident enough to boldly nurse uncovered despite the sideways glances from scandalized passerby's. She could pump enough to create an adequate supply of refrigerated or frozen milk for babysitting occasions or days out like this.

"Ready, darling?" she asked when Leia pulled up in front of the house.

Olive yawned. She'd been awake for a while this morning already.

Hoisting the carseat and diaper bag, Rey hauled herself outside and to the car. Sometimes having a baby to cart around felt like going on a camping trip. It just felt like a lot of stuff, even if it was just a seat and a bag. And a little collapsable stroller frame the carseat could click into.

Leia helped her into the car and gave her a hug. "You look lovely," she said with undisguised warmth. "Are you excited?"

Rey laughed as she slid into the passenger seat. "I am. But also, it feels kind of funny, doesn't it? I mean, we've already done this before."

"Your last dress was very sweet and appropriate," Leia agreed. "But now you get to wear a gown, and feel like a queen."

That was probably a fairytale most little girls dreamed of. Rey mostly dreamed of having enough food to eat and someone to hug her and keep her safe.

"That will be nice," she said. Anyway, it would be a chance to re-commit herself to Ben, especially after everything they'd been through since the first time. And she was looking forward to their trip afterwards. They were going to a resort in the Maldives. Ben had shown her the pictures of one of those exotic-looking places with the bungalows out in the middle of clear teal water, private swimming right off the balcony. The kind of thing she'd seen go around the internet in pictures of dream vacations, but never something she ever thought she'd get to do herself. Ben's most recent goal in life was to convince her to get scuba certified so they could dive some of the reefs around their resort. She wasn't fully convinced of it yet.

They got to the little cafe just about the same time as Rose. She was bubbly with excitement.

"This place is so cute," she gushed, looking around at the homey atmosphere. The cafe was appropriately small and quiet, smelling of roasted coffee and fresh bread. The walls were exposed brick, and the decor was mostly green plants.

"They have the most wonderful paninis here," Leia said happily. "I thought it would be appropriate."

Rose definitely approved. "I'm so excited about all this. I'm excited I get to be part of it."

Rey laughed. "I'm sorry you didn't the first time around."

Rose waved her off, like it didn't really matter, and leaned down to peek at the sleeping baby. "Hi Livvy," she whispered.

Mara arrived a minute later, and the four (or five) or them found a little booth in a quiet corner. Their conversation was light and cheerful, largely centered around plans for the wedding. Leia and Rose almost seemed to forget entirely that Ben and Rey were already married, which suited Rey just fine, and helped deflect any suspicion from the oblivious Mara.

They had a really nice time. Rey enjoyed the familial vibe of it all, the warmth shared between them. At one point the wedding talk derailed and they launched into a dissection of the feminine representation in one of the recent superhero franchise film installments. They were a like-minded group, sharing grievances about the heroine's arc and lamenting the world of male writers trying to tell women what to love. It was fun, and funny, and Rey was overwhelmed with gratitude that she had all three of them in her life.

A year ago, she had her friends, and she had Ben. But today she had a mother, and an aunt, and a friend who had been there for her during these recent emotionally charged months and so felt more like a sister. She had a husband and a daughter and a life that genuinely included the word family.

Her elevated mood sustained her all the way to the little shop where Leia's friend, a designer by the name of Ahsoka. She was older than Leia by at least a decade, maybe more, and greeted her with all the affection of an old family friend. She had long white-blond hair streaked with blue, warm brown skin, and brilliant blue eyes. Rey had no idea what ethnicity she was, couldn't even begin to guess, but she was beautiful.

"Rey, it's lovely to meet you," said the designer. "I've heard so much about you. I'm so happy little Benny found someone who the family loves so much."

Rey's face warmed. "I'm happy to have found them too."

"And this must be the little princess," she said, peeking down at Olive, still soundly snoozing in her car seat, now mounted on the stroller. She gasped. "What a beautiful baby. Congratulations. You must be so proud, Leia."

"We are," Leia said, beaming. She loved showing off her granddaughter.

"You know," Ahsoka said thoughtfully, "I can see your mother in her. She reminds me of Padme."

Mara stirred with interest. "I'm glad you said that because I've thought so too. Of course, I never knew Padme, but from the pictures I've seen, the two of them share a lot of similarities."

Ahsoka's smile gentled. "I did know her. And you're right, Mara."

After Leia introduced Rose, Ahsoka took them to the back of her shop to take a look at the dresses she already had stock. She told them she could change any of them to suit Rey's preferences, however she wanted it. Rey didn't really know what she wanted, so she let her companions pick out the pieces they thought suited her best while Ahsoka took her measurements.

They squirreled her away into a dressing room where Ahsoka helped her into the first gown.

"So you knew Leia's mother?" Rey said quietly as the old woman deftly did the buttons up the back.

"She was like a big sister to me." Ahsoka sounded wistful. "It was such a blow when she died. So young. She never got to see her children grow up, or meet her grandson. It's wonderful to see a bit of her in your daughter. Like she's still here, a piece of her still showing up in the family genes."

"What was she like?" Rey asked.

"A wonder." Ashoka fussed with the sheer sleeves, tying them in close around Rey's wrists. "She was stubborn and fierce. Her force of will was unstoppable. Whatever she wanted to do, she'd move heaven and earth to make it happen."

"Sounds like Leia," Rey observed.

Ahsoka laughed. "Leia is so much like her mother."

They finished with the dress, and stepped back out into the shop so they could get a good look in the big mirror there. Mara, Leia, and Rose all sat around on this plush armchairs Ahsoka had provided. Mara gasped and made noises of approval. Rose giggled. Leia tilted her head to the side and didn't say much.

It was a beautiful dress, but Rey didn't feel like herself at all in it. It was cream-colored, which she liked better than true white, but the sleeves were not her vibe. They were full and flowy, sheer pebbled with polka-dot appliqués. It had a deep plunging V neckline and more appliqués on the bodice.

Ahsoka stepped back and surveyed her. "It isn't you," she assessed. "Am I wrong?"

Rey didn't want to offend. "It's very beautiful."

"But no," Leia agreed. "It isn't her."

"No trouble. The next one, then. And don't worry, love," said Ahsoka, guiding her back to the dressing room. "If we don't find one that suits you, I'll design you your very own."

And thus began a surprisingly lengthy process of trying to find something that felt like it belonged on her. There were a lot of misses, though all admittedly beautiful. One was a strapless beauty, a lacy bodice set over nude fabric, with a wide, dramatic skirt and elegant little white butterflies scattering up from the bottom.

"Suitable for a garden wedding" Ahsoka explains.

"We are having a garden wedding," Leia said. "It is beautiful. Rey, honey, what do you think?"

She had to find artful ways to say that she didn't think it was quite right. Rose was good at reading her cues and saying she didn't like something if she saw the least bit of hesitation on Rey's face.

Rey almost went with a beautiful, classic-style dress that invoked Grace Kelly. It was grgeous and flattering, and when she looked in the mirror, she finally could almost see herself as a bride. But there was just something...just a little twinge of hesitation that made her stare at it a bit too long.

And Olive gave a pitiful little wail.

Mara had been holding her, each of the companions taking a turn after she'd woken up sometime after the second dress. She'd done well, poor little tyke, but she was hungry. Ahsoka helped Rey change out of the dress, and they took a break. She rescued her angry little daughter, gnawing furiously at her own fist, and, feeling unusually comfortable, sat down to nurse her right there. She had the bottles, but she wanted to do it. None of these women seemed like the type to object — and they didn't. They didn't even bat an eye.

With Olive's little mouth firmly attached, she sat back and let her body relax. Even though it was fun — they'd laughed and enjoyed themselves throughout this process — finding a dress was also surprisingly exhausting.

Ahsoka sat down next to her and brushed little Olive's dark hair with her fingers. "Tell me about you, Rey," she said softly. "What is your story?"

Rey glanced down at Olive, dark eyes staring straight at her. They always seemed to demand attention, those eyes. They were hungry for affection and love, ready to give it in turn.

"I was a foster child," she told Ahsoka honestly. "Abandoned as a baby. Raised in a series of bad homes, most of my time spent in one...it wasn't good."

Rose had never heard Rey's secret sad past. Only Ben had. But Rey was finding that her life now made it easier to accept what happened before. Made it easier to talk about. The past was behind her. It was dead. Only now mattered, where she was needed and loved by him, and needed and loved by their baby. Where she had these women around her, a family of support and kinship.

"You were abused," Ahoska assessed.

Rey nodded. "Neglected. Hurt. But I made it out. I met Rose." She glanced up and gave her friend a smile. Rose's eyes were wide and full of sympathy. "And Finn, and Jess. And all my friends. And because of them, I met Ben."

"Tell me about that," Ahsoka urged gently.

She laughed. "We were close from the beginning. But I was afraid what worked as friends wouldn't work in a relationship, so we decided to just mess around without any of the commitment." She glanced at Leia to see if she'd scandalized her mother-in-law.

Leia looked amused, but not scandalized.

"They took ages," Rose said softly.

Rey nodded. "We did. We'd probably still be doing that, pretending we didn't have feelings, if we hadn't accidentally made this one." She tapped Olive's little nose.

Ahsoka laughed. "She thrust you together."

"She did. And I'm glad."

"So am I," said Leia.

Ahsoka sat back and stared at them for a moment, at Rey and Olive. Her blue eyes, deep and tremendously perceptive, seemed to contain within them a whole lifetime of memories, and Rey wondered which ones surfaced for her now. Ahsoka saw much more than the surface of what people presented, of that Rey was completely certain.

After a minute, she got up. She went to the back of her shop, into the space that was her design studio. She came out again a moment later, carrying a long garment bag.

"This is my newest piece," she said quietly after a minute. "I just finished it yesterday. I think it might be yours."

She hung it on a peg and unzipped. Creamy, off-white fabric came into view, catching the light in a soft, gentle glow. Rey's heart leapt to her throat. Rose crooned her approval. Leia and Mara both nodded with slow, surprised smiles.

"When your sweet little daughter is finished, let's find out," Ahsoka urged.

While they waited, Ahsoka showed Rey and Leia the plans she had for Olive. Of course she'd be bigger in three months, but she had some sketches she and her friend had worked up. The dress would be navy with little gold accents, as per the colors Leia had chosen. She gave them fabric samples and they gave their opinions.

"I can't wait to see what we can do with this gorgeous hair by then," Ahsoka laughed, again running her fingers through Olive's downy fuzz.

Rey tucked herself back into her shirt and sat Olive up for a quick burp. "She's going to be the prettiest belle of the ball."

"Maybe not prettier than her mama," Mara said with an affectionate smile.

Leia held the baby as Ahsoka and Rey went back to the dressing room. The dress slid on easily and comfortably. Rey knew immediately that she'd like this one. She felt it, even before she saw it. It hugged her in all the right ways, and flowed in all the right places. And when the pair emerged a moment later, Leia was the first one to well up in enormous tears.

She wasn't the only one, though. Pretty soon all three of them were misty.

"Rey," Rose breathed. "You look incredible."

She turned around and looked in the mirror, and didn't remember how to breathe.

It was a beautiful dress. The bodice flattered her figure, belying the changes it had undergone throughout this last year, granting her old silhouette back. Delicate sheer ivory lace lay over a pale beige underskirt. The sheer lace sleeves were slightly off the shoulder and went to the elbow. There was a small, delicate belt and bow at the waist, flaring into a slim, A-line cut skirt with more damask lace appliques and a small lace train. It looked at once feminine and fierce.

Rey looked at it, and saw herself. Saw her strength in the dramatic whorls of lace and her bronzed, bared shoulders. Saw her love, for her little family and her strong, supportive tribe in the gentle ivory, the softness of the skirts. She felt at home in this dress. And she felt like a bride, in a similar way to how she felt the first time she was one.

"Yeah," she said softly, "this is the one."

Leia passed Olive off to Rose and stood up, joining her friend and her daughter-in-law. She slid an arm around Rey's waist and stood with her in the mirror. "This is why I knew we had to come to Ahsoka. She designed some pieces for my mother. This is just the sort of thing she would love. You look perfect, Rey."

Ahsoka beamed. "I didn't know who I was designing it for, of course, but I imagined someone who could hold her head high and know she could find light because she had been through the darkness."

"Thank you," Rey said, turning to her. She swept the woman into a sudden hug. Ahsoka stiffened, and it occurred to Rey that she didn't even know if this woman liked hugs, but then Ahsoka laughed and patted her back. "Now! I don't think you'll need too many alterations, it already fits you like a glove. But what do you think of the length? Would you like it a little shorter? And what about a veil?"

Rey laughed too, stepping back. "You ask a lot of hard questions."

"A veil isn't necessary," Leia said. "Although Han will lecture me about the history of veils and hiding from evil spirits, so perhaps a very small, simple one would suffice. What do you think?"

They tried on Ahsoka had on hand, and both Mara and Rose supplied their enthusiastic approval.

By the time they left the shop, Rey's heart was full to bursting. She couldn't wait to tell Ben about this strangely perfect days.

"So?" Leia said after they'd said goodbye to Rose and Mara and she drove mother and daughter back to their house. "Do you feel excited to marry him again after seeing how you'll look?"

"Yes," Rey said immediately, unable to stop the smile. "I do."

Leia was pleased. "Poor Ben won't even know what hit him when you walk down that aisle."

Eleven more babies and a lifetime of beautiful chaos, Rey thought. She couldn't wait.


End file.
